Extreme Social Anxiety

I was severely bullied as a child and this shapes how I perceive the world.



I think of myself as a Borat / Dumb and Dumber like character. Meaning, I'm a complete joke to be made fun of. I also think everyone is hostile, about to make fun of me. So I walk on eggshells in the real world.



Today, I heard someone who doesn't like me, say, "he's like Borat" and everyone laughed. His comment could've been about anyone. But I thought it must've been about me. In a way, it's like I'm hallucinating. In my conscious mind, I feel like "Borat". So his comment is reaffirming how I feel about myself.



The reason I don't leave my room is extreme social anxiety. I'm scared of getting bullied. So I hide from it.



I often blame my parents, and think they're preventing my freedom. But that's not true. Take yesterday, for example, my mom was offering to pay for the comedy class, encouraging me to go. I was scared to go.



My mom isn't preventing me from meeting a woman. She paid for a Match membership. I'm afraid of women.



Since I'm scared of the real world, I tell myself the videos I make in my room are my ticket to freedom. Sadly, it's not and I've lost so much time.



Recovery will be pushing through the extreme anxiety, and living in the real world.



Contrary to what I feel, not everyone is going to bully me.

Mr. Hollywood AND Laugh about it

If I accepted the lost time, I'd be overtaken with sadness. So I tell myself people care, I live in a fantasy world. Because I'd be too depressed otherwise.



It's easier to get through your days thinking you're Mr. Hollywood, instead of NO ONE CARES. "



Mr. Hollywood" protects me.



_______________



My life and what happened to me is EXTREMELY SAD. But I make it one big joke, and laugh about everything. I guess it's easier than crying about it.



I'm not sure if this is healthy?

Beanstalk

I think it's inevitable my seeds will grow into a beanstalk. I'm just planting more, and more before I hit the "START BUTTON". Maybe I'll get mentally stable first. Lol.

WHAT IT IS!

I hate when people think they're superior to me. For example: people working in a pizzeria, laughing at me because I'm unwell. 

I shine so much brighter than the people making fun of me. Soon they'll see. I'm gonna be Mr. Hollywood and karma will work in my favor. 

WHAT IT IS!

Stepdad

It's HELL living with my stepdad, he's the most miserable man on the face of the Earth. I want instantaneous freedom from a sensational video going viral, then I become rich and famous. But real world freedom is more like building a house, and I haven't even begun construction.



While living in the horrible home environment, should I begin the slow journey to real world freedom?



Or should I continue to make sensational videos where I scream like a lunatic? If I increase the intensity, pretty soon I'll be unable to be ignored.



And when one of my videos inevitably goes viral, I expect it to start a chain reaction, and all my art gets discovered. Then I'll become Mr. Hollywood - and I can't wait for the madness that follows. Lol.

always fighting

My Mom and Stepdad are always fighting. They're never in a good mood. I know you're not allowed to record someone without them knowing, but OH MY GOD I WANT TO DO SOMETHING - like post their shouting online. Or make an attention-grabbing sensational video to make myself successful.

walking on eggshells

In my psychiatry session today, my Mom said she feels like she's walking on eggshells. I can't see how she could possibly mean that. Is she lying?

I feel like I AM the one who is walking on eggshells, not them. It's like I'm bullied into submission by my stepdad. I'm always "on stage", afraid to move or say the wrong thing out of fear he'll get hostile with me. I'm too intimated to assert myself. So I hide in my room.

I had such a good session today, was so positive. Then I go home, my stepdad starts yelling like a lunatic. I forget about the free world and go into my fantasy land. I want to make videos where I SCREAM OUT MY PAIN!!!!!!

Then my mom blames everything on me, never see's my point of view. He's the reason I'm so sick. There's no place to relax and have peace and quiet. 

I just wish he'd go away. That'd solve a lot of my problems.

Free World

I feel like my parents, especially my mom, are preventing me from entering the free world. But the truth is, they’re just preventing my delusional "free world".

I believe Disney is going to hire me, Taylor Swift and Billy Joel know who I am, and one of my videos will go viral, it’ll start a chain reaction where everything gets discovered, and I’ll be an overnight success. This will set me free, and my mom is blocking that because she’s a monster. It’s a delusion.

What the free world really is… it’s ACCESS VR, the Fountain House, support groups, Uber, comedy in NYC, acting. But that causes me great anxiety. I’m afraid of getting bullied and judged critically, and I don't like change. So I run from it. Needless to say, my mom's NOT preventing this. Basically, I'm lost in delusions. It protects me from extreme sadness.

I blame my parents. But it’s really my own anxiety and illness that are to blame. My mom is very supportive.

My mom is trying to protect me from getting even sicker, that's why she's blocking me. I like when my Mom and Step Dad are out of the house because I have freedom. She's afraid with too much freedom, I'll just make videos all day. But my mom won't be around forever to protect me. Her health is getting worse. I must enter the REAL free world, and not the delusional "free world", before it's too late. Because if my mom becomes unable to help me, I may get sick.

Plastic Fork

I'm going to give you an example of predicate logic.



Today, my father brought Chinese food to the house for us to eat. I noticed him looking at the forks, then selecting a specific fork for me. But I thought nothing of it at the time.



Then a few hours later, I saw a post on social media of an internet friend eating Chinese food and he's holding up a plastic fork that looked identical to mine.
.


My mine stated to run wild. I began to think my dad poisoned and sabotaged the fork by rubbing it in a urinal or something.



Basically, I think my celebrity fairy godmother is watching my dad at all times. And saw him come out of CVS's bathroom holding my plastic fork.



When I accused my dad, he asked me if I was joking. Had no idea what I was talking about, then said no he didn't.



I thought a photograph on social media that had nothing to do with me, was a message telling me my father poisoned me. It was a delusion.

Like Vietnam

My Dad (Bob K.) came over our house for the New Year, he joked it's "like Vietnam." He was referring to something on the TV. It might be predicate logic. But I think he was saying to my Mom, living with my Step Dad is like living as a Vietnam prisoner. And I'm the prisoner, obviously. 

My Mom also said at one point, "I'm hot." I thought she gets sadistic pleasure from my suffering. But then I realized I'm sexually frustrated and repressed. And it's predicate logic. 

"I'm hot" was referring to the temperature - nothing more. 

Basically, I need to meet friends, a woman and have sex. Maybe I will in 2019!