The Joker

I can think of a very inappropriate joke about who The Joker to the U.S.A. Gotham City should be... and it's not me. But I'm not touching that topic with a 10-foot pole.

The rioters decide to bust that clown out of jail as their leader. (IT'S A JOKE!)

Some Posts (05 31 2020)

Post 01:

I'm trying to be optimistic and tell myself good days are coming... but I'm certain we're doomed in America. Another major crisis is coming next week. What has North Korea been up to? They're mysteriously silent. (A joke... I hope.) 

Post 02: 

Speaking of North Korea, I suspect Kim Jong-un had the Coronavirus. That's why he disappeared for a while. He didn't want to show himself to the public while he was sick - he'd be seen as weak. It's just my theory.

Post 03:

Yes, the U.S.A. is pretty bad right now. But at least I'm not living in North Korea. It could always be worse. 

Scary

There are already enough things to worry about. It's awful living in a world where we feel unsafe to go outside. It's not only from a pandemic now. We need real leadership, this is so scary.

President

I don't think Joe Biden is a great leader, but he'd be much better than Trump right now.

I'd love to be the President of the United States one day. I'm a great leader, very intelligent, and want the best. Unfortunately, my psychiatric condition would probably hurt my chances to get elected. Maybe I'm better off being a passionate advocate and public speaker.

George Floyd Riots

The riots about George Floyd is mindless violence to protest violence. It has more to do with poverty. They hate their life so much, that they want to cause chaos, and don't care about the consequences. In fact, many of the rioters are spray painting anti-rich messages.

Batman

The U.S.A. is turning into Gotham City (Batman). When is The Joker going to show up?

2020

I understand why so many people are angry. Unfortunately, this happened during the Coronavirus pandemic. I just want to have happy, wholesome, Yorkie puppy-like fun again. But 2020's been A NIGHTMARE! I'm pessimistically wondering: what's the next crisis that's going to happen?

Poverty

Maybe one day if I work really hard then I can be rich like Mark Zuckerberg or Donald Trump. The reason people live in poverty is obviously their laziness. (Sarcasm)

Edward Norton

The first rule of Edward Norton is: You do not talk about The Incredible Hulk. The second rule of Edward Norton is: You do not talk about The Incredible Hulk.

Whether or not you agree with I'm apart of a Fight Club-like secret society on the internet. Some say it's a delusion, and I'm broadcasting to no one besides myself. There's no denying my hellish and chaotic home environment resulted in me living in an internet fantasy-land.

Sometimes I get so overtaken with rage, then I turn into The Incredible Hulk in an inner-world. 

fame through lineage

My doctor said I'm hoping for "fame through lineage", or through a celebrity Fairy Godmother, rather than through my own achievements.

I plan on developing my screenplay, getting my art presented at an art gallery, taking acting, and comedy classes when Coronavirus calms down (own achievements). However, daydreaming I'm already a famous Hollywood superstar that WILL be acknowledged soon, is crippling because I don't want to work a grounded in reality job. Unfortunately, right now there's nothing to do but daydream since I don't interact with anyone in person for months.

Syd Barrett - My REAL Biological Father

NOTE: THIS MIGHT BE A DELUSION:

Right now, I have a STRONG BELIEF that Syd Barrett is my biological father.

There's no question I look just like him, my psychopharmacologist acknowledged in an email there's a "Definite resemblance to Syd Barrett" when I sent him comparison photographs. But just because you're someone's doppelganger doesn't mean they're your biological father. There are many look-alikes.

I think some of the people who I interacted with through the internet are members of the Barrett family from England, who discovered me somehow. They left clues letting me know. For example, they attended the University of Southampton. Or is it predicate logic?

Were the Barrett family the TRUE internet guardian angels that were protecting me, not a pop superstar?

In my opinion, my mom confirmed it, by saying: do I just want to live off of a rockstars talent and reputation? I said: I'm developing my own talent and path in life. I'm a much better artist than him, anyway. Some people say I have the potential to be the greatest performance artist, actor, and comedian of all time. I'll also be an advocate for mental health, maybe even run for President of the U.S.A., with a political ideology similar to Bernie Sanders. I just don't have the attention... yet.

I'll be an epic, sensational superstar soon. Forget "Cell Waters"... My stage name will be "Andrew "Cell" Barrett." However, in real life, I'll be Andrew Koloski. Because my dad is who secretly let the Barrett family know about my existence.

As of this moment, this is all speculation. Am I lost in delusion and psychosis? I guess it's fantasy and reality getting blurred. I want so badly to be a rockstar, to have instantaneous success, that my daydreams become real. Come to think of it, isn't that what Syd Barrett struggled with too (in Wish You Were Here)?

My Stepdad

I hate my Stepdad so much. He's a strict, conservative, unpleasant, miserable man who ruined my life.

When I try socializing with my mom and him, I become intimidated like a child. I'm afraid to speak about things he disagrees with, I have submissive body language. I'm in a constant state of panic and chaos. It's like walking on eggshells. 

My mom doesn't let me assert myself either, I'm told to obey every golden rule. 

I was intimidated into living in an inner-fantasyland. My parents never metaphorically taught me to swim, they let me drown, and I'm dependent on them because I have a severe mental illness they caused.  

The only way I know how to be heard is SCREAMING on the internet what a power-hungry MONSTER he is. I'm a tough-guy online. But in person, I'm weak.

I'm imagining this will end like a feel-good Hollywood movie. I'll go viral from sensational posts, be a celebrity A-Lister with money and fame. I think celebrities already know who I am, a major motion picture company is getting ready to hire me. And when it happens, our families dirty laundry will be exposed. Even if there's nothing legally I can do about the abuse, at least he'll be shamed for being a MONSTER. 

The reality is I'm delusional, and this isn't like a happy Hollywood movie - it's real life and might end badly. But even then, I don't care. I hate my life so much that I want to scream and shout for change.

There's no question, he ruined my life. My parents let me metaphorically die with neglect and abuse. Then I became a madman online, living in fantasy and dreams, making sensational videos.

Thankfully, I'm certain there is someone powerful who is watching over me online. They're my guardian angel who saved my life by putting me in a simulation.

The Recent Protests

Whether you agree or disagree with the recent violent protests about the racially motivated murder. You can legally get a permit, organize a protest, use profound and sophisticated language... Sometimes "smashing a window at Target" is the only way people know how to command attention about the injustice.

When you're repeatedly stomped on then act in an irrational rage, the powers that be act like you're the maniac. They medicate you, put you in prison. They want power and control back, to silence you. As a society, we lack empathy.

There's no question there are good people in the world. But they often turn a blind eye to evil. Either it's too complicated an issue to tackle, or they're scared of the sadistic monster. The victim's life is sabotaged. Everyone wants to live their life with blinders on, pretend it's rainbows and butterflies until THIS HAPPENS. Some people blame the protesters, they don't want to dig into the REAL REASON.

This particular incident is racially motivated, but I also think inequality when it comes to money is to blame as well. There shouldn't be the incredibly rich, and incredibly poor (homeless). The homeless get so angry, and often craziness is the only way they know how to behave.

Kids who get bullied at school, like the Pearl Jam song Jeremy is another example.

I guess my point is to do good things, help good people rise. Don't let it get to this point. They have your attention now, though.

Rock Band

Saying I'll start a band is a metaphor for starting a club. Like a pro wrestling stable, or a sports team. A rock band like The Beatles is the example everyone knows. The same is true about calling me a rockstar. I could be a movie or a viral YouTube star. It's rich and famous.

Secret To My Success

This will have a happy ending like a feel-good Hollywood movie. The secret to my upcoming success is I hated my life so much that I was willing to do whatever it took to succeed. I wasn't afraid to risk it all. When I inevitably go viral real soon, it wasn't an overnight success. I worked HARD!

My stepdad and his perspective

I often view my stepdad as a MONSTER who ruined my life, causing my severe mental illness. But Dr. Natural suggested I try seeing my step dad's irritability from his perspective. I should ask myself: why is he getting these thoughts? Be empathetic and interested in his life. Then maybe our home life will improve. And I may even get that father figure I desperately seek.

Today after therapy, I was going to try exactly that.

I'm getting my car inspected. I tried handling it myself. But I need a new tire. Since I'm financially dependent on my parents, my mom had to call to pay. My stepdad was getting annoyed. He's irritated by my mom's involvement in the car situation, but I need her to be because I HAVE NO MONEY! He was treating me like I'm the bane of his existence, just a nuisance. He doesn't have any desire to form a bond with me. He wants me gone.

Then I heard him screaming like a lunatic at our mellow and calm toy dogs while they were outside. I guess the dogs annoy him? I don't understand why, most people would find them adorable, therapeutically pleasant, never a problem.

It's high stress, energy, then I go into a state of panic and emotion overtakes me. No one hears or validates me, I'm alone in my head, so I send raw and visceral posts to everyone on the internet. SCREAMING my pain. Most people don't care. 

In these moments, it's hard to have sympathy for my stepdad. He's so miserable. And he can't see anything from my perspective. But then I'll see a photo from Christmas where we're happy, or think back to him getting emotional about me in a loving way, and I'll start feeling guilty. But if I was in a relationship with my stepdad, I'd divorce him.

I heard Dr. Natural talk about his happy home environment, with his wife who is his best friend, which makes quarantine easier. That's my goal in life, not to feel like I'm walking on eggshells 24/7. 

This is why I need to take power and control from my mom and get financially independent, because I feel imprisoned in an unpleasant environment for years. I blame my mom for it. Sadly, my chains are internal, not maternal.

Thankfully, since July of 2019, I have an apartment-like that's area attached to my parents' house. Although they still pay for everything and I have no money saved in the bank, I get some peace and quiet. It's better than going into panic mode from my high energy stepdad all day long. 

But social isolation during the Coronavirus, and not seeing a person for more than 20 minutes every day, for months, is horrible for my mental health too.

I hope life gets better, not worse. It's hard to imagine a greater hell than what I lived through. Then again, my life is a horror story, so I expect the absolute worst.

Some Posts (05 25 2020)

Post 01:

Sometimes I become so overwhelmed with intense emotion that I have to send raw and visceral posts to everyone. SCREAMING my pain. The people who read it, most of them don't really care. I think it's accomplishing something, but in reality, it's only sabotaging me.

Post 02:

I've been imprisoned in an unpleasant environment for years, and there's no escape since I'm financially and emotionally dependent on my parents. I'm like a man-child. That's also the reason I'm frustrated and throw temper tantrums online. I need to take power and control from mom.

Post 03:

My posts are like an S.O.S. to the world, desperately asking someone to save me from this hell. I'm waiting for Godot, he's never coming. They'll be no magical Genie In A Bottle who appears to grant my wishes and make me a Hollywood A-Lister. That's a delusional pipe dream.

Post 04:

Society doesn't have much compassion for the mentally ill and homeless. It's very sad.

Post 05:

I'm sure mental illness from homelessness, a chaotic home environment, childhood bullying, even genetics is responsible for many crimes committed. You rarely hear about a happy, upper-class kid, who is getting the best doctors winding up in prison.

Post 06:

I heard Brian Wilson (of The Beach Boys) initially thought Carl's vocals on God Only Knows were too light and airy, he wanted them to be meatier and was about to do it himself. Until everyone put their foot down and convinced him it was fine. Lol.

I understand why everyone thought he was nuts, but I understand him. You need to FEEL every moment and vocal on the album - it can't be light and phony. No one else could hear what he was talking about and dismissed him as crazy. But I get it. You have to FEEL IT!

What a perfectionist!

Post 07:

There was a very talented professional wrestler who passed away in 2005, his name was Eddie Guerrero. Many consider him as one of the best of all time.

They've tried to duplicate and replace him, but they'll never be another EXACTLY like him. It's very sad.

They'll never be another you or me.

Appreciate people while they're here.

Post 08:

On a lighter note, I'm done wearing skinny jeans for now. They're too tight and uncomfortable. Maybe when the pandemic passes, or if I go into show business, then I'll resume for the image. But I'd rather wear a comfortable pair while I'm quarantining and isolating. Who cares they don't look as nice?!

My Step-Dad

Yes, the school bullies are the ones who got sadistic pleasure from my suffering. But my parents have the power and control and treat me like a man-child. They never "taught me to swim." They just let me metaphorically drown.

I'm so tired of my stepdad's attitude, he's a miserable man, and it's like walking on eggshells being around him. I'm also intimidated by him. My mom wants me to respect him. But he's been indifferent and neglectful towards me my whole life. When I was getting bullied, socially isolated in my 20's, I could've died from over-exercise - there was never any empathy.

Actually, on second thought I believe he resents me, wants me gone, blames me for being the bane of his existence. He has no sympathy. Before moving into my apartment-like area, being home was a constant state of chaos.

I want REVENGE SO BADLY for the hell he put me through, and maybe when I reach Lady Gaga-level fame from SCREAMING on the Internet, our dirty laundry will be exposed, and he'll be shamed for being a MONSTER.

Pearl Jam - Jeremy

My rock band, which is now called: "Indifference for the Kid" should cover Jeremy by, Pearl Jam. I think it'd be appropriate and powerful.

Some Posts (05 23 2020)

Post 01:

I see why people have to leave ex-girlfriends in the past. I'm developing a strong, close bond with someone new. It's amazing.

After the incident at the park, my ex-girlfriend asked me how I was, she wanted to chat, I wanted to chat... But I can't. I love my new friend too much.

Post 02:

I had some fun and happy memories with my ex-girlfriend. But I've met someone who's proven herself loyal, loving, and trustworthy - not fair-weathered. I must be the same for her. It hurts when people betray trust. I wouldn't want it done to me. I'll Be Good Johnny (Men at Work).

Post 03:

The experience with the sketchy man at the park was very unpleasant. I shouldn't have accepted anything he handed to me. He could've been nefariously poisoning me. Hopefully, the nightmare is in the past and no damage has been done. I want to live a long, happy, healthy life.

Post 04:

The root cause of my mental illness is getting sadistically bullied by the other kids in middle school. Everything stems and snowballs from that. That's the trauma that ruined my life. I'm still recovering at 32 years old.

Post 05:

I'm not feeling good and I want to SCREAM. I need help and socialization, and no one cares. I'm left alone to rot. Day, after day.

Post 06:

I'm like Dwane "The Rock" Johnson, I'm not interested in traditional acting. My goal is to be a Sensational Supervillain, that Spider-Man or James Bond has to defeat. I'm surprised Marvel hasn't hired The Rock yet, eccentric larger than life characters are right up his alley.

Post 07:

I should contact Sony or Marvel Studios and pitch my Cell Waters character as a Sensational Supervillain for a Spider-Man movie that doesn't follow Marvel's source material. Meaning, Cell Waters and the story is invented just this movie. I just want to be defeated by Spider-Man.

Guy From Park - UPDATE

I have an update on the guy from the park, who approached me in his car after seeing me with my camera. To no one's surprise besides me, he was interested in me sexually and wasn't offering me a job. 

When I called his number, his story kept changing from I'm looking from a photographer and videographer and when I told him I'm a performance artist, actor, comedian - it changed again. He was telling me a sob story.

My mom said he probably saw me in my tank top and tight jeans and is sexually attracted to me. 

I'm going to stop communicating with him now.

As for the business card, let's say hypothetically speaking he was a predator who's been watching me. He did SOMETHING NEFARIOUS just before handing it to me. Could I contract HIV? He did say, "don't worry there's no Coronavirus on it when he saw I was grossed out by it." Plus I have an open cut on my hand. I'm afraid there's something worse than Coronavirus on it.

I'm very upset because I feel unsafe like I could've contracted something life-changing. He was very nefarious and sketchy, was interested in me, but I need to let it go now. Realize everything's fine now. I'm catastrophizing and having a panic attack. NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN!  

I need to be more quick and smart in the future. I made a mistake. Now I know better. I hope I'll be fine. I wasn't using common sense. I shouldn't have even given this man the time of day.

Guy gave me his card at the park

I was doing my performance art in the park, and this guy offered me his business card to perform at this location that helps elderly people. I sent him a text letting him know I'm very interested in an opportunity to perform. I guess I'm naive and gullible.

His business card isn't regulation size. He's indicated he's been observing me. It seems sketchy.

I started to catastrophize that he sabotaged the card for nefarious reasons. He even mentioned there's no Coronavirus on it because he could see I got grossed out. Could he have poisoned it by doing SOMETHING SKETCHY just before handing it to me?

Should I get on Isentress and Truvada again (anti-viral medications)? Let's say hypothetically speaking this guy is a predator who has been watching me, and he lied. Could I contract something life-changing?

My mom said don't worry you can't catch HIV from that. I didn't put my hands in my mouth, washed them when I got home, but I do bite my nails (they're like open cuts). I also touched my keys and didn't think.

I shouldn't have even given him the time of day. I regret taking his business card now.

My mom said, "He s a fake....those are not real people he made this all up... I bet he tries to get in old people's home and steal.... omg no hiv is non issue him robbing our home is. Thank God we have an alarm. You gotta stop giving our info out your gonna get us killed.

HIV not an issue....I told u that but sicko people trying see if you have old grandma with $$$$ is his gig"

I need to learn - DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS IN THE PARK!

SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!

Some Posts (05 20 2020)

Post 01:
There's a hole in my life. It's frustrating. I'm irritable and want change. Did my mom INTENTIONALLY starve me of girlfriends, socialization, and fun? If not nefarious, to make me HUNGRY and motivate me? Or was it just an unfortunate situation? If she did it purposely, I'm ANGRY!

Post 02:

There're many reasons there's a hole in my life, and I'm a starving baby. Coronavirus, no social skills from getting bullied, high energy home environment. Maybe when I metaphorically eat food I'll be less irritable, then I'll become happy. Was this INTENTIONALLY done to me?

Post 03:

I'm told by doctors, I think the socialization hole in my life was INTENTIONALLY done to me for nefarious and sadistic reasons. The truth is, it's just a sad situation. When I finally get a life, I'll probably be a lot more pleasant and relaxed. I'm just so frustrated right now.

Post 04:

I have a hole in my life, I'm angry and unjustly blame my mom for doing this on purpose. In my mind, she's the bane of my existence. Reality is basic needs aren't being met, it's all I'm focused on, and I'm throwing a temper tantrum to get fed as a result. Once fed, I'll be happy.

Post 05:
I'm watching Tiger King. I noticed they're no ads in it. I need to stop wearing shirts with things on it. Plain shirts with nothing on it is important. Meaning, it'd be hard to get Marvel to ok it for a paid "Netflix documentary." It'd be blurred, unfortunately.

Some Posts (05 19 2020)

Post 01:

Since the Coronavirus began, I'm socially isolated, living the same day over, and over again, thinking how pointless my existence is. Right now, the suffering is enormous. I need to remind myself things will get better and happier days are coming. I must be patient and optimistic.

Post 02:

Coronavirus is like a "snow day" for some. However, I don't interact with ANYONE in person. That's the annoying part. I think sharing a house or apartment makes it easier since humans are meant to be social. Though, I hear a lot of couples are getting on each other's nerves.

Post 03:

I hate my life so much that I'm INTENSELY making sensational social media posts, metaphorically SCREAMING,  putting my all into it, with no results. It's discouraging and frustrating. I won't give up! I need a new strategy. It's not the content that's the problem. That's gold! 

Post 04:

It's no secret my goal is to be a movie star. I hope it happens soon. Haha.

Post 05:

The videos with my parents are snapshots of us at our best. If you saw the environment when the cameras are off, it's not always so pleasant. It's often a performance for the camera.

my performance art and my mom

I'm getting angry because my videos and performance art shine so brightly and my mom tells me what a loser I am, to be realistic, and won't pay for classes. I need to stop looking to her for validation and do it myself. It's just so aggravating, though.

How can she not see?! This is the ticket to freedom. It'll make me a millionaire, maybe a billionaire. It's not a delusion of grandeur. I'M THAT GOOD! Are my chains truly internal?

____

I hate when my mom makes the Jim Carrey loser and hellish life, to success comparison (rags to riches). It upsets me because there's truth to it. Were the chains that caused this torture all internal? Maybe I unjustly blame her for holding me prisoner. Maybe I'm to blame too.

Some Posts (05 17 2020)

Post 01:

I noticed there were a Pitchfork and a Republican Candidate poster in front of our house. I got predicate logic my parents are phonies, and on sly, they're sadistic bullies. I need to remind myself it's predicate logic. They love me. The SATAN IMAGE is the bullies from school.

Post 02:

I'm beginning to daydream and get horrifying panic attacks. Unfortunately, social quarantining and isolation are bad for my mental health, then I start to daydream. My parents are unbelievably loving and kind, far from the bane of my existence. 

Post 03:

I hate that they're nefarious and evil people in the world. Too bad life can't be like a feel good absurd comedy. There's a lot of sad and tragic events that occur.

ISENTRESS and TRUVADA

I was on ISENTRESS and TRUVADA in January after a health scare. There's no reason to believe I have HIV. I overreacted and shouldn't have taken the medications. Now I'm obsessing... do these medications CAUSE HIV? Did I give it to myself? I want to happy and healthy future.

My mother and the financial situation

My mom's in control of my money. In order to get my monthly money, I need her to go to the bank to retrieve it for me.

The reason I'm so worried about the money is I want to have money saved for when I go back to NYC. But I don't urgently need it, I'm afraid I'm going to be cheated out of money. And I don't trust my mom.

Then we fight, the delusions start to escalate. I think a rockstar is my biological father, it's nefarious, she's trying to sabotage me. 

Basically, I'm afraid I'm going to get gypped out of money I DESERVE.

I lose sight of she's providing me a beautiful apartment that I can't afford, car insurance, food, I have limited funds and she subsidizing my existence. The money she's providing me with is a GIFT.

The risk of going to the bank isn't worth it. If God forbid she contracts Covid-19 because of me, I'd be devastated and there would be little my doctors could do to help me recover. I'd feel so guilty and be overwhelmed with change.

Plus my mother has never swindled me out of money. She has a proven track record of being trustworthy.

My mom's reluctant to give me full control because she's afraid I'll over-spend and get into debt. She doesn't trust me.

Once I understand my financial situation, then my mom will be more willing to give me more control.

My mother loves me very much, realize she's NOT the bane of my existence.

Some Posts (05 11 2020)

Post 01:

I will not be friends with people who bullied or betrayed me.

Especially people who could have helped me but just allowed me to suffer, wasting what should have been the best years of my life.

This is trauma that will never heal. I am scarred for life. They are unforgiven.

Post 02:

If people bully and prank me, I'm desperate and fly into a rage - I'm afraid of what I might do. This isn't happy Andrew of yesteryear.

Playing a prank on someone that goes this far, messing with their mind is evil. I might legitimately snap.

Be a good person and help, not harm.

Post 03:

I remember talking to my psychopharmacologist about how many people in jail are mentally ill and need help, not to be caged. It's easier for society to incarcerate, but it's cold and inhumane. It's like nobody cares.

Post 04:

I make often make sensational posts anticipating all the re-tweets when I go viral and become so famous I can't go anywhere. I think to myself: this will be funny.

Maybe I don't grasp how crazy the Hollywood rockstar life will truly be. For now, it makes me laugh. Lol.

Post 05:

I'm proving a point about society with comedy like The Joker (from Batman) if he was a sweetheart superhero, not evil. I have Jerry Seinfeld-level jokes, but I like craziness too. I think my jokes are GREATER than Seinfeld (who many think is the best comedian of our lifetime).

Fight with mom over money

I'm sorry this fight over money escalated as huge as it did. But understand receiving my monthly money is very important to me. She doesn't see what the rush is with the Coronavirus. But it's been over a week. And it's driving me crazy.

She's doing it now, but it was like pulling teeth. I hope next month is much more pleasant. Maybe she should deposit a check at the beginning of the month instead? 

I'm not happy about fighting. It ruined my morning too.

My relationship with my Mom - what changed?

Something happened, my relationship with my mother changed. It used to be warm, loving, and happy. She would joyfully interact with me. Now it's cold, empty, sad, and miserable.

She's always yelling at me. Never has a happy word. It wasn't always like this.

Take mother's day 2020 for example, supposedly she's sick so she wanted to remain socially distanced and quarantined. But I didn't interact with her in person at all.

Something strange happened. Did my stepdad complain? Tell her he doesn't want me to be involved with her son anymore?

I rely on her to provide me with money. She hasn't deposed some of my monthly money into my bank account. It's been over a week. I'm getting OCD about that. So I called her and we fought over the phone.

Our relationship has been toxic and hellish. The home environment is not warm and loving, it's extremely unpleasant with small interactions that are hostile and negative. She views me as the bane of her existence. Never has a pleasant word for me anymore.

I don't know what happened to our relationship. I want a happy, loving relationship with my mom again.

In my opinion, the hell started when my stepdad became disabled in 2016. Now the home environment is cold, empty, and hellish. That's when things changed.

Some Posts (05 10 2020)

Post 01:

I actually don't edit my videos. I record and upload them as is. I'm more of a performance artist, actor and comedian than a technical photographer / videographer. Though, it'd be great to learn.

Post 02:

I had a great chat with my mom. It was a wonderful day, everyone was in a good mood. Plus I have an awesome friend from NYC. I'm so happy tonight. It goes to show positive socialization helps with negativity. Lately my days have been hard. Hopefully, tomorrow is like today.

Post 03:

I'm getting a bit discouraged with my videos. They're all in the same location and it looks stale. Need to go outdoors again.

Post 04:

I met a very good friend in NYC last year. I was getting emotional yesterday while half sleeping, how it's nice to have a TRUE friend. I haven't had many friends in my life.

She was telling me that I'm a good guy who deserves to have many friends.

I love my friend very much!

Post 05:

I had an infected hair on my hand. It hurt so I shaved it off. Now I'm obsessing it wasn't a hair, rather part of a hypodermic needle. I didn't use one. Maybe I stepped on it while walking, when I took my shoes off it stuck me, contacted something life threatening. It's a HAIR!

Post 06:

Happy Mother's Day to a wonderful mom. This road hasn't always been easy but it's always been warm, loving, and I couldn't ask for a better mom. I love you very much. 

Later today, we'll celebrate the day together with a BBQ, socialization, and a movie. I'm lucky to have my mom!

Post 07:

I sleep alone in an apartment. So I check my closet and under my bed before I go to bed to feel safe. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like someone was in my apartment with me, I started to get a panic attack, so I checked my closet and bed again.

Post 08:

I've never seen the movie Network but that clip was hilarious. The guy having a nervous breakdown on live TV reminds me of myself. Rather than receiving empathy from the corporate television network, they record it and broadcast it for ratings because it makes for fascinating TV.

Post 09:

Mother's Day was miserable because I didn't get to see my mom. She says she's sick and she avoids me, leaves me alone. I haven't truly interacted in weeks. It makes me ANGRY, then I start to daydream it's for nefarious reasons. It's prob it's because someone's whining in her ear.

Some Posts (05 06 2020)

Post 01:

I'm scared about my future. I think I'm protected, but I'm really not. It's an illusion. I have no money saved. And social media fame is a delusion. I'm scared and depressed.

Post 02:

Create art that's real, "sing" from the heart, pour your soul into it. Make it so jam packed with emotion and pain people notice. Don't create pretentious, phony and meaningless "lyrics." I'd rather hear something that has a simple vocabulary if it makes me FEEL.

Post 03:

Like or hate President Donald Trump's Twitter posts, you feel they're real and he's speaking from the heart.

Now Joe Biden and most politicians say the right thing, everything is written perfectly - but it leaves you feeling fake and empty.

Be real and pour your heart into it.

Post 04:

The secret to Brian Wilson's success with Pet Sounds is he feels every lyric and song with over-the-top intense emotion. Yeah, when you pour emotion into a song it'll shine, but maybe you need to calm your mood down a bit. He was too intense!

Post 05:

I can't stand the Coronavirus isolating and quarantining anymore. Something has to change. I'm suffering badly. Not as badly as people with the virus, but this sucks. I guess remain the course and this will be over soon.

Some Posts (05 02 2020)

Post 01:

In my previous email I made it seem like I wasn't taking my psych medication. That's not true. I'm totally compliant. I've been taking my mega regimen every single night since 2011/2012. Maybe my choice of words was weird, but don't get the wrong impression - I'm Be Good Andrew.

Post 02:

My frustrations made me irrational about my dad. It wasn't a bad day and most of the day was happy. They were just a few subjects that were a little weird. It triggered me into a rage-filled posts, now I've calmed down. I feel bad because I love my dad.

Post 03:

Once the rage-filled tsunami passes, should I take down the posts? I want to leave them up because I think it gives insight into mental illness. I want them to be developed into a movie. I also don't want them to be taken literally, because the delusions are like metaphors.

Post 04:

The Coronavirus has me frustrated and crazy because I'm socially alone most every day. I want to SCREAM and SHOUT!

Post 05:

When I take walks around the neighborhood, I pass people, I feel critically judged. A mother will say to her child, "walk faster." Or, a family says to children, "go inside now." Mental illness is misunderstood. They are afraid of me or laugh at me. But I'm SUFFERING IN HELL!

Post 06:

I'm in such emotional pain. I want people to hear me. Quite simply, I want to be understood and loved.

I want someone to say: "I know, Andrew. I understand. I'm here now. I love you (like a fairy tale)."

Fairy tales don't exist in real life.

My dad triggers bad mental health (Joe Exotic)

I spent today with my dad. Like usual, he triggered bad mental health.

In an earlier post, I told you how he was talking about the doctors who killed Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley by prescribing too much medication. He triggered me into thinking about my psychopharmacologist. Then I became delusional about a nefarious conspiracy.

He must do this intentionally because he finds it funny to upset me.

Then we began talking about the Tiger King - Joe Exotic. The story was out of control, and the guy wound up in jail for his craziness. I began to get predicate logic there were similarities with me and him due to my internet art. Needless to say, I'm terrified of jail.

My dad bought me some groceries, like cold cuts, milk, and bread. I'm becoming paranoid he poisoned them. I may throw them in the garbage since I don't want to die (I realize how ridiculous this sounds).

Maybe I'm a coward. I should assert myself, but I'm too intimidated and it becomes very uncomfortable if I do. So I internalize the frustrations and become delusional.

What's the answer? Just not see him? He isn't always bad. In fact, we had some laughs and he provides money. I usually see him every Saturday. He acts like it's a chore to see me. We never talk about anything significant. Then he disappears after a few hours and his life becomes a mystery again.

The key is not relying on my dad for socializing because he triggers extreme anger, which I internalize. Also, I must continue to develop friendships at the psychosocial clubhouse, get independence, and develop my own life. After all, he clearly doesn't want to include me in his. I'm merely an afterthought.

The abuse delusions were metaphors for my rage, and I was being medicated for the mental illness that developed from internalizing. Thankfully, with Dr. Natural we get to the root cause, rather than give me a mega "chemical lobotomy." And maybe my solution to post this publicly all over the internet isn't wise.

Dad finds it funny

No nefarious and criminal conspiracy is going on. But I'm beginning to think my dad INTENTIONALLY says things to trigger me and wind me up because he finds it funny.

My Psychopharmacologist's mega regimen of medication

I was having a conversation with my mom and dad about Dr. Nick, the arrogant doctor who killed Elvis Presley by prescribing too much medication. Then we talked about the doctor who killed Michael Jackson.

These doctors get paid a lot, become arrogant, think they're God - so they prescribe anything. Then the celebrity dies and they get sued and lose their license.

It triggered me to think my parents are doing something nefarious, and that's exactly what's happening with my Psychopharmacologist. I'm on a mega regimen of psychiatric medication, I began to get angry, thinking they get sadistic pleasure from my "chemical lobotomy."

I need to remind myself my parents love me, my doctor is trying to help me. Nothing evil is going on. The medications are helping me. This is predicate logic. 

Some Posts (05 01 2020)

Post 01:

I'm very frustrated it took me this long to wake up and become successful. I had so much potential, but they were serious about their craft at a younger age... I wasn't. I whined, complained, and took no action. It's sad I wasted so much time. But I'll come back with a vengeance.

Post 02:

Some people underestimate how smart I am and what I'm capable of achieving, then they get scared when they come to the realization... But they also underestimate what a sweetheart I am.

Post 03:

I create loud, sensational, in your face social media posts and performance art. Fans might assume I'm completely high energy and crazy. Actually, in real life, I'm low-key, calm, shy, polite, respectful, and kind.

Post 04:

I talk about myself too much under this account. Almost every post is about me. Perhaps I should try and focus on other people. But who should I talk about? And what should I say? I guess I'll start with: I love my Mom very much, she's a sweetheart.

Post 05:

It's really a tragedy how sad and depressing our household has become. I see everyone and think: how did it get this bad? We're all kind and loving people, so undeserving of this hell. Hopefully, better days are coming.

Post 06:

I'm double bookkeeping. I'm told my performance art on social media is not my ticket to superstardom, and realistically working at the psychosocial clubhouse is the path I should take. I feel like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys, too advanced, and they can't see my GENIUS!

Post 07:

While over the top, sensational, social media posts are the most entertaining thing for me, it also feeds my delusions of grandeur. I imagine there are undercover bosses viewing me, developing a screenplay. I'm going to be in an epic sitcom, in Hollywood movies.

Post 08:

I'm frustrated by my status in life. I should've been working and saving money since I was 18 years old. I'm dependent on my parents. I'm looking to take a shortcut and subvert this problem. I'll be instantaneously rich and famous, Mr. Hollywood, when the chain reaction happens.

Post 09:

Doctors, family, and friends can tell me I'm having delusions of grandeur. But I'm like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys. I just wasn't made for these times. I'm going to become Mr. Hollywood. They can't see it yet, soon they'll see. Don't underestimate the GENIUS!

Post 10:

How much BRIGHTER do I need to SHINE until people notice? I'm a superior talent to Justin Beiber, Jerry Seinfeld and Charlie Sheen - I'm a comic GENIUS. I'M SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS FOR SUCCESS. SOMEBODY HEAR ME!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post 11:

I'm extremely frustrated by my life. My solution is living in an internet fantasy-land and screaming on social media - this isn't working. 

I'm told to prove I'm a comic GENIUS, pursue stand-up in NYC, take an acting class. I'm trying so hard, my cries are falling on deaf ears.

Post 12:

The unfortunate reality is when I'm blindsided by the TRUTH - that I depended on my mom and have no money saved. I'll be devastated, overwhelmed, it won't be good. Somebody, PLEASE HELP ME!

Post 13:

To protect myself from my inadequacies and shortcomings (that I have a severe mental illness), I tell myself my parents are nefariously trying to sabotage me because they're sadistic bullies. Then I began to get extreme panic attacks they might have poisoned me. But THEY LOVE ME!

Post 14:

When I take walks around the neighborhood, the neighbors look at me like I'm COMPLETELY INSANE. People don't sympathize with severe mental illness. They laugh at it, are scared by it. I want sympathy, I've lived through HORROR and HELL. Somebody LOVE ME!