March 30, 2017.
5-years-ago today the definitive "Mr. Mayonnaise", "The Soy Boy", a submissive manchild photo was taken.
I wasn't putting on soy face intentionally. It was brought to my attention years later I put on soy face - a sign of submission.
Enjoy Mr. Pathertic Buffoon!
March 28, 2022:
Post 01:
My mother at the supermarket today was without a doubt bullying me while I had to remain passive. Then I started to get peeved at her. She starts gaslighting me saying things like "U seemed off." Acting like it's all me. She was trying to rile me up and I have to internalize it.
Post 02:
God forbid I brought to my mom's attention how she was mistreating me, bullying me, sadistically torturing me today. Somehow I would get blamed and she would scream at me. So I just say "Sorry. I was wrong." Then I post the truth on social media. Right now she's gaslighting me.
Post 03:
I wish my mother would leave me alone and stop bullying me because I'm getting worked up and I can't escape it. She's INTENTIONALLY trying to incite me. I'm completely passive. Then she gaslights me and makes me think I'm crazy. I need to just distance myself from her.
Post 04:
I bought these disposable plastic cups from the supermarket today. There was a tiny rip in the plastic bag. It might have even been from me or my mom picking it up. But the bag isn't sealed 100%. Would you worry? Or kiss it up to God and use the cups? I'm afraid of contamination.
March 29, 2022:
Post 01:
My health wasn't being taken care of, by both me and my support system. I'm afraid I developed cancer or something life-threatening from the years of hell I lived through. I'm afraid I'm sick and dying. My entire life was pain and suffering, time is running out, soon DEATH!
Post 02:
I'm getting excruciating headaches every single day from stress and frustration. My thyroid hurts. My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. I was in the sunlight constantly. I was taking a "mega regimen" (keyword) of psychiatric medication for a decade. I'm afraid I'm about to die.
Post 03:
I feel like I never had any real pleasure or fun. My entire life felt like unimaginable torture, a nightmare you can't even comprehend. My life couldn't have turned out worse. The icing on the care - the years of hell killed me just when I'm about to become successful and happy.
Post 04:
I need to remind myself I'm being a hypocandric. There's no evidence that I'm sick and dying. All evidence is I'm healthy. For all intents and purposes, I should have a long healthy life ahead of me. I'll look back on this nightmare and realize I came a long way, overcame a lot.
Post 05:
I have a tiny cut on my hand. I think it's starting to scab over, but it was bleeding before the coffee shop this morning. I'm about to work out at the gym. I tried putting a bandage over it, but my sweaty hands made the bandage fall off. I'm not going to worry and I'll workout.
Post 06:
I'm getting OCD contamination fears. I'm worried HIV at the gym is going to get into the tiny cut. Dr. Natural told me I have a misunderstanding of how you get infected with HIV. It's blood transfusions, sharing hypodermic needles, and unprotected sex. I'm doing none of that.
Post 07:
Because I'm doing nothing high risk, for all intents and purposes, I will likely never get HIV. If HIV was a pandemic as contagious as COVID-19, as contagious as I think, everybody would be talking about it. It would be all over the news. The reality is it's hard to get HIV.
Post 08:
My delusions correlate with emotion. For example, if my mom is in a bad mood and she peeves me, sometimes tricks my mind and triggers "life and death" trauma. So I think my mom is SATAN, evil, a torturer (delusional). When it's really shades of grey. She's simply in a bad mood.
March 21, 2022:
Post 01:
I feel like I'm getting chubby. :P
I guess try and eat less and exercise more, if I care to get into skinny physical shape again. Then again, do I really have to look flawless? Who cares if I have a belly?
March 22, 2022:
Post 01:
When something traumatic happens a person can look at pictures from before the nightmare, then pictures from after their life changed. It's almost like the trauma is the end of an era, an end of innocence. Your life afterward will never be the same again. So you categorize photos
Post 02:
The first contamination fear that happened tonight at the gym, the employee who was using the mop rubbed it along the edge of my treadmill. It could have been careless. I hope he doesn't view my social media posts and was doing it intentionally to be a bully. Latter's not likely.
Post 03:
I have one last contamination fear for the night. My dad was sitting on my couch with his street clothes today. Then later that night, I popped gigantic acne on my face. It was oozing and bleeding. I touched the chair where my dad sat then I touched the open acne. Should I worry?
March 23, 2022:
Post 01:
When I was leaving the coffee shop this morning, I accidentally smashed my hand/knuckle against the wall by the exit door. I'm afraid I caused a cut on my hand. This is no contamination risk. Somebody would have to just break open their skin in the same exact spot. Improbable.
Post 02:
At the gym tonight, I used the restroom. Touched soap that lots of people touched. But I'm trying not to turn it into a catastrophe. For all intents and purposes, it was the contamination fears free workout today. Didn't really get anything too bad. I guess that's progress.
March 27, 2022:
Post 01:
I'm afraid the overloaded electrical outlets, combined with dust by my computer and under my refrigerator are a fire hazard. God forbid a fire happened, almost ALL OF MY ARTWORK is in here. It would all be lost. I'd be devastated if all my artwork was lost. I have to clean soon!
Post 02:
After the supermarket tomorrow, I'll dust and clean. The really big fire hazard culprit spots are by and behind the computer and under the refrigerator. That's what raises red flags in my eyes. Moving the refrigerator is going to be a little annoying.
Post 03:
Will Smith smacked Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife at the Oscars. I can't tell if it's real or not. Possibly them trying to get people talking. Publicity. Was it acting? Or did he actually slap him?
Post 04:
I've said it once and I'll say it again, my brain is in excruciating pain from the solitude, stress, and frustration. It feels like my brain is on fire. To extinguish the fire I NEED social interaction, ideally a relationship with a girlfriend. I'm afraid stress will kill me.
Post 05:
People don't realize how bad my headaches are. They're excruciating. I'm imagining there's a soulmate secret admirer who is about to arrive. I'm letting her know the solitude and stress is going to kill me, hoping to make her arrive faster. But there's no secret admirer watching.
Post 06:
I want to scream: soulmate secret admirer stop watching me suffer, arrive, end my suffering, moisten my mind by socializing with me.
It's a harsh truth to accept, but nobody is interested in me. Nobody is watching me. Nobody is about to arrive. I need to live in the real world.
March 28, 2022:
Post 01:
When watching entertainment that blurs the line between fantasy and reality it's often hard to tell what's scripted and what's real. Sometimes they do things that appear real, but it's actually an attempt to get people talking. Was Will Smith smacking Chris Rock fake?
Rich And Famous, Movie Star (03 27 2022):
Wonderland Creature (03 27 2022):
Idea Of Reference, 666 (03 27 2022):
Green Bunny, The Accident Made Me Invincible, Superhero Now (My Moms Coloring) (03 27 2022):
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My psychopharmacologist prescribed me Levothyroxine (Synthroid) 75 mg for my Thyroid, which I stopped taking earlier this year (2022).
Levothyroxine (Synthroid) was initially prescribed circa 2013 (I believe), then finally stopped taking it in 2022.
He said the reason I started taking it was because Lithium affects the Thyroid. Even after the Lithium was stopped in 2020 (I believe), I still took the Levothyroxine 75 mg.
Although my bloodwork in September 2021 was in a normal range.
Since stopping the Levothyroxine (Synthroid), I feel like I have a lump in my throat, my adam's apple/thyroid hurts, I have a hard time swallowing.
I googled thyroid cancer, I have "Swelling in the neck, pain in the front of the neck, sometimes going up to the ears, Hoarseness or other voice changes that do not go away."
I'm trying not to worry, but literally every single sign of thyroid cancer I have.
Show Your Feelings (My Dads Coloring) (03 24 2022):
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Trauma, Photographs. Before And After (03 22 2022):
Getting Fat (03 22 2022):
The Monster (03 22 2022):
March 18, 2022:
Post 01:
There's a college-aged woman. She blocked my Cell Waters account. I'm following her public social media posts under another username. I know she's looking at my posts. I feel like we're becoming friends even though we're not actually talking to each other, just public posts.
March 19, 2022:
Post 01:
I'm supposed to see my childhood friends at a Mexican restaurant today. But last night while eating almonds, I bit my tongue and have a cut right at the front of my tongue. Is it safe to eat at a restaurant if you have a cuts in your mouth? Is there any contamination risk here?
Post 02:
After talking with my parents, I'm not going to worry about the cut on my tongue. I'll kiss it up to God then eat at the restaurant. This is no contamination risk. I'm going to see my childhood friends at 2:00 p.m. as originally scheduled. This is not the end of my life.
Post 03:
When I was leaving to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, my mother and stepfather were really kind, genuinely wished me a good time. It's really sad I got sick with mental illness, wasted so much time, and had years of hell. The truth is all of my parents love me and want the best for me.
Post 04:
I have a fresh cut on my neck. I'm assuming I either accidentally nicked myself shaving or it was acne that popped. It's a large cut. I touched it with hands that touched stuff in my apartment. I'm trying to not worry and remember it's no contamination risk. Kiss it up to God.
Post 05:
Although the "accidental razor cut" or "popped acne" is scabbed over and not bleeding. I'm catastrophizing that I actually scratched myself open with my friends at the mall or when I was at the gym. Because I really don't know how the cut happened. Just relax and let it go.
March 20, 2022:
Post 01:
Ignorant people like to diagnose me as having "narcissistic personality disorder." Yes, I like attention and do things that are narcissistic, but somebody with narcissistic personality disorder is incapable of self-deprecating humor. My diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder.
March 21, 2022:
Post 01:
When I was walking into the gym today, there was a lot of trash, garbage, and dirt on the street in front of the gym. Other people were walking into the gym and on the trash right by me. Then a strong gust of wind blew the dirt and garbage into my face/eyes. Contamination risk?
Post 02:
My biggest fear about the dust and garbage blowing in my face from the wind outside the gym is not an empty bag of chips, it's people just having walked on the dirt with their shoes then in eyes. Just relax. Kiss it up to God. It's gross, but no life-changing contamination risk.
Post 03:
My dad's cell phone number keeps sending me things to download that he's not sending. I don't download them. I think "Vladimir Putin" and "Russia" are sending me viruses to get money. It could be my phone glitching out. Although my dad won't, he should scan his phone for malware.
Solitude, Daydreams, Socialization Is The Key To Recovery (03 20 2022):
Movie Star (03 20 2022):
Green Bunny, Contamination Fears (My Moms Coloring) (03 20 2022):
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Post 01:
Although my psychiatrist will likely tell me I'm delusional, I feel as though I have secret admirers and friends out there who are watching me on the sly. I even have a soulmate dream girlfriend and when the time is right she'll arrive. It'll be a truly magical moment.
Post 02:
I daydream I have friends out there. Soon we'll all be movie stars together - in an epic sitcom like Seinfeld.
So stop torturing me. My suffering is not funny anymore. Come save me now.
These are is delusional daydreams! The sad truth is I'm wasting my life in a fantasyland.
Post 03:
I have no friends, girlfriend, or life. I've been solitary for months. Interacting with practically nobody. I have less than 2,000 dollars in the bank. I'm a disabled adult-child at 34-years-old. My social isolation couldn't be worse.
Post 04:
I want to meet friends but I feel so defective and damaged. I don't relate to anybody or anything. When I'm in public I have extreme self-consciousness and feel like everybody is looking at me critically. I feel like a mentally ill freak. I just want to stay in my fantasyland.
Post 05:
The frustration and stress in my brain are so bad that I get these sharp pinching pains. It's not natural to be deprived of socialization for this long. To suffer for my whole life. I'm certain I'm developing brain cancer or an aneurysm if I haven't developed it already.
Post 06:
I need socialization as soon as possible because the frustration headaches are unbearable. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see socialization happening anytime soon. I want a girlfriend and I feel like such a freak who can't get one.
Post 07:
I guess they're opportunities to socialize if I really push myself and try. I should date anybody who is interested. Beggars can't be choosers. Even a date with a woman I'm not interested in is a day out of the house.
Post 08:
I've been washing my hands too much. They're raw, chapped, irritated, like open cuts. I really need to stop washing them as much and start moisturizing. I'm afraid I'm working out with open cuts on my hands. I'm going to kiss it up to God and not worry about contamination.
March 14, 2022:
Post 01:
So basically The Riddler was an over-the-top Brian Wilson.
Post 02:
Something's wrong and I can't put my finger on what it is. Maybe it's an anxiety attack and I'm imagining having a heart attack. But I'm really worked up and there's no reason I should have this much energy. All I'm having is one cup of coffee in the morning and on much less meds.
Post 03:
Aside from a very small dose of prescription psychiatric medication and an ordinary cup of coffee like most people drink (natural), I feel unhealthy and energized. I feel intense, driven, ready to make myself successful. My psychopharmacologist would likely call this "mania."
March 15, 2022:
Post 01:
I was sitting on my car seat with my gym clothes then when I got home I reached onto the car seat to grab change the fell out of my pocket and a pebble that was on the seat got under my nail for a few seconds. This is no contamination risk, right? Kiss it up to God.
Post 02:
I clipped my fingernails and toenails because they were getting too long. Since I used to bite my nails, I'm new to the fingernail clipping routine. I'm still not very good at it. I accidentally clipped one of my fingernails too short. It might be like an open cut. Don't worry!
Post 03:
Somebody end this hostile dependency adult-child at 34-years-old living at home with my parents nightmare RIGHT THIS SECOND. I can't take this anymore. I need friends, girlfriend, independence, freedom. I should not be allowed to waste any more of my life. Too much lost time.
March 16, 2022:
Post 01:
I really want a girlfriend.
Post 02:
I want to message somebody on a text messaging app, but I sent the last four messages. It's not my turn to text.
Post 03:
When I was working out, there was this middle-aged woman on the treadmill next to me. She didn't look like she'd have HIV, but you never know. Because of the fan a strand of her long hair got into my mouth. I'm trying not to worry about contamination and kiss it up to God.
Post 04:
After I was finished at the gym, I used the spray cleaner to sanitize my treadmill. Everybody touches the spray cleaner with their sweaty hands. I left the gym and didn't wash my hands. Then on the car ride home I rubbed my eyes with the contaminated hand without thinking.
Post 05:
Towards the end of my workout, this young guy got on the treadmill next to me. I think his sweat got on me. Though it could have been droplets of my sweat. Again, soup of the day. Broken record. Contamination fears. Kiss it up to God and have a relaxing night without worrying.
Post 06:
I disagree that the OCD has gotten worse. Maybe I'm verbalizing it more. But I think the OCD has actually improved since 2020 and 2021. I'm kissing my contamination fears up to God, relaxing, and letting it go much more easily.
Post 07:
Socialization is the key to recovery. I need to get out, meet friends, a girlfriend, get a life, financially independent. Maybe if I start doing all of this, I'll leave the contamination fears in the past forever. When people are busy they usually don't worry about contamination.
March 11, 2022:
Post 01:
When I'm in public and feel extreme self-conscientiousness, I’m afraid to look at my reflection in a mirror because I see what other people see. I assume other people are looking at me like I’m crazy. What they actually think probably isn't as bad or critical as what I believe.
March 12, 2022:
Post 01:
At Starbucks this morning, there was this customer with rashes (possibly open cuts?) on his hands and arms. He was waiting for coffee. He seemed a little sketchy. Was overweight. Had tattoos. I don't think he touched anything I touched, but he had to use the door to come and go.
Post 02:
Although I'm in my mid thirties I still look very good. Almost like a supermodel movie star. I saw this woman in her early twenties at Starbucks this morning. She was fit, beautiful, and she was standing right by me. I think she was interested. I simply should have said "hello."
Post 03:
For so long I had extreme self-consciousness around attractive women. I need to remind myself how brightly I shine. I rock and roll. I glisten. Attractive women love me. Have confidence. I'm like Elon Musk without the money. I should be dating perfect looking supermodels.
Post 04:
I mustn't feel like a worthless loser. Remind myself I AM THE CATCH. The best artist in modern history. I'm about the be rich and famous. An iconic movie star. And the attractive supermodel-looking women in their early twenties would be lucky to have a boyfriend as great as me.
Post 05:
I noticed when I was working out at the gym, there was a scratch bordering on a cut on my finger. I touched everything at the gym. The treadmill, spray cleaner, door. I'm trying not to worry about contamination and kissing up to God.
Post 06:
One or two of my boneless chicken wings at Buffalo Wild Wings were really fatty today, bordering on gross. I'm trying to remind myself no psychopath is poisoning me. It was just gross meat today. Kiss it up to God.
Post 07:
I bought brand new shoes for the gym. They seem to be good. They're extra wide. Somehow, I'm not sure how, my toe got irritated after gym. When I took off my sock before my shower my toe was bleeding... with my brand new shoes. Just kiss it up to God. No HIV contamination risk.
Post 08:
I'm trying to let go of the bloody toe after the gym contamination fear, but am having trouble...
Like my mom texted in reply, "No hiv risk none...u had shoe and sock and hiv not sitting in wait for you at gym....only sweat lol. Ok try let it go."
She's right. Kiss it up to God.
Post 09:
My mother said "One thing I try and tell myself when you fear so much its like we die a million deaths with worry. Worry changes nothing. Plus what your fear is impossible. So rest you worries."
Also, it's a broken record, same fear everyday just with a new situation causing it.
March 13, 2022:
Post 01:
When I was working out at the gym on the treadmill, wetness got on my ankle. I'm not sure who it came from. Me? My sweat? Somebody else's sweat? The spray cleaner from somebody else? But I'm trying to kiss it up to God and not worry.
Post 02:
Yesterday, I made three videos and I believe I forgot to plug my microphone in for them. It's Brains Brawn Chess, Chester Bennington Linkin Park, and the Big E videos. There's still audio, but the microphone significantly improves it. The performance was good so I'm disappointed.
Post 03:
I'm coming to a realization something nefarious went on in my childhood. I know the people who were involved and harmed me. I'm told it's "delusional." So don't obsess over it. Don't seek vengeance on the sadistic persecutors. Instead, make myself a rich and famous movie star.
Post 04:
Even if my "delusions" aren't delusions. I was 100% right. There would be nothing I can do about it. There’s no evidence. Basically, I need to accept it because there’s going to be no supreme court case. I can’t put them in jail for the hell they put me through. It is what it is.
Post 05:
My delusions are like metaphors. The feelings and emotions are valid and true. But the story, what I say happened, can be so dramatic and get daydreamed to a point that doesn't make sense to observers. Saying they're the evilest of evil responsible for torture is like a metaphor.
Post 06:
Was I running from the truth? Then in 2011, I stopped blinding myself to trauma? Or was I having a meltdown? Getting delusional? Was what I was saying true? Was I being brainwashed and gaslighted to bury the trauma? Made to believe it didn't happen? Intentionally confused?
Post 07:
No matter what happened, I’m a dependent adult child at 34-years-old, deprived of friendship, and girlfriends. And frankly, when my mom stops enabling this fantasyland then I’m screwed. My entire life has been torture, pain, and suffering. HELP ME ESCAPE THIS HOSTILE DEPENDENCY!!
March 6, 2022:
Post 01:
My dad's phone number keeps sending me things to download that he's not sending. Very strange. Maybe it's Vladimir Putin and Russia trying to steal the big bucks from my bank account. Lol. Seriously, not sure what we should do. I don't even know how to scan my phone for viruses.
March 7, 2022:
Post 01:
Fun fact: "The Terrible War March" was written back in 2008. It's one of my first "songs." It has always been me mocking "Hands Held High" and Linkin Park's views on war.
Post 02:
Somebody said how they don't want to watch The Batman because they read, probably on some conservative blog, it's too WOKE. There's an "evil white male privilege" part. Mainstream Hollywood is WOKE. That's every movie. I'll enjoy it even if there's 5 minutes of liberal propaganda.
March 11, 2022:
Post 01:
I read, though it could be clickbait, Paul Dano said his Brian Wilson character that he played in Love and Mercy was an influence on The Riddler in The Batman.
Post 02:
I'm guessing it's only a slight influence, though. Obviously, The Riddler is craziest of crazy and much more over-the-top... But you can really see a little bit of Brian Wilson in the character if you really look for it.
Post 03:
I'm daydreaming after Pet Sounds and Smile, Brian Wilson turned to a life of crime. While everybody thought he was wasting his life, hiding from the world, in his bedroom fantasyland. He actually became The Riddler, began terrorizing Gotham City and The Batman.
Post 04:
My psychiatrist asked my thoughts on The Batman.
It's a sensational movie. It doesn't make academic points about mental health or society. It tells a narrative in an over-the-top way.
If he wants a movie he can play in college psychiatry lectures - The Batman isn't for him.
Post 05:
If you like sensationalistic entertainment, the craziest of crazy characters, dark and depraved cities you'll probably like The Batman. It's not an academic or grounded in reality novel like "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" by, Joanne Greenberg. Batman's a superhero movie.
Post 06:
The Batman is a very long movie. It's near 3 hours. It's hard sitting through a movie that long. I started to lose interest and wanted it to end. Though, the movie wasn't bad. I had a good time. It was a day out of the house. A change from the ordinary routine.
Post 07:
Yesterday, I canceled my early morning psychiatry appointment for today. I told him: it's because I saw The Batman. It was long. The day slipped away. I went to the gym very late. I didn't want to set my alarm to wake up early. I'd rather mute my phone and wake up naturally. Lol.
Post 08:
When I'm in public and feel extreme self-conscientiousness, I’m afraid to look at my reflection in a mirror because I see what other people see. I assume other people are looking at me like I’m crazy. What they actually think probably isn't as bad or critical as what I believe.
Post 01:
I saw a meme mocking the celebrities singing John Lennon's Imagine during COVID-19, joking we need them to save us. Remember that horrible video? It feels like they're intentionally mocking us. How are they that tone deaf? It might just be plain stupidity and there is no malice.
Post 02:
Sometimes I think everybody in the world is smart. How can they not see the problems with the video they made? Maybe they're morons and I'm giving them too much credit.
Post 03:
Somebody said to me "Hell is real." It would be nice if hell was real because they're some very sadistic and evil people in the world who need to get what they deserve for being monsters... But what evidence is there to support the fantasy besides strong internal conviction?
Post 04:
Unfortunately, most likely death is like a computer power off. It's over. Darkness.
Post 05:
Cancer is terrible and often leads to an unpleasant death. Because of my high-risk past, I'm afraid I already have cancer or am going to get it very soon. I really think time is running out for me. I'm dying. Remind myself this is hypochondria. There's no evidence of this.
Post 06:
I get a strong internal conviction that I have cancer. My life is over. I'm dying. And it'll be diagnosed very soon. This is not true. There is no evidence of it. I'm healthy. I'm going to have a happy future. Good days are coming.
Watch at my next PCP doctor's appointment...
Post 07:
Is World War 3 really about to begin? Is Russia going to start launching nuclear missiles? Is New York at risk? I'm afraid the answer to all these questions is "Yes" and the world is about to end.
Green Bunny, Padded Room, Looney Bin (My Moms Coloring) (03 04 2022):
March 2, 2022:
Post 01:
I bit my lip AGAIN. This time the cut in my mouth is even worse than yesterdays, even more open and bloody. The lady at the coffee shop was touching the lid of the coffee cup with her hands. I tried not to worry about contamination, kissed it up to God, and drank the coffee.
Post 02:
2 hours before the gym, I smashed my toes on a chair in my room. I didn't see blood, but my toe looked bruised. I put on my shoes, decided to go to the gym, kiss it up to God, and not worry about contamination. While working out, my toe was in pain the entire time. An HIV risk?
Post 03:
Although I had shoes on, I was walking in a public gym and on the treadmill with bruised, and maybe an open cut on my toes from smashing it on a chair in my apartment 2 hours earlier. I'm trying to let my contamination fears go and not worry. Remember it's a broken record.
Post 04:
I realize the OCD contamination fears might not make sense to most people, and they can get annoyed by it, but try to empathize and remind me the irrationality of it, how there's no risk in the situation. It's torturous and feels like I'm really at risk of getting HIV.
Post 05:
I saw a post by Marsha Wright that said: "When was the last time you had a good, warm, hearty, genuine hug?"
The answer to her question addressing EVERYONE. For me, it's been MONTHS.
For so much of my life, I felt unloved and unempathized with. Nobody gives me "genuine hugs."
Post 06:
A stranger at the gym was wearing a Pink Floyd t-shirt. I meantalized he could tell I like Pink Floyd by my body language. It was like I already communicated it to him and I felt ashamed. The truth is the person isn't telepathic, doesn't know me, and can't read my mind.
Post 07:
It's possible the reason I put on blank expressions, try to hide from socialization, and have such bad anxiety is a lot of shame. I feel like everyone can read my mind. They're looking at me critically. I want to hide and run away from the sadistic monsters of the world.
Post 08:
The reality is most people in the real world aren't focused on me. They barely care I exist. And if I did show them the real me, they'd probably be kind, nonjudgemental, and like me. They wouldn't be like the sadistic bullies from my childhood.
March 3, 2022:
Post 01:
Try to be empathetic and remind me how there's no risk because the OCD contamination fear feels real to me. Yesterday, I bit my lip. I have an open cut/sore in my mouth. I drank a coffee this morning, the barista touch the lid with her hands, and the lid touched the cut. A risk?
Post 02:
It's like I'm trying to explain the concept of empathy to my parents and they're incapable of feeling it for me. I'm like: you try to imagine what's in the other persons mind then you GENUINELY feel bad, not PRETEND feel bad, you have to mean it for real.
Post 03:
My mother said how I'm too emotional and sensitive. No, my parents abuse me and don't feel empathy about it. Is this common?
My parents want power and are using me for what I can do for them. I'll be rich and famous. They'll be happy. But their "love" for me is not genuine.
Post 04:
To people who try to claim I don't feel empathy. That's not true. We've cited countless examples in therapy of me mentalizing what's in other people's minds and feeling genuinely bad. Then why do I want revenge on my parents? Because I feel like they tortured me in my childhood.
Post 05:
I took pictures of my toes to show you I am legitimately bleeding after the gym. While walking on the treadmill, my feet hurt, then when I took off my socks, I noticed my toe was bloody (as you can see pictured). Is walking on the treadmill with an open cut a contamination risk?
Post 06:
I have Band-Aids and antibiotics in here. I'll put it on. But you wouldn't worry about walking on the treadmill with bloody toes in my shoes? This is not an HIV risk. My life isn't changed forever. I just need to clean it and let it heal.
February 25, 2022:
Post 01:
Earlier today I scratched my finger on art supplies while doing artwork with my mom. I had an open cut and didn't even realize it. I worked out at the gym without covering it. Then I got home, washed my hands, and my finger was stinging. I remember how I cut myself earlier in day.
February 26, 2022:
Post 01:
I have a cut on my finger that goes pretty deep and stings anytime something touches it. Today at the gym, I wore a bandage over it. But it's an open cut. This is not a contamination risk, right. Nothing to worry about?
February 27, 2022:
Post 01:
Although the cut on my finger is starting to heal now. It was a real slice. Anytime water, soap, or things touched the cut it stung. Deep and open. And I'm not sure how I did it. I'm horrifyingly imagining worst case scenario. Life changing contamination. I'm fine. Don't worry.
March 1, 2022:
Post 01:
I often get angry there's somebody who could have saved me from the HELL my life became and chose not to, but they intend to come into my life at a later date after watching me suffer. Assuming somebody is paying attention to me. Don't let them enter my life. Find someone better.
Post 02:
Nobody has watched me waste my life, enjoyed it, saved my social media posts... NOBODY CARES ENOUGH! If I want a life, talk to people in the real world. Nobody is inflicting isolation and enjoys my suffering. I'm the one who is isolating myself.
Post 03:
Before eating a deli sandwich earlier today, I bit my lip beforehand. The inside of my lip was bloody like an open cut. I don't know when they made the deli sandwich. But I kissed it up to God, ate it, and I'm trying not to worry about contamination.
Post 04:
I made tremendous progress in my mental health recovery since 2011. I have a lot of people to thank for this, like my parents, friends, and doctors.
Post 05:
I believe you can recover from schizophrenia without the use of medication, but it's hard work and you need to try. Schizophrenia is like injuring your mind. So much emotional trauma made me sick. Over time, with hard work, you can heal and make a full recovery.
Post 06:
Often in my videos, I play an exaggerated, sensationalistic character, like a pro wrestling character. It's me, myself, truth, but I exaggerate and embellish my personality for the performance. I'm very dramatic. In real life, I'm very low-key and mellow. I don't talk very much.
Post 07:
What I'm saying in my dramatic videos is true. I'm disabled at 34-years-old. I have no friends, money, or life. I think my social media posts are my ticket to freedom and independence. I'm living in a fantasyland, a daydream world. Living in the real world is the key to recovery.
Post 08:
My biggest struggle is delusions, which is like blurring fantasy and reality. Because I was deprived of socialization, daydreaming, always alone in my head, the line between fantasy and reality became blurred in my mind. This is why getting a grasp on REALITY is so important.
Post 09:
Intense trauma, pain, and suffering cause schizophrenia. Some people are so sick, don't fit into society, so they need medication to numb the symptoms. You REALLY CAN make a full recovery from schizophrenia without medication. You need the right doctors, environment, and friends.
Post 10:
Society doesn't really want to understand schizophrenia. It's easier to say "that man is crazy", "give him medication." The schizophrenic person is usually so sick and does what they're told, but they're barbarically being given a chemical lobotomy with the medication.
Post 11:
I'm not saying psychiatric medication is always bad. If you can't function in society because you're symptoms are so horrible, sometimes the medication last resort is used. But it's a quick and lazy approach to help someone heal from years of trauma, stress, pain, and suffering.
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