hilarious relative

We all have that funny relative that goes on hilarious rants at Christmas time. This person may even be funnier than me and most stand-up comedians. But I put all my energy into comedy and they didn't. They have potential, and might be better had they done it. It takes work!

Social Media

So many people are like Kanye West and SLEEPING Matt Hardy on social media. They're sick, and make controversial posts for attention. They may be getting a lot of views. But the WWE is saying this guy is on the verge of a hospitalization, not let's rehire him.

Tweeting

I should probably stop Tweeting for a while. Because I keep digging a deeper, and deeper hole. And I don't want to get in trouble. 

This all could be avoided if I didn't Tweet while I'm sick.

Who am I kidding? It's too much fun.

The Tweets will continue. Lol.

Phonebook Names

If I don't know someone's last name, I use where I know them from as the name in my phonebook.

For example:

A college classmate from philosophy would be: Russell Philosophy

A woman from a dating website: Jenny OKCupid

Or: Samantha Tinder

Someone I work with: Michael Stop&Shop

UPDATE:

I hope someone doesn't have me in their phonebook as "Crazy Andrew" or "Andrew Unemployed".

I don't use "mom" or "dad". I have their real first and last name.

Tonight's trip to the psychiatrist (Commute)

My Mom claims she wants me to be independent. But she's also keeping me on a short leash, like a prisoner.

For example, tonight, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. He's on the North Shore of Long Island, we live on the South Shore. Opposite ends of the island. It's a long trip.

I've never driven to my doctor alone. Either my mom, dad, or both take me.

Tonight, my Mom isn't feeling well. So she can't go. 

My dad lives on the North Shore (by the psychiatrist) and doesn't want to pick me up on the South Shore, drive back up North for the doctor, back down South to drop me home, then back up North again to return to his home. 

My dad said he'd meet mid-island, halfway.

I'm telling my mom, that I might as well drive myself. My Dad going is a bit of a farce anyway. He doesn't contribute much to the appointment besides the check. Not to mention, going alone would be good for overcoming anxiety. 

Remember, I don't drive on the parkway. But I told her I could take the back streets. It'll take a while. But I know how to get there.

My mom says it's rush hour and holiday traffic. She can't drive, and she's making me too anxious to drive. We BOTH have bad anxiety. 

I asked about an uber or taxi. She said that VERY expensive. And even that seems overwhelming.

And I told her don't yell at Dad to pick me up at the house. If you do that, he'll make the entire trip miserable for me.

Then I start to get delusional that my parents have sinister motives. I don't think they want me showing up to my psychiatrist alone, they want me to look disabled, low-functioning, and helpless - needing a parent - to erase their crime.

But then I come out of the tsunami delusion and realize she's anxious, I'm anxious, and my dad can be a jerk. And I'm frustrated that I'm shrinking my world.

It looks like I'm meeting my dad half-way tonight. But this can't be the norm in the future.

Bathroom Drama

The bathroom downstairs is occupied, so I decided to use the one upstairs. Now my mom wants to use it. 

Living in my parents house, I can't even use the bathroom without there being drama. Ugh!

UPDATE:

(Joke) 

My mom and step dad are screaming that my mom needs to use the bathroom. 


Me: yo mama, give me some privacy so I can tweet about EC3 and Asuka. 


(Joke)

Overcoming Anxiety

Although I HATE my home environment and want change. I guess the anxiety of being in the real world outweighs the frustrations with home. Which is really saying something about my anxiety because this house is HELL!!!!!!

My psychiatrist suggested I call NAMI, find out about the friendship group, take a train to Huntington, and UBER from the station to the group. If for no other reason, to overcome anxiety. But even typing it feels so overwhelming. Why can't mommy do it for me? As a result, I may remain inactive.

I take lots of first steps. For example, contacting Nassau Community College, former professors, ACCES-VR, local theatres, friends about comedy. But I don't follow through to the second, third, fourth, and all steps beyond. 

I'm waiting for someone to spoon feed my life to me. I need to take the bull by the horns, and DO IT MYSELF! I must endure slight discomfort now, instead of overwhelming discomfort later.

I'll most likely find being in the real world is much more satisfying than sitting in a chaotic and broken household all day.

When I was in elementary school, all my friends were jumping off the diving board at the local pool. But I was too afraid. Days, weeks, months passed. I still hadn't jumped. Some kids were calling me a chicken (meaning coward). Others were telling me they'd buy me a CD or dinner if I just jumped into the pool. 

Finally, after months passed, I timidly inched off the diving board and hit the water. After doing it once I could do it again, and again, and again. Why was I so afraid that whole time?

Fart (Bottled Up Emotions)

Bottling up emotions is sort of like holding in a fart.

As a child, I was severely bullied and I didn't stick up for myself. I let everyone punch me, taunt me. I buried the pain. I "held in the fart".

Where did the fart go? It had to go somewhere, and it became a serious mental illness.

If someone is bullying you don't just submit and take the abuse. Tell a doctor, a friend, a family member, make a video, an internet post, workout at the gym. But YOU NEED TO LET THE FART OUT!!!!!!!

Bottled up emotion drove me insane!!!!!!!!!

And when I finally released the fart, it was like a floodgate opened. Diarrhea came out with the most intense fart you've ever heard. But the damage was done, now my insides are all messed up.

(Though very true, this post is meant to be somewhat comedic.)

house expansion

Thank God for the upcoming house expansion. I believe this will be the spark that will ignite my life.

Right now, there are too many people, in too small a space. I need privacy, and the only place I get that is in my small room. I'm hiding from the chaos in that "prison". It cripples me.

Yes, I'm living in a fantasy land, and I know my mom is worried that I'll retreat into an even deeper fantasy land if I have my own "apartment". But I'll have to be on my own eventually. I believe this "independence" will inspire me to do things like reading "I Never Promised You a Rosegarden" (because I'll have peace and quiet), apply to jobs because I'll need money... basically, it'll make me take care of myself.

My videos and internet posts are a visceral reaction to this current home environment. I'm SCREAMING, HELP ME! Maybe I won't need that if I'm on my own.

I can't blame my current situation on my parents entirely, I have bad anxiety and a severe mental illness which keeps me a prisoner.

Life can't get much worse than it is right now. We might as well see if I sink or swim with the house expansion and independence. I KNOW I'll swim.

Fantasy Land

This chaotic world has led to me retreating within myself. From my bedroom, I've created a fantasy land on the internet. It's sort of fun. Right now, my mom is enabling the fantasy land. But it's a house of cards, it won't last forever. She'll inevitably get older. I must prepare.

Codependent

I mentioned during my psychiatry session how I don't like change. I was told that's the understatement of the year.

Although I'm frustrated being home all day with my parents, it's familiar and I'm comfortable.

I'm scared of being in public. I feel everyone's viewing me in a critical way. So I let my anxiety keep me in my room.

I almost wait for my mom's permission and approval to do things. I have separation anxiety when I'm away from her. We're codependent.

I told my doctor that I'd look into a NAMI friendship group for the mentally ill, and I did. But my mom told me it's in a bad neighborhood, and I don't drive on parkways. So I didn't do it.

My doctor told me it's not impossible to get to. I could take the train, then Uber from the train station to the group. I self-defeat because I'm afraid and don't want to.

I'm waiting for someone to spoon feed my life to me. But no one will. I need to start living my own life before my mom gets older, I'm forced to do it, and I'm overwhelmed with everything happening at once.

For example, today, I said I'm too fatigued to go to my recovery program. That's unacceptable. What if I needed a job? I can't just say I'm too tired to come into work today. And even the recovery program my mom is paying for my commute. I'm 31 years old, I should be independent.  But one step at a time.

Medication Fatigue

I go to a recovery program in New York City, and I was supposed to go today (Wednesday). But I'll go tomorrow instead (Thursday). Why? Because Tuesday I got up very early for a doctor's appointment and today I couldn't get out of bed.

I'm on a mega regimen of psychiatric medication, and it makes me sleep very deep and long. Sometimes for 12 hours. For example, yesterday I went to sleep around 8 pm, briefly woke up in the middle of the night, then slept until 8:45 am.

I slept, and slept, and slept. By the time I drank my coffee, woke up, and got rid of my medication fatigue, it was about 11:30 am... actually, I'm STILL tired. It's an hour train ride into NYC. The place closes at 5 pm. It would've been a waste of time.

I plan on waking up early tomorrow and going to this group bright and early. I need to force myself to wake up and get out of bed.

I discussed with my doctor asking this group to work on something media related with me - possibly starting a podcast, video, or maybe even a short film. But I need to get myself there, make it happen, not make an excuse not to go. Life is ticking by and I want to get in the game.

Hockey Game

This past Saturday night, I went to the first New York Islanders game at the Nassau Collesium in years. It was nice getting out of the house, but I wouldn't say I had a wonderful time.

The people I was with were drinking alcohol in the parking lot prior to the game, and I can't drink due to my medication.

I felt like the song "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" by, The Beach Boys. I didn't fit in, I am too advanced. They were BBQing, looking at "hot women", screaming "Let's Go Islanders". I was having bad anxiety. There was one guy who made me uncomfortable, I didn't want him to think I was gay, I couldn't look at him.

So I wandered away and sat in the Marriot Hotel by myself until game time. I wanted to peacefully and silently watch the game. But the crowd was loud, rowdy, and rambunctious. It was stressing me out. They were screaming, cheering, chanting.

I didn't want to be watching a hockey game with the guys. I wanted to be relaxing with my arm around a woman. But it was better than being at home, better than being in my room.

Famous

Are my YouTube videos, podcasts, blog, and Twitter posts are a waste of time if I want to star in a movie, have a radio show, or be on a comedy show like Saturday Night Live?

I want to get famous for my art, but it seems like my current approach is getting me nowhere fast. :(

I don't want to work an ordinary job. My goal is a job like creating a movie, book, or Saturday Night Live comedy host, or something fun like that - not a Starbucks barista, or stock clerk at a supermarket.

Writing On Water

I say these brilliant and insightful things in my psychiatry sessions, saying exactly what I need to do to make my life happen. Then I leave the appointment and proceed to do nothing for the rest of the week. It’s like writing on water.

I feel like I need my Mom’s permission or approval to do things. For example, I discussed ideas with my doctor. My Mom disapproved of them, so I didn't do them. And now I'm sitting in my room, wasting my life.

I’m waiting for someone to spoon feed me. But no one will.

Then I get bitter and angry. Why didn’t a friend from the past help me? Why didn’t my parents help me? Why didn't my doctors help me? Why didn’t a celebrity or Disney help me? Why didn’t God help me? No one can live my life for me. I need to create my own life.

It’s very sad that I wasted my teenage years, my twenties, and now even the beginning of my thirties.

Accepting I lost so much time would overtake me with extreme sadness. So I convince myself a celebrity like Taylor Swift or Billy Joel knows who I am and will rescue me. The harsh truth is I need to take the starting steps at 31 years old, possibly a recovery group. Even writing this, it’s like writing on water. I truly believe someone is coming to rescue me, and it'll be instantaneous success. This protects me.

Sadly, no one is coming to rescue me. And when my Mom inevitably gets older I'll have a rude awakening.