Overalls.
January 31, 2022.
Monday, January 31, 2022
Friday, January 28, 2022
Some Posts (01/26/2022 - 01/28/2022)
January 26, 2022:
Post 01:
I accidentally cut my face pretty badly while shaving. It took a while for the blood to clot. I needed to use many paper towels. The wound seems to be fine now, but I'm afraid of contamination. There is nothing to worry about, right?
January 27, 2022:
Post 01:
A cute woman got on the treadmill next to me today. I think she wanted to talk. If I see her again maybe I'll say hello.
Sometimes you need to just say "hi." Don't worry so much about rejection.
Think of the positive, if she's interested it could be a new potential friend.
Post 02:
The cute woman at the gym was wearing the Adidas Superstar sneakers. That's an ice breaker right there. I could say: "cool shoes. I've owned many pairs throughout the years."
Post 03:
I'm like a kid in the freshman year of college when it comes to my social skills with women interests. At 34-years-old, I should have much more confidence and less anxiety. It's actually quite pathetic. But don't be so hard on myself. Just be friendly, socialize, and talk to her.
Post 04:
I've always looked pretty good. Women find me attractive. I've got great personality too. It's about taking off the zombie mask of anxiety and having confidence. Be me, be real, and I should be able to find an amazing girlfriend. Stop hiding. SHOW THE WORLD THE ROCKSTAR I AM!
Post 05:
I don't think people realize how overexposed to the sun I was. I was outdoors, exercising, all day long, for years, often not wearing sunscreen. I just had a dermatology check - it was ok. Now I have this burning irritation in my hair. I'm afraid it's skin cancer. Try to relax.
Post 06:
I'm afraid I don't have much time left. I'm dying of cancer, or something like that, I just haven't discovered it yet. My self-destructive, unhealthy lifestyle is going to catch up to me just when I become happy. I'll finally succeed, meet my love. Then I'll immediately be dead.
Post 07:
I hope I'm being a hypochondriac. There's no evidence that I'm dying. But I was really running my body into the ground. Extremely reckless. Doing highly carcinogenic things. It went on for YEARS! I want to live to 99-years-old, but I think I'm going to be dead pretty soon.
Post 08:
Because of my high risk past, I'm very likely to develop all kinds of cancer. I guess make doctor's appointments, keep getting checkups, catch life-threatening illness before it overtakes and kills me. I regret my years of recklessness. I wish I lived a happy and healthy life.
January 28, 2022:
Post 01:
I was without question trying to kill myself with self-destructive overexercise. Through afraid, I wanted to drop dead.
I'll fully recover. Become happy. Finally have a life worth living. I bet when I'm happy, the torture I put my body through will catch up and kill me (cancer).
Post 02:
Live life right now and don't waste any more time. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I'm miserable and unhappy living the same solitary day over, and over again. So stop doing it. Time could be running out for me. I want to enjoy some of my life before I'm dead. I deserve happiness.
Post 03:
I need to remind myself nobody is playing a prank on me. Nobody cares I exist. I'm solitary and wasting my life.
Assuming a prank: the jokes won't be nearly as funny if this ends in horrifying tragedy for me. What was once comical might become surreal and extremely depressing.
Post 04:
I was metaphorically drowning in the ocean. I needed help, an intervention, somebody to save me. Nobody ever came to rescue me. I'm afraid it's too late. The damage is done. I have "drowned." Though I hope it's not too late, I can make a full recovery, and live a happy life.
Post 05:
I just want to be truly loved before I'm dead. I'm crying out for somebody to hear my cries, empathize with me, be my friend. I don't want to be alone. I want my fairytale soulmate girlfriend to give me a hug, make me feel loved. Then all the suffering is going to melt away.
Wednesday, January 26, 2022
Artwork (01 26 2022)
Super Empath Supernova (01 26 2022):
Being Dependent (01 26 2022):
Vengeance (01 26 2022):
They're Anti-Social, Help (01 26 2022):
Gym, Say Hi Don't Be Shy! (My Moms Coloring) (01 26 2022)
Gym, Say Hi Don't Be Shy! (My Moms Coloring) (01 26 2022):
Some Posts (01/22/2022 - 01/26/2022)
January 22, 2022:
Post 01:
I had gigantic acne on my forehead that I popped with my dirty nails while in the shower after the gym. It started to bleed quite a bit. It's still oozing. I touched lots of stuff in my apartment then touched the wound. Is this a contamination risk? Let it go. Right? I'm fine.
Post 02:
I just shaved and I significantly touched the open, oozing, acne wound with hands that touched my cell phone, computer, everything in my apartment. I'm trying to tell myself nothing contaminating was on my hands. It's the same broken record every day. I'm ok. Let it go and relax.
Post 03:
I'm strongly considering coming off ALL of my psychiatric medications. EVERYTHING.
The last two remaining meds are Invega and Cabergoline. I'm officially no longer taking Latuda.
And to be honest, I'm doing better now than I was when I was around my parents constantly.
January 24, 2022:
Post 01:
I just worked out on the treadmill at the gym. After my workout was complete, I went to use the sanitizing spray and paper towels to clean the treadmill. There was liquid on the handle of the spray cleaner which got on my shirt and skin. It was wet. No contamination risk, right?
Post 02:
I just went back and read some of my texts and emails from 2011... Yikes! I was not at all in touch with reality. To those who haven't seen them, I was so sick. Although a little funny at times, the more I read, the more depressing it got. I was so disabled and lost in psychosis.
Post 03:
I'm told living in the real world, socializing, giving up the fantasyland is the key to mental health recovery.
Circa 2010: I was alone in my head, ferociously exercising all day long, and I went insane. I desired socialization, but I had non-existent social skills.
Post 04:
Although I might seem "sick" now. Trust me when I say I am so much healthier than I was in 2011. It's unreal how bad I was back then. You're witnesses posts by somebody who has come a long way in his mental illness journey, not somebody completely crippled with psychosis.
January 26, 2022:
Post 01:
I'm coming to a realization that my parents are narcissists who abused me. My home was like a warzone, walking on eggshells, I was in such a state of panic I didn't know how to survive, was internalizing my emotions, trying to keep my head above water. My mom was gaslighting me.
Post 02:
How can I get vengeance on my mother for the years of hell she put me through? Obviously, self destruction or reacting to her is exactly what she wants. I need to make myself extremely successful. Get power. Then when she's dependent on me, treat her like she treated me.
Post 03:
I'm sick and tired of feeling defective and being told I'm crazy. The truth is my mom likes having power over me, keeping me disabled, just so she can abuse me. My home environment was chaos, like walking on eggshells, and I was just trying to keep my head above water to not die.
Post 04:
Unfortunately, at the moment, I have no power and control. I'm dependent and imprisoned by my narcissistic mother. So I have to take her abuse. Otherwise, I would have no place to live. The reason I'm disabled is because of the trauma and torture she put me through.
Post 05:
I'm tired of being told I'm the mentally ill and problematic person in this household. I'm not. In comparison to my narcissistic and abusive parents, I'm very well behaved. I follow the rules. I'm passive. I'm constantly alone in my head. I don't assert myself. They torture me.
Post 06:
I just watched a video about "8 Stages of the Super Empath Supernova to Eradicate Narcissists!"
This is totally me and the narcissists are my parents.
Post 07:
I was watching a video about a super empath supernova. An empathetic person who was abused by a narcissist. The narcissist crushes their spirit. They become cold and bitter. They're really waiting to get power and come back with a vengeance. Then they come back like a supernova!
Post 08:
My mom jokes that by abusing me she crushed my spirit, killed my empathy, and I'm going to turn into a monster like her. The truth is my empathy is still there. I want vengeance on her, but I'm not going to turn into this super villain like she fantasized about turning me into.
Post 09:
I have horrible parents who put me through hell. My life couldn't have turned out much worse and they did it intentionally. There's going to be no supreme court case. I can't put them in jail for it. I have abusive, unempathetic, narcissistic parents. I have to accept it.
Post 10:
It really angers me that I was taking a mega regimen of psychiatric medication for over ten years. My parents and psychopharmacologist told me I'm the "sick" one. The reason I was being so heavily medicated was narcissistic abuse, social isolation, being unvalidated, and unheard.
Post 11:
Basically, I was given a chemical lobotomy to be completely passive to an abusive and narcissistic parent. My mom already abused me into submission. Then she took away ALL OF MY POWER. I needed to assert myself, not be alone in my head. Now I'm afraid these meds gave me cancer.
Saturday, January 22, 2022
Friday, January 21, 2022
Artwork (01 21 2022)
My Artwork, Delusions Of Grandeur (01 21 2022):
Delusions About My Parents (01 21 2022):
Cinderella Story (01 21 2022):
They Are Delusional, Not The Biological Father (My Moms Coloring) (01 21 2022)
They Are Delusional, Not The Biological Father (My Moms Coloring) (01 21 2022):
Thursday, January 20, 2022
Some Posts (01 20 2022)
Post 01:
I have a small cut on my finger and when I used the disinfecting spray to clean the treadmill at the gym after my workout, cleaner got in the cut, and my cut began to sting. I'm trying to remind myself years of biting my nails was a bigger contamination risk. I'm fine... Right?!
Post 02:
My mother said "It's a disinfectant and there is no worries." I'm trying to let my contamination fears go. "Kiss it up to God" like my Grandparents would say... But I definitely have a cut on my finger and when I used the cleaner at the gym it began to sting with a slight pain.
Post 03:
I'm not saying do things that are high risk. But sometimes you just need to relax, not overthink or worry. I know people who did extremely reckless things and they weren't concerned in the slightest about their risk.
Me: I'm worried about a microscopic cut getting contaminated.
Post 04:
I started to BELIEVE my parents sadistically tortured me, they're putting on a facade, gaslighting me, there's an investigation. STOP! Catch it, check it, change it. If I want to come off my psychiatric medication, every time the delusions start to overtake me - CATCH IT!
Post 05:
When my parents yell at me and I become full of negative emotion, sometimes it's not as easy to fight off the delusions. In these situations, I want to believe my parents are SATAN. But these are exactly the moments where I need to relax and not let my emotions overtake me.
Post 06:
Time for a post EVERYBODY can relate to... Have you ever been wearing nice clothes while eating something messy? Tonight, I was eating an eggplant parmesan hero. The marinara sauce eggplant fell on my clean pants and stained them. I was already a half-hour into doing other wash.
Post 07:
I accidentally cut myself while shaving. The small razor wound is bleeding. I touched lots of stuff in my apartment - like my cell phone, computer, then touched the open cut on my face. Let it go. There I go again. Nothing is going to contaminate me with HIV. I'm safe and sound.
Post 08:
My artwork is genius. I'm creating a masterpiece. I should be rich, famous, and independent RIGHT THIS SECOND. Am I really "delusional" about my worth like people say? Or is my artwork a GOLDMINE? It's time to pay me for my YEARS of hard work. Somebody LIBERATE ME NOW!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 19, 2022
Some Posts (01/15/2022 - 01/19/2022)
January 15, 2022:
Post 01:
I accidentally cut myself shaving last night. There's a red clotted area on my face where it's scabbing over. I was in public earlier - the coffee shop - then touched it. HIV contamination risk? I'll go to gym later too. No worries, right?
Post 02:
Before going to the gym, I put on my "public shoes." I was using the bathroom at home. Washing my hands. And accidentally significantly scratched my arm with my nail. There's a red cut going down the middle. I'm afraid of HIV contamination. Anything on my shoes would be dead.
Post 03:
Do you think it's safe to workout with a fresh scratch down my arm? I'm arriving at the gym now, want to do an hour on the treadmill, but I'm afraid of HIV contamination. My long sleeve t-shirt will be covering the scratch. But the scratch is brand new. I'll workout, not worry.
Post 04:
So I successfully completed my workout at the gym with the scratch on my arm. It stings. I'll clean it when I go inside. But there's nothing life-changing to worry about. Simply clean it and it'll heal in a few days. Right?
Post 05:
I'm going to try to come off all my psychiatric medication with my psychopharmacologist as soon as possible because I seem to be doing exactly the same, if not better on less meds. And I'm afraid being on a mega regimen for 10 years has permanently damaged my body (cancer).
Post 06:
Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead. Somehow I survived years of self-sabotage, now I'm on a mega regimen of psychiatric medication. Although I want to live a long life, I'm lucky to be alive and every day I am is a gift because my body wasn't being taken care of with love.
Post 07:
I'm afraid time is running out for me, I'm dying from years of running my body into the ground. There's no evidence of this. It's simply strong internal conviction. If I have 5 years left, I want to enjoy what's left of my life, not have an entire life of pain and suffering.
January 19, 2022:
Post 01:
At the gym, there was fresh wetness on the treadmill buttons. My fingers touched the wetness to begin, then it quickly dried. Someone must have just used it. I'm HOPING it was spray cleaner, but I'm afraid it was somebody else's sweat or something worse. A contamination risk?
Post 02:
My mother says there is no risk of HIV from putting your hands in the previous treadmill users spray cleaner or sweat. What it boils down to: I want a girlfriend, don't want my health tainted. I want my soulmate, love of my life, dream woman. She won't date me if I have HIV.
Post 03:
I'm getting harassed by a cyberbully.
I'm solitary, lonely, began talking to him, daydreaming he was my soulmate girlfriend undercover - then the daydreams became real.
The truth is he's a bad man, with bad intentions.
If he contacts me again BLOCK and REPORT, repeat, repeat.
Post 04:
I should've learned my lesson YEARS AGO about talking to suspiciously empty social media profiles, daydreaming it's the love of my life undercover because all it usually ends up being is a cyberbully who wants to harm me.
I'll find TRUE LOVE talking to people in the REAL WORLD.
Post 05:
Somebody told me that Jim Norton was on Gutfield last night.
How was his performance?
I liked him on the Opie and Anthony show when I was in college.
Though present day, I might have outgrown juvenile comedy. Years ago, I saw him 4 or 5 times. I even have pictures with him.
Post 06:
I feel like I have surpassed the entertainers I admired growing up. According to Dr. Natural, you surpass your idols by getting success in the real world. I think my genius needs to be acknowledged but it's fact. Others would tell me I'm living in a delusional daydreamland.
Post 07:
I predict it's only a matter of time before I am EXTREMELY rich and famous. Everybody knows who I am. More iconic than The Beatles. Regarded as once in a lifetime, a genius, a masterpiece creator. Dr. Natural tells me I'm daydreaming my worth is greater than it is. NO EVIDENCE!
Post 08:
I often get ideas of reference. I was watching President Joe Biden give a speech on TV when I was at the gym. I feel like I'm already extremely famous. He's talking directly to me. When he smiles - he is smiling at me. This is my mental illness. He doesn't even know I exist.
Post 09:
On one hand, I want to be extremely famous. I want tons of attention, acknowledgment, people to admire me. To be like a sensational "Lady Gaga."
On the other hand, I want to be left alone, to hide, for nobody to see the real me, to go through my entire life being left alone.
Tuesday, January 18, 2022
Dr. Natural's Reply About Resemblance And Relation
Dr. Natural's Reply About Resemblance And Relation:
"Because people aren't infinitely unique, everyone looks a bit lots of other people in the world. I look a bit like some famous people, and I am sure I look a bit like some people who are not wealthy. I probably look a bit like a few people who are in jail if I looked hard enough at a lot of jailhouse pictures. Why not? But you are selective in your imagination. You only think about the rich, interesting, famous people you look a bit like. Why don't you assume that you are the son of a guy who drives a bus or has some other modest station in life to whom you bear a resemblance? We know the answer to that."Syd Barrett
Does anybody else think I resemble Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd? Even if I look identical to him, his carbon copy, don't daydream he's my biological father. It's a fun daydream. But it's not real life. Give up the fantasyland. Live in the real world.
Sunday, January 16, 2022
Artwork (01 16 2022)
Feel Dead (01 16 2022):
Sk8er Girl (01 16 2022):
NYC (01 16 2022):
Complete Isolation (01 16 2022)
Note: My fingerprints are legible on this in several spots. Is this something to worry about?
Wonder World, My Daydream (My Moms Coloring) (01 16 2022)
Wonder World, My Daydream (My Moms Coloring) (01 16 2022):
Friday, January 14, 2022
Some Posts (01/13/2022 and 01/14/2022)
January 13, 2022:
Post 01:
I like to disinfect my belongings after the gym. I needed new Lysol wipes. I noticed the top was broken and the seal was missing. I asked my mother if she opened it. She started yelling at me how "it's fine!" Then she said how she "remembered opening it." I'm afraid she's lying.
Post 02:
I used the Lysol disinfecting wipes because my mother now claims she "remembers opening them." I think she's lying. But I'll pretend like she's telling the truth.
My biggest fear is a psychopath contaminated the Lysol wipes at the store. Then my mother lied to me for no reason.
Post 03:
I want to go on a dating website. Back in 2012, I used Match. Is that still relevant in 2022? If anybody is out there and these posts aren't going into a void, what dating website should I buy a membership to if I'm looking to meet a classy girlfriend?
Post 04:
People who are supposed to be "the best and brightest minds", people getting into medical school, even "geniuses" in show business - I'm much smarter than them all. These people are succeeding, gonna be making lots of money. I'm 34-years-old and have less than 2,000 dollars.
Post 05:
The frustrating part about not getting my worth acknowledged... I'm showing what a genius I am, how brightly I shine again, and again, and again with ease. Sadly, my talent is going into a void.
Take a class in REAL LIFE I guess. Stop trying to go viral on social media.
Post 06:
It could be a very tragic and sad story about a brilliant mind getting sick with mental illness due to trauma, wasting time, an entire life if unimaginable pain and suffering.
Thankfully, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness and good days will be arriving soon.
January 14, 2022:
Post 01:
Dr. Natural said: "The song shows people what you are thinking and how you are feeling in a compelling way. However, a proviso - do you want my opinion about the interest the song might invite on its purely musical elements?"
That's my intention. To tell a story in a fun way.
Post 02:
I just sat on the grass for photos, the ground was wet, my pants and skin became soaked with liquid. I'm worried a psychopath contaminated the ground. It was probably wet from the snowstorm we had a few days ago. Let it go. You can't get contaminated by sitting on the lawn.
Post 03:
I'm having difficulty swallowing, an adverse side effect caused by the Invega. I'm afraid being on this medication for about 10 years has done long-term damage to my esophagus, so even when I come off, I'm going to have difficulty swallowing for the rest of my life. I hope not!
Post 04:
I'm often underestimated and thought to be sicker than I am. This is frustrating because I'm capable of being so high functioning. At the moment my executive functioning isn't very high. So people lable me useless, pathetic, a 34-year-old disabled adult child - not a genius.
Post 05:
If your partner has power over you in a relationship you'll never be happy. You need to be equal. Don't think of yourself as a worthless loser. Have confidence. Often attractive people let themselves get bullied by successful people. Don't give bullies power to hurt you.
Post 06:
Often bullies establish power. They force a victim to submit and be passive. This abuse can go on for years. The bully can even convince the victim they're the ones who are wrong through gaslighting manipulation. Bullies get pleasure from power, control, being a sadistic monster.
Post 07:
If you're dependent on your sadistic persecutor, it's not easy to escape the hellish prison they put you in. Usually, a victim needs a bully financially so they have to tolerate the bully's abusive torture. When you're bullied non-stop for years it wrecks your mental health.
Artwork (01 14 2022)
Esophagus Paralysis (01 14 2022):
Smarter Than Them All (01 14 2022):
The Demon, Satan Is In Control (01 14 2022):
Thursday, January 13, 2022
Wednesday, January 12, 2022
Some Posts (01/11/2022 and 01/12/2022)
January 11, 2022:
Post 01:
Dr. Natural said: "With all due respect, I find your drawings more engaging than your songwriting and performance. Just sayin'."
He also liked the screenplay.
He likes sympathetic, factual, and academic art.
He doesn't like sensational, craziest of crazy, comedy performances.
Post 02:
I can tell my story in a sensational way like I'm Mr. Bean meets The Joker, a comedy character... But people won't empathize with the pain and suffering I lived through if I behave like a "craziest of crazy" pro wrestling character. They'll laugh or feel frightened.
January 12, 2022:
Post 01:
There was this really aggressive, intense, hot-headed guy at the gym. He was about 6', muscular, but lean, had tattoos. He took his shirt off, began flinging it around, was exercising on the treadmill with RAGE. I'm afraid he had HIV and sweat from his shirt got on my skin.
Post 02:
Everybody sees the aggressive lunatic, the elephant in the room, and they stay in there little world. With expressionless faces they don't acknowledge the problem. They might even be afraid the hot-headed man will react violently to them.
Me: I keep looking at him out of fear.
Post 03:
Some people try saying empathize with the hot-headed lunatic because it's a lot of pain that makes him full of RAGE. He was shirtless, aggressively flinging his shirt around, his sweat was getting everywhere. I'm not Dr. Phil. I want his gym membership canceled if this continues.
Post 04:
Just for the record, I didn't complain to the front desk about the aggressive man at the gym. I won't unless he gets confrontational with me, which he probably won't, because he doesn't even know I exist. But he was really disturbing to see and triggered contamination fears.
Post 05:
Jordan Peterson once said, if women reject you, and everybody thinks you're a problem... It's not everybody else that's wrong. It might be hard to accept. But unfortunately, if you want to fit into a civilized society, you need to conform and follow the rules... Or be solitary.
Post 06:
I go to the gym expecting to be safe. I don't want an aggressive man to fling his sweat around and contaminate me with HIV. Or worse physically attack somebody, causing a tremendous scene. There's no place for that. The only place for that is in jail.
I'm looking for fitness.
Artwork (01 12 2022)
Not A Burden (01 12 2022):
Angry Daydreams, Death Note, Light, Passive (01 12 2022):
Wonder World, Daydream World In My Room (My Moms Coloring) (01 12 2022)
Wonder World, Daydream World In My Room (My Moms Coloring) (01 12 2022):
Tuesday, January 11, 2022
Shane McMahon
Does anybody else think I look like Shane McMahon? Even if there's a resemblance... Don't daydream I'm his half-brother because all evidence suggests I'm NOT related to him! Fight it off. Catch it, check it, change it. Don't feed the fantasy by doing comparison photos. Move on!
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