Some Posts (08 30 2022 - 08 31 2022)

August 30, 2022:

Post 01:

Lately, I've had moments where I get rapid heart rate and have difficulty breathing. I am wondering if it has anything to do with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications I took for many years. Can Cabergoline cause lung and heart damage?

Post 02:

My psychopharmacologist said about the rapid heart rate and shortness of breath, "Those sound like panic attacks that are surfacing with the reduction of meds."

Post 03:

I'm getting angry that my father was eating $2,000 steaks at fancy restaurants... But didn't like spending $10 on cheap fast food for me once a week. He got pleasure from my suffering.

Post 04:

Basically, my father had plenty of money. He's just a psychopath who enjoyed torturing me. My mother was aware, but she enjoyed gaslighting me. Sometimes ignorance is bliss because if I was aware the extent of how badly he tortured me I'd probably fly into an uncontrollable rage.

Post 05:

My mother and father like to joke they're turning me into Hitler. At the end of the day, how they tortured me isn't funny. I'm not sure if it's criminal or not. They're psychopaths. It's sad. It's a tragedy. I should cry about the trauma, not turn into a fascist seeking vengeance

August 31, 2022:

Post 01:

My mother was gaslighting me for my whole life. I wasn't the problem. I didn't need the medications that she was forcing me to take. Was she trying to murder me by getting a psychopharmacologist to prescribe a mega regimen of cancer-causing meds? She had to know it was ridiculous

Post 02:

My EOE has been better since cleaning the apartment. Then again, maybe my mom and stepdad stopped poisoning my dinners with something like dish soap. I was getting bad acid reflux tonight and it was after a dinner my parents made me. They love me. They're not poisoning me.

Post 03:

I want to tell them stop putting dish soap in my dinners. Feed me uncontaminated food. The dinners are atrocious and gross to begin with. Worse than prison food. Now it's being poisoned with something like dish soap? Remind myself this is only a theory. It's not necessarily real.

Post 04:

My mother and stepfather are feeding me dinner as a favor to me. I'm 35 years old. They don't have to cook. They're not secretly contaminating my dinners with poison. They cook out of love. If I don't trust them then take over the adult responsibility of making dinner for myself.

Post 05:

I was just in the supermarket and my chest was bleeding. Probably scratched myself accidentally. I'm getting contamination fears. I'm afraid of being alone forever. Relax. Don't worry. I used to accidentally cut myself all the time with the box cutter and I'm ok. Let it go.

Post 06:

I'm getting paranoid my father is a psychopath and jabbed me with an HIV-infected hypodermic needle to rob me of pleasure and fun for my whole life. Even if my father wanted to kill me... Where would he get the HIV needle? If I was stuck by him I'd notice it. Plus he loves me.

Post 07:

My father is a sadistic deceiver. A liar. A monster behind a mask... But he doesn't want to murder me with HIV, right? My father wants me to succeed and to live a happy a successful life. Not have women reluctant to date me because he made me HIV positive.

Post 08:

I was scared and annoyed by my mom and dad today. Emotion overtook me and I got angry tsunami daydreams. I'm starting to calm down. The delusions are beginning to pass. They're not sadistic Satan who wants to kill me. The truth about them is shades of grey. Actually, they love me

Artwork (08 31 2022)

 Walking Alone (08 31 2022):

Contamination Fears (08 31 2022):

Lines (My Dads Coloring) (08 31 2022)

Lines (My Dads Coloring) (08 31 2022):

Black Cat (08 12 2018)

Black Cat (08 12 2018):

Jones Beach (08 31 2022)

Jones Beach (08 31 2022):

Comedy

I have a second comedy performance on September 8, 2022. I hope to sell at least one ticket... Sadly, I don't foresee that happening. :P

Some Posts (08 27 2022 - 08 30 2022)

August 27, 2022:

Post 01:

I actually remembered my dream last night. Bret Hart was having an autograph signing at Taco Bell in Seaford and my father encouraged me to get him to autograph my mom's Green Bunny artwork for some reason. When I got there Vince McMahon was there and started lecturing me.

Post 02:

The conclusion Vince McMahon and I came to was I needed to socialize with women more. He pointed at a woman who was in the direction of Burger King as if to say: GO AHEAD. TALK TO HER.

This post might sound like a joke. But it's not. This was seriously what I dreamt last night.

Post 03:

I'm not a dream analysis expert... But if I had to interpret what it means: get a life with a woman and don't go to "Taco Bell" (the Nassau Coliseum) to get a photo with a 60-something year old professional wrestling legend.

August 29, 2022:

Post 01:

I performed stand-up comedy a few hours ago. I was having "heart problems" and shortness of breath when I first got out in front of the audience. Might've been an anxiety attack... But I recovered. My parents told me it was good. Got some laughs. But it certainly wasn't perfect.

Post 02:

It's easy to say "there's something wrong with my brain", maybe there is, but maybe it's years of trauma and social isolation. My social skills are atrocious. I really need practice talking to people. This comedy class was great because I met some friends and socialized.

Post 03:

I think a theater class is a good idea.

To be honest, I'm scared of NYC and the Fountain House. I'm afraid I'm gonna get assaulted. I feel high-functioning.

I'd take an art class. I'd do meditation.

I don't want to waste my life in a solitary fantasyland like Joanne Greenberg

Post 04:

I'm wasting my life. Pouring my best years down the drain. Hiding from the world at home. Nobody will live your life for you. If you want a life - MAKE IT HAPPEN. When I do live life I usually succeeded. Look at comedy for example.

Post 05:

To Saturday Night Live on NBC: I would host SNL if you wanted me to.

August 30, 2022:

Post 01:

So many people want me to be dumbed down. They don't want a REAL story about severe mental health challenges. They want me to be a comic buffoon like BROKEN Matt Hardy. There's nothing wrong with that character if you like sensational, but I want to tell a deep intellectual story

Post 02:

A real story about severe mental illness scares people, unsettles them, ruffles their feathers. They want mindless feel-good Hollywood BROKEN Matt. The truth is I'm lucky to be alive and if I didn't come back with determination, I could've wound up homeless. Nobody would've cared

Post 03:

To use an analogy they can understand, I'm like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys. I wrote some cool surfing songs a few years ago and I'm still capable of writing them. I've outgrown them as an artist. They bore me. I want to write Pet Sounds. I just wasn't made for these times.

Post 04:

Next week I'm planning on going into New York City for a friend's birthday. I love her, want to celebrate with her, and give her the gifts... But I feel like going into NYC is like going to my execution. I might get assaulted by a criminal or step on something life-changing.

Post 05:

I need to remind myself my fears about New York City are mostly panic attacks and anxiety. Usually when I come home from a day with friends I feel happy. So go. Have a good time. But I'm not going to lie, I can't wait until no longer have to go into New York City for months.

Post 06:

When it comes to this friend - I want to go to NYC because I love her and want her to have a special day... But my mom CONSTANTLY tries to pressure me into going to the Fountain House. I hate NYC. I feel unsafe there and would rather be home for months in solitude.

Sitting (10 23 2012)

Sitting (10 23 2012):

Coin (08 29 2022)

Coin (08 29 2022):

Comedy Notes (08 28 2022)

Comedy Notes (08 28 2022):

Stand-Up Comedy (08 28 2022)

Stand-Up Comedy (08 28 2022)

https://photos.app.goo.gl/X6TU1MdPSJXSNxk1A

Tonight is the night... performing stand-up comedy

Tonight is the night... performing stand-up comedy:

August 28, 2022

August 28, 2022:

August 27, 2022

August 27, 2022:

Some Posts (08 25 2022)

Post 01:

Talking about comedy college like it's an actual university has potential as a joke. My joke about it is, the only university my father would pay for was comedy college... And he won't even help me with homework in something that's creative and fun. But seriously, he didn't pay.

Post 02:

If you want facts, my father didn't pay for comedy college, much like he paid for hardly anything throughout my childhood besides inexpensive fast food. The Fountain House, which is practically a homeless shelter, were the generous ones who gave me an art scholarship.

Post 03:

My psychiatrist said most of the time I view friends and family positively - like my mother. But when I get overtaken with emotion - anger, fear, frustration, etc - I can view her with a sadistic deceiver SATAN lens and lose sight of everything good. The reality is shades of grey.

Post 04:

I might act oblivious but I'm not an idiot. I know the people who are scared and don't want to be around me. I know who's a little horrified to be around me. I'm not always right when I mentalize what's in other people's minds, but often my intuition is right on the money.

Post 05:

Sometimes the schizophrenic person can be smarter than the doctor. I remember I was sending text messages to a doctor and he didn't believe I was writing them. He asked, "did you write these? Did your mother write these?" Of course I wrote them. Who else would have? My mom?!

A lot of doctors assume people with schizophrenia are stupid, mindless, nothing is going on in their mind. Especially when they have an over involved mother who talks for them. Then when they get a glimpse into their loud artwork, they don't believe they're capable of creating it

Post 06:

My mother tries to prevent me from getting thoughts and feelings. I believe if you have an issue talk about it, resolve it, handle it maturely. With my mother, she only sees things from her point of view and she tells you how you're allowed to feel. Obviously, she's a narcissist.

Post 07:

I'm trying to not get the sadistic deceiver delusions about my mother. Don't view her with the SADISTIC SATAN lens... BUT the mega regimen of medications I was taking for a decade was a result of my mother controlling my narrative and making my worst nightmares come true.

Post 08:

Even though the mega regimen of medications was so unnecessary and insane... Keep in mind it wasn't calculated, intentional, and attempted murder. In my mother's and pychopharmacologists mind they PROBABLY thought they were helping me, but they were really killing me with poison.

Post 09:

If my mom is a sadistic torturer (maybe it's the emotional tsunami SATAN lens)... Sometimes it seems like even the "best in the business" at psychiatry would rather prescribe a mega regimen to shut up the mother than save her abuse victim. He's just doing a job and doesn't care.

Post 10:

Instead of saying "the delusions about my parents have passed." My psychiatrists suggested I say, "I've calmed down. I'm no longer so emotional." The truth is nobody was trying to murder me. There was no negligence by doctors. Everyone in family loves and wants the best for me.

Post 11:

Even if my mother isn't sadistically trying to be a bully, she's left me solitary in a Fantasyland, allowed me to pour my life down the drain, shows me no love, treats me like a burden. I'm crying out for somebody to treat me with kindness and empathize, not to be cruel to me.

Post 12:

What my mother has done to me is called emotional neglect. While she provides me with a lot of material nice things. When it comes to giving me any bit of love, I feel an emptiness and coldness coming from her. A void. I feel sad and unloved. I'm angry she can't give me any love.

Post 13:

My mom knows how to rile people up. It's what she does. She knows how to get under your skin. She wants you to react. Don't get emotional. Don't view her with the sadistic SATAN LENS. The truth about her is very shades of grey. She's not evilest of evil. Her bad mood will pass.

Post 14:

While screaming at me and me being silent the entire time, my mother gaslights me. She tells me how I'm the abusive one, how I'm the mentally ill one, how I'm the toxic one. To be frank, I just want to run away from the conversation because it makes my emotion get riled up.

Post 15:

When my mother rants at me about what a loser and burden I am, I learned to say nothing to her... Then I post the frustrations online to let my feelings out.

Post 16:

Eventually when somebody abuses you, calls you a loser and burden, and you say nothing over, and over, and over again (I'm passive)... You're gonna grow to resent that person and you'll want vengeance.

Artwork (08 25 2022)

How I View Friends And Family, The Lens (08 25 2022):

Wasted Time, Life Down The Drain (08 25 2022):

It's The Revenge Of Cell Waters (08 25 2022):

My Dads Artwork (08 25 2022)

 Fire (My Dads Coloring) (08 25 2022):

Doodle (My Dads Coloring) (08 25 2022):

August 24, 2022

August 24, 2022:

Pink Floyd - Vegetable Man (BBC)

Check out "Pink Floyd - Vegetable Man (BBC)"

It sounds like a "schizophrenic" with a twisted "The Joker" sense of humor... Though, humanize mental illness, empathize with the symptoms, not the diagnosis... Was writing a rock song. Syd wasn't damaged!

Some Posts (08 24 2022 - 08 25 2022)

Post 01:

I said to a comedy friend who doesn't really like hockey... You could always go to the hockey game for a pretzel and to socialize with friends. That's kind of the story of sports games in my childhood with my dad. I zoned out for 3 hours and ate popcorn or a pretzel.

Post 02:

I'm actually doing pretty good. Met some friends through comedy. Socialized with them which was fun. This past Tuesday was one of the best days I've had in months. It goes to show meeting friends is so healthy for mental health. The comedy show is Sunday. It'll likely go well.

Post 03:

My mom and stepdad don't have friends besides each other. Some people are introverted and don't desire socialization I guess. I personally want to make friends. Everybody's different. That's why the world is a cool place. If everyone was the same it'd be a boring world.

Post 04:

Some people don't understand how I'm single because ladies should be lining up to date me. :P

Hopefully, I won't be much longer. I was isolated.

Hiding at home. Pouring my life down the drain.

I guess it's a bit like the Pink Floyd album "The Wall".

Post 05:

If you're happy and a good person, who needs friends? Have fun dancing by yourself. Be your own best friend.

Post 06:

Do you remember MySpace? It used to upset me that you could rank your best friends. Nobody wanted to have me as their number one friend. I was nobody's best friend.

Post 07:

When I was in college, there was the "in the relationship" feature that everybody was using on Facebook... besides me. I was always single.

Then I finally got to use the "in a relationship" in 2012. I was so proud.

Post 08:

Social media is stupid, my MySpace was kind of a parody of a MySpace.

Though, social media is good for promoting your artwork and performance.

Post 09:

Is TikTok owned by the Chinese government? I personally want to give the Papi and The Wildman's to the Chinese government so they can have fun watching that nonsense.

That was sort of a joke, obviously.

Post 10:

Do citizens of China like their government? There are definitely a lot of beautiful women there. I wonder what they think about the government, though.

Believe it or not, I'm not an expert on communism and the Chinese government... But I'm never stepping foot in the country.

Post 11:

I have a family member who is on vacation in Poland right now. He visited the concentration camps.

That's got to be an eye-opening, spooky day. It wasn't that long ago too.

Post 12:

To people who are short and tiny. Don't worry about your height. Just enjoy life.

They say everyone in Hollywood is tiny. Maybe you could be in movies.

Post 13:

I think fans of the New York Islanders hockey team are insane. The team hasn't had success since 1984. Anybody left on their fan base has to be a lunatic. Haha.

Some Posts (08 22 2022 - 08 24 2022)

August 22, 2022:

Post 01:

I've been stuck in fight or flight mode. It was putting a tremendous amount of stress on my heart. I suspect medications I took and other factors are putting stress on my heart too. Basically, I'm afraid I'm about to have a heart attack. I just need to relax on the beach all day.

Post 02:

I suspect my father is deceiving me. I suspect he has cancer, is sick and dying. They don't expect me to die first. They expect me to be surprised when the truth is revealed. But people don't realize how bad the stress on my heart is. I might actually get a heart attack and die.

August 24, 2022:

Post 01:

I remember listening to Jim Jefferies talking about getting attacked on stage on the Opie and Anthony show many years ago. I found it fascinating at the time. It actually reminded me of an experience I had in high school. He went backstage and just started uncontrollably crying.

Post 02:

If I get assaulted while performing it'll be a very traumatic night, but will be captured on film. Maybe months from now the shock jock talk shows will have me on - like Howard Stern / Joe Rogan. But seriously, let's hope this is a really fun night with no crazies in the audience

Post 03:

I hate when something costs Something and .01. the guy at the pizzeria just gave me $0.99 cents in change. I wanted to say: couldn't you have just given me the dollar? LOL

Post 04:

The penny pinching cashiers at service industry jobs want more power... If they were given a position of authority, they would do the equivalent of giving you 99 cents at that job too.

Post 05:

If my father ever worked as a cashier, I bet you he'd give 99 cents instead of a dollar to customers just to be a jerk. Now he's an adult and has more power to give 99 cents in other ways.

I was always kind. If I saw it totaled 99 cents, I'd give the customer a dollar. I'm nice.

Post 06:

There was a bandaid stuck to the bottom of my shoe. I'm not sure who it came from. It's gross, but I'm trying not to worry about contamination.

Jump (08 22 2022)

Jump (08 22 2022):

This Is What We Do, Be Kind (My Dads Coloring) (08 22 2022)

This Is What We Do, Be Kind (My Dads Coloring) (08 22 2022):

August 22, 2022

August 22, 2022:

August 23, 2018

August 23, 2018:

Time Posts (08 20 2022)

Post 01:

The more you practice something, the better you'll get at it. So obviously if you're experienced you'll have more skill than a newbie. There does come a point where our cognitive functioning declines. But hopefully that doesn't happen for a while.

Post 02:

When it comes to physical appearance, people tend to look the best in their twenties. However, when it comes to mastering a craft, I want somebody with experience. Somebody in their thirties, forties, or even fifties.

Post 03:

Although the wisdom of being middle-aged is great in some ways. As a society, we tend to glorify the twenties where everything is fresh, new, and magical. Maybe I looked better then. But I'm smarter now than I ever was.

Post 04:

Obviously, in your thirties you're closer to death then you were when you were in your twenties. But there's still a lot of life left, hopefully. You never know. You could always get a surprise cancer diagnosis. It could end abruptly.

Post 05:

Although I like to cry about my life and hopefully I have a lot of life left... I made it to 35 years old. There are people who die of cancer when they're still children. Life isn't fair. So what I wasted my twenties? There are people who never even get to experience their 20s.

Post 06:

While most likely the best is yet to come. Life is also very unpredictable. It could end instantaneously. So don't daydream about a future that may never come. Cherish this moment right now. Appreciate today.

August 21, 2022

August 21, 2022:

Some Posts (08 19 2022 - 08 20 2022)

August 19, 2022:

Post 01:

I think there's something in my apartment that's contaminating my air and making me sick. I'm not sure what it is. Can somebody help me clean some more tomorrow?

Post 02:

I moved the refrigerator and cleaned where it was - it was f****** gross. It looks like it hadn't been cleaned since I moved in here in 2019. I sit right next to that spot all day long. Hopefully that does the trick and I don't feel sick anymore.

Post 03:

I'm gonna keep it clean in here now. I want to live a long life. Not get sick from something so ridiculous and preventable.

Post 04:

It's a learning lesson. I learned you have to clean because if you don't you can get very sick. I'm certain my EoE and headaches are from the filthy apartment. Hopefully, I nip it in the bud now, and I don't get anything life-threatening from something so stupid.

August 20, 2022:

Post 01:

So yesterday, in order to attach my heart monitor, the worker at the cardiologist had to shave a bald spot into my chest hair. She did nothing wrong. But obviously my OCD and monster behind a mask fears is giving me contamination fears. Relax. I was at a sanitary doctor's office.

Post 02:

Try to realize the absurdity of my contamination fears. If you were risking your life every time you went to the doctor then nobody would go. They don't want problems. They don't want to get sued. It's my germophobia. Relax and forget it even happened because there's no risk.

Post 03:

I'm wearing a heart monitor for a week. You weren't supposed to exercise with it or shower during the first 24 hours - I accidentally did both. I read booklet too late. Ugh!

The people I called said it'd be flashing if it wasn't working and we ran a test too - so I guess it is!

Post 04:

It looks like I'll have to do very light exercise while I'm wearing the heart monitor. So I'll take it very easy for a week. I really don't want to wear this again. Hopefully, everything goes back to normal soon, and I have no cardiac problems besides bicuspid aortic valve.

Post 05:

I had acne on my forehead. It was scabbed over. I was in the doctor's office and at the gym with it uncovered yesterday. Then last night, after my shower, I noticed it started bleeding again. A year or two ago I'd be obsessed with HIV contamination fears. Now I don't even care.

Post 06:

Sometimes people say to themselves "he has to be acting dramatic. It can't be as bad as it sounds." Trust me, it's as bad as it sounds... It may even be worse than it sounds.

Artwork (08 20 2022)

Wasted Time, Life Down The Drain (08 20 2022):

Soulmate (08 20 2022):