tortured by my mother

Growing up, my mother got sadistic pleasure from torturing me. Depriving me of my life, making me a dependent man-child. She was intentionally messing me up. She'd scold me, tell me I'm a worthless loser. I'm not a loser, I'm a genius. I am dependent on her financially. She was controlling my narrative. Ruining my image. She's making me pour my life down the drain, my teens, twenties, the beginning of my thirties. 

Now she's leaving me alone in my apartment to metaphorically die. I have no social skills, wear the scarlet letter, feel defective, damaged. I'm like an animal who was kept in a cage his whole life, tortured, now my mother says: "you're free." I don't know how to function. And she's re-writing history in the process.

Just because I have a sensational social media posts and she behaves calmly on video - doesn't make the torture untrue.

Right now, she is pretending to be on my side, but she'll betray me soon.

This is not genetic, it's sadistic torture from a MONSTER!

Art Proposal

With some friends, we're creating an art proposal. Our goal is to get our artwork presented at art galleries with the goal to make money.

Below is a draft from the proposal (my section). Please let me know what you think.

Biography:

Andrew Koloski (b. 1987) grew up in the suburbs of Long Island, New York. Koloski was interested in performance from a young age; he’d entertain the other children with songs and skits. He endured bullying at school which led to severe mental illness and social isolation. After experiencing a few setbacks, Andrew graduated from Stony Brook University in 2014 with a Bachelor of Science in Business Management, Specialization in Marketing, with a Minor in Media Arts. For a media class, Andrew acted in the Shakespeare play, Macbeth, as The Porter.

After college, Koloski’s passion for performance resumed. He is self-taught and has years of experience through YouTube videos and social media posts. Although many of his videos are serious discussions about mental health, he often plays the sensational and comical "Cell Waters" character. Cell Waters is like a professional wrestling or comic book character, which is based on Andrew's personality with the volume turned WAY UP.

Aside from videos, Andrew also draws. He began coloring while on the psychiatric ward and in recovery groups. Although they're not technically skilled drawings, art teachers have described these drawings as attention-grabbing and honest.

Koloski is at the forefront of new media, using the internet for self-promotion.

Artist Statement:

I am a performance artist, actor, and comedian who utilizes the internet for self-expression. I've created hundreds of YouTube videos - some are related to mental health while others are sensational performances, but I don't stick to one genre. Videos are therapeutic for me - I feel validated, heard, and get pleasure from creating them. Aside from YouTube videos, I like to write and model in photographs, but my second biggest artistic achievement is my drawings, which are usually done with markers, crayons, or oil pastels. They're child-like and some have called them psychological.

___

The best-of:

Drawings:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/viQi6JQ7epsez8teA

Videos:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJrVxN_kBmDxJ1OB31tChfX2CWS3aIYoJ

President

Unfortunately, there's a stigma about mental illness, but I'd make a better president than Donald Trump or Joe Biden. I SHOULD be the United States president someday - I'm that smart. Sadly, it'll never happen.

Debate

About the presidential debate. Both choices are horrible and they're in their 70's. No matter who wins, they'll be the oldest president of all time. I wish it was somebody younger. My parents are in their 60's and they're out of touch, imagine someone in their 70's. It's scary!

Nail

Today, when I was walking around the neighborhood, I walked past construction, people working on a roof. I stepped on something. At first, I thought it was a pebble. Then I looked closer, it was a NAIL. It didn't go through my shoe or anything like that - but I'm catastrophizing.

Car

I drove to the mall to change my routine. I struck no one with my car. If I did I'D KNOW. I didn't. But I'm OCD catastrophizing I did but didn't realize and I can't get it out of my head.

When I walk, it's hypodermic needles. When I drive, it's this. I should just stay home. LOL.

Anime Filter

I used the anime filter on Snapchat. I look like Light from Death Note. "I'll take a potato chip and eat it!"

SERIOUS QUESTION: HIV (Cracked Phone)

I dropped my phone where a lot of people walk at the beach, it cracked, when I picked it up I gave myself a splinter from the glass, it was a small cut but I started to bleed. Do I have to worry about HIV or anything like that? It's unpleasant but I shouldn't catastrophize.

Starbucks Barista

There's a Starbucks barista who's usually cleaning when she serves me my drink. Today she practically rubbed the cleaning cloth in my nitro cold brew, the other day she made it after cleaning the floor and not washing her hands. It's gross. I fear she's doing it intentionally. Maybe she doesn't like me for some reason? I don't know her name. I just want a clean beverage, with no contamination of germs.

help me

Everybody knows I'm being tortured, but nobody cares or does anything. I guess what can you do when someone is being manipulated, stifled, and gaslighten. It's easier to turn a blind eye. But my entire life has been hell, even greater doom is coming. SOMEBODY HELP ME. PLEASE!!!!

power and control

I'm going INSANE from not having power and control, my mother has it all. I'm hoping somebody will wave their magic wand, make me rich and famous from my social media posts. They're kind of a desperate S.O.S. seeking freedom. I have to stop depending on mommy and do it myself.

Losing my doctor

I might lose my A+ doctor over money issues. Can I "afford" to? My mother realizes Dr. Natural is figuring out the truth, so she wants me to see some unqualified loser instead. There needs to be an investigation. Something nefarious is going on. My mom is holding me prisoner.

Might lose my doctor, he's the best in the business, and my mother

I see the best doctor in the business for CBT psychotherapy for psychosis. Any future doctor I see would be a step-down. Well, there are some insurance and money problems - so I might lose my doctor. This was stressing both my mother and I. Today, my mom was very high strung. She was on the phone all day with insurance companies. Her getting hyper, got me stressed and angry. I got "butterflies in my stomach", wanted to create temper tantrum rage-filled internet fantasyland art to protest capitalism, and my mother having power and control. I think sensational art is my ticket to superstardom and freedom. OR I go for walks to escape her high energy. 

Basically, I'm so stressed out from my high strung mother that I don't know what to do. So I get really crazy. I wish I had money, a house of my own, a wife, independence. Unfortunately, I'm doomed at the moment. And my mother makes me retreat within myself. But I'm told blaming my mother is like pouring my life down the drain. I need to take responsibility for making myself a success. What will blaming my mother get me? It won't get me money, it won't get me a house.

Get motivated and be realistic. Right now, I'm motivated with my internet art. That's what I want to put my energy into. But expecting to become a "rockstar" is a pipe dream. I'm not motivated to do peer specialist work with my psychosocial clubhouse. I'm not motivated to be a barista, waiter, or stock clerk. I want to pursue acting, comedy, photography, videography. But I feel like I need my mother's permission, approval, and money to start. Stop being a dependent man-child. Stop blaming my mother. My chains are internal, not maternal. I can't change my mother and claiming she's holding me prisoner won't lead to success. I must focus on making myself a success, not to cry about my mom ruining my life.

Construction workers (persecutor)

Construction workers were in my apartment yesterday. I wasn't home with them. Obviously, I'm concerned about HIV. The toilet bowl felt contaminated. I just shaved tonight. Now I'm obsessing. Let's say hypothetically speaking they were nefarious and the construction workers cut themselves with my razor, so when I shaved I'd acquire his HIV. How long does HIV live in blood? There I go again. Catch it, check it, change it. There's the persecutor card. Most likely the construction workers aren't sadistic psychopaths that want to harm me. It's possible but unlikely. I just have to trust them. But quell my OCD. How long would HIV live in blood on a razor? It's been over 24 hours. Should've changed the blade. Too late now.

UPDATE:

I can't stop obsessing the construction workers sabotaged my razor while they were in here, and there was blood on blood contact when I shaved. Now I have HIV.  

Small Works

 Carrot Man:

Wife And Home:

All Alone:

Dependency

I'm pouring my life down the drain. Blaming my mother is wasted time. She's not holding me as a prisoner, keeping me a dependent man-child. I'm doing it.

Break free from the shackles of dependency, stop with the "my mom's evil" e-mails, and focus on making myself a success.

I'm Pouring My Life Down The Drain

 

High Prolactin (I Want To Reduce Invega)

The reason I was put on 2 mg of Cabergoline weekly is Invega (a psychiatric medication for psychosis) significantly elevates my prolactin. Cabergoline lowers prolactin. I just had a recent blood test, my prolactin is high despite being on a high dose of cabergoline. Actually, I'm on an overdose which I got a letter of medical necessity for. 1 mg is supposed to be the max dose. I'm on 2 mg weekly.

Aside from sexual dysfunction (which it's no secret I experience) - what are the other long term effects of high prolactin? It's been high for years. Can high prolactin for this long cause cancer? Or anything negative?

Same for Cabergoline. Can being on an overdose of Cabergoline for this long cause cancer? Or anything bad? The pharmacy is giving me an issue with cabergoline lately. They're complaining about my dosage, saying they can't get the medication. 

I think the reduction of Invega is the only solution. Right? I want to reduce the Invega from 9 mg to 6 mg, with the goal of coming off of it entirely? I want to do it ASAP, but my psychopharmacologist may want to wait until the next appointment.

Frustrating! 

OCD (I Can't Leave The House)

I'm not sure why, but my OCD has become so INTENSE. I can't even leave the house and walk down the block without checking behind me for hypodermic needles again, and again, and again.

I just crossed a busy road. As I dashed across something bounced up and touched my calf. It's probably a rock. Due to traffic, I couldn't turn around to look. Now I want to go back and check. Let it go. It's not HIV. 

I'm a safe driver, but I don't want to drive because I'm afraid I'll accidentally hit someone. I keep checking thinking I might've done it without realizing it. I haven't and I won't - but the intrusive thought is crippling.

I'm washing my hands again, and again, and again.

I'm not sure why the OCD has become this bad. But it's torture. 

Mr. Cool - Painting

 Mr. Cool - Painting

Mom - I Want To Be Heard

I’ve been alone all week long, interacting in-person with NO ONE. I’m desperate for socialization. When I sat outside with my mother, she didn't hear me or listen to me. She just talked about herself the whole time. Although I don’t say anything to her about this, it fills me with anger. Eventually, I become delusional. Then when she starts yelling at me for getting delusional, that’s when I want to smash the wall or key her car. Thankfully, nothing happened tonight. But it’s a receipt for disaster. I'm looking for friendship and to be heard.

My Mother

In-person, I've been interacting with no one. All week long, it's been me ALONE. So I interacted with my mother outback today. She triggered me and I became "delusional."

She says things like "anyway" which is what a fair-weathered childhood friend said when he was bullying me. Or she'll grab her middle finger, or do a pointing motion at me. Does she say and do these things intentionally to torture me? I start to think she abused me, gets pleasure from my suffering - then the tsunami overtakes me. 

Or, am I just frustrated and sick?

I feel like she listens to and is interested in other people's lives. But she just talks to me about herself without listening. I feel like I submit, have passive body language. Then I get angry.

I start to give her angry stares. Then it becomes my fault. She yells, and yells, and yells at me. Then I want to punch another hole in the wall or key her car.

Although I didn't explode tonight, I could've easily. Now she's talking about putting me in a group home if I don't calm down.

Focus on all the good. She loves me. Provides me with a beautiful place to live. Feeds me.

Socializing and getting happy with my life is the key to recovery. I'm not happy. I have to save myself. Then I'll be happier.

HIV Madness

I went to Quest Lab to do bloodwork because I'm catastrophizing about HIV - which is ridiculous, to begin with.

She drew blood from my arm. Then when I got home, I took off my shoes, touched the bottoms, washed my hands, dried them on a towel. The towel was wet now.

So I took a shower. After the shower, I tried cleaning the open cut. I wiped it from the wet towel spot. How ironic would it be if I put HIV into the cut, trying to protect myself from HIV? 

I know this is madness.

OCD?

Before I begin, I want to make it crystal clear I didn’t hit anyone with my car. It’s just an OCD, broken record, absurd intrusive thought that didn't happen.

I’m a safe driver. However, often while driving, I’ll start to panic I hit someone without realizing it. Sometimes I drive around the block to check, or if I can’t do that, it drives me wild. My friends and family said if I hit someone I’d know. It would be LOUD, my car would swerve. I hit no one. I’m afraid of jail. I couldn’t relax last night because of this.

Just to reiterate, no crime happened, it’s madness.

It’s very similar to the HIV hypodermic needle obsessing. There’s never a hypodermic needle, but I often go back, retrace my steps. Lately, a walk that SHOULD take me an hour, takes me much longer because I keep turning around, checking, then proceeding.

I saw a nail today. As far as I know, it didn’t go into my shoe or me. Now I’m afraid I contracted HIV from it.

I constantly need to wash my hands before I eat, or put my hands to my mouth. Washing, and washing my hands. My hands are becoming red and irritated.

Is this OCD? Dr. Natural calls this Contamination Fears. It seems to have gotten worse since reducing the lithium. I panic about things that are just not real.

Syd Barrett, My Dad, Nefarious Conspiracy

My father FINALLY asked me about my blog posts after I posted Syd Barrett might be my biological father. I bet he's known about it a lot longer, these posts probably ruffled his feathers. Maybe there's truth to it?

He accused me of being a bully. I'm not a malicious person. I don't get pleasure from hurting people. I look identical to Syd Barrett and wondered if he could be my REAL biological father and there's a nefarious conspiracy going on. That's my imagination running wild and blurring fantasy and reality - daydreams/delusions.

Rather than talk it out with me, he starts yelling at me over the phone. That's when the delusions get worse. Now I can't sleep. I start to wonder: Does my father love me and it's hurtful to him? Or is he a two-faced sadistic monster, who is putting on a phony front of a weak father for an upcoming court case, where he'll claim I'm the crazy son?

If I'm delusional, I'm going to leave the posts public. Why?

It's actually fascinating how my mind works, it could be developed into an autobiographical screenplay. Daydreaming and the line getting blurred. Sometimes, like now, I feel my dad' is my biological father. But when the tsunami overtakes me, I think there's a nefarious conspiracy going on that requires an investigation. It feels real. It's how my mind works.

Is Syd Barrett my biological father? I look just like him.

I'm so angry with my mother.  I was a dependent manchild, enmeshed with her, and was deprived of fun all throughout my life. I had no friends or money. It may have been intentionally inflicted. Was she wearing a loving mother mask, behind it, she's the DEVIL? 

When I was in college, my dad got me into Pink Floyd and would say "tear down the wall" because I was severely bullied in school and had a control-freak mother (she says this herself). I separated myself from the rest of society. But it was more like being kept a prisoner. 

Now my mom says you're free. But when an animal is kept in a cage it's whole life, it often just sits in the cage, not knowing how to function in the outside world.

I'm beginning to suspect Syd Barrett is my biological father and a nefarious conspiracy is going on. Even if Syd Barrett isn't my biological father, I look just like him. I could play him in the Pink Floyd movie. 

https://photos.app.goo.gl/CVkTketH9oCDb56f7

The Wall:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/QzUyzMXjZw6QGWJf9

Some Posts (09 03 2020)

Post 01:

Over the phone, my mom said you have to set people up and control your own narrative. This triggered me. I had predicate logic it had a double meaning, she's really talking about me - she's setting me up to look like the crazy one because there's going to be a future court case.

Post 02:

I'm dependent on my mother. She says she doesn't want me to be and I force her to treat me like a child. I think I wasn't taught how to function independently, and I'm used to things being controlled for me. This is the source of much of my frustration. I can do it!

Post 03:

On my walk, I kicked something that had a metallic sound. I retraced my steps and didn't see anything. I'm catastrophizing: was it a hypodermic needle? Do I now have HIV? It's crippling OCD. I'll obsess about this until the next contaminant. It's a broken record.

Post 04:

For those who think I can't function independently:

Yesterday, I sent away my Rode VideoMic Pro for repair.

Today, I went over to the bank and cashed a check.

I applied and got an art scholarship from the psychosocial clubhouse.

I need to stop depending on mom to do it for me.

Post 05:

My suspicion is my mom making me a dependent manchild intentionally for nefarious reasons. She has her loving mother suburban housewife narrative/mask, behind the mask she's a sadistic monster.

I Punched A Hole In Wall

I'm going crazy from COVID-19 isolation, my mom was yelling at me over money - I became frustrated and punched a hole in the wall. Then I called her up to let her know, she was yelling even more, and I punched an even bigger hole in the wall. Needless to say, NOT GOOD!

https://photos.app.goo.gl/SpaSS7m3hAfjU3Lj8

Punched A Hole In Wall

 I just punched a hole in my wall out of frustration. My mom's gonna kill me.

UPDATE:

I punched an even bigger hole in my wall. When my mom sees it, she's not going to be happy.