wasted time

I'm very frustrated it took me this long to wake up and become successful. I had so much potential, but they were serious about their craft at a younger age... I wasn't. I whined, complained, and took no action. It's sad I wasted so much time. But I'll come back with a vengeance.

Mr Art AND Is This Thing On?

Mr Art:

Is This Thing On?

My Dad's Disappointing

I'm 32 years old, I shouldn't be obsessed with my parents and get emotionally charged. Just let it go, but...

I call my dad every day and all he talks to me about is pro wrestling, sports, and Marvel (Superhero) movies. I'm growing out of this genre of movies. They're for young men, I'm more mature now.

He doesn't talk to me about anything of significance (like our lives) and he doesn't see my worth. For example, some of my posts that I'm developing into a screenplay he was very critical of, acting like I'm not doing well mentally. While friends said it was beautiful and well written. Must deeper than a Marvel movie. Marvel movies are popcorn flicks. They make so many, 3 a year. They're mediocre movies that generate lots of money.

Is my dad intentionally having pointless conversations for nefarious reasons? Or, is he simply disappointing? I want a more significant relationship, he can't give it to me - then I become angry and frustrated. I guess accept him for who he is.

Bullying Posts (04 30 2020)

Post 01:

I hated the middle school bullies so much for what they did to me and wanted vengeance so badly. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do. After the hell they've caused I deserve some kind of justice and closure. But the best revenge I can get is making myself extremely successful.

Post 02:

In a desperate attempt to get vengeance, attention and empathy, I self-destructed and messed myself up badly, developing a severe mental illness. Now I have a hard time relating to anyone or anything. It's almost comical if it wasn't so tragic.

Some Posts (04 29 2020)

Post 01:

The Coronavirus and social isolation is horrible for my mental health. I'm alone in my head ALL DAY LONG. Unfortunately there's no end in sight. This is A NIGHTMARE!  

Post 02:

I'm trying so hard with my art. I'm getting myself in "amazing fighting shape." I'm seeing the results but getting none of the attention. It's very frustrating. Someday I'll go viral. It's inevitable at this point. I'm THAT GOOD!  

Post 03:

Even slight success from my art would satisfy at this point. Enough money that I'm independent from my parents and self-sufficient. I have a feeling I'm going to be extremely successful all at once. They'll be no transition, it'll be instantaneous, like winning the "lottery."

Post 04:

I was told you can't love somebody else until you love yourself. I hate to admit it but maybe they're right. I'm incapable of truly loving anyone at the moment. I'm too self-centered. Hopefully, I recover, become happy, and have the capacity to love other people.

Post 05:

I lost my entire life up until this point to mental illness. 32 YEARS! Hopefully, better days are coming in the future. The Coronavirus has proven life is unpredictable but I'm optimistic... and in the end, we die. Life sucks! Lol.

Narrative

Control your own narrative. Don't like other people speak for you, they may be nefariously trying to sabotage you, or more innocently not understand your mind.

If you can't see the video, here's what it says:

Control your own narrative and don't let anybody speak for you. For example, when I used to go to doctor's appointments and when I was hospitalized my parents were controlling my narrative - putting their voice to my story. Now more innocently, maybe they just can't read my mind and they're giving an inaccurate portrayal. But what if they're nefariously trying to sabotage me? You might say this is fantasy and reality getting blurred. But my parents were controlling my narrative. I wasn't controlling my own narrative. That's what I need to do. Tell the doctors my story from my voice, my point of view, not have my mom dictate what's going on in my mind because my mom doesn't understand my mind. And what if it's nefarious and she's controlling my narrative for some nefarious reason? It's not always easy to speak up, especially if you're being restrained and constrained by a bully. It's not always easy to assert yourself. Society needs to change, maybe doctors need to do more. Is it like Stockholm syndrome? I just don't know.

I Want To Be Loved

My life is painful and sad. I'm a 32-year-old man-child, I have no money saved, have a severe mental illness. I'm on the path to devastation and doom when my mom can no longer take care of me.

I've experienced years of hell and horror. I was starved of friendship and love. Rather than realistically try and change my life, I live in delusion and fantasy.

My solution to the problem is to create sensational attention-grabbing social media posts that will make me instantly famous, then I'll be in all the Hollywood movies. l am told investing all my time and energy into this is a delusion of grandeur. Doctors, parents, friends, EVERYONE says this. It'd be like winning the lottery. I say to myself, I'm a GENIUS and no one can see my worth. I'm like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys when he was creating Pet Sounds, I'm just Wasn't Made For These Times, I'm too advanced for society.

The truth is I should've been saving money since I was 18-years-old, preparing for my parent's departure. I should look for a REALISTIC job. I blame my shortcomings on my parents, say they nefariously sabotaged me. It's my mind's way of protecting itself.

All human beings want to be loved. We can't function without love - if lacking we become sick and mentally ill. I learned this in my psychology class in college. Yes, my parents loved me. But that's exactly what happened to me, I had no friends or girlfriends in my childhood (because I was bullied). The "friends" I had betrayed me and abandoned me. Since I was alone in my head constantly, I began daydreaming, fantasizing, embellishing reality. I could no longer distinguish between fantasy and reality.

I started imaging people love me, like women from college, people from the past, even celebrities. To the outside observer, I look COMPLETELY CRAZY. But the truth is I just want to be loved.

I daydream about fairy tails. A secret admirer that's been watching me for years, they'll love me, hug me, take the pain away. It's protecting me from extreme sadness. 

I'm on the path to doom and devastation. I'm imagining I'm going to win the lottery. It doesn't matter my mom will go away and I have no money saved. I'm going to be a Hollywood Superstar. In fact, celebrities are already madly in love with me.

I want somebody to say, "it's okay Andrew. I'm here now. I truly love you." Like a fairy tale. But fairy tales don't exist. And this will end in disaster since my life is one big tragedy.

My daydreams won't protect me from the horrifying truth, that when my parents go away, it'll be a rude awakening. I'll probably create new fantasies to protect myself from the new hell.

____

I consider myself a comedian. I often behave like a clown - hiding my EXTREME SADNESS.

On a positive note, I'm starting to meet the first real friends of my life at the psychosocial clubhouse and may even get the first real job of my life soon. I've made progress. The key to recovery is live in REALITY, not FANTASY.

But here's a joke from the clown:

Listen to She Will Be Loved by, Maroon 5. It's a great song. We all want to be loved. I imagine I'm the woman in the song who is being loved by Adam Levine. Understand I identify as a man. I've just been hurt so badly and want someone to truly love me.

My Situation

I was dealt a very bad hand. I suffered from a severe mental illness in my teenage years and twenties. Now I'm 32 years old, disabled, and have no money saved.

At the moment, my mom provides me with a place to live and 600 dollars a month to spend. I'm comfortable under that warm blanket. But she's getting older, and when she goes away, then what? I'm on the path towards DOOM!

It's easy to say my chains are maternal, and she's the reason I'm not taking action. I even get psychosis that she's nefariously trying to sabotage me. The truth I'm overwhelmed, frustrated, and begin to panic. Blaming my mom is my way of distracting myself from the sadness of my situation.

Rather than accept I should've been working and saving money since I was 18 years old. I try to take a shortcut by creating social media posts that are so sensational and attention-grabbing, that I become a Hollywood superstar, win the "lottery", become rich and famous instantly. It's extremely unlikely and a delusion of grandeur.

Things are looking very bad but I must not get overwhelmed and frustrated. Set a realistic goal. Maybe ask the psychosocial clubhouse to become a peer counselor.

Work

Why don't I work? Because I feel protected and my money is controlled for me. I'm frustrated by the 600 dollars I'm given a month, but I'm also comfortable. When Mom goes away, the illusion I have money will shatter. I should look for work and stop saying my chains are maternal.

I went psychotic today but I'm better now

Today, I went psychotic. I was getting out of control but I'm better now.

The social quarantining and isolation from the Coronavirus has me alone in my head all day long for weeks. I start to daydream, the line between fantasy and reality becomes blurred, then I lose touch with reality.

What triggered the psychosis? I asked my mom if I could open a savings account, but she said "no" since there's a 25 dollar monthly fee. I began to get horrified thinking she's the bane of my existence. 

I just talked to my friend from NYC over the phone. She brought me back to earth. She talked me out of the psychosis. My parents are doing what's best for me. They're watching out for me. They love me.

I must start preparing for the future ASAP. That means to get a job. Maybe as a peer counselor at the psychosocial clubhouse. Also, I must socialize as much as possible to get a grasp on reality.

I want to leave the videos and posts I made when I was psychotic public online. I'm imagining a documentary will be made, and it gives great insight into mental illness. But I also don't want them to be taken literally. Should I take them down?

two-faced parents

My parents are two-faced. They're the sadistic bullies.

In front of doctors and people of significance, they pretend to be loving parents who are concerned about me. In secret, they're MONSTERS who are sabotaging my life.

They dupe experts, such as doctors. They even dupe me at times and I blind myself to the truth. But I get horrifying panic attacks and delusions when I realize reality.

I suspect a rockstar is my TRUE biological father. My mom keeps me a dependent man-child by controlling my money and not allowing me to start a savings account. She's torturing me by not allowing me to have a life, then when she dies I'll be overwhelmed by chaos and poverty. 

My parents gaslight me. Tell me I'm crazy and delusional. They SAY they love me. But they're EVIL. I think it's called Stockholm Syndrome.

My dad will buy cold cuts pretending to be considerate and loving. I suspect he's spiteful on the sly. Did he poison my food in some way? I've had such minimal fun in my life, and when I finally break free from my chains, I suspect I'll be damaged from my dad's poison. 

no savings account - mom's leading me towards doom

I have no savings account or credit card. I live on the 600 dollars a month my mom provides me with monthly. Needless to say, it's not much money. Since I'm going into NYC frequently, it goes FAST.

Next month, I'll get the stimulus check (Coronavirus) and will save some of that 600 dollars. My mom's telling me NOT to open a savings account. Why not? What am I preparing for? Dependency and doom?

I asked my mom, what will happen when you can no longer take care of me? She said I have no money saved.

The aggravating thing is I should've been working and saving this entire time. I just had the illusion of security and comfort. When my mom no longer is giving me that warm blanket, I'll be overwhelmed.

She's telling me not to work (stay under her disability), not to prepare (not open a savings account). I'm beginning to panic.

Then I start to imagine something nefarious is going on. This is just emotion overtaking me from an intense panic attack and frustration. But dependency on my mom is leading me towards doom. It's like I need her permission and approval. I feel constrained by her.

The TRUTH about My Mom

In front of doctors and important people, my mom PRETENDS to be an innocent and loving mother. Secretly, she's a sadistic bully that's sabotaging my life.

In my childhood and twenties, she intentionally tortured me by keeping me a man-child, not allowing me to make money or have a life.

My mom once said I have the illusion of security but it will shatter. Meaning, I feel protected at the moment. 

She's keeping me dependent on her, not allowing me to save money, and when she goes away, I'm screwed.

Basically, she tortures me while she's alive by keeping me a man-child. Then when she dies, I'll be overwhelmed by poverty.

She trying to sabotage me. She's the SADISTIC SATAN!

Doctors tell me my mom's not the bane of my existence and these thoughts are delusional. But she's duping the medical experts. PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES AND HELP ME!

Some Posts (04 27 2020)

Post 01:

The WWE narrative portrays David Arquette's world title win as a blasphemous and horrible event. Maybe it ruffled a few feathers within the industry, but people are still talking about it 20 years later. Nobody was talking about WCW at the time but they certainly were after that.

Post 02:

Being dependent on my mom to provide 500 or 600 dollars a month, and not being in control of anything else isn't preparing me for independence. I realize money needs to go to rent, car, etc. And I won't get in debt. I need to take control. Letting her be in control is doom.

Post 03:

Right now, I feel my mom wants to keep me a disabled man-child, dependent on her for nefarious reasons because a rockstar is my TRUE biological father on the sly. This is a delusional daydream. I'm frustrated, begin to panic, then my emotions overtake me and I become psychotic.

Post 04:

Some people don't live on planet Earth. For example, Donald Trump and Joe Biden are clearly in outer space right now. It's scary they're the ones who'll run the country.

Post 05:

I'm getting a horrifying panic attack that my mom's intentionally setting me up for doom when she goes away. She's making me dependent on her, giving me minimal money to spend, not letting me save anything to nefariously sabotage my life. I'm told it's a delusion, my mom loves me.

Post 06:

My mom once said I have the illusion of security but it will shatter. Meaning, I feel protected at the moment. 

She's keeping me dependent on her, not allowing me to save money, and when she goes away, I'm screwed. She trying to sabotage me. She's the sadistic bully.

Post 07:

In front of doctors and important people, my mom PRETENDS to be an innocent and loving mother. Secretly, she's a sadistic bully that's sabotaging my life. Doctors tell me my mom's not the bane of my existence. These thoughts are delusional. But she's duping the medical experts.


Post 08:
How much louder do I need to SCREAM and how much brighter do I need to SHINE before people validate my worth?! I guess the problem is seeking validation. Who cares if they can't see, I'll show the world what a rockstar I am.

Post 09:
They say: The sheep spend it's whole life fearing the wolves, then is slaughtered by the shepherd. I was afraid of people in the world while my mom was comforting me like a warm blanket. Dependency on her is what I must fear. When she goes away, I'll metaphorically be slaughtered.

Post 10:
My parents say: you'll never be a millionaire. Yes, I will. Haven't they seen my art?! Worse than that, they want me to be disabled under child status my whole life. At the very least, I should be working a middle-class job and making my own life, I have so much to offer society.

Post 11:

I want to SCREAM. I'm in HELL. I want somebody to make me a SUCCESS. I have to do it myself. Nobody can spoon feed me a life.

Charlie Sheen Shirt (04 26 2020)

Unfortunately, I wear my new Charlie Sheen-looking shirt while socially quarantined and distanced. I wish I was wearing it in the city with friends, looking handsome. Things were going so well before this Nightmare began. I HATE YOU CORONAVIRUS!

https://photos.app.goo.gl/vm9uJ7JRu29Tqz8o6

Some Posts (04 26 2020)

Post 01:

I get horrifying panic attacks my parents are PRETENDING to save me (in front of doctors, for example). But on the sly, they're NEFARIOUSLY TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY LIFE. This is a delusion, my parents are not evil sadists, they love me very much. The SATAN image is school bullies.

Post 02:

I'm working on a screenplay that's kind of autobiographical, but kind of fiction (if that makes sense). I'm very proud of it, it has potential, but still needs work. I wish I could share it, but I'm advised to keep it private at the moment. My goal is to develop it into a movie.

Post 03:

It might be fun to metaphorically "beat me up". I may have deserved it from some people and welcome it (because of 2011). The truth is I'm the sweetest and nicest guy ever... don't tell anyone, though.

Post 04:

According to expert professionals. The best in the business. The trauma that caused my mental illness, and ruined my life is getting bullied in school.

Post 05:

I had a good 30 seconds where I couldn't recall if my birthday was July 24th or July 25th (it's the 25th). I know the medications affect cognitive functioning but I'm afraid I'm developing scary Joe Biden-like dementia. I want to know I'm on planet earth when I'm 40 years old.

Post 06:

We supposedly have freedom of speech in the United States of America. But in 2020, social media is many peoples voice. It's a privately owned company, and if the gatekeepers don't like your point of view, they can suspend your account and silence your voice. This must change!

Post 07:

Social isolation from the Coronavirus is not only causing anxiety and frustration. But I'm alone in my head a lot. When that happens, I start to daydream. The line between fantasy and reality becomes blurred, and I become lost in delusion. Real-world socialization is important.

Post 08:

My parents are NOT the bane of my existence. They love me very much. When I feel frustrated, I look for someone to blame. They're the easy target since they're here and care. They're far from perfect, aggravating and agitating at times. The truth is: they're not evil bullies!

Post 09:

I get delusional daydreams that somebody is editing my stream of consciousness social media posts into an epic screenplay, and when the time is right, my secret admirer will reveal themselves, and we'll make the epic movie. This is a delusional daydream. I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!

Is My Mom Controlling My Money For Nefarious Reasons?

Right now, my mom is in complete control of my money. She was providing me with 500 dollars a month to spend. After complaining, she's starting giving me 600 dollars. It's not much money. It's very restricting and constricting.

My mom's reasoning is I'm crazy, disabled, and incapable of controlling finances. That's ridiculous! I'm a college graduate. I know you must set money aside for rent, car insurance, etc. If you don't have money, you get evicted, and can't live. I won't get into debt either.

I want to work as a peer counselor at the psychosocial clubhouse. Sell some of my artwork. Be an independent adult. My mom's never even let me try. She's making me dependent on her.

Having money gives you the ability to live life. She's holding me a prisoner by being in control of me. When I express STRONG DESIRE in getting independent, like today, she yells at me, tells me I'm a loser. Why I can't be in control. And how she needs to control me. She starts yelling at me like an incapable idiot. Overwhelming me. She tries to make things seem more complex than they actually are.

I start to imagine it's nefarious. Maybe she wants me to be a dependent manchild because a rockstar is my true biological father. Maybe she's sabotaging my life.

However, maybe it's more innocent. Her not wanting me to get into debt, not having trust in me. Mommy protecting her baby. But I'm 32 years old, I CAN DO IT. I have to fly from mommy's nest eventually and get independent. If I don't I'll experience doom and devastation if I don't take charge... but yeah, it's nefarious.

President Posts (04 24 2020)

Post 01:

I look at people in positions of power, like the President of the United States (Donald Trump) - he's a clown. I'm much more intelligent and woke.

Post 02:

If you can be the President and not realize drinking bleach and injecting disinfectant is toxic, then I think I have the potential to win. Cell Waters 2024!

Post 03:

I should start writing a comedy screenplay where I play a loud, obnoxious, incompetent, bully, buffoon, joke of a President. I wonder who the inspiration behind the character would be? Lol.

Post 04:

#FBF

November 8, 2018.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/7WpQrBPgSCYCrT5v6

Flashback to that time I made videos telling people NOT to drink bleach or eat tide pods. I was ahead of the times.

I'd make ANOTHER video, making a joke about current events. But I don't have access to the bleach at home, parents won't grant permission.

psychoanalysis

I made a video praising psychotherapy and CBT psychiatry because it's been so helpful for me. 

A comment on YouTube said: they don't understand why people still do psychoanalysis, implying it's a waste of time. It really upset me.

I actually find psychoanalysis to be more meaningful than psychopharmacology. Yes, it's more time consuming, but I feel validated and heard. Rather than just a crazy patient with symptoms to medicate. In CBT, we find the root cause of my illness. 

It's amazing the progress I've made working with my doctor for a little over 3 years. I'm able to come out of delusions much easier, explain my symptoms, why I get certain thoughts. Verbalize everything in an intelligent way.

People who think it's a waste of time are ignorant. It's miracle work. I wish more people would pursue this field.

Some Posts (04 20 2020)

Post 01:

Some say I've been irritable and cranky lately. I guess the social isolation from the quarantining has me very frustrated and I'm taking it out on others unintentionally. When my life becomes more positive, I'll become Labrador puppy Andrew again.

Post 02:

Somebody said The Breakfast Club is the greatest movie of all-time. So I joked:

You must not have seen The Incredible Hulk with Edward Norton, because that's clearly the best movie ever made. It's almost divine, a masterpiece sent by the Gods. Now go watch and enjoy perfection.

Post 03:

I wouldn't say I hate everyone in real life. But I struggle to fit in and find people I relate to. It's very frustrating. They're some cool people, though.

Post 04:

I fear I’m never going to be happy with my life.

Post 05:

I saw a Clickbait website report that Marvel Studios (Disney) was able to get the distribution rights for The Incredible Hulk back from Universal. Obviously, the website wants views but there's often truth to what they report. Can anyone confirm or deny this? Please make it true!

Post 06:

Go ahead, mock my old posts and videos. I'll be the first to admit some were horrendous. But they were a catalyst that got the ball rolling. I kept practicing, improving and improving. No one's a master when they first begin, not even me. But now I am truly THE MASTER!

Post 07:

I used to think I'd get plucked from anonymity to star in the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME for my stream of consciousness text messages and social media posts. Now I realize that's a delusion. I'm living in a fantasy-land. I must pursue acting and comedy in the REAL WORLD!

Post 08:

I imagine important people are viewing my stream of consciousness social media posts - like major motion picture companies, undercover celebrities, or even friends. They're secretly editing them into an epic screenplay, then they'll surprise me and we'll make the movie (delusion).

Post 09:

I hate when I get to know someone or something, and then it’s yanked away, and I become devastated by the loss.

Examples of this: friendships ending, giving away pets. 

I become attached and the loss is very painful. Unfortunately, my greatest losses are likely still to come.

Post 10:

Soon enough this chapter will be over, and inevitably this story will end.

Post 11:

An Environmental Reminder: The air we breathe is polluted… That is all.

Post 12:

Our bodies and minds change. I read nothing in our bodies is the same after 10 years. At what point are we completely different people? People who knew me a decade ago don't know me anymore. Yes, I still have the memories. Should I even have my birth name anymore (Andrew K.)?

Some Posts (04 19 2020)

Bunny drawing:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/KmN7rUsMmt2zQp1JA

Post 01:

I'm not sure if I'm a socialist.

I believe if you work hard and have a good idea, you should have a little more. But there shouldn't be homelessness and the ridiculously wealthy.

The rich should be nerfed, and the poor should be buffed. No extremes in either direction.

Post 02:

I agree you should be rewarded for working hard and having good ideas. But no extremes. It's absurd some have so much money while there's homelessness and poor and struggling people. Ending greed and eliminating this is just common sense. How much do they truly need? It's selfish.

Post 03:

I constantly get horrifying panic attacks that people are sadistic monsters - friends, family, even objects that could infect with a virus. The true SADISTIC MONSTERS who ruined my life, traumatized me and started this descent into madness are the middle school bullies.

Post 04:

Looking at the social media profiles of middle school bullies, it seems they've changed their life, and they're now religious. In hindsight, I'd imagine they regret ruining my life, but hindsight is 20/20. Back then, they were mean-spirited, sadistic and wanted to traumatize me.

Post 05:

I need to take power and control. People try and live my life for me. They'll never stop doing it... until I put an end to it myself. Say, enough! And take charge of my life. Being dependent on elderly parents will lead to devastation if I don't make significant changes ASAP.

Post 06:

On my walking route, there's a needle attached to a blood-like container. It looks like somebody gave blood (or something). I noticed it changed to the other side of the sidewalk. Since I'm one of the few people who walk this route, I'm catastrophizing the worst-case scenario.

Post 07:

I feel helpless and powerless, on the path towards failure, afraid about my future. I must take control before I sink lower than rock bottom. Nobody can save me... but me. 

I'm angry people weren't letting me do it on my own already. Stop blaming others. I know I can do it!

HIV / Aids

I'm a massive hypochondriac that's terrified of contracting HIV / Aids. To me, HIV is a worst-case scenario. I haven't had much fun in my life. If I become HIV positive, my life will change SIGNIFICANTLY - very few women will date me, I fear I'll have no friends - it's like the end of the world as I know it.

When I take walks, I'll see needles and condoms, and I'll be afraid I stepped on them. In NYC, air conditioner water will drip on me. Or someone will accidentally spit when they talk. There was a carton of milk, something that looked like dried blood on it, I washed it off, but it got on my hands. I'm afraid people are trying to nefariously infect me, by poisoning my food for example. 

Basically, I have horrifying panic attacks HIV is all around me, on everything. I'm told this stems from childhood bullying. Even my body is bullying me and making me feel unsafe. It's an exhausting way to live.

Did my parents intentionally sabotage me?

I often believe my parents intentionally stifled, sabotaged and suppressed me.

Take performance art, acting, and comedy for example. I was SCREAMING that's what I want. It's not rocket science to realize that was the intention with my videos and social media posts. Were they gaslighting me (convincing me I'm crazy when I'm really sane)?

The same is true for wanting girlfriends and a social life. It doesn't take a genius to know that's what I was crying out for.

In front of health care professionals, they had their "I'm an insane, disabled son" narrative. I feel like they were INTENTIONALLY holding me prisoner and sabotaging me, making me dependent on them, keeping me a man-child for nefarious reasons. They are why I had a psychotic break, now my parents are trying to re-write history.

Doctor's tell me I need to stop blaming my parents. It's not their fault. It was my responsibility to pursue performance art and socialization. I have to live my own life. They aren't the bane of my existence... But I think they INTENTIONALLY prevented my fun. 

Is this a delusional panic attack daydream? In reality, I am free to do what I want. I'm blaming my frustrations, inadequacies, and shortcomings on my parents. I'm full of sadness over how my life turned out. I want somebody to blame, so I say my parents sabotaged me intentionally. It would be nice if they were the one, and the only bane of my existence. Then there would be a court case and I would put my parents in jail for the pain they caused. The reality is, they love me, want the best for me. I'd feel guilty putting them in jail because of all the happy times. And they're lots of people to blame, such as childhood bullies (who truly, no question, got sadistic pleasure for my suffering). I must even take responsibility for some of this as well. It's not mommy's responsibility to spoon-feed my life to me.

There's going to be no grandiose, magical, court case. There's no sensational comic book supervillain. I'm not going to be this heroic, completely innocent and righteous victim the entire nation sympathizes with (like Spider-Man). This is fantasy, this is a delusion. It's not black and white, it's shades of grey.

Some Posts (04 17 2020)

Post 01:

I think back to people I knew years ago. Since then, I've lost touch with reality, began living in a daydreams. I'm not the same person I once was, for better and worse. I still have the happy and sad memories.

Post 02:

Loss of a loved one can be DEVASTATING. It may not seem like it now. Eventually, you'll move on. Though, they're still people I feel strongly about. I've just "forgotten" about them because I had to.

Post 03:

I guess every doctor thinks their area of expertise is the correct way. For example, a psychopharmacologist will think think you need medication. While a CBT psychiatrist performing verbal psychotherapy will think it's related to traumatic past experiences that can be talked out.

Post 04:

These Zoom video appointments with doctors are like highway robbery. It's a half hour, unprofessional, conversation in their living room. They probably just rolled out of bed. Then they get a huge check for little to nothing. No wonder parents want kids to be lawyers and doctors.

Post 05:

In comparison to a decade ago... the years of trauma killed me, and changed me. In some ways for better, some ways worse.

Post 06:

I’ve always known that I’m brilliant. But I was sitting back expecting success to be delivered. Finally, I decided to do something about it.

Post 07:

When I was very sick mentally (2011), I was like Old Yeller. A kind, happy, loyal dog. But then I contracted “rabies.” I was "foaming at the mouth." My parents and friends were saying while crying, "good boy, now go into the hospital." Hopefully, my story ends positively, though.

Post 08:

If you view my life through comedic lenses, I’m sort of like a sitcom character. I'm a 32-year-old man-child, I leech off my Mom/family, have outrageous antics, and she enables this crazy arrangement to continue. Unfortunately, this is not a comedy and it's really very tragic. :(

Post 09:

I often get an idea to start a task. Such as, attempting to get published in the journal PSYCHOSIS, or take an acting/comedy class, then I never complete it. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to spoon-feed me. No one can live my life for me. I have to take control and do it myself.

Some Posts (04 16 2020)

Post 01:

I'm 32 years old but since I have a severe mental illness, I'm dependent on my parents for survival. I expect them to comfort me and satisfy my frustrations. When they don't, I blame them. I blame them for my inadequacies and failure. I need to get a life and stop being obsessed.

Post 02:

A friend is trying to explain to me they won't put me in movies just because I'm talented and make sensational videos. I might "sing" well but I need background and training. I must learn the industry. I won't be magically plucked for superstardom. I don't know everything already.

Post 03:

I'm passionate about acting and comedy, and I'm waiting to be plucked from anonymity for movies from internet. That's unrealistic and delusional. I need to take the first step and that's enroll in acting classes. Stop crying. No one will spoon feed me. Learn acting and comedy.

Post 04:

I have no experience in acting and it's arrogant to think I can become a leader right away. It takes years of hard work and dedication. It's a pipe dream to think I'll be in the biggest film ever just because I make interesting social media posts. Get a grasp on reality.

Post 05:

My doctor said to stop with stream-of-consciousness social media posts and videos and try to get published in the journal PSYCHOSIS. I have good starting points. Work hard for success.

The same is true for acting. I say I'm going to do it, then never do. Life is passing me by.

Post 06:

I often become afraid people are going to nefariously try and sabotage me based on past internet mistakes. I cry why did no one help me. My doctor said he, my parents, and friends are helping me. But no one can magically fix my situation. I am responsible for my mistakes.

Evil “Friends”

This is NOT a delusion or fantasy. It's REALITY!


I had "friends" from Levittown, NY who were/are PRETENDING to be my friend, but they were sadistically bullying me through internet forums (Audio and Anarchy back in 2008 / 2009) and text messages.


I suspect they were sharing the conversations with the people who sadistically bullied me in middle school, who are responsible for my mental illness.


What they did was nefarious, a crime, and I could sue them over it. Unfortunately, I had no one defending or sticking up for me. It resulted in me having a psychotic breakdown.


Foolishly thinking they were my friends, I've made silly posts about them, often referring to them as The Swell BoyZ. They are not my friends. This is going to be a chaotic mess. But I'm the victim here.

Some Posts (04 15 2020)

Post 01:

I was looking at my childhood photos and became triggered that my parents nefariously tried to sabotage my existence. The reality is my parents love me very much, they aren't sadistic bullies - the kids from middle school are the SATAN IMAGE in my mind.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/1HH32oqjJ73NXPae8

Post 02:

Childhood photos my Dad took (my parents were separated):

https://photos.app.goo.gl/QSG2WEaxasW43mwE9

Post 03:

When I become overwhelmed by anger and frustration, I begin to get panic attack daydreams that my parents are the bane of my existence, who try to sabotage my life, and it's because a rockstar's my TRUE biological father (KEPT SECRET FOR NEFARIOUS REASONS)

https://photos.app.goo.gl/DkW246NLvwVA8X5X9

Post 04:

Sometimes I think my parents are PRETENDING to be loving parents for their defense in the upcoming court case. The reality is they're going to turn heel on me like a professional wrestler, or like Mysterio in Spider-Man. They're not on my side.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/LxHfKBefhqaHJaCd7

Post 05:

I realize much of my anger and frustration becomes embellished when I daydream, and it becomes a delusional panic attack. My dad is my biological father and my parents love me very much. But why are they so neglectful? Since the Coronavirus began, they've left me alone to rot.

Post 06:

I'm usually initiating cell phone calls. It feels like my parents never call me. I begin to daydream this is intentionally done for nefarious reasons. They'll try to portray me as obsessed and crazy in court to cover up their crime and rewrite history. (Delusional panic attack)

Post 07:

Interestingly enough, when I vent my frustrations and express myself, even if it's completely delusional, the emotion that overtook me like a tsunami begins to calm down, it passes, then I go back to normal. Unfortunately the damage is done and I upset people when I get this way.

Post 08:

By throwing delusional temper tantrums through crazy social media posts, I actually improve my mental health. I become so overwhelmed by anger and frustration that I want to scream. If I internalized my thoughts like I did years ago, I'd get sick. I'm venting years of suppression.

Post 09:

Screaming on social media might seem very unhealthy. The reality is, I could be doing far worse things - like over-exercising, suppressing my thoughts and frustrations until I finally snap. Thankfully, I'm letting it out on the internet, even if it's often delusional.

Post 10:

When somebody's full of rage and frustration, there's no one to talk to, and they are alone in their head all day... I'd say crying on social media is healthy. Even though it might raise a few eyebrows to the observers.

Post 11:

I've just released my frustrations on social media, now I'm attempting to have a more positive and happy night. I'm trying to put the HORROR behind me and focus on happy things. Hopefully, my goal for a good evening is successful and I have peace.

Post 12:

Contrary to what these social media posts might make it seem, I'm a warm and loving guy, with the temperament of a Labrador puppy. I'm always laughing, and if you're kind I'll like you. 

Yes, I get confused. But I'm not scary at all. If I didn't verbalize you'd never know.

Post 13:

I was watching elephant videos. They're so adorable. It was making me smile and happy. I love elephants.

Post 14:

I love potato chips with onion dip. It's so bad for you. But if I had one day left on Earth, that's what I'd eat. A massive amount.

Post 15:

My psychopharmacologist feels I should take Clozaril because of the psychosis that crippling me. I'm considering it. Unfortunately, we can't start it yet because it requires weekly blood tests (Coronavirus preventing that). I'm afraid of gaining weight and all the adverse effects.

Some Posts (04 13 2020)

Post 01:

I'm obsessing I acquired a life-changing virus. Maybe I unknowingly stepped in something in the bathroom. Or someone intentionally poisoned me. I must remind myself, although anything is possible, the likelihood is very slim. It's a hypochondriac, intrusive thought, panic attack.

Post 02:

Ever since starting the Latuda, I infrequently get intense night terrors and sleep paralysis. I can't wake up and if someone tries to, it feels like my mind would be damaged. Also, I can hear voices - like God or Satan, it happens every few weeks, and only while I'm sleeping.

Post 03:

Some people think psychiatric medication is a magic pill or panacea that cures severe mental illness when you take it. It's often portrayed this way in movies. The reality is, there are many adverse side effects. One must weigh the positives and negatives before taking it.

Post 04:

I use Zoom for video chat. A friend is afraid to use it because of the security breach rumors. I think that's propaganda spread by Facebook. My doctors use it and they're afraid to get sued. I highly doubt anyone is interested in our uninformed political and sports discussions.

Post 05:

I am very voyeuristic. I like to imagine people are observing me online - like friends, undercover celebrities. Even if someone was spying on a video chat, as long as they weren't trying to sabotage me in a nefarious way, I don't mind. Maybe we could even turn it into a movie.

Post 06:

Ever since the Coronavirus began, I barely interact with anyone. I'm alone in my head most of every day. So I begin to daydream. Then I start living in an inner-delusional fantasy-land. I can't wait until I have a life in the REAL WORLD again and get a grasp on reality.

Post 07:

I'm left alone, to rot, in my apartment-like area. My parents are willfully blind, neglectful, and don't care how bad my mental health gets. I desperately want someone to help me. Unfortunately, it's my responsibility to make my own life.

Post 08:

My social media posts are often like a temper tantrum. I'm extremely frustrated, like a baby that's hungry. I want food to satisfy my hunger. It's all I can focus on or think about. I'm going through hell from the self-quarantining and social isolation. So I throw internet fits.

Some Posts (04 12 2020) - Easter and Coronavirus Isolation

Post 01:

I was sitting outside with my family this Easter. Our interaction was frustrating and aggravating. I felt super-charged, wanting something more. They were slow, boring and drained of energy. Talking about the most boring topics ever. I want a life aside from elderly parents.

Post 02:

I'm expecting someone to rescue me from this hell, but I have to rescue myself. A friend from years ago, a celebrity, a company like Disney isn't coming. I'm waiting for Godot. The Coronavirus sucks, but things will go back to normal soon. Then I must achieve success MYSELF!

Post 03:

I'm like a baby that's hungry, and I have no other point of view besides, my parents must be punished for my suffering. I'm told: "All human beings start life with this psychology and we regress back to it under the pressure of personal sorrows."

Post 04:

I unjustly blame my parents for my suffering. My doctor says I tell myself "if my mother stopped doing what's causing me pain, then I will feel fine, and my life will unfold like a happy ending to a feel-good movie."

The reality is my parents are NOT the bane of my existence!

Post 05:

I feel lost and alone. My friends from NYC are far away. I want somebody to comfort me. I'm making huge mistakes, need help, and nobody is helping me. I'm in such PAIN!

Post 06:

A rockstar is NOT my biological father. My mom keeps saying, "no", my dad gets hurt. It's especially cruel to get this delusion during this time. I'm frustrated and disappointed with my life, want to be a rockstar, then start to daydream. I NEED help, I'm angry no one's helping.

Post 07:

I'm frustrated with Coronavirus isolation I want to scream and cry. Be positive, optimistic, let go of the frustration. We're all in this together, unless you're Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking a cigar in a jacuzzi, or quarantined with a significant other - maybe we're not the same.

Post 08:

Soon the Coronavirus nightmare will be over, my best days are ahead of me, I'll take the comedy world by storm. I'll start a family, have a life, be in movies. It was close to happening, then THIS. It'll pass, sunny days are on their way for me, and hopefully everyone.


Post 09:
To be frank, I wish I had a life during this difficult time. The companionship of a woman, independence from my parents, success and fulfillment. It'll come, this nightmare will end, sunny days are coming. Right now, I'm like a frustrated, hungry baby - throwing temper tantrums.

Some Posts (04 11 2020)

Post 01:

Yesterday was National Siblings Day? All these special days are getting out of hand. What's next National Hard Seltzer Water day?! If that becomes a thing then I'm moving to Mars.

Post 02:

I'm blurring fantasy and reality. I don't even know what planet I'm on anymore. Mars, right? With dementia like this, the Democrats should nominate me to run for President in 2020. I'm just as fit as Joe Biden. Come to think of it, Donald Trump too.

Post 03:

I never had a childhood, suffered in my teenage years and twenties, and made myself a success without help. I'm afraid undeserving people, who enjoyed their life, are going to profit off my hard work - like opportunistic and lucky people from my past. Oh well! Life's not fair.

Post 04:

When my Mom wants to get the truth out of me, she tells me to: “swear to Grandpa", instead of God. Basically, her logic is I will tell the truth because I don’t want the guilt of having sworn to him while having lied.

“Swear to Grandpa” is her perfect lie detector test. Haha.

Post 05:

It’s so easy to make a mistake or for something to go wrong in life. Humans aren’t perfect and life isn’t a smooth sail. It’s especially bad when a mistake follows you. An instant or a bad period shouldn’t define who someone is but sometimes it does.

Post 06:

There are shock jock radio shows that do something controversial for attention, expecting the moment to pass and be forgotten. But the mistake follows them for the rest of their career. It's constantly brought up. I wonder if I've made a blunder, that I'll regret, that follows me.

Post 07:

My friend asked me if I'm a psychopath or sociopath. I actually asked my doctor this question, he said "no." My traumatic past experiences and frustrations warp my empathy because I'm very angry. But when I come back to earth, I definitely feel emotion, and that includes guilt.

Post 08:

I was frustrated and angry at my parents, so I began throwing a temper tantrum online, and blamed them for being the bane of my existence. I'm like a baby that's hungry. I don't see all the good they've done. I'm hungry and want food. So I cry and throw a fit until I'm fed.

Post 09:

In the front window of our house, my mother drew Jesus with the words "Hear Our Prayer" (about the Coronavirus).

In my opinion, she can't be serious and has to be trolling. I don't think she believes in God and it seems so hypocritical.

I hope this is a sincere prayer for help.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/sywTzve1nSrnmq9J9

Post 10:

I must continue to remind myself, my parents are not the enemy and they love me very much. Try and see all the good they do and empathize with them. Don't throw a temper tantrum like a hungry baby, saying: "I'm hungry, so mommy must be punished for my hunger." She's on my side.

Post 11:

I was socially isolated, so I began living in daydreams, then the line between daydream and reality became blurred. Was it genetics? Did I go crazy from bullying and social isolation? What came first the chicken or the egg? Nature or life experience? Maybe a combination?

Post 12:

Back in the day, there are people I may have upset. Bear in mind, I was very sick and I'm sorry. This is Eric Cartman getting vengeance on Scott Tenorman torture, sadistic and over the top. I need to remind myself no one is getting vengeance, this is just frustration daydreams.

Post 13:

Right now is the most pain I've ever been in. There's no end in sight. I'm remaining optimistic, trying to exercise, create art. Social isolation is driving me CRAZY. The Coronavirus nightmare will be over soon. Things will get better... I hope!

Post 14:

When the Coronavirus is over, I'm imagining the delicious Salmon pizza from the expensive Italian restaurant. I'll get TWO San Pellegrino orange soda drinks. I'll "Tend The Rabbits on the farm" (from: "Of Mice and Men" by, John Steinbeck). It's a daydream that'll never happen. :P


Some art:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/cVMsp7m1gA9EU8Hk6

https://photos.app.goo.gl/pKfw2ksj9o1Ms9dBA


Post 15:
I noticed the jeans my mom bought for me are "INC stockholm skinny fit." Obviously, my mind jumps to Stockholm syndrome, then her sadistically torturing me throughout my life. This is a predicate logic delusion, my mom loves me very much, there's no intentional message with jeans.


Post 16:
WWE has come to terms on the release of Cell Waters. WWE wishes him the best in his future endeavors.

OR

Pink Floyd has replaced Syd Barrett with David Gilmour.

At least I'm self-aware. Trying to relax and calm down now. :P

biological father - suspicions

I asked my mom, "Can you be 100% honest with me. Swear to God, swear to Grandpa, dad (Bob Koloski) is my biological father. Because something is happening. I want to feel like I earned it myself." 

Unless it's my dad who secretly helped me.

All daydream delusional suspicions.

Some Posts (04 10 2020) - in a simulation?

Post 01:

I feel like I'm in a simulation. Meaning, I should've gone viral years ago, but someone prevented that. I didn't realize it at the time. It would've destroyed me. At least, I hope someone powerful is protecting me and this isn't a delusion. THANK YOU!

Post 02:

If what I suspect is true, I'm in a simulation, and my account is being stifled and hidden until I get well. Please help me clean up my social media accounts before I go viral. Let's have a happy ending.

Post 03:

There's a mystery about what happened? Who saved me? When did they discover me? Why did they protect me? I have suspicions, but that's all it is at this point, assuming these posts aren't delusional daydreams too.

____

Post 04:

The social isolation from the Coronavirus is getting me sick. But it's what we must do, unfortunately. I'm so frustrated and exhausted. I keep trying so hard with my art. Maybe someday I achieve the success I'm fighting for so hard.

Post 05:

I've struggled so much, for such a long time. The sad thing is I was beginning to make a lot of progress before the Coronavirus. Now I'm socially-quarantined and isolated. Hopefully, society goes back to normal ASAP, then I turn my life around for the better.


____
Post 06:

Things were going well. I can't believe the Coronavirus happened, this is such a NIGHTMARE.

Self-quarantining and social isolation is HORRIBLE for mental health. I begin daydreaming and can't tell what's daydream and reality.

At least I have my physical health intact... so far.


Post 07:

I must stop obsessing about all the Coronavirus negatives. Considering the times we're living in, I'm doing ok. Walking around the neighborhood, creating art, have the internet, food, clean water, and shelter. I talk to friends and family over the phone and through the internet.

My step dad's a sadistic alpha

My step dad's a sadistic alpha who likes having power and control.

He puts a block between me and my mom, wants to be the dominant male. Mom can deny it and get angry at me for expressing this, but it's reality. I feel alienated from her like I have no relationship.

He bullies me into submission and wants mom all to himself. He may not even realize he's doing it. But I hate him for it.

My Parents

My mom and stepdad are extremely high energy, the home environment is chaotic. I'm dependent on them for survival since I'm disabled with severe mental illness. Despite being 32 years old, they treat me like a child. I'M NEVER RIGHT IN THEIR EYES!

My stepdad is extremely difficult to be around. He strict, opinionated, always has to be right, never lets you assert yourself. He wants all my mom's attention, and he views me with animosity. It's like walking on eggshells being around him.

My mom lacks empathy. If you try to get any sympathy from her she'll say, "you think your life is bad? Let me tell you about my life." Hey mom, I can suffer and go through hell too!!!!!!!!!

I was home all day, every day with them for years. They were getting irritating and agitating. My doctor said the environment was like a powder keg. Thankfully, I got some privacy and now have an apartment-like area which they provided. But they leave me alone in the apartment-like area. They never interact with me anymore.

When I try having a conversation with my mom, I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells because of my stepdad. He's an alpha, always over my shoulder, I feel intimidated into submission. I want to scream stop stifling me. If I express myself, they gaslight me, tell me I'm the crazy one. It might not be sadistic or intentional, but it's like walking on eggshells. 

As a result, I run and hide from my parents. It's chaos being around them.

I need to remind myself they love me and don't get sadistic pleasure from my suffering.

Sadly, I'm traumatized from the past few years when I had no friends, no job, just living in daydreams in a hellish home environment. Now just being around my parents (especially my stepdad), triggers me into angry smoulderings. He's just a cranky old man, not the bane of my existence. 

The Coronavirus has everyone self-quarantined at the moment. I'm alone in my head. The key is don't be socially isolated, socialize, get a life. I can't wait until things go back to normal and I see my friends again because my frustrations are overwhelmingly EXTREME.

 My parents are who they are, don't expect them to give me a happy life. They've already proven they can't.  

Superstar

Years ago I said, "I want something that people around me can’t see. I know it’s achievable – but they just can’t grasp it."

It's still very true! I will be a Superstar soon. Despite people trying to stifle and restrict me, I believed in myself and kept fighting for my dreams.

I have to stop asking for permission and approval. Don't ask, "may I please be a Superstar?" Show the world I'm the most epic Superstar ever - if they can't grasp it yet - soon I'll PROVE IT, with or without their blessing.

OMG Caffeine

My mom can’t have caffeine because of her heart. She was drinking this beverage that she thought was decaffeinated.


We hear her say: “What?! No! The bottle says: OMG caffeine” (thinking she just drank caffeine). We start laughing at her. It really said 0 mg (milligrams) caffeine.

Mom and Dad – heroin / drug addicts?

Mom often shelters us, babies us and tries to hide the truth. I suspect her and dad were heroin / drug addicts, dad may still be. That's the reason for the divorce. Since she wasn't exactly a hot commodity, a former addict with kids - she re-married my stepdad - who did nefarious and intense things in the military - has extreme PTSD. It's like walking on eggshells being around him but she needed his money.


With that said, they're just imperfect people. They love us and want the best. They're people who live with sadistic bully patents. That's not true for us.


Or is this fantasy and imagination? Nobodies ever TOLD ME THIS verbally, but down deep I know it to be true.


On top of that, I was getting bullied in school. Developed a severe mental illness.


I was dealt a bad hand. Lol.

SADISTIC MONSTER

I don't trust people. I'm afraid everyone I get close to is going to TRANSFORM INTO A SADISTIC MONSTER. It hurts my ability to have meaningful relationships.

The majority of the time I have a loving relationship with friends and girlfriends. But then I get horrifying (sometimes delusional) panic attacks they're pretending to be my friend, but they'll take off the loving mask, then reveal they're evil and betray me. I'm able to dispel that somewhat easily. Most people aren't understanding as to why I become so overwhelmed and horrified.

It's not as easy to dispel with my parents since my frustrations are RAW and VISCERAL. My parents aren't perfect, but they love me very much, and their good far outweigh their bad. They aren't SADISTIC BULLIES who intentionally tried to sabotage my life.

The reason I have the SADISTIC BULLY thoughts engrained in my mind is that kids in middle and high school physically, verbally, mentally traumatized me and ruined my life. I was in a constant state of panic. "Friends" who were supposed to be my friend betrayed me because I was unpopular to be associated with.

As a result, I developed severe mental illness. Began having extreme social anxiety, insecurities, and panic attacks. So I hid from the world at home, in my bedroom. Becoming frustrated with my family, blaming them for being the bane of my existence. The true bane of my existence are the bullies - unfortunately, there is nothing I can do. They're long gone.

To comfort myself from the harsh reality I was living in, I began living in daydreams. Imagining I'm going to be a Hollywood superstar... Sadly, I've wasted years waiting for Godot to save me. I'm 32 years old, I've lost my teenage years and twenties fantasizing I'm going to be rescued from this hell. Nobodies coming.

Even now, I'm imagining I'm already famous while writing this - that this post is a rough draft for my autobiography documentary movie. Doctor's tell me it's a delusion.

If I want a REAL LIFE then I have to live in the REAL WORLD and overcome the barriers that cripple me - such as anxiety, panic attacks, delusions, and dependency on my parents. When this awful Coronavirus pandemic is over, pursue acting and comedy in real life. Don't blame my mom for my inadequacies. I must stop living in fantasy and daydream online in my bedroom.

I've been dealt a bad hand. Unfortunately, I need to play the cards I've been dealt.

In Their Prime

When someone is their prime, in the thick of life - you don't Imagine anything can happen to them. The reality is: life is fragile and anything can happen.

My mind jumps to rockstars who died at the peak of their careers. Celebrities are insignificant and trite examples - but they're well known. Your friend "John Smith" from down the block isn't as universally known.

I'm going to narcissistically compare this to me:

Right now, I'm in the prime of my life. I'm 32 years old, very handsome, and making the best art of my lifetime. My fans don't think an accident could happen and there could be a final video - I hope that's not true - but it COULD HAPPEN.

For example, the Coronavirus. Back in January, we never Imagined life would change this significantly by March. I could get the Coronavirus and...

Then all of a sudden, the videos would stop. It won't seem real at first, but they'll never be another video. It's OVER.

My point is, we're all mortal. Even people in the prime of their life aren't invincible.

Try to be empathetic and sympathetic to EVERYONE, even people who are experiencing good times. We're all fighting in the game of life together. There's no need to be envious and jealous. In the end, we're all doomed.

You can write some pretentious lyrics, and act arrogant - like John Lennon’s - Imagine… but a rockstar's wealth won't protect them from the GREAT BEYOND! Nobodies: “More popular than Jesus.” Meaning, even John Lennon isn't God, and he's certainly not invincible.

And that is What It Is to my rant!

Ryan Reynolds and Medical Workers

Actor and comedian, Ryan Reynolds made a tweet that said: "My daughters wanted to be Avengers. Now it’s Healthcare Workers because, “they’re the real heroes”.  Well, in 20 years, who’s gonna defeat a menacing, no-nonsense CGI villain, backdropped by sincere musical swells? I’m not supposed to say it out loud, but kids are dumb."

I'm a fan of his and think he's very talented. But he knows he wouldn't give up his acting job to be a medical worker. His acting job is a lot more fun and pays better. Who wants to be working at a hospital during the Coronavirus pandemic? But medical workers are ESSENTIAL and NECESSARY. If there's complete chaos, society won't be laughing at Deadpool's snarky and immature jokes.

It's disgusting how well entertainers are paid, while people who are risking their lives are making barely enough to survive. Ryan Reynolds is probably in his jacuzzi, smoking a cigar, while on Zoom with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tomorrow he'll sing John Lennon's Imagine on camera to show he's suffering just like us - the ordinary people.

Many people CLAIMED to be empathetic to the social isolation and hell I was living through. Now when they're experiencing a mild form of it due to the Coronavirus, they're having a meltdown. Ironically, I'm the one who is doing OK since I'm used to the chaotic, socially isolated hell. Maybe now they see how strong I truly am and can TRULY EMPATHISE.

Until you live through something can you truly understand it? Does a wealthy entertainer who's been famous their whole life know what it's like to be a medical worker during the Coronavirus? Of course not. They're not TRULY EMPATHETIC.

I'm A Hypochondriac And It Drives Me CRAZY

I'm a massive hypochondriac. Yes, it's partially passed down from my mother who is too. But my psychiatrist tells me the other children at school would bully me, and this is even my body bullying me. Basically, I feel unsafe in public, a result of bullying.

One of my biggest fears is contracting HIV / Aids because I fear that'd be the end of my life. I've had limited experience with women. If I contracted HIV, my life would change drastically.

I fear people might be sadistic bullies who might try and infect me - such as my father by poisoning my toothbrush or a girlfriend. I need to remind myself they love me. No one is trying to harm me INTENTIONALLY. 

However, I also fear accidentally acquiring the virus. For example, if I use the urinal in a restroom, and urine splashes back onto me - I catastrophize, become overwhelmed and drive myself crazy.

I've been walking around the neighborhood because of the Coronavirus. I saw a condom (that I might've stepped on), I saw a needle looks like someone gave blood (didn't step on it) - again fantasy and daydreams get out of control. I drive myself crazy imagining I acquired HIV from these objects.

Today, I was making videos in the park where sketchy homeless people hang out. I stepped on a muddy, grassy area. My shoes and socks got muddy and wet. Then I came home, used disinfectant on my shoes, but didn't take my socks off. I touched my socks, then touched my mouth. My imagination began to run wild, I'm afraid someone might've urinated where I stepped. Did I accidentally put HIV or Coronavirus into my body?

Back in January, I stepped on a sharp object in a lounge in New York City. It went through my shoe, and into my foot. I wasn't a nail or a screw. It was probably some debris from the floor. I began catastrophizing that it might've been a hypodermic needle, and I went on Isentress and Truvada for a month. It was very unnecessary and I was being overly extreme to control my panic. 

My hypochondria and panic attacks are extreme torture that drives me crazy. In some ways, I wish I could stay home, safe and sound, and never experience any danger. Unfortunately, then you'll never have any life experiences - good or bad.

Dad - Delusional Coronavirus Panic Attack

In middle and high school, I was severely bullied by the other children. I had no "real" friends in my teenage years and twenties. As a result of social isolation and poor social skills, I was constantly alone in my head and began living in fantasy and daydreams (delusions).

Some of the daydreams can be comforting, like imagining a major motion picture company is getting ready to hire me for a movie, or a pop superstar is madly in love with me, or a rockstar is my secret biological father. 

However, other daydreams can be horrifying and frightening. 

I usually the man who I believe to be my real dad, once a week, for a walk and lunch. We talk everyday over the phone. But our relationship is very disappointing.

Since I didn't want to be in the grocery store due to the Coronavirus, and I'm running low on supplies, I asked if he could buy me some groceries. Like: milk, ground coffee, dishwashing soap. He did, and he also bought cold cuts from the deli. He dropped it off, then left since he was feeling sick.

I didn't think he did anything nefarious... at first. And was happy with the deli meat, so I ate a sandwich. But then my mom said, you can get the Coronavirus since the kid at the deli counter could be high in the viral load.

My imagination began to run wild. I began to get a horrifying panic attack. Maybe my dad's trying to infect me with Coronavirus. Or worse than that, maybe he poisoned the deli meat with ricin or HIV / Aids. Now I feel like I'm getting sick (probably hypochondria).

Then the thoughts escalate even more, maybe he's not my biological father. Maybe Billy Joel is my real biological father (delusion, obviously). Maybe that's why he's poisoning me.

I need to realize my daydreams are getting worked up.

The reality is my dad loves me very much. He isn't doing anything nefarious. In fact, what he did was kind... even if getting deli meat was a little dumb.