Be Good Mask

I'm afraid to assert myself to my parents, especially my dad and stepdad. My mom told me to "be good", obey every golden rule. I'd passively submit, walk on eggshells, starved of power and control, get yelled at for speaking up. Behind the "be good mask" a monster was growing...

I Might Be On The News

I was interviewed by the news about the incoming tropical storm down by the beach I walk at. I’m not 100% sure which news channel interviewed me, but I think it’s Channel 4 NBC NY.

I said "cool camera", they asked if I'd like to be interviewed. Of course, I said, "I'd love to be."

It was pretty generic stuff. I said: “I live locally. I take daily walks around the neighborhood. It’s cloudy in comparison to how it’s been. If the storm intensifies I might stop walking.”

I really hope they use my clips on the news. I have a suspicion they won’t, though. I was really nervous. Because I was scared, I wasn’t talking naturally. Maybe I’m being overly critical of myself. Have you seen some of the civilians interviewed on the news? They’re horrible.

Look for me on the evening news. I may or may not be featured. I hope I am.

Miserable Stepdad - Peter Pan

In bed, I felt myself finally relaxing from the Fight or Flight Panic Disorder. Then I heard my angry stepdad yelling at the dogs. It's like God told me - that's the problem. I transformed from calmness into ANGER.

At that moment I could see crystal clear how I developed the delusional mood swings. Years of that. I see everyone's descent into misery.

I blame him for robbing me of so much time. I need to realize he's just a miserable old man. He's not intentionally harming me.

I hate the man-child Peter Pan living in Never Never Land analogy. But I wish I could be far away from the screaming. Playing and having fun like the childhood I never had.

Socialization Chains

I don't socialize with anyone in-person day, after day, it's torture. I'm full of pent-up energy and I'm having a meltdown. A friend asked me over the phone: if I'm so frustrated by social isolation then why don't I socialize? For example: go to a church, do my MTA forms, get a job, volunteer. ANYTHING! Socialization is the key to recovery and more effective than any medication (according to my doctor).

It's not that I'm incapable because I'm too low functioning. We theorized it might be related to laziness, dependency, and being spoiled. I want a mother figure to guide me around and do it FOR ME.

I decided to take the initiative and call a local Christian Church about Sunday. On the phone, I was having an extreme panic attack, felt she was viewing me critically. Now I'm afraid to go there Sunday. I'm catastrophizing about driving and the parking lot. I will push through the anxiety and agoraphobia.

I also called local comedy clubs that were closed. I'll also reach out to Fountain House friends.

Then I had to call my mom and tell her about all the success. My mother is getting older and if I want to meet friends, I have to meet friends MYSELF, she can't do it for me.

The reason I started making my sensational social media posts was that I was seeking friendship. Then it turned into money and fame. I was imagining there was a secret admirer. Unfortunately, all evidence shows that it's a pipe dream. I get five views on my videos. The likelihood that it's somebody of significance is slim.

I guess the point I'm trying to make... yes, my posts are like a digital diary and I have fun making them. But if I'm expecting someone to come knocking at my door and say I discovered you from the internet, that's very unrealistic. I've been attempting that for years with no success. The key to meeting friends is reaching out to people in the REAL WORLD. Unfortunately, I have crippling social anxiety and agoraphobia.

When I get filled with frustration I blame my mom. Feel she's torturing me and holding me prisoner. But my chains are internal, not maternal. Sympathize and love my parents. They want the best for me. We're all full of sadness over what happened to us.

I'll go to the Christian Church Sunday, but don't stop there. Keep going into the REAL world. Break free from my chains. And stop telling mommy everything.

delusional mood swings (sadistic monsters)

I get horrifying, delusional mood swings about people. Yesterday, I thought my loving parents tortured me and sabotaged my life for nefarious reasons. Now it has passed...

Most of the time I'm happy Andrew, thinking friends and family love me. But occasionally, I'll think people are villainous monsters that will betray me. Then it passes, and I'm loving Andrew again. This hurts my ability to have meaningful relationships. When you think people who genuinely love you are MONSTERS, they're traumatized. Though it hurts my parents' feelings, they are used to it, and won't leave my life. Unfortunately, friends will have enough. They won't take the abuse, they'll leave my life and I'll be alone with no friends.

Some people have suggested it's genetic. I personally think it's from years of bullying, betrayal, no socialization, being alone in my head, then daydream delusions. Regardless, being unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality might require different medication. They say socialization in the real world is stronger medicine than any Clozeral, that'll give me a firm grasp on reality. Sadly, I'm extremely anxious and agoraphobic.

Coronavirus has been really hard on me. Most of the time I'm alone in my head. it's getting me really sick. Friends have suggested volunteering or a job. Anything to end the isolation.

I'm hoping new friends will reach out to me, but no savior is coming. I have to reach out to new people. Make friends. The years of trauma has me feeling pain and disconnected.

Speaking of delusions, when I publically post things like "my parents are villainous monsters", then leave it public after the delusions pass, you might say I'm making a major mistake. Someone might see that and come to the wrong conclusion. I want it to be seen. It's my life story and makes profound points about struggling with severe mental illness. I think the right people are viewing it, compiling it into a movie screenplay, book, documentary. I'm almost in a simulation, being protected by a guardian angel. I have blind faith. But I know the guardian angel exists. I believe this will end like a feel-good Hollywood movie once I get well. 

There's no question they're bad people who will try and harm you, sadistic monsters like the middle school bullies. Sometimes when you're lost, on the path towards doom, a nice person will lend a hand and help you. Not everyone in the world is a bad person.

friendship

I don't think people realize the intense pain I'm in. It's unbearable. I'm waiting for friends to reach out to me, maybe I need to reach out to them.

I'm weak, vulnerable, and desperately need good friendship. I'm messed up. I often can't tell reality from fantasy. 

I'm afraid I've made major mistakes and I'm upset nobody was helping me. 

I'm afraid this won't end like a feel-good Hollywood movie. It was a LOUD cry for help.

Basically, I'm completely BROKEN, SHATTERED, and wonder why friends let this happen. I guess I didn't have any friends.

Thankfully, I'm meeting some real ones now. 

As you know, I'm often afraid of betrayal.

I have BEST FRIENDS now, the first real friends of my life. Be happy!

My parents tortured me

My parents, Bob Koloski and Christine North are two-faced sadistic monsters who tortured me throughout my life. I have my theories on why. 

My stepdad and brother aren't aware. They'll be used as tools to discredit me. 

My parents are gaslighting me. Controlling my narrative. Keeping my a dependent manchild.

I have been tortured my whole life, then after EXPLODING (in 2011), they had me labeled as the crazy one.

In 2020, they're letting me sabotage my reputation with sensational posts. I'm EXPLODING again. They're willfully blind feigning ignorances. They're putting on the "innocent loving parent with a mentally ill son" mask. Then they'll try to frame me. They're sadistic monsters. I was just a pawn in their sick game.

They joked about North Korea on my birthday and someone having PTSD and going crazy from being detained there. They were trying to trigger me into thinking they're North Korea and I'm the tortured prisoner. Then when I became angry, they began gaslighting me. Then when I get overtaken with emotions, I make sensational social media posts. I SCREAM and SHOUT trying to be heard.

They joked about someone who goes crazy and EXPLODES from years of torture. That's what's happening here. Only I'm not a bad guy, I have a good heart, I was just tortured by two devils.

I'm finally meeting the first real friends of my life in NYC. Throughout my life, they chased all my socialization away. The mental illness was SADISTICALLY INFLICTED. Somebody, help me escape this prison.

My mom is keeping me financially dependent, I have no savings account. Her final nail in my coffin will be shattering my illusion and comfort and security. I'll be overwhelmed with no money or place to live. Even in death, they'll torture me.

Somebody help!!!

Birthday Photos

https://photos.app.goo.gl/K149Dts5BLWKt9od9

Rule-Bending - Pink Floyd

"The lunatic is on the grass."
-Pink Floyd

It's ok to be a rule-bending, risk-taking, outside the box thinking artist in America, England, Etc. Sometimes the risk pays off and you become a rockstar (like Pink Floyd). But they're some countries that frown on this mindset.

Water Shoes

I bought a bathing suit and water shoes off the internet. I needed a bathing suit. I was wearing athletic shorts in the ocean and pools. And water shoes will be good in case I ever go to a rocky beach again. The only thing I'm afraid of is they won't fit.

Otto Frederick Warmbier

Yesterday, on my birthday, my parents were talking about Otto Frederick Warmbier, the American college student who was detained and murdered in North Korea. I'm not going to say anything more than that. But read between the lines.

prison

Throughout my life, my parents got sadistic pleasure from sabotaging my life. Now I'm a dependent manchild who doesn't know how to function without them. This isn't a delusion. They're MONSTERS. I need help escaping their prison.

Accidentally cut myself

I cut my foot open on a rocky beach in the Hampton Bays. I'm sure it was a rock, and my friend cleaned it when we got back to the beach house. But I'm catastrophizing. I don't want something like HIV. Just let it go. Don't go to the emergency room tonight. A hypodermic needle?

I need to remind myself the object that cut me in the ocean was a rock. I know it was. I'm just catastrophizing. It's probably the rocky beach. Let it go.

delicate butterfly

Don't hatch from the cocoon and become The Incredible Hulk. Full of RAGE. Screaming: "HULK SMASH!"

Be like a gentle pop superstar. Hatch from the cocoon, and become a beautiful delicate butterfly. Calm and every one peacefully admires my greatness.

It wasn't a disappointing birthday

Disappointing birthdays drive me into a RAGE. I start smashing things in my apartment. I want to do something sensational and drastic to show them. I must remind myself it wasn't disappointing and I have friends now. It was a happy day, and forget the jerks, they forgot me.

Birthday

I'm in such pain. I'm not sure what I imagined would happen on my birthday. Maybe I was expecting a miracle, someone saying: "I've been secretly watching you for years, now we're going to make the epic movie." I'd become rich and famous. It'd be a grandiose celebration.

But no undercover celebrity cares.

I'm coming to the realization besides my family and a few friends from the psychosocial clubhouse, nobody else cares... even childhood friends forgot. I'd like to think it wasn't intentional and they just forgot, but I see some people active on Facebook. Do they see? Do they care? It's just sad. It's just a reminder of disappointing birthdays with no friendships. 

Rather than be sad, focus on happiness. I have a really good friend, who was here, and she wished me a happy birthday one second into the day. Stop focusing on jerks from the past and expecting them to be something they're not. 

I want someone to say: "I know how much you've suffered, but it's time to become a movie star." That's a delusion. It's not reality. Accept that!

Some Posts (07 24 2020) - Depression

Post 01:

I feel alone and sad. I'm discouraged and losing hope. Full of frustration. It's the years of social isolation, which intensified during the coronavirus. I thank God for my friend from the psychosocial clubhouse. I have no idea how I would've gotten through this time without her.

Post 02:

In 3 hours it's my 33rd birthday. I'm happy to be seeing my friend tomorrow. But I feel so defeated. I'm holding on to my Hollywood pipe dream, that someone will surprise me. It's Double Bookkeeping because down deep I know I'm on the path to doom and can't seem to save myself.

Post 03:

After all the years of hell, who cares I get to be in a masterpiece Hollywood movie. I'd rather not have experienced the horror of no friendships, getting very sick, living in daydreams. It's not a fairytale, it's a horror story. I'm very sick and can't take anymore pain.

Post 04:

Did I intentionally isolate myself out of spite? Or was I damaged, anxious, and had no social skills? Years of social isolation was torture, I comforted myself with delusional daydreams. I've met a good friend recently. I must accept she's my only real friend. Nobody else cares.

Post 05:

With the exception of meeting this friend last year. My whole life has been a nightmare. I'm just so sad and full of frustration.

Post 06:

I'm sending out S.O.S.'s on social media, but nobody hears it. The reason I started doing that was because of anxiety and agoraphobia. I'm told meeting friends in the real world is the solution, but I feel so disconnected and damaged. In a way, I don't want to meet friends.

Post 07:

After the horror I lived through, I feel like I'm synced differently than everybody else. Somebody help me. I'm on the path to doom. My whole life has been hellish torture, and it's going to only get worse.

Post 08:

I'm in such pain. I want to blame someone, so I look towards my parents, think they put me through hell intentionally. I get so ANGRY at them. Unfortunately, this is just a very sad story. Nobody wanted this to happen.

Post 09:

If I didn't have my friend and the delusional pipe dream that I'm going to become rich and famous soon, I don't know what I'd do. Maybe someday reality will sink in, I'll realize I'm living a lie. For now, the delusions protect me from extreme sadness.

Some Posts (07 24 2020)

Post 01:
My birthday is tomorrow. The big 33. I'm old. But have never felt better.

Post 02:
Lately I've outgrown cheap entertainment. I'm going pursue more intellectual and sophisticated forms of entertainment, like the Cell Waters YouTube channel. That's the work of a super genius. So much greater than pop / rock music, pro wrestling, and superhero movies. Masterpiece!

Post 03:
Assuming a rockstar ISN'T my biological father, this STILL will be overwhelming and an adjustment from nobody caring I exist (besides my friends from the psychosocial clubhouse). Then again, I'm told I'm delusional by psychiatrists, that I'm not on the brink of massive fame.

Post 04:
I suspect fame is going to happen on July 25th, my 33rd birthday. They're finally going to hit the start button to the party. It's long overdue. If coronavirus has shown us anything, hit the button now because you may never get a chance to if you wait much longer.

Post 05:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/jxM2rsiM5F93W5hJ6  
July 23, 2020.

People like sensational craziness... I guess. 

But here are wholesome, real photos from my birthday dinner at a fancy French restaurant. 

I must lose the fake Joker gimmick and be my ordinary self. Why am I playing the exaggerated "craziest person ever" gimmick?

friend from the psychosocial clubhouse

My really good friend from the psychosocial clubhouse transformed my life for the better. Before August 2019, I had no friends, was socially anxious, agoraphobic, felt disconnected from everyone. I'm in synchronicity with this friend. Maybe it's because she's like a mother figure that I feel protected by. I'm a little mentally ill baby that she's showing the big world to. She's helping me overcome my agoraphobia, become familiar with New York City, and have a real-life out of my bedroom internet fantasy-land. I love her so much for that.

Tonight, I went to a fancy French restaurant for my 33rd birthday. I'll admit I was having panic attacks, felt people were looking at me critically because I eat like a slob and behave like a manchild. I get anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I want to scream, HELP ME! 

But I had a wonderful time. I'm feeling so much better mentally because I was out of the house. I will thank my friend so much. I'm having loving, wholesome fun, the best days of my life. But it's not wise to be dependent on one person. Life is unpredictable and can change, I need to get money and independence. I need to stop being so afraid of the real world.

Kanye West (mental illness on social media)

Kanye West is making posts on Twitter that make it seem like he's having a meltdown. Everyone was talking about how unwell he sounded. Then he says... by the way, my new album is coming out Friday.

I'm sure he has bipolar disorder, severe mental illness. But he's sensationalizing his mental illness to sell rap records. That's disgusting and despicable.

You might say, isn't that what you're doing, Andrew with your "wrestling character"?! I disagree. I think I'm trying to make profound points to empower people. Not make myself look like a "freak show" on social media to get everyone talking, then promote my "upcoming record."

Some people say: you can't fake what Kanye's doing. Maybe he is having a manic episode, psychosis, and severe mental illness. Maybe. But he is exaggerating it. Maybe it's not about promoting himself to make money. But having a sensational meltdown helps no one besides telling a BROKEN Matt Hardy-like freak show story about mental illness.

Dr. Natural often tells me to lose The Joker (comic book) character, especially if I want to advocate for mental illness. I now see why. Don't exploit my condition for financial gain, help people, don't make a joke out of it.

Tell a REAL STORY, and INSPIRATIONAL STORY, not a sensational story about a madman. Yes, it gets everyone talking. But it makes you look like a freak. And doesn't help people with mental illness.

sensational entertainment

I loved professional wrestling and superhero movies very much AS A KID. I shouldn't get angry that I'm growing beyond it. It's the natural progression of life. I want to be viewed as an intellectual adult, who isn't into sensational entertainment. I don't want to be a man-child.

I Have A Good Life

I think my mom's bipolar. We'd often joke as children, mom's having one of her bipolar mood swings again.

Most of the time my mom's happy, loving mom, then she'll have these angry mood swings where she screams, and screams and, screams. That's not good for my mental health. It makes me become delusional she's an evil monster. In these moments I lose sight of, my mom loves me very much and would do anything for me. She provides me with money, food, a place to live, the best doctors. I don't have to do anything around the house. My existence is easy. I'm lucky. I just get overwhelmed by the emotional tsunami.

intense delusional fantasies

It takes courage to post what I just have and aside for calling it "ABUSE ME IN THAT WAY", it's completely uncensored. But I feel so strongly about exposing it.

It gives great insight into someone who has experienced hell for so long, has been abused again, and again, is at his wit's end. Then when he feels he's going into a group home, that even his future is going to be hell... basically, don't turn into The Incredible Hulk.

The delusional tsunami usually develops by my mom yelling, and yelling, and yelling at me. I submit, get filled with rage, then get intense delusional fantasies.

Then a half-hour later she says, everything's good now. Has a happy mood swing. But unfortunately in those rage-filled moments, it could've gotten ugly.

I need to say to her, during the Coronavirus pandemic, I'm very frustrated. Don't yell at me. But I can't assert myself and she views me as a child.

I'm not the severely mentally ill one who needs to be medicated.

Some Posts (07 19 2020)

Post 01:

Do you want to roll your eyes at me? I was biting my toenails after a walk around the neighborhood, then a toenail went into my tongue. Needless to say, could I have contracted HIV

Post 02:

My dad can be cruei and doesn't show empathy. Throughout my life, he took pleasure in intimidating me and making me anxious. I once became physical with him because I was having delusions. It still bothers me remembering the upset look on his face. Does he ever feel bad?

Post 03:

Sometimes people want vengeance until we get a form of it, see their pained expression and feel guilty. If they weren't jerks who took pleasure in traumatizing us then it'd be horrible. They did. Don't feel bad in their moment of weakness, they didn't feel bad in yours.

Not The HOLOCAUST

I just sent an e-mail that said: "My parents SADISTICALLY TORTURED ME, made me live through the HOLOCAUST, they're done with me and about to stick me in a group home... and nobody cares. I'm filled with ANGER and RAGE. Somebody HELP!!!!!!!"

The emotion tsunami has passed. My parents are not sadistic monsters.

Basically, what triggered it was my mom screaming at me about my dad. She's frustrated about him and takes her anger out on me, he takes his anger out on me about her, and I just submit.

My mom and dad are abusive and neglectful but they didn't ABUSE ME IN THAT WAY, sabotage friendships, socialization, hold me prisoner, and try to murder me in my early 20's.

I just get overtaken with rage about what happened, then get lost and delusional fantasies. My mom's screaming doesn't help. Then she says hurtful things like you're going in a group home. And I think that's the final nail in my coffin.

Then I think the reason they sabotaged my life is Syd Barrett is my biological father. My parents are two-faced sadistic monsters who are about to turn evil on me. My entire existence has been one big lie.

I must remind myself they love me. It's just high emotion. Calmly say to my mom, don't scream at me. It's not good. It's the emotion overtaking me like a tsunami. With the coronavirus and isolation, I'm at my wit's end. My psychopharmacologist has called the home a powder keg. It's never been more true than now. I'll just avoid her. Let the rage pass.

My Mom loves me. Nobody wanted this to happen. Her mood swing has become "happy mom now." It's all good.

My Dad

My Dad (Bob K.) was the BIGGEST BULLY. He took sadistic pleasure in traumatizing me, making me feel unsafe. He wanted me to build "Pink Floyd - The Wall", ruin my life, have no socialization, and be so anxious that I wear a "Be Good" mask. There's truth to the delusions. 

Some Posts (07 16 2020)

Post 01:

I want to know the truth.

Is a rockstar my biological father?

Is a pop superstar madly in love with me?

I daydream, but that's all it is... Delusional daydreams.

I need to accept my daydreams aren't real.

Post 02:

I'm more talented, smarter, took greater risks than most artists ever have. I worked so hard. I really deserve to be rewarded... Like now. If there is a magical savior, guardian angel out there, hit the start button on the fun. It's time.

Post 03:

Although it might be funny if Syd Barrett is my biological father, down deep, I want it to be my dad (Bob K). I want my friends to like me for me, I want to think I earned success myself. Basically, I hope my entire existence wasn't one big lie.

Post 04:

I look at posts dated years ago, which may or may not be about me. It can be spooky.

I saw posts in the present, then go back years later, reread them with a new leash on life, having evolved, and think wow I was asleep.

They can ALMOST predict the future. Though, no one can.

Post 05:

I know time travel doesn't exist. But seeing something from 2008 that you finally understand in 2020, but you can't talk to that person anymore. It's surreal and spooky. Time keeps ticking. Someday, someone might be creeped out by my old social media posts when I'm long gone.

Post 06:

Remember the future is unforeseeable. You can plan. But something can happen that changes everything TODAY. This is why don't wait and plan... Enough is enough. Hit the start button on the fun imaginary friends. If not now, it may be never. I'm assuming there's someone out there.

Post 07:

The "rust" on the fence has gotten bigger. It looks like someone is smearing blood, though, my mom says it's rust. It looks like hand prints, fingerprints. I think someone is nefariously trying to poison me with HIV. But it's probably the same delusional panic attack again.

Post 08:

If I really think about it, even if a psychopath did want to poison me with HIV... the smear blood on my fence plan doesn't make sense. It's like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers. We're going to put him in an easily escapable situation and hope everything goes to plan.

Post 09:

Assuming I'm delusional that I'm going to become rich and famous soon. What would a psychopaths motivation be for smearing HIV blood on my fence anyway? That I'm wholesome, kind, and shine brightly. Evil people hate good vibrations? Jealousy? There's no money in it for them.

Post 10:

There's truth to people can see you shine brightly, sense the good vibrations, and bully you because they're jealous. Sometimes it's evil kids in middle school, or a sketchy criminal at the train station, or an angry waiter at a restaurant. I want to be safe and sound, no bullies.

Post 11:

I was a happy kid. A little anxious. I had good vibrations, shined brightly, and sadistic bullies in middle school intensified my fear of the world. I became agoraphobic and socially anxious because of them. I felt damaged and developed mental illness. Now I want to hide.

Post 12:

According to my doctor, because of what I went through in middle school, I think everyone in the real world is a SADISTIC MONSTER. The bullies terrified and traumatized me. Unfortunately, the world isn't as scary as I think. I wasted so much time hiding from it in daydream land.

Post 13:

I guess my school district educated me. But the the biggest thing it gave me was childhood trauma and severe mental illness. I'm a 32 year old, dependent manchild, who's terrified of the real world. So I live in delusional daydreams on the internet.

Medications

I'm on a mega regimen of psychiatric medication and it's so unnecessary. I know people who are MUCH SICKER THAN ME, and every single one of them is on significantly less medication. I know because I asked.

When I was on just Risperdal and had a girlfriend I was doing just fine. I think THAT DELUSION has a lot to do with the frustration of being home with my parents, dependency, and having no friends.

Maybe I might need a little Inverga for the "celebrities know who I am" delusion. But I think getting life in the real world will eliminate those daydreams too.:

Right now I'm on:

Invega 9 mg at night once a day
Lamotrigine (Lamictal) 125 mg once a day
Latuda 40 mg at night once a day
Lithium 300 mg
(Xanax .25 (as needed))
Cabergoline 2 mg weekly
Levothyroxine (thyroid) 75 mg (for thyroid adverse effects)
Ondansetron 4mg at night (so not to throw up, Latuda/Invega adverse effect)
Rivastigmine 3 mg twice a day (so 3 in the morning, 3 at night) (for Memory/adverse effect), so 6 mg

I just came down on Lithium with my doctor, from 600 mg to 300 mg. I'm starting to feel like a real person again. I feel happiness, sadness, don't feel so numb. And that's only a SLIGHT REDUCTION.

I want to come down ASAP. I just asked my mom to make an appointment sooner. I'm so ready. Obviously, I'm going to do this safely with my doctor. But I'm so frustrated and angry it got to this point. It was my mom's fault. I must stop listening to mommy, she'll make my nightmares come true (to quote Pink Floyd) - and I'll be chemically lobotomized. Unfortunately, she pays for my doctor so she has a lot of influence. 

Some Posts (07 14 2020)

Post 01:

That'd be funny if Sacha Baron Cohen made a gut-wrenching tragedy about Borat, and didn't let anyone know it's not a comedy. So when people saw it in theaters they were empathizing with and wanted to cry because of how bad Borat's life is, confusing them about Borat's genre.

Post 02:

I was going to buy the Justin Bieber song Yummy as a goof because it makes me laugh at how bad it is, then I realized I'd be giving him money, the jokes on me. Thankfully, I didn't. He's so talentless and unlikable. Is anyone genuinely a fan of his? I can't imagine who could be.

Post 03:

I feel bad that girlfriends when they spent the night I'd go to sleep at 8 pm and sleep for 12 hours because I was so tired from my medication. When they said they weren't tired. I said: fake it until you make it. Attempt sleep, eventually you will. They were probably lying awake.

Post 04:

Dr. Natural said to me: Syd Barrett is not your biological father and the nefarious people you were interacting with on the internet aren't his nephew and family.

What I heard: Syd Barrett is my biological father and I'm internacting with long lost family. (this is a "delusion")

Post 05:

I frequently dream that I forgot my high school locker combination, so I have to carry my books in my backpack, and the books in my locker I no longer have access too. The dream doesn't really make sense. Why don't I ask the attendance office to cut my lock, then buy a new one?

Post 06:

Last night, I dreamt I couldn't remember my high school gym locker combination so I couldn't get dressed for class. I get this dream a lot. I'm not sure why. Maybe it stressed me out back then.

Post 07:

For today's HIV panic attack. I stepped on a bandaid while walking around, then something sharp scraped me in our garbage can. It's the same panic again, and again, just the scenarios are changed. I must let it go. HIV is a fragile virus, it's really hard to contract this way.

Post 08:

My best friend and I are like adorable Yorkie twins. The coolest people on plant earth, and beyond.

Post 09:

It takes courage to post what I have. I have blind faith there's a guardian angel protecting me, and this will be turned into a feel-good epic movie and documentary. People tell me I'm delusional. When you make your life public it has the potential to end badly (cyberbullies).

Post 10:

Sometimes in poker, if you believe in your hand so much, GAMBLE EVERYTHING! You could lose everything. Then again, in terms of money, what do I have to lose? I'm a disabled man-child, and if I don't take the risk with sensational art, will probably be poor my whole entire life.

Men At Work - Be Good Johnny (Colin Hay)

In the Men At Work song "Be Good Johnny", Johnny is his mother's golden boy who obeys every golden rule. He doesn't want to play football, cricket (be in the real world). All he wants to do is live in fantasy and daydreams where no one is screaming. Like his parents, the bullies. It's social anxiety and agoraphobia. Feeling like he's constantly walking on eggshells.

"Be Good" is so ingrained in Johnny's mind, that even when the song stops saying "Be Good", the mind still makes the listener hear those words from years of repeatedly getting drilled into his brain. Johnny doesn't have to even be told anymore. He needs to break free from the shackles and be Bad Johnny every so often.

At the end of the song, you're lead to believe Johnny is REALLY Colin Hay, the lead singer and frontman of Men At Work. Basically, he hatched from the cocoon and became a beautiful butterfly rockstar.

___

I'm like Johnny as well. I'm my mother's Golden Boy. I want to be away from the chaos and screaming, daydreaming all day long. I'm meek, susceptible to bullies, scared of the real world. So I play in a fantasy-land.

Some Posts (07 12 2020)

Post 01:

I'm not Batista foiling Triple H's (my dad's) nefarious Joker-like plans. He's my biological father. I'm just daydreaming and can't tell what's reality and fantasy at times.

Post 02:

I was bullied in my childhood, had no friends for years, and began living in daydreams to comfort myself from the pain. To have a life, I must live in the real world. Like my doctor says, I never promised you the real word would be a rose garden (Joanne Greenberg).

Post 03:

This isn't WWE, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, or Gotham City (Batman) - it's PLANT EARTH! It might be comforting having sensational daydreams, but for success, I must live in the real world. Often, things don't end like a feel-good Hollywood movie.

Post 04:

I'm socially anxious and agoraphobic. I'm frustrated about living at home and blame my parents for being the bane of my existence. But today I tried venturing outside my comfort zone and drove to the beach on a busy day with a friend. We got lost and I began having massive panic attacks.

Post 05:

I was supposed to go to the beach with my friend, it was very crowded, I became overwhelmed with panic attacks due to the traffic. I wanted to get home safely as soon as possible. We still had a nice day and went in my pool. But I'm sure she was at least slightly disappointed.

Post 06:

It's true my chains are internal, not maternal. Today is a perfect example of that. The only one that prevented the beach was me. I was having severe panic attacks and agoraphobia from the traffic on the road. Then I get frustrated that my world is shrinking so I blame mom.

Post 07:

I was walking around the neighborhood tonight, I'll tell you today's HIV panic attack.

A tree limb scraped my arm... HIV? 

Then I kicked something that sounded metallic and I couldn't find what it was... A hypodermic needle?

It's a nightmare that I feel so unsafe everywhere.

Post 08:

I just want to be home safe and sound, living in my fantasy-land. I'm headed for doom when my mom goes away because I'm a dependent manchild. I must fight the daydreams, delusions, panic attacks, and get independent. I don't want to be institutionalized because I can't function.

it's passed

Most of the time I'm happy-go-lucky Andrew. But once in a while, I get horrifying panic attack delusional mood swings thinking people are sadistic monsters (like my parents). It affects my ability to have meaningful relationships. I now know my parents love me. Delusions passed.

I'm gonna leave the delusional posts public. Why? Because I'm hoping a major motion picture company or a book publishing company will see the profound point I'm making about mental illness, and want to create a movie. Maybe make a disclaimer: some posts are delusional psychosis.

Some Posts (07 11 2020)

Post 01:

About that horrible panic attack that I get throughout the day, with multiple scenarios. I almost want to be resigned to my fate, even though I'm not doing anything high risk or reckless. I think it's from getting nefariously poisoned. Please still be my friend even if it happens.

Post 02:

It boils down to I had no friends growing up. I wanted friendship. So I created this fantasy world with imaginary friends. It's actually very sad and most of the world doesn't care.

Post 03:

Who am I even talking to? There's no secret imaginary friend reading this. I believe there is. All evidence shows I'm shouting into a void.

Post 04:

Is my mother to blame for my lack of friendships? Did she nefariously sabotage my life? Or was it really the middle school bullies?

Post 05:

August 2012: I didn't have any friends. I went with my mom and dad to Atlantic City. As my dad took this picture he said: "I call this one the cougar." A woman who was passing said: "ewww creepy." I guess she didn't realize they were my parents and it was wholesome and innocent.

Post 06:

It'd be funny if Donald Trump became so upset that privately owned California social media companies are censoring him... So he creates a Government social media platform that all Americans are required to sign up for by law. You have to fill out info: like social security number.

Post 07:

Something shady is going on with my mom and dad. I have my suspicions, but at this point that's all it is. I can't be naive and gullible. I publicize my life on social media, they're intentionally playing dumb, watching for every little mistake. I'm honest, frank, and REAL.

Post 08:

I often get the "my parents are sadistic monsters delusion." Are they gaslighting me then I willfully blind myself to the truth? If so, most of the time I'm willfully blind thinking everything is rainbows and butterflies. I hope my parents are good and my panic is just a delusion.

Post 09:

My dad would take sensational photos making fun of me as a child. Also, some to fit his narrative. He took too many to count. I don't have access to most of them. I was willfully blind at the time. He probably burned the ones that don't fit his narrative.

Post 10:

I made a joke I'm like Spider-Man and my dad's like Mysterio. He's duping me that he loves me. I'm naive, gullible, and willfully blind thinking everything is peaches and cream, then he'll have a professional wrestling-like heel turn on me when I least expect it, turning evil.

Post 11:

It's time to willfully blind myself again, pretending my parents love me, making silly jokes thinking I'm going to Hollywood for masterpiece comedy about mental illness, and pretend everything is rainbows and butterflies while my life is falling apart.

Doctors say I'm delusional.

Post 12:

Maybe this isn't a happy and wholesome love story and loving parents who care about their severely mentally ill son. Maybe they're sadistic, nefarious, and evil. They've been controlling my narrative for when I finally WAKE UP to reality, attempting to erase their sick crime.

Post 13:

Even if I'm delusional, I'm having the SADISTIC MONSTER delusion again, and my parents love me... there's no denying it takes a lot of courage to post what I just have. I felt so right about it. It felt like a tremendous injustice was committed against me. I had to be HEARD!

Post 14:

I saw my dad today and he triggered intense bad thoughts. Now I'm getting horrifying panic attacks he poisoned me with HIV to rob me of my future. I need to realize this is a delusional, mood swing, the monster behind a mask, panic attack. He loves me. My parents love me.


___
UPDATE
Most of the time I'm happy-go-lucky Andrew. But once in a while, I get horrifying panic attack delusional mood swings thinking people are sadistic monsters (like my parents). It affects my ability to have meaningful relationships. I now know my parents love me. Delusions passed.

I'm gonna leave the delusional posts public. Why? Because I'm hoping a major motion picture company or a book publishing company will see the profound point I'm making about mental illness, and want to create a movie. Maybe make a disclaimer: some posts are delusional psychosis.

Some Posts (07 10 2020)

Post 01:

I'm not severely mentally ill... I'm just functioning on a higher cosmic level.

Post 02:

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood, tree leaves were on the ground from the storm, I stepped on them. I'm afraid an HIV hypodermic needle was hidden in there for nefarious reasons to poison me. I'm not joking. I want to drive over to check. I must let the panic attack go.

Post 03:

I'm so frightened in the real world that I just want to stay home safe and sound. Unfortunately, I've never experienced life for that reason. I'm a dependent man-child. When my mom no longer provides me with money and a place to live, it'll be an overwhelming catastrophe for me.

Post 04:

I become some overtaken with panic in the real world that I'm SCREAMING on the inside. It's like everything is focused on me. I want to be home or around people who make me feel safe and sound (like my parents or good friends). I'm timid and shy. The real world overwhelms me.

Post 05:

Because I get panic attacks and I'm agoraphobic, I was home all day long with my elderly mom and stepdad. I'm actually lucky in a way. But my frustrations make me blame them like they are the bane of my existence. I'm told my chains are internal, not maternal. Now I'm alone.

Post 06:

I feel so disconnected from people and alone in my head. It's like nobody hears or understands me... besides some friends at the psychosocial clubhouse. Since August of last year, I'm beginning to meet the first real friends of my life. Sadly, the Coronavirus isolation is hard.

Post 07:

A woman from the psychosocial clubhouse, who read my screenplay, was critical because it sounded like a massive cry for help to her. She doesn't understand. Many masterpieces are cries for help.

It'll be called: "Help me, imaginary friend, I have Schizoaffective disorder."

Post 08:

The frustrating thing is I'm intelligent and self-aware, but I'm doomed if I don't take action. My solution is repeated cries for help on social media.

I must fight hard because independence from my mother, socialization, and money is important for high-functioning.

Children Dream

Last night I dreamt, I was hanging out with Taylor Swift, her brother, my family. We were at my grandparents house, were behaving like wholesome and pure children, having my mom cook for us, playing video games. I said, I want to like Michael Jackson... Unfortunately, he's bad.

Men At Work - Be Good Johnny

I'm like Johnny from the Men At Work song "Be Good Johnny." I'm my mother's Golden Boy. I want to be away from the chaos and screaming, daydreaming all day long. I'm meek, susceptible to bullies, scared of the real world. So I play in a fantasy-land.

Hustled in NYC

Some guy was trying to hustle me in New York City at Penn Station. I was meeting my friend in the subway, so I was alone, at the MTA Subway refill station.


A man inappropriately approached me and said: "black lives matter." Then said he worked with the MTA was trying to get my money and debit card. He was touching my hands, trying to take control.


I must've looked like a meek tourist. I wanted to be left alone. Thankfully, I was able to get away from him.


I'm afraid he poisoned me with HIV, everyone said he was after money, poisoning me wasn't his goal. In fact, he immediately moved onto a new victim seeking money.


It was very unpleasant.

Some Posts (07 09 2020)

Post 01:

I know you're sorry and wish it didn't happen... I know.

Unfortunately, I had no friends for years, was always alone in my head, had a psychotic break, and developed a severe mental illness where I blur fantasy and reality. The daydreams protected me from extreme sadness.

Post 02:

It kept getting worse, and worse, and worse. At some point I became so detached from the world that I lost touch with reality. I'm so damaged and broken. Recovery is possible. It'll be a lot of hard work.

Post 03:

I'm talking to an "imaginary friend" that I'm hoping will appear. Sadly, nobody was secretly viewing my posts. 

Now I have real-life friends. I don't need the daydreams because I have real self-esteem.

Abstain from social media and let go of the "imaginary friend" delusion.

Post 04:

I'm in and out of the "my parents are sadistic monsters who sabotaged my life because a rockstar is my secret biological father" delusions today. They arrive, overtake me, pass, then I love my wonderful parents again. It's upsetting when you have rapid delusional mood swings.

Post 05:

I want to cry. I’m a prisoner because of how my mind works. I often can’t tell what’s the reality because I daydream. 

Nobody can help, no medication helps, praying to God doesn’t help. It’s a nightmare. Why can’t I see clearly?! 

It'll only get worse when my parents get older.

Post 06:

Life sucks so much. Why must I suffer from Schizoaffective disorder?! Some say it's genetic, I think it developed from childhood bullying, then 2005 - 2011, or maybe nature and nurture. Regardless, I can't function in the real world and I'm on the path to being institutionalized.

Post 07:

My life has been one big nightmare. I lost my childhood and early adulthood to severe mental illness, then when my mom stops taking care of me because I'm a dependent man-child... well, that'll be an overwhelming catastrophe. I hope you're happy, bullies. I must get independent.

Misc High School Photos

2001 - 2005. Misc High School Photos.

High School Graduation

June 2005.

These are photos from my High School Graduation party. No friends came, I was miserable from my mother's overinvolvement. According to doctors, it's because I was bullied. My friendships weren't being sabotaged for nefarious reasons. My mother loves me very much.  

Wholesome Posts About My Love

Post 01:
My BEST FRIEND asked me to make some happy, wholesome posts. So I shall. We're like bunnies or Yorkie puppies... But naughty, mischievous, and bad. How bad can these lovable cute animals truly be? They're not bad. We have hearts of gold. We're probably the nicest people on Earth.

Post 02:
We're wholesome and happy Yorkie loves, with a pinch of madness.

That's what makes us madly in love, the mischievous side, the rule-bender side, the crazy side... But we're also amazingly kind and compassionate.

severe mental illness

Obviously this is more complex than I was bullied in middle school, so I had a psychotic break. But being socially isolated, agoraphobic, daydreaming all day long from mid-2005 - 2011 ruined my life. I've been recovering from mental illness ever since.

Occasionally I make progress. Then something like the Coronavirus happens. The line between fantasy and reality has been so blurred lately because of the months of social isolation.

I want to apologize to my mom, dad, stepdad, EVERYONE. I want to be a wholesome, loving, good guy. Unfortunately, I struggle with a severe mental illness that makes me lose touch with reality.

What can I do? I'm already on so much medication. For the most part, I feel better when the medication is decreased.

I want to cry. I'm a prisoner because of how my mind works. I often can't tell what's the reality because I daydream. 

Nobody can help, no medication helps, praying to God doesn't help. It's a nightmare. It'll only get worse when my mom stops taking care of me. Life sucks so much. Why can't I see clearly?! Please God help me see clearly.

Delusional Psychosis

Some of the triggers to my delusions are social isolation which leads to daydreaming and unpleasant conversations.

I get overwhelmed like an incoming tsunami, exorcise my demons online with an internet temper tantrum, then I return to normal - loving my parents again.

Having rapid delusional mood swings about people affect my ability to have meaningful relationships. One minute my mom's my loving savior, then she's a sadistic monster. Yes, it's my illness. Most people can't understand the way my mind works and aren't empathetic.

Why don't I take down the posts that are delusional about my parents? Because I want to develop a movie with a major motion picture company about mental illness. I want the posts to be seen. Maybe I should put a disclaimer on my blog: "many posts are delusional psychosis."

S.O.S.

Doctors have said for years the thoughts a rockstar is my biological father and my parents SADISTICALLY sabotaged my life are "delusions"... But I don't think they are. I think my parents were controlling my narrative and gaslighting me.

My mom made me a dependent manchild, controlled me like a puppet, sabotaged all childhood friendships, chased all my girlfriends away. I developed a severe daydreaming mental illness. It's not genetic, it was intentionally inflicted.

I could've died from mid-2005 - 2011 from an eating disorder.

I was sadistically robbed of my childhood, early adulthood. 

She didn't let me save money in my name. Then when she goes away, that'll be the final nail in my coffin.

She tried erasing her crime. The only evidence I have is my digital footprint, and doctors appointments after the hospitalizations.

The only way I knew how to get help, was sending out S.O.S.'s online. A shortcut to success with sensational posts.

Don't let her revisionist history fool you. She's a two-faced sadistic monster. The only reason she bought me doctors and provides me with a place to live is to erase her crime.

It feels like nobody hears me or cares.

Fantasy-land (Some Posts)

Post 01:

I'm giving whoever digs past my Andrew Koloski mask a glimpse into my mind, daydreams, and fantasy-land under my secret pseudonym on social media. We all have to wear masks in the real world, under a fake name online, I can create my artistic world. I'm freely myself.

Post 02:

My art is an S.O.S. for socialization and understanding. But I've also accepted no one can understand, so I stay my fantasy-land, and daydream.

I've made progress, I'm beginning to enter the real world, have real friendships. The desire to retreat inward is still there.

Post 03:

Unfortunately, a fantasy-land will not save me from reality. I have no money saved in the bank, am a dependent man-child. When my mom gets older, if I'm not independent...

I'm told by my doctor there's no evidence a major motion picture company is getting ready to make a movie.

Post 04:

The real world is not rainbows and butterflies, it's harsh and cruel. If I desire to have an independent life, give up the daydreams. I don't want to be institutionalized because I can't function, I'm capable of having freedom. I'm told the real world can be better than fantasy.

Post 05:

I think my fantasy-land isn't genetic, traumatic experiences resulted in me retreating inward. Unfortunately, I developed severe mental illness. But I know I can recover. I just have to work hard and fight off the comforting fantasies. They're a warm blanket but it's harming me.

Post 06:

A friend joked I'm taking mental illness to a whole new level, a whole new dimension... and that is a fantasy-land online. Maybe doctors will analyze it someday and create a paper, make they'll make a movie, maybe I'll have friendships... I'm also doing it because I enjoy it.

Post 07:

Perhaps abstaining from social media would be wise if I want to exit the fantasy-land. It's like they're giving me personal messages with their public posts. In a way, celebrities are talking to me, they're talking to EVERYONE. I think we'll make the epic masterpiece movie soon.

Post 08:

If you're wondering why I can explain reality, but also be lost in fantasy and daydreams. I have my doctor to thank. Before it was just psychosis. Now it's Double Bookkeeping. That's progress. Now I must fight off delusional daydreams COMPLETELY.

Post 09:

About the psychosis Double Bookkeeping... I usually believe the delusions. I'm just able to verbalize what my doctor tells me in an intellectual way. Because people can't read my mind, when you express lucid sounding thoughts, they ASSUME you're fine.

sabotaging my life

My mom made a "people who lived through the holocaust" analogy today in relation to me. Now that's extreme, I not gonna touch that comment with a ten-foot pole, but it certainly triggered "delusions" and unpleasant thoughts.

Let's assume my parents aren't gaslighting me and sadistically sabotaging my life for nefarious reasons. Let's assume they're not two-faced. In public, pretending to be a loving mother. In secret a sadistic monster. Let's assume they weren't controlling my narrative in front of doctors, speaking FOR ME, to erase their crime.

My mom made me unsure of myself, a dependent man-child. I had no friends, no girlfriends, no job, no money in my childhood. My mom was living my life for me, controlling me like a puppet.

I was running all day long from mid-2005 - 2011, I wasn't eating much, was skeleton thin, could've died. As a result of being alone in my head, I began daydreaming, had a psychotic break. Only when I started accusing my parents of nefarious crimes did they take action.

Why were they willfully blind for so long? 

I must remind myself, my mom loves me very much. She isn't SATAN! My mom wasn't trying to punish my biological father. Syd Barrett, Billy Joel, no rockstar is my biological father. It's just a sad situation.

However, I must take action before my mom gets older, because being dependent is preparing me for overwhelming doom. I have no money in the bank. But that isn't a sadistic final nail in my coffin. She didn't intentionally rob me of my childhood, and early adulthood. She isn't poisoning me with HIV to rob me of girlfriends. My chains are internal, not maternal.

Some Posts (07 07 2020)

The Beach Boys – Pet Sounds:

Pet Sounds like ending:

Post 01:
Sometimes your have to fake a Borat-like buffoon character in front of everyone because nobody hears you, understands you, I just wasn't made for these times.

With that said, I'm doing well. I'm just being artistic and creative.

Then Mike Love will take all the credit.


Post 02:
I went to a doctor years ago who didn't believe I was writing my text messages because I come across as a meek, powerless buffoon. I'm not afraid to express myself artistically. I might appear like a joke. Truth is I'm intelligent and profound. I don't care if you don't believe.


Post 03:
In person, I often make jokes like a buffoon. It's just easier to play dumb around certain people because they're incapable of hearing or understanding me. Instead of trying to make them HEAR, I'll make them laugh at what a freak I am.


Post 04:
Maybe I want to feel like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys, but what I've lived through is much worse. I had sadistic people who were sabotaging my life for nefarious reasons. Technically, Brian Wilson's father was trying to promote him to make himself selfishly rich.


Post 05:
Because nobody listened I had to get brave, bold, and hard and leave no doubt of the horror. My screams were perfectly on the money. This is unprecedented and ground-breaking. I deserve success. I shouldn't be a pathetic, helpless, dependent man-child. I'm a talented GENIUS! I deserve success. I'm shouldn't be a pathetic, helpless, dependent man-child. I'm a talented GENIUS!

Shortcut

Why don't people write masterpiece classic American novels anymore? People aren't dumber. The smart people would rather create a sensational pop song or YouTube video, cash in then relax on the beach for the rest of their life. Why work hard when you can get rich from a shortcut?

Nobody Listened

Unfortunately, nobody listened to me. It didn't have to turn into impossible to ignore, sensational SCREAMS on social media. Somebody could have freed me from oppression years ago. They were scared. It was a tough issue to tackle. With help from my doctor, I'll achieve success.

Synchronicity

I'm a bold rule-bender, especially on social media. I hope my gamble will pay off, and it will end like a feel-good Hollywood movie.

Sadly, I'm on another level. I'm not in synchronicity with anyone - besides my friends from the psychosocial clubhouse. Everyone else is scared.

The Beach Boys and Borat

The Beach Boys were a Surfin' band that was appealing to teenage girls. Brian Wilson wasn't made for these times, he wanted people to FEEL HIS PAIN with Pet Sounds. But he was making teenage girls cry.

I'm a Borat-like comedian. I'm just making the lowest common denominator cry.

Sacha Baron Cohen should randomly make a movie about Borat where he tries to make you sympathize with the character, in a gut-wrenching, soul-crushing, depressing way. Leaving his audience wondering: what the hell did I just watch? Borat's not supposed to make me cry.

Some Posts (07 05 2020)

Post 01:

Being around certain people was toxic. Once removed from the environment, the need for a mega regimen of medication is becoming less necessary.

Post 02:

I'm actually having dreams again. It's beautiful. Yesterday, I dreamt a staff member I'm attracted to at the psychosocial clubhouse was being a bully, she thought I was a freak, called me a psychopath. I tried explaining I'm not. It's just a dream, she's very nice, not mean.

Post 03:

I'm so happy with this slight reduction to my medication, I want to come down even more. I'm feeling like a human again. It's sad I wasted so much time chemically lobotomized, I'm a little angry at certain people for pushing it.

Post 04:

I met some wonderful friends last year. They're the nicest and best friends I've ever had. Hopefully, this is life long and only just beginning. I think it is. But if Coronavirus has taught us anything, life is unpredictable. I'll appreciate the good times while they're here.

Post 05:

My best friend from the psychosocial clubhouse doesn't like comic book movies, but I said we should be The Joker and Harley Quinn for Halloween this year because we're bad together. Last year, we were Spider-Man and Pikachu. We're wholesome good people, not evil super villains.

Post 06:

I'm going to compare my mental health to a cell phone battery. The months of social isolation resulting from the coronavirus depleted my charge. I was getting sick, low battery life. Socializing again has charged my battery. I feel fully charged, ready to go. Let's rock and roll.

Post 07:

I've had enough with this mega regimen of medication, this much is unnecessary in my opinion. I'm going to stop asking for permission, put my foot down, and assert myself to my doctor. I know the ones that are necessary. Being numb to life isn't.

Some Posts (07 04 2020)

Post 01:

My mother and parents aren't perfect, but they love me. They didn't wish no childhood friendships, severe mental illness, and being a dependent man-child, on me. They want the best for me. The TRUE sadistic monsters were the middle and high school bullies. It's a very sad story.

Post 02:

Should I wait for the train? I don't think I will. I'll use my teleportation powers to commute to my destination. Unfortunately, I only have a limited amount of teleports. 100 to be exact. I must not waste them. Only use it when necessary. This situation was wasteful. Ugh!

Post 03:

Is there a food more fascinating than popcorn? Probably. But I can't think of one at the moment. It's just so fascinating... and delicious!

Post 04:

I really love my friend. She's the best friend I've ever had and it feels so good.

Post 05:

I went into New York City tonight, while most people are worried about the Coronavirus... I'm worried about contracting HIV. Remind myself it's the same panic attack over and over again. First, it was the train, then the bathroom in Central Park. It's not that easy to catch, anyway.

Post 06:

In my childhood I had no friends, no girlfriends, no money, was a dependent man-child who wanted mommy to live his life for him.

Post 07:

With my doctor's permission, I slightly reduced my mood stabilizer (Lithium). My art got a mega-upgrade. Extreme emotion is great for art. Lol.

Post 08:

I love my mommy. Sadly, things have been bad lately. I need to appreciate her more. I can't seem to change, though I hope I do before it's too late. I don't want to be filled with guilt and regret.

Post 09:

I was so cruel to my mom during a doctor's appointment today. In my defense, I was delusional and thought she was the bane of my existence. She loves me unconditionally, constantly worries, and I was so mean. I feel really bad about it.

Post 10:

Sometimes I wonder if anyone's out there. The answer is yes, my friends from the psychosocial clubhouse in the real world. However, my cries on the internet aren't being read by many, if by anyone at all. It's sad how much time I wasted at home, agoraphobic, daydreaming online.

Post 11:

I want my loved ones safe and sound forever. Sadly, that's not reality. Things change, people get older.

Post 12:

I've slightly reduced Lithium with my doctor. I'm still on a mega regimen of medication. However, with this small tweak, I'm starting to feel human emotions again. Life was going by and I was numb to everything. It feels good to be real, even the sadness.

Post 13:

I just had a horrible nightmare that our Yorkie was missing and nobody was taking it seriously. I desperately wanted to find her. I was going to parks, churches, dog shelters, and hospitals. She wasn't getting found. It was so awful. Then I woke up. Thankfully it's just a dream.

Post 14:

I'm remembering my dreams. I'm feeling human emotions again. It's horrible I've been numb to life for years on a high dose of Lithium. I've wasted so much time chemically lobotomized on too much medication. Hopefully, we can reduce it even more at the next appointment.

Blood?

I noticed there was a "blood-like" substance on the fence right before my apartment. Obviously, I am worried that it was a psychopath from years ago poisoning me (with HIV) because I'm going to be rich and famous soon. My mom said it looks like rust. Don't worry and let it go.

Syd Barrett

Even if the "biological father" suspicions are a delusion. Does anyone else agree I look a lot like Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd? Even my psychopharmacologist acknowledged in an email there's a "Definite resemblance to Syd Barrett." So I'm not imagining it.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/CVkTketH9oCDb56f7

my parents love me

My mother and parents aren't perfect, but they love me. They didn't wish no childhood friendships, severe mental illness, and being a dependent man-child, on me. They want the best for me. The TRUE sadistic monsters were the middle and high school bullies. It's a very sad story.

My chains are maternal

My mother is two-faced. Her public persona is a loving mother (in front of doctors for example). In secret, she's the SADISTIC MONSTER who robbed me of my childhood and early adulthood.

She intentionally made me a dependent man-child growing up. She didn't let me have friends, girlfriends, a job. She controlled my whole life. Made me unsure of myself. Basically, she was holding me a prisoner by keeping me a child. I'm not sure why. But I'm sure she was doing it KNOWINGLY. 

I COULD HAVE DIED FROM OVER EXERCISE (from mid-2005 - 2011). She had no empathy.

When I had my girlfriend's after the hospitalizations (in 2011), it was like my mom was meeting them FOR ME. She controlled the conversations over the computer and phone. They all left me because I was like Peter Pan living the Neverland (a little boy). They wanted to date a MAN, start a family, get a place to live. It's like my mom was sabotaging my relationships, friendships, not letting me work. She wasn't letting me fly from her nest. My chains are maternal.