Double-Bookkeeping (psychosis)

I suffer from Double-Bookkeeping (psychosis). Meaning, I can believe multiple realities at the same time. Even realities that contradict one another. Although my emotions calm down the psychotic reality isn't gone. 

When the "delusions pass" and I'm no longer emotional, the real reality can be stronger, but the psychotic reality is still in the back of my mind. When I'm angry or afraid the psychotic reality becomes the overwhelming reality.

It's kind of hard for someone without schizoaffective to understand how my mind works because they're thinking from the mind of someone who doesn't blur fantasy and reality. They project my mind must work the same way their mind does into my mind. The truth is it's delusions.

Righteous Anger

Obviously, I'm very angry over how my life turned out. I'm very angry that I'm sexually frustrated. I'm very angry that I've been involuntarily celibate for my whole life. I'm angry at reality.

I lack social skills so it's hard for me to meet women. I'm trying but I can't seem to meet women.

I often get righteous anger. When I get this righteous anger, I drift into conspiracy theories. That my mother is a torturer and has me in a metaphorical chastity belt and is getting pleasure from my suffering. That the HIV scare was premeditated. Basically, I disguise my sexual frustration with conspiracy theories. I'm fighting with illusions. That my mother is evil, that ex-girlfriend is evil. It's not reality

If my mother died. I'd be up schitt's creek without a paddle. It'd be a rude awakening. I'd be heartbroken grieving the loss of a loved one. But also if my mother died, I would not be flying to Hollywood superstardom. I'd be grieving my mother's loss and I would not know how to function as an independent adult because I'm dependent on my mother.

Obviously, the daydreams that my mother is a sadist, and that my ex-girlfriends are sadistic. I get a feeling of conviction. I SUSPECT they gave me this HIV scare with premeditated intent because they're monsters behind a mask. And then I get a feeling of conviction.

When you have no self-esteem in the real world, the source of your self-esteem is going to be daydreams. I don't have many interpersonal relationships. I don't have a girlfriend. And the source of my self-esteem is daydreams. It's daydreams ex-girlfriends love me and popstars love me.

When most people daydream the wall between fantasy and reality. You can tell this is a daydream. This is not reality. The line (wall) between fantasy and reality gets blurred. I can't tell what reality is. I get a sense of certainty about things that I SUSPECT.

When I say I SUSPECT and I BELIEVE realize it's a daydream and what I SUSPECT turns into reality. When I say I SUSPECT the HIV scare was premeditated - that's not true. I'm getting righteous anger because I'm sexually frustrated. I want to blame someone because I lack social skills and I don't know what to do about it. I want a girlfriend but don't know how to get one. I disguise it, get delusions, and get righteous anger.

WordPress

https://theakex.wordpress.com/

Facts About Me

I'm very frustrated at the moment, I desire to meet a girlfriend and have a life. But I can't seem to meet one.

Somebody asked me: How much of what I'm doing with the Cell Waters channel is kayfabe (meaning fake)? And how much is real?
Most of it is real at this point. Occasionally I'll do comedy based on reality. But my posts are like a digital diary. Even the comedy that's based on reality, it can be embellished at times. But basically, my channel is real. I hardly ever lie.

Somebody asked me: how long have my struggles with mental illness been?
I guess it's been lifelong, but it's been lifelong since my early 20s. But obviously, I was sick prior to that.

I often get upset that the HIV scare was premeditated. I need to realize it's not true and that I'm getting emotional. It's probably best I don't post on social media. Deep breathing and meditation is a good idea. But I feel like I'm being lied to. But they are telling me the truth. The thing was an accident. It's basically a delusion. I feel like there's truth to it, but it's a delusion. My brain is lying to me.

Somebody asked me: why did I have two psychiatric hospital admissions earlier this year?
I personally think it was the trauma from the HIV scare. However, others say it was stopping my psychiatric medications. I stopped my antipsychotics and everything about a year ago at this time. Last November. I didn't think I needed the medications anymore. They have since put me on Abilify. The hospital sucks. It's like a prison. The reason I stopped the medications was because of the adverse side effects. I was so tired constantly.

For so many years, I was on a mega regimen of psychiatric medications. It was ridiculous. I often feel like my mother was nefarious. I often feel like the psychopharmacologist was nefarious. I was on like the entire pharmacy and I'm just very sad about it.

I feel like it's given me cancer. I feel like I'm dying. However, I got a clean bill of health at my recent physical. Maybe it's just depression and loneliness. According to checkups I'm healthy. That's what the doctor said too. I look healthy and my tests came back fine. I'm a healthy guy... Aside from depression and loneliness.

I used to run over 14 miles a day every day (from 2005 - 2011). No exaggeration. I think I was trying to die. But apparently, exercise is healthy. It's not a good way to drop dead. Because it just made me healthy. 

In my late 30's, my body hurts and I currently do a lot of walking. Thankfully at 36 years old, I didn't die back in the day and I'm still alive and kicking. Because right now I'm having a good life.

INTENTIONALLY TORTURED

They're obviously sexual sadists who get pleasure from my suffering. It's clear as day. Can someone help me? This is not funny. Are they all psychopaths?

They planned to torture me with premeditated intent for years. The whole thing was planned. There's a hidden reality. They're lying and gaslighting me. It's OBVIOUSLY TRUE. They were trying to give me cancer.

The suffering I lived through is unimaginable. I was being INTENTIONALLY TORTURED. They're monsters behind a mask. I'm so frustrated. Try to be calm and Zen. But I'm so angry.

My chains were not INTERNAL. I was in a metaphorical chastity belt.

Dr. Coplan said: "So Day 3 you have all the delusional texting"

I am suffering from being involuntarily celibate for my whole life at 36 years old. But my chains are internal, not maternal. My parents do not get sadistic sexual pleasure from my suffering. No women get sadistic sexual pleasure from my suffering. Only the bullies 25 years ago.

Even if it's true, they're sexual sadists who get off from my sexual frustration and they intentionally gave me an HIV scare, it's my responsibility to create a life for myself and to get independent from my torturers.

Artwork (11 28 2023)

The Vegetables (11 28 2023):

Sorry (11 28 2023):

Isolated (11 28 2023):

Skipping Dr. Coplan

I'm skipping Dr. Coplan today. Not going. Because Mom wants to come and is going to control the session. This is why I didn't want to go back to him in the first place.

My mother is trying to control me into taking medications she wants me to take, not the medications I want. She's threatening to call the police on me if I don't go to Dr. Coplan when I did nothing wrong. All I said is I don't want my mother to go. She's a control freak.

Fine, I'll go to Dr. Coplan. Bear in mind, they'll try to portray me as the craziest of crazy. They will gaslight me and will try to control the session because they want me heavily medicated.

I'm going to Dr. Coplan and will probably take the medications my mother wants me to with a metaphorical gun to my head. I don't want to take them. I'm just being threatened with homelessness. She's like: take the meds or else.

If my session is between me and my doctors, why does my mother have to come today? It's because she wants to control the session. She wants me heavily medicated. And she'll threaten me with the hospital.

I'm told my mother is not going now.

Good, she shouldn't be.

Dr. Coplan said: "Andrew Mom does not control you. These are your own decisions we are working with. The delusions are unrelenting and you need a better solution than succumbing to an endless debate about something that isn’t real anyway.

Dr Coplan"

HIV Scare, Premeditated Intent, Hidden Reality

One of The Swell BoyZ said to me in response to saying the HIV Scare was premeditated, he asked me: 

"Do you have nefarious intentions? Why are you trying to get everyone locked up? What's your angle? Why are you trying to get rid of those around you with premeditated intent? Is it for money? 

I think you've been planning this for years. The jig is up. I'm on to you now

All your other plots didn't work. Calling everyone rapists. Dragging their names through the mud putting their jobs at risk. So now you're trying to get them locked up. You've been the real "metaphorical rapist" all along." 

I disagree. Premeditated intent is the keyword. While it pains Dr. Garrett to see me in this current state of mind, he doesn't think I'm getting these thoughts intentionally to upset him.

ASSUMING what I allege is untrue, it's clear to psychotherapists and psychiatrists that they're DELUSIONS, or an "emotional tsunami" to put it simply.

Obviously, I'm not getting these thoughts with premeditated intent to lock everybody up. I just think there's a hidden reality and I want the truth about what happened. Maybe I need to remind myself there's no hidden reality. People are telling me exactly what they feel and it's delusions.

Artwork (11 26 2023)

Pop Superstar (11 26 2023):

I Suspect (11 26 2023):

MRI Sounds (11 26 2023):

Suffering (11 26 2023):

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (11 26 2023)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (11 26 2023):

May 12, 2012

May 12, 2012:

FetLife

Somebody told me how it sounds like I want a softdom in the BDSM community. They suggested the website FetLife

The following is my profile on FetLife...

I said how I'm submissive, masochist, a victim, and an exhibitionist.

The following is my biography:

I'm a struggling artist and performer. I like comedy, drawing, and creating videos. I'm 36 and currently dependent on my parents and kind of an adult-child. I've been powerless for my whole life. It has made me submissive. I like girlfriends and women who have power over me. Who are in control. I'm kind of looking for somebody who is like my "mommy."

As I said, I like creating videos. I'm an exhibitionist, voyeuristic, and love to perform as well.

Although I fantasize about getting bullied and enjoy it too, I have actually been bullied in my life. Maybe I'm looking for a softdom, they can be sadistic, but will be a friend too.

Isolating Myself, Daydreamland, Have Fun Now

Where there's smoke there's fire. Even if I'm not 100% correct about everything. Even if some of it was accidental. It's still very bad... So they continue to lie to and gaslight me. They don't tell me what the hidden reality is because they know I'll go into an irrational rage.

I SUSPECT they're monsters behind a mask who get pleasure from my suffering or did until their bullying broke me. It didn't break me in a fun sensationalistic wrestling kind of way. It broke me in a trauma victim kind of way. Now I'm walking around completely shattered.

I am so frustrated, am in such pain, I'm really suffering... I'm told no one currently gets pleasure from my suffering. The bullies from school did. But that was 20 years ago. I see everyone having fun on social media. While I'm like Joanne Greenberg. Completely isolated.

I feel like I have no friends - this angers me. 

I have no social skills - this angers me. 

I'm angry that I was bullied.

I'm angry about how my life turned out.

It's a real NIGHTMARE.

The bullies mocked and isolated me in school. When I got older, I started isolating myself. I didn’t do it intentionally. I had social problems and had social anxiety. I would shell myself off from socialization and would rarely assert myself in public.

I want to be a part of the socialization. I'm scared and have no social skills. It seemed like to me the bullies and popular kids were having all the fun. I was jealous. I remember seeing social media profiles of people at parties. I thought everyone was out having fun except me.

It upset me, I remember thinking as a defense mechanism that I didn’t want any friends, I remember thinking I was this outsider, the only one who was truly unique. This wasn’t true, it’s what i thought to feel better, I was hurt. I thought I was missing out.

I am isolating myself and avoiding socialization. I lost my teenage years, twenties, and the beginning of my thirties in a mentally ill, solitary, daydreamland... While everyone else was likely having fun. 

On Friday nights and Saturday nights, I sat in my house, doing nothing, looking at people's social media profiles, wishing I was out like them. I did miss out on life. But life isn't fair. Come back with determination. Have fun now. I'm 36 years old. Time is running out for me.

Paradise Studios (11 17 2023)

Paradise Studios (11 17 2023):

Swing (11 08 2015)

Swing (11 08 2015):

Social Media Models (11 24 2023)

I look at these social media models, and there are a few in particular who are not only beautiful but they seem like they have money. It seems like they're eating the best foods, they're living in mansions, they're having the times of their lives in New York City...

And I'm not going to lie - I'm a little envious. I've been sitting in solitude, eating the worst trash imaginable.

Social media creates a distorted image. I bet you a lot of these people have bad days. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. You only see what they want you to see. You see them at their best. You see them at the best moments of their life. You don't see them arguing with their parents, you don't see them breaking up in a relationship, you don't see them falling and scraping their knee. It's fake.

Even if their life is significantly better than mine... because it is. Everybody's life is significantly better than mine. I'm in the middle class. Yes, I don't have much money. But I look at some people at the Fountain House. Many are homeless. In comparison to me, I bet you some are envious of me and wish they were me.

Who cares what this rich and powerful social media model is doing? Don't look at her profile. Live my own life. Make myself a success. Make myself a comedy badass. Make myself a movie star.

There are people who could be envious of me. Some people at the Fountain House can't afford Doc Martin shoes or Club Room sweaters. Beautiful clothes. They're pricey in comparison to people who are getting handouts.

The social media model is probably living the good life. Things aren't always what they seem.

People at the Fountain House could be envious of ME.

It's BAD

Depending on how bad it is - and it's BAD - it's so bad. They had bad intentions. I MIGHT LEGITIMATELY SNAP AND NOT CARE IF I GO TO JAIL. I WON'T CARE ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS. I'LL JUST BE EMOTIONAL AND ANGRY... AS I SHOULD BE. They're lying and I'm willfully blind.

If someone isn't doing serious damage control, I don't see how when they tell me the truth, how it won't end with me flying into an irrational rage. I'll be so angry. It's just going to be so ugly. It's because they had bad intentions too.

I probably have, or am developing brain cancer from the medications I've taken, and the years of horrible mental health. Who cares if they create spicy content to humiliate themselves? I'm probably going to die young and they never intervened. Instead, they mercilessly bullied me

And to the people who are coming into my life now that I'm an amazing artist, where have you been for the last 15 to 20 years? You couldn't care less if I died of brain cancer or wound up homeless. You just like me because I'm a winner and want to associate with a winner.

Even the secrets are bad beyond my wildest imagination - and they are- try to catch it, check it, change it. Don't go into an emotional tsunami over it. Try to remain calm. Be zen. Don't throw my life away and go to jail over an impulse angry decision. Think rational and mature.

I want the truth but these psychopaths will continue to lie to me. They may never tell me the truth - which is ENRAGING. It's obvious they're many hidden realities, and January 2020 is fishy. It's not a "paranoid delusion." They probably conspired into premeditatedly hurting me.

Even if they did give me the HIV scare with PREMEDITATED INTENT - and everything I'm alleging is true - it feels like I've been raped. I'll want to go crazy if they did it to me. But calmly accept what I've learned. Don't turn into The Incredible Hulk and go to jail or hospital.

Thanksgiving (11 23 2023)

Thanksgiving (11 23 2023):

Fountain House (11 23 2023)

I'm on the train headed to the Fountain House. I'll be walking up 8 avenue then back later this evening. Please say a prayer I don't get assaulted by a criminal, step on something like a hypodermic needle, or something bad. I'm so afraid I'm feeling sick in my stomach. Seriously.

I forgot to take my pepper spray today. It's important to act confident and tough, not like a scared little man-child and a tourist. Walk deliberately as if to say, if you mess with me I'll beat you up.

I need to realize I'm tougher than I realize, I'm not some skinny 18 year old, put on a crazy and angry look while I walk up 8th avenue. I might feel like a weak little man-child vulnerable to criminals, think of myself as a tough badass.

I'll walk hunched and angry, but I'll also be alert. I'm prepared to run if something does happen. Ideally, I don't want to get into a fight with a criminal. I have no idea how to fight.

My whole body hurts. I should've learned self-defense in my 20s. But it wouldn't be a horrible idea to learn self-defense because as I am right now, I haven't the slightest clue how to fight.

Metaphorical Rape - 2

They're CLEARLY lying. These psychopaths gave me an HIV scare with PREMEDITATED INTENT and deserve to be in prison for rape.

Tell me the truth about what happened

They conspired into giving me an HIV scare and getting me to take PrEP, didn't they?! They're monsters behind a mask. Sadistic deceivers. Metaphorical rapists who deserve to be in PRISON.

Are you going to put me in the psychiatric hospital. Be honest. When I get home, will there be an ambulance? It's unnecessary, barbaric, and hell on earth. If so, FUCK YOU!

I DO NOT need the hospital. I'm not a danger to myself or others and that's the criteria for admission.

Dr. Coplan said: "I am definitely not admitting you but you definitely not stable and should be trying the proper treatments instead of spinning your wheels"

My schizoaffective disorder is improperly medicated. It's my fault. I'm really trying to resist taking the meds Dr. Coplan is suggesting... But I've been descending into madness. I guess I need to move the sand and take the meds

They should be in prison for rape.

These psychopaths really gave me an HIV scare with premeditated intent, now admit it, admit you conspired.

Let's say EVERYTHING was calculated and premeditated and many conspired then they should be locked away for metaphorical rape. If it's not a crime it should be. I want the truth if there were nefarious intentions.

Premeditated intent is the key word. While it pains Dr Garrett to see me in this current state of mind, he doesn't think I'm getting these thoughts intentionally to upset him.

ASSUMING what I allege is untrue, it's clear to psychotherapists and psychiatrists that they're DELUSIONS, or an EMOTIONAL TSUNAMI to put it simply.

Metaphorical Rape

Did they gaslight me into having an HIV scare? Tell me the truth.

Is my Uncle Patrick Carroll really Michael Imperioli (The Sopranos actor)?

Did they conspire to give me an HIV scare, Kelly, my mother, did they want to metaphorically rape me?

These psychopaths should be in prison for a literal rape.

Chris Benoit's one of the best technical wrestlers, if not THE ABSOLUTE BEST, to ever work for the WWE. But it's kind of hard to separate the art from the artist. In hindsight, no one thinks about his amazing and intense wrestling matches. They think about the double-murder suicide.

The moral of the Chris Benoit story, you can be great at your job as a fictional sensationalistic performer (fake world)... But if you're a MONSTER in the real world your whole legacy will get erased... As it should. No one will remember your acting talent or you as a performer.

Congratulations, you "main-evented WrestleMania", you were a big star on The Sopranos... However, you metaphorically murdered me to get that role, now it's getting exposed. There'll be a twist of fate. Karma is going to make me a winner now and you dug your grave YEARS AGO.

My father keeps sending my religious quotes. Chris Benoit put Bibles by his wife and son after he murdered them. I guess he found God and is going to heaven, right?! Just saying.

Most men of science realize God is a delusion. There's no scientific evidence to support the existence of ANY RELIGION OR GOD. Faith is "I know it, I sense it, I feel it." God and religion is basically one big organized delusion with no scientific evidence supporting it.

My father said: "So are you saying you don't believe in God, the Bible, heaven or hell?"

That's exactly what I'm saying. God and religion is bullshit. It would be nice if good people were rewarded for good behavior and went to heaven... While bad people went to hell. But the truth is usually complicated. Life is usually shades of grey.

Artwork (11 21 2023)

I Love You All (11 21 2023):

Dr. Natural Literally Called Me A Burden (11 21 2023):

Ahhh, I'm Angry (11 21 2023):

Owen Hart

Dr. Coplan said: "You need clozapine to see if it keeps you out of this debilitating delusional cycle."

It's like Owen Hart. My mother was trying to murder me. She got a "stunt company" to agree to her stupid idea - which was Dr Coplan. Dr Coplan will get sued, but realistically, Vince Russo and Vince McMahon are to blame too for the "accident" that killed Owen Hart.

Why do I think it's going to turn out Owen Hart is actually my kept secret biological father and nobody conspired to kill him? It was his idea, he died in a freak gasoline fight accident to quote Zoolander, basically he wins the Darwin award for having an idiotic death.

Maybe I "need clozapine" and nobody was sadistically a monster behind a mask who was creating a facade they were trying to help me, but secretly, they were trying to murder me pharmacologically. Maybe it's all delusions and psychosis. I'm EMOTIONAL! Catch it, check it, change it.

Even if my mother and Dr. Coplan's intentions were good with the mega regimen of psychiatric medicine which I took for ten years and nobody was a SADISTIC DECEIVER, I was FORCED INTO TAKING THEM. I did not want to take them. It was like: take the medications or be homeless.

I know Dr. Coplan says the medications PREVENT CANCER. They turn off t-cell surveillance, not taking meds causes cancer because the body is inflamed. It seems fishy. That much medication is unnatural. It FEELS LIKE there's a pharmacological abuser because I had no choice.

Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that nobody had nefarious intentions. Dr Coplan didn't have nefarious intentions, my mother didn't have nefarious intentions, my father didn't have nefarious intentions, Dr Garrett didn't have nefarious intentions, it's just a tragedy.

Mom Note (11 20 2023)

Mom Note (11 20 2023):

Nobody Is Coming To Rescue Me, Pouring My Life Down The Drain

Somebody said change comes when your desire for change outweighs the fear. Obviously, I'm anxious. Obviously, I'm agoraphobic. I'm afraid of the real world. So I hide at home safe and sound.

I often cry and blame my mother. But my chains are internal, they're not maternal. Nobody has me prisoner in here. I'm choosing to sit in solitary confinement.

I feel like I'm poured 36 years down the drain. Alone in my head. In Joanne GreenbergLand.

As the song by Gary Burr goes, Love is out there... But I have to go out there and get love. Thinking and wishing love will come to you will kill you if you let it. Obviously, the love will go find somebody else. If you hide away day and night - you'll regret it.

In fairytales, your dream woman might come to you and rescue you. If you choose to isolate, if you choose to hide from the world, love is just going to find someone else. That's the story of life

You'll pour your life down the drain. You'll be frustrated and blame your mother. Hypothetically speaking, if I go to New York City today, I might meet my soulmate. I might meet my dream woman. But if I don't go, my soulmate will find somebody else, and I'll have sat in solitary confinement yet another day.

In fairytales, your soulmate will come knocking on your door and say: "I'm here now, Andrew. Your pain and suffering is over." 

In the real world, you'll sit in solitude. Pouring your life down the drain. Frustrated. Nobody is coming to rescue you. I'm waiting for Godot to rescue me. My soulmate will find somebody else. You have to make life happen.

For 36 years, I've sat back and watched my life pass me by. Nobody is coming to rescue me. I have to rescue myself.

New Psychotherapist, Dr. Garrett

Regarding a new psychotherapist:

Obviously, I don't have much money. I'm on disability. So if I did transfer to a new psychiatrist who specializes in psychosis the doctor would be very expensive - $400 - $600 per session. I don't have the money for that.

Dr. Garrett is very generous in what he charges me and my mother for sessions with his experience. He is reasonably priced for his expertise. He did that almost as a favor and to be kind.

The doctor you referred me to, a colleague of his, is some 20-something-year-old. Fresh out of college. Looking to build her practice. What life experience does she have? I should pay and teach her because I'm an expert by experience.

If I'm looking to go to a psychotherapist who specializes in psychosis - I need to go to a doctor I can AFFORD. The options are: 

1) Either stick with Dr. Garrett. 

2) Or get some newbie. 

I don't have the money to pay for an experienced and talented doctor, except for Dr. Garrett.

Dr. Garrett feels talented psychiatrists shouldn't charge more. Only the rich can afford the best psychiatrists (and doctors). That's a real problem with capitalism. The poor and lower class get inexperienced and inferior doctors. Though, they're usually the ones who need it the most.

Until I make money and am able to afford an expensive psychiatrist - I think I'm going to stick with Dr. Garrett and not terminate sessions with him.

Or I can give this inexperienced 20-something-year-old psychiatrist a chance. She's looking to build her practice. So she charges an affordable fee to get some experience under her belt.

Spider-Man

Dr. Garrett and I should get a Nobel Prize for our work together and our contribution to psychiatry.

Right now, this is like Spider-Man: Far From Home I was deceived then betrayed by somebody I trusted. I'm about to defeat Mysterio. Why do I think in the sequel, Spider-Man: No Way Home, the villain will be over my head the most powerful man in the world - someone like Elon Musk?

Someone, please, get "Peter Parker" a good psychotherapist. He can't handle the truth and what's about to happen to him. It'll end like The Blue Blazer from the WWE UNLESS there's other multiverse Spider-Men out there who will intervene and save him in the nick of time.

Burden

I'm 36 years old. I'm dependent on my mother and have been for my whole life.

My mother treats me like a burden. I know Dr. Garrett said in the past your dependency is BURDONSOME, but she does not view you the person as a burden...

But she is saying she feels burned out and fatigued by me. We have a hostile dependency relationship. She treats me like I'm the bane of her existence.

When I complained about it to Dr. Garrett, he said "But you are a burden, Andrew." 

It really upset me. Yes, she is taking care of me and I should have been independent years ago. It's true. But he could have said something nicer. Would you call somebody in a wheelchair a burden? No! I'm crippled with Schizoaffective.

Dr. Garrett said in reply to that (on November 17, 2023), "Your mother let me know that you were upset by the session yesterday.  I can understand that you might have been.  In hindsight, I fear I could have handled our discussion of some difficult issues more tactfully, as indicated by your distress."

I don't want to be dependent on my mother. Especially because she treats me cruelly and unkind. I want freedom from the hell I'm living in. It feels like everyone tells me I'm a loser.

HIV Scare Posts (11 18 2023)

Tell me the truth... Did they give me the HIV scare with premeditated intent?

They should be in prison for literal rape because that's what it feels like.

My father said: "The truth is : call your dr re: different meds!!!"

"Stop you delusional thinking now. It you can't, the hospital will be needed. Please. Take the medicine that your doctors have told you to take. Please help yourself"

I'll catch it, check it, change it and come out of the emotional tsunami. No one would be THAT SADISTIC that they'd give me an HIV scare with premeditated intent. That's a serial killer level evil. No one I know is that much of a psychopath.

I said to my father: "ENOUGH! Admit you conspired and gaslit me into having an HIV scare. It's OBVIOUS. You're clearly lying. There's a hidden reality and everyone knows it."

My father said: "What happened to catch it check it change it."

Ok, I'll try to catch it, check it, change it. I'm having an emotional tsunami. Something fishy was going on. But no one is so mean that they'd hurt someone vulnerable like that.

Emails, Dr. Garrett, November 2023, our session yesterday

our session yesterday - suggesting an 11:15 follow-up meeting today

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Nov 17, 2023, 5:59 AM

Andrew

Your mother let me know that you were upset by the session yesterday.  I can understand that you might have been.  In hindsight, I fear I could have handled our discussion of some difficult issues more tactfully, as indicated by your distress.  Yesterday afternoon my colleague got back to me about a referral for you.  I would like to meet today to discuss the referral and also to review what we talked about in the session.  In my response to your mother's email I suggested a 1 pm time today, but I think 11:15 am works better for me, given my afternoon schedule.  I am suggesting a 11:15 am ZOOM with you and your mother.  We can use our usual link.  

My Email:

Nov 17, 2023, 6:11 AM

In recent months I've noticed a change in your tone towards me. I feel destain coming from you. Sessions have gone from "the best part of my week" to no longer enjoying them. Yesterday, I was most upset by literally getting called a "burden."

I can meet today regarding the new psychiatrist at 11:15 or 1 pm. Remember, I'd like someone with experience who is talented. Not some "college intern" who is fresh out of college. What life experience does she have?

I know you say it's better to get someone trained, it doesn't matter if she's a lot younger than me. I guess you're right.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Nov 17, 2023, 6:31 AM

OK  see you at 11:15.  We can review what happened in the session and discuss the referral, with your mother on the call, so we are all on the same page.

Artwork (11 16 2023)

Burden (11 16 2023):

They Literally Called Me A Burden (11 16 2023):

Love Is Out There (11 16 2023):

TELL ME THE TRUTH

I don't believe them. There's a hidden reality.

I know they say I'm like a broken record... but I really believe there was a hidden reality.

They should be prison for literal rape.

TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH.

Dr. Coplan said: "No hidden reality."

"Please start Clozaril. This must be agonizing for you."

My father said: "The truth is : call your dr re: different meds!!!"

HIV Scare Posts (11 15 2023)

Post 01:

If the HIV scare wasn't premediated - then explain the pictures

I'm trying to let it go but the photos look too fishy to have been accidental.

They conspired to get me to take PrEP. Tell me the truth. They confess it. Now admit it and tell me who gaslit me.

Kelly metaphorically raped me by gaslighting me into taking PrEP. It's what happened. I don't have HIV. Now let it go and move on.

Were any of my parents involved in gaslighting me? Did either my mother or father conspire? Or both?

And why did these psychopaths hurt me?

I deserve answers that I won't get.

Even though my blood work is clean, I feel raped from January 2020. I feel metaphorically HIV positive. If I find out somebody did that with premeditated intent, I'll be steaming mad. I'll be so enraged. But I deserve the truth no matter how bad it is.

Post 02:

Sorry, I was having a tsunami tonight

I love her again and think of her as my best friend, that's the ridiculous part about how my mind works. I can do from she tried to kill me to she's my bestie.

Post 03:

I think what happened, Kelly took me into bed stuy then later threw the debris. She did not intend for me to take PrEP... But she intended to give me an HIV scare. Unless she did intend for me to take PrEP and it was a conspiracy to torture me. However, I'm assuming that part is accidental.

Post 04:

Tell me the truth, did they gaslight me into taking PrEP?!

Post 05:

I know they say I'm like a broken record... but I really believe there was a hidden reality.

November 13, 2012

November 13, 2012:

Art Show (11 14 2023)

Art Show (11 14 2023):