SADISTIC Mother

My mother is an abusive narcissist, a monster behind the mask, a pharmacological abuser - she was trying to fry my brain with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications. She was trying to give me cancer. She was a sadistic torturer. Frankly, it's obvious. It's clear as day.

If I don't like living at home with my abusive mother who is secretly getting pleasure from my suffering - no one is forcing me to live here. Unfortunately, my executive functioning isn't high. I'm in a hostile dependent relationship where I'm getting abused by my sadistic mother.

What's worse being financially dependent and told I'm a loser by my sadistic mother? Or being homeless? Or being in the psychiatric hospital? Being in a hostile dependent relationship with my mother where she abuses me is probably the best case scenario at the moment.

Even though my mother is getting pleasure from my suffering and was trying to kill me while creating the facade she was trying to help me... Living at her house in solitude is better than being homeless. It's better than the psychiatric hospital. It's still hell on earth.

Catch it, check it, change it. I had a verbal fight with my mother today. She's being an abusive monster TODAY. But I guarantee tomorrow, or soon, I'll see her with the loving mother glasses lens again. Realize I'm emotional about her at the moment. It'll pass.

WWE DELUSIONS

Vince McMahon doesn't normally look scary. But the St. Valentine's Day Massacre PPV image and song looks downright frightening. I realize it's sensationalistic WWE - but the moral of the story is don't piss him off because he's capable of self-defense

Although I thought otherwise, maybe THEY had other plans. Maybe this was never supposed to be a sensationalistic comedy about mental illness - or a parody of a superhero movie like The Blue Blazer from WWE. Maybe it's a horror story about revenge that dates back to 1999 AT LEAST.

Catch it, check it, change it. I just suspect I'm Owen Hart's son. No one has confirmed or corroborated this. I just suspect I was the victim of pedophiles in the movie industry back in 1999. I have no memory of this. FIGHT OFF the daydreams / delusions. There's no hidden reality.

I'm solitary, have no self-esteem in reality, so the source of my self-esteem is Fantasyland. Delusional daydreams. The problem is, delusional daydreams are not reality. Don't let what I suspect is true become reality. I have no memory of it. There's no hidden reality.

HIV Scare (01 30 2024)

Frankly, it's pretty obvious the HIV scare was premeditated and intentional. I wish someone would confirm and corroborate the truth - that there's a hidden reality. Dr. Garrett said no one was hurting me in 2019/2020 - it's the bullies from 25 years ago. Yeah right.

Even if it's true that the HIV scare was premeditated, which it obviously is, and the hidden reality is very bad - they'll never confess what the hidden reality is. As a result, we just have to say I'm getting a feeling of conviction about my suspicions at the moment.

They say coming to a feeling of conviction about what I suspect is true is a sign of my mental illness, not me discovering a hidden truth. Don't let what I suspect is true become reality. There's no evidence here. Catch it, check it, change it. Realize there I go again.

I still believe they're lying to and gaslighting me and the hidden reality is very bad. Maybe the reason they're not confessing to a hidden reality is because there is no hidden reality. No one wanted to give me an HIV scare intentionally. It was an accident. Yeah right!

Dr. Coplan said: "It's a struggle Andrew but you are getting sucked in repeatedly to the delusions and fighting off treatments that could help you have a fighting chance."

You see, here's the thing, I'm not delusional. They're just lying and gaslighting me. There's clearly a hidden reality. If they ever tell me I'm going to be enraged.

Artwork (01 30 2024)

Help, I Need Friends (01 30 2024):

I See, The Plus (01 30 2024):

Gang Stalkers (01 30 2024):

Mom Poisoning My Dinners

I know this is "paranoia" - I'm not sure why my mom would secretly be poisoning my dinners. But I feel sick. Real bad stomach ache and esophagus problems. Is she poisoning my food with something like dish soap? If so, I wish she'd stop. It's just a suspicion. There's no hidden reality. She's not a monster behind a mask.

If my mom is poisoning my food - like I SUSPECT she's doing - fucking stop. It's making me sick. She said, "Cook for yourself". "You should be anyway". "Do not cone here". She said I'm getting "delusional". She said "You need apt away from here.  You stopped eoe meds and slam coffee again its YOU". I'm SUSPICIOUS.

I don't have EVIDENCE my mother is secretly poisoning me. I've just been feeling sick with stomach and esophagus problems, and it correlated with accusing her of being a monster behind a mask on social media, could she be secretly poisoning me while creating a facade she's trying to help me?

Catch it, check it, change it... Even if my mother was angry at me for making accusations she's a deceiving monster, to poison me because it - that's something a criminal would do. She's not a criminal. Try to watch my diet. If this doesn't get better - go back to the gastroenterologist. Whatever the problem is, most likely it is a diet and allergy issue - not a food being poisoned issue. Just because I suspect something nefarious COULD BE GOING ON - don't let the daydream become reality.

Obviously, the delusions have passed. My emotions have calmed down. I no longer believe my mother - or anymore poisoned my food.

With that said, it will ruin your relationships if you get rapid DELUSIONAL mood swings about people. People don't understand the emotional tsunami is over.

Artwork (01 29 2024)

I'm So Sad (01 29 2024):

I Can't Stand Cruel Jokes (01 29 2024):

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 29 2024)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 29 2024):

Taylor Swift, Super Bowl

Do you think the NFL is rigged? How did Taylor Swift make it to the Super Bowl in 1 season? Some people think everything - including her relationship with the football player is fake. They said Kansas City has been in the Super Bowl in 3 of the last 4 seasons. It's not scripted.

My father said: "Let's go Chiefs."

I don't know anything about football...

But oh yes, we're rooting for Kansas City. Lol.

People hate Taylor Swift on TV during their games. At least the hardcore football fans do. So as a result, we're fans.

Taylor Swift kinda makes the sport look like a sensationalistic shit show like TMZ. With that said, she's the biggest name in pop music, the NFL is probably happy about it because she'll get a lot more eyes on the Super Bowl than would have normally been watching.

A lot of people, including former NFL stars, are coming out saying the NFL is predetermined and rigged. It's a circus. But if we discovered the NFL was rigging games it would DESTROY THE LEAGUE. Although Kansas City is a good team - it's too perfect, hence the conspiracy theories.

Move On From Kelly

Do you think Kelly genuinely loved me? Or was she secretly a bully? Somebody said she loved me. I loved her too. I can't stand cruel jokes, mean people, and bullying. I wish they'd leave me the hell alone. But Kelly is genuinely my friend.

It'll be hard to find someone who adores me like Kelly did. She was great. I miss her. Kelly is the one who got away. It hurts because of the stupid nonsense that ruined our relationship. Swallow it and move on. It's too bad. But it's gonna get better.

I took a major step towards moving on from Kelly today. I went on a date and we have future plans. It's been over two years and she's not even giving me the time of day anymore. If she wanted to be in my life - SHE WOULD BE IN MY LIFE. She does not want to be anymore.

My mother said: *Interestingly sometimes in life we THINK nobody can be as perfect as what we miss but give it a chance.  So many options can come your way if u are open to it.  In truth you knew Kelly may have been a good freind but you even said maybe too old for you.  Maybe good freinds is best for you both and in time it can be.  Your an adorable person many would be glad to be the one.  Love is out there go get it .....   be open to it..."

I'm having fun with my new friend. I'm enjoying getting lunch with her. She's nice, cute, and I like her. Kelly was very special to me. I experienced a lot of firsts with her. But close the door. Move on like she did. It's going to get better. Let this new woman into my heart.

Depressed

I'm not suicidal. I'm just so sad. So dead inside. I'm walking around not wanting to socially engage, not allowing myself to feel love, I feel betrayed and hurt by everyone. I'm going on a date today. I couldn't care less. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I want to disappear.

I wasn't this depressed in late 2019 and I was bad then. I was a vulnerable mental patient who needed help back then. But I still smiled, trusted, and felt love. Now I'm like a wounded animal who just wants to succumb to his injuries. I guess fake it until you make it?

Maybe if I start to socially engage, I might wake up one day and realize, okay I'm happy again. Just got out of solitary confinement. Fake it. Eventually I'll be happy again. Maybe some of my best days are ahead of me. I don't have to be dead inside.

I'm back from my date, I'm much less depressed. I don't know how you'd classify it. Are we dating? Or are just friends getting lunch? Regardless, she's nice and cute, we had a nice time. I like her.

In a way, I don't want to let go of Kelly. But it's been over two years and she isn't even giving me the time of day anymore. She's made it clear she's moved on. Believe the face value of what she's telling me. Move on from Kelly.

Should I let this woman into my life? Should I start to classify us as dating?

I'm having fun getting lunch as "just friends"... I'm reluctant to classify us as "dating."

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, SUSPICIONS, Kelly

My Email:

Jan 28, 2024, 9:45 AM

I know this is all SUSPICIONS... But I SUSPECT Kelly dated Elon Musk before me. She's a woman in her 20s, wealthy, and a model. I SUSPECT Kelly's still madly in love with me. But the plan went haywire. I think they're having me go on dates with Olivia Rodrigo who is in disguise to show me, although Olivia's nice and I like her - I'm still madly in love with Kelly. 

Or is the woman I'm currently dating someone new (not a celebrity undercover)? Is Kelly exactly who she claimed to be, has moved on, and doesn't think about me much? Should I try to give this new woman a fighting chance to find love? Because it's been over two years. Kelly is gone. Don't daydream there's a hidden reality - people are exactly who they claim to be.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 28, 2024, 12:19 PM

There is far more payoff in the second option, but that requires you to take pleasure in the real world rather than in endless daydreaming.

My Email:

Jan 28, 2024, 12:27 PM

Take things at face value. Kelly is exactly who she's presenting herself as. This new woman is not a celebrity undercover. Stop daydreaming hidden realities. See these people for exactly who they are and they're people who have been dealt some difficult cards in life and experienced a lot of sadness - just like me. It's not Olivia Rodrigo, Taylor Swift, or Lady Gaga... And frankly I wouldn't even relate to a popstar who's been famous since their teenage years. I need someone who is severely mentally ill and has suffered - just like me.

Feeling Uneasy

I'm feeling a little uneasy, frustrated, depressed. I'm not sure how to describe what I'm feeling... But I'm in pain and can't stand the way things are.

I'm living the same solitary day over, and over again. Eating trash. Frustrated by the isolation.

I guess I can change that by getting involved in the world. Getting socially engaged. I hate NYC. Maybe go back to the fountain house.

There's no real dangers at the moment. I just feel like I've been solitary for my whole life and can't take it. I want a life and to be socially engaged. Realize there's nothing dangerous except for my thoughts.

Everything is alright. My mind is playing tricks on me. There's no danger. I'm just in a frustrated emotional tsunami because I feel I've been alone for my whole life and want to be socially engaged and having fun like everyone else.

Sometimes when I get so frustrated by solitude I'll do something destructive like going on a delusional rant on social media or punching the dry wall, but I'll try to calm down. Don't get emotional. Things are getting better. I have friends. Am making progress socially. It's ok.

They act like I need more psychiatric medication anyone would be coming unglued from sitting in what feels like solitary confinement day after day, month after month, year after year. I need to get SOCIALLY ENGAGED, not get a chemical lobotomy while this nightmare continues.

My chains are internal, not maternal. No one is holding me at gunpoint in solitary confinement. I'm choosing to sit alone in my room and pour my life down the drain. Stop blaming my elderly parents. It's my responsibility to change my life. Take accountability. Live my life.

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, Vegetable, Damaged Mind

Do you think I behave like an autistic vegetable? Could the mega regimen of medications Dr. Coplan prescribed, along with the social isolation, have fried my brain? Do you think I behave like someone whose executive and cognitive functioning is high? Did Dr. Coplan fry my brain?

Do you think my mother had nefarious intentions? Was she a pharmacological abuser who was trying to fry my mind? Or do I not even come across as having a damaged mind from the psychiatric medications? 

My mother said: "Andrew.  Ask Garrett that he isxa professional in that area.  But no a brain chemistry protected from delusions is healthy.  Staying solitary , making videos, ruminating in delusions damages brain not a lityle medication to keep u clear"

Obviously, I have to do something more than what I'm doing. But you don't think I behave like a vegetable, right? I hate to use this example, but you don't think Dr Coplan turned me into "Syd Barrett"? Meaning, he fried my brain by negligently over medicating? You don't think Dr. Coplan destroyed a healthy brain, right? And let's say hypothetically speaking he did. No one had nefarious intentions. No one was trying to fry my mind. No one was a monster behind a mask. No one was a pharmacological abuser. Correct?

My mother said: "Correct"

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 27, 2024, 7:16 PM

"No, the medication has not rendered you a vegetable mind."

My mother said: "I told you that.  The little tweek good meds give you help you break cycle you do (same day) help you out and get out in world.   Everyone takes some meds everyone to help ourselves stay well.  Your choice..."

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, I Trust Dr. Garrett (01 27 2024)

I'm starting to get SUSPICIONS, delusions, an emotional tsunami (call it what you will)... The HIV scare was premeditated and they were torturing me present day.

After reading Dr. Garrett's email, I feel as though I can trust him... Now it's time I start to trust the other persecutor du jours (the monsters of the day). Trust my mother, father, stepfather, Kelly, and Dr. Coplan. Realize there's no hidden reality and they're all on team Andrew. They are not the bullies from my childhood who took pleasure in harming me. I'm angry the bullies got away with harming me in my youth... but the best revenge on the bullies is success and to live life well.

Catch the emotional tsunami, let the past go, look to the future.

It's like the movie Anger Management with Adam Sandler. I'm really angry at the bullies from my childhood and Dr. Garrett is having me realize that. I was harmed... AS A BOY! I bring charges against people present day... But they've probably evolved as people and aren't the sadistic persecutors they once were. Maybe they're born again Christians now. Who knows? With that said, there's no bringing the childhood bullies court, so instead, I bring the proxy defendants to court by daydreaming the monsters are my mother, father, stepfather, Kelly, Dr. Garrett, Dr Coplan, or whoever the monster of the day is. It's really the bullies who harmed me as a boy who I'm ENRAGED at. The best revenge is MASSIVE SUCCESS.

Stop obsessing about bullies, who frankly, probably never even think about me. Instead, come out of my solitary Fantasyland, start to socially engage, and find love and happiness. Also, it's important to realize I can TRUST PEOPLE. No one is deceiving me. Time is running out for me to have a life. The best revenge is to live life well and not waste any more time in a solitary daydreamland. I have to do it, though.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 27, 2024, 9:14 AM

Good post, Andrew.

Emails, Dr. Garrett, Dr. Coplan, January 2024, Hidden Reality (01 26 2024)

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 26, 2024, 9:26 AM

Andrew

Yes, you are obsessed with a riddle (how to get your persecutors to confess) but alas this riddle has no solution.  You will wait and wait, month after month, year after year, anticipating a confession that will never come because your mother, your father, me, Kelly, and whatever persecutor de jour occupies your mind that day are not engaged in a conspiracy.  Your mind is conspiring to deprive you of trust.

I am well aware of the irony of your situation.  You say your trust in everyone has gone, and yet to receive help from anyone, you would have to trust them enough to listen to what they are saying.  It is foolish, really, for you to proclaim that no one tries to help you when it is your mind that closes the door to any outreach from others.

Think about it for a minute.  Which is more likely?  Your mind is painting everyone around you with a dark wash of SUSPICION which taints everyone because your mind is the source of your global SUSPICIONs not the veiled actions of others?   Or, that your mother, your father, me, Dr Coplan, Kelly have nothing better to do than torture you?  If you were to believe that your mind is the culprit, that your mind is deadening you, that your mind is casting a wide net of SUSPICION that undermines your capacity to engage with others, then what feels to you now like a cat and mouse game where you are devoting your life to exposing persecutors would immediately change into a different problem - how to dissipate your illusory SUSPICIONs, which I and Dr Coplan are here to help do.

You speak of your suppressed rage.  Here is how I understand you current state of mind.  You were bullied when you were in school.  The bullies, by definition, intended to harm you psychologically.  That's what bullies do.  They taunt people, make them feel afraid.  Those bullies are long gone from you life.  They may not even remember you.  Maybe they have reformed their ways and become better people.  Who knows.  But, if I am right about this, and I think I am, your devoting your life to exposing how your mother, your father, me, Dr Coplan Kelly, and the persecutor de jour are harming you comes from your determination to not let the bullies get away with what they did, to expose them for what they are, to bring them to justice.  Because there is no way to take the bullies of your childhood to court, you take your mother, your father, me, and Kelly to court in your daydreams.  Your feeling that you were harmed when you were a boy is true, but the feeling (SUSPICION) that you are still being harmed by your mother, your father, me, Dr Coplan and Kelly is not true.  In your determination to not let the bullies of your childhood get away with it, your mind has made your mother, your father, me, Dr Coplan and Kelly scapegoats in a quest for justice that will never achieve what you intend, be cause the bullies have long since left the building.

The good news is that you are not without social skills.  You have things to offer in relationships with others.  You can build up a real life, now, but in order to do this you will need to set aside the quest to bring the bullies of your childhood to justice.  In some of your posts you allude to your becoming famous despite your persecutors as a form of justice.  If you allow me to tone that down just a little, there is a saying, "The best vengeance is living well."   You need to make living well your vengeance.  Every day that your mind allows your SUSPICIONs to reign is another day of your life claimed by the bullies of your past.   It is my job to help you psychologically process the reality that you will never be able to bring the bullies of your childhood court, nor will you every be able to bring your proxy defendants to court (your mother, your father, me, Dr Coplan, and Kelly), and to psychologically process the rage you feel when you SUSPECT that the persecutors are still getting away with it.

We come to your next challenge.  I am trying to show you a door out of the trap your mind has set for you, but to walk through it, you would have to trust me. 

Dr G

Dr. Coplan's Email:

Jan 26, 2024, 10:00 AM

Agree with Dr Garrett, its time to let the past go and move on to the future.

Hidden Reality (01 26 2024)

Even if the HIV scare wasn't premeditated torture and even if it was an accident... It really fucked me up and made me feel defective and damaged. It changed my personality so I don't trust anyone anymore. It's fucking horrible.

Enough with the bullshit. There's obviously a hidden reality about the HIV scare. Everyone suspects it's true - there's just no evidence. I don't need "clozaril". I need them to stop lying to and gaslighting me. I'm not "delusional". Clearly something fishy was going on back then.

It's not a feeling of conviction about something I suspect is true (a DELUSION). It's very fishy. They were probably gaslighting me about HIV, if not more than that. It's pretty obvious too. Unlike a stolen shovel which I later had evidence was stolen - there's no shovel here.

The truth is they probably gaslit me into having an HIV scare with PREMEDITATED INTENT and if they ever tell me I'll be ENRAGED. But it's been four years - no one has confirmed or corroborated my SUSPICIONS. Move on and talk about the progress I'm making. They may never tell me.

I'm obsessed with getting the truth from these monsters. I feel defective and damaged. I don't want to socially engage with anyone. I'm dead inside. However, the key to recovery is developing interpersonal relationships, finding love and happiness, not being obsessed with revenge.

I feel like they're all lying to and gaslighting me. I feel betrayed, humiliated, turned into a laughingstock by EVERYONE. I want to isolate like a dying animal. But like they say, before you embark and a journey for revenge DIG TWO GRAVES. Meaning, it'll ruin my life too.

Even if the hidden reality is bad - which it certainly is. The key to recovery is to leave my solitary Fantasyland, get socially engaged, and find love and happiness. The problem is the happy and naive version of myself is gone and I feel DEAD INSIDE. I don't trust anyone anymore.

Artwork (01 25 2024)

HIV Scare (01 25 2024):

Lying And Gaslighting (01 25 2024):

Socially Engage (01 25 2024):

Hidden Reality (01 25 2024)

Even though they say there's no hidden reality about the HIV scare, there clearly is a hidden reality. They just know I'm going to be enraged when they tell me what it is. I'm going to hate them and want them dead. But I don't want to wind up in jail or the psychiatric hospital.

Even if they gave me the HIV scare with premeditated intent - don't seek revenge. What they did is so bad. They were dehumanizing, bullying, tarring and feathering me. And I'll want to explode. But it's best to get socially engaged, find love, and make myself successful, not jail.

I know Dr. Garrett says I'm revising history to have a sadistic persecutor soupe du jour. It was my irrational fear that made me take PrEP. No one was gaslighting me about HIV. Get socially engaged and make progress in my life. Stop obsessing about something from 4 years ago.

Start talking about the progress I'm making, not being obsessed over something that I SUSPECT is true. It's a feeling of conviction about something no one has confirmed or corroborated. Just my daydream they're sadistic monsters who tortured me with PREMEDITATED INTENT.

Hypothetically speaking, even if it's true... What's better - assaulting the sadistic persecutors then going to jail over their torture? Or moving on from the psychopaths, finding love, and making myself successful? Obviously, it's a happy and successful life.

I shouldn't even hypothetically indulge it to be true. I should forget about them, get socially engaged, happy, and enjoy my life. And maybe I can come to a realization that I'm having "DELUSIONS" about them. 

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, Hidden Reality

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 24, 2024, 7:16 PM

Andrew

You are revising history to fit your daydream.  You took PrEP because your were afraid.  Nobody but yourself ignited your fears.  Quite the opposite of your revisionist history, your family, me, Dr Coplan reassured you that your fears were highly exaggerated. 

In a recent post you suggested that maybe you should include more in your emails about progress socializing in the real world.  I think that is a good idea.  Since, by your own account, your conspiracy theories go around and around like a broken record, leading nowhere, what would if feel like for you to send me ONLY reports of real world socializing and skip sending me the persecutor de jour posts?

Dr G

My Email:

Jan 24, 2024, 7:47 PM

Even if I was gaslit about HIV - even if they were SADISTIC MONSTERS - which they weren't. We shared a lot of love. It's over now. I have to move on. So calm down, let it go, and find new love. I ruined any possibility for fixing the relationship. It's ruined beyond belief.

It was MY CHOICE to take HIV PrEP. No one was torturing me.

Get off social media. Stop talking about the HIV scare. Start getting socially involved and leave my daydream world

Hidden Reality (01 24 2024)

There's obviously a hidden reality about late 2019 - January 2020 that they refuse to tell me.

Even if it's as bad as I imagine, which is they were gaslighting me about HIV to make me irrationally afraid... Then I had a panic attack and took PrEP. Assuming PrEP wasn't premeditated - I'm going to be so fucking enraged. This is why they continue to lie.

No one has told me there's a hidden reality about late 2019 - January 2020. Actually, they tell me I'm getting SUSPICIONS then coming to a FEELING OF CONVICTION over the hidden reality that I SUSPECT is true. It's a persecutor delusion. They're my FRIENDS and FAMILY, not monsters

Seriously though, why am I imagining there's a really bad hidden reality. They were sadistically bullying me, tarring and feathering me, dehumanizing, and humiliating me... Then their bullying led to me having a panic attack and taking HIV PrEP. This is just what I SUSPECT.

These monsters lives and careers should be ruined for what they did. At the very least, they should get sued. I feel they belong in a poor person's prison because it led to me going to the poor person's psychiatric hospital. It's a pipe dream to think they'll face consequences.

There's obviously a hidden reality. But they just refuse to confirm or corroborate it. Then they gaslight and victim blame me.

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 24 2024)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 24 2024):

Artwork (01 24 2024)

My Brain Is On Fire (01 24 2024):

Sitting In Solitude (01 24 2024):

Sadistic Persecutors

To the sadistic persecutors who were bullying and dehumanizing me in secret, do you think I even care slightly if you get hurt? Of course not. You couldn't care less if I died. Why should I care if you do? The reason people care is because I'm going to succeed and they're rich.

If they were turning me into a buffoonish laughingstock while I was suffering in hell, not only would I not care if they got hurt - I want to see it happen. But I'm not going to take action to bring their downfall because I don't want to go to jail or the psychiatric hospital.

They say we can't change the past but we can start today and change the ending. FUCK YOU! I was in a solitary Fantasyland for 15 years while you all were having fun. They want to revise history because they don't want to suffer like I did. They should suffer. They're monsters.

They should be locked in a poor person's prison for their sadistic bullying. They didn't care that I was in a poor person's psychiatric hospital because of their bullying. The medical care the wealthy get is significantly better than the poor person's psych ward. Lock them up!

Some say there's no hidden reality and who are "they"? Maybe I need to accept I'm having an emotional tsunami. My daydreams and suspicions are becoming reality. They're no rich and famous sadistic persecutors who hurt me with PREMEDITATED INTENT.

I SUSPECT they thought they could dehumanize and hurt me and would get away with it completely. SUSPECT is the keyword. I don't have evidence this is true. No one had corroborated or confirmed a nefarious conspiracy to torture me. It's a DELUSION with the evidence at the moment.

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, Real Life

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 23, 2024, 5:08 PM

Andrew

To move forward in your life you must be prepared to bear a certain degree of sadness to get through to the other side where real life awaits you.  I hear enough wish to move outside your daydream world in this post to, if you wish, re-engage in psychotherapy. I cannot meet this week, but could resume next week.

Dr G 

My Email:

Jan 23, 2024, 5:33 PM

I know I cry about the accident, cry about how I miss my ex-girlfriend, cry about how I spent a lot of time on social media in solitude, and rarely talk about all the progress I'm making...

Actually, I've been making a lot of progress in the real world. 

I did NAMI on Long Island last night. I got a few people's phone numbers. We made plans to get together. They were all male.

I have a buddy from New York City who moved to Long Island who I see about once a week. We've been getting together for months now. He's a cool guy who I like hanging out with a lot. We have a lot of fun together.

I do the art class twice a week. I have friends and acquaintances in the class.

I usually do the open mic night on Friday evenings where I'm continuing to practice my comedy. I have friends and acquaintances from Open Mic too.

Obviously, I would like financial independence and a girlfriend.

I'm seeing a woman for the second time this Sunday. I'm not sure if it's a date or not. But she's a friend and we're getting lunch.

So we won't do psychotherapy this week. We'll resume next week. However, it's not as doom and gloom as you may think.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 23, 2024, 7:29 PM

This is great good news that you are socially engaged in the way you are.

My Email:

Jan 23, 2024, 7:34 PM

As I've said, I've made progress but often talk about all the negatives in my life. Maybe I should try talking about the progress I've made recently rather than cry about the bad. Because a lot of progress has been made. I'm still frustrated by the lack of intimacy and independence. But if I keep trying it'll happen sooner or later. And I have been trying.

Artwork (01 23 2024)

Love Forever (01 23 2024):

Good Old Days (01 23 2024):

Get Off Social Media (01 23 2024):

I'm Broken (01 23 2024):

I Don't Want To Talk To Anyone (01 23 2024):

January 22, 2024

January 22, 2024:

Brian Wilson, Biological Father, Daydreaming

I'm getting SUSPICIONS Brian Wilson, my hero, is my kept secret biological father... FUCK PET SOUNDS! I'm all about Kokomo now. But seriously, it's a daydream. He's just rich, famous, and interesting. My biological father has always been Robert Koloski. Catch it then end it.

If Brian Wilson was my father I'd immediately have status. I wouldn't be a disabled adult-child, I'd be rich and famous. Then it'd be like Gotham City. It's a fantasy story that is becoming real because my life is sad and empty. Start socializing with people in the real world.

Guess what's more effective than any antipsychotic or psychiatric medication for delusions? Interpersonal relationships, a romantic partner, and independence. But it won't magically appear by posting on social media. I have to go out and socialize with people.

Take accountability for sitting in solitude. My chains are internal. No one is holding me at gunpoint in solitary confinement. If I choose to isolate and daydream Brian Wilson is my father - that's MY FAULT. To quote Gary Burr, "love is out there... But you have to go get it."

Get off social media. Leave my inner-fantasyland and start SOCIALIZING WITH PEOPLE. What's better? Daydreaming about intimacy? Or actually having a romantic partner? Of course it's real life intimacy with a woman. I have to meet her. No one else can do it for me.

Artwork (01 22 2024)

In Hell (01 22 2024):

Hidden Realities (01 22 2024):

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 22 2024)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 22 2024):

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, Fantasy And Reality (01 22 2024)

My Email:

Jan 22, 2024, 8:16 AM

Time to repeat myself... They belong in a poor person's prison. It shouldn't matter if they're rich and powerful. Lock them up!

Just because someone has money and power should they be above the law? Absolutely not! Especially if what they've done is BLATANTLY CRIMINAL. I have no sympathy if they wind up in prison. They didn't care I went to the poor person's psychiatric hospital. Enjoy your vacation!

I was asked: who are "they"? It's not my parents. They're not the bane of my existence soupe du jour today. I SUSPECT they exist and tortured me. However, maybe I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about a conspiracy which I SUSPECT IS TRUE. There's no evidence confirming this.

Just like how you have a temperature and are ill if you have the flu. Coming to a feeling of conviction about a nefarious conspiracy is a symptom of my schizoaffective disorder. It's hard to go against what my convictions are but that's what I must do because they're DELUSIONAL.

The truth is I often can't distinguish between fantasy and reality. I daydream. When most people realize this idea is fantasy - they fight off the daydream. For me, because I've been solitary and alone in my head - my fantasy becomes reality. Then I act on my daydreams/delusions.

When most people daydream it'd be fun to be a rich and famous movie star but if they're working for minimum wage as a cashier they know they're not rich and famous. Fantasy becomes reality for me and I'm CONVINCED I'm about to become extremely rich and famous from social media.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 22, 2024, 8:33 AM

Andrew

Yes, SUSPICIONS and CONVICTIONS are symptoms of your psychological condition, not gateways to the truth.  Your SUSPICIONS and CONVICTIONS occupy a great deal of your mental energy that could be put to more effective use socializing with real people in the real world.  When your are absorbed with SUSPICIONS and CONVICTIONS  your life becomes an illusion. 

Dr G

Schizophrenia, Friends And Family (01 21 2024)

You're saying schizophrenia isn't rainbows and butterflies? Interesting. I thought it was. People would rather pretend schizophrenics don't exist because they're not easy to talk about or deal with. They like to sweep them under the rug then move on.

Most people would rather play and enjoy their lives than help a severely mentally ill friend or family member. They can try revisionist history all they want - but the truth is I was left in a solitary daydreamland, alone in my head, for most of my life. They couldn't care less.

The only reason these narcissistic losers care now is because my life would make an excellent concept for a TV show or movie. If I was homeless, in the psych ward, or in jail they wouldn't have cared. They care because I am now a winner. When I was at rock bottom they ignored me.

Am I coming to a feeling of conviction about my suspicions? I suspect there's a hidden reality... But no one has confirmed or corroborated this. I suspect the reason they don't tell me and lie is because the truth will make me ENRAGED. There's no evidence here... Yet.

The problem, for them at least, is my existence makes THEM LOOK LIKE MONSTERS. So they'd rather portray me as a villain or erase me. The reality is they were playing as millionaires and I was suffering in schizoaffective hell. My rise will be their downfall - so they cover me up.

I did not say who "they" are. You fill in the blank. However, I'm not saying it's my mother or father. My parents are not "them." But I SUSPECT "they" exist.

Actually, my parents ALLOWED MY VOICE TO BE HEARD. So I should THANK THEM.

With that being said, I'm 36 years old and my life couldn't have turned out much worse. When they stop lying and gaslighting me they know I'll be extremely angry. I suspect there's a hidden reality. Is there no evidence because they're lying? Or is it because I'm "delusional?"

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, Hidden Reality (01 20 2024)

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 20, 2024, 3:20 PM

Andrew

As I have explained to you before, just as having an increased temperature when you have a cold or the flu is a symptom of a medical condition, your seemingly unshakable sense of CONVICTION that something hidden is going on despite there being no evidence (no shovel) is a symptom of your psychological condition.  CONVICTION without evidence = a daydream world.    The world would make sense were you to think, "Oh, the reason no one confesses to gaslighting me is that no one is gaslighting me.  That's why there is no evidence.  But my illusory CONVICTION leads me to the conclusion that everyone is lying to me."   Your best chance at the moment to free yourself from the illusion of CONVICTION that everyone around you is engaged in a plot is to work with Dr Coplan to see if some medication target this sense of CONVICTION  that makes it impossible to trust anyone.  Your mistrust then consigns you to a lonely life, the very thing you want to avoid. 

We can re-evaluate week by week, but it sounds like for now you remain deeply lost in you mistrustful daydream word in which your SUSPICIONS make socializing impossible for you because anyone who tries to be kind or helpful eventually gets classified as a nefarious trickster.  You could take an action that is under your control and that is your responsibility to take, and that would be to work with Dr Coplan to search for a medication regimen that would damp down the pathological SUSPICION and CONVICTION that i robbing you of your recovery.  It is extremely difficult to trust and act in a manner opposite to your CONVICTIONS but is precisely what you must do if you are to save yourself from a nightmare world is which anyone who approaches you you perceive as up to no good.

Dr G 

My Email:

Jan 20, 2024, 5:42 PM

I know Dr. Garrett says that I get a feeling a conviction with no evidence (no shovel)... but they are totally f****** lying to me. There is without a doubt a hidden reality. How bad is it? I don't know. But I suspect it's bad. They just know if they tell me the truth I'm going to be enraged. So they lie to and gaslight me. It's not like having the flu and coming to a feeling of conviction with no evidence. It's they're lying. Everyone knows they're lying. But they continue to lie.

My Email:

Jan 20, 2024, 5:56 PM

Can somebody just confirm and corroborate what we all suspect is true? They're liars, gaslighters, there is without a doubt a hidden reality, it's very bad, and everybody knows it. I just wish they would tell me. They're cowards because they know if they told me I'll be angry.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 20, 2024, 6:49 PM

Andrew

Given your CONVICTION that you are the victim of a broad based conspiracy, as we have discussed in the past, as long as that is your point of view, and what you want is a confession rather than to work toward living in the actual world, there seems no point in meeting next week.  We can assess week by week to see if your perspective changes enough to make psychotherapy viable again. 

Dr G

My Email:

Jan 20, 2024, 7:14 PM

I feel like there's a bad hidden reality, but you say that's my mental illness and are refusing sessions with me until I accept that. Even though my convictions FEEL REAL - they're DELUSIONS. No one is lying.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 20, 2024, 7:23 PM

It is true there is no conspiracy.  You are misconstruing my words, Andrew.  I did not say "I am refusing to meet with you."   I did say that as long as you believe I am a member of a nefarious group out to harm you will, because you hold that belief, believe what I say to you in psychotherapy to be lies rather than an attempt to help you.  If a significant part of your motivation is to "catch me in a lie" or elicit a confession from me for something I have not done, then you will be listening to what I say as though gathering verbal evidence for your CONVICTION rather than listening to what I have to say in my effort to help you.  In this email you say that your CONVICTION is delusional.  That is true.  In this email you say no one is lying.  But earlier in the day you said everyone was lying.  I know you think in "double bookkeeping" but there has to be enough of your attention in the real world to make progress in psychotherapy.

My Email:

Jan 20, 2024, 7:30 PM

Tonight I wasn't thinking of you as the sadistic persecutor soupe du jour. Tonight's monster was my parents. But you talked me out of the emotional tsunami and lucid and happy Andrew is back. I no longer believe there's a conspiracy... Until it happens again - which is totally will.

Hidden Reality

Everyone knows there's a hidden reality. I know it. Dr. Coplan suspects it. Dr. Garrett suspects it. It couldn't be more obvious. But they continue to lie because they know how I'll react.

I saw a post by a psychiatrist on social media that said, if you think having a difficult conversation is hard... Wait until you see the consequence of not having it.

It's obvious they're lying and I want no relationship with them until they tell me the truth. The problem is the truth is BAD. VERY BAD! So it's just easier for them to lie. But everyone knows there's a hidden reality... And I mean EVERYONE!

Even Dr. Coplan and Dr. Garrett SUSPECT there's a hidden reality and it's not a "persecutor delusion." However, they need to confirm what everyone SUSPECTS is true... Or continue to lie and gaslight.

I'm not even angry or emotional. But the deception is obvious. It's clear as day. It couldn't be more clear they're lying. I can pretend there's no hidden reality so they're no problems. I can be willfully blind. But it's obviously lies and a house of cards.

They Should Get Sued

They should all get sued for everything they have... Actually, they should be in a poor person's prison. But they're trying to cover up the conspiracy and it's a pipe dream to think they'll face any consequences for what they've done to me.

I was vulnerable, needed mental health recovery, and these monsters played a reckless prank on me. At the moment, I just SUSPECT this is true. No one has confirmed or corroborated this. They took someone at rock bottom and gave me the most traumatic experience of my life.

I'm not going to name any names. I'll let you fill in the blank about who "they" are. But there's clearly a hidden reality and they should get sued at the very least. They're lying and gaslighting me. And that's ASSUMING me taking PrEP was an accident and not intentional too.

They say I overestimate how much people think about me. There was no conspiracy to give me an HIV scare to tear me down and humble me. What happened is exactly what it appears to be on the surface. I stepped on something, and then like a fool chose to take PrEP.

No one was gaslighting me into being afraid of HIV in late 2019. My friends were afraid of it in their own right, for their own reasons. Dr. Garrett was trying to help me. I just had a panic attack and made a foolish decision then started blaming others for MY MISTAKE.

I owe the people who I accused of being sexual sadists and monsters behind a mask a TREMENDOUS APOLOGY. Most of them were trying to help me, if not all of them. Even my enemies didn't want to hurt me. It was an accident that no one was happy about I SUSPECT. 

With that being said, it's kind of obvious there's a hidden reality and they've owed me a very difficult conversation for the past four years. They're just afraid of how I'll react to the difficult conversation so they don't have it. But it WASN'T INTENTIONAL. It's an ACCIDENT.

If They Died and It's Not My Father Today

Do you think I even care slightly if you die? Let me ask you a question - would you have cared if I died? I'm not going to take any action to bring your downfall... But I hate you and wish the worst for you. If you get hurt I couldn't care less. In fact, I'd be happy.

I'm not going to take any action because I don't want to go to jail or the psychiatric hospital. But I certainly wish the worst for you. With that said, I'm going to live my own life and make myself a billionaire. I certainly wouldn't cry if you died. You didn't care about me.

They say to be more empathetic - why empathize with people who were turning me into a laughingstock and couldn't care less if I died? I'm starting to succeed now. But if I died they would've laughed at me like I was a buffoon. So why should I feel bad for them? I don't feel bad.

Maybe when I'm cooler than the pop stars and movie stars they preferred over me these narcissistic losers will wish they treated me kinder? Or maybe they'll justify their abuse in their minds and falsely accuse me of being a "psychopath"? Regardless, why care when they didn't?

At the moment, I just SUSPECT there's a very bad hidden reality. No one has confirmed or corroborated this. They're lying to and gaslighting me because they know the truth will make me ENRAGED. They're cowards who refuse to have the difficult conversation with me.

My father asked me if my recent sadistic prosecutor posts were about him so I said: It's about them, not you. You fill in the blank. But fear not because it's not about you. You're not the bane of my existence soupe du jour today. You're the good guy today :)

I said to my father: "But don't peeve me because my mind swings wildly and you could go from a loving father TO SATAN instantaneously. Then my emotions will pass and I'll love you again. The truth is shades of grey. You're not angelic or Satan."

Artwork (01 18 2024)

Insane (01 18 2024):

Hear Me (01 18 2024):

Dating A Brunett Now (01 18 2024):

I said to my father

I said to my father: "I don't need the hospital because I'm not delusional. You're a liar and a gaslighter and we all know it. Tell me the fucking truth about late 2019 / January 2020. There's clearly a hidden reality. You're a deceiver."

I said to my father: "I'm not delusional and we all know it. I don't know how bad the hidden reality is because there's CLEARLY ONE. I want NO MORE RELATIONSHIP WITH ME until you're honest and transparent with me. I'll change when you tell me the truth."

I said to my father: "The truth is you're a liar and a gaslighter. There's CLEARLY a hidden reality about late 2019 / January 2020. You know exactly what it is. But you still refuse to have the difficult conversation. So until you do I'm done with you completely."

I said to my father: "The truth is stop saying I'm "delusional" because we all know I'm not. Everyone knows it too. But no one has officially corroborated it because while we suspect it's true - there's no evidence."

I said to my father: "The truth is it's time for you to stop lying to and gaslighting me. There's obviously a hidden reality. You just refuse to tell me what it is."

I said to my father: "Stop threatening me with the hospital when we all know I'm not "delusional." What are you a psychopath? The place is barbaric and hell on earth. You're lying and try to frighten and threaten me? You're a monster!"

I said to my father: "You're trying to gaslight me and make me appear crazier than I am. Stop threatening me with the hospital, you're a psychopath who belongs in prison. It's time I end this relationship with you."

I said to my father: "The truth is I'm not "delusional." I don't need the psychiatric hospital because all you're doing is bringing up old examples to make me appear crazy. The truth is there's a hidden reality and we all know it. Just stop talking to me forever."

I said to my father: "What are you a psychopath? Threatening me with the hospital when we all know I'm not even delusional. You belong in prison."

Artwork (01 17 2024)

I Love Nature (01 17 2024):

They Tortured Me (01 17 2024):

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 17 2024)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 17 2024):

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, HIV PrEP, They (01 17 2024)

My Email:

Jan 17, 2024, 9:24 AM

Tell me the truth. The HIV accident was no accident and we all know it. I'm just being lied to and gaslit 

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 17, 2024, 10:18 AM

Who are the "they" that you are referring to?   

My Email:

Jan 17, 2024, 10:26 AM

A family member asked the same question: "who is "they"?" You fill in the blank. Rather than accuse someone, I'll let you insert the names. I'm alleging is not an accident. I don't know who is to blame. But I want them to stop gaslighting me and tell me the hidden reality.

My family member said: "Who is the they?"

"What are the they?"

"Where are the they?"

"Why are the they?"

He also said, "You are the only one lying and gaslighting to yourself."

My Email:

Jan 17, 2024, 10:37 AM

My family member asked me: "Why can't you catch your thoughts, control your thoughts and cancel your thoughts?"

I need to realize "they" did not do it to me... whether it's a family member, an ex-girlfriend, Dr. Garrett, and so on. I'm looking for someone to blame, but it was an accident. Unfortunately, I chose to take PrEP against everybody's advice not to. There's no deceiving fiend. 

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024, Resume Sessions (01 16 2024)

My Email:

Jan 16, 2024, 7:21 AM

Dear Dr. Garrett,

I saw Dr. Coplan yesterday and we discussed my terminating sessions with you. We realized that I am PSYCHOTIC and my accusations that you're a sexual sadist who gave me the HIV accident with premeditated intent is DELUSIONAL. You're an excellent doctor who wanted to help me. I owe you an apology. I was wondering if we could attempt to resume sessions. As Dr. Coplan said yesterday, he said he doesn't know anyone else as experienced in specializing in psychosis. However, after how it ended I understand if you no longer want me as your patient. I will try to 100% see you as an excellent psychiatrist again and let go of the sadistic deceiver delusions once and for all.

I'm very frustrated over how my life turned out and I'm looking for someone to blame. So I bring charges of sexual perversity looking for the bane of my existence soupe du jour. The monster of the day. The reality is I'm sabotaging all my relationships - including my relationship with my psychiatrists - looking for someone to blame for my pain and suffering.

Want to attempt a session on Thursday? It's up to you.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 16, 2024, 4:01 PM

If you continue to believe that I am a monster there is no hope that you will be able to take in much of anything I would say in psychotherapy.    I am unable to meet this week but would be open to resuming next week if your conviction that I am the bane of your existence has passed.   

My Email:

Jan 16, 2024, 4:09 PM

I'll try to realize the HIV scare was a complete accident. There's no liar or gaslighter. Let's resume sessions next week. I don't know why I'm so traumatized by the accident. But I'm so angry over it. I think I'm in emotional deregulation, have cptsd, and desire intimacy. But I'll see you as an expert doctor again, not a deceiving monster behind a mask. It's sad. But I'm having an emotional tsunami temper tantrum. Let it go. Let's resume psychotherapy realizing there's no sadistic deceiver - especially not you. You want to help me. Sorry for making emotional accusations. Let's resume our work next week. You're a great doctor who's helped me tremendously.

HIV PrEP (01 16 2024)

Did they really conspire to get me to take HIV PrEP? These PSYCHOPATHS should be in prison for rape.

I feel like they're lying and it's obvious. There's clearly a hidden reality. We all know it. They're SADISTIC DECEIVERS and SEXUAL SADISTS who intentionally gave me an HIV accident to torture me. I wish someone would admit the truth and corroborate it. They belong in prison.

It's obvious the HIV scare in late 2019 / January 2020 was no accident. It's was done with premeditated intent to torture me. It made me feel defective and damaged. When someone corroborates it's no accident - which is obviously true - I'll be ENRAGED... As I should be.

I wish they would stop lying and admit what we all know is true - it wasn't an accident. But they'll never admit it to me. It's been four years. They still gaslight me. I wish they would because I'm obsessed and need the truth the truth to recover. I want honesty and transparency

I wish they would stop fucking lying to and gaslighting me. I've had enough. They're sexual sadists and liars. It couldn't be more obvious. They belong in poor person's prison for literal rape because it feels like a metaphorical rape what happened to me. It wasn't an accident.

Artwork (01 16 2024)

Swimming, With My Dream Woman (01 16 2024):

Sexually Frustrated, Sexual Perversity (01 16 2024):

In Hell (01 16 2024):

System Of A Down - Chop Suey

System Of A Down - Chop Suey:

Fun fact: The original title of the song was Self-Righteous Suicide but the record company decided the title was unmarketable. So they chopped Suicide in half "Chop Suey." However, it's still obvious what the song is about.

Dr. Coplan said: "Great song by System of a Down."

"Yea it's one of their best. It was the grunge rock era. Everything was about suicide and IV heroin."

The song Toxicity by System Of A Down is great. It's about a society that is overmedicated. I feel the mega regimen of psychiatric medications that I took for over ten years, that I didn't even want to take, I felt toxic like an unnatural lab rat.

Sexual Frustration and HIV Scare

Although what Dr. Garrett did to me is very serious, a crime, and not at all like sensationalistic WWE... He's going to try to allege my social media and emails aren't reality. Or am I sexually frustrated and I'm projecting he's a monster onto him? He's not a SADISTIC DECEIVER?

When I think people are deceiving sexual sadists - CATCH IT, CHECK IT, CHANGE IT. There's no evidence anyone gets perverse sexual pleasure from my suffering. Am I really suffering? Without a doubt. I desire intimacy. No one present day is a monster behind a mask who tortured me.

Basically what I'm trying to say with the sexual abuse and HIV scare delusions is I want sexual intimacy, and I can't seem to get it on my own. I want my mother, father, Dr. Garrett, and so on to get me a girlfriend. Instead, I bring charges of sexual perversity. It's projection.

The HIV scare is the same thing. I've been involuntarily celibate for practically my whole life. I feel like women won't want to date me now. The HIV scare is being enraged how I'm not having sex. My fear of what HIV would mean came true - no sex, life, or independence.

I'm to blame for not having sex. How can Mommy or Daddy match me with a girlfriend? My chains are internal, not material. It's MY RESPONSIBILITY to socialize and get intimacy for myself. The problem is I can't seem to meet anyone. So I blame people for my hunger and frustrations.

HIV Scare, Hidden Reality

I feel "they" should be in poor person's prison for rape - because it feels like a metaphorical rape what happened to me. It's a pipe dream to think "they'll" face any legal consequences for what happened. 

I just suspect there's a hidden reality. No one has corroborated it.

Well, it was Dr. Garrett who was gaslighting me into having the HIV accident with PREMEDITATED INTENT... But Kelly is nothing like me, she was wealthy, and might've secretly been laughing at me... Until the "accident" happened. I just SUSPECT all of this to be true. No evidence.

You need evidence to put someone in jail. Back in 2011, I suspected my mother was a sexual abuser then assaulted her over it. I learned my lesson. I know physically leads to prison. It hasn't happened before or since. It's one isolated incident. No charges were pressed.

I'm not going to assault anyone ever again because I know if you do that based on a SUSPICIONS and if you don't have EVIDENCE of your accusations - which were DELUSIONAL - it'll be you who goes to jail or the psychiatric hospital. Then I was aot court ordered to take medication.

I'll never get physical again, but a similar thing is happening when I accuse Dr. Garrett of being a deceiving sexual sadist who INTENTIONALLY TORTURED ME then blog about it online. My words could ruin his career, not that anyone believes me, I look schizoaffective. BUT it COULD.

It's true I'm suffering tremendously. I desire sexual intimacy with a woman. But I can't seem to get one. I blame my parents, ex-girlfriends, Dr Garrett, and do on, by bringing charges of sexual perversity. Am I really suffering? Yes. But nobody gets pleasure from my suffering.

Nobody is holding me prisoner telling me to sit in solitary confinement and post on social media all day long. It's my choice to do that. In fact, everybody's encouraging me to live in the real world and to get intimacy. My chains are internal, not maternal. It's MY CHOICE.

My Father And January 2020

My father asked to get together, I said: "If you tell me the truth about January 2020. If not, I never want to see you again"

It couldn't be more obvious he's lying and there's a hidden reality. He'll either continue to lie and gaslight me - then I'll have no relationship with him. Or he'll tell me the truth. But the truth is bad. We both know it.

I'll let my emotions calm down and tell myself there's no hidden reality about January 2020. No one, especially my friends and family (and this includes my dad), wanted or wants to hurt me. There's no sadistic deceiver. Let the "delusions" pass and have a nice day.

Frankly, I feel like EVERYONE is lying to me. I'll just be willfully blind and not emotional about EVERYONE'S deception. They tell me I'm "delusional". No one is lying. There's no hidden reality. Everyone is being honest and transparent with me. They're not gaslighting me.

I want to avoid a psychiatric hospitalization because that's HELL ON EARTH. So I'll just say the delusions have passed. The truth is I SUSPECT something nefarious happened in January 2020. I just won't get emotionally triggered by it today because I want to enjoy my day.

HIV Scare (01 12 2024)

Did these psychopaths really gaslight me into taking HIV PrEP? Tell me the truth. It's obvious there's a hidden reality. It was obviously premeditated. I wish somebody would just admit the truth.

There's clearly a hidden reality and they intended to get me to take HIV PrEP to torture me. It made me feel defective and damaged. It made me feel HIV positive. I'm going to turn into the Kurt Angle meme when they tell me it's true and they all know it. So they lie to me.

The HIV scare is no accident. Someone INTENDED to torture me. I know they say there's no evidence of anything nefarious. It's just my SUSPICIONS that there's a hidden reality. Come on! It couldn't be more obvious something secret was going on. Sadly, nobody tells me what it is.

My friends and family say no one wants or wanted to hurt me. I SUSPECT something nefarious happened in late 2019 and January 2020. I WANT THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. It feels like they're lying to me. Maybe they are telling me the truth? I don't believe they are, though.

I need to catch it, check it, change it and realize I'm having an emotional tsunami. No one hurt me with PREMEDITATED INTENT. I SUSPECT someone did. But there's no evidence this is true. No one has corroborated anything. I just SUSPECT somebody hurt me INTENTIONALLY.

The problem is I know they're lying. They know I know they're lying. They continue to lie. I WANT THE TRUTH. Enough is enough. Tell me what happened so I can recover. It's obvious there's a hidden reality and I'm not "delusional." Someone INTENDED to hurt me.

Artwork (01 11 2024)

Don't Look Under The Bed (01 11 2024):

Hidden Reality (01 11 2024):

Where Are They? (01 11 2024):

Treating Psychotic Patients: Michael Garrett

Treating Psychotic Patients: Michael Garrett:

Artwork (01 10 2024)

Sun (01 10 2024):

I'm So Sorry (01 10 2024):

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 10 2024)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 10 2024):

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2024

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 10, 2024, 10:11 AM

Andrew

We need to reach a joint decision about whether to continue meeting, or should we interrupt psychotherapy sessions for now.  Even if there is some part of you that thinks I may not be the monster you are currently imagining me to be, if your predominant feeling is that I am plotting to harm you it will very difficult for you to hear anything I say as intended to be of help to you.   What are your thoughts about continuing to meet or suspending sessions?   A related question - have you told your mother that I am, as you phrase it, a "fiend"?

Dr G

My Email:

Jan 10, 2024, 10:37 AM

You were the one who first introduced the term "fiend" about my parents many years ago. 

You said on October 4, 2018: "It is not a credible idea that your mother, father, and step-father are sexually aroused by your suffering.  One possibility here is that when you are feeling the constraints of your life, you blame your parents by bringing charges of sexual perversity.  You and I need to investigate where this feeling that your parents are fiends comes from." 

However, I still see you as the monster. I could try to fight off the suspicions and see you with the excellent psychiatrist lens again. What would your motivation be to give me an HIV "accident"? I put "accident in quotation marks because I'm accusing you of doing it with premeditated intent. 

But you're a professional doctor. I suffer from delusions. Much like my parents in 2018 - try not to see you as a "fiend."

Should we attempt a session tomorrow at 11:15 am? Or should we suspend sessions until I stop seeing you as a sexual sadist and deceiver?

And yes, I've told my mother how I see you as the "fiend."

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 10, 2024, 1:11 PM

Andrew

Assuming I was the first to use the word fiend in our conversation, and I have no reason to doubt your tracking the emails I send you that includes this word, are you implying that my being the first to use this word  has any special meaning?  You believed your parents were monsters long before I every spoke that word.  Are you SUSPECTING that I meant to "plant" the idea that your parents were fiends by using that word?   Do you believe that I maliciously use words to plant them in your mind?   If so, you will not be inclined to take in anything I have to say in psychotherapy for fear I am "planting" an idea (which is not my intent) but simply trying to use words to communicate with you.    You must make the decision about whether we continue psychotherapy tomorrow or take a break for a while.  I want to be guided by your judgment here.

Dr G   

My Email:

Jan 10, 2024, 1:19 PM

I'm accusing you of being the only and only sexual sadist. I'm accusing you of giving me the HIV "accident" - which was no accident - you did it to me through gaslighting and manipulation. Let's suspend all future sessions. After all, why would I see someone who is getting sexual pleasure from my suffering while creating a facade you're trying to help me? Hopefully, I am just "delusional." Though, I don't believe I am. I believe there's always been a hidden reality and you intended to hurt me.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Jan 11, 2024, 7:50 AM

Andrew

At your request, we will suspend sessions for now.  If you have a change of mind, please contact me and we can consider next steps.

Dr G

My Email:

Jan 11, 2024, 7:58 AM

For what it's worth, this morning I'm not thinking of you as the deceiving sexual sadist who gave me the HIV "accident" with premeditated intent. I'm thinking of my friends and family as the fiends and monsters. Since I see you as the good guy today, maybe we could attempt session at 11:15 a.m.? Or, maybe I need to come to the realization it was an accident and nobody hurt me with premeditated intent. There is no sadistic deceiver or hidden reality.

I know we call it the bane of my existence soup du jour. Today's monster who is responsible for ruining my life are my friends and family. Yesterday, it was you. The truth is there's not one sadistic monster. There are a lot of people who are to blame. It's very shades of grey.

And the HIV "accident" was exactly that AN ACCIDENT.

My Email:

Jan 11, 2024, 8:54 AM

Actually, on second thought, I believe Dr. Garrett is the one and only deceiving sexual sadist. I no longer believe my friends and family gave me the HIV "accident" with PREMEDITATED INTENT. It was no accident. Dr. Garrett wanted to hurt me through gaslighting and manipulation. So today's session is suspended. All sessions are suspended until I realize I'm "delusional" (as you say).