Art - The Koloski's

 The Koloski's:

Help Me Please:

A Boy Forever:

Gum (Fill The Void):

https://photos.app.goo.gl/ukxmUZEotfDaJFaZ8

My Mom

When I talk to my mom and she's overbearing, smothering, high energy, having complete power, and control - I need to remind myself it's not sadistic sabotage because a rockstar is my biological father. That's just how she is and she loves me. It's like escaping her prison.

sensational social media posts

Thankfully, this story will have a happy ending - like a feel-good Hollywood movie. I can pretend I was only going after success with my sensational social media posts - and I did want success. But the truth is I didn't care about the ending - I just wanted change - win or lose.

Some Posts (08 30 2020)

Post 01:

My friends from the psychosocial clubhouse are my only friends. I don't even have my mom anymore. She's cold and empty. It's depressing, upsetting, and frustrating. Actually, a little angering too.

Post 02:

I walked to the back door in the dark to get food from my mom. I'm catastrophizing I stepped on a hypodermic needle and didn't realize it. It doesn't make sense. Who would be shooting up in our backyard? But I keep going outback. Checking again, and again, and again.

Post 03:

My mom used to be warm and comforting, now she's cold and empty. I have no idea what happened. But I'm so angry at her for it.

Thank God I'm finally meeting friends because it feels loveless. It started when my angry stepdad became disabled and was home all day long.

Post 04:

The solution to the problem is: stop depending on my mom to fill the void in my life because she's just not. Don't get angry. Turn the page, move onto the next chapter - the next chapter is happier. I shouldn't even look back with anger. Just let it go. Move on.

Post 05:

Better days are coming, let's hope I don't have HIV from January or invisible hypodermic needles. I don't. It doesn't make sense. But the contamination fears are tormenting, almost crippling. It's like an OCD broken record that I can't stop. Down deep I know it's absurd.

Post 06:

I'm so angry about September 2016 - August 2019. It was me, my mom, and stepdad home all day long. My stepdad was miserable and angry. My mom was cold and empty. I had no job, no friends - anxiety, and agoraphobia and was throwing temper tantrums online. I'm angry about it.

HIV - It's One Of My Biggest Fears

One of my biggest fears is contracting HIV. I had no friends growing up, and I imagine HIV would be the end to future girlfriends, friends. Basically, my life would be ruined.

I had an overwhelming HIV panic attack scare in January. There was debris on the floor at a lounge, maybe a screw or nail, it went through my shoe and into my foot. But it wasn't just the debris. I was panicking about HIV prior too. 

So I took anti-HIV meds (Isentress or Truvada) - OVERREACTION. Now I'm afraid they CAUSED it. My doctors say they don't cause HIV. It's a "Categorical No. They're anti-HIV." But I hear HIV (keyword), therefore it must CAUSE it (predicate logic).

It's an overwhelming, sick to my stomach, start trembling, panic attack. I'm having a nervous breakdown over HIV. It's tormenting. That's the reason I took it in the first place. 

I'm not doing anything high risk. I'm a clean, safe, and healthy guy.  I'll get re-tested, though.

Even worst-case scenario, if I contracted HIV, which I didn't - it's not a death sentence anymore. People are living long and relatively normal lives now.

I'm In Pain And I Express It Through ART

In my teenage years and twenties, I had no friends. I was bullied at school, have a dependency on my mom, have social anxiety, and agoraphobia. I'm alone and want to SCREAM OUT MY PAIN.

I think a lot of people express self-pain and self-hatred through art. Many masterpieces are intense cries for help, letting out loud SCREAMS OF HORROR. The art, drawings, videos, and social media posts are temporary distractions, they make me feel good, but it's certainly a cry for change. 

The root cause of the pain is a lack of socialization. I'm alone ALL DAY LONG, interact with no one in person. I'm so frustrated. Then I start daydreaming, become delusional. 

Since August 2019, I met some friends in New York City. Talking to friends is better than any video. It's grounded in the real world. Sadly, with COVID-19 my isolation and mental health has gotten worse, I need to be more self-loving and calm down. Take the first step. A comedy class, acting class, volunteering at the warm line, NAMI, something, anything. 

I wasted so much time, then I get angry and blame my mom. I'm not a baby, babies blame their mom for their hunger. At 33 years old, I'm responsible. Stop looking to mom for permission and approval. Do it myself!

Syd Barrett - Investigated

I think Syd Barrett being my biological father should be seriously investigated. At the very least, I could play him in the Pink Floyd movie. They're making all sorts of movies about classic rock bands.

I updated the I look like Syd Barrett gallery

 I updated the I look like Syd Barrett gallery.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/CVkTketH9oCDb56f7

my mom is an anti-hero

I remember my Elementary School years fondly, my parents were together, I had friends. As I was entering Middle School, that all changed. My parents were getting divorced, friends were plucked from my life, my new friends sadistically bullied me. Did cheating happen?

Is my mom like an anti-hero? To get vengeance on and spite my dad, did she deprive me of friendships and girlfriends? Did she sadistically torture me?

She was at the school fighting for me when I was getting bullied. Is this the loving mother mask, behind it she's SATAN?

My mother loves me. She got me the best doctors, provided me with a place to live, and fed me. Why would she want to hurt her own child?

I guess it's a tragic story, there's not one bane of my existence. The middle school kids were sadistic bullies, my father is a bully, my mom might be an anti-hero.

I'm 33 years old, have experienced a lot of hell - which my mom might have inflicted intentionally. But it's time to come back with a vengeance.

contamination fears - my father - BETRAYAL

I'm CONSTANTLY getting contamination fears, thinking somebody is poisoning me with HIV. Often, the BIGGEST BULLY and CONTAMINATOR is my father, Bob Koloski. I'm afraid he's pretending to be ON MY SIDE, but is duping me, and will ultimately betray me. While he's pretending to be my "buddy" - I fear he's secretly poisoning my cold cuts or sabotaging my toothbrush while he's in my bathroom. Basically, he tortured me in my childhood, and he'll even rob me of my future by giving me HIV. His betrayal hasn't happened yet, but it's coming.

SOMEBODY HELP ME!

I was tortured as a child by my father (Bob Koloski) and mother. They were trying to sabotage my life. They never imagined I'd amount to much - at least not anything positive. While I'm having a meltdown on social media, my parents are remaining radio silent, willfully blind, pretending to be oblivious, choosing their words carefully, likely documenting mine, preparing for an upcoming court battle. I'm ALL EMOTION, wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm screaming: SOMEBODY HELP ME! I'm not saying I'm always right, but I'm honest, frank. My parents on the other hand are phony and cowardly.

Should I stop calling and seeing my father? I call him every morning, he never calls me. I almost feel like I have to call. My mom says we need his money. But I'm afraid he's duping me for his upcoming court defense. His narrative will be I'm the mean, obsessed, and crazy son. Basically, I'm just a puppet that's being manipulated by my parents. Their loving parent act is merely a mask, behind the mask is THE DEVIL!

IMPORTANT AND SERIOUS: Do Isentress or Truvada cause HIV?

I stepped on a sharp object at a lounge on New Year's day, so I went to the Emergency Room, and they put me on HIV prevention medications for the month of January - Isentress and Truvada. I'm beginning to realize it was an overreaction by me, there is no reason to think I acquired HIV. Do these medications CAUSE HIV? By being a hypochondriac did I give me HIV? I'm told it's predicate logic. I hear HIV prevention medications, HIV is a keyword, therefore it must cause HIV. When I think about January I become sick to my stomach. I made a huge mistake. I just hope happy days are coming. It's like an overwhelming panic attack. My question: can either Isentress or Truvada CAUSE HIV? Please God tell me no! I hope I didn't ruin my life. I'm gonna get re-tested soon and I have knots in my stomach fearing the worst.

The Monster

 

Screaming Lady

She clearly suffers from the same CONDITION that BROKEN Matt Hardy, Papi, and The Wildman suffer from.

Horrible People Posts

Post 01:

They're horrible people in the world. I'm not one of them. I'm too sweet and kind to be here.

I like most people, but in public, I feel like people are trying to harm me. I'm not sure why I'm so susceptible to bullies. Maybe I give off good vibrations? Anxiety? Jealousy?

Post 02:

Doctors tell me to not be anxious and agoraphobic. Go out into the world, live life. But when it's like the entire world wants to hurt me, I feel safe and sound at home. Plus I have no social skills and only want to know certain people. I have no desire for fair-weather friends.

Post 03:

I want to be peaceful and happy. I'm kind to everyone. I want to scream: BULLIES LEAVE ME ALONE, STOP TRYING TO HARM ME! It's so upsetting because I wouldn't do that to them. I'm such a nice guy.

Post 04:

I'm told the world isn't full of bullies, it's just the kids in middle school who made me feel unsafe. But everywhere I go it's like I'm the target. Why do all the bullies focus on me?

Post 05:

In public, I give off scared of my own shadow vibes. I have TARGET written all over me. I need to get more confidence. Give off the impression: If you mess with me you'll regret it, not please leave me alone, bullies, because I'm trying to blend into a crowd.

HIV - contamination fear of the day

It's that time again for contamination fear of the day. It's almost comical if the thoughts weren't so tormenting.

At Starbucks, the Barista's hands were wet as she was making my Nitro Cold Brew coffee. Some of the water got into my beverage. It was gross.

Just moments ago, I was ripping open a cardboard Amazon delivery box and gave myself a paper cut.

Can I get HIV either of these ways? THERE I GO AGAIN! I must recognize it's the same broken record again, and again, and again. It's unpleasant but the likelihood of getting HIV like this is slim to none. I'm trying to fight it off and let it go. Interestingly enough, once I move on to a new contaminate I forget about yesterdays (the previous ones).

Duped by Bob

My father, Bob Koloski, is deceiving me. He tortured me in my childhood and is planning on betraying me. Like a sensational pro wrestling heel turn, or Mysterio duping the naive and gullible Spider-Man. He pretends to be a loving father, behind the mask he's a sadistic monster. 

I'm constantly afraid he's poisoning my food, putting hypodermic needles on my walking route to stick me. Basically, I was robbed of socialization in my teens and twenties. He's trying to take my whole life from me. I'll never have girlfriends and friends. 

Don't catastrophize! There I go again. Bob hasn't given me HIV.

Dwane "The Rock" Johnson

I bought a Dwane "The Rock" Johnson t-shirt from WWE Shop and I have some fun plans for it - think shaving cream. Lol.

HIV - Hot Dog Bun

I'm actually doing much better with the HIV OCD catastrophizing. I tell myself: there I go again. It's the same OCD panic attack again, and again, and again - just different scenarios. Catch it, check it, change it. HIV is a fragile virus. 

But today I succumbed to the OCD, I've got a question: 

I just came back from a long walk around the neighborhood. Let's say hypothetically speaking I stepped on something that contained HIV. My mom gave me my dinner as I was taking my shoes off. As I lifted the shoes, the bottoms came really close to my hot dog bun. Foolishly, I still ate it because I was hungry.

My question: say HIV was on the bottom of my shoe, say it touched the bun, then I ate it. Can I get HIV that way?

There I go again. It's gross but it's OCD.

My mother loves me, right?

When the camera is off, when we're not talking over the phone, my mom can be a b****. It's almost like she's aware people are listening. 

When I hear from my doctor my mom is not a sadistic monster who deprived me of my life, I often get predicate logic. I think my mom IS a sadistic monster. She's pretending to be a loving suburban housewife, but both she and my father tortured me throughout my life. My stepdad is another innocent pawn in their stick game. I need to remind myself they're not gaslighting and controlling my narrative in front of doctors. They're not preparing for a court battle where they claim I'm not lucid.

She sacrificed so much, working with a severely mentally ill son. MOMMY LOVES ME VERY MUCH. I'm just a cruel man-child that doesn't appreciate Mommy. Maybe someday I will.

I blame her for my pain and suffering, but the middle school bullies are to blame, so are my genetics. There's no conspiracy going on. She doesn't hate my biological father and sadistically hurt me for that reason.  

My mother loves me, right?

mommy loves me

I'm like a baby who is hungry for a SOCIAL LIFE. Babies want mommy to feed them. They get angry and blame their mom that they're not getting food, feel like mommy is starving them intentionally. The reality is at 33 years old, I have to feed myself socialization. Mommy loves me!  

THE DEVIL

My mother is wearing a suburban housewife mask, behind the mask she's a sadistic, evil MONSTER - THE DEVIL.

My Home

My Home:

Vince McMahon (Working For WWE):

Nature:

Don't Steal My Art:

My Art:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/ukxmUZEotfDaJFaZ8

Flask

I don't drink and when I did circa 2010, it was mostly wine coolers like Smirnoff ICE. I remember my dad making me wear a Jägermeister hat and took pictures of me drinking from an empty flask back in the day. He was duping my into looking reckless and foolish. I don't have photos.

HIV Posts (08 20 2020)

 Post 01:

Want to quell my OCD? My headphones touched the arm rest of the seat on the train, then I put them in my ear, they're still in my ear. Is that a reason to worry? I'm mostly concerned with HIV.

Post 02:

I have a sharp pain inside my right pointer finger, fingerprint area. I'm worried did something stick me, like a hypodermic needle? Do I now have HIV? I must remind myself, it's OCD, and an overwhelming panic attack that my life is changed forever, and I'll have no friends.

Post 03:

The more I think about why I have a pain in my fingerprint area on my right pointer finger, I was eating muscles at a French restaurant today. It's probably a result of opening them up with my hands. That's a harmless and happy reason why. I must not catastrophize the worst.

take it seriously

Dr. Natural says be concerned with how my mind works. For example, if you're right-handed and lose your right hand, that would be frightening. I should be scared I can't distinguish between fantasy and reality. I'll start taking it more seriously and work towards recovery.

Car

My tire has low air pressure AGAIN. The guy who is driving and working on my car is sleazy, sweaty, and wearing disgusting clothes. I'll be driving the car immediately after he worked on it. Can I get HIV from sweat and grime?

Pink Lollipop, Sabotage?, Short Bus, and Art

 Pink Lollipop:

Sabotage?

Short Bus:

Art:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/ukxmUZEotfDaJFaZ8

My "Delusions"

I'm told by friends I'm delusional and don't see clearly. But I think the following gives great insight into mental illness. This is my "delusions."

First off, I feel Bob Koloski isn't my biological father. Somebody important is. I suspect some rockstar.

My entire life was TORTURE. I was tortured by my mom, dad (Bob Koloski), members of my mom's family - like my grandfather (Joseph Reuter) - they used religion to scare me. I was also tortured by members of my father's side of the family. They were even using people outside the family to torture me, like bikers.

Around middle school my parents divorced, my mom re-married, now she's wearing a suburban housewife mask, behind the mask she's a sadistic monster. My brother doesn't know. My stepdad (Dale North) is just a pawn in their sick game. He's going to be blamed. The truth is he's a hard-working, innocent, loving man. 

The gaslight me, make me think I'm the crazy one. They control my narrative in front of doctors. I'm waking up, am full of anger, and rage. I have to play dumb, act oblivious, and submit fearing more meds added to my mega regimen. 

They've tortured me in other ways by starving me of socialization, girlfriends, made me a dependent manchild, don't allow me to save any money.

They'll try and say my trauma is school bullies. Yes, I was bullied, but my parents are EVIL MONSTERS. 

Lately, my mom has been pulling away. She tells me you're free now. I'm like an animal that's been in the cage for too long. They don't know how to function outside the cage. They often sit inside the cage waiting for mommy to do it for them.

My mom is robbing me of time, and the Sword of Damocles is hanging above my head. When she goes away it will fall. I have the illusion of security and comfort. But the illusion will shatter. I'm on the path to doom.

Or, am I delusional and need more work with Dr. Natural or Clozaril.

HIV poop

Want to roll your eyes at me? I'm walking around the neighborhood right now, and something flew, touched my arm, left a brown substance, and flew away. Most likely it was a bug. But I think maybe it was a drive-by HIV poop throwing.

Then I think it was a poisoning set up by my parents because I'm speaking the truth about childhood abuse. Basically, they're robbing me of girlfriends my whole life.

I need to realize it was a bug, no one's trying to hurt me. There I go again.

Mom

Mom:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/Ucr99TKEvG9KKaKj7

Dad

Dad:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/Dy3NDAGE7Qxw6XgF9

EMDR

When I write my delusional e-mails, I'm imagining my doctors are preparing for a court case where I put my parents in jail for torturing me. The reality is, they're not torturing me, they love me.

My friend thinks I should try EMDR. I have a lot of emotions that I need to let out - about the divorce, school bullying, my parents, other traumas, and loss.

Basically, I'm so full of pain and pent up emotion. I need to cry and feel emotion.

When I get delusional, it's OVERWHELMING FRUSTRATION AND EMOTION.

Also, empathize with my parents. When emotion overtakes me, I lose sight of the good. Rather than feel rage about the neglect, focus on their love.

Any good EMDR recommendations? Ideally, something close to Massapequa, New York.

TORTURED BY HORRIBLE CRIMINALS

UPDATE:

I'm told the following post is delusional but I'm going to leave it public because it gives great insight into mental illness. When I wrote it I 100% believed it. I was sick.

____

MY MOTHER IS A TWO-FACED SADISTIC MONSTER WHO TORTURED ME MY ENTIRE LIFE, CONTINUES TO TORTURE ME, AND GASLIGHTS ME - SHE MAKES ME THINK I'M THE CRAZY ONE.

She made me submit, internalize, gaslights me, we never talked about the torture - I have to play dumb - now I'm READY TO EXPLODE WITH RAGE. She's the monster and I look like the crazy one. 

She PRETENDS to be a loving and concerned mother. That's complete garbage. She's sadistic and evil.

I WANT TO SCREAM OUT MY HORROR. Because I'm not calm, I don't sound lucid.

My brother doesn't know, neither does my stepdad - they'll be used as tools to discredit what I say. 

They controlled my narrative (sabotaged my image in front of doctors). They've made me a dependent man-child, starved me of socialization, and independence. Basically, I was tortured by horrible criminals, they sabotaged my life, and there's nothing I can do about the abuse because I'm a damaged prisoner. 

SOMEBODY HELP!!!!!!!!! 

I'm not going crazy, I'm waking up.

But in a way, I'm lucky because my dad is much more sadistic and evil.

Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka

About Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka, he's a legend in the wrestling business. What a lot of people don't know, and what I didn't know when this picture was taken... sometimes everyone has their suspicions. But it's innocent until proven guilty in America.

 June 11, 2008.

Psychopharmacologist Waiting Room

Psychopharmacologist Waiting Room:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/kttuEePwG8yq5GRQ9

Wrestling T-Shirts

 Here is a compilation of myself in Wrestling T-Shirts:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/23wbWjLtBwzkeRoH8

Mother

Ever since COVID-19 began, most days, I've been socially isolated all day long. I don't interact with family, wasn't seeing friends until recently. Being alone in your head leads to daydreaming - blurring fantasy and reality (delusions). I joked I am a mentally ill loner like The Joker from Batman in a recent video - I'm not a sadistic bully, but there's truth to that statement. I'm taking walks around the neighborhood, the neighbors view me critically. We're the spooky / crazy family. 

Also, I'm starving. I'm going to try and eat more. It's not healthy and I want to live a long life. It's just that there's no food, I have little money. I depend on my mom and she's not feeding me much. All she feeds me is this meaty creamy slop over rice. I call it dog food. Or food that's worse than the food I ate in the psych hospital. I call it prison food.

I need to be INDEPENDENT and make my own meals. Not complain about the garbage slop my mom's feeding me.

I need to get a full-body dermatologist check because of years of outdoor exercise and overexposure to sunlight. There were periods where I wasn't wearing any sunscreen. I'm afraid of skin cancer. 

My mom said my grandma didn't wear sunscreen and she was fine. But I was outdoors, all day long, every single day, for years. I'm afraid I've done some damage... I think frequent dermatologist checks my entire life would be wise.

I was waiting for my mom to take action and make the appointment. After asking her a million times, she FINALLY did it. I should've called myself because I fear she's lying. She's setting me up to look foolish.

There was a time I had a major eating disorder. I was skeleton thin. Right now is bad, but back then I could have died. I regret my self hated self-destruction in my late teens and early twenties and I'm angry at my parent's neglect. I start to get frustrated by being neglectful, my mom got sadistic pleasure from my self-destruction. I feel like she was INFLICTING skin cancer. We're going to work on this next week in therapy. Technically, I was me punishing myself. But my mom was certainly willfully blind to my life-threatening situation. This is where a lot of my unresolved anger comes from. Why didn't she love me and do something?

Why did she want control over my whole life? Was it nefarious? Or she a control freak but loves me? I need to take-charge, dependency will ultimately result in doom.

I start to think maybe it was nefarious. I was her pet because Syd Barrett is my biological father. She was keeping me prisoner, not allowing me to grow up, make money, or socialize. She's two-faced, deceiving doctors and people in the real world, controlled my narrative to ruin my reputation. She was kind of like a dictator of a horrible country.

I start to think maybe some of the people I'm interacting with are members if the Barrett family undercover, who now know, and we're preparing to take my mom to court for torturing me. 

I'm told this is the "monster behind the innocent mask" thoughts. When I get overtaken with frustration and emotion, I lose sight of all the good things my mother does. She's not a two-faced sadistic monster. My mom loves me.

Wrestling Character (BROKEN Matt Hardy)

 If you're unfamiliar with professional wrestling, it's sports entertainment. Meaning, it's theatre/acting but there's a lot of athleticism involved.

Some wrestlers play gimmicks like The Undertaker (a zombie). However, most wrestlers play sensational characters based on their personalities. It's themselves with the volume turned up way up. 

There was a character who really inspired me - BROKEN Matt Hardy. The gimmick is: after having a nervous breakdown, he becomes a BROKEN man. He doesn't care anymore. Becomes a super genius, starts talking with a weird accent, has some magical powers for absurd reasons. Basically, the gimmick is he's the craziest person on planet earth. But he's a lovable kind of crazy, not sadistic and evil. He's like the jolly, fun-loving lunatic. The crowd loved him, they'd cheer and chant for him. But it's silly and cartoony. 

Often, I play an exaggerated crazy character - kind of like BROKEN Matt Hardy. My goal is to be so attention-grabbing, that I get a Hollywood movie or documentary made.

Tom Green is a show where he plays pranks on his mother. Meaning, he does things to make his mother mad, records it, then puts it on his show. Ultimately, he knows his mother loves him and won't do anything about it. He's just an innocent "bad" boy. That's what I do too. However, I think ULTIMATELY if we start making money, my mom will be happy about what I've done. 

I have a reality TV show idea, we'll be the crazy family - like The Osbournes or Hogan Knows Best. Right now, my mom can't see my vision, I'm like The Beach Boys - I Just Wasn't Made for These Times. In the end, she'll thank me because we'll be rich and famous.

However, I also said with my doctor, maybe it's not as wholesome and happy. I'm angry at my mom because I think she's a neglectful sadistic bully. I'm powerless. I want to shame her, punish her. and be spiteful. So I air our dirty laundry publicly. If that's true, I imagine my mom won't do anything, and this will end like a feel-good Hollywood movie.

Maybe I'm so frustrated with my life and want change so badly, that I'm SCREAMING and SHOUTING my SCREAMS OF HORROR. They say when you have so much money and answer to no one, you're powerful. You're also powerful when you hate your life so much and have nothing to lose. I'm willing to play the craziest of crazy wrestling character, risk it all, to make us rich and famous.

____

Wrestling Character (BROKEN Matt Hardy):
https://photos.app.goo.gl/mFUsGr44DW94EHr18

"Hot As Hell" - Mom

My mom said, "it's hot as hell outside today." Which I disagree with. In comparison with the past few days, it's cloudy and not as warm. Then she said it again, "it's hot as HELL!" And put great emphasis on the word "HELL." This triggered me because I thought it had a double meaning.

Basically, I began to fear I was tortured by my Grandfather (Joseph Reuter) and members of her family as a child, and they used religion to scare me.

I need to realize, this is predicate logic. "Hot as hell" is only talking about the weather. My mother loves me, she isn't a sadistic bully.

Mom:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/Ucr99TKEvG9KKaKj7

HIV - "the Sword of Damocles"

Throughout my life, I haven't had much socialization or fun. I imagine HIV would be the end of any chance of fun. Nobody would want to date me, I'd have no friends. Basically, I'd be alone forever.

I've expressed countless times fearing a sadistic bully is poisoning me, like a waiter sabotaging my food at a restaurant, for example. But it can even be accidentally. 

Yesterday, I went to Montauk with a friend from the psychosocial clubhouse. It was a wonderful day. The most fun I've had on the beach, possibly ever. It was like a mini-vacation.

But I kept catastrophizing "did I get HIV?" 

I stepped on a sharp stick-like object on the beach. Down deep I know it wasn't a hypodermic needle, it was probably a sharp stick or shell in the sand. I had a hard time letting it go.

Then at the lobster restaurant by the water, I was eating lobster with my hands. Yes, I sanitized my hands but touched the bathroom door.

During another trip to the bathroom, I leaned against the sink and my shorts got wet.

Today, there are sharp splinter objects in my shoes that keep sticking into my foot. They're small so I can find them, not a hypodermic needle. But it's the same shoes I wore yesterday in Montauk and on the train. 

I dropped my coffee straw on the ground at a gas station, I picked it up, got a new one, but TOUCHED THE GROUND.

I got a bird fecal matter-like substance on my hands and shoe. Actually, I'm not sure what it was. I fear the worst-case scenario. The not knowing is driving me crazy.

It's the same intrusive thoughts, delusional, panic attack again, and again, and again. It's hypochondria. Let it go. I can't live my life in fear.

Basically, I want to know I'll still have my friends even if I somehow get HIV.

My life is finally getting good, and I imagine "the Sword of Damocles" will fall. 

Post 02:

My unnecessary HIV catastrophizing about harmless situations is like the Johnny Cash song: "If I Were a Carpenter." He wants to know will his love still love him if he worked as a carpenter. I want to know will my friends still love me even if I get HIV.

Some Posts (08 10 2020)

 Post 01:

Anybody else having problems with their internet connection? It's been horrible for days, snail-like slow. It's near impossible to upload a video. My stepdad says it's due to the tropical storm but I think there's something seriously wrong and it's not getting fixed. Frustrating!

Post 02:

My stepdad isn't a sadistic bully, he loves me. Heck, he lets my dad over the house. With that said, he's miserable and rarely happy. He always has to be right. I'm treated like a child. It was hell living with him. I'm often right but my correct point of view is never validated.

Post 03:

Fantasy and reality get out of control with me:

For example, I fantasize friends are secretly sadistic monsters. Not true!

Then, I have grandiose happy rockstar fantasies that they're very good.

The reality is a gray area. I must try not to daydream because I become delusional.

Post 04:

My mom was talking to me about Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump. People who use their power to bully women.

I was trying to assert to her if I was powerful, I'd be like Austin Powers (comedy). The happy, wholesome, lovable ladies man. 

Our conversation was absurd.

Post 05:

My mom was saying I'm delusional about my worth, and if I do get famous, I'm going to be like Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell. I didn't but wanted to scream: "You're wrong! I'm so much greater than them. I'm the greatest artist ever. Stop holding me under your wing and let me fly!"

Post 06:

I look like a movie star. I'm more handsome than Tom Cruise in his prime.  Yes, I haven't taken acting classes but I'm natural. I'm charming and funny. Maybe I can be like Jerry Seinfeld or Sacha Baron Cohen, surround myself with actors, but play myself or eccentric characters.

Post 07:

I'm so angry how my life turned out that I want to prove to my parents, "I'M A GENIUS, NOT WORTHLESS!"

Stop focusing on proving them wrong and take baby steps to make myself a movie star. It's horrible I'm financially dependent on them, though. I should be rich and famous!

Post 08:

I think the dependency on my parents is the main problem and delusions of grandeur. I think I shouldn't have to work an ordinary job because I should be a rich and famous movie star, and I won't settle for anything less, and I'm angry mommy isn't making my dreams come true.

Post 09:

I have a suspicion I'm going to be apart of a "band" bigger than "The Beatles." I should just focus on mental health recovery at the moment. I'm having wholesome fun with the first real friends of my life. Unfortunately, financial dependence on my mom is like Damocles Sword.

Post 10:

I'm socially anxious, agoraphobic, and feel insecure in the real world. I blame my mom but I'm told my chains are internal, not maternal. With that said, I wish I didn't turn into sensational screams of horror on social media because my life has been pretty bad up until NOW!

Post 11:

I don't need to be a "rockstar" on the level of "The Beatles." Yes, I'd love to be Ryan Reynolds and play a fun character like Deadpool. Ultimately, I just want to be happy because I've been unhappy for so long.

Post 12:

I've wasted so much time. Some might say, I made myself the most epic "rock star/movie star" ever and created masterpiece level art, but I was very unhappy while creating it, so it is wasted time. Maybe I suffered now, and will be rewarded for the hard suffering work later?

Post 13:

Throughout my life, so many people underestimated me and didn't think I'd amount to very much. They thought I'd be a loser my whole life. I'm not looking to arrogantly laugh in their face, showing them how wrong they were. I'm just looking to be happy.

Post 14:

The moral of the story is don't bully people. But a kind person no matter who you are. Treat everyone with respect and kindness.

With that said, they're people at the train station, for example, that'd I never want to know in my life and hate when they touch me asking for money.

Post 15:

I'm a germaphobe and hate when people touch me - shake my hand, hug me, put their hand on my shoulder. Sometimes we have to. Lately, I've been using COVID-19 as an excuse for no physical contact. See folks, COVID-19 isn't all that bad, you can stop people from shaking your hand.

Love (08 07 2020)

 

Love

 The reason I throw temper tantrums on social media is that I'm SCREAMING: Somebody, please love me!

I met some real friends last year and it feels nice. But I've been starved of love for way too long.

I'm angry at the people who didn't show me love, but let the anger go.

Bunny (08 07 2020)

 

Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved

Say what you will about Maroon 5, but I love their song "She Will Be Loved." The lyrics could use a little work, but it's jam-packed full of emotion and you FEEL IT. It's better than pretentious nonsense. 

Don't we all want to be loved (after all)?

IMPORTANT: Rabies?

Today, while I was taking a walk around the neighborhood...

I was in a tight space with a trash can. There was very little room between us. When all of a sudden a squirrel emerged from the trash can. At first, it went running towards me, then it changed its mind and ran in the other direction.

The squirrel didn't bite or scratch me. With that being said, the squirrel was very close to me. Some debris from the trash can might have flung onto me.

Most likely the squirrel wasn't rabid. But I'm afraid could it's saliva from food got into an open cut on my leg? That's assuming there's even an open cut on my leg.

Do I have to worry about rabies? Please tell me if I should go to the emergency room, or let it go.

I'm like the boy who cried wolf. So nobody's taking me seriously. But this might be the actual wolf. Or maybe it's not.

Syd Barrett

I updated the "I look like Syd Barrett" gallery. My psychopharmacologist said there's a "definite resemblance." I'm not imagining it. Maybe I could play him in the Pink Floyd movie since they're making so many movies about classic rock bands nowadays.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/CVkTketH9oCDb56f7

they're torturing me

My parents are two-faced sadistic monsters. In front of doctors, they pretend to be loving parents who are concerned about me. In reality, they're torturing me.

Throughout my childhood, my parents tortured me. Robbed me of socialization. I had no friends growing up. The other kids bullied me. This was intentionally inflicted.

When I graduated high school in 2005, they made me a dependent man-child. Made me unsure of myself unless a parent is around. Didn't let me have money. Again, intentional.

From 2005 - 2011, I was alone in my head, exercising all day long, with no socialization or love. As a result, I developed a severe mental illness where I blur fantasy and reality.

In 2011, when I had a mental breakdown from the torture. My narrative was controlled. They were gaslighting me. Ruining my credibility. Trying to wash away their sadistic, monstrous crime.

My step-dad and brother aren't aware. In fact, they'll be tools used to discredit the truth.

They've sabotaged my whole life, now they're abandoning me, leaving me to metaphorically die in my apartment-like area. They'll say I'm not lucid, don't have my wit's about me - that's BULLSHIT!

I can speculate the reason. But let's not imagine the reason, just the facts.

They're not loving me

My mom used to be friendly but everyone has become so miserable. It's HELL ON EARTH AND I CAN't TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'm blamed, yelled at, treated like a dependent loser. The problem is, besides my friend from the psychosocial clubhouse, I'm not receiving any love. This went on years before meeting her. I'm tired of not being appreciated.

I think if I was dying, literally dying, they'd act like a request for help was inconveniencing them.

I'm full of ANGER and RAGE at my parents for not loving me.

I can't verbalize myself to them because they view me as a child and don't validate my point of view.

Rage Posts (08 03 2020)

I'm so full of RAGE that my life turned out this way and I'm ready to EXPLODE. I blame my parents because they're here. I'm truly at my wit's end. I can't take any more pain. I've really got nothing to lose. With that being said, be positive and don't do something I'll regret.

My psychopharmacologist once called the home environment a powder keg. Right now everything is fine. But when a dog metaphorically submits again, and again. Eventually, the dog doesn't want to submit anymore.

Don't focus on my anger at my parents, meet friends, and become happy.

My parents triggered me again tonight... What else is new? My friend helped me come out of the tsunami, which proves socialization is the key to recovery. Turn my RAGE into motivation to succeed, not into a self-destructive moment. My future is bright!

Threw A Bubble Tea At My Dads Car

I had a bad morning with my dad. I asked if we could meet at the mall to walk around, browse Hot Topic, get a bubble tea, have fun. He said: yes. We met at the mall because it's half-way between our houses.

I was in a good mood. But my dad clearly didn't want to be there. He was being a sadistic bully the ENTIRE TIME. He was making fun of me, superhero movies, mocking that I like to shop at Hot Topic. I was being passive. internalizing it, felt like I was walking on eggshells.

Then when I became angry he was treating me like a defective crazy freak. He was asking, why do you keep looking at me? Gaslighting me, making me think I'm the crazy one. HE WAS BEING THE JERK!

He bought a large bubble tea for me but was complaining about the price. He joked how we never buy anything from the mall. Which annoyed me because he's spent minimal money on me my whole life.

Despite not buying anything, we made crazy videos outside Hot Topic that I was going to post on YouTube, where I was screaming like a pro wrestler how I'm not a buffoon because I shop there (I deleted the videos because they were "too crazy").

He was pretending he was Heath Ledger's The Joker from Batman: The Dark Knight (2008) by constantly using hand sanitizer stations. Basically, someone who behaves like a crazy man and everyone is too afraid to assert themselves to them.

We were only there for about 20 minutes. I'm usually happy Andrew. But as we were leaving, I asked him why was he being nasty the whole time. He was acting like I'm crazy.

We had both of our cars there. We were parked next to each other. So I took my full bubble tea, took the lid off, then flung the liquid against his windshield. got in my car, then drove away. 

I'm starting to get real anger issues, and if someone keeps needling me - I EXPLODE and don't use logic when I do. In years past, I never asserted myself or aggressively reacted. With that being said, I'm usually Be Good Andrew - the golden good boy. Lately, I'm at my wits' end.

This explosion wasn't for no reason, my dad was being a sadistic monster, but since I exploded, I look like the crazy one. Everything he did to provoke it is negated. Doctors will say "increase Lithium" but avoiding my dad is more powerful than any medication.

My mom was trying to say I was imagining it. Implying I'm insane - it's all my fault. This isn't true. There was a reason I behaved this way.

With that being said, it was inappropriate. I should apologize. I tried calling him a few times but he didn't answer.