Contamination Risk? HIV?

I'm a 34-year-old male, From Long Island, NY. 5'8 - 180 lbs.

I struggle with severe mental health challenges, have OCD, germophobia. I ask questions like this all the time like a broken record, but today's episode was especially bad.

I went through the pharmacy drive-thru to pick up my medication and I accidentally scratched my finger on the door that receives the medication. Seriously. I cut my finger. Everybody touches it. It's unpleasant. Let It go. HIV is very improbable. Just clean it when I get home.

I guess it's possible an HIV-positive person just scratched themselves right before I scratched myself there too, but the chances are very slim. People get cuts from gross places. Try not to worry. Don't obsess. Don't let it ruin my day. Let It go.

Is there any contamination risk here?

What Is Fact? (11 29 2021)

Post 01:

My dad sends me superhero click-bait articles constantly. I don't mind he sends them, but it's fans speculating to get views to their website. We could start writing articles based on things we read, it'd be just as credible. It's ok if he has fun reading it, but not legitimate.

Post 02:

When I explained to my dad he sends click-bait almost everyday, he got sad. There's nothing to be sad about. Should I educate him to not read dirt sheets and accept it as fact? Or should I let him blissfully have fun reading his superhero articles and pretend I enjoy them too?

Post 03:

What is fact? What is reality? A sketchy click-bait website can make up stories for their website. I think most people comprehend that's nonsense. But when the "credible" media does it, it's taken as "fact." People can nefariously try rewriting history and reality. What's truth?

Post 04:

Most people are intellectually lazy. They'll take a paragraph they read on social media and accept it as fact. This "fact" might be lies, defamation being spread to ruin an innocent person. Most people don't care. They don't do the research. They believe a random post online.

Post 05:

Hypothetically speaking, if the U.S.A., big tech, and the media began conspiring to silence and defame somebody... You could have Mr. Innocent, the son of God on trial... They could portray the poster child for purity and innocence as "Satan" and there'd be nothing they could do.

Post 06:

Sometimes to portray somebody innocent as "Satan" in the media is a more sensational news story. It's more profitable. The lies and narrative are set. The intellectually lazy repeat the lies that are being spread. It could even be a conspiracy from the top to sabotage a person.

Post 07:

Take innocent pro wrestling for example. If I went to a house show, watched a dark match, and told all the dirt sheets an up-and-coming wrestler used an unusual ring name, then they all report it as fact. Eventually, Wikipedia will report the made-up name as fact too. It's a lie!

Some Posts (11/27/2021 and 11/28/2021)

November 27, 2021:

Post 01:

The psychiatric medications minimize problematic symptoms. I hope to make progress with Dr. Natural and come off them someday in a natural way, but to do it ALL AT ONCE could lead to a hospitalization.

Do you think I need them? I still get delusional smolderings. So, yes?

Post 02:

I had contaminated gym hands, then was touching open cuts on my body, openings into my body (like the mouth and more sensitive areas), without washing my hands, while preparing for a shower. There I go again. Remember I keep having this same broken record again, and again. Relax!

Post 03:

My turkey cold cuts were completely mashed up. It's not slices of turkey. It look like ground turkey. Very weird. At first I was worried about contamination. Then was told it's "shaved turkey breast." I'm 34-years-old, this is the first time I'm ever getting my cold cuts shaved.

Post 04:

I took the cap off the Ovaltine, opened the seal above the powder with my teeth, peeled it off with my mouth, then made myself a drink. You wouldn't worry about contamination, right? I shouldn't have opened the packaging with my teeth, but I'm ok. There's no HIV on the seal.

Post 05:

I'm about to become a successful comedy, movie, sitcom star. Then I got an email from Amtrak and it made me feel guilty. My mother worked really hard with me when I was in college, was pushing me to work at the post office, mailman, Amtrak - and I was a failure until now.

November 28, 2021:

Post 01:

What is the "schizoaffective disorder" diagnosis anyway? It's just a label. I was solitary, coming unglued, and ferociously exercising, having a nervous breakdown in 2011. With socialization and low stress, I don't think I need medication. I've made tons of progress since then.

Post 02:

I agree that medication minimizes negative symptoms, but trauma, the environment you're living in, can certainly be responsible for the need of medication in the first place. Which is why it's important I get independent as soon as possible. When I'm in control I'm healthier.

Post 03:

My mother asked me if I want to walk outside. I said: "It's cold outside. I'll go to the gym instead."

She said: "Ok i like cold...:-)"

I got predicate logic she intentionally didn't intervene in my years of exercise self-sabotage and torture, was trying to kill my happiness.

Post 04:

My mother said she likes walking in the cold. It's not a metaphor, her taunting me, revealing how she got sadistic pleasure from watching me torture myself and pour my life down the drain. There I go again. I'm getting delusional. My mother really loves me. She's not a monster.

Post 05:

Hypothetically speaking, if my delusions are true, my parents are two-faced, were watching me sabotage myself, sat back, and got pleasure from it happening... There's going to be no: Me vs. My Parents supreme court case where I try to put them in jail for torturing me. Let it go.

Post 06:

I'm 34-years-old. I need to stop blaming my mom for all my problems and frustrations. Even if she is responsible for my mental illness, which she's not, I'm told to blame the school bullies and God instead of mommy, at this point it's my responsibility to make my life happy.

Post 07:

At the gym today, my sneaker came untied TWICE. The same one. Left foot.

First off, I'm touching the disgusting ground where everybody walks to tie my shoe. CONTAMINATION FEARS.

Secondly, it interrupted the flow of my workout TWICE. SO ANNOYING.

But I successfully completed it.

Some Posts (11 26 2021)

Post 01:

Tonight, I went to the gym when it was very crowded. I used the restroom which was packed. I washed my hands. Dried them with a blower. Then used the urinal. Afterwards, I noticed dampness, wetness on me in a sensitive area. Is this a contamination risk? Let it go. It's water.

Post 02:

I have a lot of problems... I'm very frustrated, have been deprived of socialization for what feels like my whole life. I don't like being dependent on my parents. But to sum it up, it's that I want to cuddle with and be around a woman constantly.

Post 03:

All Hallmark Christmas movies are the same. There's a struggling woman in need, her life is at rock bottom... Then her millionaire savior dream man comes along, takes all her problems away with money during the Christmas season, and they learn meaning of love. They're so corny.

Post 04:

I've suffered tremendously, but this sad story is going to end like a feel-good Hallmark movie. Unrealistic, absurd, funny. It literally happens for nobody else besides me. I'm 1 in a million. When I mention my millionaire savior is coming, my psychiatrist tells me I'm delusional.

Post 05:

After the gym, then after my shower at home, when I was clean, I looked in the mirror and saw acne on my nose was bleeding. The hot water must've opened it up. Or maybe I scratched it? Anytime I see myself bleeding, WORST CASE SCENARIO HIV CONTAMINATION FEARS CREEP IN. I'm fine!

Black Friday

Black Friday:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/ysAX5BaEEfrQAh796

Some Posts (11/24/2021 and 11/25/2021)

November 24, 2021:

Post 01:

I was listening to the song Cheap Thrills by Sia at the gym. She says how she doesn't need money to have fun. It's a fun concept for a dumb pop song. Poor people can feel good at the club. The reality is in the U.S.A. you NEED money to survive. Sia's song made her lots of money.

Post 02:

I should play Cheap Thrills by Sia to a homeless man. Tell him, "you don't need dollar bills to have fun tonight." Just go to the club. "Feel the beat." And have a good time.

November 25, 2021:

Post 01:

Happy Thanksgiving. The U.S.A. has it's problems, but thank God us Americans weren't born in North Korea. Like Pink Floyd, you can't be a rebellious rule-bender in North Korea. The lunatic can't be on the grass. Being there would be like the unlucky lottery.

Post 02:

My Thanksgiving was actually very nice. Spent it with family. A nice relaxing day with yummy food.

My mind is usually raw and on fire. Today was relaxing. Good for mental health. My mind was moistened with pleasure.

Post 03:

Everything doesn't have to be INTENSITY, CRAZINESS, and CHAOS. It's ok to relax and calm down. Take a deep breath and let out the stress. Everything's ok.

Post 04:

I've been sitting in the living room with my parents ALL DAY LONG for HOURS. The socialization and human interaction is so much nicer than the months, maybe years, of SOLITARY CONFINEMENT. My mind feels nice. Life is good right now. Being with people is great for mental health.

Post 05:

Life was CHAOS. I went INSANE. Don't be high energy. Don't ferociously seek dramatic change. Calm down. Relax.

Thanksgiving was very nice. I wish every day could be nice and peaceful like today. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore.

Everything is going to be ok.

Post 06:

My dad posted a satirical cartoon about Thanksgiving that said: "Happy we stole your land and murdered you Day." I got predicate logic it had double meaning, was a message directed at my stepdad. Although he never got violent with us, he certainly didn't want to be a family man.

Post 07:

There I go again. It was a Thanksgiving cartoon about Pilgrims and Native Americans - not my dad sending a message to my stepdad. Divorce is hard on families. Nobody is a sadistic monster who intentionally wanted my life to turn my life into this nightmare.

Post 08:

Since the divorce then getting bullied in middle school, my life has been a nightmare up to this point. It's going to get better soon. The best is yet to come. Soon I'm going to enjoy life for the first time in my life. I can just sense the upcoming happiness. Wishful thinking?!

Thanksgiving (11 25 2021)

Thanksgiving (11 25 2021):

https://photos.app.goo.gl/iKUvJuTbq9CKfH3Z9

Donald Trump

There's no way Trump is not trolling with this photo. He's with Kyle Rittenhouse and has a photo of Kim Jong-un in the background.

He's trying to get the Democrats to react and have a meltdown...

Don't take the bait, report the trolls to the mods, and have them get suspended.

Fountain House Gallery, Made Money, W-9 Form

I sold artwork at the Fountain House Gallery for the Small Works show.  

1) “Trapped” (2021), sold for $100

2) “The Yorkie” (2021), sold for $60

3) “Satan” (2020), sold for $100

4) “Light” (2021), sold for $75

5) “Fear” (2021), sold for $100

6) “Carrot Man” (2020), sold for $45

It totals: $480

But the gallery takes out a percentage.

They sold out almost immediately - so I was going to sell TWO MORE drawings for $100 each.

Fountain House wrote this in the community agenda: 

"Sold a work? Have you filled out a W-9? All artists who have sold works must fill out a W-9 in order to be paid. If you’ve done this in the past, no need to fill it out again."

At first, I was worried about filing taxes because I've never worked full time, haven't worked part-time since 2010, and selling this artwork is like employment.

I asked my mom if I should fill out the w-9, she said:

"Say.  This art is a hobby if you file a w9.  I will loose my Medicaid .....tell her if thats the case you ll give money back its a hobby not a job.  If she sends in w9.  They will stop benefits.  You are not a business"

...But then I'd lose the 480 dollars I made selling artwork. That's like throwing half my monthly disability money in the trash. Plus I've been working very hard on it for YEARS. 

My mom said: "Andrew....FH did not explain this clearly.  Anyone on medicaid, which u are can NOT work or be in business or risk loosing prescription coverage. Medicaid seconday insurance,  and snap.......people only on medicare(only) can make 1310.00 a month without loosing medicare benefit or medicare insurance those people must NOT have medic as id too.   There are ways to apply around it but paperwork and discussion medicaid councilor needs to happen to be sure we follow rules...we ll figure out way to get you paid ok...."

My friend who is on Medicaid said, "I don't see why you can't earn any money w your benefits when everyone else can. Your payout will be under $360. That's not a lot."

Some Posts (11/23/2021 and 11/24/2021)

November 23, 2021:

Post 01:

Something that's probably not known about me, I repeatedly check under my bed, in my closet, and in the bathroom for bad guys before going to bed. I'm afraid they're hiding and will "get me" when I sleep... Yes, I do this every night at my current age - 34-years-old.

November 24, 2021:

Post 01:

My mother triggers intense delusions. I think it's because of the hostile dependency and being treated like a child.

I'll avoid her for weeks - and my mental health will be incredible.

Then I'll do artwork with her for an hour - afterwards I'll get sick.

Post 02:

My family is having a Thanksgiving celebration tomorrow, but I'll probably celebrate alone and run away from them because they trigger intense delusions when I'm around them. I was asked what's worse: solitary confinement? Or being around my parents? I'm healthier solitary.

Post 03:

I was bullied at school. Had no socialization in my teenage years, 20s, early 30s. My home was like an insane asylum. It got me sick. I was treated like a child. Nobody respected me. I was alone in my head. Living in a Fantasyland. No wonder I'm like "Mr. Bean meets The Joker."

Post 04:

I was listening to the song Cheap Thrills by Sia at the gym. She says how she doesn't need money to have fun. It's a fun concept for a dumb pop song. Poor people can feel good at the club. The reality is in the U.S.A. you NEED money to survive. Sia's song made her lots of money.

Post 05:

I was in an expensive, millionaires clothing shop over the weekend. How you dress and look definitely makes an impression on people, but also who you are does too. You can dress up a talentless moron - they'll still be a talentless moron. A genius could wear rags - still a genius.

Post 06:

Money is a man-made concept. So why are there billionaires who have more money than God, while there's poverty, suffering, and world hunger? Anybody who doesn't think the 1% needs to be taxed SIGNIFICANTLY isn't paying close enough attention to the injustices of modern society.

Post 07:

I'm a 34 year old disabled adult child with less than $2,000 in my name, BUT I'm a genius that's more intelligent and talented than most millionaires and billionaires. I should be rich and famous. Unfortunately, I was dealt a bad hand in life, born in the wrong environment.

I'll Remain On Cabergoline

I'm on an overdose of Cabergoline (2 mg weekly), which my psychopharmacologist wrote a letter of medical necessity for because Invega significantly raises prolactin and Cabergoline was helping with the adverse side effects of the Invega.

The Cabergoline successfully lowered my prolactin, got it in the normal range, and the side effects were better. I tried slightly reducing Cabergoline from 2mg weekly to 1.5mg weekly because I was afraid it was dangerous. I've been on it for about ten years now, and I'm afraid it might kill me.

Since the reduction, the adverse side effects are starting to get bad again. My prolactin is likely getting high. So I'm going to remain at 2mg weekly. Sadly, I need it. Hopefully, sooner rather than later I can come off both the Cabergoline and Invega.

Artwork (11 23 2021)

Contamination Fears (11 23 2021):

HIV (11 23 2021):

Help, Frustration (11 23 2021):

Mr. Comedy Rockstar (My Moms Coloring) (11 23 2021)

Mr. Comedy Rockstar (My Moms Coloring) (11 23 2021):

Andrew (11 23 2021)

Andrew (11 23 2021):

Mom's Paintings

Mom's Paintings:

Some Posts (11/22/2021 and 11/23/2021)

Post 01:

Seth Rollins (a WWE wrestler) was attacked by a fan. He's ok, but was bleeding. Does he have to go on Isentress and Truvada for a month? That would suck.

Post 02:

Realistically speaking, who in their right mind would jump the barricade, to be caught on camera red-handed attacking Seth Rollins? What was that guys goal? And why SETH ROLLINS of all people? He's just some wrestler.

Post 03:

People really suck. You could be living life peacefully, then get blindsided and attacked by some criminal. It's scary. I want to be safe and sound. I wish I could isolate myself from everybody. It's like Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) during The Wall.

Post 04:

Without going into too much detail, I have this cut/sore that stings. I touched the sore with hands that were in Starbucks, touched my shoes, and I'm afraid of contamination... Let it go. I'll have a life very soon, even if I get contaminated she'll still love and adore me.

Post 05:

Time flies. Bullying can cause you to hide from the scary world, you can lose lots of time pouring your life down the drain, but time doesn't care if you're sick, you'll still get older.

I have to play a game of catchup with my peers, something tells me I'll come back STRONG!

Post 06:

Be innovative even if simple minds can't understand what you're doing. They said: "he's crazy, delusional." While they're partially right, I believed in myself. You're looking at a future millionaire artist and movie star. If I listened to the doubters, it wouldn't have happened.

Stand-Up Comedy

This is my Stand-Up Comedy Performance from last week (11 17 2021)

____

I was contacted by a comedian and Producer at Broadway and Greenwich Village Comedy Clubs.

He asked me if I'd like to be on one of his Bringer Showcase Shows in NYC.

I'd love to perform there because I'm really enjoying performing comedy to an audience.

The man said, "I need to bring 6 paying guests. Possibly Saturday, December 18th 5:30 pm Greenwich Village Comedy Club (but there are other dates). They have to be Vaccinated.

I get 7 minutes on stage. Mix in Pros and Producers.

Every show is filmed for $20 if you want to be filmed."

Oh yes, I'd be getting it filmed. ;)

I'll have to get back to him, but I'm interested. I hear Broadway, NYC, comedy, and it sounds great. Is this a real opportunity to further me? Or is he trying to make money for his club? Not worth the trip?

I'll reach out and try to get six people.

Some Posts (11 21 2021)

Post 01:

My YouTube account actually got a content removal warning for my COVID vaccine video. It said I was spreading medical misinformation. It was meant to be a sarcastic, absurd comedy... So I submitted an appeal.

It's actually pro-vaccine.

Post 02:

Kyle Rittenhouse was found NOT GUILTY. I actually felt so bad for him. He's just a kid. Clearly self-defense. When he got the verdict he started crying. Now he'll sue everyone for defamation. He'll be traumatized for life, but at least he can get therapy with his lawsuit money.

Post 03:

I was going to make a video about how Kyle Rittenhouse can now cry in therapy about how Joe Biden and the media defaming him gives him horrifying nightmares because he thought his life was over.

After getting content removal warnings, now I won't touch that with a ten-foot pole.

Post 04:

There was a condom behind my car where the trash cans usually are. My mother said it was probably mine and raccoons open the garbage. But I haven't used one in weeks. My mother said she's noticed it weeks ago. She didn't want to tell me. I'm worried about a psychopath hurting me.

Post 05:

I'm worried a psychopath was reading my social media posts, knows one of my biggest fears is HIV. So he took an HIV infected condom smeared it on my car door handle then littered it by my car to murder me. There I go again. It's probably raccoons. Don't give the psychopaths ideas.

Post 06:

A lot of people are intellectually lazy. If the media tells them somebody is the enemy, they start silencing opposing viewpoints, eventually it's going to be the popular opinion even if the popular opinion is defamation. It's almost propaganda and no free speech unless you agree.

Post 07:

I was watching the news at the gym, they were showing horrifying news stories, like the Kyle Rittenhouse trial and somebody contaminating coffee at Starbucks with hepatitis A... Then they took a break from the seriousness and talked about Olivia Rodrigo at the award show. Surreal.

Post 08:

The news might as well have said, all hell is breaking loose in the world, we're doomed as a society... But here's a shiny distraction, teeny bopper Olivia Rodrigo singing and dancing for our amusement. Don't pay attention to the crisis and seriousness. Enjoy pop music instead.

Post 09:

If the media wanted to label me as Mr. Bean meets The Joker, began slandering me on network news calling me a crazy buffoon. Anybody who spoke up saying: "Andrew is intelligent and makes good points", their accounts get suspended. The defamation becomes everybody's opinion of me.

Some Posts (11 20 2021)

Post 01:

This morning at Starbucks the barista dropped a coffee cup by the garbage, picked it up, threw it out, then made my drink without washing her hands. She was touching my lid, her hand got in my coffee. It was very gross, but I decided to drink it. Is this a contamination risk?

Post 02:

Grandma and Grandpa used to say with their Great depression mentality, if food is gross, "kiss it up to God" then eat it. God will clean it and protect you. I'm not saying I believe in magical thinking, but I shouldn't worry so much about food and drink being HIV contaminated.

Post 03:

I'm going into NYC today. To be honest, I hate going into NYC, especially now since it's so dangerous. But my BFF lives there and we have fun. It's just so dirty and unsafe.

I've had the most fun of my life with her, going outside comfort zone... But in a way, want to stay home.

Post 04:

I hate being in dangerous situations, so I avoid everything, even safe situations. My BFF is pushing me, helping me get outside my comfort zone, I'm having the most fun of my life with her... But I have bad anxiety and want safety. I don't want to take risks, it stresses me out.

Post 05:

I often say in therapy that I don't think about childhood bullying anymore. I've moved on. Dr. Natural thinks I do constantly, it's just disguised as other things - like my fear of the real world.

It's twenty years ago, but still affects me, even though I don't realize it.

Post 06:

I learned to want to be alone. Safe and sound. Hiding from bullying. Protected at home with mommy... But I was frustrated by the solitude, pouring my life down the drain. Living in a fantasy land. I still have anxiety and want to avoid the real world.

Post 07:

I walked by my bed wearing my city shoes before leaving for NYC. I Lysol disinfected them a week ago, which was the last time I wore them...

But I walk barefoot by my bed at night. Might've slightly stepped on my blanket. Let it go. HIV would be dead by now. It's ok. No danger.

Post 08:

Ahhhhh. I just dropped my phone on the ground in the aisle on the LIRR where EVERYBODY walks. I need to touch it, use it for my ticket, I'm so traumatized over this. It's unpleasant, but nothing to worry about. I feel sick my stomach worrying about HIV contamination. HELP!!!!

Post 09:

Remind myself, even if I get HIV, which I won't... I'll still have a life, friends, a loving wife. People are living normal lives with HIV. The solitude I fear came true, it's only going to get better from here. Touching the ground where everybody walks is unpleasant, but I'm ok.

Post 10:

I'm worried about dropping my phone in the LIRR aisle where everybody walks then I played on my phone all commute long. City shoes on bed sheets is ancient history. The latest incident replaces the previous one. It's all anxiety and OCD. Relax. Have a great day.

LATER THAT DAY:

Post 01:

I've come down on meds and feel happier. Just had a fun day with friends. I keep making progress. I do have OCD, anxiety, contamination fears that are crippling me. But this day with friends made me feel happy.

Post 02:

Dropped my smart phone in the aisle on the railroad where everybody walks, touched the ground, touched "contaminated" phone. A long day with friends calmed me down. The horror is fading away.

It's no HIV risk, right. Unpleasant. But clean the phone when I get home, I'll live.

Post 03:

My mom said, even if I licked the aisle in the middle of the train, I still wouldn't get HIV. She was trying to calm me down about dropping my phone there and then playing on it all trip long... But is she right?

Post 04:

When somebody says, "your risk of contracting HIV this way is VERY low." I'm thinking to myself: so you're saying there's a chance? I almost want to hear a lie - that it's IMPOSSIBLE.

Comedy

I'll be doing my jokes for a second time on December 1st in front of an audience. If you saw the show this week, it's the same material. You can buy tickets if you'd like to see me perform. Hope you see you there.

Some Posts (11 19 2021)

Post 01:

When I was in the bathroom at the gym, after washing my hands then I used the hand dryer. It's an intense dryer and water blew into my eye. Is this a contamination risk? Even if it was somebody else's fluids - you can't get HIV this way. Right?

Post 02:

The hand dryer at the gym that blew water into my eye was a heavy blow one. Lots of places have them. It's probably water from my hands, but the dryer was hanging over a wet counter. Could've been somebody else's body fluids that blew in my eye. There I go again. I'm fine. Relax!

Post 03:

I think my delusions are true. My parents really are criminals.

My dad mentioned "fire" today, I'm afraid he's going to destroy my artwork so I can't make money from them.

Or do my parents love me?

Post 04:

I need to remind myself that I'm getting delusional about my parents. They did not get sadistic pleasure from torturing me, ruining my life, while creating the facade they're loving parents for the public.

Now I'm filled with HATE from getting abused and I look like a criminal.

Post 05:

I've come down on my psychiatric medications, not off of them entirely YET. Working towards that. Coming down on meds has given me more energy, I feel unstoppable. For example, I completed an hour at the gym with EASE!

Post 06:

Cabergoline is for the adverse side effects. Invega raises prolactin significantly. So it was prescribed to lower prolactin which helps with sexual function. I got a letter of medical necessity to take double the recommended max dose. I've been taking it for about ten years.

I googled: "what is the long-term damage for taking cabergoline?" It's not good. And this is for the recommended max dose - 1 mg weekly. I've been taking double the recommended max dose, 2mg weekly for about ten years. I trusted my doctor, now I'm afraid this is going to kill me.

Post 07:

There's no conspiracy. My parents aren't torturers. My psychopharmacologist wasn't aware but medicated anyway. The mega regimen of meds was prescribed to help me, keep me healthy, not to kill me. Remember my doctor is on my side. He's not a criminal, neither are my parents.

Limp Bizkit

There's absurdity that The Swell BoyZ love Limp Bizkit, are fascinated they played video games with Fred Durst like it's a brush with greatness, yet won't come to my comedy show and don't care about any of my social media posts. News flash: Limp Bizkit sucks. I'll be more famous.

Limp Bizkit, Fred Durst (11 19 2021)

Limp Bizkit, Fred Durst (11 19 2021):

Baseball Bat (My Dads Coloring) (11 19 2021)

Baseball Bat (My Dads Coloring) (11 19 2021):

Some Posts (11/16/2021 - 11/19/2021)

November 16, 2021:

Post 01:

My hands are raw and cracked from washing them too much. I'll going to use a mic everybody touches and uses for comedy. Would you worry about contamination? Or, go, have fun. It's all good!

November 17, 2021:

Post 01:

Rumor: If Mysterio is still alive, really the bogus Dr. Strange, dupes Peter again, then responsible for MJ (Zendaya) dying - he's gonna have nuclear heat.

Nuclear heat is a pro wrestling term when everybody hates the character. You can't get any more hateable.

Post 02:

Tom Holland said this new movie isn't "feel good" like the previous two. Bad things happen to characters you love. It's going to be dark. All hell will break loose.

In the end, Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield will come through the portal in the nick of time to fight villains.

Post 03:

When I go viral... Rather than praying for God to save me. I'll pray for Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield to come through the multiverse portal. "PLEASE SAVE ME SPIDER-MAN!!!!" Lol.

Post 04:

At the restaurant, there was toilet paper in the bowl. I tried flushing. It wouldn't flush. So I used it anyway. Now I'm worried about splash back and contamination fears. Let it go and rock and roll at comedy.

November 18, 2021:

Post 01:

My hands are extremely irritated from washing too much. Is that like an open cut? I was touching lots of stuff, shaking lots of hands during comedy last night - contamination risk? I really need moisturizer for my hands and to not wash them so much.

Post 02:

The Mysterio character is meant to be charming, a sociopath, that's how he is able to fool Peter Parker... I agree the character can be likable, but I have a feeling that may change in the new movie, and everybody will hate him.

Plus I liked Jake Gyllenhaal in the role.

Post 03:

To the people who are wondering about my stand-up comedy performance last night, while I made a lot of mistakes when it came to my scripted lines, I would improv and tear down the fourth wall. Overall, it went well. It wasn't the "studio version" of my act. It was a live concert.

Post 04:

About my comedy performance, it was recorded and I will be posting it, it'll probably take a week or two to get from the teacher, though.

Post 05:

I'm afraid the mega regimen of psychiatric medication and the meds for the adverse side effects, I've been taking for about ten years, have damaged my body and is going to kill me.

Post 06:

I don't mind if my parents pick up my medication. I'm lazy. It saves me a trip. But they don't let me know when they do. I want them to send a quick text saying "got your meds."

It's becoming a routine, going to pharmacy and they say my meds were picked up. I look like a fool.

Post 07:

Socialization seemed warmer, happier, magical years ago... Lately, everything feels so dead.

Post 08:

I've been ferociously trying to end this nightmare for years now. I was hoping to go viral on social media. It never happened. I wasted so much time. I'm so talented and brilliant. I should be successful.

Post 09:

I became very mentally ill. Who is to blame for this nightmare? Is it my parents? The bullies? Me? It didn't have to get this bad. There needed to be an intervention years ago. It never happened. Now I'm so damaged. I don't fit in anywhere, don't relate to people. SAVE ME!

Post 10:

People don't realize how different I used to be. Tragedy and trauma changed me for the worse. The peers I used to relate to have been living life, while I was suffering, pouring my life down the drain in hell. We don't relate anymore. We grew apart.

Post 11:

I'm worried taking an overdose of cabergolone for ten years is going to kill me.

I have been having heart problems. Got it checked. Discovered bicuspid aortic valve. But it's ok.

Also, I struggle to breathe. I breathe heavily while lying still in bed. Lung damage?

November 19, 2021:

Post 01:

Elon Musk is one of the richest men in the world. The amount of money he has is incomprehensible. These billionaires can end world hunger, poverty, suffering... But when Beanie Sanders says they need to be taxed, Musk said: "Bernie is a taker, not a maker." Is he for real?

Post 02:

Sometimes people in positions of power get warped, become delusional, think they're correct, even if they're not. But I don't see how a billionaire can justify in their mind having that amount of wealth, while there's homelessness, people starving. They must know they're evil.

Post 03:

I have less than 2,000 dollars in assets, am a disabled adult child, ranting on social media. If these billionaires wanted me to disappear, I'm completely powerless. Thankfully, I'm a joke. They probably laugh at me, not view me as an individual who'll bring great change.

Post 04:

When I do become super-rich and famous, everyone will portray me as a buffoon, like Mr. Bean, BROKEN Matt Hardy, The Joker. Billionaires will make the media ruin my credibility. They're not worried about a Schizoaffective adult child with no money taking their money and power.

Medication

I'm afraid the mega regimen of psychiatric medication and the meds for the adverse side effects, I've been taking for about ten years, have damaged my body and is going to kill me.

Cabergoline overdose

I've been taking an overdose of Cabergoline for about 10 years now because of the Invega. We wrote a letter of medical necessity. 2 mg weekly.

While it's helped lower prolactin and sexual function.

I googled, "what're the long-term effects of being on an overdose?"

I read:

Cabergoline can cause heart and lung problems, particularly in people who need to take it over a long period of time. In order for your doctor to check for this, you may need to have an ECG, lung function tests, blood tests and an X-ray from time to time if you are taking cabergoline long-term.

Also, cancer?

And this is people who take the max dose, 1 mg.

Comedy (11 17 2021)

Comedy (11 17 2021):

https://photos.app.goo.gl/SbMMsch4t6eBwkxg6

Some Posts (11/14/2021 - 11/16/2021)

November 14, 2021:

Post 01:

An example of predicate logic: Taylor Swift posted "oh no my bestie is a bad bitch" about her friend Selena. Delusion: She knows of me. It's really a message directed at me.

My BFF and I call each other besties. Delusion: She's secretly having me be around HIV-positive people.

Post 02:

The reality is Taylor Swift doesn't know who I am and she's not giving me messages through her social media profile.

Secondly, my BFF isn't secretly having me be around HIV-positive people.

There I go again. Fantasy and daydreams became out of control. It's just a TikTok video.

Post 03:

Holidays are not the same anymore. I barely celebrate them. It's just another day except everything is closed.

I'm trapped in pointless, solitary confinement, fantasyland universe. Somebody help me!

Post 04:

I hope I FINALLY get to enjoy my life before I'm dead. I lost so much time, what were supposed to be my best years. I'm afraid time is running out for me and I'm dying. All evidence is I'm healthy, though. Nobody is going to arrive and transform my life. I need to do it myself!

November 15, 2021:

Post 01:

Sometimes people are reckless risk-takers for so long, the risks keep increasing, and increasing, and increasing. When the "accident" happens, what happened was so over-the-top, most people ignore the risks that didn't end in tragedy, but they could've many times before.

Post 02:

I'm in solitary confinement and need help. I'm left alone to dig my own grave. Rather than save myself, I keep digging, and digging, and digging.

Hopefully, there's some truth to my delusions. These people are nice, they'll save me, and make me successful... NOT crucify me.

November 16, 2021:

Post 01:

I was unsure if I had to file taxes because I earned money from selling artwork. According to my stepdad, I don't have to. He joked with me how I'm not going to be making Hunter Biden money from selling artwork. He has NO IDEA how much this artwork is going to be worth soon.

Post 02:

I feel gifted, too advanced, brilliant. I'm synced differently than most of society. Most people aren't on my level and it makes me feel guilty. Take my parents, I love them, but they're simple. They're not a SUPER GENIUS like me. I often feel alone in "another world." It sucks.

Post 03:

I try to relate and talk to people, but I'm functioning on a higher cosmic level. Aside from my BFF that I met at the psychosocial clubhouse, I don't have anybody I really communicate with. Even if I tried, I just feel too advanced, too different, it's very frustrating.

Post 04:

In real life, I hate when people "read my mind", getting stripped emotionally naked, so I wear a mask to hide and have bad anxiety.

Online, I reveal almost everything. It's very strange.

Post 05:

I popped a zit last night. This morning I went to the gym. I used the bathroom, then while walking on the treadmill, I accidently scratched it, it MAY HAVE reopened. Is this a contamination risk? Obviously I'm worried about HIV then solitude forever. Let it go. I'm fine. Right?

Post 06:

I'm listening to Limp Bizkit at the gym. I love how trash their act is, but it's so shocking and subversive, and annoyed all the boomers. Haha.

People have had enough with this WOKE nonsense, the evidence is: "Limp Bizkit" winning the 2016 presidential election. #OrangeManBad

Instead of dark, horrible, World War 2 history movie, having "Limp Bizkit" become the president's of the U.S.A., then an absurd comedy begins makes the same point, only nobody leaves the theater feeling bad, unless we want "Fred Durst" to turn into THE ORANGE MAN (super villain)!

Mall (11 14 2021)

Papi Butterfly (11 14 2021):

Butterfly (11 14 2021):

Papi JOY (11 14 2021):

Christmas Tree (11 14 2021):

Papi - Selection Of Reflection (11 14 2021):

Selection Of Reflection (11 14 2021):

Some Posts (11/13/2021 and 11/14/2021)

November 13, 2021:

Post 01:

A pimple popped and started bleeding after my shower. Open, bloody cut which I touched with city hands. Is this an HIV risk?

I really did start to bleed and touched it with my hands. Just let it go. HIV would be dead. It doesn't live outside the body.

Post 02:

Maybe I need to go to an OCD support group. Talk with people who can help. These contamination fears are a real nightmare. They're ruining my life. I need a sponsor. Somebody with a similar issue that we can talk about the absurdity with. Talking to my mom about it is unhealthy.

November 14, 2021:

Post 01:

Now my mom and stepdad want to come to my comedy show, but they want to wait outside until I come on stage to come inside. I told them: just stay home. Comedy requires complete focus and no distractions. If I'm worried about them I can't perform. I'm already getting anxious.

Post 02:

I've been working hard on these jokes for months, I'd like my mom and stepdad to see me shine. They didn't want to be inside the comedy club for health reasons - and that's fine. But if they're going to wait outside, then make a big raucous when I come out, just stay home.

Post 03:

It's like my mother wants my comedy show to be about her. She has to make the grand entrance. It would make me so anxious too. I need to be confident, completely focused on my act on the big day. If she won't watch the whole show, it's best she doesn't come.

Post 04:

I need to completely concentrate on my standup comedy act, have nothing else in my mind. I can't be worried about: "is my mother ok?" I wanted my mother to be proud. Have her witness me shining. But she isn't helping, she's making it about her, which will ruin my confidence.

Post 05:

My mother didn't want to come to my comedy show. But I let her know how hurtful that was, it's like she doesn't care about my success or accomplishments. So now she's coming but has all these conditions. She'll make a scene, which will distract me, and mess up my act. STAY HOME!

Post 06:

Yesterday, acne popped and really started to bleed. I touched it with gross NYC hands. Is this a contamination or HIV risk? Let it go. I'm never going to get HIV. I'm not reckless. It's an OCD broken record that tortures me.

Post 07:

My psychopharmacologist, who is the best in the business and a research doctor, replied to my text about my mega regimen of meds giving me cancer, saying:

"It's the other way round Andrew. Inflammation from untreated disorder switches off tumor surveillance check it outbreak"

Basically, my psychopharmacologist is saying research suggests the psychiatric medications PREVENT cancer. When you're sick with mental illness, your body is inflamed, and THAT is how you get cancer.

I'm a little skeptical, though. Antipsychotics seem so unnatural, like a toxin.

Post 08:

How you dress and look is very important. If you look like a slob, people are going to treat you like a slob. How should I dress for my comedy performance Wednesday? I'm thinking about wearing a nice pair of blue jeans and a sweater, to look handsome, wholesome, but also casual.

Post 09:

I'd often say: "nobody cares about me" when it came to friends. Now I see, I REALLY wanted my parents to take a genuine interest in me, to compliment me when I succeeded. Instead, they scold me like I'm the bane of their existence and make everything about themselves. Accept it!

Throwback Photograph (07 16 2010)

Throwback Photograph: 

July 16, 2010

Throwback Photographs (11 28 2013 - Thanksgiving)

Throwback Photographs: 

November 28, 2013 (Thanksgiving)

Some Posts (11/12/2021 and 11/13/2021)

November 12, 2021:

Post 01:

My mother picks on me intentionally, abuses my while I'm passive, it's like a game to her, to get me riled up. Then she pretends she's not bullying me, blames me for everything. Aside from her, I'm making such progress in my life. It's best to avoid her at all costs.

Post 02:

My mother has confessed she's a control freak. Likes to control my life. Why would she want the worst for me? Why doesn't she let me fly free? Why does she want me prisoner, to control, and abuse? She's not happy about my progress, doesn't want me successful. It's crazy.

November 13, 2021:

Post 01:

I don't think anybody truly wants to be crucified then "die." I want success and to create a Hollywood movie, but there's a side to my personality that's masochistic. I hate my life so much and want to be destroyed. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone. They'll suspend me on social media.

Post 02:

I hate when rich people shame and virtue signal people who didn't have their privileged upbringing. They act like they have words of wisdom. If they were born to the parents of poor people, they might have a doomed existence, and wouldn't be so pretentious and act superior.

Post 03:

It's easy to laugh at, shame, and villainize people living in poverty who act out. Oftentimes, they make poor decisions because of their traumatic life.

Then there are the children of wealth and privilege. The rich rarely suffer, shame and virtue signal their bad decisions.

Post 04:

Although I often get the delusion a millionaire is my biological father. It's like a Cinderella story, getting saved from my nightmare of a life. This would've never happened if I was truly the son of Vince McMahon or Billy Joel. I probably wouldn't have even become mentally ill.

Post 05:

The wealthy probably look down on me, think they're superior, but they are disgusting phonies. I would rather be trash, filth, a low class, wildman rockstar. At least that's real, relatable, likable. Who genuinely likes somebody who's pretentious and thinks they're superior?

Post 06:

I ate a dessert in New York City without sanitizing my hands. So my hands were contaminated from subway, train, shaking hands, all over NYC. I said, whatever, then ate the sweet with gross hands. Is this a contamination risk?

Post 07:

Like grandma and grandpa used to say with their great depression mentality, if you drop something on the ground, kiss it up to God, then eat the gross food. Yes, my hands were gross from the city, kiss the sweet up to God, don't worry, and eat it.

Post 08:

I stepped on this gigantic napkin-like object in the train where everybody walks. Let it go. It didn't go through my shoe. I'm ok.

Post 09:

I met somebody new in the mental health community today. I was daydreaming it was Seth Rollins from the WWE, but also didn't think it was Seth Rollins. It's called double bookkeeping.

If I did meet Seth Rollins, he wouldn't be undercover, he'd introduce himself as SETH ROLLINS!

Post 10:

I'm starting to sell and give away my artwork to people who want it. I wanted to hold onto it to get it published in a book or art gallery, but I must let go of my work. Let them fly freely all over the place.

Post 11:

I made it home safely from New York City, but when I got home it was cold and windy. I disinfected my shoes with Lysol outdoors and leaned down to do it. The wind blew the Lysol that touched the shoes into my eye. Could Lysol mix with shoes from NYC give you HIV or contamination?

Post 12:

I have a real problem with contamination fears. When I'm anxious and out in public, it feels like I'm extremely vulnerable to HIV contamination. It boils down to feeling extremely unsafe. Sometimes it's even placed by bully. I'm afraid HIV would mean having no friends forever.

Post 13:

I want to relax. Get independent from my parents financially. Settle down with my soulmate woman. Stop going into dangerous neighborhoods. No contamination risks. No danger from bullies. Just calm, safe and sound, peaceful. I feel so chaotic and unsafe - in mental hell. Help!

Post 14:

My fear of the real world made me hide at home, pouring my life down the drain. I don't think people realize how much time I wasted, solitary, distanced from the world, in a fantasyland. Thanks to people in the mental health community, I'm making progress living in the real world.

Some Posts (11/11/2021 and 11/12/2021)

November 11, 2021:

Post 01:

Time is running out for everyone, but I'm afraid it's going to happen soon for me due to being on so much medication for so long, while experiencing poor mental health (which is worse than smoking), with a horrible diet. I feel like I had no fun. It's gonna be over soon.

Post 02:

Let's have some real fun before it's too late.

November 12, 2021:

Post 01:

I want to say to my mom: can you tell me how proud you are of me for selling artwork and doing comedy? My accomplishments. Instead she scolds me like I'm a mischievous little boy. When I bring this up, she screams at me and plays the victim. It's best to avoid her and say nothing.

Post 02:

I'm passive while my mother is verbally abusive to me. If I even hint at how I feel, she's even more nasty in ferocious and abusive. I just internalize to avoid an issue at the home. But lately I can't take her screaming. I'm a brilliant young man. I don't deserve to take this.

Post 03:

If I don't want to take my mother's abuse, then I need to find a way to get independent. Because unfortunately while I'm living in her house with no money, it's her way or the highway. I'm trying really hard with my social media posts to become rags to riches instantaneously.

Post 04:

Being disabled and dependent on abusive parents is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

I'm hoping to make money from selling artwork and comedy soon and will get independent. Right now, I have no money, sadly. So I have to take their torture.

Post 05:

First off, when I fight with my mother, it's me passive listening to her abuse me. She's nasty, vicious, while I say nothing. Then occasionally if I don't react, she puts words in my mouth that I did not say and yells at me for something I NEVER SAID. It's insane.

Post 06:

I'm getting worked up again because my mother was abusive to me and I just internalized. Don't become delusional. Is my mother just insane? Or is she a criminal preparing for a supreme court case trying to cover up her intentional torture of me?

Post 07:

It's like my mom is playing mind games with me. After screaming at me while I was not reacting to her, she accused me of saying something I NEVER SAID. Of course I got defensive, it's like she's making it up. She's abusive and I have to take her crap because I have no money.

Post 08:

Somebody save me from being dependent on my sadistic persecutor - my mother.

Make me rich and famous. Grant my daydream about paradise.

I'm being tortured by my mother. Right now my life is like a 34 year nightmare I can not wake up from. Save me from SATAN! HELP ME!

Post 09:

I don't want any hostility, screaming, fight. I just want to be left alone. And my mother keeps screaming, and screaming at me, trying to rile me up, trying to get me to react. Sometimes there's literally no escape from her torture. It's no wonder why I became so mentally ill.

Post 10:

Since nobody wants to listen to me about how I'M GETTING ABUSED BY MY MOTHER. I rant it into a void on social media. Hopefully, it gets turned into something positive, like the novel "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" by, Joanne Greenberg. Riches, fame, a Hollywood movie.

Post 11:

Believe it or not, in real life I'm in complete control of my emotions. People ask my why I don't get riled up or care when somebody is nasty to me. It's because my mother is extremely aggressive, I learned to hide from the chaos, away from the screaming and hostility.

Post 12:

My psychopharmacologist said: "you were in and out of hospital when I met you, do you remember?" I hate when people act like I have bad memory. Actually, it's great. Even if my mother didn't INTENTIONALLY torture me, hostile dependency was definitely responsible for some illness.

Post 13:

I've been taking a mega regimen of psychiatric medication for a decade now, I still am... But I discovered they significantly increase risk for cancer which frightened me. I want to be healthy physically and to live as long as possible. I don't want cancer very soon.

Some Posts (11/09/2021 - 11/11/2021)

November 9, 2021:

Post 01:

At the gym, a kid was using the mop in the bathroom then rinsed his hands while I was using the sink next to him. Water splattered while he was rinsing. I'm afraid the mop, his hands, were all contaminated. There I go again. Same broken record. It's not how you get HIV. Let it go.

Post 02:

Letting out my HIV, OCD, contamination fears to people like my mother, eases the anxiety and obsessing. Then I'm able to move on, until the same broken record repeats again, but just with a different scenario. It's a fear of being contaminated and having no friends forever.

Post 03:

Sometimes I'm unable to see the irony of my posts until after. Yesterday, I expressed how I'm reluctant to hang out with some people in the mental health community who have severe mental illnesses because I'm afraid of them.

People have left parties because they're afraid of ME.

Post 04:

Although I have schizoaffective disorder, I'm the nicest person you'd ever meet. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately, it's like I'm wearing the damaged scarlet letter. Some "normal" people see me and become horrified. They don't want to be around me because they're afraid.

Post 05:

At a party, I overheard a woman I'm unfamiliar with, who just arrived, saying she wanted to leave because she was disturbed by me. Then overheard my "friend" reassuring her I'm no threat because he can "knock me out with one punch." She left almost immediately after arriving.

November 10, 2021:

Post 01:

I have a weird problem while performing, sometimes somebody or something will distract me, then I'll lose concentration or focus. It can be somebody watching my performance from audience or something weird I focus on. If this happens, don't think about it, tune it out, and FOCUS.

Post 02:

At comedy last night, I was performing PERFECTLY, then I noticed a woman was looking at me. All I could focus on was her looking at me. She's very nice and wasn't heckling me, but I found it distracting, then my act fell apart. On my big day next week, FOCUS ON THE PERFORMANCE!

Post 03:

I now see why hecklers can be so distracting to stand-up comics. Comedy requires a lot of concentration and focus. You need to think in order to perform. If you're focused on someone or something in the audience, instead of your act, you can't deliver the lines correctly.

November 11, 2021:

Post 01:

I don't have a supportive family. They're neglectful, let me do anything I want, and don't care. Take comedy for example, I've been working hard for months. The show means a lot to me. I want family to support me. But they come up with every excuse in the book not to come.

Post 02:

My mother doesn't want to be bothered with me, pretends I don't exist, treats me like a child, looks at me like I'm the bane of her existence. I suffered for years as a "loser." She doesn't care about my recent success. She simply doesn't care about me. I can't make her care.

Post 03:

Even if my parents did bully me intentionally, it wasn't a crime what they did. There's going to be no supreme court case. I'm not going to put my parents in jail. The delusions that they're torturers is like a metaphor. The pain and suffering I lived through feels like torture.

Post 04:

There were many times my parents SHOULD'VE had an intervention for me. For example, when I was running marathons every single day for about five years while starving myself. Why were they willfully blind to that? I could have died. They only did something once I became delusional.

Post 05:

I think my internet posts are going to ultimately turn into something positive. THANK GOD! But I needed an intervention from my parents. They pretend to be unaware, willfully blind, while I was pouring my life down the drain, deprived of a life, posting online for years.

Post 06:

I often blame my mother, say she was keeping me as a child intentionally to torture me. Depriving me of friendships, girlfriends, money, independence, emasculating me, torturing me. This is what it felt like. But it's just a metaphor. My mother isn't a sadistic torturer criminal.

Post 07:

I'm getting riled up about my parents, am so emotionally charged, now I'm starting to get delusions they sadistically tortured me for my entire life, sabotaging me, trying to murder me. Secretly infecting me with HIV. There I go again. I have parent issues, but it's a metaphor.

Post 08:

I couldn't assert myself to my parents, was forced to remain a passive, emasculated adult child in his thirties. Remember this wasn't intentional torture. Intent is the key word.

Lately, I am so fed up. I'm going to change my life for the better. I'll become rich and famous.

Post 09:

Then the fantasy, daydreams, internalized rage at my parents evolve even more. I imagine: "why did my parents sadistically torture me?" Remember it's delusional, it wasn't INTENTIONAL... "Was it because a millionaire or billionaire is my REAL biological father? I'm just a pawn."