My Mom Is The Dog (04 30 2023):
Moisten My Mind, Brain On Fire (04 30 2023):
My Parents Are Sexual Sadists (04 30 2023):
My Psychiatrist Thinks My Screenplay Should Not Have Me As The Primary Focus (04 30 2023):
My Mother Wanted To Rob Me Of Sex And A Life:
Everyone Who Tortured Me Should Be In Jail (04 30 2023):
I'm Very Sexually Frustrated - Like A Dog In Heat (04 30 2023):
I'm Dissociated (04 30 2023):
sexual dysfunction
My Email:
Fri, May 15, 2020, 12:57 PM
Hello Dr. Coplan,
The sexual dysfunction has become worse. I'm sure it's the meds, probably prolactin. I'm hoping to decrease meds, rather than increase Caberoline since I'm already on 2 mg weekly. I wish I mentioned it at the appointment (two days ago) because I really don't want to ignore it until next appointment.
Thanks
Dr. Coplan Reply:
Fri, May 15, 2020, 3:26 PM
to me
How much invega are you on, Andrew?
My Email:
Fri, May 15, 2020, 3:54 PM
I'm on Invega 9 mg.
Here's my list of medications that I'm on at the moment:
Invega 9 mg at night once a day
Lamotrigine (Lamictal) 125 mg once a day
Latuda 40 mg at night once a day
Lithium 600 mg (300 am, 300 pm)
(Xanax .25 (as needed))
Cabergoline 2 mg weekly
Levothyroxine (thyroid) 75 mg (for thyroid adverse effects)
Ondansetron 4mg at night (so not to throw up, Latuda/Invega adverse effect)
Rivastigmine 3 mg twice a day (so 3 in morning, 3 at night) (for Memory/adverse effect), so 6 mg
My Email:
Fri, May 15, 2020, 4:12 PM
Hello, Dr. Coplan.
I just had a chat with Dr. Garrett,
I'd love to address the medication issue sooner rather than later. Yes, they're so many adverse effects (sexual dysfunction). But we decided reducing the Invega and potentially going into full-blown psychosis during the Coronavirus pandemic might not be wise. Meaning, I don't want to wind up in the hospital, then get Corona.
When society becomes more stable because I've made a lot of progress with Dr. Garrett, I hope we can tweak something and see how I do on fewer meds. I suspect I'll be fine.
Dr. Coplan Reply:
Fri, May 15, 2020, 4:43 PM
OK Andrew we can certainly consider testing out how well you are on lower meds. However, my observation is that we are already having several "psychotic" episodes that through the help of cognitve reframing and meds you are thankfully able to navigate your way out of. Some of the manic features of thesse episodes can be induced by rapid caffeine intake in large amounts, which we agreed was not an ideal strategy. The problem is that the delusions invariably entail nefarious action on behalf of one or both parents. When I first met you, your mother recounted how you had spent several inpatient admissions delusionally convinced you had been abused by your parent(s) as a child and would yell out this revelation to all comers. So it is a precarious line we are dealing with and the "original delusion" is still regularly retreived. I need to discuss this with Dr Garrett but I dont share the sense that you are safely situated and well removed from the delusions. An important component of these delusions is their inevitable necessity to be widely "announced" in an attempt to correct the "wrongs" of the past. This makes the delusions non-benign as even if you come out of them you have communicated them with full conviction to any available audience. With consequence. That being said it is to your credit that you have continued being perfectly compliant with this unweildly combination of meds and their upsetting side effects.
As I say I need to discuss the state of the delusions with Dr Garrett before endorsing that lowering the meds is a low risk exercise clinically.
SIncerely
Dr Coplan
My Email:
Fri, May 15, 2020, 5:06 PM
Yes, I've been perfectly compliant with my meds since 2011/2012. Actually, I'm afraid being on a mega regimen for this long can be carcinogenic. But I'm also aware it's helping. Everyone says the meds are well-researched and they're many people at the Fountain House who've been on meds their whole life, and they're in their 60's, are continuing to have a lengthy life.
While the Coronavirus is happening, it wouldn't be wise to risk a hospitalization by lowering my meds. Though, I suspect I'd be fine. I'd love to test it out as soon as we can.
With Dr. Garrett I've made a huge recovery and am able to recognize and come out of delusions now. I don't get completely lost in psychosis anymore. I'm not the same as I was back then. Because in 2011 I couldn't even verbalize it was a delusion. Now I'm able to explain the way my mind works. That's HUGE!
The coffee intake has reduced since the extreme days, I only have 3 cups a day. In fact, I tried to stop completely but got massive headaches and fatigue. So I still drink some.
If we do come down on meds it has to be done right. But first, let's get through this Coronavirus nightmare.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
May 15, 2020, 5:31 PM
Andrew
I agree with the points Dr Coplan makes. You are able to use your cognitive skills to pull yourself out of a nosedive into delusonal daydreaming much more effectively than used to be the case, but the idea that your parents are sadistic abusers is still very close to the surface still. Your were caught up in these thoughts last week.
Here is a metaphor. You know when you go to the beach and try to stand up in the receding tide, but sometimes the tide knocks you over. If you were to be on less medication and your biology started to catch you in a rip tide that knocked you down, it would be quite damaging to your recovery. You have made definite progress in psychotherapy. You are getting stronger psychologically. But I would not recommend, especially now with hospitals preoccupied with COVID, that a risk be taken at this time.
It is hard to pick one indicator of how strong you are psychologically, but the daydream that your mother takes pleasure in sexually abusing you is an important marker. Since I have been working with you, though I don't keep a specific record of this, I think the longest you have gone without that delusion resurfacing is 10 days to 2 weeks. The delusion fades more quickly than in the past, but it isn't gone. It is still too close to the surface to take a risk now, frustrating as your situation is. In a spirit of dark humor, which I know you enjoy, which would you prefer - sexual frustration or re-hospitalization? I hope the former rather than the later.
Dr G
My Email:
Fri, May 15, 2020, 8:41 PM
I guess you're right. I was just getting the thoughts that my parents are the bane of my existence shortly before writing this e-mail. That they intentionally and nefariously sabotaged my life and I should have been rich and famous years ago. If I start taking less medication, perhaps I'll be overwhelmed by the ocean tide and get lost in full-blown psychosis. I think socialization and a REAL life is the key to recovery. Unfortunately, it's hard during the Coronavirus. Hopefully, we can attempt fewer meds someday, though.
The sexual dysfunction is VERY FRUSTRATING, but it's better than a hospitalization.
Dr. Coplan Reply:
Sat, May 16, 2020, 1:47 PM
From what we know, by treating the disorders we reduce body-wide inflammation. And inflammation can switch off tumor surveillance by T-cells.
My Email:
Sat, May 16, 2020, 2:20 PM
It's good that the medications don't cause cancer. As you said, they actually prevent cancer. I want to live a long and healthy life.
At the moment, I'm getting the thoughts that Syd Barrett is my TRUE biological father and my parents did nefarious things as a result. Conspire, restrict, and sabotage my life. Assuming this is a delusion and my chains are internal, if we lower my meds, I wouldn't even be able to do Doble Bookkeeping. I'd go into full-blown psychosis.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Sat, May 16, 2020, 2:33 PM
Good thinking, Andrew about not being able to maintain "double bookkeeping."
Edited Screenplay
My Email:
Sun, Jan 26, 2020, 9:14 PM
My friend thinks it should be about me, not others at the Fountain House.
I know Dr Natural disagrees for health reasons.
I actually agree with my friend, though. It'd be much more interesting that way.
What do you think?
My Email:
Sun, Jan 26, 2020, 9:31 PM
I know this sounds a bit grandiose but she said, why share my glory? I've been working for years and have an interesting story. It's about me and not mental health in general, right?
I think Dr Natural is afraid fantasy and "I'm Superman" thoughts will get out of control.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Mon, Jan 27, 2020, 6:18 AM
Andrew
Yes, you have correctly understood Dr Natural's concern, though you dismiss it. Consider the audience who will view the film. Consider what they will find of interest and value in the film. Are you believing that the audience will find you as an individual a fascinating object of primary interest without any broader point of reference, and see the mental illness angle as only a secondary issue, or can one imagine that the audience might see you as an interesting EXAMPLE of a person with mental illness, where the film invites people to think about other people they know who have mental illness, or even themselves, where the film has a broader focus than you and you alone as an individual? The concern I expressed last week that contemplating the film would feed self-centered daydreams seems to already be happening. Such daydreams will lead you away from adult life, not toward it.
Dr G
My Email:
Mon, Jan 27, 2020, 12:28 PM
In the defense of an "all about Andrew" documentary, I've been developing a story through social media posts for YEARS. Did the other member at the Fountain House work as hard as me? Why should they share my glory? (This is what my friend said, not me)
Also, aren't Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift narcissistic and "all about me" with their art?
You're afraid I'll start to get grandiose delusional fantasies and begin to think "I'm superman". That's certainly not worse than my current situation right now. Lol.
In defense of your idea, working in a team will help me develop relationships, meeting new friends. We'll hear stories about people with similar struggles. It'll be keeping me grounded that it's a project to help people with mental illness - not my Hollywood superstar debut.
Although a narcissistic "all about Andrew" documentary might be fun. :P
(Joke:
After this project: Ultimately, the goal is to create a comedy/drama movie based on my life (if this project is successful).
A company like Disney, Universal, Paramount, Sony will hire big-name actors to tell my story:
Marisa Tomei will play Mama
Jake Gyllenhaal will play Papi
Daniel Craig will play Dale
If I don't play myself, Tom Holland will play me
/Joke)
Then again, am I joking?
...as you can see the grandiose fantasies start to begin. Lol.
My Email:
Mon, Jan 27, 2020, 12:59 PM
At the end of the day, you can't be coddled and protected your whole life.
I did stand-up comedy at the Fountain House, but my mom is discouraging me from doing it in the real world because of possible rejection. You learn from it. If you're too cautious and careful you never experience life.
The same is true with wanting to be the primary focus of a Hollywood movie. Maybe for now while recovering, maybe not. We can protect me, slowly ease me into it (if it happens)... but at the end of the day, if my goal is to be a Hollywood Superstar everyone will be focused on me, I'll have to remind myself "I'm not superman".
Post 01:
What I'm saying about Dr Garrett is true. He INTENDED to give me the HIV scare and wanted to ruin my relationships with Kelly and my parents. The problem? It'll be very hard to prove. He's the best in the business at psychiatry and I was his severely mentally ill patient.
Post 02:
I don't know the law... What Dr. Garrett did feels like metaphoric rape and he SHOULD be in jail for rape. It's not "hot" or "funny." I felt clean at the time. Now I feel tainted like a rape victim. He intended to torture and traumatize me. January 2020 was no accident.
Post 03:
The problem is although everyone will know Dr. Garrett intended to make me FEEL HIV POSITIVE, he'll lie about his intentions and will get away with hurting me. I was like a virgin at the time. I now feel damaged. Though, my blood work is clean and I just took PrEP. It's trauma.
Post 04:
I'm getting to a point where I HATE MY PARENTS, which was exactly what Dr. Garrett wanted to happen when he hurt me. I believe the reason he did it was he hated me, my silly father, and the sensationalistic BROKEN Matt Hardy message about mental illness.
Post 05:
The problem is my father was bullying me on the sly and now he's going to look like the biggest shithead on planet Earth. Though, it was Dr. Garrett who INTENDED to give me the HIV scare. My father "loves?" me in his own weird way. He wouldn't hurt me that badly
Post 06:
While it's HORRIBLE BEYOND BELIEF what Dr Garrett did, from gallows humor point of view, it's comical to see my father become the butt of the joke now too... While SADISTIC SATAN, Dr. Garrett, looks completely credible with 50 years of "best in the business" psychiatry experience
Post 07:
Now people are hesitant to be around me because they fear I actually have HIV - which I don't. Friends and family members are grossed out by me. Potential women are frightened. I was never even exposed to HIV. I just took PrEP. I feel like I'm wearing the HIV Scarlet letter.
Post 08:
The sugar daddy post on her Reddit account many years ago (from college). Then starting to post images on Reddit in 2017. Then staying home all day long and feeling unloved and unheard sent me down a dark path which led to me getting metaphorically raped by Dr. Garrett.
Post 09:
Basically, my social media posts turned on Dr Garrett (the best in the business at psychiatry). He might have realized he was behaving too friendly with me? Or maybe he just hated me and wanted to etch a metaphoric rape into my psyche? Regardless, that's what happened.
Come Sail Away (04 29 2023):
My Dad Is The Dog (04 29 2023):
Dr. Natural (04 29 2023):
Unworldly (04 29 2023):
Acknowledge Me (04 29 2023):
Monster Behind A Mask
My Email:
Tue, Jan 28, 2020, 3:18 PM
For all intents and purposes, I've had no friends growing up. The past three years were spent socially isolated, in an internet fantasyland.
Lately, I've been making progress socially, meeting friends at recovery groups in NYC.
A common terrifying panic attack I get, which hurts my ability to have meaningful relationships, is the "monster behind a mask" thoughts.
I fear kind and loving people, who love me - are going to turn into sadistic evil people. Meaning, they're pretending to be my friend but are actually looking to sabotage me.
The panic can be so horrifying I become sick to my stomach, can't eat, or function. Then it passes.
I'm told this stems from getting bullied in middle and high school, and even in my adulthood online.
People pretended to be my friend, duped me, but were getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering.
I need to remind myself the world isn't full of sadistic psychopaths. There're genuine and good people who won't harm me. They aren't wearing a mask.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Jan 28, 2020, 5:14 PM
Good summary.
Yoga
My Email:
Tue, Feb 4, 2020, 5:25 PM
A friend bought me a yoga membership for beginners. So I'm doing yoga for the first time tonight. If I didn't have anxiety and panic attacks, I'd love it and probably still will.
But I rarely get out of the house and have suffered from mental illness for years. I'm afraid everyone will see me as a damaged freak and view me in a critical way. I laughed with my doctor about the yoga studio full of bullies narrative since it's absurd. It's not unrealistic to think there may be a judgemental person or two, but not EVERYONE.
If I don't panic like a deer caught in headlights the entire time, it'll be nice and people will be more into their exercise anyway.
I'm 32 years old and I should've been living life. Instead, middle and high school bullies resulted in social isolation and living in a fantasyland.
Throughout the years, there were so many yoga-like opportunities I should've done. Sadly, I wasted my life afraid.
Thankfully since my friend bought this membership for me, I must go. I'll try behaving confident, and not like a socially anxious freak.
I'm getting butterflies already. I'm trying to tell myself I have a cold, but I'm fine. I'll just go and enjoy myself.
It's in a little over an hour.
Updates coming soon.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Feb 4, 2020, 5:48 PM
Andrew
Get out there and enjoy the class!
Dr G
My Email:
Tue, Feb 4, 2020, 9:35 PM
I just completed Ashtanga Yoga for the first time. It was a positive experience.
A good workout that was great for the body and mind. My arms, legs, and abdomen are sore (in a good way).
I was quickly learning the poses through repetition.
Nice people. No bullies.
There were about 7 or 8 people in the class. I was the only guy. That's a good thing. However, attractive women often give me internal panic and I have difficulty focusing and concentrating on the instructor. How do I get over this? This seems like a High School and College problem I should've outgrown by now.
I have 6 more sessions. I will do more yoga soon.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Feb 4, 2020, 9:37 PM
So far so good. Glad you had a positive experience.
Post 01:
Is this really the end of my relationship and friendship with Kelly? I don't know why I don't believe it is. I'm convinced she's going to come back. Maybe I need to accept it's over, and has been since December 2021.
Post 02:
In 2011 when I was lost in psychosis CM Punk was ranting at the New Nexus how they had to have faith. Then I started ranting about faith in God and faith everything would work out. Apparently there was someone with that name who became frightened. I was talking about actual faith
Post 03:
Some people worry their whole life about "what if the worst case scenario comes true?" It's a self-fulfilled prophecy. It keeps coming true. It's not JUST bad luck. Everything that could go wrong basically happens. It's because they're so self-focused they miss the elephant.
My Mother Said 01:
"Andrew: Dale came in really upset told what you posted. Dad and Dale both ran up to help you. Last nite we ran exhausted to gelp you and you post shit. If you can t grow up , do recovery and get the internet we are not paying for it. You shouldpay for the key, the wall, the inspection. Your disrepect and mean spirted. No thank you, the work all of us Dad, Dale , I give up our lives to help you recover. NO MORE BS. You recover and grow up or not. Pick a life"
Post 04:
I said to my mother: "Thanks for helping me with the car. I appreciate it"
My Mother Said 02:
My mother said: "No its what u posted. Your family gave up their lives for you, sacrificed everything. Had enough i have No health, dad can t fix his home, or by clothes Dale goes to work and we give what little extra money we all have to u. We are old, sick. Cranky and tired. but thats not good enough for you. We need to die trying to please you."
Post 05:
I just don't care anymore and they all know it.
Post 06:
While extremely tragic and horrific, Dr. Garrett making it crystal clear he metaphorically raped me is a hilarious twist of fate. It makes everyone who abused and bullied me look like complete trash. I shot the moon like the card game hearts. I'm going to be the ultimate winner.
Post 07:
My parents and everyone will want to deny it, but Dr. Garrett made it so crystal clear that'll be impossible to at least accuse him of negligence. But I think it's beyond negligence. It was intentional metaphoric rape. Everyone will look like they just didn't care about me at all
Post 08:
Dr. Garrett is trying to cover it up his negligence and crimes by claiming it's sensationalistic real world, pro wrestling, and comic book... But that's BULLSHIT! If that were true and this was all "entertainment", why wouldn't he drop me as a patient? It's TRUE and he knows it.
Post 09:
Dr. Garrett made it crystal clear he was getting sexual pleasure from my suffering, there should be a real lawsuit... So why don't my parents believe me? Why aren't they intervening? It's so obvious Dr. Garrett is two-faced and a monster behind a mask. He's not even hiding it.
Post 01:
I can handle a lot, especially the intentions were not nefarious. I'm a very forgiving person. But if the HIV scare was intentionally done to hurt me, I'll likely fly into a rage and legitimately snap. I want the truth. No sugar-coating. No revisionist history. Tell me the TRUTH!
Post 02:
I really want to believe the HIV scare was accidental and they all love me and feel badly about it because I love them. They're "pranks", but sometimes they can go way too far. I just want to think no one INTENDED for January 2020 to happen. It was just a sad day and month.
Post 03:
They're definitely sexual sadists who get pleasure from my suffering. How bad is what they've done? Are they psychopaths who intentionally planned to give me an HIV scare, get me to take PrEP, to make me feel HIV positive? That's not "hot" or "funny." That's serial killer stuff!
Post 04:
As the Aristotle proverb says, "liars when they speak the truth are not believed."
Even if they did not INTEND to give me the HIV scare, or if it was simply Dr. Garrett, I'll have a hard time believing them because they've lied about everything else for my whole life.
Post 05:
I think Dr. Garrett wanted to ruin my relationships with Kelly and my parents. He was PRETENDING TO HELP ME, but was SECRETLY SABOTAGING ME though gaslighting. Or was the HIV scare simply a panic attack and my mental illness? Did Dr. Garrett not intend to metaphorically rape me?
Post 06:
Dr. Garrett saw the shit show on social media and he looks like a doctor with 50 years of credibility. We all look like sensationalistic lunatics and laughing-stocks. The TRUE MONSTER who wanted me to FEEL HIV POSITIVE is Dr. Garrett. It'll just be hard to prove and he'll deny it
Post 07:
Although I FELT LIKE a "loser" and a "burden", my parents didn't see me that way, nobody did. They saw me as a future rockstar and millionaire. Dr. Garrett is the one who wanted to make my feel worthless. Then he began gaslighting me into believing my parents felt this way too.
Post 08:
The SADISTIC MONSTER. The SATAN IMAGE that was being etched into my psyche is Dr. Garrett.
Post 09:
Dr. Garrett knew I wouldn't "be homeless" and had a bright future. So he decided to hurt future metaphoric "John Lennon", then began gaslighting me into believing my loved ones were the MONSTERS. Dr Garrett's actually the SADISTIC SATAN.
Post 10:
What I'm saying about Dr. Garrett is not "ridiculous" or "delusional." He knew I was going to be the next "John Lennon", so he chose to metaphorically murder me INTENTIONALLY and thought I'd never realize what he had done.
Post 11:
I tell myself that I need my parents. While I love them, I can be independent without them. Grow up. Get a job. Don't be a burden. I should get well mentally and get a job. Put in the resume.
Post 12:
I want a dream job as an artist and movie star... But I could try to get a job in marketing. Hollywood is very competitive. It's an unrealistic pipe dream. Why would I want to stock shelves when I think I should be a late night talk show host?
Post 13:
If my mother said, I'll sell the house and focus on becoming a movie star from social media, I'd think she's crazy. She has adult responsibilities.
Dr. Garrett knew it wasn't a pipe dream and I'd be famous. My mom is a loving two-faced. Dr. Garrett was the monster behind a mask
Post 14:
I can't blame my father, stepfather, mother, Kelly, a "pop star secret admirer" (fantasy?) for Dr. Garrett metaphorically raping me. Even if I try to say they should have been protecting me more, psychiatrists are meant to help people recover from trauma and mental illness.
My Email:
Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 5:59 PM
I'm going to a Christmas concert next Sunday. I need to be dressed nicely.
I no longer fit into my suit pants. Gained too much weight. I needed new pants.
Since there is a gray stripe on the jacket my mom said I need dark grey pants - not black.
I'm afraid it doesn't match.
____
I feel like my mom says: "it matches" because she doesn't feel like spending money on a new suit, or because she's lazy and doesn't feel like picking out a suit.
So I'll look like a buffoon, like usual.
It's better than her dressing me in all black for my friend's engagement.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:43 AM
Andrew
I fear the "my mother is the bane of my existence" theme is again creeping in here. I think the real issue is the complex array of factors that have made it difficult for you to achieve your adult independence (chiefly the bullying and its illness consequences). If you were living independently of your mother, none of these issues would arise. I raise the following questions in our ongoing effort to help you meet the very real challenges of living independently in the real world.
For starters, you imagine your mother's motive to be laziness in not wanting to pick out a suit for you. It is possible that someone in the picture is lazy, but it may not be your mother. Why aren't you expecting to pick out your own clothes?
Is your mother responsible for your having gained weight so that your old clothes are ill fitting?
Is it possible that your mother is operating on a tight budget, especially after financing the extension for you? How is it going with you taking over responsibility for monitoring your own budget?
In our last session we discussed how comments accusing others (like remarks to your girlfriend, and often your mother) may undermine your wish to build better interpersonal relationships.
Dr G
My Email:
Thu, Jan 9, 2020, 1:10 PM
Tweet 01:
According to Dr. Natural, something I do is "mentalizing." I imagine what someone else is thinking. Although friends have told me I have good intuition about people. Unfortunately, what I imagine is sometimes wrong. I need to catch false thoughts before they become reality.
Tweet 02
The lines of fantasy and reality get blurred in my mind.
Advice Dr. Natural gave me is when my imagination starts to run wild - catch it and check it. Say to myself, "there I go again." Then change it before the daydream becomes real and I'm lost in fantasy.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Thu, Jan 9, 2020, 1:18 PM
Andrew
Good notes!
A little bit more about the capacity to "mentalize." Mentalizing is a normal psychological function. When we mentalize we come to an idea of what other people are thinking. No one is 100% accurate all the time about other people. In your case though, when you imagine what is going on in the minds of other people, your image of other people swing wildly at times, from warm feelings to seeing the other person as a sadistic monster or sexual abuser (monster masks on a stick). Your capacity to accurately mentalize what is going on in the minds of other people significant impairs your ability to have successful social interactions. When you "mentalize" other people as sadistic monsters, they feel hurt, and it costs you in your relationships.
My Email:
Thu, Jan 9, 2020, 1:20 PM
That makes a lot of sense, Dr. Garrett. Thanks
My Email:
Tue, Jan 14, 2020, 2:20 PM
My parents took sadistic pleasure in fucking me up. They wanted to make me the most crazed they possibly could... And the reason is Billy Joel is my biological father.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Jan 14, 2020, 5:09 PM
Andrew
5 hours ago we were talking about how your daydreams become your imagined reality, and now they have, again. There is no evidence that Billy Joel is your father. It is something you daydream about from time to time. It seems to me that you didn't quite "catch" the daydream becoming delusion this time around.
Dr G
My Email:
Sat, Jan 25, 2020, 6:35 PM
My step dad was in my apartment to set up the alarm system for the house. While we talked, I felt a sexual tension. I was submitting, he had powerful body language. It was like walking on eggshells being around him.
This is probably why I used to run all day and live in a fantasy-land. I was trying to escape my home environment.
A former doctor said I'm projecting onto him. Nah, he likes having power over me.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Sun, Jan 26, 2020, 11:19 AM
Andrew
I imagine, though I may be wrong about this, that every time you charge someone in your family with being an abuser in an email, and you later retract it, you think no harm done. If you think this way, I would urge you to consider the following.
1) each mistaken charge against a person erodes that relationship, making it more and more difficult to make amends with each cycle of accusation
2) each time you are mistaken about some person's actions and intentions you have taken a step backward rather than forward in exercising the social skills necessary to live in the real world as an adult. The way your mind flips your father, step-father, and mother into the abuser role is the same process that flips your girlfriend into that role. Keep working on "catch it-check it-change it" to recognize when your mind is flipping in this way.
Dr G
My Email:
Sun, Jan 26, 2020, 11:24 AM
I often do think no harm done when these intense thoughts pass. I need to catch them before they overtake me, and harm happens. I want meaningful relationships.
Actually, I was getting Kelly's infecting me with HIV thoughts this morning, but I'm not gonna let myself get overwhelmed. Catch it, check it, change it
Post 01:
My car key broke off in my car ignition. I'm going to need a tow truck. Should I call? Or wait for mom to get here?
Post 02:
I have a lot of stuff in my car that I want to bring home before it's towed. Like my art supplies, pill cutter, and bottled water.
Post 03:
Thanks to my mother and stepfather we managed to get my car home, BUT they treated me with such disrespect as if it's the worst thing in the world. Shit happens. It would've been better ANYONE ELSE picked me up. My mother is high-strung and acts like I'm the bane of her existence
Post 04:
I wasn't happy about getting my car stuck in a pharmacy parking lot either, but my mom was acting like I did something personal to her. It was an ACCIDENT. I didn't intend for it to happen. She tried blaming my mental illness. Though, that's a completely unrelated issue.
Post 05:
My mother was being a bitch, but I made a conscious decision to make sure I began defusing all of her fight baiting and kept everything calm. It was like walking on eggshells. Thanks to be being calm - no verbal fight happened. She wanted to start one with me.
Post 06:
My mother owes me an apology for tonight which she'll never give.
Post 01:
I am very forgiving, but I want the truth with no excuses, not revisionist history. Tell me what happened honestly no matter how bad it may be. Don't sugar-coat it. INTENT is key. If you didn't INTEND for this to happen, or for it to get this bad, I'll be forgiving.
Post 02:
Thank you to my mother. I'm lucky you are my mom. Without your love, support, and nurturing, I could've wound up homeless or in a very bad place.
You love all the family members unconditionally. You never give up even when times get tough.
Post 03:
They say you don't know what you have until it's gone, take this moment to appreciate the moment I'm in right now because it won't last forever.
Post 04:
Although no one truly wants to take psychiatric medications. Right now, I'm unstable, so take it compliantly like I did from late 2011 - 2022. I don't want to get AOT court ordered to take my medications. I am experiencing adverse side effects - communicate with my psychiatrist.
Post 05:
My mother said: "I love more then the world. Your gift to me is don t give up on your recovery to have a happy healthy life. Dig deep you have it in you to completely recover and discover Andrew in REAL world. I love yo always and forever❤"
Post 06:
My mom's like Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. She's like, "oh no, don't do that." But she doesn't intervene even while witnessing the problem.
Oompa, Loompa,
I have a perfect puzzle for you.
What do you get when you punch a hole in the wall?
You get taken to the psych ward!
Post 07:
My prostate is hurting again for whatever reason, I think I should make a urologist appointment. Also, the cardiologist and gastrologist would be a good idea too. Unfortunately, it's hard to do while I'm in partial program.
Post 01:
A lot of people come up with great concepts for comedies... But remember, you need to write consistent jokes too. A funny concept is great. It doesn't end there. Look at Seinfeld or The Simpsons - the concept, although great, didn't write the episodes. Though, it helps.
Post 02:
If people are wondering which way we should do my song "Sorry", the Nevermind version will obviously be somebody experiencing loss and guilt over cheating...
On our b-side Incesticide album we'll put the metal version that sounds almost sarcastic.
Why not have both? Like Polly.
Post 03:
If you were in the psychiatric hospital with me back in January and we exchanged numbers, feel free to send me a text message. I lost my list of all the numbers. I have no way of reaching out because I literally know nobody's number. So feel free to give me text if you see this.
Post 04:
At this point, why am I not rich and famous? I need to remind myself they're stifling my accounts and artwork to protect me, not to torture me. Realistically, I should have been viral on social media YEARS AGO.
Post 05:
When I was off the psychiatric medications I looked PERFECT... But now I'm eating A LOT MORE on the abilify. I needed to gain weight, but now I guarantee I'm going to get chunky. I can't help it. I just want to eat. I took off 20 lbs. I bet I'll put it right back on.
Post 06:
The social media model is fueling my desire to be skinny. She looks perfect. I want to be skinny like her. Sadly, it's hard on the psychiatric medications that I'm on.
Post 07:
My father's family, who were having the time of their lives, and even my mother's family, they all want to associate with me now because I've "won." Get away. I desire no relationship with you what-so-ever. They all rejected me, left me to suffer as an INCEL for 35 years.
Post 08:
I'm probably going to get cancer, ASSUMING I don't have it already because my mental health was horrible and I was eating the worst trash imaginable.
Post 09:
My father viewed me as his redheaded step-child. He gave me the worst of everything, got pleasure from, and found my suffering comical. He's a psychopath. I can't wait until the twist of fate happens and I finally have power happens. I'll do nothing and let karma expose everyone.
Post 10:
Pretty soon I'm going to be Mr. Suave and Mr. Cool. The next iconic movie star with John Lennon / Kurt Cobain level fame. They had their chance to know me for the past 15 years or so. But they blew it. I want my father's family and all the deceivers to get lost right this second.
Post 11:
I have a bad feeling what happened and what's being kept secret from me is so bad. When they confirm the truth, I'm going to be so angry. Even extremely heavily medicated, the sadistic bullying my parents put me through it's going to make me extremely upset to put it lightly.
Post 12:
Sometimes people need to be delusional. Let's say someone has nothing in their life, the delusional fantasyland can protect them from extreme sadness.
Post 13:
I just want to think people weren't mercilessly mocking me for the past 15 years on the sly. I want to think there was somebody who is genuine and true blue. I hope everybody wasn't a two-faced deceiver.
Post 14:
I want to believe their secrets are not as bad as I suspect they are, but they are... Actually, they are even worse. But calm down. My father is just a psychopath and a monster. Some children literally get murdered by their father. At least I'm still alive. Don't get angry.
Post 15:
Although I want to believe Kelly still loves me because I love her. I'm starting to fear Kelly doesn't like me anymore, OR she never liked me and I was naive and willfully blind at the time.
Post 16:
I'm just going to tell myself January 2020 was an accident. Even if somebody did sadistically and intentionally intend for it to happen, it's just better believing nobody wanted to happen.
Post 17:
When it comes to my father, don't seek vengeance or get physical because that will lead to the psychiatric hospital. Instead, simply stop seeing him. Don't let him push me over the edge. Make myself extremely successful and when I'm successful, let karma take care of him.
Post 18:
It feels like someone, if not many people, INTENTIONALLY gaslit me into taking PrEP to torture me. They said it was "my decision." I think the whole thing was planned. It's like a metaphoric rape. I wish someone would tell me the truth about what happened. They should be in jail.
Post 19:
Making me FEEL HIV positive is not "hot" or "funny." You metaphorically raped and drove a vulnerable mental patient to madness, you psychopaths!
First E-Mail
(Note: Dr. Garrett didn't reply to this thread):
guardian angel:
My Email:
Tue, Feb 19, 2019, 6:28 PM
Today, I had a CBT psychiatry appointment. My doctor said he's never heard of anyone having a guardian angel and I need to live in the real world.
What I got out of the appointment... I have a guardian angel who is helping me on the sly.
Assuming this "guardian angel" is true, who is it?
I don't believe Billy Joel or Syd Barrett is my biological father at the moment. So scratch that.
Could it be an old friend - like an ex-girlfriend?
Or even more mind-blowing: a long time ago, I was posting on a music internet forum. Talented musicians post there. And I was creating these songs that sounded like an elementary school kid wrote them. They were somewhat comical.
Also on the forum, I'd go on mentally ill rants - some comedic, so depressed. About bullying, depression. I'd trash pop stars like Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift. Saying, they don't know about hard times. They're whores, had tons of fun, fuck them.
I sounded crazy but funny at times. I really stood out. The elephant in the room. Great forum presence and for some reason, they weren't banning me. Lol.
I did the same schtick on professional wrestling forums. (Maybe it's someone from wrestling?)
Fast forward a bunch of years.
I was going on a depressed rant on twitter, and someone posted the Taylor Swift gif "you ok?" from "You Belong With Me".
This began my Taylor Swift knows who I am delusion.
Not too long after, one of my videos went viral on Reddit. A lot of people discovered me from that. Most notably, AyB0ss. He said he's been following me for years, much longer than I realize. He said that he's my guardian angel - all those coincidences weren't coincidences. Meaning, he's been helping me without even realizing it. He told me that I know of him, though I don't know him personally. He said he's madly in love with me.
But he also said he's a sociopath and led to the secret service coming to the house twice. So I CAN NOT talk to him ever again. But I wonder, maybe he's not William Rice from England... could he be Taylor Swift?
Is this all one big fantasy?
My Email:
Tue, Feb 19, 2019, 7:35 PM
AyB0ss also told me he is a monomaniac, that he can old reveal who he is once and it will be the most intense experience of my life.
There is also the possibility that he's a gay college kid from England who is messing with my mind.
(Not Dr. Garrett replied to this thread)
Taylor Swift's new song
My Email:
Thu, Jul 4, 2019, 2:27 PM
I just heard Taylor Swift's brand new song, "You Need To Calm Down." And like many of her other songs, I got predicate logic that it's about me:
I told you in a previous e-mail, that several years ago, I was going on a depressed rant on twitter, and someone posted the Taylor Swift gif "you ok?" from "You Belong With Me". (This was 2016ish, a few years AFTER the forum 2008 - 2012.)
In her new song, she talks about people that are critical of her on the internet (like I was). And says, "But you say it in a Tweet, that's a cop-out. And I'm just like, "Hey, are you okay?""... Is that a reference to me, or just predicate logic?
She says, "And I ain't tryna mess with your self-expression But I've learned a lesson that stressin' and obsessin' 'bout somebody else is no fun."
I guess saying, obsessing about people with more money than me, or even bullies from the past is just wasted negative thoughts.
I've told you that I think other songs are references to me too. Like "Wonderland", "Hey Stephen", and many on her "Reputation" album.
In "Hey Stephen", for example:
Back in 2008 - 2012, I posted on a music forum. I made videos where I'd talk to my brother (named Stephen), and would constantly say "Hey Stephen." I believe she isn't actually talking to someone named Stephen, she's talking to me.
Talented musicians posted on this forum, and I was creating songs that sounded like an elementary school kid wrote them. They were somewhat comical. Well, someone wrote me lyrics to a song named "Pete O'File" (which I sang). This is a recent performance of it:
Another lyric is, "All those other girls, well they're beautiful. But would they write a song for you?"
(I believe it was Taylor Swift writing songs for me)
Also on the forum, I'd go on mentally ill rants - some comedic, some depressed. About bullying, depression. I'd trash pop stars like Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift. Saying, they don't know about hard times. They're whores, had tons of fun, fuck them. I sounded crazy but funny at times. I really stood out. The elephant in the room. Great forum presence, and for some reason, they weren't banning me. Lol.
My existence sent her into an existential crisis, but she could also relate to me in many ways.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Sat, Jul 6, 2019, 8:01 AM
to me
Andrew
Taylor Swift is responding to the public, to her fan base, not to you as an individual. Yes, predicate logic. Good catch, but always disappointing to realize your thoughts about her are a daydream rather than a reality. Hard to bear that.
Dr G
Post 01:
Dr. Garrett was the monster who wanted to etch a metaphoric rape into my psyche. He wanted me to FEEL HIV positive. Unfortunately, he'll do the Shaggy "It Wasn't Me" defense and blame everyone else. They all look like silly comic book villains and he's the best in the business.
Post 02:
Though very tragic, it's kind of hilarious how an unintended consequence of Dr. Garrett metaphorically raping me is proving what narcissistic losers my parents are. It proves how they couldn't care less about me and were using me to hurt each other. It ruined all their "plans."
Post 03:
I'm not sure who spotted years ago that I was being INTENTIONALLY HURT by Dr. Garrett... If it was my father? Or Kelly? I suspect Kelly. But someone recognized it and didn't tell me. The person who wanted me to FEEL damaged was Dr. Garrett. He was the TRUE MONSTER BEHIND A MASK.
Post 04:
My parents wanted me to come back with a vengeance and become a comedic and silly "Adolf Hitler", like the movie The Producers (1967). Sadly, because of the real life tragedy involving Dr. Garrett this is not funny anymore. It's a horrible tragedy and my parents look like losers.
Post 05:
Now Dr. Garrett is trying to CLAIM I'm the liar and the deceiving monster behind a mask with bad INTENTIONS. That's bullshit and everyone knows it. I have social anxiety. I put on a blank expression and hide out of fear. But I am just looking to be loved, not to hurt anyone.
Post 06:
Maybe doing sensationalistic comic book in the real world wasn't a good idea because no one will empathize with "The Joker" in court, like my father. He looks like a silly old man. But they will respect the best in the business at psychiatry. He has 50 years of credibility.
Post 07:
Some say I'm the "monster behind a mask." I disagree. Although I have anxiety. I'm very transparent. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Everyone knows I'm socially awkward. I'm not always correct, but I like doing the right thing. I want the truth about EVERYTHING.
Post 08:
Dr. Garrett intentionally tortured me. My parents STILL want to deny it, even after he practically confessed it via his emails. He might as well have confessed everything and my parents STILL want to pretend there's no problems. They do not care about me at all.
Post 09:
In January 2020, I took unnecessary anti-HIV medications (PrEP). I THOUGHT it was the correct decision at the time. Then I felt defective, damaged, and realized my mistake. Though, I'm HIV negative. Hindsight is 20/20.
Post 10:
They say taking PrEP was my choice, my mistake, but I want to believe something nefarious was happening. Someone else had bad intentions. I believe there's someone who enjoyed my suffering.
Post 11:
I did have a panic attack on January 1, 2020, I reacted on impulse and didn't think. Even if no one INTENDED to hurt me by making me FEEL HIV positive. Nobody calmed me down and talked rationally to me. Take accountability. I made a mistake.
Post 12:
I believe Dr. Garrett was two-faced. He was trying to torture me while creating the facade he was helping me. I sound like a self-righteous, delusional, lunatic with Schizoaffective disorder just released from the hospital. He sounds like the best in the business at psychiatry.
Post 13:
Although Dr. Garrett without question INTENDED TO SADISTICALLY HURT ME. My mother looks insane. My father looks insane. I look insane. He looks completely legitimate.
Post 14:
At some point, Dr. Garrett knew I was going to be extremely rich and famous (2019?). He knew there was a big celebrity that would turn heel and be like "Hollywood Hulk Hogan" (nWo). So he decided to metaphorically murder and sabotage the future "John Lennon" (which is me).
Post 15:
What Dr. Garrett did to me is not "hot" or "sexy." I was a vulnerable mental patient, practically a virgin, and he wanted to make me FEEL like a damaged rape victim for his own pleasure. He ASSUMED he'd get away with it. It'd ruin my relationships. I'd never know he's the monster
When it comes to my mother, I can see the glass as "half-empty", other times I see it as "half-full" depending on my emotions at the moment.
WWE WrestleMania (Defeating My Friend)
My Email:
Tue, Jun 2, 2020, 2:31 PM
Because I was severely bullied, I had no friends in my early 20's. I hated my life so much. I was full of ANGER and FRUSTRATION. I thought no one understood.
Unfortunately, the people who hurt me were long gone. But there was a friend who tried to help me through text.
Though, we shared some laughs.
I'm like a professional wrestler who used a SADISTIC submission maneuver, which is called GUILT. Instead of defeating people through pinfall, I TRIED TO MAKE THEM TAP OUT with GUILT, by being cruel to them in my texts.
Since I couldn't defeat the bullies, I tried to defeat my friend. For some reason, this friend just listened and tried to help.
And one day, they stopped communicating. It devastated me. It was a real loss.
I'm like an underdog, fighting for the Heavyweight championship at WrestleMania (the WWE's Super Bowl). I have the biggest, badest, star in the middle of the ring, in my GUILT submission hold. I have the match won. They're about to tap. Maybe I need to release the hold, realize they're my friend, and move on. Let them be.
I became so obsessed with vengeance, that I began hurting people who cared for me.
Rather than self-serving myself, maybe I can help others. When I get my life together, I can give speeches at middle and high schools. Doing comedy with an anti-bullying message.
I must empower and help others.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Jun 2, 2020, 4:20 PM
Andrew
Some thoughts about this email ....
Are you trying to use your SADISTIC GUILT hold on your father, mother, and step-father, hoping they will 'tap out'? How do you imagine this ends when they 'tap out'? In wrestling when the loser taps out, the winner raises his fists in victory and the crowd applauds. If your father, mother, and step-father 'tap out' and say something like, "Andrew, you have been right all along. All three of us have abused you sexually." what happens next? Who is there to applaud? Do the three of them set up a life-time pension plan for you out of their guilt so that you don't need to be rescued by Hollywood anymore, but the guilt reparations will take care of you the rest of your life? How is it going to work?
Or, did our conversation today make you a bit anxious, all this talk about starting small, getting a 5 minute comedic video about mental illness done, then build from there? That sounds challenging, more challenging than getting your parents to provide for you.
Dr G
My Email:
Tue, Jun 2, 2020, 4:31 PM
The person I was trying to make tap out was my friend, Ed, through my guilt text messages.
Basically, I was hurt, and couldn't get vengeance on the bullies. So while we had many pleasant and funny conversations. I could also be a bully to my friends. I was trying to make them tap out by making them feel guilty. I guess you hurt those who care. Break the cycle, help people, and become a success.
In the end, the friendship ended which devastated me. It was a huge loss.
I messaged some people at the FH about starting a mental health-related video project, I took some action.
Post 01:
Honestly, I feel really zonked and chemically lobotomized on the high dose of abilify that I'm taking. I was doing just fine on 10 mg. I'm not sure why they increased it. They shouldn't have. I'm so fatigued. I can't even stay awake. I'm going to ask to reduce at partial program.
Post 02:
Some say when it comes to college, taking medications, it was my decision to take everything. I disagree. Even if my mother's intentions weren't nefarious, she very much was controlling me. I had no freedom or choice. You can disagree. That's fine. We'll agree to disagree.
Post 03:
I don't know if she still feels bad about January 2020, but I believe she does and it still sucks it happened. Not to imply she's to blame because she's not at all.
Post 04:
I was about to give in and buy a yearly membership so I could have the blue check mark on my Twitter account, then I realized there are so many social media platforms. I could go elsewhere. Although Twitter is very popular. Why pay just so I can have tons of features?
Post 05:
To my knowledge, I've never met the social media model or dated her, but I could tell she's friendly, fun, and easy to get along with. It seems like we'd make good friends. She hides her face and disguises her voice, but something seems fishy. Maybe I actually know her?
Post 06:
Ideally, no one wants to be on psychiatric medications, but sometimes you prove you need them. They are important because they calm me down and help me see clearly. Also, they keep me out of the hospital.
Post 07:
The psychiatric medications have adverse side effects. I'm eating a lot more, get headaches, extreme fatigue, brain fog (memory issues), esophagus "paralysis" (difficulty swallowing). I don't want dementia or cancer. Though, I want to be mentally healthy. I'm calmer on my meds.
Post 08:
An incorrect thought I'll often get: my parents INTENDED to hurt me. They're evil. They did this to me.
This can be changed to: they did the best they could. They owe me nothing at 35 years old.
Post 09:
A delusion I often get: an ex-girlfriend, old friend, undercover celebrity, someone significant LOVES ME IN SECRET.
The reality: I'm pouring my life down the drain solitary.
Post 10:
I belive I should be a rich and famous movie star. Swallow my pride and get any job, even if it's a restaurant waiter or stocking shelves at a supermarket. I shouldn't be a late-night talk show host. That takes years of hard work to obtain.
Post 11:
Social media for me is like a gambling addiction, I think it's going to pay off with superstardom. I need socialization, self-esteem, and financial independence in the real world. My ticket to freedom is NOT SOCIAL MEDIA.
Post 12:
I'm a very talented artist. I intended to get more involved in acting, comedy, and performance to an audience. Reach out to comedy clubs again. Research venues where I can do this. Practice lines and material. Send the emails, make the call. Do it! Don't make excuses.
Post 13:
It's ironic that the people who tried to allege and push the narrative I was a miserable, negative, bad person were ACTUALLY horrible people. I was the good guy who has a heart of gold. Sadly, since I was like a child in my adulthood everyone had power over me.
Post 14:
Stop talking about myself so much and take a GENUINE INTEREST in others. That is how you develop interpersonal relationships and make friends. You listen, then respond. Nobody wants to hear you talk about yourself nonstop in a one-way conversion. I have a bad habit of doing this.
Roommate Claimed To Have Sex With A Prostitute, HIV (04 23 2023):
Freaking Out Roommate, HIV, Nightmare (04 23 2023):
It's Better To Be Alone Than Have A Bad Roommate You Can't Stand (04 23 2023):
Contamination Fears, Esophagus Dysphagia (04 23 2023):
Sketchy Guy, Bloody Gauze, HIV (04 23 2023):
Dr. Garrett, Proclaim Beliefs, Projecting Sexual Frustration, Monsters Behind Their Mask (04 23 2023):
HIV Scare (04 23 2023):
The Psychiatric Hospital Should Be Like Church (04 23 2023):
There Should Be Reform In The United States Of America When It Comes To Mental Illness (04 23 2023):
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