The Rock

About Dwane "The Rock" Johnson playing BROKEN Matt Hardy in my movie. He might be too cool for the role. It needs to be an actor like "Mick Foley", who had negative life experiences and isn't afraid to humiliate and embarrass himself on camera. The Rock hasn't WOKEN his mind.



Better yet,

Prior to getting released from the WWE and becoming "BROKEN Matt / Dwane", The Rock can bully and think he's superior to and cooler than another pro wrestler like "Mick Foley". In the end, he'll learn "Foley" was the only one who wishes him well when he's sick.

Money

I've been saying my mom gives me 500 dollars a month (100 dollars a week) for socialization. Actually that's the money she gives me to spend on everything, not just socialization. My mom often helps me out. But the 500 dollars goes towards food, coffee, gas, gym, MTA Subway, etc.


"I'm not living-large" is the understatement of the century.


I don't have money, it's unbelievably frustrating. The solution is stop blaming my mom for not providing it, and get a job to make money. That will not only help with independence, it will also provide socialization.

Money (And Collecting Bottles)

My mom provides me with 500 dollars a month for socialization, that's 100 dollars a week. It's not much money.

I explained in a previous post how I keyed her car in a fit of rage (which she incited and provoked). Now she says I have to pay for damages to her car.

If I don't want it to come out of my monthly 500 dollars, she says I have to put my aunts and our bottles in the bottle machine at the local Supermarket.

Sooo... I just finished putting 200 bottles in the bottle machine. It only generated roughly 10 dollars. It was disgusting and grimy. I was all slimy afterward. So now when I'm dying of Coronavirus... congratulations Mom, you taught me a lesson.

I see my Psychopharmacologist every month, I said to my mom we should skip him for two months. That'll pay for the car (since he's 300 dollars per session). We talk about the same things every appointment and don't make any changes to medication. I know he's pushing Clozaril. BUT...

Dr. Natural (my CBT Psychiatrist) feels socializing in the real world will be more effective for good mental health than any medication - and that includes Clozaril. I agree with this.

Sitting at home, socially isolated, going crazy, with no money will make anyone sick. It's like people who don't exercise and say they have "restless legs syndrome" and medicate. Maybe you wouldn't need medication if you TOOK A WALK.

But my mom's not the enemy according to Dr. Natural. I'm lucky I have that 500 dollars to spend for socialization. He has patients that don't even have enough money for food. 

It's basically my mom's money that she's providing for me. She's not to blame for the situation I'm in. I owe my mom a heartfelt apology. She's not the bane of my existence.

He said I have fury and rage, and it's increased significantly since 2016. The car is an example of this. He can see it in my emails and social media posts too.

Work is the answer to many of my problems. It'll provide independence and socialization. 

So I applied to some local photography, videography, and media production companies. And I received some replies.

I have a lot of experience taking self-portraits for YouTube and other social media. It's a bit like acting, performance art, and modeling. It's a hobby I'm passionate about and looking to turn into a career.

When it comes to weddings, events, and commercial photography I don't have much experience. But I'm willing to work hard, learn on the job, and develop a portfolio. 

About Friday and My Mom

My Mom secretly e-mailed my doctor about the events that occurred on Friday that resulted in me scraping her car with my key. My doctor replied to her, Cced me since he doesn’t want conversations behind my back, so I got to see her e-mail in the conversation history.

Her portrayal of the event is so extreme that it's absurd. She acts like I’m an out-of-control, mentally ill, lunatic with Schizoaffective disorder, and she’s a completely innocent victim.

I can't imagine how she could honestly believe that. She has to be lying.

Although she'll never take responsibility (and may even believe she's completely innocent?), she was being verbally and mentally abusive, trying to provoke and incite me. You could make the argument she even got physical with me by throwing the bag and slamming the door.

Me flying into a rage and keying her car was completely wrong. There's no excuse for it. But it was a direct result of her intense abuse. She isn't a complete victim.

I don’t know how much it takes to fix a scrape – but it sounds like she’s exaggerating the price.

Now my thoughts start to escalate: Why is she lying? Is there going to be a court case where I put my parents in jail for their extreme abuse? Is a rockstar my REAL biological father? Is my mom trying to create an alibi and false narrative about me? This is raw emotion over-taking me, and fantasy getting out of control.

Lazy?

Years ago, a doctor told me I’m "lazy" and that's why I'm in this situation. I disagree!

When I want something I become intense and put an ENORMOUS amount of hard work into it.

Years ago: Running. (From mid/late 2005 - 2011)

Present-day: Internet art, acting, comedy, photography, videography, exercise.

The reason I don't look for work is I don't want to work as a Starbucks Barista, Restaurant Waiter, or a Supermarket Cashier. Have you seen my videos?! I should be hosting late-night comedy shows! But I need money - I should look view that as an incentive while I pursue dreams.

My “BROKEN Matt Hardy” Movie Idea - UPDATE 01

Full script:
https://cellwaters.blogspot.com/p/theres-huge-superhero-movie-obsession.html?spref=tw

____

No offense to Matt Hardy but if this was turned into a big-budget Hollywood movie they should get real actors to play the roles. I can't think of anyone better than Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to play "Broken Matt", and possibly Dave Bautista for "Brother Nero" - with name changes.

___
In the WWE, "Matt Hardy" (played by The Rock) can be called: "Marcus Cor Von", and "Jeff Hardy" (played by Batista): "Monty Cor Von." The Cor Von's are their WWE stage names.

In real life, their names are Mark Brown and Deon Brown - they're called The BROKEN Brown's on the Indy scene because WWE owns the Copywrite.

___
We could make (Matt Hardy / Mark Brown) becoming BROKEN related to unprotected chair shots to the head, using the head as a wrestling weapon (headbutts), resulting in countless concussions.

However, that might be a bad idea for a comedy movie. Maybe it should be lighthearted.

My "BROKEN Matt Hardy" Movie Idea

I’d love to write a “Broken” Matt Hardy comedy movie – because it practically writes itself.

(Remember this is fiction)

Matt Hardy is an arrogant, young wrestling star. A member of a popular Tag Team The Hardy BoyZ with his brother Jeff, and girlfriend Lita. Eventually, Matt wins the WWE Championship. Matt begins to get a God complex - thinks he's too good to take photographs with fans, spits at fans, thinks he's superior to everyone.

But Matt Hardy begins to have a psychotic break and nervous breakdown after…

His fiancée (Lita) cheats on him with his best friend (Edge).

Fans think he’s an obsolete nostalgia act. He gets fired from the WWE for being too old.

He’s arrested for stealing Green Beans from the Supermarket.

Then he snaps, and becomes a “BROKEN” man.

Begin comedy:

Jeff Hardy's still having success in the WWE, but Matt sabotages his career, DELETES poor Brother Nero - by releasing their text message conversations to the public, where Jeff Hardy is overly critical of Vince McMahon in a comedic way. Jeff is now BROKEN as well.

WWE no longer wants to be associated with The Hardy BoyZ. They remove all mentions from them off the website.

Despite that, Matt Hardy has a lot of money from working with the WWE and lives in a spooky mansion, and BROTHER Nero lives with him too (insert House Hardy Halloween episode here).

___

Matt decides to quit professional wrestling. And get a job at a supermarket (mocking "The Wrestler" movie with Mickey Rourke).

He works in the produce department – with 16-year-olds, he’s 45 years old (it's humiliating and degrading).

He hates his job, hates his life.

Then he has his psychotic break at work (becomes “COMPLETELY BROKEN” - his BROKENESS EVOLVES).

He starts saying crazy things to the customers like: “Mrs. Robinson, I see you’re here with your son Benjamin. Care to try our Alaskan caught green beans?”… the customers will leave the store disgusted.

He stops caring about the job (kind of like Office Space). Stares at the green beans all day long (fascinated by them), he’ll get in customers way.

BROTHER Nero won't even know why Matt's working there in the first place since he's a millionaire from his time with the WWE.

It takes way longer than it should… but ultimately he’s fired from the Supermarket. So he decides to get back into pro wrestling.

___

Brother Nero. (will bring him to a psychiatrist for his CONDITION).

The first doctor will be a complete quack. Giving horrible advice, like: “medications are our futuristic dystopian societies way of controlling our minds.” Instead, he’ll suggest a natural cure of eating green beans. 

Matt will leave and say, “Brother Nero, I really like my doctor.”

“Green Beans… yeeeeeees!”

Brother Nero will be like… what the heck just happened?! (confused)

___

Even after he’s fired, Matt Hardy keeps going back into the Supermarket he used to work at to admire the green beans. They’ll keep having to call security.

___

At the next appointment, Brother Nero becomes angry, saying the green beans aren’t working to the psychiatrist.

Matt Hardy has a phobia soda, he can’t even look at a can of soda without freaking out. Matt begins shaking, sweating, and acting weird because the doctor has cola on the doctor's desk… The doctor notices this and says, THAT’S the problem. He says, “Matt need Shock Therapy… he needs to SHOCK his body by drinking soda.” (unaware that’s exposure therapy)

Matt will take a sip of soda acting like it’s the most difficult thing in the world. Needless to say, that won’t fix Matt.

___

After a bad experience in therapy, Jeff no longer thinks there’s anything wrong with Matt. So they stop seeing the doctor. 

They decide to get back into pro wrestling, become the greatest tag team in space and time. Jeff acquires the CONDITION too. 

They go from Indy promotion to Indy promotion-winning Tag Team gold.

The promoters realize there is something seriously wrong with The Hardy BoyZ, but also realize they're huge stars, tremendously bigger than everyone else on their card - so they decide to book them anyway. 

____

I want to have a Shower Scene.

Matt will be completely naked and will sing a song about deletion (his catch phrase, what he did to Brother Nero). Brother Nero will be in the bathroom WITH him, singing, and using the toilet. They'll be like teenagers.

He doesn’t have to look good, the singing doesn’t have to be good… It’s just to make people laugh, and say: “what the heck am I watching?”

I guarantee that’ll be the scene everyone remembers!

The “Broken” Matt Hardy gimmick makes everyone smile, because no matter how screwed up your life is, it’ll never be more screwed up than Broken Matt’s.

Broken Matt talking about “DELETING” Brother Nero is almost incestuous.

___

All the Indy promoters will start to think The BROKEN Hardy's are weird. But they'll be making them A LOT of money. Like seeing a carnival freak show.

Behind the Hardy’s back, they’ll say: I have no idea what goes on in that family. But they're making us a lot of money - like a carnival freak show - so give them the title match. Haha.

(wanting to get publicity for their promotion)

___

Similiar to training with “Jumping” Joe Frazier (the kangaroo).

Matt Hardy will tell Brother Nero he needs to aimlessly walk the streets of East New York (Brooklyn) by himself at 1 am… UNTIL the miracle happens.

Nero says, “but what if I die?”

Matt says, “but what if you fly?”

After an hour of walking, a middle-aged white guy will come up to Brother Nero (the complete opposite of who’d really be mugging him). The robber will say: “excuse me, sir! Please give me all your money” (in a nerdy white guy voice).

Nero refuses, so the robber pulls out a gun and opens fire. Fortunately, white guys have no aim. Nero dodges his shots matrix style. Then he climbs atop a dumpster and does the Swanton Bomb to the robber.

A bunch of African American kids wearing hoodies will applaud, thanking Jeff for stopping the “evil white man”.

Matt will teleport and say, “that was WONDERFUL!”

Matt will ask, “what did you learn Brother Nero?”

Like a robot, Nero says, “white males are ALWAYS to blame!”

Matt will say, “yeeeees, it’s a miracle!… We’re ready for our match.” And they’ll teleport to House Hardy.

This will probably be cut from the movie, and get me kicked off the project. But I stand behind my art. Haha!

___

I think it would be funny if Jeff Hardy / BROTHER Nero is clearly gay and Matt's completely oblivious.

Matt will desperately want to find a Queen for House Hardy.

He’ll constantly ask Nero, “when are you going to get a lady friend too?”

When they meet a man on the street pretending to be a “Queen” – Nero will get all defensive, saying: there’s nothing wrong with this!

Matt will say, “you’re not a real Queen. yeeeees.” Completely clueless, he'll ask if he's going to Comic-Con

___

So he and Brother Nero will wander into Burger King and will meet “Queen” Rebecca (a cashier). She’ll ask if they want a burger and fries. And Matt will be unaware it’s not a real kingdom and will beg the “queen” to marry him.

He’ll say: “the queen treating me to her fine cuisine, yeeeees”.

Rebecca will think he’s nuts but will accept Matt Hardy’s marriage proposal since he’s a huge wrestling star. He’s rich and famous, and she’s working at Burger King. Using him for his money. Lol.

Eventually, Rebecca will acquire the CONDITION too, and will no longer think Matt’s crazy. She’ll just think he’s motivated.

We can have a character who’s Brother Nero’s “special friend” (his boyfriend), but he likes Matt more.

Perhaps we can get Gregory Shane Helms or EC3 to play the role?

EC3 is a little too obsessed with Matt. And Matt’s oblivious – thinking Jeff's friend is WONDERFUL!

I’m basing this on Denny from “The Room” AND myself.

EC3 will passionately say questionable things like, “Matt, I just want to kiss you.” And Matt will cluelessly say, “if we all kissed each other the world would be a better place.” (Like Johnny from The Room)

Matt Hardy will HATE modern pop stars like Zayn Malik, Taylor Swift, and Justin Beiber. He’ll say: “What do they know about hard times?! They’ve never been in ladder matches at Wrestlemania.”

Instead, he wants to be Brian Wilson (from The Beach Boys).

Everyone will tell Matt, “you can’t get lamer than Brian Wilson. It's a 1960's surfing band and they weren't even cool in the 60's.”

But Matt relates to him and will say: “he’s a genius like me. Yeeeeees.”

Matt will like young and creative Brian Wilson, not the shell of his former self Brian Wilson.

They’ll catch Matt talking to himself, angrily saying: “I hate Mike Love, Mike Love is evil. He ruined Smile!” (Something that no one cares about in the year 2020).

Matt will try to get Brother Nero to rename The Hardy Boyz to “The Swell Boys”. With EC3 as a member, who Matt calls: “Al Jardine”.

Brother Nero will say, “No, we’re not calling ourselves The Swell Boys”.

___

Matt Hardy goes back to the supermarket to admire the green beans, Smiling, psychotically laughing, saying: “these green beans are WONDERFUL!” “yeeeeeeeees!” But a customer wants it for Thanksgiving Green Bean Casorle. The customer doesn't tell him to move. He just paces back and forth until he gets the hint, but Matt never does. 5 hours later, Matt has to use the restroom, the customer quickly grabs the green beans and runs. And the scene ends.

___

After using the restroom, Matt comes back to produce, sees tomatoes and starts doing: “delete, delete, delete”… They must fade away and be classified as a fruit.

Then you’ll hear, “security to the produce section immediately”.

Matt will say to the officers, “Brother Nero and I were admiring your MARVELOUS green beans, when we discovered these tomatoes are classified incorrectly”

I’ll get tazed and thrown next to the dumpster outback.

There Matt and Jeff make a new friend named “Homeless Mike”, who claims to have teleportation powers too. WONDERFUL!

___

On the way home from the Supermarket, Matt gets pulled over by a police officer for driving under the speed limit. One look at Matt, the officer is convinced he's under the influence. Matt explains he's sober and just WOKE his mind. The officer apologizes and lets him go after he realizes Matt's doing nothing illegal - he's just crazy.

___

Ordinary life situations would make funny BROKEN segments.

Matt on a job interview.

Matt at a primary care physician.

___

The main villain is a serial killer - Senor Benjamin - that Matt hires to tend to the pig farm at the Hardy Compound. Senor Benjamin will say psychotic things, and Matt will be oblivious, lost in his own little world. Liking Benjamin's “philosophical lingo”.

Again, Jeff Hardy / Brother Nero will be a homosexual, but Matt Hardy can't grasp that.

Benjamin will bring sketchy women to House Hardy, they’ll keep disappearing, never to be seen again. The killer will say to Matt, “This is my lady friend”. Matt will say, “Yeeees! I remember those days. Brother Nero, you should get a lady friend too.” (completely clueless to everything).

The camera will show pigs eating in a creepy/comedic way.

Brother Nero will know this guy’s dangerous. But doesn’t know how to get him to leave House Hardy.

At the end of the movie, there’s a police investigation, media frenzy.

Stupidity leads to “Broken” Matt saving the day and taking down the serial killer who's been working at House Hardy - like Mr. Magoo.

Matt will be a national hero and the WWE will capitalize on all this media publicity, by hiring back The Hardy BoyZ, and giving them a WrestleMania match against Bray Wyatt and The Wyatt Family (Senor Benjamin-like character), and having the Hardy's win in the MAIN EVENT.

It's a bit like Borat, meets Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, meets Mr. Magoo, meets professional wrestling.

And they’ll play the Bruce Springsteen song “The Wrestler” in the credits.

Superhero Movie - The Villain

https://cellwaters.blogspot.com/p/superhero-movie.html 

I just brainstormed some ideas for the Superhero movie - The Villain:

In a Taylor Swift social media post (when she signed with Universal Records), she was dressed like an eccentric artist, holding a cat, surrounded by music executives in suits. She looked like a James Bond supervillain, but only more comedic like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers. An eccentric man-child, surrounded by her peons, signing the important document to rule the world.

Actually, if you think about it, it's a bit like Donald Trump too. An eccentric manchild, who is in control of an evil corporation, then controls the world.

I heard Mark Zuckerberg (the Facebook guy) makes staff blow-dry his armpits before interviews because he sweats profusely.

"Dry my armpits" sounds like something a comic book supervillain would say. Doesn't Jake Gyllenhaal's Mysterio say "iron my cape" to the peons working for him in Spider-Man: Far From Home? And "iron my cape" is a significantly better thing to say than "dry my armpits".

Mark Zuckerberg

I heard Mark Zuckerberg makes staff blow-dry his armpits before interviews because he sweats profusely.

"Dry my armpits" sounds like something a comic book super villain would say. Doesn't Jake Gyllenhaal's Mysterio say "iron my cape" to the peons working for him? And "iron my cape" is significantly better to say.

"outside the box" art

Many people don't like "outside the box" art and presentations. In a high school computer class, I did a project that was very original, had a funny story, but the teacher refused to acknowledge it as the best project in the class because it didn't fit the "what's expected" mold.

Present-day, there're people who are critical of my performance art and screenplay. They don't like something that's shocking, original and unique. It ruffles their feathers. They want plain, safe and what's expected.

Fortunately, MOST PEOPLE seem to like it. So THANK YOU FANS!

alone in my head

Does anyone else's Schizoaffective disorder make them feel alone in their head?

There's a cheesy pop song "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" by, The Beach Boys. In a way, it summarises my situation. I feel very advanced but people can't see my worth. I'm told it's "grandiose delusions" - I don't think it is. I'm creating something TREMENDOUS!

For the past three years, I was socially alienated, disabled (not working), home all day with parents - posting art in a fantasyland online. I've become so messed up from it, I've metaphorically turned into an alien.

My parents don't understand me. They think I'm a disabled loser, a financial drain on the household. They love me but think I'll be disabled my whole life.

I had childhood friends I'd infrequently see for dinner at sports restaurants, but they don't understand me either. We'd hang out for an hour or two and my social life revolved around them. I didn't relate - we have different interests and hobbies. I felt they were seeing me out of pity. However, if I was sick in the hospital they'd probably visit me. We like each other and wish each other well.

I'm even misunderstood by my doctors.

I used to have a psychologist who wasn't equipped to be my doctor, he just wasn't qualified enough for my case. I could sense he didn't think I'd amount to anything. He just gave me insincere lip service.

My psychopharmacologist joked I'm "Syd Barrett incarnate" as I entered his office this past weekend. While I've had delusions he's my biological father, so it's not a completely inappropriate thing to say. It hurt my feelings. I'm so much more than that loser. Not only am I a significantly more talented artist, but Syd's a drug addict. I don't drink, smoke, or use drugs. For all intents and purposes, I've always been a responsible "good boy" when it comes to substances. I take care of my mental health with prescription medication. I'm an inspirational and positive role model - far from reckless.

I want more and feel unsatisfied - GREAT CHANGE! Perhaps my biggest mistake is remaining dependent on my parents because they're getting older, and leading me to devastation when they can no longer take care of me. I need to take charge of my life, show the world my worth - unfortunately my parents like having power and control. Being around them is torturous, so I stay in a fantasyland. And they won't "teach me", they just do for me. Is this just an excuse to be treated like a manchild?

Satan Nightmare

I don't know if believing in God is a delusion or not.

But a few nights ago while sleeping, I had a powerful dream - but it was also very real and could feel it. It was half dream / half religious experience.

I was dreaming about wild sex, being unfaithful, having experiences with lots of women. Then all of a sudden I felt intense evil charging me. I could feel air on my neck. I woke up from the nightmare. IT WAS REAL.

I believe this was Satan tempting me to give in to women, and maybe use upcoming power to be a bully. Like Bill Clinton / Monica Lewinsky or Donald Trump / Stormy Daniels.

I'm afraid I gave into Satan during my dream.

As I lay awake in bed, I felt God protecting and warning me. Telling me I haven't... Yet. God was saying it's a sin, be faithful, and go to church.

I have no doubt God and Satan were both trying to talk to me.

Thankfully, I woke up and feel like I'm with God again.

I'm afraid Satan will try and do something soon.

OR - is this a nightmare and God isn't real?

Psychosocial Clubhouse Coffee Shop

I go to a Psychosocial Clubhouse in NYC, which is a bit like a recovery group for severe mental illness. I often go to a coffee shop down the block with a friend.

This week, we had privacy in a room while we were drinking our coffee. 

One of my biggest fantasies/delusions is Hollywood wants to make a movie based on my internet art and life.

So while we were sitting there, a man who looked like Jake Gyllenhaal walked into the room and sat down. My friend said he looked nothing like Jake Gyllenhaal. But in my mind, he became the Hollywood superstar. I thought he was there, undercover, scouting me for a movie.

I also think the Barista who makes the coffee looks like Taylor Swift. Again, my friend says she looks nothing like Taylor Swift. But she transforms into the Pop superstar in my mind.

My imagination makes me believe I'm in a coffee shop full of undercover celebrities. When in reality, I'm there with regular people and my friend.

It is fantasy and daydreams becoming reality.

In real life

In real life, I'm relaxed, well-behaved, and likable. A police officer gave me a ticket yesterday, I was upset, but polite and respectful. Today, my doctor joked I'm the nicest and least annoying patient of the day. Contrary to what social media fans may think, I'm not a lunatic.


I suppose it'd be funny for a movie if I was like BROKEN Matt Hardy or Borat in these situations. But the Cell Waters narrative is untrue. I'm very normal and ordinary.

Big Balls

Some people like the narrative that I'm a coward. In my childhood, I had big balls. If my mom didn't give me enough money for McDonald's, I had no problem going up to strangers asking for money. Or taking mischievous risks. Sadly, in my adolescent years I got bullied, lost my way.


It's time to stop being passive and remember who I am. I don't need to be afraid of my own shadow anymore because I'm Mr. What It Is, and the bullies are What It Ain't.

Yoga

A friend bought me a yoga membership for beginners. So I'm doing yoga for the first time tonight. If I didn't have anxiety and panic attacks, I'd love it and probably still will.

But I rarely get out of the house and have suffered from mental illness for years. I'm afraid everyone will see me as a damaged freak and view me in a critical way. I laughed with my doctor about the yoga studio full of bullies narrative since it's absurd. It's not unrealistic to think there may be a judgemental person or two, but not EVERYONE.

If I don't panic like a deer caught in headlights the entire time, it'll be nice and people will be more into their exercise anyway.

I'm 32 years old and I should've been living life. Instead, middle and high school bullies resulted in social isolation and living in a fantasyland.

Throughout the years, there were so many yoga-like opportunities I should've done. Sadly, I wasted my life afraid.

Thankfully since my friend bought this membership for me, I must go. I'll try behaving confident, and not like a socially anxious freak. 

I'm getting butterflies already. I'm trying to tell myself I have a cold, but I'm fine. I'll just go and enjoy myself.

It's in a little over an hour.

UPDATE:
I just completed Ashtanga Yoga for the first time. It was a positive experience.

A good workout that was great for the body and mind. My arms, legs, and abdomen are sore (in a good way).

I was quickly learning the poses through repetition. 

Nice people. No bullies.

There were about 7 or 8 people in the class. I was the only guy. That's a good thing. However, attractive women often give me internal panic and I have difficulty focusing and concentrating on the instructor. How do I get over this? This seems like a High School and College problem I should've outgrown by now.

I have 6 more sessions. I will do more yoga soon.

My dad triggers negative mental health

I usually hate Facebook quotes, but my mom posted an interesting one. It said, "if someone acts like they don't care, believe them."

I have a very disappointing relationship with my dad, and I'm certain he doesn't care about me.

I call him every single day - he rarely calls me. I'm always the one initiating contact. I feel like if I didn't call him, there'd be no relationship. We talk briefly, and that's it.

I usually see him once a week for a few hours on Saturday. We take a short walk and get a cheap lunch. We don't talk about anything significant - usually rock music, professional wrestling, and Marvel movies. He's not interested in my life, he keeps his life secretive. Aside from our short time together, his life is a mystery to me.

Today we were having a discussion about The Incredible Hulk. I believe this conversation had a double meaning.

We said how Universal owns the distribution rights to the character, but Disney (Marvel) owns the production rights. Meaning, Marvel can use the character but can't make a Hulk movie.

He points at my cell phone which is on the table. Said Disney and Mark Ruffalo probably get off saying, "this isn't a planet hulk movie, it's planet Jeff Goldblum and Thor" when Universal objects.  I took it as a metaphor for my internet art. He'll say, "no, no, no... it's not Planet Hulk" if Universal tries to sue (play dumb). But he knows.

Then when he gave the child support check to say goodbye, he pointed at the envelope and said it says "boys" on it. Meaning, it's not meant for just me.

Then my imagination began to run wild. Why is my dad this way? I start to think, is it because I'm the biological son of Billy Joel? Which he's keeping a secret. Meaning, I'm just a pawn in his sick game. (Delusion, obviously)

Basically, my dad triggers negative mental health every time I see him. I get angry, my emotions overtake me like a tsunami, then I get lost in fantasy. I believe he does it intentionally too.

Then the emotions start to reach the next level if I don't "catch it, check it, change it." I'll become afraid he poisoned my food, is trying to murder me. (Delusion)

The reality is, I have a disappointing father and the pain is raw. He's a jerk who bullies me, and I shouldn't get lost in daydreams. My dad is either incapable or unwilling to be a father. Sadly, I just have to accept it.

Should I stop seeing him? I'm making very little money on disability, and he provides a little bit. And sometimes we can have fun and laugh. It's not a "black and white" issue.

Thankfully, this post is calming me down.

UPDATE:

I feel guilty ending the relationship with my father, I almost feel like I need to call him in the morning. My mom pressures me into having a superficial relationship for financial reasons. I'm starting to meet friends who genuinely love me. Down deep I know I should stop talking to my dad.

UPDATE (02 03 2020):

I called my dad yet again this morning, it was an innocent conversation at first. We talked about the Super Bowl and Donald Trump. I said how he congratulated the Kansas City Chiefs and said they were from "Kansas City, Kansas". Obviously, they’re from Missouri. He quickly took it down but people have screenshots.

As embarrassing as that mistake is. I said: at least he writes his own tweets and they’re real. In past presidency's you felt like they were press releases coming from lawyers. Why bother following those accounts?

He said the Democrats look for every little mistake, wait, and watch - while he tweets like a fool and buffoon.

Basically, I started to feel this had a double-meaning. Maybe there’s going to be a legal battle between my father and me? Maybe he’s sitting, watching, looking for mistakes?

My dad knows what he’s doing, he’s a bully that gets off triggering me. I should just make my own money and stop talking to him.