Monster Behind A Mask

For all intents and purposes, I've had no friends growing up. The past three years were spent socially isolated, in an internet fantasyland.

Lately, I've been making progress socially, meeting friends at recovery groups in NYC.

A common terrifying panic attack I get, which hurts my ability to have meaningful relationships, is the "monster behind a mask" thoughts.

I fear kind and loving people, who love me - are going to turn into sadistic evil people. Meaning, they're pretending to be my friend but are actually looking to sabotage me. 

The panic can be so horrifying I become sick to my stomach, can't eat, or function. Then it passes.

I'm told this stems from getting bullied in middle and high school, and even in my adulthood online.

People pretended to be my friend, duped me, but were getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering.

I need to remind myself the world isn't full of sadistic psychopaths. There're genuine and good people who won't harm me. They aren't wearing a mask.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/pqF83LKghg3ZdjfF7

Schizoaffective disorder - it's not like Pink Floyd's "The Wall" album

There's a classic rock album by Pink Floyd called "The Wall". My dad once compared my plight to the main character from the album. While that's absurd, there is some truth to it.

When I entered Middle School my parents got divorced, my mother babied me and became very protective. I became anxious and more susceptible to school bullies.

In Middle and High School, I was persistently and sadistically bullied by the other kids. It hurt my social development. I became socially isolated. For all intents and purposes, I had no friends growing up.

In my 20's I became psychotic, mentally ill and began living in a fantasyland. I blur the lines of reality and fantasy, often can't distinguish between the two.

I'm now 32 years old, a disabled manchild, being taken care of by his parents. I have been diagnosed as having Schizoaffective disorder, I'm on a mega regimen of medication, and have been unable to get my life on track.

For the past 3 years, I was home all day with my mom and stepdad, in my bedroom, socially isolated, posting online in a fantasyland. Daydreaming pop superstars know who I am or a company like Disney is getting ready to hire me for a movie.

Late last year, I started going to a support group in New York City (more often), and I started meeting friends at this group. But I'm afraid everyone is a monster behind an innocent mask. Meaning, they're pretending to be my friend but will turn evil on me. My fear of everyone in the world hurts my ability to have meaningful relationships.

In some ways, I want to be safe at home, having no relationships (The Wall) - no one will ever hurt me. Unfortunately, I'll never have a life if I hide in a fantasyland.

My doctor recommended reading the book "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" (novel) by, Joanne Greenberg. I haven't. Basically, the doctor tells her I never promised you the real world would be rainbows and butterflies or peaches and cream (a rosegarden). The real world will be painful, cruel and hard. But soon my parents can no longer take care of me, and my fantasy won't save me. I'll be confronted with reality whether I like it or not.

When I mentioned to my doctor living in the real world is like Tearing Down A Wall, instantaneous, then everything will be fine - he disagreed. He said recovery is more like constructing a house or moving sand - it's slow and erosion can occur.

I guess my The Wall is living in fantasy and daydreams to protect myself from the painful reality.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/QzUyzMXjZw6QGWJf9

Fantasyland

I was bullied as a child and teenager and that crippled my growth, but I was also babied by my mother. Now I'm a manchild living in a fantasyland at 32 years old.


Through therapy, I'm attempting to enter the "real world" again.


My doctor suggests reading "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" (novel) by, Joanne Greenberg. I haven't. But apparently, the doctor tells her, I never promised you the real world you be a rosegarden - rainbows and butterflies, peaches in cream - living in the real world can be painful and hard.


Once I stop living a life where I blur fantasy and reality, I have the potential to be successful.


My parents are taking care of me, I'm dependent on them for survival. They're only getting older. If I don't do it now, soon it'll be too late.

Bullying

I was the victim of persistent bullying in middle school, and it had a crippling effect on my social development. In my 20's I developed severe mental illness, went psychotic and began living in a fantasy-land. I was unable to get my life back on track. Now I'm in my 30's, disabled, while the bullies are likely successful in comparison.



Also, I'm getting bullied again since I make my life public on the internet. I was bullied into weakness and bullied at rock-bottom too.



The saddest thing is I'm the nicest guy you'd ever meet.



Stop bullying!

Syd Barrett

I've come to the realization there was nothing wrong with Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd, besides schizophrenia. He went crazy in the 1960's from mental illness and wanted to live a low-key life for health reasons. On the sly, he was back with a vengeance with Dark Side of the Moon and onward. If you think about it, Wish You Were Here was somewhat a joke, and The Wall was his autobiography. He didn't want the credit or attention because he couldn't handle the fame.


Really think about it, wouldn't his family sue over Wish You Were Here.


Syd's a genius!

___

Couldn't his family sue for Defamation of Character or Character Assassination? After all, Shine on You crazy Diamond = SYD.

I believe he couldn't handle the fame and spotlight, so they scripted a sensational, manufactured exit to the band. There was nothing wrong with him, besides schizophrenia.

In fact, I heard in an interview David Gilmore joke that Pink Floyd doesn't do drugs. I believe they were intelligent and clean.

Syd was playing a damaged character, he encouraged it, probably found it funny. In reality, he was the genius lyricist on the sly.

At least, this is my theory.

Comedy College

I’m thinking about doing Comedy College, which starts tomorrow night.

I’m excited, but also a little nervous. Sometimes I feel like I wear the “crazy scarlet letter.” My wounds are exposed for all to see. People look at me and think I’m a defective freak. I need to realize not everyone’s a judgmental bully.

I do have a great sense of humor, and will probably be the best in the class. But I’m weak, vulnerable, and misunderstood. I’m susceptible to bullies. However, anything is better than sitting socially isolated at home.

I’m starting to question if I should do comedy college. I think Dr. Natural would say, if you have the money for it (and my mom agreed to pay) – then move the sand. Meaning, don’t overthink. Walk-in there with purpose and confidence. Do it! Everyone will like me. I’m not a freak.