Some Posts About Friendship

Post 01:

There's nothing better than a good friend. I'm meeting the first real friends of my life and it feels too good to be true. But I'm very sad I went without friendship for so long, had years of absence, and lost time. It's bittersweet. I appreciate friendship more now. 

Post 02:

Betrayal from a friend is so painful. I've never been cheated on, but I had friends betray me in my childhood. It hurt so much. 

Post 03:

I was severely bullied in my childhood then I went insane. I felt like a worthless defective freak. I was isolated and had no friends. It hurt so much, so I numbed myself to life. I'm coming alive by meeting friends, the past hurts but now feels so good, it's bittersweet.

Post 04:

I often blame my mom and stepdad for my years of social isolation. I think if it wasn't for them I'd have a happier life. Actually, if I really think about it, they're allowing and encouraging me to have friends. My lack of social skills is the thing that's crippling me.

Unstable

I hope this ends peacefully and calmly because I'm very unstable. If something happens that sends me into a rage or panic... I'm scared of what I might do. 

Let's put it this way, if my "friends" were secretly bullying me for years (watching waste time) or I knew I'm going to jail, I'm very sick. I don't want to be the R. Budd Dwyer of YouTube. I want to be a Hollywood superstar. If my life is over and I have nothing left the lose...

With that said, it's a delusional internet fantasy-land, most of the "problems" I'm embellishing in my head. Let it go!

"Underage Woman"

My psychopharmacologist warned me that if you chat with an underage woman: "cops will put you away and I am not kidding. You won’t even get bail. Fifteen-year-olds can be extremely seductive and lie about their age." This frightened me, obviously. Everyone I conversed with claimed to be, or lead me to believe they were of age and an adult, but when you have conversations with people you don't know it's a receipt for disaster. If someone lied about their age... is that entrapment? Or would I go to jail? Obviously, I'm frightened of jail. I would not do well there.

I don't even like young women. I'm more suited to intelligent and mature women about my age. Sadly, I'm lonely and desperately want a girlfriend and fun. I'm in need of human contact and respond to whoever reaches out to me - as long as they claim to be a woman.

I want socialization and REAL LIFE fun. I would never talk with young women in REAL LIFE. It's easy to get lost in daydreams. I hope I haven't made a HUGE MISTAKE.

This has the potential to be a really sad story and most people wouldn't sympathize with my extreme loneliness. They'd label me a criminal and a pedophile - when that's simply not true.

Artwork (01 30 2021)

 Someday I'll Become A Winner, Then I'll Get All The Ladies (Rockstar):

Internet Is So Slow:

Man-Child:

Dr. Phil

 Dr. Phil:

I'm A Sex Addict

I have a problem. I'm a sex addict. My psychopharmacologist said that I earned a seat in Sex Addicts Anonymous. However, those people had REAL LIFE FUN. My sex addict behavior occurs in an internet fantasy-land, it's more of an internet porn addiction. Is there a better group?

 

With that said:

1) I take pornographic photos of myself and share them online for all to see.

2) I go on adult websites constantly.

3) Chat with married women seeking affairs. 

4) Chat with older sugar mommas and sugar daddies seeking a sugar baby (me) to spoil.

5) I'm 33 years old and I chat with extremely young women, some as young as 18 years old and still in High School. They all say there's legal, an adult, and of age. I constantly ask to make sure. I want to chat and want friends but this is a recipe for disaster. The last thing I need is legal problems with law enforcement. 

I know the runaway trainwreck thing is funny, at times. But this is really bad. I'm sick and I need help.

Basically, I want a girlfriend and friends. The pleasure I get is from the internet. I'm almost too freaky for Sex Addicts Anonymous. :(

My Mom Is Mentally Abusive

When I have a conversation with my mom, most of the time it's her talking nonstop and I sit there listening, I hardly ever say a word. Often she's mentally abusive. She's high emotion, high energy, tells me what a loser I am, does self-pity. Then she gaslights me and tells me I'm the one who is in the wrong. Does she honestly believe that? Is it intentional sadistic torture? Or is she delusional and doesn't realize she's mentally abusing me? She says I don't have any sympathy towards her and hate her. How could anyone sympathize with THAT?!

My Mom Makes Me Go INSANE - Service Due Now

Lately, I've been avoiding my mother in my apartment and my mental health has been great. This separation has allowed me to see that she really is the bane of my existence. Unfortunately, the "Service Due Now" light came on in my 2012 Honda Civic. I googled what that meant. It says: "oil life is soon to expire and needs to be changed." Since I'm financially dependent on her and need help with my car, I called her. I was calm, cool, and collected was telling her my car needs service. She made it out to be the most dramatic and over-the-top thing in the whole world. What should've been a 2 miniature, calm, "we'll call Honda" conversation, almost turned into an intense argument. I wanted to punch walls. She told me to just neglect and ignore the light. My mom isn't intentionally sadistic, but she makes me INSANE. I need to get far, far away from her because she's toxic for my mental health.

Sweat In An Open Cut

I have big open cuts on my hands from washing them too much. The lady who used the treadmill before me at the gym was all sweaty and she didn't wipe down the equipment. Can you contract something from sweat in an open cut? I'm having OCD contamination fears. It's a broken record.

Artwork (01 24 2021)

Help I'm Drowning In The Ocean (Death Is Coming) (Save Me):

I Shine Like The Sun And My Parents Can't See (Help):

Sometimes I Hate My Parents (Save Me) (Help):

Blood?

There's a red blob on my floor. I'm afraid it's blood from my shoes, or someone else - contamination fears. Does it look like blood or food I spilled?

Artwork (01 20 2021) - Predicate Logic

Predicate Logic:

Joe Biden's Inauguration and Nazi Germany:

Long Island serial killer:

Our Dog:

Predicate Logic Examples About My Mom

Some more predicate logic example about my mom:

My mother is a Republican and wanted Donald Trump to win the election. I said how I was watching Joe Biden's inauguration on TV, she said: "I like to pretend I don't live in this country." It triggered me into thinking she's like Adolf Hitler. She's pretending she's living in Nazi Germany. She tortured me throughout my life. She thinks she's above the U.S.A. laws. She tortured me and thinks nothing is going to happen to her. 

Then she mentioned it's her and my stepdad's anniversary. It triggered me into thinking anniversary of her abusing me. Then she said they made cards for each other that look like a child created them. I thought she was mocking me and my artwork.

Is my mom a sadistic monster, who is pretending to be a loving mother, but secretly is trying to trigger me?. Then when I get riled up she gaslights me and tells me I'm delusional? I'm dependent on her? She's making me poor my life down the drain? I have Stockholm Syndrom? Or, is this all mental illness? Does my mother love me?

A Delusional Tsunami About My Mom

The following post is delusional. My doctor tells me to "catch it, check it, change it." Unfortunately, I wasn't able to catch it and dismiss it right away. I've since come back to reality.

I'm going to share what I wrote because maybe it'll give insight into mental illness and help people.

___

(Delusional)

My mom is a sadistic monster who is pretending to be a loving mother, she deceives people like doctors and even my stepdad. The truth is she's like Hitler and she took pleasure in my suffering.

Her torture was keeping me a dependent man-child. Having power and control over me. Making me pour my life down the drain. Depriving me of friendships, girlfriends, money, and independence. She intentionally inflicted a severe mental illness. This was to punish my biological father. I was just a pawn in her sick game. 

Her loving mother image is just an act. The truth is she held me prisoner to torture me. I have no money saved in the bank. She'll even torture me in death because I'll be overwhelmed and have nothing.

___

(Now predicate logic delusions)

Today, she asked me if I've ever been to Gilgo Beach. That's the beach where the Long Island Serial Killer dumped his bodies. It was such a random beach to ask about. There are lots of beaches. Why Gilgo? Needless to say, it triggered me into a tsunami.

Then my mom said most people are good. I got predicate logic that she was referring to the Diary of Anne Frank. Even though she was living in Nazi Germany Anne Frank says: "I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart." I thought my mom was saying doctors, teachers, family, and friends knew about the abuse, but they were afraid to do anything. They didn't care I was being sadistically tortured by Hitler. It was easier to turn a blind eye and sweep it under the rug. Now I've wasted my best years and probably have cancer from years of excruciating suffering. Also, I have a public internet diary where I was sending out S.O.S.'s. Still, nobody came.

  ___ 

My doctor tells me this is not what's happening here. My mother loves me. The true villain is how my mind works. My chains are internal, not maternal. Thankfully, I'm back in clarity now.

Sensational

I made some attention-seeking comedy posts over the past few days. I'm afraid I crossed a line. They're meant to be absurd. I'm playing a sensational wrestling character. Dr. Natural says to talk like an educated intellectual, not shock sensational. It's wrong kind of attention.

Contaminated Peanut Butter

A construction worker was alone in my apartment for a lengthy period of time today. I ate peanut butter that was open, there was an oily substance in it. I'm catastrophizing he contaminated it. Though, down deep, I know he didn't. The entire world isn't full of sadistic monsters. 

Hypothetically speaking, if the construction worker did contaminate the peanut butter, it's been about 4 hours since he left. I read "the HIV virus doesn't live long once it's outside of a human body, it loses most of its ability to infect -- 90% to 99% -- within several hours." - Google

Urine HIV

There are construction workers in my apartment. They're still here right now. There was urine on my toilet seat. It's PROBABLY from me, not them. I cleaned it up then used the bathroom (the other way). If I cleaned myself and got urine in an open cut... can I get HIV this way?

Something I Don't Know

There's something I don't know that will send me into a RAGE when I find out. Right now, I don't care if I go to jail - I'll be OBSESSED with getting VENGEANCE. I guess ignorance is bliss.

Construction Workers

The construction workers will be fixing the second hole I punched in the beautiful construction work they did a short time ago. I'm afraid they resent I keep punching holes, so they want to contaminate something (like my bed or toothbrush). I also get delusions of grandeur. I think they're viewing my social media profiles. They know I'm about to become super famous. So they want to steal things (like my artwork). I need to remind myself the construction workers are doing a job and they're not psychopaths. Still, I hate it when people are in my apartment.

Brain Stem (Mom)

My mom was drawing fruit today, she said: "let me put the stem on my apple." I got predicate logic she was ACTUALLY SAYING: she tortured my brain so much it went into the brain stem. She was inflicting bad mental health my entire life. The torture may even lead to brain cancer.

Used Napkin

Yesterday at a deli, I used hand sanitizer by a trashcan before I ate. I accidentally dried my hands on a used napkin on a tray. I assumed it wasn't used because it looked crisp and new. When I realized it was a used napkin I immediately sanitized my hands. Should I be worried?

Mom

I have no credit card. I want to take acting and comedy classes - but have no money. I call my mom up asking permission. She hysterically yap, yap, yaps, then I want to punch a wall and let out my RAGE. I want to take control but feel in shackles. My mom isn't keeping me a man-child.  

The problem is I'm too enmeshed with my mother. She's not sadistic and evil. She just treats me like a 15-year-old. And that frustrates me because I'm a fully capable, able-bodied adult. I don't need mommy.

Donald Trump Banned

Donald Trump was permanently suspended from Twitter. Now he should use the wrestling forum troll strategy. Keep creating burner accounts with derivative names. Then when they discover he's a troll, they ban him, then he reappears again with a new name. Eventually, they learn his IP address, so he begins using proxies. 

I'm Very Sick

I'm very sick the past few days. I'm getting intense delusions about my parents. They come and pass. I'm doing good now. It's because of social isolation, frustration, and emotions overtaking me. I become angry, bitter, and rage-filled. It's my responsibility to master my mind. 

I'm already on a mega regimen of medication. I really don't want to increase it even more. Sadly, if I don't master my mind, medication might be the only solution. What do you think? 

I Punched A Hole In The Wall

Back in September 2020, I punched a hole in the wall after my mom was yelling at me and drove me into a rage. On January 3, 2021, I punched a hole in the wall... again.

I sent my mom some of my recent artwork (which she requested to see) - including in which I called her a two-faced sadistic monster. I let her know the delusions have passed. I found the artwork fascinating, though - making great points about mental illness.

She responded with:

"Yeah how I'm a two faced horrible mom according to my son....how the fuck could sleep.  But I won t be here soon.   Good luck

The cruelty of your illness at me is horrible.  Don t ask me I'm a fucking loser two faced piece of shit mom. that does nothing.  You are cruel however and take all your frustration at your old broken mom...you save your happy face for others....and yes you do control it.    I am not worth shit to you....do not say you love don t do it...you do not even try.  You like beating me down...I could vomit I'm so sad.  But then I'm a whining loser according to you...    thanks for the pain 

I don't want to be the focus of your abuse anymore and art hour is turning into a way to trash me.  I gave you my fucking money.   Oh my fucking gosh I am an asshole a beaten down asshole.  You care about people and respect others but trash your mom constantly.   I don t want to be abused I can t take how cruel it is."

Then I called my mom, HUGE MISTAKE:

She was yelling at me over the phone. I was passive-aggressive. Just listening to her abuse. My mom kept needling me, saying hurtful things to insight me. I was telling her to stop. I was telling her I'm becoming full of rage. She didn't care. Then I finally couldn't control myself anymore and punched a MASSIVE hole in the wall. 

It could've been much worse. I'm at my wit's end and full of rage. I'm afraid the point of no return is coming. Not to say a massive hole in the wall is nothing.

I really EXPLODED on the wall. It looks like someone full of rage went nuts and smashed a massive hole in it.

Now it's all my fault. I'm the "crazy son." She's making me pay for the repair. Whatever.

Stockholm Syndrome

I'm not delusional. It's called Stockholm Syndrome. My mother and father were running a pedophile ring and repeatedly tortured me as a child. They were gaslighting and brainwashing me into thinking it didn't happen. Members of my mother's family, father's family, his work friends, even sketchy people from the neighborhood are involved. They're like Hitler and Nazis. My mom is two-faced and PRETENDS to be a loving mother. She's duped many people throughout the years. My stepdad is a simple man who isn't aware. There are childhood friends who are involved, THAT is the true "dog sin" guilt.

My Moms Coloring (2021)

My Moms Coloring:

Fall (My Moms Coloring):

My Moms Coloring:

Lemons (My Moms Coloring):

Fruit Basket (My Moms Coloring):

Bonded Cats (My Moms Coloring):

Vaccine (My Moms Coloring):

OMG Caffeine (My Moms Coloring):

Stormy (A Storm Coming) (My Moms Painting):

Make Lemonade (Lemons) (My Moms Painting):

Sick From Coffee (My Moms Coloring):

Seasons (My Moms Coloring):

No More Snow (My Moms Coloring):

My Moms Coloring:

My Moms Coloring:

A Dream! (My Moms Coloring):

My Moms Coloring:

Delusional - UPDATE

When frustrations and emotions overtake me - I become delusional in response to what I'm feeling. My New Years Resolution is to master my mind. My parents aren't sadistic monsters. Socializing in the real world will help with the unbearable frustrations - I shall do this in 2021.

Dr. Natural said: "The Supreme Court isn't going to put your mother in prison and hand you a huge cash reward. A celebrity isn't going to rescue you. You can rescue yourself" (by working hard and mastering my mind). "Catch It - Check It - Change It. Your own mind is your nemesis."

Delusions can be comforting (celebrities know me). Others can be horrifying (my parents are sadistic monsters). Dr. Natural said: "every hour spent in that delusional world is an hour poured down the drain because your delusional beliefs don't lead you anywhere constructive."

delusional

I was overtaken by a delusional tsunami which is a result of social isolation and frustration. I'm going to leave the delusional posts public because I'm trying to give insight into how a mentally ill mind works. How I can rapidly change from they're sadistic monsters, to loving.

holocaust-like sadistic torture

Sadly it's too late to doing anything about my parent's holocaust-like sadistic torture. By being obsessed and focusing on the abuse, I'm pouring my life down the drain. What they made me live through was unimaginably inhumane. But I can't do a thing. Get independent. Get a life.

Pedophile Ring

My mom and dad were the ringleaders of a pedophile ring of sadistic monsters who tortured me in my childhood. Since then they've been gaslighting me and brainwashed me to believe it didn't happen. My stepdad isn't involved - he's just a pawn in their sick game.

Artwork (01 01 2021)

 Masochistic:

Mom:

Happy New Year (Fireman):

Predicate Logic - Crispy Pizza:

The Emotional Girl Nextdoor (Cuddly Woman):

Blood Test:

Blood Test:

Pedophile Ring:

COVID-19:

Pop Superstar Delusion:

Bottled-Up Emotions:

Jeffrey Epstein:

Raise The Invega:

Secret Admirer (The Man):

Rockstar Father (Raise The Invega):

Social Idiot (Man-Child):

Enmeshed With My Mother:

Trolling (Donald Trump):

Donald Trump Banned:

Comatose Zombie:

Nightmare:

Dr. Natural - Mother And Money:

My Friend Is Bad Ass:

BROKEN Matt Hardy:

Mom:

Brain Fog:

Masochistic:

I've Snapped:

Pain:

Please Don't Laugh At Me Attractive Young Women (I'm Not A Freak):

Masochistic (Bullies):

Dr. Natural Session - Masochistic Self-Harm:

Attention-Seeking:

Dr. Natural - Sensational:

Mom:

I Trusted A Narcissistic Sociopath, But Now I Have Real Friends:

Billion Dollar Man:

I Think Sensational Art Is My Ticket To Freedom:

Wrestling-Like Character:

Dr. Phil In 2010:

 A Wall, Trapped, Me Now, Me In The Future: