Screenplay - Socialization

As we've established: Andrew's a 32-year-old dependent man-child, no money, no friends, home all day long with my mom and stepdad, constantly alone in his head.

(At a Dr. Natural session)

Me: I have no power and control at home. I submit to my parents like a little boy.

Dr. Natural: Try to take charge of your life, get independent. Do your bills, medical forms, money, etc.

Me: Being around my stepdad is like being on stage, I constantly feel in panic mode.

My mom makes me dependent on her, everything feels so overwhelming.

So I live in a fantasyland on the internet.

Dr. Natural: Leave the fantasyland, enter the real world. You have to help yourself.

Me: Sometimes we can't help ourselves. I feel like everyone views me critically in the real world. I walk around like everything's focused on me.

Most friends I talk to I feel detached and alienated from. Alone in a crowd. I want a parental figure to protect me.

I send out S.O.S.'s online for socialization, money, and fame - but it goes into the VOID. Nobody's out there. 

Dr. Natural: The sad truth is you're all alone, have lost time, and most people don't care.

Me: Sometimes people hate their life so much, they'll take risks and don’t care about the consequences. That's what I do with my internet art. I hate my life so much, I make LOUD, sensational, attention-grabbing S.O.S.'s hoping for a magical savior, hoping it'll end like a feel-good Hollywood movie...

Dr. Natural: Give up the internet pipe dream, overcome your anxiety and agoraphobia, and meet friends in the REAL WORLD.

Me: It's like the song "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" by, The Beach Boys. Maybe I'm not too advanced (a genius), but I certainly feel different and detached, like I'm synced differently than everyone else. I'm in such emotional pain, crying out for socialization.

And when my mom gets older and can no longer provide for me, this nightmare will get worse... I can't imagine it can. But it probably will.

Screenplay - My Parents and HIV

Me: Dr. Natural, I suspect my parents were heroin addicts, my dad contracted HIV, and that's the reason for their divorce back in 1999. 

Dr. Natural: Have you ever asked them this question?

Me: Nobodies ever TOLD ME THIS verbally, but down deep I know it to be true.

Dr. Natural: Interesting. Tell me more... 

Me: My mom shelters me, babies me, tries to hide the truth. Then she re-married Dean (my step-dad) - who has intense PTSD. It’s like walking on eggshells being around him but she needs his money.

Dr. Natural: This sounds like fantasy and daydreams becoming delusions. Your parents love you and want the best. They’re people who live with sadistic bully patents. That’s not true for you.

____

(No longer at Dr. Natural's)

It's Saturday, Papi (my biological father) coves over the house for his weekly visit:

He brings me groceries - toilet paper, Gatorade, cold cuts, milk, etc.

He had a gigantic cut on his hand.

Me: Do you have HIV?

Papi (dodging the question): The cut is scabbed over, you can't get HIV from incidental contact.

Me (getting worried): DO YOU HAVE HIV?

Papi (getting angry): I don't have HIV.

(I suspect he's lying)

We have a fun day, I begin obsessing I have HIV.

____

Quick flash to a random Dr. Natural appointment:

Me: For years, my mom's been willfully blind to my self-sabotage and over-exercise.

____

(At home with my mom)

Me: Mom, Dad was over and was touching my cold cuts with a cut on his hand. Can I get HIV?

Mom: You can't get HIV that way. And the cold cuts were sealed.

(Changing topics)

Me: My back is really hurting. It’s from years of over-exercise. I can barely walk. Can you make an appointment with an orthopedic? 

Mom: You don't need an appointment, you need to wear a back brace. 

Me: Then buy me a back brace.

Mom (getting angry and hysterically manic): I have to know you'll wear it if I buy it. WE DON'T HAVE MONEY. NO ONE HAS JOBS!

Me (getting frustrated and angry): I'll wear it. Please buy it.

Mom (talking to me with angry venom): ALRIGHT!

Me: Also mom, I have years of exposure to excess sunlight. I was literally outside all day long for years. I need to make an appointment to see a dermatologist. 

Me: And I get bad stress headaches, all day long, for years. I need to see the brain doctor.

(Weeks pass, she doesn't make the appointments)

(After that angry ordeal, an hour later we meet outback and sit by the firepit)

It's like a bipolar mood swing, now we're having a great time.

Text messages (afterward):
Me: I had such a wonderful time sitting with you guys in the backyard. Let’s do it again soon. I wasn’t feeling too good, but after socializing with loved ones now I feel great.

Mom: We love you too. It was fun to see you happy and laughing. Thank you.

Dean (Step-Dad): I enjoyed sitting and talking and laughing. It’s always good to spend time with family, that’s what makes memories.

____

(Dr. Natural Appointment):

Me: When I get angry with my parents, I make sensational social media posts on the internet. I want to get vengeance by going viral, a chain-reaction will happen, then they'll be shamed and I’ll be a Hollywood A-Lister.

Dr. Natural: It's like a written temper tantrum.

Me: Only 10 or so people read it.

Dr. Natural: It's unlikely it's a major motion picture company or a pop superstar like you daydream about.

Me: I daydream this will end like a feel-good Hollywood movie. 

Dr. Natural: Unfortunately, the people reading this are most likely cyberbullies.

Me: I hope those cyberbullies leave me alone. They've caused enough trouble already.

Dr. Natural: Exactly!

Me: Then after exorcising my demons online, the tsunami starts to pass. 

Dr. Natural: You often lose sight of all the positive when emotion overtakes you.

Me: Then I start to think of happy times and begin feeling such guilt. There’s so much to take down off the internet that it might be impossible… and they have no idea. It's like a rabbit hole of parental criticism.

Dr. Natural: If your parents saw this, how would they feel?

Me: They'd be crushed. I wouldn’t know what to say or do. It’s like: what the hell am I doing? I’m not looking to hurt them. I want this to end happily for everyone, especially my family.
Dr. Natural: Then stop talking about your parents publically on the internet. How do you think this will end?

Me: When I'm frustrated, alone in my head - I feel validated and heard. 

Dr. Natural: Don't express yourself this way, it might end badly. 

Me: I want to be a good, loving guy, not a bad man. 

Dr. Natural: The first step is to stop negatively talking about your parents publically on the internet. 

____

I just said to Dr. Natural that I'm going to stop making sensational social media posts about my parents online.

At home, my mom's yelling at me, and yelling at me, and yelling at me. I’m at my wit’s end with her.

I ADD TO THE RABBIT HOLE WITH AN ANGRY WRITTEN TEMPER TANTRUM.

There was nothing else to do. I wanted to SCREAM!

____

Me: Dr. Natural, I was bullied in middle and high school. They’d physically hit me causing bruises on my arms, verbally taunt me until I hysterically cried, would steal and hide my backpack, they even put a worm in my sandwich, just to name a few traumas.

Dr. Natural: You learned to feel unsafe in public because people were sabotaging you. You're in constant panic paranoia mode. But you need to realize it’s over, people are not harming you anymore.

Me: It’s turned into a constant fear of HIV. I’ll give you examples from this week:

- On Wednesday I was in the Emergency Room, I thought a nurse was posing me for nefarious reasons. Needless to say, she probably wasn’t and was just doing her job.
- On Thursday, in Central Park in NYC, I was in a bathroom. Then I thought I stepped on a sharp object. I’m imagining a hypodermic needle, but there was nothing around.
- Yesterday, I stepped on a big napkin on my walk. Then a sprinkler wet my shoe. I thought HIV got into my shoe from the mixture of the napkin and water.
- This morning, I noticed my toothbrush was warm and wet. Not sure how it happened. Needless to say, I start daydreaming and catastrophizing, Did someone break into my apartment to poison me?

- When I take walks, I’ll see needles and condoms, and I’ll be afraid I stepped on them. 

- In NYC, air conditioner water will drip on me. 

- Or someone will accidentally spit when they talk. 

- There was a carton of milk, something that looked like dried blood on it, I washed it off, but it got on my hands. 

- I’m afraid people are trying to nefariously infect me, by poisoning my food for example.

- I'm afraid of public bathrooms.

Dr. Natural: The world sounds like a big, scary place to you. You just want to stay home safe and sound. 

Me: I like it when my mom comforts me. Tells me that everything’s ok. That I don’t have HIV from these sadistic monsters. But then I get irritated with my parents and say my chains are maternal.

To me, HIV is a worst-case scenario. I haven’t had much fun in my life. If I become HIV positive, my life will change SIGNIFICANTLY – very few women will date me, I fear I’ll have no friends – it’s like the end of the world as I know it.
Dr. Natural: You have horrifying panic attacks that HIV is all around you, on everything. This stems from childhood bullying. Even your body is bullying you and making you feel unsafe. 

Me: It’s an exhausting way to live.

Screenplay - Social Media and Delusions

Me: As we've established, Dr. Natural, I like to daydream. Right now I think major motion picture companies are getting ready to hire me because pop stars know about my existence. They've been secretly following me on the internet for YEARS.

Dr. Natural. Because you were socially isolated, with no friends, alone in your head, fantasies comforted you. The line between fantasy and reality became blurred, you became delusional. 

Me: I'm constantly on social media. Viewing profiles of celebrities, daydreaming they know who I am. 

Dr. Natural: They don't.

Me: And I believe posts they make are talking directly to me. It feels like they're my best friend.

Dr. Natural: That's why social media is so toxic. They are in a way talking to YOU, but it's EVERYONE (the public). It feels like it's a message directed at just you, but it's not.

Me: I get so envious of what their life appears to be.

Dr. Natural: Social media is a distorted image. It's a snapshot of them at the best moments of their life. You don't see the mundane drudgery. Success is like an iceberg you only see the tip, the hard work and sacrifice are all underwater.

Me: I daydream I'll be like them soon. We're going to make the EPIC MOVIE. When I get well they'll wave their magic wand. It'll be a Cinderella story.

Dr. Natural: What's the point of going to the best doctors when you resist by getting sucked into the internet fantasy/delusion world?  

Me: It just feels so good. Do you like to daydream, Dr. Natural?

Dr. Natural: I realistically daydream about writing papers that will get published in journals.

Me: Isn't that what I'm doing? I'm daydreaming I'm going to be a Hollywood A-Lister. That's my goal.

Dr. Natural: Your daydreams cross the line into delusions. It's not a realistic, attainable goal. Try working at the psychosocial clubhouse as a peer specialist.

Me: Why would I want to work as a peer specialist when I should be a millionaire actor/comedian?

Dr. Natural: The Double Bookkeeping prevents you from having a real job. It prevents you from making money to get independent of your mother. It prevents you from coming down on medication.    

Me: Right. Because I feel important people already know about me.

Dr. Natural: And realize this: you want pop superstars to save you and live life for you like a mother.

Me: I have to save myself?

Dr. Natural: Exactly, Andrew. 

Sorry to be blunt... but who cares about pop stars and sensational movies?! It's cheap entertainment. These pop stars are just people appealing to the lowest common denominator. They don't care. They're not special. And won't rescue you.

Me: I guess Papi views entertainers with high regard. This is why I do too. 

Dr. Natural: Do something more meaningful. Advocate for people with severe mental illness, living in poverty, who are getting bullied. Do something that HELPS PEOPLE. The delusion of grandeur cripples you. 

Me: You're right. Getting sucked into the entertainment world on social media is comforting but it's a DAYDREAM. Give it up.

Dr. Natural: You had nothing else in your life, so you needed the pop superstar fantasies. Now you have friends at the psychosocial clubhouse. Socialize, live in the REAL WORLD with REAL PEOPLE.

Me: Do you recommend going off social media like an alcoholic who needs to give up his addiction?

Dr. Natural: It won't be easy but to recover, yes.

My Mom - A Social Media Temper Tantrum

Ever since the Coronavirus began, my mom has been pulling away for health reasons. She's high-risk to have health complications if she gets sick. So she leaves me socially isolated, alone in my apartment like area, all day long. 

I just talked with her over the phone, all she does is yell at me. I'm frustrated, irritable from months of isolation. My emotions are overtaking like a tsunami - just calm down. She's not the bane of my existence.

For years, she's been willfully blind to my self-sabotage and over-exercise. She won't let me fly for her nest. She controls my money, won't let me have more than $2,000 in the bank (because I'll lose food stamps).

Phone conversation:

My back is really hurting. It's from years of over-exercise. I can barely walk. I have to make an appointment with an orthopedic. I'm asking her to make the appointment, she's not making the appointment. She's yelling at me to wear a back brace. I said: buy me a back brace.

I have years of exposure to excess sunlight. I was literally outside all day long for years. I need to make an appointment to see a dermatologist. She's not making the appointment.

Then she starts yelling at me, and yelling at me, and yelling at me. I'm at my wit's end with her.

I need to calm down and realize she didn't intentionally sabotage my life. She loves me very much. I'm just really angry and frustrated about the Coronavirus and how my life turned out. Don't get overtaken with frustration. Sunny days are coming.

I often lose sight of all the positive, then I vent my frustrations on the internet. Basically, I want to get vengeance through sensational social media posts. Then she'll be shamed and I'll be a Hollywood a-lister.

After writing this angry post, I'm starting to calm down. I exorcised my demons through a written temper tantrum. The tsunami is starting to pass.

Stop being dependent on my mom because that's the source of my frustration. Forget vengeance, and make myself a massive success. I must stop expecting her to make me a comedy superstar and make MYSELF a comedy superstar.

Although the Coronavirus social isolation is bad, maybe it's a blessing she made me the apartment-like area. Imagine my mom, step-dad, and I, home quarantined ALL DAY LONG for months. Would it be worse? Who knows?

Screenplay - Dependent Man-Child (Mother)

Me: My mom acts like I'm incapable of being an independent adult. She does me medical forms, bills, controls my money. But I'm a college graduate, do complex tasks on the internet. She intentionally makes me unsure of myself. My mom's holding me as a prisoner for nefarious reasons.

Dr. Natural: This is partially a delusion. You're co-dependent. But your chains aren't entirely maternal, they're also internal.

Me: I think she's making me a dependent man-child for sadistic and nefarious reasons. Does she want to turn me into Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd (The Wall) because Billy Joel is my biological father? To sadistically rob me of life experience because she hates Billy Joel for using her, making me lose precious time and childhood. Am I just a pawn in her sick game?

Dr. Natural: Again, delusional, It's just easier to blame your mom for your shortcomings. It'd be nice if your rockstar daydreams were reality, then a magic wand would be waved, you'd be a Cinderella story. Unfortunately, things aren't a fairy tale.

Me: Are you sure my mom didn't make me a dependent man-child INTENTIONALLY?! She babied me, now I'm unsure of myself everywhere I go. Maybe it wasn't evil, maybe she was trying to turn me into a Peter Pan-like rockstar.

Dr. Natural: ...again, it's a delusion. 

Because you were bullied in middle and high school you learned the world was a scary place. You felt safe around mommy. Thankfully, you're finally starting to meet friends at the psychosocial clubhouse in NYC.

Me: Even my friends at the psychosocial clubhouse are like parents. They protect me, guide me around, take me to restaurants. I wanted mommy to do everything. I even wanted her to help me meet friends and girlfriends.

Dr. Natural: Then you became irritated by your parents and your home environment, blamed your parents for being the bane of your existence. Your lost time is sad, but your mother loves you very much and wants the best for you. The sadistic monsters were the kids in middle school.

Me: Everywhere I go I think people are looking at me in a critical way (like the bullies did), feel like a deer caught in headlights. In NYC, I think people are going to rob me, I think people are poisoning me. 

Dr. Natural: You're agoraphobic and have severe panic attacks, so you hide from the world. Mommy is like a comfortable, warm blanket. You feel safe, secure, protected around mom at home.

Me: So I started living in my internet fantasy-land, sending out my sensational S.O.S.'s for success and friendship. I've just wasted so much time. It's easier to say my mom's evil, she hates me because I'm a rockstar...

Dr. Natural: That's delusional to protect you from the sad reality. Your mom isn't preventing you from living life. On the contrary, she's expressed a strong desire to have you fly from her nest.

Me: Maybe my mom's two-faced. Her public face (in front of doctors), she pretends to be a loving mother. In secret, she's nefarious and evil.

Dr. Natural: Catch it, check it, change it... See how your mind works. You get overtaken by panic, then blame your mother.

Me: You say the real nefarious and evil ones were the middle school bullies, I run back to mommy for comfort. I just want to feel safe and sound.

Dr. Natural: This is why we're working to make you independent.

Me: Ever hear the old saying: fish for someone - they're fed for a day.

Teach someone to fish - they can eat the rest of their life.

My mom never taught me to fish, I have no money saved in the bank, my mom controls my money. I have to get my mom's permission and approval for everything.

Dr. Natural: Teach yourself how to fish, you're 32 years old. Stop asking for your mom's permission, and live your own life. If you don't get independent, you're going to be in store for DOOM when your mom can no longer taking care of you.

Me: My life has been one big nightmare up until this point. I fully expect more disastrous days.

Screenplay - My Story

My screenplay begins in January 2017 when I first meet Dr. Natural. I’m told he’s the best in the business but didn’t grasp anyone could truly understand me.

Before meeting him, I had years of trauma - social isolation, no friends, no girlfriend, no money, dependent man-child. Which led to psychotic breaks and hospitalizations.

I was home all day long, with my mom and stepdad. The home environment was like walking on eggshells. I went into an inner-world in my head. My solution to the problem is to play a sensational "The Joker" comic book character online, to go viral, shame my parents, and become a Hollywood superstar. It was certainly attention-grabbing, but I was SCREAMING INTO A VOID BLACK HOLE.

Unlike therapists of the past, where my mom would often talk FOR ME and control my narrative, Dr. Natural wanted to hear ME!

He wasn’t just giving me lip service. I felt validated and heard. Like he cared about my pain. My life was black and white, now it finally started to get some color.

As we scratched the surface, we realized my crazy social media posts are an S.O.S. crying out for friendship and socialization. Like Wonderland, I’m digging a rabbit hole. Success will come from leaving my house, being in the REAL WORLD. 

As we dug a little deeper...

I remember my Elementary School years being happy. I had friends, would play outside.

Then my parents became divorced in 1999 as I was entering middle school. That’s when I became a prisoner, that’s when the mental illness began.

My mom was very babying. Although she loves me, by protecting me, she made me anxious. I didn’t stand up for myself.

My stepdad was strict and bossy. He liked having power and control. Being home with him was like walking on eggshells. But at heart, he loves me.

The MONSTERS who took sadistic pleasure in my suffering were the middle and high school bullies. They physically, verbally, mentally traumatized me.

I became socially anxious, felt like a defective freak. I went into an inner-fantasy-land.

Basically, I had no childhood.

When I graduated high school, from mid-2005 – 2011, I had no friends, no girlfriends, no job, no money. My mom took care of me like a dependent man-child. I wanted to be protected by my mom, safe and sound.

I began running and walking – ALL DAY LONG. Exercise was ALL I DID. I was constantly alone in my head, daydreaming. My parents were neglectful and willfully blind to my dysfunction, I suspected nefarious. The years of isolation, running, and walking threw the chemicals off in my brain. I developed severe mental illness. I began blurring fantasy and reality.

Initially, the delusions were a friend from high school was watching me on my walks, coming back into my life. Then as time went on, it escalated. It became I’m going to be a Hollywood superstar. 

At the root of the daydreams, I wanted friends. The daydreams protected me from my painful reality – that I’m losing my mind and nobody cares.

This went on for years. I could’ve died from over-exercise and my eating disorder.

It took delusional accusing my parents of horrible crimes before they took action and hospitalized me in 2011.

We discovered my delusions were like a metaphor. The emotions are TRUE, even if the thoughts are confused. When your basic social needs aren’t being met, you’re like a baby that HUNGRY. You blame your parents for your hunger. You feel like they’re doing it intentionally for nefarious reasons.

Because I was socially anxious, agoraphobic, a dependent man-child, and my parents had power and control over my life. I wanted mommy and daddy to help me meet a woman – like mommy did everything else for me.

When years of social isolation and no girlfriend went on – I felt like MOMMY WAS STARVING ME INTENTIONALLY. 

My chains are internal, not maternal.

Why did I think a rockstar was my biological father? Because I had disappointing father figures. I wanted fame, I wanted a daddy to love me.

It’s like a metaphor.

I had SIX psychiatric hospitalizations in 2011. I had to accept that I had a severe mental illness - schizoaffective disorder. 

I began taking a mega regimen of psychiatric medication compliantly since August 2011. It can be very frustrating. There are a lot of adverse side effects. And sometimes it felt like the people in my home environment needed medication more than I did. But I’m Be Good Johnny (Men At Work). I’m a good boy.

In 2012 after the hospitalizations, I stopped running (still walked all day long). I met a good psychopharmacologist (Dr. Stephen Strange) - the best in the business. I had the first girlfriend of my life. I still wasn't completely recovered. 

The girlfriends I met from 2012 – 2016 all broke up with me since I was like a baby playing. It was good because I had no childhood. But they wanted a potential future with someone - I wanted to be like Peter Pan in Neverland. It still felt like my mom was in control, sabotaging relationships.

In September 2016, my final girlfriend broke up with me and I experienced what would become the worst years of my life. 

The prison bars went up again.

My stepdad became disabled. It was me, my mom, and stepdad home all day, every day. I had no REAL friends, no girlfriends, no job, dependent man-child. I was alone in my head, hiding from my parents.

This is when I began living in an internet fantasy-land, making sensational videos, sending out my S.O.S.’s to be saved. 

My social anxiety, agoraphobia, and dependency on my parents, especially my mother resulted in me losing so much time. 

Thankfully in July 2019, I moved into an apartment-like area. Got some peace and quiet. And in August 2019, I met the first real friends of my life at the psychosocial clubhouse in New York City. But I expect them to be mother-like and treat me like a child. They make the plans, take me around NYC, take care of me, bring me parks and restaurants. I mindlessly follow them like they’re my mommy.

I have a hard time living my own life. My mom is warm, comforting, a protector. But BE A MAN, break free of my dependency and fear. Take acting classes, comedy classes – WITHOUT my mother’s permission and approval. I don’t need life spoon-fed to me.

After all, dependency on my mother is leading me to overwhelming doom if I don’t take action.

I’m hopeful my best days are coming, Knowing me, it’ll actually be my worst days because my life is one big hellish nightmare.

Who would've thought the Coronavirus would happen. It did. It was bad for my mental health. Can it get worse? Life's unpredictable. We'll see.

Andrew Barrett

My sensational "Cell Waters" character is a bit like The Joker if he was a superhero.

I also look a lot like Syd Barrett, so instead of Roger Waters... maybe I'll change my stage-name to Andrew Barrett of the rock band: Pink Crayon.

The lunatic is touching the Pink Crayon!

My Story (06 23 2020)

What is my story? I'm a 32-year-old, dependent man-child, suffering from Schizoaffective disorder. I'll tell you why.

I remember my Elementary School years being fun. I had friends, everything was rainbows and butterflies. 

When I entered Middle School, my parents became divorced. That’s when the mental illness began.

My mom was very babying. Although she loves me, by protecting me, she made me anxious. I didn’t stand up for myself.

My stepdad was strict and bossy. He liked having power and control. Being home with him was like walking on eggshells. But at heart, he loves me.

The MONSTERS who took sadistic pleasure in my suffering were the middle and high school bullies. They physically, verbally, mentally traumatized me.

I became socially anxious, felt like a defective freak, went into an inner-fantasy-land. 

When I graduated high school, from mid-2005 – 2011, I had no friends, no girlfriends, no job, no money. My mom took care of me like a dependent man-child. I wanted to be protected by my mom, safe and sound.

I started running and walking ALL DAY LONG, exercising to the point I could’ve died, was alone in my head, solitary - all day, every day. So I began blurring fantasy and reality. Initially, the delusions were hoping a friend from years was watching me on my walks, coming back into my life. Then as time went on, it escalated. It became I’m a Hollywood superstar. The daydreams protected me from my painful reality - that I'm losing my mind.

I know some say it's biological, my genetics. Yes, medication helps. Here’s what I think: I had a psychotic break. My brain snapped, the chemicals went off, years of poor mental health damaged my brain. The damage is done, now I have to recover.

IIf you think about the delusions I got in 2011, they made sense, even if the thoughts were confused. The emotion is real. I wanted socialization, wanted mommy and daddy to help, and care about me.

I had some recovery from 2012 - 2016... I guess. 

From September 2016 – August 2019, I snapped again. My stepdad became disabled. It was me, my mom, and stepdad home all day, every day. I had no REAL friends, no girlfriends, no job, dependent man-child. I was alone in my head, hiding from my parents, living in an internet fantasy-land.

In June 2020, a lot of my problems are being dependent on my parents, especially my mother. I want my mom to live my life for me. If I’m dependent on my mom when she goes away – it won’t be good. Independence, socialization, and living in the real world is the key to less medication and recovery.

In August 2019, I met the first real friends of my life at the psychosocial clubhouse in NYC. But I expect them to be mother-like and treat me like a child. They make the plans, take me around NYC, take care of me, bring me parks and restaurants. I mindlessly follow them like they’re my mommy.

I have a hard time living my own life. My mom is warm, comforting, a protector. But BE A MAN, break free of my dependency and fear. Take acting classes, comedy classes – WITHOUT my mother's permission and approval. I don’t need life spoon-fed to me. 

After all, dependency on my mother is leading me to overwhelming doom if I don't take action. Knowing me, my worst days are coming. Because my life is one big hellish nightmare.

My Mom Is Two-Faced

My dad often compares entertainment to Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. For example, the New World Order from Professional Wrestling, or Darth Vader and the Storm Troopers from Star Wars. He says: maybe they didn't realize they were doing bad things. Maybe in their mind, they were doing the right thing. That's a harsh comparison, so I won't touch that with a 10-foot-poll.

I know it sounds insane, but my mother is two-faced. She's like a serial killer who took SADISTIC PLEASURE in sabotaging my life. She's intentionally keeping me a dependent man-child, preventing me from flying to rob me of my childhood, twenties, and early adulthood.

She has a public face which she wears in front of doctors and people of importance, where she PRETENDS to be an innocent and loving mother. In secret, she's MONSTERIOUS, sadistic, wilfully blind, keeping me a dependent man-child for nefarious reasons.

When I mention this to doctors they tell me my chains are internal, not maternal. The people who TRULY took sadistic pleasure in my suffering are the middle and high school bullies. 

Doctors are being fooled because my mother's two-faced. She's keeping me a dependent man-child to rob me of my youth.

Why did my mother do it? Is a rockstar my REAL biological father? Did she hurt me to hurt my father? Is my existence just a pawn in their sick game?

Maybe it's tough love and she's not sabotaging my life. Maybe I'm in her cocoon. She wants to turn me into a Peter Pan, Freddie Mercury, Michael Jackson-like rockstar. She robbed me of my childhood to motivate me. Then like "Pink Floyd - The Wall", when I finally TEAR DOWN THE WALL, I'll become supercharged - a beautiful rockstar butterfly. 

Or maybe she is pure evil and she wanted to hurt me. That makes more sense because I could've died from mid-2005 - 2011, and she couldn't care less.

Or is this Schizoaffective disorder? I'm delusional. My mother loves me very much. She got me into therapy, isn't two-faced. Is it all my mental illness? 

I could've died

From mid-2005 - 2011, I was running 14 miles then walking all day long. It's because I was in a constant state of anxiety and panic due to the home environment, I could've died, my mom was willfully blind. I was only hospitalized once I started accusing them of horrible crimes. They didn't care I could've died.

Two-Faced Mother

Comparing yourself to sensational comic book movies is silly, absurd, and childish. But my dad likes to compare himself to The Joker from Batman and has compared my mom to Two-Face (Harvey Dent).

There's truth to calling my mom two-faced. She has a public face and a private face. In public, in front of doctors - she has this loving mother routine, she pretends to be a weak, elderly mother, who is concerned and compassionate about her son and family. 

Behind closed doors, she can be a MONSTER - sadistic, nefarious, evil - A BITCH. She hides it well. She pretends her monstrous side doesn't exist. She's a two-faced phony.

Dad

I'm certain my dad's a psychopath and a narcissist who gets sadistic pleasure from my suffering. He bought me cold cuts yesterday, I ate them. Is it a long con? Is he poisoning me? If not with the cold cuts, by turning into a villain like a sensational professional wrestler real soon?

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day

Dependent Man-Child

I'm told by professionals my chains are internal, not maternal. My mom's not a two-faced sadistic monster, the true monsters are the middle school bullies. But I strongly feel my mom INTENTIONALLY starved me of socialization, friendships, girlfriends, didn't let me have money or a childhood. She made me a 32-year-old dependent man-child for sadistic and nefarious reasons. Or am I a baby that's hungry and when I eat, and my basic human needs are satisfied, then I'll stop blaming my mom for being the bane of my existence? Maybe it's tough love, by starving me my mom was trying to turn me into a Peter Pan-like rockstar?

Elephant In The Room

Everywhere I go I feel like I'm wearing the crazy scarlet letter - my flaws are exposed for all to see. Why am I the elephant in the room? There's something about me that's OBVIOUS, everyone knows, but they play stupid or willfully blind. It's either too tough an issue to tackle, or they want to remain silent for some reason.

There's a weird conspiracy going on. My families playing dumb, friends are playing dumb, even doctors are playing dumb. Why? It's not just a severe mental illness. What is it? What is so hard to tell me? What am I missing? I have my theories and suspicions... why am I elephant in the room?

The Bullies And HIV

I was bullied in middle and high school. They'd physically hit me causing bruises on my arms, verbally taunt me until I hysterically cried, would steal and hide my backpack, they even put a worm in my sandwich, just to name a few traumas.

I learned to feel unsafe in public because people were sabotaging me. I'm in constant panic paranoia mode. But I need to realize it's over, people are not harming me.

It's turned into a constant fear of HIV. I'll give you examples from this week:

On Wednesday in the Emergency Room, I thought a nurse was posing me for nefarious reasons. Needless to say, she probably wasn't and was just doing her job.

On Thursday, in Central Park in NYC, I was in a bathroom. Then I thought I stepped on a sharp object. I'm imagining a hypodermic needle, but there was nothing around. 

Yesterday, I stepped on a big napkin on my walk. Then a sprinkler wet my shoe. I thought HIV got into my shoe from the mixture of the napkin and water. 

This morning, I noticed my toothbrush was warm and wet. Not sure how it happened. Needless to say, I start daydreaming and catastrophizing, Did someone break into my apartment to poison me?

I just want to stay home, safe, and sound. 

I like it when my mom comforts me. Tells me that everything's ok. That I don't have HIV from these sadistic monsters. But then I get irritated with my parents and say my chains are maternal.

appease cretins

My internet friend: "Vincenzo Scipioni" said on Twitter @UnseeingEyes:

"...And those of us with half a brain who are grossly outnumbered have to live amongst and appease cretins." (Unrelated post to me).

That's exactly how I feel at home. Because my mom controls my money, forms, and I'm a dependent manchild. I'm smarter than my parents, doctors from years ago - yet I don't have power and control, have to walk on eggshells, and "appease cretins" until I do.

My solution is to go viral through sensational social media posts, everything goes viral, an overwhelming flood of fame and fortune happens. I'm told this is an unrealistic pipe dream, but I feel like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys. "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times." I have to agree with family and doctors that I'm having delusions of grandeur. The reality is: they can't see me GENIUS. Soon they'll see my worth.

2005 - 2011 (My chains were not maternal)

Even though some people might try and claim my delusions are complete madness, if you really think about it, the 2011 delusions made sense. The emotion and feelings were true, even if the thoughts were a bit confused.

In middle and high school, I was severely bullied by the other kids. I had no friends, no girlfriends, no money (dependent manchild). From mid-2005 (when I graduated high school) until 2011 (when I had my psychotic break), I was exercising ALL DAY LONG. I was alone in my head, daydreaming about socialization. At first, I daydreamed kids from high school still cared about my existence. Then the fantasies escalated, it became I'm a Hollywood rockstar. The line between fantasy and reality became blurred - daydreams comforted me from my pain.

At home, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. It was constant chaos. My mom babied me like a child, did my bills, controlled my money. She made me very unsure of myself. I had no power and control. 

When your basic human needs aren't being met, you're like a baby that's very hungry. You blame your parents for your hunger. It felt like mommy was doing this to me intentionally. WHY CAN'T MOMMY AND DADDY HELP ME MEET A GIRLFRIEND. It felt nefarious and sadistic, but it's just my hunger talking.

My social anxiety, agoraphobia, and poor social skills are to blame. My chains were not maternal.

SERIOUS E-MAIL - please reply - Emergency Room

Yesterday, I had to go to the emergency room. Invega and psychiatric medication cause esophagus paralysis. Hard foods like steak, tuna, peanut butter, I often have difficulty swallowing. Yesterday, I ate a carrot, it got caught in the throat for over an hour. I was scared. So I went to the emergency room at 2 am.

I sat there for two hours, it was TORTURE. They said it's probably irritated or a partial obstruction. Eventually, they gave me some fluid to loosen my throat.

When the woman gave me my fluid. She picked something off the ground, she said it was garbage, then put it in hazardous waste without washing her hands. Then immediately after, without using gloves, she made me my drink. It felt like her hands were still tainted and getting in my drink. I was grossed out. Can I get HIV or Coronavirus from this? Obviously, I'm more scared of HIV.

I can't escape my mom

I just sat outside with my mom. She's such a power-hungry control freak. She's probably a narcissist.

She wouldn't let me light the firepit without my stepdad. I tried INSISTING, but she was making me unsure of myself. It felt like I was on stage, walking on eggshells. 

I told her I want to get a job, do comedy and acting - but need her permission and approval. 

I needed to PROVE to my mom I'm EPIC at comedy, so she'd give me money for classes. I started doing A+ stand-up jokes. She was critical of all my jokes, told me to watch America's Got Talent. I said: "I'M A BEGINNER - this is why I need TRAINING." 

I feel dependent like she's holding me as a prisoner. I can't escape my mom's control. Even if she's not intentionally sabotaging my growth, that's exactly what she's doing.

And my solution?! SCREAM publicly on the internet and hope someone gets my S.O.S. It seems the only people who will are sadistic cyberbullies who want to sabotage me. I fantasize and daydream it'll be major motion picture companies and A-like celebrities. Then it'll be a Cinderella Story, I'll be a millionaire, and my parents will then be shamed for their horrible abuse.

My mom's a narcissist

Even if my mom didn't intentionally starve me of friendships, girlfriends, jobs, making me a dependent man-child with no money saved in the bank at 32 years old. She's a power-hungry, control freak, narcissist who sabotaged my life. My chains are material. I need to get away, but I'm dependent on her. Because my mom needed to be in control of me, I went crazy.

When we have conversations, she never listens to me, she just talks about herself the whole time. 

It's like I need her permission and approval to live my life. I'm in a constant state of chaos, walking on eggshells.

I'm trapped in hell and began living in a fantasyland. I think my ticket to freedom is sensational posts that will go viral, shame my parents, and make me a Hollywood superstar. But my mom has no empathy, that's exactly what she wants too.

aunt and uncle looking at me critically?

I have an insecurity that people, especially people who know about my history, view me critically. I feel like I'm wearing the FREAK scarlet letter around them.

For example, yesterday, my aunt and uncle were over the house for a BBQ (who we haven't seen in a long time). I believe they're judgmental and mock me and my family when we're not around. We're the crazy family to them.

I went out back for a moment to retrieve dinner. I had crazy eyes and Syd Barett 1960's rockstar hair (because of the Coronavirus). I could FEEL their judgmental stares and mockery. They looked at each other, rolled their eyes, were condescending, in a "what a FREAK Andrew is" kind of way.

Needless to say, I couldn't deal with the phony interaction, so I hid in my bedroom and did solitary walks around the neighborhood until they left.

My Aunt and Uncle love me. It's like in Dr. Natural's book, the kid thinks the dog is mocking his puny arms. A dog isn't doing that. Dogs don't judge. The kid is projecting his insecurities onto the dog.

stop talking about my parents

Last night, I sat outside by the firepit with my mom and stepdad. It was a great time.

I texted them: "I had such a wonderful time sitting with you guys in the backyard. Let's do it again soon. I wasn't feeling too good, but after socializing with loved ones now I feel great"

My mom said: "We love you too and was fun to see you happy and laughing....so thank you ...."

My stepdad said: "I enjoyed sitting and talking and laughing. It's always good to spend timewith family, that's what makes memories."

I started thinking of happy times and began feeling such guilt I began to cry hysterically. I've made my frustrations public, and there's so much to take down. It might be impossible... and they have no idea.

If he saw it, he'd be crushed. I wouldn't know what to say or do. It's like, what the fuck am I doing? I'm not looking to hurt the man. I want this to end happily for everyone, especially my family.

It just hurts so much. Yes, I was sick. Yes, I need help. Yes, I didn't grasp what I was doing. Yes, they'll probably forgive me.

But I want to be a good, loving guy, not a bad man. I guess first stop negatively talking about my parents publically on the internet. How did I think it'd end?

Somebody, PLEASE HELP ME! 

sue my parents

I'm told I can't sue my parents for sabotaging my life. If I could, the courts would be full of people suing their parents. EVERYONE HAS SOME ISSUE WITH THEIR PARENTS.

My imagination goes like this. I bring my mom, dad, and stepdad into the courtroom. I say you're the reason I'm mentally ill. Being home was like walking on eggshells, a constant state of panic, I went into an inner-fantasyland. Blurred fantasy and reality. Could've died from over-exercise. They were neglectful and willfully blind.

My mom and stepdad will try to say I'm the provocative one. the mentally ill one, blame it on my stepdad's 2016 TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY (from work). That's bullshit! He was always impossible to be around. That's why I exercised all day long from 2005 - 2011.

My parents aren't millionaires. Suing poor people is not a logical idea. Make myself a success, which I'm trying to do with sensational social media posts.

I guess I'm dependent on my parents because I have a severe mental illness. They irritate me. Then I become OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTION. But the ones who TRULY got sadistic pleasure from my suffering weren't my parents. It was the middle and high school bullies. That's why I became afraid of the world, why I had no friends, that's why I was socially anxious, which led to me being alone in my head, then becoming delusional. 

My basic human needs aren't being met. I'm like a baby that's EXTREMELY HUNGRY. I BLAME MY PARENTS. Think they should GIVE ME FOOD. I'm 32 years old. My chains are internal, not maternal. It's my responsibility to find my own food and independence.

Basically, my life is a tragedy and when my mom can no longer take care of me, if I don't teach myself how to be independent, I'm in store for doom. But doom is the story of my life.

My Brain

My brain feels like it's about to explode from intense energy and frustration. I need to calm down before it does. I'll try calm, relaxing things tonight. I want to live a long life. I need to stop being so intense and manic. It's been going on weeks, maybe months. It's not good.

I HATE My Stepdad

I pretend to like and get along with my stepdad, as he does me. The reality is I HATE him for ruining my life. I blame him for the severe mental illness I developed. Although he didn't get sadistic pleasure from my suffering like the middle and high school bullies. Being home was like walking on eggshells. I was in a constant state of panic. I can't assert myself around him, I'm intimidated.

From 2005 - 2011, I ran all day long until I had a psychotic break. He was neglectful, did nothing. 

From Sep 2016 - Aug 2019, I was home with my parents ALL DAY LONG. Had no friends, no job, was alone in my head. I went into an internet fantasyland. Again, he did nothing.

He's not empathetic at all. He thinks of me as a disabled loser. Has animosity and anger towards me. He views me as the bane of his existence. He even said, "what do you do to support the household?" I'm not a loser, I'm a GENIUS.

Rather than be obsessed with getting vengeance by going viral online, becoming a Hollywood superstar. Then our dirty laundry is exposed - I'm successful, he's shamed. Let it go. Just let it go. It's hard when I'm dependent on my parents at the moment. 

Seeing him, even writing this just makes the anger start to boil. I need to remind myself he cares about me. When I got my first job he cried, he got emotional in the psychiatry office. He's just mentally ill.

Maybe the answer is not being scared to talk to him in person. He wouldn't validate me anyway, he always has to be right. If he said the sky is purple and I tried correcting him that it's blue, he still would dismiss me as a pathetic man-child. I just HATE him.

The Incredible Hulk

If you've never seen the 2008 movie "The Incredible Hulk" with Edward Norton, it's a classic. One of the greatest movies of all time.

In the movie, Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) is a mad scientist who transforms himself into a monstrous creature through a gamma radiation experiment. The US Government wants to study, assess, and evaluate him and he becomes a fugitive (for this reason). He has to live a low-key existence, working at some factory in South America to hide from the world.

For an absurd comedy, it'd be funny if my sensational, silly Mr. Mayonnaise videos with my parents, angered the North Korean government, the Chinese government (for my Coronavirus conspiracy theories), the anonymous hacking group, 4chan...

Maybe something can cause the "Andrew Diagnosis." Like a professional wrestler with Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE), or like Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd. It can even be silly like eating too much tuna fish (Mercury Poisoning) or going mad from running 16 miles every day. Everyone wants to experiment on me because of the "Andrew Diagnosis." A CONDITION that is so unique, it needs to be studied.

Basically, it's like the video game Grand theft Auto when you have 6 stars and everyone's after you.

I have to hide in South America to fly under the radar. I walk around with mega PTSD, afraid of everyone, walking on eggshells.

The jokes I'm a severely mentally ill 32-year-old man, being taken care of by his parents. My mom says: I can't even shave or dress by myself... but everyone's after me because of my crazy YouTube videos and FASCINATING CONDITION.

At first friends and family think I'm delusional and paranoid. They can't imagine why ANYONE would care about my existence. They say, "Andrew, you're a dependent manchild, with no money, no friends. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU!" But we later discover they ARE after coming to get me because of the "Andrew Diagnosis."

To end the movie, I say to my co-workers at the soda factory in South America: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." 

FADE TO BLACK!

Riot

When people riot it's because they've been unheard for too long and no longer care about the consequences. Really grasp how powerful that is. I doubt Donald Trump has ever felt so strongly about something that he's willing to risk it all for positive change. He's had it easy.

help people

Sometimes EVERYBODY KNOWS. It's just too tough an issue to tackle. So they turn a blind eye, pretending not to see. Society isn't empathetic. Everyone's such a coward. Until the problem because too large to ignore. It never had to get to this point. Help people before a crisis happens.

WWE WrestleMania (Defeating My Friend)

Because I was severely bullied, I had no friends in my early 20's. I hated my life so much. I was full of ANGER and FRUSTRATION. I thought no one understood.

Unfortunately, the people who hurt me were long gone. But there was a friend who tried to help me through text.

Though, we shared some laughs.  

I'm like a professional wrestler who used a SADISTIC submission maneuver, which is called GUILT. Instead of defeating people through pinfall, I TRIED TO MAKE THEM TAP OUT with GUILT, by being cruel to them in my texts.

Since I couldn't defeat the bullies, I tried to defeat my friend. For some reason, this friend just listened and tried to help.

And one day, they stopped communicating. It devastated me. It was a real loss.

I'm like an underdog, fighting for the Heavyweight championship at WrestleMania (the WWE's Super Bowl). I have the biggest, badest, star in the middle of the ring, in my GUILT submission hold. I have the match won. They're about to tap. Maybe I need to release the hold, realize they're my friend, and move on. Let them be.

I became so obsessed with vengeance, that I began hurting people who cared for me.

Rather than self-serving myself, maybe I can help others. When I get my life together, I can give speeches at middle and high schools. Doing comedy with an anti-bullying message.

I must empower and help others.

Some Posts (06 01 2020)

Post 01:
I need help, society is HEARTLESS, I'm so frustrated, and I just don't care anymore. I want to SCREAM as loud as I can until I get change.

I think a purpose, a good job, girlfriend, good friends will cure a lot of my frustration and fill the hole in my life. But I've been damaged to the core, I don't think I can ever fully recover. I'm like a Yorkie puppy that's been abused its whole life. I'll be insecure and weak.

I'm absolutely defeated, spent, exhausted. I know this will end like a feel-good Hollywood movie, I'll feel like a Superhero initially. But it's unimaginable to you the hell I've experienced. Some people try to have empathy, but they can't grasp the hell I've experienced.

Post 02:
Sometimes I don't grasp what I'm making public. I want sensational success, but I want this to end happily. This only people I might want to take action against, is my former school district, but it's probably too late. Other than that, peace for all.

Post 03:
I've posted things that if God forbid I went viral, and all my posts went viral like a chain reaction, I'd feel so unbelievably guilty. I want peace and happiness for good people. I'm not looking to turn into an evil, crazy, power hungry villain. I want to be a sweet puppy dog.

Post 04:
Cell Waters is often a character, a social experiment. It's me completely exaggerated for sensational attention. There's truth to it, though.