Artwork (05 30 2021)

All Alone (05 30 2021):

We All Will Die! (05 30 2021):

Welcome To My Planet, Sexy Alien (05 30 2021):

Sk8er Boi (My Moms Coloring) (05 30 2021)

Sk8er Boi (My Moms Coloring) (05 30 2021):

Comedy Show

I wasted a lot of time deprived of friendships, socialization, money, independence. Wearing manchild superhero t-shirts that I bought at Hot Topic, at home, blaming my mother, pouring my life down the drain. It's horrible. It's time I can't get back.

I've recovered a lot since then. A tremendous step I've taken is a standup comedy class. At first, I had severe stage fright... But lately, I've been confident, from practicing, and practicing.

If you want to buy a ticket to my comedy show, here's information on how to do it.

There are lots of performers and tickets are selling out fast. You'll have to do it ASAP.

It will be an "in the real world" accomplishment.

My psychiatrist was so proud of me and my progress that he actually bought a ticket. I'm aware people who live far, like my NYC friends, probably can't attend because it's Levittown, Long Island. And that's ok. I just want to share my progress.

Hopefully, on the day of the show, I'll "kill it" and will shine.  

Hope to see you there.

Remember recovery isn't instantaneous, it's like "moving sand." Lol.

Some Posts (05 20 2021)

Post 01:

In therapy, we've come up with a new term for the sadistic persecutor who sadistically tortured me, frightened me, and gave me intense PTSD... I was using "Adolf Hitler", but that's incorrect and might offend people. So we've revised it to "Freddy Krueger."

Post 02:

In case you have a hard time analyzing my artwork, which it doesn't take a rocket scientist to analyze... I feel so defective and damaged, I want to fit in, it's an INTENSE CRY FOR HELP.

Post 03:

When you scream screams of horror, often psychologists and psychiatrists would rather dismiss you as their client instead of helping because they're afraid to lose their license. Or give lip service, help you just enough so they can't be sued. They want the problem to go away.

Driver's License

I submitted a scanned copy of my driver's license to a website that I discovered is run by fraudulent con-men. I really don't want to go to the DMV to get a new one. Can I get my identity stolen this way? Or don't worry?

I Didn't Enter Comedy College Tonight

I'm about to quit my comedy class. I feel so defective and unfunny. I'm afraid I'm horrifying everybody in the class and they're all looking at me critically like I'm a mentally ill freak.

Yes, I'm hilarious when I'm comfortable, but I'll have a massive panic attack while performing on stage in front of an audience (stage fright). I want to leave and hide at home.

Tonight, I got to comedy college, sat in the parking lot, was having a panic attack, so I left. Now I regret sitting at home.

That's the story of my life, leaving work, social situations, hiding in my bedroom, safe and sound.

While I'm comfortable and don't have to face any bullies, I'm wasting time and pouring my life down the drain in a fantasyland.

The longer this goes on, the more damaged I feel. I don't fit in anywhere it seems. Help me!

UPDATE:

I won't officially quit. I wouldn't be funny tonight. I'd have a massive panic attack. Then feel like everybody is focused on me critically. I'll have a breather then return next week.

Comedy College jokes (Revised)

My teacher streamlined my jokes, made revisions, and added jokes throughout. I'm set to perform this in June.:

__
Comedians often joke about race…religion.
 
You joke about who you are.
 
My jokes will be about severe mental health challenges
 
I told my psychiatrist I have something wrong with me.
 
He’s been a shrink for forty years, he said “I’ve seen everything”
 
… NOT THIS!
 
(pause)
I have the Andrew Diagnosis…
 
…It's a mixture of OCD…
 
… mania
 
…depression
 
…germaphobia
 
…Schizoaffective
 
And… oh yeah…
 
I’m bipolar.
 
Psychiatrist (Shocked and serious): OH MY GOD! …
 
YOU'RE A MONSTROUS CREATURE!!
 
But he salivates…
 
…. He wants to help me.
 
Cure me of…
… the Andrew Diagnosis.
 
What he fails to realize...
 
It’s permanent.

My CONDEEEETION is forever.



It’s really embarrassing when I go to a doctor other than my shrink...

The cute 20-something-year-old nurse asks...

"What medications are you on?”

Latuda...

Lithium...

Lamictal...

...wait... that's just the "L"s

25 letters to go  

… when I get to the “R”s…
 
I can feel her judging me

In her mind, she’s already swiped left

Then she asks: 

"...any illness?” 

Yes, psychiatric. 

“Bipolar”? 

Yes. 

"Depression?" 

Yes.

“Ever been hospitalized?” 

Yes.

"For what reasons?"

Psychiatric reasons.  

I can save some time…

I’ll tell you the two I DON’T have!

A few minutes later heard her mumbling in the hallway with another nurse."

Well, it was either her or a voice in my head.

They ask: "What's wrong with him?

Is he Frankenstein?"

No, I have the ANDREW DIAGNOSIS!

It's like nothing you've ever seen before.


I'm 33 years old and I mostly sit around
 
… watching my life pass me by.
 
My dad tries to give me advice…
 
He says: "you need to pull the trigger."
 
That seemed like good advice…
 
Until I mentioned it to my psychiatrist
 
Apparently .. pull the trigger is really bad advice…
 
For someone who’s depressed
 
He said: recovery is not instantaneous, like the pulling of a trigger.
 
It's more like moving sand.
 
Erosion can occur (a setback).
 
Moving sand?! That sounds zen and Buddhist.
 
He could've at least said constructing a house.

Of course, I’d probably construct my house on sand…
 
And that wouldn’t work out well.
 
So I’m following everyone’s advice and trying to move forward with my dream…
 
Stand-up comedy…


I’ve never really fit in…
 
Back in High School, I loved professional wrestling.

I know… Oily men in their underpants…
 
…Holding each other close
 
While hoping for submission…
 
Using moves like
 
The Mandible claw …
 
And the Chicken wing cross face….
 
…kinda weird.
 
But I loved it!

My favorite wrestler was Mordecai.
 
He was a crazed, religious zealot…

And I used to imitate his crazy rants!
 
I also worked for tips as a bagger at a supermarket.

If I didn’t get tipped…
 
… I'd smash their bread…

… and crack their eggs.
 
All that destruction was stressful…
 
So when I took a break I'd let it all hang out.

I'd do wrestling impressions in the mens room mirror
 
One day, I was doing Mordecai…
 
“ SINNERS! FORGIVE THEM, FATHER... BUT I WILL NOT.”

All of a sudden, I hear…

Ummmm… Are you ok out there buddy?
 
Embarrassed, I ran out.  
 
But the guy runs after me and says

"I was inspired by your religious message. I'd like to join your religious cult."
 
I told him I was quoting Mordecai.

I'm not a religious nutjob.

I’m a wrestling nutjob!

But I did accept his generous donation
 
Because I’m not a total nutjob


Speaking of nutjobs…

My mother…

She can’t have caffeine
 
Because it makes her beat us faster

No, I’m joking…

…she has a heart condition and caffeine could actually kill her.
 
One day, she was sipping a beverage.

She glances at the ingredients and screams…

"What?! Oh no! It says OMG Caffeine!!"

She thought it said OH MY GOD, Caffeine.

It actually said…

…0mg caffeine.
 
… 0 milligrams of caffeine.

What type of twisted beverage company would write OMG Caffeine on their packaging?
 
Personally, that's what I want in my coffee.
 
I want OH MY GOD, CAFFEINE.
 
A massive amount.
 
That's what I get every morning...
 
…the Nitro Cold Brew.
 
…That is OH MY GOD, CAFFEINE.

...By the way, the nurse came into the supermarket

...I was her bagger

...She purchased eggs

...I WON!


The caffeine is OMG…

But my health is WTF!

And OMG… you’ve been a great audience!

Taylor Swift

 

Photo Class Photos (05 17 2021)

 Massapequa:

Bird:

Motorcycle:

Broken Record

A man-child

Mommy taking care of me

Wanting to remain this way

No responsibilities

Running from reality

Both literally and metaphorically

In a daze

Same day over and over again

Then a storm happened

Chaos

Craziness

The storm passed

Then a new broken record

Videos and social media posts

Nothing’s changing

Frozen in place

Dependent on parents

House of Cards

It will tumble

Creating a new storm

A worse storm

Wasting time

In a daze

When will it happen?

A decade from now?

Will it light a fire?

Or will it be doom

I’m resisting motion

Almost frozen

This broken record on skip

Until the house of cards tumbles

Socialization is the key to recovery

Protected by mommy

Attached to her

Lots of love

Happiness

Parents divorce

Loss of self-esteem

Weak and anxious

Target for bullies

Cruel kids

Verbally abusive

Punch me

Harass me

Want to hide

Walking on eggshells

Safe at home

Resenting parents

Lost time

Alone in my head

Fantasy-land

Avoiding the real world

In NYC

Criminals

Scary people

Danger

At work

In public

Everybody thinks I’m crazy

Critical

Unsafe everywhere

Want to be alone

Going crazy from solitude

HELP ME!

Socialization is the key to recovery

Artwork (05 15 2021)

 Feared (05 15 2021):

WWE World Champ (05 15 2021):

My Dads Colorings

 Just A Box Of Love (My Dads Coloring) (05 13 2021):

My Dads Coloring (05 15 2021):

Remake Starbucks

I asked a barista to remake my drink twice in less than a month. I was having OCD contamination fears. Would you change Starbucks? Or apologize to him? Do you think he might spit in my drink? I apologized and called him "buddy" in a friendly way. I'll stop asking from now on.

Religion

I want to think there's a heaven because then my suffering won't be in vain, but it's probably POWER OFF, it's over.

Jim Jefferies joked: Why would Satan torture Adolf Hitler or Osama bin Laden? He should make them the billionaires of hell.

Think of how many people would be in heaven. Would it be young me? Old me?

Again, I want to believe there's a God and heaven, but there are too many holes in this story. It's poorly written fiction the wealthy used to control the poor.

Some Old Posts (05 14 2021)

Post 01:

My dad often tells me that I don’t like myself and it really bothers me. As a metaphor, he’s photographed me by trash cans and porta-potties. Maybe he’s projecting his thoughts onto me? But I DO LIKE MYSELF. I’m so cool, and not like the Jonas Brothers. I’M REALLY COOL!

Post 02:

An example of predicate logic:

At the gym, I saw a guy in a t-shirt that said “genius.” There’s no reason to think it’s related to me. But I began to think it’s someone from a company like Disney undercover, saying my art is genius and we're going to make an epic movie soon.

Post 03:

For years, I've been saying isolation, stress, and frustration have given me an illness in my brain, not just mental illness, something life-threatening – like cancer or an aneurysm. I just made an appointment with a neurologist because bad mental health affects physical health.

Post 04:

An example of predicate logic:

On social media, a podcast posted: “You’re Gonna Go To Jail!” It was the name of their episode. It's unrelated to me.

It triggered me into thinking I'm going to jail. I’m terrified of jail. I wouldn’t do well there.

It has nothing to do with me!

Post 05:

I’ve been very sick for a while now and if it results in jail time that’d be tragic. I’m trying to recover. Transform my life from rainy to sunny. I'm an exhibitionist who wants to tell his life story, delusions included. Have I crossed a line? If so, when? What should I delete?

Post 06:

I’m trying to live a clean and healthy existence, to make a full recovery in the REAL WORLD. I was solitary, alone in my head, living in a fantasy world online. I lost touch with reality. I’m coming back to earth. I hope I won't regret my past! I hope it'll be a movie, not jail.

Post 07:

If somebody resembles a friend from years ago, somebody I really want to see, the stranger can become them in my mind.

It's even true for celebrities. At the coffee shop down the block from the psychosocial clubhouse, I've daydreamed Taylor Swift and Sacha Baron Cohen were there.

Post 08:

Internet avatars (anonymous accounts) can become celebrities and friends from years ago. I can be interacting with a nefarious psychopathic cyberbully who wants to harm me, and I'll be daydreaming it's "Taylor Swift" or a friend from years ago undercover playing a prank on me.

Post 09:

I didn't do anything that will lead to jail time.

But my doctor joked if I used the "I thought I was interacting with Taylor Swift" defense in court, it wouldn't hold up even though it's true.

People don't understand or empathize with mental illness. They'd say: lock him up!

Post 10:

I keep asking the kids at Starbucks to remake my drink. I joke that: "I'm crazy and a germaphobe", then call them "buddy." I'm afraid they're going to start to resent me.

In fast food, if people don't like you, they might intentionally spit in your food.

Contamination fears!

ATM

 ATM:

I Must Erase Her From My Life, New Beginning, Delete (05 13 2021)

 I Must Erase Her From My Life, New Beginning, Delete (05 13 2021):

bad headaches

I'm getting very bad headaches. I really want to see the neurologist ASAP and to get an MRI.

I'm not exaggerating. The headaches are excruciating and frustration makes it worse. It could even be the meds? It feels like my brain is on fire and is about to explode. It's been going on for months, maybe even years now. 

I'm afraid I'm developing brain cancer, will have an aneurysm, or something like that.

Some Posts (05 12 2021)

Post 01:

I have to submit to my parents since they have power and control, it's like walking on eggshells, they're cold and empty, irritable, cranky, don't understand me. I'm home 24/7 with them. A disabled adult child. So I began living in a delusional daydream world in my head.

Post 02:

Living on my own would be good in some ways, bad in others. I have a beautiful apartment in a safe neighborhood. My parents leave me alone, solitary most days. I can do my art. I guess I desire more socialization and independence. I'm starting to make progress in that area.

Post 03:

For years, I was in a small house with my irritable parents. I was miserable, they were miserable. So they built me an apartment with their money. I'm in there since July 2019. I still say "home with them 24/7" because I'm traumatized from those hellish years. Now I'm solitary.

Post 04:

My apartment is attached to my parents house. I'm literally right next door. I hardly see my family. When COVID-19 happened, aside from my mental health friends, I wasn't seeing anyone, not family, NOBODY IN PERSON. Thank God for mental health friends, they made solitude easier.

Post 05:

Maybe I don't realize how lucky I am. I have a bathroom, plumbing, washer, dryer, a kitchen area, TV sitting room area, a bedroom, closet. I'm just frustrated by solitude and being financially dependent. I want more friends. I'm starting to meet them. I made tremendous progress.

Post 06:

Most people don't like being on camera. You'd be surprised. I ask family, friends, EVERYONE - they hate it. I guess I'm a rare breed. I'm a natural, make it look good. I guess that's why they pay actors the big bucks.  

Meds

Meds:

Comedy College jokes

Comedy College jokes:

African American, Mexican, Asian... comedians often joke about their race.

Jewish, Muslim, Catholics... often joke about their religion.

You joke about who you are.

I suffer from severe mental health challenges, so many of my jokes will be about this.

Joke 1 - Andrew Diagnosis:

Me: I have something wrong with me. I don't know who to tell or what to do.

Psychiatrist: I've been doing this for over forty years. I'm a hardened psychiatrist. I've heard everything in the book.

Me (dramatic and super serious): NOT THIS!

(pause)

Me: (now silly): I have the Andrew Diagnosis. It's a little bit of OCD, a little bit of mania, a little bit of depression, a little bit of germaphobia, a little bit of Schizoaffective, a little bit of bipolar.

Psychiatrist (Shocked and serious): OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A MONSTROUS CREATURE.

Then over time, he changes his tone.

My doctor begins salivating at the mouth. He wants to help me. Cure me of the Andrew Diagnosis.

What he fails to realize... the Andrew Diagnosis is permanent. There is no helping me. My CONDEEEETION is forever.

Joke 2 - The Mordecai Story (WWE):

When I was in High School I loved professional wrestling. I know, grown men in their underwear grappling with one another. It's a little weird. But I love the sensational characters and over-the-top entertainment. 

There used to be a character named Mordecai. He was a religious zealot, the anti-Undertaker, a lunatic who did things in the name of religion.

Also while in High School, I worked as a bagger at a supermarket. I worked for tips. When somebody wouldn't tip me I'd smash their bread and crack their eggs.

Some people think bagging groceries is simple work. It's actually hard work, very strenuous. 

By break time I was fatigued, I'd go next door to the Subway restaurant (a sandwich shop). Before eating, I'd go to the bathroom, and start to unwind, relax, I'd let it all hang out. I'd do silly impressions of wrestling in the mirror when I was alone.

One day, thinking I was alone, I did a dramatic and over-the-top impression of Mordecai. 

I said: SINNERS! FORGIVE THEM, FATHER... BUT I WILL NOT.

All of a sudden, from a stall, I hear somebody call out: Are you ok out their buddy?

  

I left the bathroom ashamed, embarrassed, afraid to see the man.  

As I began to eat my sandwich, the man comes over to the table and says: "I was inspired by your religious message. I'd like to join your religious cult."

I said to him: I was quoting Mordecai. I'm not a religious nutjob.

Joke 3 - OMG Caffeine:

My mother can't have caffeine because she has a heart condition. It could cause her heart to flutter, she could even die. She can't have coffee, tea, chocolate.

One day, assuming it was decaffeinated, she was using this squirt in her water bottle to flavor her beverage. She began sipping it.

Then said: "What?! Oh no! It says OMG Caffeine."

She thought it said OH MY GOD, Caffeine.

We were skeptical, so we took a look.

It said 0mg caffeine.

It meant 0 milligrams of caffeine.

What type of twisted beverage company would write OMG Caffeine on their packaging?

Personally, that's what I want in my coffee.

I want OH MY GOD, CAFFEINE.

A massive amount.

That's what I get from the coffee shop every morning... the Nitro Cold Brew.

That is OH MY GOD, CAFFEINE.

Practicing the jokes on camera:

https://youtu.be/viMkAbjV8FA

https://youtu.be/wXtGgVK8YOw

The performance needs to be 5 - 7 minutes. I'm not sure how long that will run. Another joke I'm brainstorming is Pull The Trigger.

Joke 4 -  Pull The Trigger: 

My life is pretty stagnant. I'm 33 years old and have made little progress. I'm sitting back, watching my life pass me by.

My dad often tells me: "you need to pull the trigger."

He means a starting gun. Begin the race, start to move.

One day, I was talking to my psychiatrist. He was advising me on making progress (beginning my life).

I said: you're right. I need to pull the trigger (unaware there was an issue with saying this)

He didn't like it. It reminded him of suicide or gun violence.

He said: recovery is not instantaneous, like the pulling of a trigger. It's more like moving sand. Erosion can occur (a setback).

Moving sand?! That sounds zen and Buddhist. He could've at least said constructing a house.

Open Your Eyes (I'm Brilliant) and Do You See My Genius?

Open Your Eyes (I'm Brilliant)

Do You See My Genius?

New Scanner

 I think my new scanner makes my artwork look much nicer, the colors really pop.

The first image was taken with the new scanner (HP ENVY 6055e).

The second was taken with the old one (ESPON XP-6000).

Would you rescan some of my old artwork? Or leave it alone? Don't get crazy!

The Conspiracy

The following post is delusional. The delusions have passed. My mother loves me. But I'm going to share it because it could be used for a screenplay, book, documentary, or something like that:

I'm certain somebody powerful is my biological father. My parents resent him, tortured me because of it, and there's going to be a Supreme Court case very soon. I often suspect my biological father is a celebrity, like Billy Joel or Vince McMahon, but it's probably some finance professor (not a CEO Billionaire).

My parents are rapists and torturers who were running a pedophile ring. It happened so long ago and I don't have a clear memory from years of gaslighting. I had to suppress the trauma then when it finally rose to the surface in 2011, I was overly medicated and hospitalized. 

They've been forcing me to take a mega regimen of psychiatric medication, giving me a chemical lobotomy. My mother claims I'm not AOT court-ordered to take my medication, that I'm willingly taking it. Actually, she is forcing me. She screams at me and threatens me that I'll be homeless if I stop taking it.

Even now, I feel like I have to make it crystal clear... I accept I have an illness and compliantly take my medication. How much wouldn't be necessary if I wasn't forced to suppress my thoughts and tortured? 

Lately, my mom is having my stepdad pick up my medication from the pharmacy. He often writes my monthly checks to me. He's being framed into looking like a rapist too. The truth is he's not involved and has no idea my mother is a sadistic "serial killer" who will betray him.

Revenge For Rape

The following post is delusional. The delusions have passed. My mother loves me. But I'm going to share it because it could be used for a screenplay, book, documentary, or something like that:

What I post on the internet about my parents can be unkind at times, it's my revenge for rape, torture, depriving me of sex, and hostile dependency. It's not much of revenge, especially after years of Holocaust-like suffering. It's the only way I know how to get out my anger. Unfortunately, it makes me look like "The Unabomber."  

Stealing Artwork

My mother mentioned "stealing artwork that will be worth a lot of money" during a conversation. I need to remind myself that she's on my side. She's not duping me into thinking she's a loving mother, but when the time comes will betray me. This is my illness talking. It's a loving house.

Artwork (05 10 2021)

 Reborn:

Welcome To Hell:

Wrath:

My Moms Colorings

Sitcom Rock Band (Da Crew) (My Moms Coloring) (05 10 2021):

Bunny (My Moms Coloring):

Photo Class Photos (05 09 2021)

 Photo Class Photos (05 09 2021)

Today Is A Good Day (05 09 2021):

Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) (05 09 2021):

Dad's Artwork (05 09 2021)

 Dad's Artwork (05 09 2021)

Mother's Day (05 09 2021)

 Mother's Day (05 09 2021):

Andrew (05 07 2021)