The Truth, Tell Me

It's obvious everyone is lying. Tell me the truth. Enough!

I protest day, after fucking day for them to tell me the truth. They're obviously lying and gaslighting me about a lot of significant things. Make peace with although they'll never admit it because they're cowards - it's ruining my life trying to get these monsters to confess.

I know they say there's nothing for them to confess to. The reason they don't "tell me" is there's nothing for them to tell me. It's face value. It's OBVIOUS (to me) there are hidden realities. As Dr. Garrett said, I feel "there is something going on beneath surface appearances."

I SUSPECT the hidden realities are so bad and I'll be ENRAGED if they tell me - as I should be. So they don't tell me and ignorance is bliss. They're afraid I can't handle the truth. If told, it'll become a powder keg. However, hurt me with the truth, don't comfort me with a lie.

Emails, Dr. Garrett, August 2021, April 2024, Prank Gone Wrong

My Email:

Aug 3, 2021, 9:43 PM

If it was a prank gone wrong, I want to pretend I'm not soul-crushingly hurt, but I am.

Let's talk this out and resolve this sooner rather than later because I do want to be your friend. I wish it never happened and I know you feel the same way - but it happened. Tragic and sad!

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Aug 4, 2021, 5:37 AM

Andrew-There was no prank gone wrong.  The "prank" feeling you have is one version of your "there is something going on beneath surface appearances."  Your relationship with Kelly has been and continues to be loving.

My Email:

Apr 29, 2024, 2:11 PM

It's becoming increasingly obvious it wasn't a "prank gone wrong." It wasn't an "accident." They really were gaslighting me about HIV and conspired to get me to take PrEP for revenge. There's without question a hidden reality. They wanted to give me a mental black and blue. They wanted me to feel broken. They were torturing me leading up to the "virgin sacrifice" in 2019 - then they served me like a piece of meat. This is really what happened. Kelly never loved me. She was never my friend. My parents are lying too. They know the truth. 

Emails, Dr. Garrett, January 2021, April 2024, Brain Stem (Mom)

My Email:

Jan 11, 2021, 4:29 PM

My mom was drawing fruit today, she said: "let me put the stem on my apple." I got predicate logic she was ACTUALLY SAYING: she tortured my brain so much it went into the brain stem. She was inflicting bad mental health my entire life. The torture may even lead to brain cancer.

Dr Garrett's Email:

Jan 11, 2021, 6:52 PM

"Good catch!   You identified the predicate logic."

My Email:

Apr 29, 2024, 5:57 AM 

Although we said over three years ago, the "brain stem" comment my mother made was predicate logic - not her saying how she traumatized me to my core. I genuinely believe there's truth to what I'm saying. She often talks in metaphors and knows exactly what she's saying. Then when I confront her about the double-meaning she gaslights me and calls me "delusional." She messes with my mind.

I SUSPECT I was being tortured because of something that took place 20 - 25 years ago. They were isolating, dehumanizing, pharmacologically abusing, and trying to cause neurological damage. They were trying to render me a vegetable mind for revenge.

From your impression: did my mother always have good intentions when it came to me? Was she not a SADISTIC DECEIVER and a monster behind a mask? Were my mother and step father trying to kill me while creating a facade they were trying to help me? Did they want to make my death look like an accident - but it was really premeditated and intentional attempted murder? Fortunately, I didn't die. Or do they love me and want me to succeed?

My Email:

Apr 29, 2024, 7:27 AM

I noticed you said "Good catch!" about the predicate logic. Does that mean my parents weren't involved enough in my life? Were they neglectful? Did they need to intervene more? Should they have been playing metaphorical baseball with me? Or is there no double-meaning here?

Emails, Dr. Garrett, February 2021, April 2024, HIV man - triggering

My Email:

Feb 20, 2021, 8:16 PM

Kelly shared a story about a homosexual man who acquired HIV the first time he had sex. It's very tragic and sad. This man is friends with one of our Fountain House friends. When Kelly told me the story it triggered me. I started to think Kelly is a psychopath who is trying to infect me. I must realize there I go again. Kelly loves me and she was telling me a story about somebody else. It's not a metaphor for her trying to infect me. The topic of HIV is unpleasant and triggering for me.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Feb 20, 2021, 10:00 PM

Good for you, Andrew.  You caught your predicate logic before it got out of hand.  Enjoy the peace you achieve by outwitting the predicate logic. 

My Email:

Apr 28, 2024, 9:22 AM

The previous two emails were exchanged over three years ago (when I was still dating Kelly). In HINDSIGHT, I feel the HIV man Kelly was describing was meant to be me metaphorically.

Although I wasn't officially a virgin, I was like a virgin with little experience who was described as a "clean baby" in 2019. Although I don't have HIV now - I feel traumatized, defective, and damaged after January 2020. I feel metaphorically HIV positive.

I SUSPECT Kelly conspired with my family - like The Sopranos - to give me an HIV scare over something that took place 20 - 25 years ago. SUSPECT is the keyword for daydreams becoming real. All the clues I see on social media are not a confession that it was premeditated - it's ideas of reference delusions.

As you said three years ago, outwit the "predicate logic." Kelly showed me her bloodwork in 2019. It was clean. She loved me. I loved her. She was not intermittently gaslighting me about HIV. They did not conspire to get me to take PrEP for revenge. 

I stepped on something random in NYC and chose to take PrEP against everyone's advice not to.

Interestingly, going with the theme of ideas of reference and predicate logic, you said to me "Good for you." That's one of Olivia Rodrigo's songs. Is the woman I've been socializing with Olivia Rodrigo in disguise? Was EVERYTHING PREMEDITATED? There were no accidents? Now she's going to pull off the mask and say "I'm a pop superstar." Is Oliva Rodrigo my soulmate? This is a double-bookkeeping psychosis joke.

The truth is no one is deceiving me. Accept everything as FACE VALUE!

Owen Hart's Death

Owen Hart was better than Triple H. Why was he in the doghouse in 1998 / 1999?

Were they trying to kill Owen? Or was his death an accident?

I know in court it was determined to be an "negligent accident"... but was it really? Or were they trying to kill him?

Was it because he nearly paralyzed Stone Cold Steve Austin (the biggest star in the company)?

I assume something else was going on - like maybe owen had sex with Stephanie McMahon and she was bullying him? Or maybe he sexually harassed Debra and it was a receipt for that? Or maybe it was HIS IDEA and he died in a freak gasoline fight accident to quote Zoolander? I don't know.

Or maybe ALL OF THE ABOVE.

The Truth (04 27 2024)

Stop thinking of my family as The Sopranos who'd conspire into torturing me with nefarious PREMEDITATED INTENT over something that took place 20 - 25 years ago. Maybe they are telling me the truth and there's no hidden realities? Catch it, check it, change it. Don't get emotional.

Hypothetically speaking, if they CONFESS they did it to me... They're afraid it'll be a powder keg. But I don't want jail, the psychiatric hospital, or worse. Though, I'll be very angry - as I should be. But that's ASSUMING there's a nefarious hidden reality - which there's not.

I protest day, after day for four years now: "tell me the truth about the HIV scare." They still haven't confessed. It appears fishy to me. Maybe the reason they haven't confessed is because THERE'S NOTHING FOR THEM TO CONFESS. Everything is as it appears to be at face value.

I don't trust or believe anyone is telling the truth. For example, I think my new friends are lying and are celebrities in disguise. Not everyone is a sadistic deceiver. There has to be someone honest and transparent who I can genuinely believe is telling me the truth.

Try to trust people and take them at their word. If they say the HIV scare was my choice and an accident - BELIEVE THEM. That's what EVERYONE SAYS. Not everyone is lying and deceiving me. It's a suspicion I've come to a feeling of conviction about - a daydream that's become real.

It's not me against the world. My friends and family genuinely love me and were trying to help me. They were not trying to kill me while creating a facade they were helping me. They always had good intentions, even if in hindsight what they did wasn't always the right decision.

Paradise Studios (04 19 2024)

Paradise Studios (04 19 2024):

April 26, 2024

April 26, 2024:

April 27, 2014

April 27, 2014:

Psychiatric Hospital and Social Media

Let's call a spade a spade, was the HIV scare premeditated? The social media content looks so fishy. It's obvious there's a hidden reality. Tell me the truth. If so, why am I taking the meds? I'm not delusional?

I protest that they tell me the truth, then I'm threatened with the psychiatric hospital. The hospital is barbaric and not helpful. They're fucking psychopaths. Don't threaten me with the hospital! It's practically a prison. I'm not a danger to myself or others and they know it.

They tell me I'm "getting emotional", make up examples of why I need "help", I'm emotional because they're threatening me with the hospital. I'm taking my psychiatric medicine. I'm not a danger. That's the criteria for admission. They know I'm not a danger. So leave me alone.

I'm taking my medicine and will engage in programs. I do comedy open mic and art class. Though, I need to do more, socially engage, and develop a real life. I choose recovery and will do it. I made my mind up to recover, not to sit in solidarity posting on social media everyday.

Social media is not my ticket to riches and fame. It's my ticket to pouring my life down the drain. No one is coming to rescue me. I've invested over 15 years into this pipe dream. Get off the cell phone and computer - and find real life love. The real world isn't scary. It's fun.

Psychiatric Medications (04 23 2024)

And on that note, if I'm not delusional, why am I taking the 10 mg of abilify again?

The reason they want me heavily medicated is because they did it to me and they're afraid it'll become a powder keg when I discover what THEY'VE DONE, not that I'm "delusional."

I know they say they never had NEFARIOUS INTENTIONS with Dr. Coplan's mega regimen of prescription psychiatric medications. But let's call spade a spade here, it was my mother who wanted me to take it, not me - and I did compliantly from 2012 - November 2022. Maybe I needed it.

Dr. Coplan said a few days ago: "Try get that Abilify to 10mg a day Andrew. This is very delusional material."

I've been on 10 mg for weeks now. Accept that I need it, not everyone is lying and pharmacologically abusing me. It's the truth. I'm sick and need my medications.

Stop sending so many text messages, posts, and emails to everyone. I said I would try to do that. Take my medication as prescribed, socially engage, and get a life. It's very obsessive and annoying to all the receivers of my text messages. Power off my phone and computer.

HIV Scare (04 23 2024)

So I wasn't delusional... Kelly really did it to me.

Was she like the grim reaper or The Undertaker sent to metaphorically kill me? 

Or was it not supposed to get this bad?

Not only is it as bad as Kelly gaslighting me into having an HIV accident - it gets even worse. The reason they've been lying for over two years is because I'd be enraged and it would've been a powder keg. But it's true. She did it to me with PREMEDITATED INTENT.

I wish they'd tell me the truth. But they never will. They'll never be transparent with me.

Artwork (04 22 2024)

DDDD (04 22 2024):

Social Media, Ticket To Riches And Fame (04 22 2024):

John 3:16 (My Dads Coloring) (04 22 2024)

John 3:16 (My Dads Coloring) (04 22 2024):

the sadistic persecutor is my stepfather

I think I've finally figured out who the sadistic persecutor is - it's my stepfather (Dale North). From your impression, do you think he likes me? I believe a family member of his doesn't like me because of something that occurred 20 - 25 years ago. Since then, he's devoted his life to torturing me. Basically, trying to kill me while creating a facade he's helping me. And my mother is aware and she gaslights and victim-blames me. Basically, the monster is my stepfather. I'd appreciate it if you replied to this email in particular because I think I just had a breakthrough.

Let's call a spade a spade here, were my mother and stepfather intentionally trying to murder me while creating a facade they were helping me? Were they dehumanizing and pharmacologically abusing me? Were they getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering? It's obvious they were.

I need to practice the 3 C's. Catch it, check it, change it. My parents aren't SADISTIC DECEIVERS who were secretly trying to kill me. It feels like they were. But they didn't have nefarious intentions. They aren't monsters behind their masks. 

I'm sorry Mom and Dale. You both do so much for me and provide me with a place to live. I apologize for writing and posting these things. I could be homeless, in the psychiatric hospital, or a group home if not for you. I was loved, not a victim of sadistic torture.

I'm sorry for the emotional tsunami text messages. Just socialize, take my meds, try to recover from schizoaffective.

My mind goes haywire on the treadmill and I'm tempted to send crazy text messages to everyone.. It's bizarre

HIV Scare (04 21 2024)

I've said it all - but it's obvious something fishy was going on in late 2019 / 2020. They're clearly lying. Did they gaslight me into having an HIV scare? 

I'll CCC. Catch it, check it, change it. Maybe they are telling me the truth.

I really believe the HIV scare was premeditated and intentional. It's extremely suspicious. Also, the people who say it was an "accident" are liars and I believe nothing they say. How do you believe the word of a liar? I guess if everyone says it's an accident - believe EVERYONE.

Is the social media content really ideas of reference delusions that I'm coming to feelings of conviction are a confession they did it to me with PREMEDITATED INTENT? Because it appears to me that something nefarious was going on. CCC. Catch it, check it, change it.

You know how they say I kind of "gaslit" myself into believing the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED? I need to practice the four D's of Delusions. Debunk it, dismiss it, derail it, deny it. Convince myself I'm DELUSIONAL - convince myself IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Artwork (04 20 2024)

CCC (04 20 2024):

Ideas Of Reference (04 20 2024):

Spring Time (My Dads Coloring) (04 20 2024)

Spring Time (My Dads Coloring) (04 20 2024):

Here's how I interpret my father's artwork, though he didn't literally tell me what it meant.. They were trying to murder me while creating a facade they were helping me. But important people finally discovered me. Now lots of people have some explaining to do - including Dr Garrett and Coplan. CCC. Catch it, check it, change it

Idea Of Reference, Delusions, Social Media

Basically, it's not technically illegal to taunt someone even if it's CLEARLY not an idea of reference delusion? They'll just deny it and say there were no nefarious intentions. But seriously, they tortured me. They'll deny it. But they do kind of confess on social media.

There's no evidence they tortured me, but the evidence is all there on social media. They'll just claim it's schizoaffective disorder and an idea of reference delusion. Or is it an idea of reference delusion? CCC. Catch it, check it, change it. They genuinely love me.

They're literally saying they did it to me through metaphorical clues in social media content. It's clear as day. They don't officially confess and they never will. Stop looking at social media. Assuming it's true, they want me to be triggered by their taunts. I can't do anything.

There's going to be no supreme court case where I put them in jail. They'll just say the post is not a reference to me - it CLEARLY IS - but they'll never confess. They'll gaslight and say there were no NEFARIOUS PREMEDITATED INTENTIONS. It's bullshit. It was torture.

Or am I really delusional? They're not SADISTIC DECEIVERS. They really always had good intentions. They weren't trying to kill me while creating a facade they were helping me. And the clues I see on social media are idea of reference delusions, not their taunts and confession.

HIV Scare (04 19 2024)

For the record, I've attempted suicide over the HIV scare many months ago, maybe even a year ago now, I told no one and can't officially say how. Thankfully, there is no betrayal and I'm in a better place now. But yeah, it was bad. So if you're thinking of making light of it...

Realize no one was hurting me. It was an accident. Still traumatic. But as Dr Garrett would say: "Good applications of the brakes to keep your mind from spinning off the road."

Everything is fine right now. It happened a year ago. But don't make jokes about it. It's not funny.

So I did open mic night for comedy. I got an idea of reference delusion that someone was making a joke that made light of a situation I've been in. But I need to realize he was addressing the whole audience. He wasn't talking directly to me. It was his comedy act. CCC. Catch it.

Paradise Studios (04 12 2024)

Paradise Studios (04 12 2024):

April 19, 2024

April 19, 2024:

April 19, 2014

April 19, 2014:

Just Confess

I'm not "delusional." They're sexual sadists who were getting pleasure from my suffering. It's OBVIOUS. I ask them to confess the truth. I'm not trying to start an argument. There's clearly secrets. I want them to communicate. It's just a matter of how bad their deception is.

I wish they'd stop lying and be transparent with me. I SUSPECT they had NEFARIOUS INTENTIONS. It's pretty obvious they did.

I know. They know I know. I know they know I know. Yet they STILL LIE.

Just confess the truth already.

They tell me to "take my medication as prescribed" - which I have been. They say there's nothing for them to confess. The 3C's. CCC - catch it, check it, change it. Stop the emotional tsunami. The SADISTIC PERSECUTORS were the bullies from 25 years ago, correct? No one currently.

Let's call a spade a spade here, was my father (Robert Koloski) raping me in my childhood? I don't have a memory of getting raped. No one has corroborated it either. They say traumatic mental blocks don't exist. But I SUSPECT he was and my mother is aware too. Catch it. Emotional.

I've successfully recovered from the "my parents are pedophiles" DELUSIONS. It's been replaced by the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED and they were pharmacologically abusing me through negligent Dr. Coplan. Realize I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about what I SUSPECT.

Am I really suffering in solidarity being involuntarily celibate? Yes. But it's not a credible idea that my mother, father, and stepfather are SADISTIC DECEIVERS and SEXUAL SADISTS who were metaphorically raping me. I'm really suffering. But they love me and want the best for me.

Artwork (04 18 2024)

They Did It To Me, Confess (04 18 2024):

CCC (04 18 2024):

Clean Baby (04 18 2024):

Emails, Dr. Garrett, April 2024, therapy meetings

Emails, Dr. Garrett, April 2024, therapy meetings

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Apr 17, 2024, 4:05 PM

Andrew

If your mother is available, I would like to meet with the two of you tomorrow at 11:15.  If she is not available, but could be next Thursday, we can meet then.  I have been away for several weeks and am not up on everything that has happened, but it seems to me from your emails (too many for me to read them all) suggest a circling back, again and again, to the same themes - people are not who they appear to be, but are deceivers, persecutors.  

Dr G

My Email:

Apr 17, 2024, 5:10 PM

I have a feeling my mother is going to be pushing for me to take the 10 mg of Abilify. I'm on 5 mg at the moment and have been for weeks.

Let's avoid a psychiatric hospitalization at all costs, for obvious reasons. Though, I don't think it's necessary at this time

My Email:

Apr 17, 2024, 6:50 PM

I just took the 10 mg of Abilify in front of my mom tonight - and I will take the medication in front of my parents until they can trust me to be compliant.

Everyone, literally everyone, is saying I need to take the medication as prescribed.

I hate how fatigued it makes me, hate how it makes me eat like a hog, makes me fat, affects sexual function, and so on... But I NEED IT.

I know you suggested injectable because that's the only way you can trust me to be compliant. But I hate hypodermic needles. I'd prefer to stay on the pill.

I'll just be honest and transparent about everything. I hate to lie anyway.

So I'll be taking the Abilify oral in front of my parents for the foreseeable future until they can trust me to do it on my own. I need to accept that I NEED THE MEDS.

Green Bunny (Otto Greenberg) - Bryan Greenberg Arrested

Otto Greenberg realizes everybody has it better and that makes Otto super jealous and angry. 

Otto is going to get arrested for stealing from a supermarket - a carton of milk. As the police are apprehending Otto, he's going to present the police with his brother's ID. 

Bryan Greenberg is going to look just like Otto - except he's clean shaven and a successful lawyer wearing a suit. Bryan Greenberg works in the city. Doesn't live at home with the mother and father like Otto does. He doesn't have any association with the family.  

Otto secretly hates his brother because his brother is successful. The police say you have to Otto "you report back to the police station to serve your jail sentence."

The police are going to go to Bryan Greenberg's lawyer job and arrest Bryan Greenberg. He'll be like, "what are you talking about? I didn't steal from the supermarket." Otto framed his brother for a crime he didn't commit. Bryan has to spend 30 days in jail because Otto dupes the police into thinking it was Bryan Greenberg who stole from the supermarket.

Otto laughs and says "haha my brother sees what it's like to be institutionalized and locked in the psych ward for 30 days. He sees what it's like to suffer. Fuck my brother. Hahaha"

30 days in jail is fair. It's enough to traumatize Bryan. Otto doesn't want to ruin Bryan Greenberg's life. He just wants him to get a taste of the medicine. He wants him to get a taste of what it's like to get locked in the psych ward for 30 days. He doesn't want him to be locked in prison for life. He just wants to get him a 30 day stealing from the supermarket sentence for something Otto did.

It's basically Otto saying "fuck you! Now you see what it's like. You work as a lawyer and have nothing to do with me while I sit home in solidarity. Go fuck yourself, Bryan Greenberg."

I guess Otto should not try to frame his brother. He should be more empathetic. It's not Bryan Greenberg's fault that Otto is sick. Maybe Otto secretly resents his brother and thinks: you could do more to help me. But if Otto is going to steal from the supermarket he shouldn't try to frame his brother. He should be a man and take accountability for what he's done.

It's fiction, obviously. It's a sensationalistic comedy.

Let's Say My Delusions Are True

They say they're not lying. There's no hidden realities. 

But let's hypothetically speaking say my delusions are true for a minute - everything is as bad as I'm imagining - everything is worst case scenario. I got a clean bill of health. I don't have cancer. I don't have HIV. 

Let's say I find out my parents were conspiring with pop stars, and my ex-girlfriend, to torture me, dehuamize me, and make me feel like a piece of meat. Let's say it's all true. They were torturing me for 36 years because of something that happened on a cruise 20 - 25 years ago. Let's say it actually is true. What am I going to do? Act in a rage and get locked in jail or the psychiatric hospital over it? No! I don't want to go to jail or the psychiatric hospital. Those places are hell on Earth. I don't want to get locked away. I'll be angry, I'll be steaming angry - as I should be. But I deserve to be happy, healthy, and to enjoy my life. I deserve to be a millionaire, possibly even a billionaire. I don't deserve to be locked away. So with that being said, don't get steaming angry. Control my emotions. That ASSUMING it's worst case scenario. People are saying you're coming to ideas of reference based on social media content. it's a delusion. You're coming to feelings of conviction about what you suspect. it's not as bad as I'm imagining. Ya know?

Date, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Torture

Somebody asked me: would I go on a date with Lady Gaga? Would I go on a date with Taylor Swift? Assuming they don't know me and they haven't known of me since 2008 at the very least, and assuming they're just discovering me now... yeah, why the hell wouldn't I? They're millionaires. I think Taylor Swift is even a billionaire. They keep themselves in shape. They have plenty of money. I mean, they're a real catch. I have less than 2,000 dollars in my name. When my mom dies I'm going to be up schitts creek without a paddle. Why wouldn't I go on a date with them? They're real catches. They have financial freedom.

But if they knew who I was since 2008, much of their artwork was about me, and they were turning me into a piece of meat, dehumanizing me, making me feel like a zero, and then they gave me an HIV scare intentionally. Well, if I find out that actually is true, I'm not going to like them very much for the obvious reasons. Because they tortured me. Ya know? If they were trying to turn me into Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd metaphorically, if they were trying to make me feel worthless, wanted me to be in pain, wanted me to get hurt, and wanted to render me a vegetable - well, I'm not going to like them.

I need to realize I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about what I SUSPECT. And looking at the "Bad Romance" music video, looking at The Fame Monster album cover, and looking at Taylor Swift's song "Bad Blood" and "Look What You Made Me Do" - that's an idea of reference delusion. From what I gather, in 2024, Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga do not know who I am. They were not secretly torturing me. Catch it, check it, change it. I was not being tortured by rich and powerful people in the music industry. They were not trying to make me feel like a sugar baby then they wanted to make me feel HIV positive. They weren't treating me like a worthless piece of meat.

Artwork (04 16 2024)

Happy, Sad (04 16 2024):

Tell Me The Truth! (04 16 2024):

Trust Them (04 16 2024):

Good Delusions, Olivia Rodrigo, Tom Holland

So obviously, I get persecutory delusions that people conspired into giving me an HIV scare and were pharmacologically abusing me.

But I also get "good delusions" that rich, powerful, and interesting people like me. For example, my buddy Sam resembles actor Tom Holland. Don't come to a feeling of conviction he is Tom Holland. The photographs he's taken where he appears like he is Tom Holland - maybe they're trolling me. The same is true for my art class buddy - maybe she isn't "Olivia Rodrigo." Maybe I'm not friends with "Olivia Rodrigo" and "Tom Holland." Maybe I'm friends with my art class buddy and Sam. There are no hidden realities. Everything is exactly as it appears to be. Try not to dig beneath the surface, and say I'm friends with "Tom Holland" and "Olivia Rodrigo" in disguise. That's not so.

Although there's a resemblance between this woman and Olivia Rodrigo - Although there's a resemblance between Sam and Tom Holland - don't come to a feeling of conviction that I'm literally hanging out with the actor and pop star. That's delusional.

Accept who they are at FACE VALUE. They are interesting people. Don't think of them as "not interesting." They are VERY INTERESTING.

Stop trying to discover a good hidden reality where they'll pull off the mask, say: "I'm an actor and I'm a pop star" and they're going to rescue me from my sad and empty life. It's a suspicion I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about AKA a delusion..

I SUSPECT, Intergender Wrestling, Pop Industry

So here is what I SUSPECT: Something happened 20 / 25 years ago on a cruise. I called it intergender professional wrestling. But maybe the person didn't like me for whatever reason and wanted revenge on me. Just a SUSPICION. Nobody has confirmed or corroborated this.

I SUSPECT maybe this person knew powerful people in the pop music industry like Lady Gaga. Obviously, this person knew my stepfather and my mother. Maybe they were conspiring into making me take the roller coaster down into hell. Maybe they were making me feel like a zero, worthless, dehumanizing me, treating me like a piece of meat. Maybe they were forcing me to be involuntarily celibate - keeping me basically a virgin. After torturing and dehumanizing me, making me walk on eggshells, making me feel like a porta potty, worthless - then what they wound up doing the "Bad Romance" music video, forcing me to take a mega regimen of psychiatric medications, pharmacologically abusing me, then they had somebody treat me like a piece of meat then intentionally gaslight me into having an HIV scare and into taking PrEP. They basically metaphorically set me on fire. They broke me, tortured me, dehumanized me.

I need to realize nobody has confirmed this. Nobody has corroborated this. This is just a feeling of conviction I am coming to. Catch it, check it, change it. The evidence is I don't know Lady Gaga, the evidence is Taylor Swift wasn't trying to give me "Bad Blood," the evidence is "Look What You Made Me Do" isn't about me, not everybody was going to betray me and now I'm not going to trust anybody or anything. Catch it. Maybe this isn't horribly bad. Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I'm delusional. Ya know? Maybe the pop industry wasn't conspiring into torturing me.

Believe Them

I want to think people's intentions were genuinely good. If people were doing nefarious things to me - I want karma to happen. At the end of the day, I'm a wholesome guy looking for love. But I hope they're not monsters behind their masks who were secretly trying to kill me.

I want to enjoy my life and to be happy. I need to remind myself there are no hidden realities. Accept everything at face value. Don't try to dig beneath the surface. Don't come to a feeling of conviction about my SUSPICIONS. Only believe what I have EVIDENCE of. Believe facts.

Could people be lying? Sure. But try to trust them. If they say they had no nefarious intentions and weren't sadistic deceivers - take them at their word. Don't try day, after day to extract a confession from them about what I SUSPECT they have done to me. Believe them.

When I really think about it I know what reality is. What I SUSPECT I have no memory of and it's not corroborated by anyone. The problem is when I get emotional I come to feelings of conviction my SUSPICIONS are true. They aren't. It's an EMOTIONAL TSUNAMI or a "DELUSION."

They want me to increase my medication. They don't want me medicated for nefarious reasons. They love me. Frankly, I do not want to be. I need to master the "catch it, check it, change it" technique. I need to develop interpersonal relationships, self-esteem, and to get a life.

Ideas Of Reference, Delusions

So there's pop stars who I think are referencing me with their songs. I've noted many times how I think Taylor Swift wrote songs about me - like the song "Hey Stephen" for example. Also, the song "Bad Blood."

But I also think the pop star Lady Gaga. I think they were torturing me and wanted revenge on me for whatever reason. I think the song "Bad Romance" and the music video to "Bad Romance" is about me. I think Lady Gaga wearing the meat dress is about me, she turned me into a piece of meat, dehumanized, made me feel like nothing, a zero - like a piece of meat.

I need to remind myself if the music industry was conspiring against me, conspiring into torturing me - that just didn't happen. It's an idea of reference delusion.

I think one of the more famous examples of somebody having ideas of reference delusions is Charles Manson. He thought the song "Helter Skelter" by The Beatles was referencing him. He was getting messages from the song. 

That's what's happening to me with Taylor Swift's songs and Lady Gaga's songs. I even get it by watching TV shows like pro wrestling for example. I think the announcers could be talking to me. I used to get it by listening to radio shock jock shows like the Opie and Anthony show. I used to think they were talking directly to me on the show. It's an idea of reference delusion.

To my knowledge, Lady Gaga does not know who I am, Taylor Swift does not know who I am, the Opie and Anthony show does not know who I am, nor does the wrestling community. So catch it, check it, change it. And realize I'm in anonymity, a disabled adult, with less than 2,000 dollars in my name. These are ideas of reference delusions.

I'm Being Verbally Abused By My Mother

So I'm hostile dependent on my mother. Despite her narrative that I'm the aggressive one - that's not true. She's the abusive one. She's the one who rants and raves at me and I'm silent and take her abuse. She tells me how I'm a burden - not literally. She tells me how everything is my fault. I'm the scapegoat. And she just abuses me verbally. I just don't say anything. I don't react. I just take her fucking abuse. That's the story.


But you know what? Just have nothing to do with my mother. Don't get emotionally triggered by my mother. Who am I even saying this for? She doesn't hear me. She doesn't listen to me. She doesn't talk out my suspicions about her. I'm 36 years old. It's time to get independent and get out of this hostile dependent relationship where she's the abusive sadist and I'm the masochist. She just tortures me, basically. That's what happens. My mother tortures me. Through verbal abuse - that's how she does it. She abuses me verbally, tells me what a loser I am, tells me in not so many words how I'm a burden, she treats me like I'm the bane of her existence. That's the story. I'm being verbally abused by my mother.

I Didn't Give The PROS Program A Fighting Chance

So I went to the PROS program today, and I'm not going to lie, I didn't even give it a fighting chance. I went in there, I took a look in the cafeteria, everybody appeared to be low-functioning. It appeared like the dookie bus in there, to be honest with you. Very similar to many mental health recovery groups I've gone to in the past. Just a lot of low-functioning people.

People say: you say you're so high-functioning for somebody with schizoaffective disorder, but look, these people are getting out, they're socially engaging, they're having jobs. I'm sitting in solitude. While these people might be low-functioning in terms of intellect, intelligence, and the ability to express themselves. I'm low-functioning in my social skills, indepence, and activities of daily living because I just sit in my room posting on social media solitary all day long. Don't get so frustrated and think I'm above the people at the PROS program, think I'm too good for the PROS program, and think I should be a millionaire movie star. Instead, go there, try to mingle, socially engage, and maybe I will meet somebody a lot like me. You never know. But I'm not going to meet anybody by sitting in my room.

I should be saying to myself: what the hell are you doing? You drove to the PROS program, took a look in the cafeteria - thought it was the dookie bus and they're all low-functioning - then left. I should've at least stayed for an hour. You know?

I SUSPECT

Someone said to me they suspect I haven't taken my medication in two weeks.

I told them: That's incorrect. But you can suspect it all you want.

I have lowered the Abilify from 10 mg to 5 mg for about four or five days now. But I'm still on the Abilify at the moment.

A suspicion isn't reality. Don't come to a feeling of conviction about what I suspect. If I ask them a question, like "was the HIV scare premeditated?" If they say "no." Don't SUSPECT they're lying. Believe them if they're trustworthy. Don't be so stuck in what I want to believe.

I often suspect there's a nefarious hidden reality. Don't daydream and start to believe my suspicions. Some things appear fishy. Accept things at face value. Don't try to discover the hidden reality like it's a puzzle. Maybe the simplest answer is the correct one.

Don't make accusations without evidence. You can suspect. But when you start to believe the suspicion - and don't believe their explanation - that's a delusion. Accusations of delusional beliefs will ruin even the most wholesome friendships.

I'm having a hard time TRUSTING PEOPLE. I don't take their word for it. I SUSPECT there was a conspiracy going on against me by a group of gang stalkers. No one has confirmed or corroborated this. Try to find somebody I GENUINELY TRUST. Someone honest with no hidden agenda.

Random nonsense happened to me. I stepped on debris then chose to take PrEP. If it wasn't the "HIV scare" my brain would make something else the issue. Stop coming to feelings conviction about SUSPICIONS. I don't want to end up in the psychiatric hospital for the billionth time.

Stop coming to a feeling of conviction that they did it to me until they officially confess. No one has, nor will they ever, because there's nothing for them to confess. Everything is as it appears to be at FACE VALUE. My mind is playing tricks on me. Catch it, check it, change it.

HIV Scare (04 15 2024)

Assuming the HIV "accident" was PREMEDITATED "revenge." They thought gaslighting me about HIV and me taking PrEP wouldn't be a big deal. After January 2020, I couldn't even leave the house without checking millions of times for hypodermic needles. It led to hospitalizations too.

If people conspired into giving me an HIV accident, help me get independent and develop a social life, but once I find love, have nothing to do with the people who did it to me - even if it's my parents and ex-girlfriend. The betrayal makes it difficult for me to trust anyone.

They say about what I'm alleging "Nothing could be further from the truth." I think they're lying. I think nefarious things were going on. But tell me - what's the truth about late 2019 / January 2020?

They say my parents and ex-girlfriend didn't give me the HIV accident intentionally. They're not sadistic monsters behind their masks . They say I'm doing a character assassination on them on social media. I think they did it intentionally, are lying, and want them to confess the truth.

I feel I was tortured by my parents. They don't explain to me why what I accuse them of is wrong - instead, they yell at me for getting feelings and suspicions. I think they're sadistic deceivers who were getting pleasure from my suffering. Tell me why this is not true.

God The Magic 8 Ball

When I don't know the answer to something, I used to ask the Magic 8-Ball, which is a website that gives you a random answer. Meaning, you ask it a question. And randomly says things like: “yes” or “no.” It's smart to base you decisions and feelings of conviction off of that.

But seriously, I often ask God, Elon Musk, or my ex-girlfriend (who I assume has me chipped with AI) questions and I look for signs for them to answer. 

1) Like if I here a creek in the floor that's a sign. 

2) Or I look at the clock from 1 - 10.

If the time ends in 1 that's a no, if it ends in 5 - that means kind of. If it ends in 0 that's a 10 and it means "yes". It's like an accurate magic 8 ball. 

I ask God: “is this going to happen?, “or is that going to happen”, “or will I get this”, etc… and he says to me, “yes or no.”

The most common question I ask him everyday is "was the HIV scare premediated?" "Are they lying?"

I used to ask him things regularly, like: “am I going to be rich and famous?” Then I’ll kick a rock (or drop a pen, etc). If it rolls back and forth that a “yes”, if it rolls side to side that’s a “no”.

I ask God all sorts of questions, and look for signs. Like 11:34 (the time is hell). Or if the sun is shining on me that’s good.

I realize many would say this borders on delusional thinking. But I think lots of people have faith in God.

I just asked the Magic 8 Ball: Should I? It answered: "yes!" 

Alright people, it looks like I'm going to Hawaii. See you in a few months. 

Haha, Seriously tho, I'm not going to Hawaii. :(

Many years ago, on September 18, 2018: I said to Dr. Garrett: "I was thinking I'm special and different. Then I noticed I was in train car 666. The devil's number. Maybe Satan was putting those grandiose thoughts in my head.

In God's eyes, no one's better than anyone else. We're all mortal.

I need to attend church again. God is What It Is!"

Dr. Garrett said on September 18, 2018: "Tere is a car 646 and a car 656 and a car 666, and so on.  Your being in the 666 car is the luck of the draw.  Not a message from God.  It is an idea of reference."

Olivia Rodrigo (04 14 2024)

I SUSPECT a woman I've been socializing with is Olivia Rodrigo undercover. She's misrepresenting herself as a woman from a suburban art class. Although there's a resemblance - don't come to a feeling of conviction it's Olivia Rodrigo I've been hanging out with. That's delusional.

ASSUMING the woman I'm  "friends" with is Olivia Rodrigo in disguise, why is she keeping me in the friend zone? Why doesn't she want to date me? Then I start the daydream my father has kept secret I have a half-sister - and that sister is Olivia Rodrigo. 3 Cs. Catch the daydream.

I daydreamed my ex-girlfriend from 2019 - 2021 is actually Yunjin Kim (Sun from Lost). Or maybe she's actually Chinese, not Korean and in her 20s. The daughter of a former New York Islanders owner. I'm losing touch with who she is. That's tragic. Bun Bun was a real world friend.

Don't daydream stories to make people "more interesting", especially when it comes to the people in talking about in this email, Not Olivia Rodrigo and Bun Bun. They're people who've been dealt difficult cards in life - just like me. Accept who they are at FACE VALUE.

Stop trying to discover a good hidden reality where they'll pull off the mask, say: "I'm your pop superstar soulmate." They'll rescue me from my sad and empty life and we'll live happily ever after. It's a suspicion I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about AKA delusions.

My mother said: "You WERE getting clear however YOU want AOT and to be controlled.  Since stopping 10mg ALReady your more delusional, confused, hostile, distracted and you ll be completely incoherent soon.  WE tried over and over and over but you choose maddness.  We all love you but how many times can we ride the hostle, cruel, erratic ride down into hell.  If you had taken injection MAYBE could have saved you from whsts coming.   Its heartbreaking........"

To contradict what my mother said, on the mega regimen of psychiatric medications, in 2017/2018, I believed Taylor Swift loved me and was my soulmate. I think the key to recovery is to socially engage, get independent, and meet a girlfriend - to get a life in the real world.

Pharmacological Abusers (04 13 2024)

Please tell me the truth. Do you think Kelly was gaslighting me into having an HIV scare in your opinion? Maybe even conspired with my parents? Or is it coming a feeling of conviction about what I suspect?

Tell me the truth was taking PrEP premeditated? They tell me no one had nefarious intentions to hurt me in 2019/2020. That's what I have to accept. Try not to see a hidden reality. Accept things at face value.

It's obvious there's a nefarious hidden reality about late 2019 / 2020. I want them to confess what it is. I suspect the reason they don't is because they're afraid it'll become a powder keg. It won't. All I want is for them to TELL ME THE TRUTH in a transparent way.

They tell me I'm delusional and I need to take my psychiatric medications AS PRESCRIBED. Otherwise, I'll wind up in the psychiatric hospital. No one was trying to hurt me in 2019/2020. No one has ever been a two-faced pharmacological abuser who was secretly trying to kill me.

Nobody has confessed or corroborated there's a hidden reality about the HIV scare. So until they do - believe face value, which is I stepped on something that no one placed and it was my choice to take HIV PrEP. Nothing nefarious was taking place. Catch it, check it, change it.

It's beyond MEDICAL NEGLIGENCE by Dr. Coplan it's criminal and the FBI should be contacted ASAP. I need to realize I'm getting an emotional tsunami and I need to take my medications. No one had nefarious intentions to kill me while PRETENDING to help me. My parents love me.

The reason I stopped taking abilify 10 mg is because I'm not delusional. I never, ever wanted to take psychiatric medications. I was FORCED. They're SADISTIC DECEIVERS. Monsters behind a mask who were torturing me.

Or am I really delusional. It's not corrosive control. They weren't trying to render me a vegetable, metaphorically rape me, or give me cancer. They're not sexual sadists. Resume my 10 mg TONIGHT. NO ONE HAD NEFARIOUS INTENTIONS.

I've calmed down. Let the emotional tsunami pass. Take the 10 mg of abilify as prescribed in front of my parents because I don't want to go to the psychiatric hospital. That's what I'm being threatened with. That place is barbaric and hell on earth. Comply with my medications.

My mother said: "YOU ARE DECENDING INTO MADDNESS ALREADY STOPPING 10MG. YOU CHOOSE HELL. WE HAVE ALL GIVEN UP BY YOUR CRUEL HORRID ABUSE OF US. GOOD LUCK IN HOSPITAL. YOUR ON YOUR WAY YOU SEE IT IN YOUR DELUSIONS ALREADY. ONLY YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF NOW.. ......."

My mother said: "THE ONLY WAY YOUR FAMILY CARES TO HELP YOU ANYMORE IS ON CAMERA U TAKE 10MG.   OTHERWISE HAVE A GOOD LIFE.  YOU WERE JUST STARTING TO HEAL.  YOU WILL DECEND ABUSING US ALL AS YOU CRASH.    DONE DONE  DONE.    I VE GIVEN UP MY LIFE TO TRY AND SAVE U AND YOU 20X SPIT IN MY FACE.    GOOD LUCK ON YOUR OWN BUT YOU YOU YOU CHOOSE IT.    HELL"

Dr. Coplan said: "Incoherent and hostile"

Paradise Studios (04 05 2024)

Paradise Studios (04 05 2024):

April 8, 2024

April 8, 2024:

April 12, 2024

April 12, 2024:

Bird Flew Across My Face, Bat

So I'll describe something to you that happened today that I'm a little worried about because I'm afraid of rabies.

There's a park down the block, I don't know what you'd classify them as, but there's bat "tree houses" or whatever. It attracts a lot of bats.

This morning, as I was leaving my apartment, a bird went flying rapidly past my face. I couldn't catch a glimpse if it was an ordinary bird or a bat. I felt the gust of wind brush across my face. That's how close it came to me. To my knowledge, it didn't scratch me and I didn't get any saliva in my eyes. This took place around 7 am if that matters. Would you be concerned about rabies?

Around July 2022, I got two doses of the rabies vaccine before I got fed up and was like: why am I doing this? I didn't complete the third and fourth dose. We did this because there was a bat in our house that was flying around. The bat came back negative for rabies, by the way.

Obviously, I don't want to get the third and fourth dose of the rabies vaccine, assuming that's still in my system... But I'm obviously concerned and I don't want to die. What do you think I should do - if anything? I'm ASSUMING it was a normal bird, not a bat - but I don't know that for a fact.

Psychiatric Medication, Freedom, Sex

I understand why my mother and father want me on a lot of psychiatric medication. However, the problem is having been involuntarily celibate for what feels like my whole life, and more recently, two and a half years now. Sitting in what feels like solitary confinement - alone.

It's easy to say "take your medicine." That's not the problem. The problem is I need independence, to socially engage, and to develop a life for myself. 

I have a hostilely dependent relationship with my parents. I've had enough. I want to make my own decisions. I want freedom.

I wish they'd let me live my own life. However, I just sit in solitude and post on social media when they don't intervene and leave me alone completely. I pour my life down the drain then blame my parents for not doing enough. If they intervene, I say they are too controlling.

Quite simply, what I'm crying out for is to be loved by a female romantic partner. I feel like I've been without that for my whole life. I'm tired of getting yelled at, treated like a burden, and the bane of my parents existence. Just LEAVE ME ALONE. 

Some say I have to work on myself and get well. Sex won't magically transform me into a happy and healthy person. The wrong relationship could make me even more depressed. The new potential girlfriend could get on my nerves - like my parents are all day, every single day now.

I want to be treated like an adult, not a low-functioning disabled adult-child. That said to me: my chains are internal, not maternal. It could be worse. I could be in a group home, homeless, or the psychiatric hospital. But it's certainly not "living the dream" my life right now.

Artwork (04 09 2024)

No Girlfriend Forever (04 09 2024):

Tell Me The Truth (04 09 2024):

No Freedom, No Money (04 09 2024):

Schizoaffective Disorder

I'm struggling with schizoaffective disorder. My posts stand out because they're especially disturbing. The disability lifestyle is hell on earth. People see I'm struggling and can't really help me. They send THOUGHTS and PRAYERS. But thoughts and prayers don't do much to help me.

I believe some of these people sincerely wish me the best. But I need a real intervention. Some people have it easier, it's really hard for me. I'm not really sure what the problem is. However, I think having no money is a big piece. Keep on fighting. I'll get tougher, and tougher.

I'm 36. A disabled adult. I'm single. I have no money. My parents control most of my money. I'm not sure if it's genetic or traumatic life experiences - I think it's trauma. Schizoaffective is like schizophrenia for those who don't understand.

I was severely bullied when I was younger, never developed my social skills, then spent a lot of time alone in my head in a daydreamland. I often can't distinguish fantasy from reality. My daydreams become reality. I come to feelings of conviction about what I suspect (DELUSIONS).

Right now, there's an illusion of protection. My mother is protecting me. But when she inevitably passes away I'll be screwed. I'll probably wind up in a group home, or assisted living, or the psychiatric hospital, or homeless if I don't become independent and self-sufficient.

Scapegoat

My family turned me into a scapegoat. Their blame wasn't justified. It wasn't correct. I wasn't the "monster" they were making me out to be. They blamed everything on me - justified or not. Unfortunately, my life is a nightmare and the scapegoat narrative doesn't work anymore.

Now we're trying to find the scapegoat as to why my life is a nightmare. There are a lot of problems like the bullies from middle school, my parents, Kelly, Dr. Coplan, Dr. Garrett, and so on. We find the sadistic persecutor soup du jour and blame everything on that one person.

The truth is shades of grey. There are a lot of problems with a lot of people. There's not one SATAN that everyone can turn into a scapegoat. It would be easier if there was. But the truth is there's a lot of problems with a lot of different people. There's not one single monster.

No one wants to take accountability and apologize for their part in the nightmare. Instead, they want to find a scapegoat to blame EVERYTHING on. It's just easier to say a single person is SATAN than to realize a lot of people made mistakes and to SINCERELY APOLOGIZE.

The same is true for me. Try not to find SATAN and HATE THE PERSON SEEKING REVENGE. Instead, take accountability for the mistakes I made and my part in this NIGHTMARE. I certainly made mistakes. Don't act like a self-righteous victim who everyone tortured and dehumanized.

Even if they were laughing at me while tarring and feathering me - try to focus on my role in this. 

But then again, would you blame a murder victim for getting shot during a home invasion. I WAS A VICTIM. 

Regardless, if they reveal the truth calmly handle it. Don't get angry.

Pink Floyd - Brain Damage

In honor of today's solar eclipse, Pink Floyd's "Brain Damage." Someone said they should put this song in The Joker movie. Another person said, they couldn't afford it. It's too good and real for The Batman. It's not a cheesy comic book movie.

HIV Scare (04 07 2024)

Was the HIV scare premeditated? Did people have nefarious intentions? I believe they did.

They say it was my fear that made me take PrEP. No one placed any debris.

Were they gaslighting me into being afraid of HIV in late 2019? Or was this fear all from me?

They said there was no plot against me. Maybe there was intermittent gaslighting? But blood work was shown during intimacy. They really weren't trying to cause an accident.

Even if going to the ER was my panic attack... Were they gaslighting me into being afraid of HIV?

Possibly inconsistent intermittent gaslighting, but I had a panic attack. It really was my decision to be afraid of HIV and to take PrEP. It is not revisionist history because of how badly it got for me. I didn't react in a rational way.

It was an unfortunate accident that really traumatised and affected me. But at least I know there was no betrayal from someone who I genuinely considered to be my friend. At least that part is a a relief.

Basically, how I "gaslit" myself into believing there's a nefarious hidden reality with the HIV scare, I need to "gaslight" myself into believing the whole thing was just an unfortunate accident that no one did to me with premeditated intent.

"Gaslight" might not be the right word. But I have to convince myself the truth - which is there was no plot to give me an HIV scare. I'm delusional.

I care about these people, they care about me, it's time to accept it and let it go. There's no betrayal at all.

The Truth (04 06 2024)

I said: "Can someone tell me the truth?"

My father said: "Once again:  while mom is away, I will be stopping over at "6:00" pm to watch you take your medicine. 6:00 pm."

I said: "I desire no relationship with you and never want to see you again in my life. Until you tell me the truth."

My father said: "You will see me every day at 6:00."

I said: "If you step foot on our property, I'll call the police on YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE."

I said to my father: "You have two options1) Either respect me enough to tell me the truth about EVERYTHING. 

2) Or respect my boundaries and disappear from my life for good."

My mother said: "Andrew.  Are you going to ruin my already shaky vacstion?   I gave dad permission to help out, visit dogs.  Etc.  Why are you starting now. Why?    Your agreement was for awhile to take meds not to go to hospital did u not?    If you want stay alone fine but you smashed walks again , stooped meds on verge 911.   Please just do this if you want to stay here so nobody has to worry........uvwant be alone fine just take meds.  We do so much for  you 500.00 we don t have to make you happy.   Come on"

I said to my mother: "Fine, I'll take the fucking meds in front of Dad while you're on vacation. But can you have him come over at 8 pm? And after open mic next Friday? Not at 6 pm? Then I'll have no relationship with him after next week"

Neurological Damage (04 06 2024)

I'm not saying people had nefarious intentions to render me a vegetable with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications. They're not pharmacological abusers and through Dr. Coplan wanted to "turn me into Syd Barrett." Intentions aside, I suspect it caused neurological damage.

I suspect I have significant neurological damage from Dr. Coplan's prescribed medications, the solitude, isolation, and so on. So I think it's important to make an appointment with a good neurologist as soon as possible... ASSUMING we can afford one.

Suspect is the keyword. It's me coming to a FEELING OF CONVICTION WITHOUT A MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS. I emotionally feel it's true, but no one has OFFICIALLY diagnosed me as having significant neurological damage. So at the moment, with no evidence, it appears to be hypochondriasis.

It goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate. Some people SUSPECT the way my mind works is simply environmental. Others suspect I was born this way, not deliberately damaged. And others feel it's a combination of all of the above. I have no evidence what the answer is.

On March 21, 2024: I asked Dr Garrett if he thought I have an autism diagnosis as well as schizoaffective? I also asked if he thought my problems are purely a product of my unpleasant middle school experience, and not genetic?

Dr. Garrett said (on March 21, 2024): "No you are not autistic.  Your middle school experience is important, but not the only factor."

I asked Dr. Garrett to elaborate by saying:

What is your rationale for feeling this way?

He has yet to do so, assuming he ever does.

Let's call a spade a spade, my mother (and possibly father) FORCED ME to take the mega regimen of psychiatric medications. But people say my mom has my best interest at heart. They don't blame her. She's not a SADISTIC MONSTER BEHIND A MASK who wanted to kill me. She loves me!

April 5, 2024

April 5, 2024: