Some Posts (11 30 2020)

Post 01:

I’m full of pain, rage, frustration, and pent up energy. I DESERVE to be a Hollywood superstar already. I’m 33 years old and I’m a GOLDMINE. I’m told a “realistic” job would solve a lot of my problems. I’d feel less alone and have money. I feel ready to EXPLODE. I HATE MY LIFE!

Post 02:

I honestly don't care what I say or do on the internet, it's absurd I haven't gone viral yet. How much more sensational and attention-grabbing do I need to get? I'm so in your face. I'm screaming my pain for crying out loud. Somebody acknowledge me NOW!

Post 03:

I feel alone. My cries are falling on deaf ears. I want friends, but I'm very socially challenged. Basically, I'm in so much pain. I can't take the pain I'm in. I HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH!

Post 04:

I blame my mom, say it's her fault. Doctors tell me it was getting bullied in my childhood. What I feel is INTENSE pain, I want socialization, friendships, I'm at my wit's end. I just can't take this pain anymore. MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN TORTUROUS HELL! I'm ready to EXPLODE! 

Superhero (Dragon Energy)

 Superhero (Dragon Energy):

Bunny

I asked my mother to draw an adorable bunny, like me and my friends from NYC. I think it looks more like our Golden Retriever from years ago. This triggered me into thinking negative thoughts about her. I need to remember my mother isn't taunting me and she loves me. Right?

Is He Risen. Bunny. Mom. (Moms Artwork)

 Is He Risen (My Moms Sketch):

Bunny (My Moms Painting):

Mom (My Moms Painting):

 

My Chains Are Internal, Not Maternal

Delusions:

My Chains Are Internal, Not Maternal:

Not Helpless:

Irritable And Cranky:

Shades Of Grey

When people frustrate, depress, frighten, or anger me, then I begin to get an overwhelming fear they're sadists that are trying to harm me, that I've made a huge mistake by trusting them. The truth is shades of grey. They love me. It's just an unpleasant delusional moment.

Delusions And Love

 Delusions And Love:

Love

I'm in a tremendous amount of pain. I feel weak, unsafe, vulnerable. I just want to be loved. I need to remind myself people (like my parents) aren't perfect - but I am loved. There are no bullies that are trying to harm me anymore. I must stop getting frightening delusions.

Delusions

My delusions correlate with emotion. If someone angers me or frightens me - I usually get negative delusions about them. I lose sight of all the good times. The reality is shades of grey. These intense panic attacks mood swings hurt my ability to have meaningful relationships.

FBI

 FBI:

HIV Bananas

My bananas, which were in a bag on the floor by my front door, were wet and soggy. I ate one. My mom said she might've washed them. I'm catastrophizing its shoes and rainwater. Can I get HIV this way? My mom said it's not like they were getting injected by HIV needles. I'm fine.

Predicate Logic - Fried Chicken

 Predicate Logic - Fried Chicken:

Mom Getting Older

 Mom Getting Older:

Horse and R House (My Moms Painting)

My Moms Painting

Horse:

R House:

Fantasyland and I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

 Fantasyland:

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden:

Barber

I got a haircut immediately after a friend's dad who is a big drinker, probably uses drugs, a ladies man, rough and tough, blue-collar, construction worker type of guy. The barber scratched the back of my neck with the same buzzer he used on this man. I'm OCDing the worst.

Parents Vacation

 Parents Vacation:

German Shepherd and Horse (My Moms Sketch)

My Moms Sketch:

German Shepherd:

Horse:

Mom's Painting (Ema Rules R Yorkie)

Mom's Painting (Ema Rules R Yorkie):

Dr. Natural - Hollywood Superstar AND Schizoaffective Disorder

Dr. Natural - Hollywood Superstar:

Schizoaffective Disorder:

Reducing Meds

Last night, I slightly reduced the Invega from 9 mg to 6 mg. I feel so much healthier today.

Emotions and feelings are coming back. The adverse effects are getting better. 

The medications must've been causing depression. Because I feel happier. I walked into the coffee shop with a smile on my face. Socialized with everyone. 

If my suspicions are correct, I suspect the Invega could've been CAUSING psychosis.

My goal is to come off the medications entirely. My mom was giving me a hard time with a slight reduction to my mega regimen. She was afraid. I need to put my foot down. It's unnatural having a chemical lobotomy. I think the medicines might've been doing more harm than good. I actually feel better - like a human.

Here's my list of medications that I'm on at the moment:
Invega 6 mg at night once a day
Lamotrigine (Lamictal) 125 mg once a day
Latuda 40 mg at night once a day
Lithium 300
(Xanax .5 (as needed))
Cabergoline 2 mg weekly
Levothyroxine (thyroid) 75 mg (for thyroid adverse effects)
Ondansetron 4mg at night (so not to throw up, Latuda/Invega adverse effect)
Rivastigmine 3 mg twice a day (so 3 in morning, 3 at night) (for Memory/adverse effect), so 6 mg  

It's still a lot. If all goes well, I'm gonna keep shedding these meds. It actually makes me angry that I was on so much medication for so long. It should've never gotten to this point. What is the long-term damage? Cancer? Are these medications making my mind go haywire? 

Help Me

 Help Me:

Girlfriend

I can't even express how full of frustration I am. I want to scream, shout, punch walls, come unglued. I've probably developed a life-threatening illness. 

A girlfriend I spent my time with would help tremendously. So if anyone wants to date me... I'm single. Please come to me! 

Man Getting Arrested

At Penn Station, I saw a man getting arrested by dozens of police officers. It was a very frightening situation. I walked to his right - just beside him and the officers. I'm catastrophizing I stepped on a hypodermic needle. I'd know if something punctured my shoe.

Dr. Natural - Is My Mom INTENTIONALLY Keeping Me A Child?

 Dr. Natural - Is My Mom INTENTIONALLY Keeping Me A Child?

Torture

MY PARENTS BELONG IN JAIL FOR SADISTICALLY TORTURING ME

Dependent

Because I'm dependent on my mom, I feel she's responsible for my happiness. So when I'm frustrated by my lack of socialization and isolation. To me, mommy is to blame and she's INTENTIONALLY keeping me a dependent man-child. I need to stop expecting my mom to make me happy.

Help

When I'm not seeing my friends from the psychosocial clubhouse or family, I'm alone. I'm alone ALL DAY LONG most days. I'm full of pent up energy and frustrations. I feel like I'm having a meltdown. I need socialization. It's torture being alone and being dependent on my parents.

My Mothers Portrait Of Me (11 19 2020)

My Mothers Portrait Of Me (11 19 2020):

Dr. Phil: Mom Solves All My Problems AND Frustration

Dr. Phil: 

Mom Solves All My Problems:

Frustration:

My Mothers Painting Of Me (Mr. Hollywood On The Beach With A Supermodel Girlfriend)

 My Mothers Painting Of Me (Mr. Hollywood On The Beach With a Supermodel Girlfriend):

Rage-Filled Ant Giant, Hell On Earth, Dr. Phil - Girlfriend, And NHL Hockey Player

Rage-Filled Ant Giant:

Hell On Earth:

Dr. Phil - Girlfriend:

NHL Hockey Player:

My Mothers Portrait Of Me

 My Mothers Portrait Of Me:

Horrifying Ant People Just Want Love

 Horrifying Ant People Just Want Love:

Mother - The Delusions Have Passed

I just had a conversation with a new friend. We determined my parents love me very much, especially my mother. My fear that she's a sadistic puppet master who's intentionally sabotaging my life is a delusion. There I go again. I was getting sick. A chat with a friend was helpful.

Holding Me Prisoner

My mom was holding me prisoner - intentionally keeping me a dependent manchild... but why? Was she doing it out of love? So when I'm finally unleashed I'd be a rage-filled, hungry, big dog rockstar? Or was it sadistic torture for nefarious reasons? Does my mother love me?

Torture

If my mom was depriving me of friendships, girlfriends, money, and independence... And I suspect she was. Then I hate my mother so much. She belongs in jail. It was inhumane what she did to me. It was torture. She sabotaged my entire life and I can't do anything about it.

Lightning-Man (Holy Squid), Help, and Hollywood Superstar

 Lightning-Man (Holy Squid):

Help:

Hollywood Superstar:

MONSTER Mom and Dad

MONSTER Mom:

MONSTER Dad:

My Dad And The Cell Phone:

My Mom's Mood:

AKEX

 AKEX:

Homeless Man's Blanket

In New York City, this homeless man was walking uncomfortably close to me. His blanket, which was attached to him like a cape, brushed up against my hand and arm. I immediately sanitized my hands. But I'm catastrophizing there was a hypodermic needle that stuck me. Ugh!

THE DELUSIONS HAVE PASSED

Sorry. I was getting confused, but the delusions have passed. I'm back to normal. Sadly, you're traumatized by me thinking you're A MONSTER. That should be the title of the movie: 

THE DELUSIONS HAVE PASSED. Why do I have no friends?

Holy Squid

 Holy Squid:

Squid And Yo Yo Yo, Monster Mom, and Predicate Logic

 Squid And Yo Yo Yo:

Monster Mom:

Predicate Logic:

My Mothers Portrait Of Me

My Mothers Portrait Of Me:

I'm getting really OCD with this, but here's a better scan of My Mothers Portrait Of Me. This one is more centered than the previous scan. Getting it PERFECT is really driving me crazy. Haha.