HIV PrEP (02 29 2024)

Even if there were people who didn't like me. I'm assuming January 2020 was an accident. Maybe I'm just projecting their intentions and they had a heart and they wouldn't have done that to me. I think it was my choice. Nobody wanted me to take PrEP. Maybe I'm trying to gaslight myself into believing that. Maybe they did have sadistic nefarious intent. After years of wasted time, and dehumanization, and after everything, then getting gaslit into taking PrEP and being treated like a piece of meat. That would make me feel sick to my stomach. Was that an accident?

Late 2019, January 2020

When it comes to late 2019 / January 2020, and so on, although I'm thinking maybe Lady Gaga didn't like me try to tell myself it was an accident, try to remember the love I shared with Kelly, and try not to think my mother would conspire with them to get me to take PrEP. Try not to think of them as the Nazis who intentionally tortured me. That's just not what happened. They didn't want to torture me like that I don't think. And even if they did maybe I should tell myself they didn't. Maybe I should tell myself everybody loved me. Gaslight is not the right word - but maybe try to gaslight myself into thinking nobody would do that to me intentionally. They have a heart and people are good. Even if I've made some mistakes, i think nobody would be that sadistic where they would mummify, dehumanize, keep me in solitary confinement, or pharmacologically abuse me. It's almost like death camp-level torture. I'm assuming a lot of what went on was accidental. At least that's what I want to tell myself and even if it was Intentional even if they hurt me with premeditated intent - which I hope is not the case. But even if they did. The best revenge is to let it go and live life well. I hope they're not these sadistic monsters who were singing the Deftones song Change like "I watch a change in you." I watched the smile get wiped from your face. Alright man, I hope people had good intentions. I hope it wasn't sadistic, nefarious, and evil and they're like we're getting revenge. This is great. We're putting this guy in a death camp and torturing him. People say that's delusional. Nobody was torturing me. It was indeed an accident. it was my choice.

Owen Hart

I think the joke about Owen Hart is although he nearly paralyzed the biggest star in the company - Stone Cold Steve Austin - which could've been intentional and he never apologized for that. His death wasn't WWE sacrificing him for that.

Someone knows something about Owen Hart's death. They refer to him as a "genius" in the ring. It seems like the stunt was Owen's idea. He accidentally killed himself in a freak gasoline fight accident to quote Zoolander.

Someone continuing with the trolling said as Owen Hart was falling he selflessly yelled "look out" to save people's lives. Although everyone makes him into a righteous hero - why do I think he screamed something comedically absurd? And it was partially his fault.

Even if the whole quick release stunt was Owen Hart's idea and he's the one that disrupted the show. With that said, Vince McMahon, Vince Russo, the WWE, and the stunt company had some explaining to do because they signed off on it.

Even if Vince McMahon says, "it wasn't my fault" like Gene Snitsky. But seriously, even if Owen Hart was the "genius" who came up with the idea. Ya know?

Some Posts (02 29 2024)

When everyone is listening to one artist - you do you. There's no shame in that. March to your own drummer. Don't follow the crowd. Walk the solitary road. In the end, that's the innovative one, right? Probably not having much fun, though. Don't be a copycat. Be an original.

We can get influenced and inspired. For example, I laugh like a guy I knew from high school. And if you are a copycat. Who cares? The key is to be happy. And not be hard on yourself.

Should I go to the gym? Or art class? I kind of have pent-up energy that I want to let out. I kind of don't feel like drawing today. Though, it might be social. I guess it's better than sitting in my room. Get out. Live life. Be happy. Smile.

Breaking Bad is about someone living a nefarious secret life... But instead, it's Breaking Good. When Hank finds the notebook everyone will laugh. I like positive messages. I think feel-good, wholesome stuff is cool. There's too much darkness, ya know?

Religion ain't for everyone. Seeing people hurt and death makes people feel bad. Breaking Good is the way to go. Do the right thing as the catholic teaches. We all make mistakes. But learn, and live your best life.

Even if someone has made a mistake, I don't think people like seeing people die by falling from the rafters - ya know? It's kinda depressing. Especially if the person is not a bad guy.

I think if I found out I was betrayed and January 2020 was intentional I'd want to die. But listen to everyone. They're telling me the truth. I'm to blame. Not everyone is lying.

Every time the "it's premeditated" thoughts enter my mind - FIGHT IT OFF. Believe and trust everyone even though it seems fishy to me. Not everyone is lying. I'm delusional.

Trust

Even though I feel people are lying. They tell me I'm "delusional." Trust the process. Trust people are being honest and transparent. And enjoy life. It'll get good. No one was trying to or tried to hurt me. Believe everyone. January 2020 was really my choice. There's no deception.

It's time to heal and let love into my heart. It's time to smile again. It's been dark for a while. But positivity (no pun intended) is a choice. Be grateful.

Trust is EARNED. If someone says it's a delusion - I want to believe it's a delusion. The problem is I don't trust people. I think there's a much larger hidden reality. Accept things at face value. If everyone tells me something - then believe EVERYONE.

The problem is feeling lied to and gaslit. Please don't betray my trust because I find it hard to trust people. I won't betray your trust. I'm loyal.

If you lie about the little things - then it's hard to believe them when it's something major.

How Bad Is This? (02 29 2024)

I know it's bad. even the things at face value. Even the things you don't need to see beneath the surface. they're bad. Everything that you take a face value is bad. But did nobody love me? Did my parents not love me? Did I have no friends? Was everybody conspiring to hurt me? How bad are the hidden realities? Was everybody trying to torture me, humiliate me, dehumanize me, and ultimately when the time was right did they want to sacrifice me? Is that basically what happened? Or is this not so bad? On a scale from 1 - 10. 0 is not bad at all. 10 being bad. How bad is this? I'm afraid it's really bad - like a 10 bad. If I find out it is a 10 bad - will I be unable to handle it? Can I not handle the truth? If I find out nobody loved me, everybody was torturing me, everybody was dehumanizing me, then they gave me an HIV scare... I'll be so angry.

They're Lying To Me (02 29 2024)

Even if the HIV scare was done to me with premeditated intent, I joked how I should be like these protestors or riotors, who feel so strongly that they dump gas all over themselves and set themselves on fire to get people to confess. Obviously, I won't do that. That's a hyporbole. It's my way of saying I know it was premeditated. I know they're all lying. I know they're all gaslighting me. I know they wanted me to take PrEP.

If I have to get myself to the point where I'm basically having a mental breakdown, if I have to get myself to rock bottom to try to get these people to confess... ask myself is it even worth it at that point?

If my mother, father, stepfather, Kelly, Lady Gaga - whoever. If they're lying to me, ultimately, if you get to the point where you pour gas on yourself and set yourself on fire. They're never going to confess. I'm not going to literally do that by the way. That was just a joke example. At that point, it's not even worth it. Just avoid them. Have no realtionship with them.

Hidden Realities (02 28 2024)

At this point, even if they don't confess it, it is OBVIOUS they gaslit me into having an HIV scare and into taking PrEP. I wish they'd respect me enough to admit it was premeditated torture.

I've figured out the hidden realities. So what now? Will we play willfully blind? No one is going to congratulate me for figuring out the gaslighting. No one will say here's a billion dollars now that you know the truth. It's my responsibility to create a life for myself.

The people seeking me out at the Fountain House in late 2019 were not there to help me recover. They wanted to break and destroy an already vulnerable mental patient for their own sadistic pleasure. They'll never confess. But that's what happened. I trusted monsters.

It's very sad I was tortured by these psychopaths but maybe it's good in a way that they lie. Imagine they actually confessed it was premeditated. Frankly, that would make me steaming angry. I'm afraid it'd send me over the edge. I deserve to enjoy my life, not suffer anymore.

Dr. Coplan said: "Andrew this is full on psychosis are you taking the abilify?"

Yes, I'm taking the abilify .5 mg every other day.. Soon I'll increase to every day. 

Was the HIV scare premeditated? Stop looking for clues. Everyone tells me it's an accident. It was very traumatic and if they did it with premeditated intent I want them to confess and stop gaslighting.

If they told me HIV scare was premeditated, maybe I couldn't handle the truth. Ya know?Then again, I think honesty is the best policy.Of all the things that would send me over the edge - the HIV scare being premeditated is at the top of the list.But you can't go into a rage 

In a way, I'm like these rioters/protestors, I'm almost willing to literally set myself on fire to get them to confess that the HIV scare was premeditated. I won't. But that's how sure I'm that everyone's lying. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe there's really nothing to confess. 

I want to ask Kelly, did you conspire with my mother, Lady Gaga, and so on, to give me an HIV scare, did they have premeditated intent to get me to take PrEP, or was it really an accident? But I'm always yelled at. Though, I feel it's clearly true.

If people are telling me the truth about the HIV scare. Thanks. I want to trust you as a friend. If you say it's a delusion - then I'll believe it's a delusion. Please don't betray my trust because I find it hard to trust people. I won't betray your trust. I'm loyal.

Lady Gaga - 5

So apparently if this woman who I suspect is Lady Gaga really is Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga really didn't like me and I messed up royally because Lady Gaga hated me. She was going to watch me drown. She liked my other family members. My mother and everybody was gaslighting me - hiding that my family was having the times of their lives with Lady Gaga.

In recent years, since late 2019/2020, have they been trying to help me? I asked somebody - how bad is this? When I discover, and someone finally confirms and corroborates, is it really bad? Or is it not going to be so bad? And even if it is really bad, enjoy life, and make the best of my life.

Lady Gaga - 4

Regardless if it's Lady Gaga in disguise or not, say Sorry, I should've 22 years ago.

Then again, if I'm only apologizing because I suspect this person is secretly Lady Gaga. Well, at that point, don't apologize at all. It has to come from the heart. I need to think of the person as they presented themselves to me. I need to apologize because I'm truly sorry.

Assuming it's not Lady Gaga, and that's what the evidence is, it's I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about what I suspect. Yes, Lady Gaga's social media content is what inspired me to apologize. Predicate logic and ideas of reference. But if I'm only apologizing because I suspect this Lady Gaga in disguise - then don't apologize.

Do I wish my bullies apologized to me? Not really. I don't want to hear from them ever again. And if I do apologize, it will be a difficult conversation, and the apology might not get accepted.

If I do apologize, do I call the person over the phone? Do I send them a text message through Facebook? That's a little cheesy. 

Lady Gaga - 3

If what I suspect is true and Lady Gaga was conspiring to sabotage me because of something that took place 25 years ago... Realistically, don't look back at all the years of social media content that's going to enrage me. Don't look back at everything they've been doing for the past 25 years. Basically, compete with myself yesterday. Try to make myself better than I was yesterday. Don't compare myself to a millionaire or billionaire. Try socially engaging and going to psychosocial clubhouses or recovery groups. Try to make myself better than I was yesterday. Who cares about Lady Gaga? Who cares if she was living the good life? I don't have cancer at the moment. I got a clean bill of health. Was I being held at gunpoint and forced to waste my life, be tortured, and gaslit? I want to enjoy my life. I want to enjoy the years I have coming. Let go of the anger. Let go of the animosity.

Lady Gaga - 2

So Lady Gaga conspired with Kelly and my mom to give me the HIV scare because of something I did to her 25 years ago - when I realize I'm not delusional am I going to be enraged?

I didn't even realize this person was Lady Gaga. They've been lying and gaslighting me for 25 years.

How bad is this?

She claims to have a heart. Unless she means I'm like Owen Hart and she dropped me from the rafters?

Will this get good? Are happy days about to come? Or is it about to be a trainwreck?

Have they been mummifying, dehumanizing, and torturing me for the past 25 years? Or is this not as bad as I'm imagining?

If it's true, their bullying was way too far. The punishment didn't fit what I did.

I feel betrayed by everyone. Did no one genuinely like me? Was no one genuinely my friend? Were they all SADISTIC DECEIVERS?

If I find out this is true - I deserve to be happy and to enjoy my life. Don't go into a rage and wind up in jail or the psychiatric hospital.

Ultimately, I want to think I wasn't a puppet that they were secretly trying to kill and sabotage. I want to think somebody genuinely loved me and had good intentions.

Lady Gaga

25 years ago, a woman who wasn't introduced to me as Lady Gaga and they were lying and gaslighting me about who she was, but apparently I knew Lady Gaga 25 years ago and she didn't like me because I was kind of a jerk to her. She was dating my cousin. She thought I was a monster and a psychopath at the time - which isn't true.

Most of my friends and family erased me because Lady Gaga didn't like me and they liked the rich and powerful pop star. Then I got sick in 2011.

She was in the shadows in late 2019 - 2021. I might have met her under a new identity. They were lying to me about everything - but apparently January 2020 WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is all SUSPICIONS. No one has confirmed anything.

I'm assuming I was mean to Lady Gaga 25 years ago - and every time I was mean she was kind to me. 

In 2012, she was like John Cena, saw my suffering, and rose above hate and forgave me.

Then again she was lying, gaslighting, and my family wanted nothing to do with me.

Maybe she was bullying me from 2016 - 2019 on the Internet.

But it was supposed to be funny. I wasn't supposed to behave like a death camp survivor.

I'm assuming it didn't go according to plan unless she's satanic and evil.

The irony is we could've loved each other, been on the same team, and we should have been like best friends. But that's not what happened at all. Basically, I unknowingly made a powerful enemy.

If we met today with no past history we'd probably be best friends. Unfortunately, we were enemies for 20 years. Though, I didn't realize it. I'm assuming what happened to me was shocking and disturbing. She feels badly now. She's not the only one who is horrified over what happened to me. A lot of people wanted the monster scapegoat narrative about me. They planned to betray me in a sensationalistic way. Before they could, I metaphorically died. 

Or was I supposed to date Lady Gaga 25 years ago? It wasn't my cousin. It was ME! But at the time I was too immature, couldn't handle the opportunity, and was way too sick. If given the opportunity now - I'd be Mr Suave and Cool and we'd be like best friends. But back then I just made a powerful enemy instead. It's tragic really.

Although the social media content makes it seem like she's having the time of her life, everyone is in hell at the moment...

When I discover the truth - I'll want to die.

It'll appear like I was put through a humiliation ritual before they ultimately sacrifice me.

Their intentions were to be mean, but not this mean.

It's a nightmare. Everything should've turned out much differently with us as friends.

It was Lady Gaga who conspired with Kelly and my parents to give me an HIV scare with premeditated intent and get me to take PrEP. 

The reason they gave me the HIV scare is because they wanted to "humble me" - but I was broken, keeping to myself, at rock bottom. They were projecting I wasn't humble onto me. 

HIV Scare (02 27 2024)

I want them to confess there's a nefarious hidden reality about late 2019 / January 2020. If they tortured me intentionally they won't admit it. If it was an accident they won't admit it. I believe there really is something for them to confess that they're withholding from me.

My parents know something. Kelly knows something. I'm so angry because they're lying and gaslighting me. Tell me the truth. Admit the hidden reality. It's so obvious they're lying. It's not sexy. I'm going to be ENRAGED. But try to remain calm and make myself successful.

Stop lying and admit there's a hidden reality about January 2020 or you suspect there's one. It couldn't be more obvious something nefarious was going on. Tell me what it was. Did they hurt me with premeditated intent? Are they sadistic deceivers? Admit it. 

Even if it turns out to be true - they're liars, psychopaths, and gaslighters, who were making me a scapegoat and tortured me with premeditated intent. Don't react and let them portray me as the crazy one. I know there's a hidden reality about January 2020. They won't confess.

I think the worst part of the whole thing is the betrayal by people who were supposed to be trustworthy. The reality is they were monsters behind a mask who did it to me to harm me. There's just no evidence they did it. The evidence is it was my choice to take the medications.

If It's True

Let's say I find out it's true. They were leaving me in solitude. They were neglecting me. They gaslit me into having an HIV scare - whatever the reason may be. And it was my mother, father, stepfather, Kelly, and everything I'm saying is the truth - they're just lying about it.

Let's say they finally do confess, corroborate, and admit it. Let's say they finally say "yep, you're right. It's us. We did it to you. We confess."

What am I going to do about it? I'll be angry. I'll be very angry because it ruined the last four years of my life. I'll be ENRAGED.

But life's not a video game. It's not The Sopranos. What am I going to be a Sephiroth, buy a sword and a gas can, and start torching towns and slaying people? No! If you start doing that you'll wind up in jail or the psychiatric hospital and of course nobody wants to wind up in either of those places because they're hell on Earth.

Even if they do admit they did it to me - the best revenge is massive success. The best revenge is to live life well.

With that said, I SUSPECT there are even worse hidden realities where they're rich, powerful, successful people, and they have a lot of money.

I just hope it's not so bad. On a scale from 1 - 10. 1 being not so bad. 10 being very bad. How bad are the hidden realities? If I find out the hidden realities are 10 bad am I going to be steaming mad? Am I going to be enraged? Or is something good about to happen? Am I just going to be so angry?

No matter how angry I get, no matter how bad the realities are, even if everybody has been enjoying life for the past 20 years while I've been sitting in solitude - and they gave me the HIV scare after I've basically been involuntarily celibate for my whole life. I felt pristine, clean, innocent. Now I feel HIV positive, defective, and damaged.

Even if it's ALL TRUE. Even if it's the worst-case scenario. What am I going to do about it? Start punching a hole in the drywall? No! If you start getting violent you'll go to jail. Ane people don't want to go to jail. Don't be a danger to yourself or others. You can say "fuck you!" to them. You can be disrespectful to them verbally like they are to me. You can curse them out for doing that. It's just words. It's not a crime to yell at somebody especially if they tortured me with premeditated intent.

Let's say hypothetically speaking, the torture was all premeditated, they knew exactly what they were doing. They were making me a scapegoat, they were torturing me. Let's assume everything is true.

Basically, in a way, I don't think they really do want me to react in a rage... but in a way, they do. That way I get tied up in the legal system, or the hospital, and they'll be the "victim." It just fills their scapegoat narrative. It fills their narrative that I'm the monster. It fills their narrative that I'm the evil one.

They want to blame everything on me, say I'm nefarious, evil, a monster, unempathetic, and they want to make me out to be the complete bad guy. They want to make me out to be the complete monster. They don't want to accept any other narrative besides that I'm evil and rage-filled.

In a way, even if I find out they did torture me and it's worst case scenario, the best revenge is to play the violin and cry about it. Express what they did in a way that makes you empathize with the suffering they put me through, not do something criminal. Express the pain they put me through in a way that makes you empathize because it makes THEM look like monsters. it makes THEM look like jerks. It makes THEM look like the evil people.

The best revenge is to try to find true love, enjoy my life, get massive success, and speak about the pain I was put through in a way that makes you empathize when I tell you how badly they hurt me.

People Were Trying To Destroy Me, Scapegoat

I SUSPECT people were trying to destroy me. I didn't have one genuine loving friend or family member. People just making me into this scapegoat. They were accusing me of being a monster. They were accusing me of being an evil person. They were tarring and feathering me. Villainizing me.

In truth, I'm not a bad guy. I'm a good guy with a soft heart, who likes helping people, and who doesn't like hurting people.

I think from many years ago my family liked the narrative that I was a monster, that I was demonic, evil. Even though they wanted to believe that narrative, villainize me, conspire to destroy me, tar and feather me, even though they wanted to do that. Their narrative about me wasn't true.

They thought I'd grow up to be a jerk. 

Even if all the torture I suspect, even if all the hidden realities I suspect are true, even if I was the scapegoat who they were trying to destroy - even if that's all true.

The best revenge is not to go into a rage. The best revenge is to cry about it. Play the violin. Make you empathize with the suffering I lived through. To expose these people for the monsters they are. Hopefully, someday I can find love. Hopefully, someday, I can find friends who aren't sadistic deceivers. Hopefully, someday, I can find people who are transparent, honest, and genuinely love me, not people who are secretly trying to destroy me.

Victim

I don't think anybody likes to think of themselves as a bad guy, or at least I'm projecting that onto everybody, maybe there are people who like to think of themselves as bad people and like to do despicable and evil things... But I often like to think of myself as a victim. I like to think of myself as somebody who has been wronged by the world. I like to think of myself in a self-righteous kind of way.

I was bullied in my childhood. I like to think of myself as a scapegoat for my parents. Just somebody who has been wronged by the whole world. Just this VICTIM!

However, some people who knew me from my youth say while that is true, you were bullied and victimized and made into a scapegoat. There are people I was kind of a bully to - without naming any names. Some people who knew me from my youth might look at me as being a jerk. Some of these people are like my relatives, cousins, and so on. They might self-righteously think that cutting me out and having no relationship with me is justified. But actually, it would mean they were the monsters who unjustifiably bullied me, cut me out, turned me into a scapegoat, and victim-blamed me.

It's shades of grey. Nobody is a completely righteous victim here. Nobody is Mr. Innocent and Mr. Purity completely. Everything, including me, is shades of grey. I'm not this victim of torture and made into a scapegoat. There have been things I've done that have been a little mean, much like people have done things to me that were a little mean, and so on.

COVID, Dr. Coplan

I got COVID around Monday last week. I probably got it from the psychopharmacologist's office - Dr. Coplan. I was in his waiting room and office. It's more than likely I got COVID from Dr. Coplan. I could've also gotten it from the gym, I could have also gotten it from the art class. I suspect the place I probably got it was Dr. Coplan, though.

Accusing Kelly, my parents, and so on of gaslighting me into having an HIV scare and taking PrEP is like saying Dr. Coplan gave me COVID with premeditated intent. He was nefarious, he was poisoning my chair to torture me. He was angry at me because I've been accusing him of being negligent, said the mega regimen was unnecessary, said my parents are pharmacological abusers - and he was getting revenge for the accusations I was making against him. NO!

What probably happened - a patient just before I was sitting in the office, had COVID, I sat in the chair after the patient, then contracted COVID. Even if I did get COVID from Dr. Coplan's office, which is possible, he didn't give it to me with nefarious premeditated intent for revenge. He didn't do it with nefarious premeditated intent to torture me. I just happened to go into an office where there are a lot of patients for my psychiatry appointment and got COVID.

I could start blaming the anti-viral medications I'm taking (LAGEVRIO) on Dr. Coplan too because Dr. Coplan "gaslit me." NO!

The truth is, unfortunately, I contracted covid. Nobody wanted me to contract COVID, especially not Dr. Coplan. It's highly contagious and an accident.

HIV Scare (02 23 2024)

Did they really give me the HIV scare? They did. I want them to confess it. So what happened in late 2019 / January 2020? No one gaslit it into happening? No one had nefarious premeditated intent? Was it revenge for something? If they did it to me, I want them to confess.

Even if they're monsters behind a mask, there's a hidden reality, and it was intentional... They say no one will ever confess anything. There's no evidence they had nefarious intent. Just accept it and move on.

Try not to see my mother, father, stepfather, Kelly, and so on, as sadistic deceivers who gaslit me into taking PrEP. Instead, be positive - no pun intended - and enjoy my life. Try to accept everything at face value. I stepped on a sharp object and had a delusional freak-out.

It's hard accepting the HIV scare because it's ruined the last four years of my life. But it's a little easier accepting it if I come to a realization I DID IT TO MYSELF. There's no gaslighting or nefarious hidden reality. There's no pharmacological abuser and metaphorical rapist.

The reason they don't confess to a hidden reality where they conspired to torture me is because there's nothing for them to confess. Everything is exactly as it appears to be on the surface. Stop trying to get a confession about a reality I SUSPECT is true. It's a delusion.

Even if they tortured me with premeditated intent, I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about SUSPICIONS, there's no evidence. The best revenge on the sadistic persecutors is success and to live life well. There's no evidence. It appears like it was my choice to take PrEP.

I can't prove nefarious intent was in their minds and it's been four years and still no confession. Maybe they'll never confess. Maybe the reason they don't confess is because THERE'S NOTHING FOR THEM TO CONFESS.

Half-Sister

Do I only have one full brother? Or do I have a half-sister who has been kept secret for my whole life? Is there a bad hidden reality - like she's very rich and famous? The account that I suspect is my half-sister looks an awful lot like Olivia Rodrigo upon closer observation.

Why do I think the punchline is Robert Koloski isn't even my father - it's Owen Hart. Lol

When I get seething angry, I'll realize my father died in a freak gasoline fighting accident to quote Zoolander

Suspect is the keyword 

Oh, my half-sister I suspect is Alexa Bliss from the WWE, not Olivia Rodrigo or Taylor Swift. This is all daydreams becoming real. There's no corroborated evidence any of this is reality. It's suspicions becoming a feeling of conviction.

I don't know if Alexa Bliss and my Father are horrified by the shit show on social media? Or if they find it hilarious? Then again I only suspect Alexa Bliss is my sister. Maybe it really is Taylor Swift and Alexa Bliss likes me because I'm Owen Hart's son. Wrestling royalty.

Fun fact, Taylor Swift babysat for Jeff Jarrett when she was younger. Jeff Jarrett is good friends with Owen Hart. Maybe the whole thing has been planned.

Again, this is all suspicions. I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about what I suspect.

Unless the hidden reality is simply Justin Timberlake is my cousin who I've had no relationship with because I'm severely mentally ill. I have no famous half-sister. The handicapped guy who does stand-up - is Timberlake in disguise messing with me.

Catch it, check it, change it. This is all daydreams becoming real. No one has corroborated any of this.

Nirvana's MTV Unplugged in New York

Nirvana's MTV Unplugged in New York is very surreal. Everyone wanted him to bring out big names, play the fun celebrity game, and he didn't want to. He set the stage up like a funeral, was like this is the real me, and didn't care if anyone liked it. He died seven months later.

Say what you will about Kurt Cobain, his defiant I don't care about anything attitude made him the coolest white dude. However, he didn't want to be admired on a grand scale. He wanted to be a small punk rock indie artist that rose to superstardom for being too talented.

Everyone thought Kurt Cobain was a pretentious douche. Instead of bringing our Eddie Vedder at unplugged and doing his hits... He covered Lead Belly, The Vaselines, and performed with the Meat Puppets. In reality, he actually didn't care and wanted to die.

He made the right decision in hindsight. MTV was probably like "who the hell are the Meat Puppets?" 

It would be like if MTV wanted me to perform with Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, or Olivia Rodrigo... But instead I brought out Gary Burr and Colin Hay.

It solidified them as legends.

Emails, Dr. Garrett, February 2024, Psychiatric Medications

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Feb 20, 2024, 5:31 PM

Did you meet with Dr Coplan yesterday, and if so, what was the outcome?

My Email:

Feb 20, 2024, 5:45 PM

Yes Dr. Garrett, I met with Dr Coplan. I told him how I stopped the abilify and all psychiatric medications.

I told him how I was trying to resume the abilify supervised by my mother. But the 10 mg was quite strong. I was getting bad adverse side effects.

So Dr. Coplan recommended breaking the pill in half and take the 5 mg every other day, then slowly increase it, we'd work our way up to 10 mg over the course of several weeks.

Frankly, I don't really want to take any psychiatric medication. However, my mom is quite strong and persistent - she's refusing to give me love, threatening to kick me out of the house, refusing to cook dinner, and is very nasty unless I take the medication or lie to her.

Also, doctors such as you and Dr. Coplan will terminate sessions.

My mother said: "Andrew.   Dr Coplan emailed me stating that you agreed low dose medication and FH return.  You are going to honor your word correct?"

It looks like people want me on abilify 5 mg at the very least - which is a low dose.

Artwork (02 20 2024)

Inter-Vegetable Dating (02 20 2024):

Fireman (02 20 2024):

Feared (02 20 2024):

Kurt Cobain And Pro Wrestling

I like what a douche Kurt Cobain was. Instead of bringing our Eddie vedder at unplugged and doing his hits... He covered lead belly, the vaslalines and performed with the meat puppets.

It was totally the right decision in hindsight. But MTV was probably like "who the hell are the meat puppets?" 

It would be like if MTV wanted me to perform with Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, or Olivia Rodrigo... But instead I brought out Gary Burr and Colin Hay.

Now onto pro wrestling, there were a lot of guys who were chased out of the industry by guys like JBL and Chris Benoit. They didn't want people taking sensationalistic shortcuts to success. They wanted you to work for 20 years to earn your spot.

Miz was coming from reality TV. They worked for 20 years to become technical wrestlers. I can see why they'd villainize The Miz at the time. But the Miz didn't leave the WWE. 20 years later The Miz is a WrestleMania main eventer, two time WWE champion, and a future Hall of famer.

Ironically, Chris Benoit who's a significantly better technical wrestler will not be going into the Hall of Fame. The Miz will unquestionably.

The Miz is a better entertainer, Chris Benoit is a better wrestler - I think it angered Benoit.

It's kind of like Jim Carrey working with Tommy Lee Jones on Batman. Tommy Lee Jones hated Jim Carrey because he had to learn the fundamentals of acting, hone his craft, and become a perfectionist to get a job. Jim Carrey just behaved obnoxious and sensationalistic.

Chris Benoit wanted you to be hard knocks, like a Marine in wrestling. The Miz just wanted to do his little hoorahs. With that said, Chris Benoit had no charisma and couldn't cut a promo to save his life. The Miz is the Jim Carrey is pro wrestling.

But Chris Benoit could really wrestle an excellent technical match. He's probably the best technical wrestler to ever work for the WWE, with Bret Hart being the only exception.

Speaking of people who suck at technical wrestling, Goldberg should have kicked Benoit in the head, maybe that would turn him into a righteous religious man. Or maybe it would turn him into the Unabomber.

Bret Hart is still crying about Goldberg kicking him in the head 30 years later. It did end his career and change his life. But it was an accident.

Bret Hart is like "fuck Bill Goldberg, I should be wrestling and making the paycheck at the Saudi Arabia show"

In summary, Chris Benoit wanted you to be a real world pro wrestling Marine. The Miz is a Hollywood a-lister and plays a Marine in The Marine 3. Maybe Benoit should've taken a "chill pill" and tried to have some sensationalistic fun.

New York Islanders Owner

I SUSPECT Kelly was related to a former New York Islanders owner and billionaire - I didn't have the slightest clue. There's a photograph from 2019 where I'm wearing a New York Islanders jersey and she's like "You got me" like Heisenberg from Breaking Bad. I'm not sure if it's all ruined now. At the time maybe she loved me. But I SUSPECT Kelly was a model in her 20s who was related to a billionaire. Did I fumble my chance at having a "bad bitch?" Because maybe I did by getting the HIV scare delusions from January 2020 onward. Maybe I completely ruined my friendship and relationship.

I think my father was trolling me, my brother who I haven't seen in quite some time was going to the outdoors New York Islanders versus New York Rangers outdoor game yesterday. Obviously, I wasn't included because I have no money. Meanwhile, little did I realize, I was friends with relatives of the former owner. I suspect back at Stony Brook University back in 2009/2010 - I was friends with a relative, I don't know if Kelly is the daughter or a relative but I suspect Kelly is another relative of the billionaire. My brother was merely spectating a game while I was interacting with the owner.

Marijuana

To my knowledge the only illicit substance I've tried was marijuana 5 or so times back in 2009/2010. Though, the people I was hanging out with at the time were a little sketchy. Could they have duped me into using something more hardcore? Or could the marijuana have been laced?

I don't want to blame my mental illness on laced marijuana rendering me a vegetable - but it's a suspicion. My mother said if that were true I would've noticed. The real tragic part is when I drank I drank wine coolers like Smirnoff ICE and Twisted Tea. I was Be Good Johnny.

I guess the moral of the story is pick better friends to hang out with and don't use any illicit substance even if it's simply marijuana. At the moment I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about a reality I suspect is true. There's no evidence. No one has corroborated this.

I hardly ever drink, when I do it's social, like once a year - maybe even less. I haven't used marijuana since getting the mental health diagnosis in 2011. But could the damage have been done? Could nefarious friends have rendered me a vegetable. It's certainly a SUSPICION.

Could they have been monsters who were trying to fry my mind? I THOUGHT one or two of the guys liked me and would try protecting someone naive and vulnerable. Maybe that's true? Who knows? To my knowledge, all I've used was marijuana 5 or so times. Could I have been duped?

Rock Songs, Love

Before Syd Barrett went insane and became the Vegetable Man. He walked around with the scarecrow like such a high functioning genius here. It's too bad what happened to him. We could've gotten Dark Side Of The Scarecrow instead of The Moon.

It's all good and going to get better. Check out acoustic Foo Fighters - Times Like These. Nothing lifts one's spirits like a song with relatable lyrics written by some millionaire. But seriously, hopefully it gets better. It won't magically happen by listening to a rock song.

I got chills! Dave Grohl is speaking to me and soothing me with his lyrics and music. To quote Cat Stevens in Don't Be Shy, "love is better than a song." To quote the super genius Gary Burr, "love is out there... BUT YOU HAVE TO GO GET IT." Godot isn't coming to rescue me.

Getting excited about a Brian Wilson or Dave Grohl song is not better than love and intimacy. Love is the best thing. So to quote Roger Waters of Pink Floyd, "tear down the wall" that keeps me in SOLITUDE. I'm not saying punch a hole in the dry wall. I mean SOCIALLY ENGAGE.

Enough is enough. I've wasted so much time unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy for a moment longer. But it's a mindset, I can focus on doom and gloom. Or I can let love back into my life. Open my heart - start to feel love again. It's going to get better. Not if I cry everyday.

My Mother, Psychiatric Medications

My mother said: "THE ONLY WAY IS MEDS AND U KNOW IT...  your struggle self made"

I said to my mother: "WRONG! And you know it... Or maybe you don't. Regardless, you're WRONG!"

My mother said: "Everyone backed away cause you refuse to recover.  Grow up take responsibility for your health.  Stop whinning poor me.    Stop expecting everyone to baby you.  You want to end up in hospital your choice.  Your not stupid how many times same shit have to happen till you see your ill not recovered.   Nobody saying oh your fine nobody but your mind"

I know somebody who had a lot of photographs of him taken when he was younger and he got to the point where he's like I'm never going to take another photograph again. That's how I am now even if nobody's intentions were nefarious with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications.

I'm traumatized from having been on so much medication for so many years that I want to recover from schizoaffective disorder without the use of psychiatric medication and I'm not going to get controlled into taking medication that I don't want anymore. It's not my choice.

My mother said: "Nobody wants you on mega regimen just a tiny amount so u can live a happy delusion free life.  You are not living.  People running away....   your moods horrid'

Quite frankly, I don't even want to see Dr. Coplan anymore. If I never saw him again I'd be perfectly fine. Though, we have an appointment scheduled for Monday. I'll discuss medications with him. But I'll speak with him alone. I'm not going to let people control my narrative.

My mother said: "Your on your own.  As soon as spa comes up u leave.  Done begging pleading hoping pray you to get well.  Done cooking cleaning buying driving etc etc. DONE DONE DONE.  i am broken sick old....You have got to grow up"

Okay, sounds good to me. I probably should have gotten independent 15 years ago at the very least. I poured my best years down the drain in solitude. So it's not a punishment - it's the natural progression of life to not be dependent on your mother. My chains are internal.

My mother said: "Tough Love...I love u but not your slave, whipping post. Scape goat.  Throwing away best Drs a mistake but your on your own at your choice you don t want  a team, a family.  You ve trashed us beyound cruelty while in your sekf made delusion land.  We ve taken it, and vf taken it.  Years and years never giving up on you.   You choose this path agaist everyone.    Good Luck."

I didn't say the following to my mother: but I feel I was actually the passive abuse victim, she's gaslighting me, victim blaming me. It was a hostilely dependent relationship. She was the sadistic one, I was the masochistic one. Regardless, don't argue with her. Say nothing.

My Mother, Monster Behind The Mask

My mother said: "You locked k er ys in car cause delusional constantly hurts your mind  YOU refusr meds oh well.  Leave me out ou f yuh our delusional world.  Your nasty abuse and cruel DONE.  I want nothing for my bday but for you to take care of your health so we can have a real relationship.  LEAVE me alone.   You choose to be ill.   Injectable only hope to avoid hospital.  Good luck.."

I'm coming to a realization my mother is a monster behind a mask who was getting pleasure from my suffering. She is a pharmacological abuser, torturer, and hurt me intentionally. However, she's providing me with a place to live - if I don't like it - get out and be homeless.

I was not delusional about my mother, she's trying to hurt me while creating the facade she's trying to help me. Unfortunately, she's an absurdist bully. It'll be impossible to prove in court the ways she's tortured me. It looks like my decision and choice. Though, it was hers.

After getting physical with my mother one isolated time in 2011, she villainized me, I could do everything right but she'd never forgive me. I SUSPECT she's the monster who gave me the HIV scare in January 2020. The tables have turned when she confesses, I'll never forgive her.

Everything my mother has ever done for me has been painted black by her betrayal, assuming it's true. I will never forgive her. She could do everything right for the rest of her life. This was too big a mistake to forgive. It's too far. Unforgivable.

Unlike her, though, don't seek revenge and try to give me a receipt. Like they say if you embark on a journey of revenge - dig two graves. Meaning, you'll hurt yourself too. The best revenge is massive success, to be done with her, and to live life well.

HIV Scare (02 17 2024)

Even if it was an accident... Wow, how hot! After being involuntarily celibate for my whole life - I feel HIV positive now. All the ladies will love me like I'm Jim Morrison now. Yeah right. I'm more like a torture victim. Not a really sexy story.

There's no evidence anyone gaslit me into taking HIV PrEP to torture me. The evidence is I had a panic attack and chose to take it. I have no one to blame for feeling HIV positive, defective, and damaged except for myself. Though, it's very sad what happened - there's no deceiver.

Just let go of the HIV scare. I've been in a dark place for a long time - for over four years now. Even if they did it with PREMEDITATED INTENT - obsessing about getting them to confess is ruining my life. Put it behind me and move on. It's time to live again and enjoy my life.

I'm in a tough spot at the moment, don't get angry how I needed help in late 2019, was a vulnerable mental patient, and got hurt. Instead, focus on FINDING LOVE. The best revenge is to live life well. They say the monster is my delusions and how my mind works, not a persecutor.

Try to realize there's no hidden reality, no one who hurt me, everything is exactly as it appears to be at face value. Even if it was an accident - it's still traumatizing and sad. But at least there's no monster behind a mask and sadistic betrayal. That would crush and break me.

By obsessing about the HIV scare, day after day, I'm pouring my life down the drain. I've already wasted my best years. I know someone who got splashed with HIV blood, took HIV PrEP, and she's in a relationship. She doesn't feel defective and damaged. Just let it go and move on.

February 16, 2024

February 16, 2024:

Paradise Studios (02 09 2024)

Paradise Studios (02 09 2024):

February 21, 2016

February 21, 2016:

My Mother, Pharmacological Abuser

Although the evidence is I chose to take these medications. My mother really had nefarious intentions. She is a pharmacological abuser who was intending to torture me. She puts on a mask she was trying to help me. It's a facade. She was trying to kill me in secret.

Although I cannot prove my mother forced me to take the medications to torture me, it's very much what happened. She was getting sadistic sexual pleasure from my suffering.

Unfortunately, in order to prove my mother was a pharmacological abuser we would also have to come to the conclusion that Dr. Coplan was negligent. He claims he never had nefarious intentions. It's a pipe dream to think I could prove that. I look delusional and schizoaffective.

My mother said: "ANDREW. You an intelligent young man.  The decision your making will send u further into joanne land.  You WILL end up in the hospital no question.  Why you choose hospital over a simple pill is disturbing."

My mother said: "the tiny bit if med get used to and hold you from destruction makes no sense UNLESS. You want delusions.  For me id do injectable once a month no thinking about it.  You are at a crossroad when you crash only one you can blame is YOU"

Even if you think my mother's intentions weren't nefarious and she isn't a monster behind the mask who gaslit me into taking PrEP, a mega regimen of psychiatric medications, the rabies vaccine, and so on, to torture me. You can see the amount of pressure she's putting on me.

HIV Scare (02 16 2024)

I want people to stop giving me metaphorical clues and confess the truth to my face. Maybe someone dropping a cigarette is not a clue Kelly dropped the debris on January 1, 2020. Maybe it's predicate logic and ideas of reference. This person doesn't even know who I am.

Seeing clues in social media content and photos from before, during, and after the accident is not Kelly, or anyone confessing they tortured me with PREMEDITATED INTENT. It's predicate logic, ideas of reference, and illusions of significance. I'm reading too much into nothing.

If you focus on a photograph you can convince yourself you're seeing things that aren't actually there. Thinking it's evidence of torture is ridiculous - look at the other things in the photograph I'm ignoring - like the fun we're having in New York City for example.

I'm getting a feeling of conviction that they gaslit me into having an HIV scare. But I just SUSPECT it's true. I SUSPECT there's a group of gang stalkers and cyberbullies who intended to hurt me. The evidence is I'm delusional and no one had nefarious intentions.

I want them to confess the truth. Maybe they are telling me the truth. Maybe there's nothing for them to confess. Maybe there's never been anything for them to confess. It was an accident. I stepped on something that Kelly did not place then I chose to take HIV PrEP.

Maybe the reason Kelly brought up the topic of HIV in late 2019 was not to scare me, she was afraid of it in her own right, for her own reasons. She WAS NOT trying to gaslight me into having an accident. Catch it, check it, change it.

Was the HIV scare traumatic enough even without the sadistic betrayal from someone I trusted? Yes. It made me feel metaphorically HIV-positive, defective, and damaged. But I did it to myself. Kelly, or no one did that matter, did it to me. Accusing them ruined the friendships.

HIV Scare (02 15 2024)

They obviously gaslit me into taking PrEP. So just accept it and move on? They'll never confess. It's clearly true. Why did they do it? Because they got sadistic sexual pleasure from torturing me? Although it's true, just stop talking about it and enjoy my life starting now.

I'm trying to figure out why they did it to me. I never will. I'm projecting empathy onto psychopaths. They hurt me with PREMEDITATED INTENT. There's no evidence they did it. I just have to accept it and move on because it's ruining my life. But it was ABSOLUTELY TORTURE.

What am I hoping to achieve by talking about it day after day for years now? A confession? I'm never going to get that. They WILL NOT ADMIT IT WAS INTENTIONAL. Though it obviously was. The best revenge is no revenge and to live life well. But it was not an accident what they did.

At least they didn't literally infect me with HIV. It made me feel defective and damaged. It was intentional. But I do not have HIV. Also, be done when the people who hurt me. Why would I ever associate with the people who hurt me ever again? I should never talk to them again.

Stop being obsessed with revenge and getting a confession. Stop talking about the HIV scare. It's over. You won't get a psychopath to feel empathy. It's time to let it go. But I was without a doubt hurt, used, then discarded. I was not delusional.

Hidden Realities (02 15 2024)

Why am I taking the abilify again? Am I really as delusional as everybody claims? I think there's obviously a hidden reality. I'm not a danger to myself. I'm not a danger to others. They're lying and gaslighting. There's obviously a hidden reality. Confess the truth, psychopaths.

I think the worst part about taking HIV PrEP is not how traumatizing it was. It did make me feel HIV positive, defective, and damaged. The worst part is feeling the betrayal by people I trusted. The fact that they're sadistic deceivers. Monsters behind the mask.

They say I'm delusional. They're not lying. Keep taking the abilify. They're not gaslighting me and trying to make me ignore the hidden reality. I don't want to take it but I'm being threatened with injectable or the psychiatric hospital - so I'll continue taking it.

I don't think I'm delusional and I was doing just fine off Psychiatric Medications. I'm being forced to take it because I'm trying to get them to confess something that's clearly true. Day after day. They still refuse to confess and tell me I'm delusional - which I'm not.

They CLEARLY did something nefarious in late 2019 / January 2020. They're trying to medicate and brainwash me into thinking nothing happened. Let's call a spade a spade - something nefarious happened that they REFUSE TO CONFESS. ADMIT IT, DON'T GASLIGHT ME.

I don't know how bad the hidden realities are but I suspect they're really bad. They say I'm getting a feeling of conviction about what I suspect. Keep taking the medications. Maybe it'll take a few days for them to work. They're victim-blaming me about something they did to me.

Delusional

Maybe I need the medications to correct my vision. Right now I feel they conspired to torture me and are lying. There's no evidence this is true. The evidence is I'm delusional. Take the medications to eliminate the DELUSIONS. No one hurt me and is a SADISTIC DECEIVER.

Delusions FEEL REAL TO ME - but they're NOT REAL. No one hurt me with PREMEDITATED INTENT in late 2019 / January 2020. Keep taking the abilify. Even after one day I already feel better with the sadistic persecutor delusions. Catch it, check it, change it.

I hate the adverse side effects of antipsychotics. But not being able to distinguish fantasy from reality is worse. Everyone is telling me I need it. No one corroborates my delusions - not even the cyberbullies. To avoid a hospitalization take it - then continue taking it.

Everyone isn't lying and gaslighting me. They are saying what they're saying to help me. The truth is I need my medication. No one hurt me. I've been delusional for months, maybe years now.

Taking HIV PrEP was traumatizing. It did make me feel HIV positive, defective, and damaged. But there's no betrayal by people I trusted. The truth is I stepped on something then chose to take PrEP against everyone's advice not to take it. I tortured and traumatized myself.

I'm delusional. They're not lying. There's no hidden realities. Keep taking the abilify. They're not gaslighting me. If I don't want an injectable or the psychiatric hospital - continue taking it. Be compliant because there's a reason everyone tells me I need my medications.

I've been getting a feeling of conviction about what I suspect. Keep taking the medications. Maybe it'll take a few days for them to work. But everyone isn't involved in a conspiracy to torture me. It's crystal clear to everyone that I need my psychiatric medications. 

Before I apologize for how sick I've been, get stable on my medications. That's step 1. From there I can try to repair relationships I've damaged due to mental illness. Don't be sad if they don't forgive me. Just focus on getting well at the moment. That should be my only goal.

Artwork (02 14 2024)

Happy Valentines Day 2024 (02 14 2024):

Anti-Valentine's Day (02 14 2024):

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (02 14 2024)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (02 14 2024):

Hidden Reality (02 14 2024)

Dr. Coplan said: "How many mg of Abilify? Keep taking the abilify Andrew. Otherwise you are  going to end up in the hospital. You are that delusional. Just read your texts. It's one big delusion that you repeat every single day. Day after day. Think how much energy and time you are burning on something non-constructive."

Dr. Coplan said: "Instead of focusing on the delusional, focus on the real fact that everyone in your delusions  is advising you to take the medications in the real."

I resumed the abilify 10 mg starting today... So you don't think anybody had nefarious intentions? You don't think anybody was a monster behind a mask? You don't think anybody was a pharmacological abuser and a deceiving sexual sadist? You really think it's all delusions?

I feel like they did it to me. I'm not delusional. They're lying and gaslighting. I want them to confess. They're trying to medicate me. Trying to get me to bury the HIV scare is premeditated thoughts. But was it INTENTIONAL TORTURE? Am I really delusional? They say I am.

I want them to confess because it's obvious to me there's a hidden reality - they INTENDED to get me to take PrEP to torture me. I think the reason they're not confessing is they're cowards. Maybe there is really nothing for them to confess. They're not SADISTIC DECEIVERS.

Dr. Coplan said: "How can one confess tosomething you never did. Nor were ever capable of doing what you have accused them of."

That's what they say - it's a DELUSION. The reason they don't confess is because there's nothing for them to confess to. They're not monsters behind a mask who tortured me. It's a feeling of conviction about what I SUSPECT IS TRUE. No one gaslit me into taking HIV PrEP.

Confess the truth. It's obvious you're lying

They say maybe it'll take a few days for the abilify to work

Off Psychiatric Medications

As everyone suspected... I'll confess because I'm not a liar or a coward. I've been off my psychiatric medications for weeks, maybe months. I'm going to start taking abilify 10 mg again starting today. I want to avoid a hospitalization. So take it.

My mother's kind of giving me no choice. My options are psychiatric hospital - which is barbaric, hell on earth, and like prison. Obviously, AVOID THAT. Injectable - I hate hypodermic needles. Or take the pill in front of her. Take the easy way. Take the pill in front of her.

I suspect there's a really bad hidden reality. They just know unmedicated Andrew will get streaming mad if they tell me. They want to cool me down. They want to chemically lobotomize me. Or is this really a delusion? Don't believe everything that I suspect is true.

I suspect I'm not that delusional. There's clearly a hidden reality. They're lying and gaslighting. They just can't handle unmedicated Andrew because I stick up for myself. I'm not a danger to myself or others. I'm not that delusional. They want to control me into submission.

Take the easy way and take the abilify in front of my mother because I'm being threatened with the psychiatric hospital for the millionth time. Maybe I'm really delusional? Maybe there is no hidden reality for them to confess? It's a feeling of conviction about what I suspect.

Dr. Coplan said: "Yes you need to take the abilify"

I still feel like they're lying, the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED, and there're a lot of other horrible hidden realities. I feel like I'm not that "delusional." Regardless, I'll take the medications. Everyone tells me I need it. I guess there really is nothing for them to confess?

I'm back on the abilify. I took the pill in front of my mother.

HIV Scare, Rich And Famous

I suspect they really brought up the topic of HIV to scare me because of something I did years earlier BUT it was me who freaked out and metaphorically died over it. Any sane person wouldn't have reacted to it how I did. They liked me and had plans which stopped in January 2020.

It was kind of like The Blue Blazer from the WWE. It was funny, and they had good intentions, it was supposed to get even funnier. But then January 2020 happened. The pop star was dressed backstage in her pimp attire and was like, "soooo the match isn't happening now?"

I think four years later we're doing Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World take one million. We'll see if this time I finally launch and become like David Bowie. Or if the sun is setting and I ruined my opportunity to become rich and famous one too many times.

Realistically, I should be rich and famous at this moment. Better late than never. Now they're being more delicate. Treating me like a vulnerable mental patient. They overestimated how well I was in late 2019. I was more mentally sick than they realized.

There's clearly a hidden reality they're not telling me but their intentions were GOOD. It was to make me like David Bowie, not to torture me. Now we're getting Pink Floyd - Dark Side Of The Moon, not a sensationalistic feel-good comedy - which was the original plan.

Caroline, No

When I discovered Kelly gave me the HIV scare INTENTIONALLY they wanted me to be like Sex Pistols - God Save The Queen. But they got The Beach Boys - Caroline, No.

Listen to the contrast with All Summer Long. He became depressed.

HIV Scare (02 13 2024)

I suspect the HIV scare was premeditated. It was my parents conspiring with Kelly to give me a receipt for 2011 and getting physical. However, they went way too far and it traumatized me like a metaphorical rape. They expected me to take PrEP and for it to be hilarious.

I feel betrayed, defective, and damaged. I was a vulnerable mental patient who already had a hard time trusting people. Now I feel metaphorically HIV positive and don't trust anyone anymore. The sad thing is I trusted Kelly and she INTENTIONALLY HURT ME.

They'll say it was my decision to take PrEP. But let's call a spade a spade here, they gaslit it into happening. They just didn't expect it to affect my mental health this badly. Now they're trying to revise history about how their intentions weren't nefarious. They were.

The reason they don't confess that I'm not delusional is because I'll be ENRAGED - as I should be. At the moment I just suspect this is the truth and I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about what I SUSPECT. No one has corroborated the hidden reality and given me evidence.

I wish these psychopaths would admit what we all know is true. They did it to me. I'm not delusional. They gave me the HIV scare and gaslit me into taking PrEP with premeditated intent. They're monsters behind a mask who belong in prison. It's not me who belongs in the hospital.

HIV Scare (02 12 2024)

Tell me the truth, did Kelly gaslight me into taking PrEP? Did Kelly give me an HIV scare with PREMEDITATED INTENT? It's four years later and still no confession - but it's pretty obvious she did. I wish someone would corroborate the hidden reality because it's clearly true.

The worst part about Kelly's betrayal is I was at rock bottom and needed a friend. I still was optimistic the world wasn't full of monsters. Sadly, she gave me the most traumatic experience of my life for her SADISTIC PLEASURE. Now I don't trust anyone anymore. I've shut down.

I'm like an animal Kelly shot for no reason. I don't trust anyone, I don't want to let love into my life, I just want us to succumb to my injuries.  Keep fighting. It'll get better. Fake it until you make it as they say. Don't give up.

No one has confessed. I just get a feeling of conviction about what I suspect is true. Regardless, if it was intentional, or an accident, the HIV scare broke me as a person. I'm the most depressed I've ever been and feel defective and damaged. But I'll keep fighting.

I'm in so much pain I was literally crying in my apartment. But don't record my cries because no one cares. Instead, cry in private, then put on a strong face when I go out into the real world. Don't let anyone know I broke down and cried in private. Don't document it.

Nothing matters anymore, certainly not sensationalistic entertainment where people play in movies, comedy, pop music, and football. I'm so broken. I'm so dead inside. I'm looking for GENUINE LOVE. For someone to EMPATHIZE WITH MY SUFFERING. I don't care about a stupid TV show.

Betrayed And Broken

Let's a spade a spade here. The HIV scare was premeditated. They intended to get me to take PrEP. I don't think it was supposed to get as bad as it did. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they intended to give me a metaphorical rape. I'm only suspecting because they're not confessing.

Before the HIV scare, I had a hard time trusting people. Now I don't trust anyone. Not my friends, family, NO ONE. I feel betrayed and deceived by EVERYONE.

Lately, I've been dead inside. I'm isolating. I'm in pain. I'm not sure why I'm reaching out to people who hurt me intentionally, they'll just hurt me again. I kind of feel hopeless and lost.

I don't care about anything anymore. I feel humiliated, dehumanized, turned into a laughingstock. I feel betrayed by everyone. I'm so hurt and I can't let love into my life because of what happened to me. I want to succumb to my injuries like a dying animal. I'll keep fighting.

Their betrayal was so soul crushing, so devastating, that I'm not even angry. I'm just so sad, so depressed, so broken. I'm dead inside. I'm in pain. Like they say, don't run back to the people who broke you - they'll just do it again.

I have a feeling the hidden realities are BAD. It will make me ENRAGED - as it should. They were bullying and dehumanizing me then etched trauma into my psyche. Even if they're rich and living the good life. The best revenge is to live life well. The best revenge is NO REVENGE.

I have a feeling their bullying is so bad that I'll want to scream and shout. I'll be steaming angry. That's the reason they don't confess the truth. They're lying and gaslighting me because they tortured me and know I'll be angry - as I should be. But be calm no matter how bad.

Are all my friends and family psychopaths? Did no one genuinely love me? Did no one care about me? It certainly feels that way. It feels like I was a human sacrifice for their laughs. It's not funny. It's evil.

Mother And HIV Scare (02 11 2024)

But seriously, there's obviously a hidden reality. Did you gaslight me into taking PrEP?

My mother said: "WHO?  WHO?  WHO DO U THINK?  KELLY ME DAD DR G. DR C. THE MAN IN THE MOON?  YOU WENT OUT, YOU TOOK MEDS TO BE CAUTIOUS AFTER YOU TALKED TO DR AND NURSE.  YOU.  YOU.  YOU"

So you didn't know Kelly, tell her to give me an HIV scare, and plan to get me to take PrEP with PREMEDITATED INTENT? This is all a feeling of conviction about what I suspect is true. I met Kelly at FH and no one wanted to hurt me. Correct? Just let it go. There's no deception.

It's time to put this behind me. I stepped on something and chose to take PrEP against everyone's advice not to. Accept what happened at face value. There's no deception or hidden reality. There's nothing for them to confess. No one hurt me. It really was an accident. Believe it.

My mother said: "No NONE.  You mind iscand has been delusional confusing you torturing you and its hard dealing every day with horrid up and down due to medication needs."

My mother said: "Your  family trying but you have to help yourself snd refusing to get well will lsnd u in as bad place PLEASE  listen please"

My mother said: "BUt your mind has to let u.  Take the right meds.  Please."

My mother said: "U r a prisoner to delusions you can t see that.  Its robbing your life.  Please agree to HELP"

Is it really a delusion? Is there really no hidden reality? Is no one gaslighting me? Is there really nothing to confess? Is it really a psychiatric medication issue entirely?

My mother said: "The fact you can t move on and it changes daily and your off your meds.  Yes its a medication issue.  Your mind is ruminating over and over and over same day more and more delusional.  Your smart look at it."

My mother said: "Did you feel emotional pain YES but your hiding behind the real pain and delusions taking over.  Please do what you need to think clear.  As dr c said your never NOT delusional. Your hurting your mind.  I am begging u help yourself.  All i can do is beg"

I personally feel I'm being lied to. There's obviously a hidden reality. No one wants to confess what it is and they want me on psychiatric medications. Am I really being told the truth? Is no one gaslighting me?

My mother said: "THe Reality is delusions taking over.  You are only one who can decide to help yourself.  You can t even see that your living daily ground hog day delusional wasting your life.  You must choose"

Is the reality that everything is as it appears to be at face value? Is there no hidden reality? Or was something nefarious going on?

HIV Scare (02 11 2024)

I wish they'd CONFESS. It's obvious the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED and not my choice.

The HIV scare was PREMEDITATED TORTURE. I know there's no evidence this is true - no shovel. I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about what I suspect. But let's call a spade a spade here. They did it to me.

Gaslighting and lying to me that the HIV scare was an accident is not cute or funny - it's evil. It made me feel defective, damaged, used up, metaphorically HIV-positive. Prior, I had very little intimacy. Even if it was an accident, no one expressed any empathy about it.

The reason they don't confess is because they hurt me intentionally and they're afraid of legal problems against them. They know if they confess they tortured me with premeditated intent they'll either go to jail or the psychiatric hospital. So they lie to me and gaslight.

The worst part is they tortured me and I wound up going to the psychiatric hospital twice over the trauma of what they put me through. And they'll face no consequences for what they have done. They'll get away with it. I just have to accept it and move on.

I'm not delusional and we all know it. There's obviously a hidden reality about the HIV scare. It's not cute or funny to gaslight me. Confess the truth already. It's been over 4 years. It's not an accident. It was not my choice. It was premeditated torture. Admit it, cowards.

The Taylor Swift Delusion, Continued

Try not to imagine Taylor Swift gave me an HIV scare. She DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME. No one did it to me INTENTIONALLY.

Did they really give me the HIV scare with PREMEDITATED INTENT? Tell me the truth and hidden reality please.

The evidence is I'm DELUSIONAL. There's no hidden reality. I just SUSPECT there is and I'm coming to a feeling of conviction. No one conspired to give me an HIV scare. No one wanted to hurt me intentionally. Catch it, check it, change it. There's nothing for them to confess.

I think the worst part about the HIV scare is I feel there's a nefarious hidden reality. It wasn't a simple accident. Someone wanted to hurt me. But that's not true. It's a SUSPICION or DELUSION. Try to accept no one is lying to me. Accept everything at face value.

Everything that happened is exactly what it appears to be. I stepped on something then I chose to take PrEP. No one gaslit it into happening to torture me. There's no SADISTIC DECEIVER. There's no group of gang stalkers and cyber bullies. I'm DELUSIONAL. There's no hidden reality.

The Taylor Swift Delusion

Hey everyone. How are you all doing? Any fun plans for the Super Bowl?

I think Taylor Swift - my soulmate is going to be on the game. So even if you hate football - that could be entertaining. Then again, many people don't like her. Soooo.

Have a nice day! :)

About Taylor Swift, I used to, and still do get delusional about her. I used to think she loved me - the Taylor Swift delusion has since been replaced by Kelly. I'm losing touch with who Kelly is and was and she's becoming a fantasy daydream like Taylor Swift was from 2017 - 2019.

I get daydreams Taylor Swift's song Bad Blood was written about me, kind of like how I didn't know her and only saw her artwork, she daydreamed she knew me from my social media content and gave me an HIV scare with premeditated intent to torture me. Remember she doesn't know me.

I SUSPECT Taylor Swift misunderstood a Fantasyland and schizoaffective disorder. She thought I was messing around, trolling, so she was like "mess around and find out." Realistically, she traumatized a vulnerable mental patient at a psychosocial clubhouse - the Fountain House.

What I needed was love, interpersonal relationships, and learn to trust, not to be given an HIV scare. But I'm only ASSUMING. There's no evidence Taylor Swift knows who I am. There's no evidence Kelly hurt me intentionally. This is all daydreams becoming real - SUSPICIONS.

Wouldn't Taylor Swift threaten me with legal action, not conspire into giving me an HIV scare? This is the proof I need that she has no idea who I am. I'm not even on her radar. She's at the Super Bowl today. I'm sitting in my filthy apartment and going to Miller's Ale House.

February 10, 2024

February 10, 2024:

Paradise Studios (02 02 2024)

Paradise Studios (02 02 2024):

May 11, 2013

May 11, 2013:

The Truth - 2

Can someone confess the truth?

I've had enough of all this stupid shit - I don't care about anything except for getting a confession to the OBVIOUS HIDDEN REALITY.

Maybe the reason no one is confessing to a hidden reality is THERE'S NOTHING TO CONFESS. THERE'S NO HIDDEN REALITY. No one tortured me with PREMEDITATED INTENT. I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about what I suspect is true. There's no evidence. No one had corroborated this.

Maybe the feelings they're sadistic deceivers are COMING FROM ME. I'm projecting that onto them. It's a DELUSION. The evidence is they had nothing but good intentions. I'm imagining they're monsters behind a mask. But it's not true. It's all my imagination, correct?

I'm ruining all my relationships because I think everyone is two-faced with nefarious intentions. I feel like I don't have a single genuine friend in my life. I feel like EVERYONE IS LYING TO ME. Try to realize it's MENTAL ILLNESS, not a HORRIFIC BETRAYAL BY EVERYONE.

There's not a single person I trust. I don't know who I can believe. I don't know who's lying. So I isolate and desire no relationships because I feel like everyone is a SADISTIC DECEIVER. But even if I was hurt intentionally, true love and trust is the key to recovery.

The Truth

I'm having a hard time trusting people. I'm isolating. Thinking everyone has a nefarious secret. Maybe go to mental health recovery groups?

Thinking everyone is two-faced results in me having no friends and being isolated. 

I don't know who I can trust, if anyone at all.

Are the hidden realities as bad as I suspect they are? Is everything as bad as I'm imagining it to be? Or do I have someone who is genuinely my friend? Do I have someone I can genuinely trust? I feel like everyone is lying to me and keeping a major secret.

Were they all sadistic deceivers? Were they all lying to me? Can someone tell me the truth?

They're not telling me the truth. I wish someone would tell me the truth. I'm afraid the truth is very bad which is why they don't tell me what it is. Instead, they lie and gaslight me.

I'm looking for someone to restore my faith in humanity. I THOUGHT it was Kelly. But with each passing day I'm becoming afraid I was wrong. Maybe she was keeping a major secret.

Confession, Dr. Garrett

There's obviously a hidden reality. If they ever confess - I should thank them because I can't prove what was in their minds. But I KNOW something nefarious was. Or maybe I just SUSPECT that. I'm coming to a FEELING OF CONVICTION about what I SUSPECT. No one has confessed.

Maybe the reason no one has confessed is THERE'S NOTHING TO CONFESS. Maybe no one was gaslighting me about HIV. Maybe no one was trying to give me an HIV scare with PREMEDITATED INTENT. Maybe what they've all been saying is the TRUTH. Accept that no one wanted to hurt me.

Interestingly enough, I have a song about confession where I imagine the priest then later the psychiatrist was getting sadistic sexual pleasure from the attractive young woman's suffering while pretending to help her. He pretends he's not getting pleasure from her "sins."

The priest and psychiatrist PRETEND to be of higher authority. They PRETEND they are trying to help. But secretly, they're monsters behind a mask who are turned on by the attractive young woman. The woman is too naive and vulnerable to realize she's getting taken advantage of.

Or maybe the attractive young woman's PROJECTING onto the priest and psychiatrist? The sexual thoughts are coming from THE WOMAN and they all have good intentions. Maybe the attractive young woman is unheard by everyone and feels loved by the priest and psychiatrist.

This is a metaphor for Dr. Garrett. From late 2017 - 2019, I had no friends, intimacy, or anyone listening to me. The only one who was listening was Dr. Garrett. Maybe I fell in love with my psychiatrist because he was like my only friend. But he was always professional with me.

I was obviously attracted to Dr Garrett back then, trusted him, and felt he had good intentions. Maybe he still does and always did? Maybe I was involuntarily celibate and secretly loved my doctor? But he was never negligent or unprofessional. I just needed a real life girlfriend.

Artwork (02 08 2024)

The Billionaire, The Butler, Bubble Bath (02 08 2024):

Drug-Free (02 08 2024):

Johnny Johnny (02 08 2024):

HIV Scare (02 08 2024)

Even if taking prep was accidental, which it wasn't they intended to do it to me, beforehand I felt clean, pristine, and had hardly any romantic partners. Afterwards, I felt defective, damaged, like I had HIV. Though, my blood work is clean. It feels like a metaphorical rape.

I felt almost like a virgin. Though, I did have sex prior. Now I feel used up, dead inside, like these adult film stars who've been used by over 100 guys. I literally had an HIV scare and took PrEP. If they did it with PREMEDITATED INTENT they belong in prison. They're monsters.

I'm not delusional. There's truth to what I'm saying. Rather than confess they gaslight and threaten the psychiatric hospital. That place isn't help. It's a barbaric hellhole. They're psychopaths for threatening me with that. I'm not a danger to myself or others and they know it.

I don't need the hospital at all. But they want me to stop trying to get a confession about the hidden reality. They'd rather victim-blame me. If they ever confess, it won't be sincere and heartfelt. They're psychopaths who aren't sorry for what they've done. 

Maybe I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about a reality I suspect is true. There's no evidence they did it to me INTENTIONALLY. Unlike the shovel - which I later had evidence was stolen - there's no shovel here. Maybe the reason no one confesses is there's NOTHING TO CONFESS.

Even if I'm delusional about their intent. No one has ever expressed any empathy over it. Even if they weren't intentionally torturing me, they certainly don't care that it happened. They'd rather yell at me. The HIV scare broke me and they tell me I shouldn't feel this way.

HIV Scare (02 07 2024)

Let's call a spade a spade here. I was obviously being gaslit about HIV in late 2019, they were leading me down a dark path, and knew I'd take PrEP. Although it technically was my choice - it really wasn't.

I wish they'd CONFESS THE TRUTH. They're lying and gaslighting me. It is crystal clear they planned to get me to take PrEP to torture me. It LOOKS LIKE my decision. But it wasn't.

Ultimately there's no evidence they gave me the HIV scare intentionally. Unlike the shovel which I later had proof was stolen. There's NO SHOVEL HERE. I'm just coming to a feeling of conviction about what I SUSPECT. But they're obviously lying.

Maybe the reason they're not confessing to a hidden reality is THERE'S NOTHING TO CONFESS. They didn't do anything nefarious. They didn't want me to take PrEP. But let's call a spade a spade, they did it. I won't stop until I get a confession. It's evil they're not confessing.

Artwork (02 07 2024)

Brain Turning To Mush (02 07 2024):

The Best Revenge Is Massive Success (02 07 2024):

Solitary Confinement (02 07 2024):

They're Psychopaths (02 07 2024):