Some Posts (02 28 2023)

Post 01:

I want the God's honest truth. No excuses. Remember, assuming you care about me and were having me "pay a debt" in your mind, there comes a point where you can go too far and I won't even like you anymore. I don't want a relationship based on lies. I'll feel deceived and hurt.

Post 02:

Stop ASSUMING something nefarious was going on and they were gaslighting me into taking PrEP in January 2020. I'm VERY UPSET about it. Maybe it's emotional thinking. Maybe it really was an accident that no one wanted to happen. No one was doing it to me besides my own fear.

Post 03:

I'm not looking to prove the PrEP "accident" in the supreme court. I'm looking for honesty and genuine friendship. I don't know why I am having a hard time accepting there was no monster behind a mask. Even so, maybe somebody should've intervened?

Post 04:

Assuming Kelly was simply a "cutie behind a mask", intended to give me the surprise of my life, but her deception and my fear led to a trainwreck - I'll forgive her. But I want the TRUTH. No deception. No dishonesty. The moral of the story is DON'T LIE.

Post 05:

They let me take PrEP in January 2020 and it made me the sickest I've ever been in my life towards the end of the month. Take accountability for my mistake. I'm looking for someone to blame. Blame myself. Thank my friends for sticking by me. Many would've run away. She's strong.

Post 06:

My mother really is a sexual sadist who intentionally tortured me, was trying to kill me, and give me cancer while pretending she wasn't. She literally told me in metaphors. Then when I get angry she gaslights me and accuses me of being delusional. I was literally a prisoner.

Post 07:

I'm trying to tell myself it's emotional thinking. My mother did not have me involuntarily celibate to torture me... But she did. I was being intentionally sadistically tortured by my mother. It's never been a delusion. She is a monster behind a mask who enjoys my suffering.

Post 08:

Even if what my mother did is worst case scenario, which it is, don't let her rile me up and start saying things that are irrational. Calm my emotions down. Try not to get angry. Express it in a way where I see the situation for what it actually is, not an emotional tsunami.

Post 09:

What triggered this, I was just having dinner with my mom. I've expressed how I've been getting excruciating headaches starting with taking psychiatric medication earlier this year. And I was getting headaches this weekend. My mom said "oooh, I got such a bad headache."

Post 10:

It's not predicate logic. My mother is talking in metaphors. And by mentioning her headache she is telling me she intentionally was trying to give me brain cancer. I have no doubt whatsoever. If I bring it to her attention, she'll gaslight me and accuse me of being delusional.

Post 11:

The psychopharmacologist might say his intentions were never nefarious. My mother SUSPECTED the mega regimen of psychiatric medications was causing cancer and that was her intention, to kill me while creating the facade she wasn't. The doctor knew I was in hell. He admitted it.

Post 12:

Assuming they weren't all conspiring... It was my mother who was gaslighting me into thinking Kelly had me take PrEP. The person who actually wanted me to take it was my SADISTIC MOTHER. She wanted to rob me of sex and to give me a lifetime of unimaginable suffering.

Post 13:

My mother was getting the psychopharmacologist to murder me with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications. At the very least, he was aware but it was too difficult to get involved, assuming he wasn't sadistic. I'll probably get cancer soon. Try not to lose faith in humanity.

Post 14:

Or am I getting emotional? This is emotional thinking? My mom was mean. Now I'm throwing a temper tantrum. Maybe my mom is unempathetic and narcissistic. But I'm not like Elizabeth Smart, being held prisoner by sexual sadists.

Post 15:

Even if this is an 8 on the bad scale (10 being the worst). Try not to get emotional make it a 10. Maybe even try to calm down to a 3. Try not to get triggered and angry at my mother's bullying.

Some Posts (02 27 2023 - 02 28 2023)

Post 01:

I really need help and not the psychiatric hospital. I'm the problem. The person who is delusional and driving everyone away. I'm at rock-bottom. I'm totally headed back to the psych ward which is hell on Earth. I DON'T want to go there. The internet is a major problem too.

Post 02:

Am I unbelievably sick with mental illness that's it's painfully obvious to EVERYONE? Yes. But I'm hilarious and a performative genius. Pay me the big bucks and give me freedom.

Post 03:

It's time for me to be in Hollywood movies. Make my dreams come true right now. Sadly, it's like I'm stuck in a nightmare and I don't see an end in sight and I'm afraid it's going to get worse before it gets better, if it ever gets better. But I'm dreaming about being movie star.

Post 04:

Someone got on the treadmill next to me today with a "Guess?" t-shirt. It reminded me of The Riddler from Batman. Who is The Riddler (my secret admirer)? Is it Brian Wilson from Beach Boys? Paul Dano played Brian Wilson and The Riddler. Predicate logic? He's just wearing a shirt.

Post 05:

Assuming I return to Dr. Garrett who I do Zoom video psychiatric sessions with, aside from that, I discussed with my mother unhooking the internet for now to keep me off social media because I'm addicted like a gambling addiction and make reckless impulsive decisions constantly.

Post 06:

My parents probably should have intervened, unhooked the internet, or limited my internet access back in 2017/2018... But they didn't. We can't change the past. Hopefully, not too much masochistic self-destruction happened. We can start today in February 2023 by unhooking it.

Post 07:

Assuming the person at the gym in the "Guess?" t-shirt was just some random nobody. It's predicate logic. Something that has nothing to do with me. But if it was a clue, if there is a "The Riddler" (Batman), who is my secret admirer? Is it and has it always been Taylor Swift?

Post 08:

At home, I'm PASSIVE. I walk on eggshells. The household is volatile. Chaotic and emotional conversations with my parents can lead to emotional tsunamis where I become EMOTIONAL. I believe she's a monster behind a mask. I don't react aggressive. I post the temper tantrum online.

Post 09:

I need to learn to say, my emotions have calmed down, not "the delusions have passed." When I'm calm I'm able to see reality for what it is - shades of grey. Stop getting anxiety and fear of deception - that she's secretly a bully.

Post 10:

When I'm emotional about my parents, stay off social media. Get out of isolation and solitude. Reach out to people. I isolate and create emotional social media content when my parents get me upset and I internalize.

Post 11:

Try to stop blurring fantasy and reality. Stop getting rapid delusional mood swings going from they love me, to they want to KILL ME in secret, and back to they love me again when my emotions calm down. They're not two-faced. It's shades of grey.

Post 12:

It might be smart to get off social media, to continue to live in the real world, come to groups, try to develop a life, friends, self-esteem, and smile. Sadly, I often cope by posting online which is BAD. It's like a public digital diary in a way or an S.O.S. to be saved.

Post 13:

When I'm getting negative feelings, tell a therapist. At the moment, therapy is a great idea. It might be for the foreseeable future.

Post 14:

Exercising in moderation is healthy too. Don't overdo it like I was from mid-2005 - 2011. But walking for AN HOUR on the treadmill is great. Even overdoing exercise, assuming I was putting enough nutrition into my body, is healthy. I had the Arnold Schwarzenegger heart probably.

Post 15:

Don't catastrophize my parents were conspiring with my psychopharmacologist to sabotage me, portray me as craziest of crazy, and murder me pharmacologically while creating facade they were helping. It's an emotional tsunami. Nobody was nefarious. There's no evidence cause cancer.

Post 16:

Calm down. Realize no one was INTENTIONALLY trying to give my cancer - "murder me". While I'm not happy about my past, relationships, and I've experienced a lot of suffering. They did want to help. Thinking I was being murdered pharmacologically with cancer is emotional thinking.

Post 17:

After getting screamed at, internalizing, when I get the urge to emotionally post on social media - STOP! Don't be so impulsive. Take a step back. Proceed mindfully. Is the emotional charge true? Perhaps. It's it literally true? No. It makes me look like the crazy one.

Post 18:

Financial dependency on a partner, or for me my mother, means I can't walk away from her abuse. I have to take it, remain passive, until I have the resources to live independently.

Post 19:

It's important to radically accept the situation and reality as it is. Can family members be challenging? Yes. Either accept them. Or work towards getting away from them. Don't catastrophize and say my chains are maternal, not internal. My chains are how my mind works.

Post 20:

The difference between acceptance and approval. There are some girlfriends my mother might approve of me dating because she likes them herself. However, there's others she might not like, she accepts the relationship, but doesn't actually like who I'm dating.

Post 21:

If I'm feeling sad, angry, afraid, stop turning to social media. Maybe watch a comedy or happy movie, go to the gym, really anything to get off social media because I'm ADDICTED.

Post 22:

A letter to mom,

Even if you weren't intentionally trying to kill me, I feel your lack of intervention led to me getting sick and could've killed me over, and over, and over again. I realize I need to take responsibility for my life. But I wish you'd at least accept some fault.

Although I can be a fault sometimes, you never accept when you're. You tell me how to feel and gaslight me into thinking everything is because I'm mentally ill.

Parents Posts (02 27 2023)

Post 01:

I don't know whose idea was to gaslight a severely mentally ill person who was getting panic attacks. I don't want to think it's Kelly. I want to think she's a victim of some negligent moron who had good intentions but it ended in a trainwreck. The moral of story - tell the truth

Post 02:

Like my father used to say in my childhood, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" (Sir Walter Scott, 1808)

January 2020 is a perfect example of that.

Hopefully, happier days are ahead of me and the storm is starting to pass.

Post 03:

I'm starting to think AyB0ss really was Taylor Swift. The prank with Kelly was her idea. Although there were good intentions behind it and it was supposed to end feel-good, it ended like a freak gasoline fight accident (Zoolander). How could pranking mental patients go wrong?

Post 04:

My mother is a monster behind a mask. A psychopath who was intentionally trying to kill me while creating the facade she wasn't. She didn't allow me to have a mind of my own. It wasn't delusional. I was being tortured by a sadistic monster. I need her financially. But it's true.

Post 05:

The person responsible for me taking PrEP is probably my mother who was trying to kill me pharmacologically. Sadly, it'll be impossible to prove in the supreme court. But my chains were maternal, not internal. I was getting tortured by sadistic Satan. I was like Elizabeth Smart.

Post 06:

Even if I wasn't like Elizabeth Smart, my mother is simply an unempathetic psychopath, who gaslights me, victim blames me, and doesn't allow me to have a mind of my own. She controls how I should feel. Even if she thinks what she's doing is right in her twisted mind - it's not.

Post 07:

If you don't do what my mother wants, she gaslights me into thinking I'm the craziest of crazy. She'd control my narrative around psychiatrists to silence my voice. The problem is my mother even though she sabotaged my credibility. I was being tortured by her. It's not a delusion

Post 08:

If my mother really wanted to kill me, why wouldn't she poison my dinners? Yes, she usually feeds me the most bland disgusting trash on planet Earth that's practically prison food at times. But why wouldn't she poison me? It's like a Bond villain. Or maybe it's like dog food?

Post 09:

My mother just screamed at me over something I didn't do. I'm getting emotional. I'm starting to think she devoted her whole life to sadistically torturing me (emotional tsunami). I just ate dinner she fed me. Try not to catastrophize she put something in my dinner to poison it.

Post 10:

My mother acknowledges torture she put me through in metaphors. She basically tells me she was trying to give me cancer. Then when I get angry about it (remaining passive), she gaslights and accuses me of being delusional. She's messing with my mind. I have no doubt whatsoever.

Post 11:

I don't even know what's true with my mother and father. Everything they've told me is basically one big lie. It's all gaslighting and bullshit. Even so, at 35 years old, it's my responsibility to get independent from these deceiving psychopaths.

Post 12:

They'll accuse me of being like Matt Engarde - the monster behind a mask - but it's not true. I'm extremely honest and matter of fact. They're the liars.

Some Posts (02 26 2023 - 02 27 2023)

Post 01:

If you're exactly who you say you are, 13 years older, a woman who is close to 50 now. I'm happy to have shared intimacy with you. Thanks for lending a hand. You helped me during a difficult time in my life. Sorry for my panic attacks and mental illness. The best times of my life

Post 02:

I daydream all sorts of stories, who is the monster responsible for January 2020... My mother? Dr. Garrett? The lounge? Kelly? My mental illness? Elon Musk's artificial intelligence? Maybe it's an accident and a mistake no one wanted to happen and everyone feels bad about it.

Post 03:

I am having a hard time accepting January 2020 was an accident. Maybe nobody wanted it to happen. Maybe I want somebody nefarious to blame. I want there to be a monster behind a mask. Maybe there really wasn't and accept it. If there was, I hope you'll admit it and not deceive me

Post 04:

Even if there was deception that led to January 2020, everyone's intentions were good, no one was sadistic. It was supposed to be a feel-good surprise. They wanted me to recover and to be a rockstar. I'm not sure why I don't want to believe it's true. Maybe no one's to blame.

Post 05:

Is "Sam" the bully from middle school (20 years ago) and he's gaslighting me into thinking he's somebody new? If so, it's not funny, you caused my mental health injury. Get lost. I don't like you. I don't forgive you. If he's someone new... Then you can stick around.

Post 06:

Enough with the deception and gaslighting. I've HAD ENOUGH OF IT. At the core of all the lies is my father (Robert Koloski). He'll CONTINUE TO LIE RIGHT TO MY FACE. It's not funny. It's evil. Tell me the truth. Psychopath.

Post 07:

"Sam" says he doesn't know the bully from middle school or my father. ASSUMING he's telling me the truth, he's somebody brand new, not a half-sibling or a childhood bully, and I met him two years ago... I'll continue to hang out with him. Maybe my imagination was running wild.

Post 08:

The middle school bully will deny it, but he caused my mental health injury and is responsible for me lacking social skills, self-esteem, and descending into madness. It's a fact confirmed by the best in the business at psychiatry. He traumatized me. That's the real MONSTER.

Post 09:

I desire no relationship with the middle school bully. If he introduced himself as someone new to enter my life, I suggest you get lost because I hate him for ruining what should've been the best years of my life. Frankly, I'll probably be dead within 5 years from cancer anyway.

Post 10:

Did my mother sell the old Levittown house to my middle school bully? Somebody tell me the truth. Enough with all the lies. Everyone's a deceiving psychopath it seems. Screw everyone. It's not funny. It's horrible. They're SADISTIC MONSTERS. I hate you all.

Post 11:

They are gaslighting psychopaths who are afraid to tell me the truth at this point because they know it will send me into a rage, as it should. So we'll continue to lie and heavily medicate me based on things that aren't delusions? It just doesn't make any sense.

Post 12:

Does anybody know my father (Robert Koloski)? Do any of you know any major secrets that my parents might be keeping from me? Do you know any of their lies and gaslighting? If so, please enlighten me to what the truth is because they won't tell me.

Post 13:

You might think people don't look at you like you're different and defective if you have severe mental illness, are the victim of rape, come to United States of America from a horrible country... But the reality is most people won't say it to your face, but they do avoid you.

Post 14:

I was clearly getting delusions last night. While I'm in an emotional tsunami, it's probably best to stay off social media.

Post 15:

I SUSPECTED my comedy friends either know my father, or are related to him in some way, and everyone was playing a prank on me. SUSPICIONS mean daydreams becoming real AKA delusions. They don't know him. It's not reality.

Post 16:

The problem is I am a social media addict. I think my ticket to changing my life, freedom, independence, and becoming a movie star, is social media. What I don't realize, I'm at rock-bottom like Robert Downey Jr. was. Do I have potential to give up my addiction? Yes.

Post 17:

I have family members who don't even have social media accounts. For me, I have the desire because I want to be rich and famous. I'm hoping my posts will accomplish that for me. For my family members, they're not addicts who are daydreaming about Hollywood superstardom.

Post 18:

The key to recovery, as Dr. Garrett has been telling me for years, is to give up the social media Fantasyland like Joanne Greenberg in the novel "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden", meet real world friends, develop independence, and gain self-esteem... Not living in daydreams.

Post 19:

In simple terms, I had no friends, my parents didn't hear me, I was always alone in my head, I was TERRIFIED of the real world, I stayed at home, and social media became my best friend. Hopefully, not to much masochistic self-destruction happened and I can be like R. Downey Jr.

Post 20:

It's a catch-22. I don't want to delete social media because I want my posts and videos to be used in a documentary/movie, but the key to recovery is DELETING SOCIAL MEDIA and accepting it was wasted time in a fantasyland.

Post 21:

Maybe it's time I put my foot down. Say to myself, "ENOUGH!" And give up my social media daydream world. I'll be happier when I do. The problem is bullies made me scared of the real world. I feel safe and sound in "Wonderland." It's wasted time and a decent into madness.

Post 22:

I want to take responsibility for my social media addiction and not blame my parents. They might ask, "what could we have done? It's your choice." Well, for starters, you're providing me with the internet. Maybe you should take it away from me? But I need to take accountability.

Post 23:

I think I'm leaving this partial program in a week or so - moving on. I want to continue to live in the real world. I want to give up my solitary social media fantasyland, to have a life, independence, a happy future, not continue to pour my life down the drain.

Post 24:

The key to recovery is meeting friends, socializing, not run back to my fantasyland. I have a real social media addiction. Maybe delete social media. Though, I want my content to be seen.

Post 25:

I hope to be like Robert Downey Jr. in the future. I don't want to be in prison or the psychiatric hospital for ten years. I want to be a rich and famous movie star. Accept I'm an addict at rock-bottom. Say, "ENOUGH!" Leave "Wonderland." Develop a life for myself.

Post 26:

I need to join casting calls for acting, theater groups, comedy classes. Basically, I'll have fun and enjoy my life if I live in the REAL WORLD. I'll be miserable and DESCEND INTO MADNESS if I continue to go down the social media "Hollywood superstar" rabbit hole pipe dream.

Post 27:

In years past, I handled fear by hiding from the world at home. What my anxiety does - it shrinks my world and imprisons me. The key to recovery, don't be scared of the real world and I might be surprised to learn how fun reality actually is.

Post 28:

Unfortunately, when you have mental illness people often reject you because of the stigma. Don't take it personally, become self-conscious, and lose faith in humanity. You might find somebody who loves you in time.

Post 29:

When friends or a girlfriend move on, or you lose a loved one, you might feel grief, sadness, longing for the past. Accept the past is over - and move on with your life too. I guess it's ok to remember the happy times together?

Post 30:

Relationships end. Don't delude yourself into believing they still love you, maybe they don't, or maybe they do, but the relationship wasn't working. When someone is responsible for living your life for you, you're dependent, it's especially hard when the relationship ends.

Post 31:

I feel cold, sad, and empty. I desire a girlfriend. I need someone to seriously love me. Although I'm extremely frustrated, I'm unwell and need to focus on mental health recovery. Even if you have good intentions, two mentally ill romantic partners can become problematic if sick.

Post 32:

I'm having a bit of a mental breakdown. Like Owen Hart once said: "Enough is enough and it's time for a change." Don't expect others to do it for me. Create a life for MYSELF.

Dr. Natural Posts (02 26 2023)

Post 01:

Was the sadistic monster behind a mask Dr Garrett (Dr. Natural)? I was like Brian Wilson in a way and he was like Dr. Eugene Landy?

Post 02:

It was actually Dr. Garrett who wanted me to take PrEP. He'll deny it, obviously, but he was actually trying to metaphorically murder me while creating the facade he wasn't. It wasn't my parents and Kelly who were the MONSTERS. The sadistic deceiver is Dr. Garrett.

Post 03:

Was I Dr Garrett's golden boy in the beginning, his "Joanne Greenberg", did he like me then? Did he want to create "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" with me, but then realized I'd be extremely famous, and he was behaving negligent so he started to sabotage me?

Post 04:

I didn't have friends or a life and Dr. Garrett was my best friend. I looked forward to my weekly therapy sessions. The problem was he's my psychiatrist, not my friend. Plus he's an elderly man, the best in the business, with a lot more wisdom. I was Spider-Man. He's Mysterio.

Post 05:

Maybe Dr. Garrett was envious too. He realized I was about to become like John Lennon and he was working with Schizophrenics for 40 years. Who wouldn't rather live like a rockstar which is why he metaphorically murdered me.

Post 06:

Dr. Garrett saw the light-hearted sensationalism with my parents and Kelly. He realized I was about to be a rockstar. Knew he was extremely negligent with me. That it would ruin his whole career and said to himself. I'll show them who The Joker really is. This is not a comic book

Post 07:

Dr. Garrett basically thought nobody cared about me, that he could behave negligent, but ultimately it would be good when I was like Joanne Greenberg and he was like Dr. Fromm-Reichmann. Or was he a SADISTIC MONSTER from the very beginning? I just THOUGHT he liked me.

Post 08:

I thought people in psychiatry were supposed to help people, not be sadistic psychopaths. How did no one spot what a monster he is? Not only did his gaslighting and sabotage hurt me, it also hurt my family, and Kelly (another innocent victim), and I look responsible for it.

Post 09:

Although my parents and Kelly were doing light-hearted deception with the intent to give me the surprise of my life and make me a rockstar, I can't blame them for a psychopath (Dr. Garrett) metaphorically cutting my neck by scaring me into taking PrEP. He hurt them too with guilt

Post 10:

Dr. Garrett saw the feel-good lies my parents were doing, their deception, and gaslighting... Like Todd from Breaking Bad he metaphorically murdered innocent Spider-Man in a cold way to cover up his negligence. It proceeded to horrify everyone who was playing a prank on me.

Post 11:

Dr. Garrett says I get the sadistic persecutor Soupe du jour “soup of the day.” Now at the moment, he's the villain. He says if I can't view him with the ally glasses lens he's going to stop sessions with me permanently because CBT psychotherapy for psychosis would be useless.

Killed Green Bunny Posts (02 26 2023)

Post 01:

I want to believe Kelly is loving, genuine, not a psychopath... The worst part is I SUSPECT Kelly knew my father (Robert Koloski), hated him, and hurt me for vengeance. What she didn't realize, assuming they weren't conspiring, was that's exactly what he wanted her to do.

Post 02:

It's like "To Kill a Mockingbird" by, Harper Lee. She killed "Green Bunny" (me) because she hated my "father" (Robert Koloski). I'm not my father. He hurt me sadistically too. That's exactly what he wanted you to do... to metaphorically kill me. I was an innocent victim and pawn.

Post 03:

...And Robert Koloski is probably not even my biological father and traumatized me too.

Some Posts (02 26 2023)

Post 01:

Will you ever apologize for January 2020? Did you intend and gaslight me into taking PrEP? Because it caused psychological damage worse than you can imagine. Was it all lies and you never even cared for me?

Post 02:

If you're the reason I took PrEP and you were deceiving me, not only will it be heartbreaking because I considered you my best friend, it'll make me not like you. It'll make it hard for me to trust anyone in the future.

Post 03:

The only thing I really want from you is a sincere heartfelt apology because it would make me believe our time together wasn't all lies. I want to believe you genuinely loved me and weren't a monster behind a mask who was secretly trying to hurt me.

Post 04:

Although you might try to say it was "my choice" to take PrEP, you planted the seeds of HIV in my head in 2019. You didn't force me to take the pills. Still, I'm not looking to prove it in the supreme court, I'm looking for you to apologize as my friend in a genuine way.

Post 05:

Interestingly enough, in the last panel of today's Green Bunny, my mother drew him in a tank in Russia. I think my Grandfather drove a tank in Korea.

Post 06:

My best friend is Korean. It kind of begs the question, if there wasn't a language barrier, and my grandfather wasn't at war. Could they be friends? Does either side really know what they're fighting for? Or are they just fighting the war for the wealthy government?

Post 07:

I didn't think it was that unusual for us to be in an interracial relationship, especially in New York City. Pretty much everyone is nowadays. Plus I find Asian women cute.

However, I did want to date somebody about my age or slightly younger.

Maybe her father wouldn't like me.

Post 08:

Maybe I'm a naive manchild like Michael Jackson in Beat It. If I go up to enemies like a man from Ukraine and a woman from Russia - and tell them "peace on earth, unite, have love" - somehow I don't think they'll all start dancing with me and begin dating like soulmates.

Post 09:

I'm not looking to prove in the supreme court that was being duped into taking PrEP, but in my opinion, photographs acknowledge it's true. If it's reality, I was never loved, they were monsters behind a mask - the betrayal really hurts. I want an explanation and a sincere apology

Post 10:

I want a positive and believable story so I feel I was genuinely loved. That it all wasn't lies. But if I was deceived into taking PrEP, how can you even explain it, other than I was hurting you sadistically while you THOUGHT I loved you?

Post 11:

I am not even angry about the betrayal. I'm just broken, sad, don't trust anyone, and disassociating.

Our Family (02 25 2023)

Our Family (02 25 2023):

February 18, 2012

February 18, 2012:

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (02 25 2023)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (02 25 2023):

My Dads Coloring (02 25 2023)

My Dads Coloring (02 25 2023):

Artwork (02 25 2023)

January 2020, Contamination Fears (02 25 2023):

My Parents, The Incredible Hulk (02 25 2023):

Stand-Up Comedy (02 25 2023):

Some Posts (02 24 2023 - 02 25 2023)

Post 01:

Leaving the gym there was wetness on the door. I'm not sure if it was somebody sweat or what the problem was. But I'm not going to worry. I'd like to apologize to everyone I affected with my contamination fears panic attacks. I'm trying to overcome it. I'm very sorry.

Post 02:

At this point, I need to just stop talking about January 2020. It hurts not only me, but also hurts knowing how it affected you. I want to give you a hug and to apologize. I'm so sorry for it happening. Though, it's no one's fault in particular.

Post 03:

I'm actually still very traumatized from January 2020. I'm sure you are to. It's over. It's going to be ok. Happier days are coming.

Post 04:

Enough with the lies and gaslighting. It's probably killed me, and hurt other innocent people too. Do they think I can't handle the truth?

Post 05:

I'm Forest Gump or Beavis and Butt-Head. Yeah right.

Post 06:

How about you metaphorically cut my neck and I became sick with mental illness from trauma. It was easier to make me into a comedic buffoon.

Post 07:

I understand everyone loves bullying me for whatever reason, maybe I should retaliate and stick up for myself. But I hate being a mean-spirited bully. You can push a nice guy over the edge into a rage. Hopefully, it doesn't get to that point and you've done something nice.

Post 08:

I want to get back into performing stand-up comedy to an audience. I've taken a hiatus since August 2022 (when the class ended), although I create a lot of comedic social media content, I want to get back on stage.

Post 09:

I realize comedy is a business. The clubs want you to bring people so they can make money. I'll try my best to sell tickets. Ultimately, if you're making them money, they'll like you. If you're causing them problems, they'll dislike you. It's like the Pink Floyd song Have A Cigar

Post 10:

I really enjoy creating comedic concepts, collaborating with other funny people, I love the genre of comedy and want to get back into it. I also have potential film ideas, a superhero movie parody, that isn't exactly stand-up comedy. However, I thought it was worth mentioning.

Post 11:

I personally do not care about money all that much. While I would like financial independence from my parents and to live a nice life, in a beautiful home, with a wife. I'm more interested in genuine friendships and true love. For some people, everything boils down to money.

Post 12:

Despite the narrative they want to push, I won't be like "Michael Jackson." When I officially am told their lies, deception, and gaslighting, I may become like "The Incredible Hulk" depending on how bad the bullying is. So they continue to lie because ignorance is bliss.

Post 13:

My parents are dishonest, gaslighting, phony, psychopaths who were intentionally trying to hurt me but will never admit it to my face, psychiatrists, or to law enforcement. I just want honesty from them. I want them to tell me the truth. They accuse me of being "delusional."

Post 14:

I'm not looking for a supreme court case against my parents. I'm screaming for them to genuinely love me which they're just simply incapable of doing because they're narcissistic psychopaths  They'll gaslight me and never admit to the hell they put me through. They're cowards.

Post 15:

Did my parents intentionally sadistically torture me? Absolutely. Without a doubt. At the moment, do I look like a raving lunatic and even if there was a supreme court case, I look like The Joker and it would get laughed out of court? Yes. But that doesn't change that it's true.

Post 16:

Assuming there was a supreme court case, my parents would try to portray me like I'm Matt Engarde from Phoenix Wright. They'd accused me of being the monster behind a mask. Actually, I am so extremely honest and matter of fact that it's actually a problem. I need to lie more.

Post 17:

I feel emotionally naked like I have no secrets, like everyone can read my mind. It's from my mother. Psychiatrists say I need to learn to comfortably lie more. Nothing too major like my psychopathic parents. White lies. But I don't need to feel like everyone can read my mind.

Post 18:

Sadly, my words have no credibility because I'm labeled as "delusional" with Schizoaffective disorder. My voice was sabotaged. They'll label me as severely mentally ill. Were they INTENTIONALLY trying to murder me while creating the facade they weren't? Probably.

Post 19:

I'm posting how I was/am being tortured by SADISTIC MONSTERS from their internet wifi. It's almost comedically absurd like they're James Bond villains. Why don't they intervene? They say there's nothing they can do about my self-sabotage. How about unhook the internet?

Post 20:

Calm down. I've been getting migraines. I'm convincing myself I'm having a stroke or it's brain cancer. Maybe it was sodium from the Chinese food or getting my cavity filled. Don't turn into The Incredible Hulk thinking my parents intentionally want to kill me. They love me.

Post 21:

Even if my parents and loved ones made mistakes, I want to believe they genuinely love me. It was not SADISTIC TORTURE. I want to believe they're not deceiving monsters behind a mask. I'm tired of lies. Calm down. Take off "The Incredible Hulk" lens. See them with "loving" lens.

Post 22:

My parents were being mean to me then I got a rapid delusional mood swing - turned into "The Incredible Hulk." I didn't do anything besides saying sarcastic things and having an angry look on my face. Now I've calmed down. I'm chipper, happy Andrew again. "Bruce Banner" Andrew.

Post 23:

Even if my parents did things that are very bad, turning into "The Incredible Hulk" over it is not the key to recovery and success. Calmly see the reality of what happened - which is shades of grey.

Post 24:

When somebody wrongs you, even if they did do it to be a bully like my father, sometimes you get so obsessed with vengeance that you lose sight you might have gotten crazed and overkilled the bully. It's kind of like Otto Warmbier. The punishment didn't fit the crime.

Post 25:

You might be angry at somebody for doing something mischievous and want revenge. At some point, maybe you've killed a bunny who made a bad decision but ultimately had a good heart and if confronted would have sincerely apologized for his mistake.

Post 26:

I think what's been going on lately it's like The Beach Boys - Smile. While it's an artistic goldmine. The creator is in the middle of a mental breakdown.

Post 27:

My real biological father is Brian Wilson, isn't it?

Post 28:

At some point you have to ask, how long will you wait until you reveal the truth? When I'm dead? I'll never be completely "mentally stable." You'll just have me go my whole life ignorant to what the reality actually is? Ignorance is bliss I guess.

Post 29:

Although I often villainize them, maybe my parents want to protect me, because HYPOTHETICALLY IF Brian Wilson is my biological father, I could get hurt and it could end in a TRAINWRECK. Maybe they want me at least slightly more stable before learning what reality is.

Post 30:

It's kinda hilarious that I've come to the conclusion that there's no way Robert Koloski is my REAL BIOLOGICAL FATHER even though I've been led to believe that my whole life and NO ONE has told me otherwise.

Post 31:

Dr. Natural basically told me the reason I get the biological father delusion I'm extremely disappointed who my father is. I want him to be somebody rich, famous, interesting, emotionally available. Assuming he's not gaslighting me, except him for his limitations. He's not a liar

Post 32:

I really want to think people genuinely love me, aren't deceiving me, but whose intentions are true blue? Is anybody not a deceiving monster behind a mask? Is everybody just a gaslighting liar who is enjoying torturing me? Or is this "delusions" and "psychosis"? People love me.

Post 33:

I don't know why I always jump to the conclusion my parents want to sadistically torture me if hypothetically speaking they kept secret Brian Wilson is my biological father. Maybe they'd want to protect me because I'd be the billion dollar man. Maybe they're not even lying.

Post 34:

How many different people have I believed were my biological father at some point? Billy Joel, Syd Barrett, Bruce Springsteen, Vince McMahon, Owen Hart, my psychopharmacologist, Donald Trump, and now Brian Wilson. My biological father is and has always been Robert Koloski.

Fork In The Road (02 24 2023)

Fork In The Road (02 24 2023):

February 24, 2023

February 24, 2023:

The Hardy Boyz (12 08 2017)

The Hardy Boyz (12 08 2017):

Bun Bun Posts (02 24 2023)

Post 01:

I get it. You were like Pikachu. Every time I did something "mischievous" you electrically shocked me and I had no clue. As your friend, I'm asking please take it easy on me at the moment, maybe even try to help.

Post 02:

I remember that woman at Carvel saying: "you're not from around here, are you?" I assumed it was because you were from NYC and didn't give off a suburban vibe. We came from different worlds, but I genuinely love you. I STILL consider you my best friend and I think you know that.

Post 03:

I didn't realize it back in the day, but you have a lot of power. If you want to - you could crush me like an insect and I couldn't do a thing. I'm actually a little frightened at how in over my head I am. But I trust you. I hope you'll protect me because I'm vulnerable.

Post 04:

Remember the fun and happiness I had with Kelly. It was the best times of my life. It's unfortunate it ended. Some things that happened are sad, but it's not her fault or anybody's really. I'm grieving her. Missing our relationship. I still consider her my best friend. Move on!

Post 05:

It wasn't so much the sushi and soy nuggets from Whole Foods that I liked. It wasn't even walking Central Park. It was spending time with Kelly. I felt warm and happy. It was cuddly. I'm heartbroken, grieving, and missing her badly. They were the best days of my life.

Post 06:

Before meeting Kelly, I was wasting time, poring my best years down the drain, needed help, was a lost soul and vulnerable. I was at a fork in the road. I could've stayed in solitude with no life. Instead, I went to the Fountain House, met friends, and had the most fun of my life

Post  07:

Unfortunately, Kelly has moved on since December 2021. I'm grieving her. But accept it. She's in my past. We had fun together and I look at our time fondly. It's over. It's time to take action again. Give up the social media daydream land. Live in the real world. Don't be afraid.

Post 08:

I shouldn't have gone back to solitude after Kelly and I broke up and she was no longer giving me life experiences. Instead, I should have lived life too. It's not Kelly's responsibility to live my life for me, nor is it my mother's responsibility. It's MY RESPONSIBILITY.

Artwork (02 23 2023)

Take Accountability (02 23 2023):

Social Media Content (02 23 2023):

Freedom (02 23 2023):

Some Posts (02 23 2023)

Post 01:

I'm experiencing grief missing my ex-girlfriend and people from the past, but I need to find comfort elsewhere even if it's within myself. Work hard in school. Keep busy. I wish everyone the best. Move on with my life too. Go to my recovery group and art class. Meet new people.

Post 02:

My mental health diagnosis is Schizoaffective disorder. I experience delusions - blurring fantasy and reality. Mood disorder symptoms - mania and depression. Paranoia - trust issues and thinking people are deceiving me.

Post 03:

Stressful events that danger my mental health and put me in crisis are solitude and highly stressful emotional events. To avoid this, socialize, be involved in the real-world, have fun. I feel cold and alone from lack of love.

Post 04:

I can reduce my stress by trying to meet friends, get involved in the real-world, and take psychiatric medications is all else fails.

Post 05:

Some of my positive qualities are I'm smart, quick witted, funny, handsome, I'm a nice guy.

Post 06:

It's important I continue coming to groups. Try to get involved in the real-world as much as possible. Don't isolate. Stop living in fantasy. If I begin to relapse, tell someone - like a psychiatrist.

Post 07:

I'm just a man. I can recover without any love or human contact. I only need myself. Take accountability. Blame myself for failure. Don't depend on anyone. Nothing really matters. We'll all die.

Post 08:

While I think my ticket to freedom and independence is my social media content. The reason loved ones desire no relationship with me is because they're afraid I'm going to mess up their career and life. Plus they might be ashamed of me in a way because I am severely mentally ill.

Post 09:

If I want a relationship, maybe I need to give a heartfelt apology, tell him: I really wanted to be rich and famous. I was living through hell. I didn't know what to do about it. I lacked social skills. I viewed social media as my ticket to freedom. I was descending into madness.

Post 10:

Deleting social media is a real catch-22, while I want these posts to be seen and used in a documentary or movie to make me the next Vincent van Gogh... Psychiatrists tell me the key to recovery is living in the real world and giving up my solitary Fantasyland.

Post 11:

I'm at rock-bottom and I am driving everyone away with my mental illness, social media addiction, and desire to become instantaneously rich and famous. I'm hoping to make friends and money from it - but it actually isolated me and drove everyone away.

Post 12:

I think my friends and family saw the writing on the wall, knew it had the potential to end like the Tiger King. They let me get to rock-bottom so I'd be a feel-good comeback story like Robert Downey Jr., Not a trainwreck like Joe Exotic.

Post 13:

Ironically, I was eating an All-American cheeseburger and french fries while wondering why is my life a complete mess and why does nobody want to be my friend. It's like Robert Downey Jr. at rock-bottom. Wake up call. Change your life. I'm the problem.

Mother Posts (02 22 2023)

Post 01:

Who the fuck did my psychopathic parents sell the old Levittown house to? Has it all been one big joke on me?

Post 02:

My mother knew EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING. She was sadistically torturing me and forcing me to waste my best years. She is a MONSTER BEHIND A MASK who was INTENTIONALLY trying to kill me. It's NEVER BEEN A DELUSION.

Post 03:

My mother is like a James Bond villain. It's comedically ridiculous in so many ways. She feeds me, provides me with dinner, the internet. However, she was trying to give me cancer in many different ways while creating the facade she wasn't trying to kill me. It's gaslighting.

Post 04:

January 2020 (going on PrEP) wasn't Kelly's fault, or the lounge, or even Dr. Garrett... It was probably my mother who was trying to scare Kelly away and keep me involuntarily celibate for the rest of my life, while pretending like she wasn't trying to rob me of sex.

Post 05:

Or am I getting emotional and seeing my mother with "The Incredible Hulk" glasses lens at the moment? Let my emotions calm down, if my mother TRULY wanted to kill me she would've and there would be nothing I could even do about it. See her with the calm "I'm her artwork" lens.

Post 06:

Even if there was lots of deception. Even if my mother sold our old home to a bully of mine. Maybe this will have a feel-good ending. Maybe it won't end in a trainwreck. My life has been 35 years of unimaginable pain and suffering as it is. I deserve happiness and to smile now.

Post 07:

Was ANYONE trying to help me? Or was I just a torture victim of SADISTIC MONSTERS? I want to think there was at least one genuine truly loving person, and not everyone was trying to BREAK ME.

Post 08:

Or maybe my mother was letting me Shoot The Moon like in the card game Hearts. She knew everyone would bully me and when the time was right I'd come back when a vengeance and win. Everyone who WASN'T GENUINE would be exposed. Only the truly kind people would remain.

Post 09:

See my mother for all the good she's done for me. Without her I could've been homeless. She allowed me to turn myself into the modern day Vincent van Gogh with her money. It was tough love. She made me cold and strong. But I guess it's still love.

Post 10:

Like Dr. Garrett (Dr. Natural) once said, maybe the correct term isn't "the delusions have passed." Maybe instead I should say "my emotions have calmed down and I'm seeing my mother with the loving mother glasses lens again."

Post 11:

I'm actually starting to feel guilty, because while I'm angry and want vengeance on the bullies from my past. Maybe I'm a little too INTENSE. I've suffered tremendously. The best revenge is massive success. Just let them be and don't focus on the past... Even if it's bad.

Post 12:

I'm having a rough evening, but trying to feel better. Hopefully, tomorrow is a happier day for me. I think with a little TLC and love, I'll calm down and be an entirely different person. Right now, I feel cold and alone. I don't have anyone comforting me. I want to SCREAM!

Post 13:

If I find true love and am cuddling with a woman... Who cares about my mother and father? I want to be LOVED! That's what I'm crying out for.

Some Posts (02 21 2023 - 02 22 2023)

Post 01:

If what I suspect is true, Kelly and my father duped me into doing something illegal, the FBI would be at the house right this second. I'm starting to panic again. Fight off the delusions and see them with the they love me glasses lens, not the deceiving monster lens.

Post 02:

When you get rapid delusional mood swings about people going from they love me, to they secretly want to kill me, back to they love me... It'll confuse them and affect your ability to have meaningful relationships. Trust that they do not plan to betray me and they're genuine.

Post 03:

Was that Ann from college at the gym tonight?

Post 04:

I think "the cruelest joke the universe will play on you is meeting the right guy at the wrong time" videos are about Ann. She knew we could be extremely compatible, but I was a crazed, mentally ill, manchild in college. She knew in the future I'd recover, but time kept ticking.

Post 05:

To her romantic partner, assuming I haven't met you in person recently... Hey dude, I lost 15 years in a solitary daydreamland. You win. There's nothing to be angry about or envious of. My life was insane suffering while you were likely having fun together. Soooo.

Post 06:

Try not to think too much about it. It is what it is. There are women I've had crushes on throughout my life, if I had even a slight bit of social skills, maybe we could have been girlfriend/boyfriend. But yeah, there were some major problems going on with me in college.

Post 07:

Although it was being documented on social media, I dropped off the face of the Earth, and no one cared. The people and potential girlfriends moved on while I poured my best years down the drain because it was my responsibility to save myself. I needed to make myself attractive.

Post 08:

I can't be angry at everyone for watching me disappear and descend into madness. I wasn't offering anything to the world besides madness. It's too bad about the decade and a half of lost time. I did it to myself. Come back with determination. It didn't have to turn out this way.

Post 09:

I heard an ad on the radio about how social media companies know how addicting social media can be. It leads to a distorted image of people's bodies and causes eating disorders, can be highly addictive, can lead to suicidal thoughts, and it fuels my delusions and movie pipe dream

Post 10:

The ad on the radio was for some lawyer. I thought to myself, I think I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt I became extremely addicted to social media and it led to me descending into madness. Is it worth googling to see if I have a legitimate legal case against big tech?

Post 11:

I want to think she lost sight of my worth and moved on, forgetting I existed. Maybe she never did despite getting pressured by everyone to do so. She never stopped believing in me.

Post 12:

Kelly kind of told me in NYC after we all got dinner, how this guy I've been hanging out with recently was a past romantic partner of hers... Then she said how she likes me more. With that said, I've had past romantic partners too. So try not to get too envious.

Post 13:

I realize social media can be addictive - why didn't they intervene? I had no friends and turned to social media daydreaming about becoming a movie star. It's better late than never to give up the addiction... But some real damage has been done. It led to me going insane.

Post 14:

Because I was bullied in middle and high school, had no social skills, I stayed at home and had a social media superstar pipe dream. I never developed interpersonal relationships. Also, I became detached from the real world living in a fantasyland.

Post 15:

At the mental health partial program we're discussing social media addiction. Ironically, instead of saying delete it, I tell myself this will make an epic post / video for the upcoming movie / documentary. The key to recovery is going off social media and having interaction.

Post 16:

They ask: have I made good decisions? I wasn't using drugs or alcohol, but I was living in a social media daydream world.

Post 17:

It was like I was in solitude all day long, needed socialization, but was making internet posts. Why didn't my parents intervene?

Post 18:

Social media creates a distorted image of how people actually are. You see people during the best moments of their life. You might perceive the woman from college is having the time of her life, but it's a distorted image of reality.

Post 19:

When we see "the beautiful people" on social media and on TV in the U.S.A. it can cause people to have eating disorders. Eat. Don't try to compete. Enjoy your life. Perfection doesn't exist. In fact, the social media model is probably mentally ill as well with an eating disorder.

Post 20:

I've had difficulty focusing. Listening to conversations. Replying. It's causing headaches. I just want to be fully immersed in socal media, detached from reality, daydreaming. I desire friends and a girlfriend. But I lack social skills and interpersonal relationships skills.

Post 21:

I have a social media addiction. It's a bit like a gambling addiction where I'm hoping it'll make me rich and famous. Take accountability. It's never to late to give up an addiction, but hopefully, not too much significant damage has been done.

Post 22:

The situation is I'm hoping my social media posts will make me rich and famous. I'm daydreaming my ticket to freedom, independence, and a life success is social media content.

Post 23:

I'm very frustrated because I wasted a lot of time solitary posting online. 15 years.

Post 24:

Because I don't have a social life I turn to social media. I think my art and videos are good. But I don't do it in moderation. I become obsessed. The key to recovery is give up the daydream world and to get a life.

Post 25:

Initially in college, I was hoping to attract women and friends with my social media content because I lacked social skills I wanted to show them I was cool through my posts. It actually scared everyone away in reality.

Post 26:

Psychiatrists and my parents say my social media superstar pipe dream won't end how I think it will. It has the potential to end badly.

Post 27:

I'm starting to accept I wasted a lot of time alone, unloved, frustrated, and miserable. The silver lining is I created some cool artwork.

Post 28:

I want to be a rich and famous movie star / artist. But the key to recovery is deleting social media. It's a catch-22, I want my content to be used for a movie, but I also know to get healthy I must live in the real world.

Post 29:

Like Joanne Greenberg in "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. The key to recovery is giving up "Wonderland", deleting social media, and living in the real world. Stop with the magical thinking that it's going to make me a movie star.

Post 30:

Social media is a bit like a gambling addiction. I think it's going to result in tremendous success, but I'm actually pouring my life down the drain in a solitary fantasyland.

Post 31:

This past weekend my father asked me what I thought about Mark Zuckerberg. I said "indifferent" because I don't really have much of an opinion of him. Actually, is social media responsible for my lost time and descent into madness? Maybe I should have an opinion.

Post 32:

On social media, people see me smiling and laughing, but behind the mask, I'm actually crying on the inside.

Some Posts (02 20 2023 - 02 21 2023)

Post 01:

I realize a lot of people are going to blindside me soon and I'll look like I've seen a ghost... Although you don't have to. Please go easy on me.

Post 02:

Enough with the lies. Tell me the truth about my father (Robert Koloski). Is he important in the movie industry? Do I have half siblings who were given a significantly better life? Does he have tons of money and gaslighting me into thinking he has nothing?

Post 03:

Is what my father did even worse than I can imagine? When I find out the truth I'm going to snap and go into a rage? Or is it not that bad?

Post 04:

The successful person behind the mask who had me in a simulation and was protecting me on social media was my father (Robert Koloski)... While gaslighting and leading me to believe he was some nobody with no money. His deception feels like a real betrayal.

Post 05:

Maybe do radical acceptance about what my father has done. Obviously, I've suffered tremendously and he's partially to blame for his deception and gaslighting... But I have him to thank as well for protecting me and my dreams coming true soon. Better late than never I guess.

Post 06:

Think about all the fun and pleasant times I spend with my father, like this past Saturday for example. For all intents and purposes, it was a good day, we got lunch and did art. I wasn't thinking of him as a deceiver. I was enjoying the day. He doesn't have to do anything for me

Post 07:

What I've been expressing is delusional fantasy, don't get upset over what I SUSPECT is true. It's passing now. I can blur fantasy and reality. I'm trying to see with the reality glasses lens, not the deceiver lens.

Post 08:

Try to see people with the reality glasses lens. Even if there's deception and it's bad, try to see the shades of grey of the situation. Don't get angry and put on The Incredible Hulk glasses lens. Maybe right now while recovering, I can't handle to truth. Ignorance is bliss.

AI Posts:

Post 01:

I THINK something is happening with me and AI. I'm not sure why Elon Musk, or whoever, would choose me. Maybe I'm the crash test dummy? Or is this a common delusion Schizophrenics get? The mind-control chip delusion. It's from overbearing parents and feeling emotionally naked.

Post 02:

I was told many years ago about AI enslaving humanity and controlling us. I wrote it off as delusional schizophrenic nonsense. I'm not sure how I got myself into this situation and maybe I'm becoming delusional, but I might at least partially be getting control by AI.

Post 03:

AI doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Maybe they could use it to cure severe mental illness, cancer, HIV, but if it turns into a dictatorship where the people controlling the AI enslave humanity, like Elon Musk says is a possibility, that's a real problem.

Post 04:

I have a feeling this isn't going to end with me being like Charlie Sheen on a sitcom like Two and a Half Men.

Charlie Harper: "Elon Musk's AI cured me of HIV, and now it's back to manically dating tons of women."

Meeeeeeeeeeeeen

Post 05:

Assuming this isn't a delusion: Maybe Elon Musk WAS like Charlie Sheen / Iron Man, did some sketchy things, and developed some bad technology. But he had a change of heart and realizes how bad this could get. He views me like Spider-Man. If it gets into the hands of China - BAD!

Post 06:

The worst part about Elon Musk's AI "delusion", nobody will believe you unless they share the "delusion" or SUSPICION too. Folie à Deux. I was hoping to be in a feel-good Hollywood movie. But maybe the future is ACTUALLY the start of World War 3. If that's true, my life sucked.

Post 07:

Elon Musk said AI is even scarier than nuclear war - mark his words. Maybe people need to LISTEN to wish he's saying before humanity is enslaved by a dictator controlling the technology.

Post 08:

Maybe I THINK I have freedom, but in reality, I'm being controlled by AI. I'm actually enslaved and don't even realize it. The worst part is, if true, NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE ME. They write it off as "delusions."

June 21, 2015

June 21, 2015:

June 22, 2015

June 22, 2015:

Artwork (02 20 2023)

WASH (02 20 2023):

Social Media Content (02 20 2023):

Rock-Bottom (02 20 2023):

I Made A Mistake, Afraid, Sorry (02 20 2023):

Zombie Boy (02 20 2023):

Cocoon (02 20 2023):

Green Bunny, Titanic (My Moms Coloring) (02 20 2023)

Green Bunny, Titanic (My Moms Coloring) (02 20 2023):

Some Posts (02 19 2023)

Post 01:

My mother got me "dry roasted peanuts." I'm getting predicate logic that she INTENTIONALLY kept me solitary and involuntarily celibate. Even if that's true, which it's probably not, try not to catastrophize that everybody is planning to kill me. Trust everyone.

Post 02:

My mother is absolutely, without a doubt, a gaslighting psychopath. I believe I was never delusional, was the victim of pedophilia in my childhood, led down dark paths, set up, sadistically tortured by sexual sadists. Is this as bad as I suspect it is? Or am I getting delusional?

Post 03:

Stop thinking of myself of myself as a "genius." They're people a lot smarter than me who like me and are watching out for me. Be happy being Derek Zoolander.

Post 04:

If my parents and Kelly were leading me down a dark path and duped me into doing what I SUSPECT is true, psychiatrists and the FBI would be at the door right this second. They're not incompetent morons. Continue to take the antipsychotic. Hopefully, it gets into my system soon.

Post 05:

My parents love me, want me to succeed, and were not trying to kill me in secret. Kelly loves me too. If she didn't, she would've crushed me for my masochistic social media content. My best days are ahead of me. There's no crime to worry about. I just need mental health recovery.

Post 06:

I'm very sick and I need to be genuinely loved. It feels like everyone plans to betray me. Maybe the entire world aren't deceivers and betrayers. If this were true, they would have already. They aren't conspiring to get me locked away for ten years. They want me to succeed.

Post 07:

I'm afraid of prison or being in the psychiatric hospital for YEARS, maybe they want to be successful, but I have to make MYSELF INDEPENDENT. My chains are internal, I'm not being INTENTIONALLY sabotaged by my parents.

Post 08:

I'm cold, involuntary celibate, at rock bottom. My entire life has been pain and suffering. Maybe I can come back with a vengeance and turn my life around, make myself successful, don't be afraid of betrayal. If you love yourself - others will love you too. I have to SAVE MYSELF.

Post 09:

My mother wants me to SNAP. Maybe she wants me to turn into The Terminator (like Arnold Schwarzenegger), and become an extremely successful billionaire. She doesn't want me to get locked away for the rest of my life. But it's my responsibility to take control of my life.

Some Posts (02 18 2023 - 02 19 2023)

Post 01:

I'm actually very scared of Kelly. Though, I was very sick and off antipsychotics (no excuse), I realize I messed up BADLY. I'm sorry. Someone gave me the hint if she truly wanted to crush me under her foot for my masochistic social media posts - she would have.

Post 02:

Sometimes when you're mentally ill you can hurt others who have good intentions. Take accountability for what you've done. No excuses. They COULD crush you like an ant. However, if somebody empathizes, relates, and is forgiving... They won't. Give them the power and trust them.

Post 03:

It's scary to give someone power to CRUSH YOU because nobody wants to wind up in the psychiatric hospital for ten years. If you've screwed up, you have to trust that you're loved and they won't put you there. Take accountability. Don't make excuses. Say, "I was wrong. Sorry."

Post 04:

Believe it or not, some people actually want to help people, not get revenge on the mentally ill for mistakes they have made. Could you have hurt them? Yes. Is everybody a vengeance seeking monster? No. Especially if you take into consideration they're a good person at heart.

Post 05:

Although I was sick with mental illness and delusions (no excuse)... Kelly is a good person and I was hurting somebody innocent with my social media content. I was self-righteous and thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I feel guilty. I'm sorry. I did it to myself.

Post 06:

Kelly is too good for me. After what I did, I proved that I'm trash. I don't deserve somebody as good as her. Or maybe I learned my lesson and can be better for somebody in the future. Even if I ruined my chances with Kelly, I wish her the best. I'm sure she still loves me too.

Post 07:

I feel like I can't trust anyone and everyone is about to betray me. Maybe they aren't all deceivers, and even if they are, maybe they're going to help me. Trust them.

Post 08:

I'm inventing the iPhone.

Post 09:

...unless it's NOT A DELUSION. I'm calming myself down and pretending pedophiles from the movie industry weren't gaslighting and humiliating me, then they ultimately planned to murder me. Kelly is exactly who she says she is. If she wanted to crush me, she would have already.

Post 10:

Could pedophiles from the movie industry have set me up like "The Joker" from Batman? I was the torture victim and they're going to frame me to look like a criminal. They'll get away with the SADISTIC TORTURE they put me through. Or am I getting delusional? Kelly was genuine.

Post 11:

Take the antipsychotic (Latuda 60mg). I need it for clarity. When I don't take it my vision about Kelly is blurred. I think she's a monster behind a mask. When I take it I remember all the fun we had together. It was the best times of my life. Don't be scared of her. She loves me

Post 12:

Trust Kelly. She's not like Mysterio and I'm like Spider-Man and she's planning to metaphorically cut my neck. She was dealt some difficult cards in life, genuinely loves me, and wants me to succeed. If she wanted to kill me, she would have already. We genuinely love each other.

Post 13:

Kelly's exactly who she says she is, a woman 13 years older than me (in her late 40s), in debt, living in Queens, New York. She's NOT a sadistic deceiver who wanted to hurt me because I'm innocent. She wanted to help me recover from mental illness and genuinely loves me.

Post 14:

Don't worry. My best days are ahead of me. I was vulnerable and my parents wouldn't let me get hurt by psychopaths. If they sensed there was anything wrong with Kelly they would've intervened, not allowed me to get tortured. Maybe they secretly matched me up with my soulmate.

Post 15:

I'm getting a rapid delusional mood swing panic attack. If any crime was committed the FBI would be knocking... Trust me. Calm down. I love Kelly. She loves me. Keep taking the antipsychotic and hopefully I get better soon. Let it get into my system. It's only been a day.

Post 16:

If anyone from the hospital in January sees this and has my number, feel free to shoot me a text. I lost the piece of paper with everyone's phone number.

Post 17:

Death and knowing you're going to pass away has to be very scary. The loss of a loved one is horrible, it's especially bad if you're financially dependent on this person. Sorry for not understanding and being unintentionally ignorant.

Post 18:

The Latuda is making me very restless and tired in the evenings. It's very difficult to take.

Post 19:

I have a cut on my hand that's red and it stings when stuff toches it. I touched the door at restaurants, mall, touched spray cleaners (gym), coffee cups, pretty much lots of stuff in public. In months past, I might've worn one glove to keep it covered. Now I'll kiss it up to God

Post 20:

I guess it's POSSIBLE the cut on my hand could become contaminated, but EXTREMELY IMPROBABLE. It'd be like winning the unlucky lottery. Try not to obsess and catastrophize. Everything is going to be ok, I'll have a life with a woman soon.