2020 - Sad Year

Today during our art session, my mom created: "2020 - Sad Year." It's a woman who appears to be her with teardrops coming down her face. Don't teardrop tattoos mean you killed someone? Is my mom saying she metaphorically killed me? I realize she loves me and I'm delusional.

ISENTRESS and TRUVADA

I overreacted - there was nothing to worry about - but I was on ISENTRESS and TRUVADA for PrEP for a month back in January. Do these medications CAUSE HIV? Because I was practically a virgin, now I'm afraid I'm contaminated. I'm so traumatized by this. It was such a nightmare.

Dry Brain

I can just feel the brain cancer developing from the years of social isolation and frustration. My brain needs to feel good ASAP. "Dry brain" is excruciating and is more deadly than smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

Home Environment

My home environment was hostile and aggressive. I was passive-aggressive, internalizing. I was doomed and had nothing to lose, that's why I began letting out my rage online. Hopefully, it pays off in a positive way and they make the epic Hollywood movie. I can't take it anymore.

Volcano

December 24, 2020:

 

June 17, 2019:

August 10, 2018:

Contaminated with HIV

My door knob was wet and there was no rain. I grabbed it right where I had an open cut. I'm afraid somebody knew I was leaving and nefariously contaminated it with HIV. My fear is a psychopath will rob me of socialization and girlfriends for my whole life, I'll be alone forever.

Why I Went On HIV Meds

To be fair, the topic of HIV was already on my mind. When I told Dr. Natural I stepped on unknown debris he asked if it was a hypodermic needle. So at the hospital, I said it might've been a hypodermic needle (which it wasn't). Then I was on ISENTRESS and Truvada for a month.

HIV Meds

Prior to January 2020, I was a clean baby, practically a virgin. Sadly, I was so afraid of HIV that I went on ISENTRESS and Truvada for a month. Now I see there was nothing to worry about and I overreacted. I'm deathly afraid those meds CAUSED HIV, although I'm told they don't.

Public?

I made some delusional posts - which I believed at the time. I want to leave them public because they make profound points about mental illness. But I'm afraid my account will get suspended. Can someone give me some feedback? Take the leap of faith and leave them public?

IMPORTANT: The Torture Is Like The Holocaust

My mother is a sadistic puppet master who gets pleasure from ruining my life. The torture she inflicted on me was as bad as the holocaust. Assuming the sexual abuse "delusions" aren't true but they probably are, I was just brainwashed into believing it didn't happen... She deprived me of socialization, girlfriends, money - made me waste my best years. She metaphorically sexually abused me. She tortured me because she hates my biological father, I was just a pawn. I'm dependent on her at 33 years old and the illusion of security will shatter when she dies. I feel TRAPPED IN HELL. Somebody, help me. My entire life has been pain and suffering.

My Moms Colorings

 Cinderella:

Money:

Orphan Home (My Moms Coloring):

Mermaid (My Moms Coloring)

Christmas Elf (My Moms Coloring):

God And Satan (My Moms Coloring):

Puppet Show (My Moms Coloring):

2020 - Sad Year:

Reflection Of Perfection (My Moms Coloring):

Bullies

The childhood bullies traumatized me. They made me feel like a worthless loser. They're responsible for my mental illness and lost time. They're also responsible for my masochistic self-destruction. My middle and high school years truly ruined my life so far.

Art

Trapped And Helpless:

 Dry Brain:

Advice:

Delusional:

Trapped In Hell:

Become A Butterfly (End Dependence):

Delusions Of Love:

The Freak (My Artwork Done In Oil Pastels):

Hear Me (My Artwork Done In Oil Pastels):

Passive-Aggressive (Rage):

Volcano (12 24 2020):

Brain On Fire:

Help Me (In Hell):

Home Environment:

I'm The Girl:

Insane Asylum:

City (Nuclear Explosion):

Why God:

I Don't Feel Safe Anywhere:

Titanic Sinking:

Help Me:

I Want Freedom (Trapped!):

The Mask:

Two-Faced Mom:

Blend In (Help Me):

Brain

I get stress and frustration headaches from lack of socialization. I have for years. I'm certain it's not good or natural. I'm afraid it's going to result in cancer. My brain needs to feel happy ASAP.

Independence

I feel trapped, helpless without my mother. You know there's problems when you start thinking it'll be THE END when she passes. I need to prepare for independence. It's no longer a joke. I shouldn't feel comfortable - it's very serious. Nobody is going to help me. It'll be doom.

Secret Admirer

I'm convinced there's a secret admirer watching me. Please befriend me on social media so the chain reaction happens and I become rich and famous. DO IT NOW, PUPPET MASTER. Sadly, I'm broadcasting to no one. Nobodies out there. Leave the fantasy-land and enter the real world.

My Life

All I know is pain and suffering. In my childhood, I didn't have friends or girlfriends. Some say this is because I was severely bullied by the other kids. That's the trauma that injured my mind.

Then when I graduated high school, I went insane. I wasn't socializing. Was exercising all day long. This went on for about 5 years until I finally became delusional and had a psychotic break.

I lost my childhood, the twenties, and now the beginning of my thirties to mental illness.

There's no question my parents irritate me, especially when I wasn't working, had no friends, and was home ALL DAY LONG with an elderly couple for years. It wasn't a normal situation.

However, when I want someone to blame, I get delusional they were intentionally torturing me. Was my mom a sadistic puppet master who was intentionally sabotaging my life by depriving me of socialization and money? Then the delusions can escalate, maybe they tortured me to punish my biological father. I was just a pawn in their sick game.

I need to realize these are delusions. My mom isn't pretending to be a loving mother, but behind the mask, she's satan - who trying to make me waste my life, then she'll even torture me when she goes away because I have no money saved and the illusion of security will shatter.

I think she made the apartment and has been leaving me alone for the past year and a half because she realized problems were developing, she's trying to re-write history, erase the torture, she'll try to blame me.

Children blame their parents. Because my mom did everything for me, it's her fault that I'm a disabled man-child. The truth is, it's my responsibility to make myself a success. By blaming my mother I'm poring my life down the drain. I have to break free.

The truth is my mom is not preventing my friends from coming over. I feel like I'm wearing the crazy scarlet letter - that everyone views me in a critical way. For example, when I leave the house I feel like everybody looks at me like I'm a damaged freak. If I take a risk and try talking to women, I'm afraid they'll reject and bully me. I feel like I'm on stage like I'm walking on eggshells like there's a spotlight on me. Needless to say, that's not my mother. That's how my mind works.

I feel like my mother and father treat me like an annoyance. I want them to empathize with the hell I've gone through, and not view me as a burden.

My Art

My goal with my internet art is to go viral, a chain reaction happens, everyone jumps down the rabbit hole, then I’m as famous as The Beatles. Dr. Natural hypothesized my goal is to destroy the world, and I want vengeance. There’s no question when I go viral, I want to shame my parents and the bullies. I’m angry at capitalism and how the mentally ill are treated. I once joked I’m like Jesus Christ, dying for the sins of the planet, but I don’t think it’s entirely masochistic. It started out seeking riches and fame from my artwork, then I got ferocious. I was calmly seeking success, then when nothing happened I began screaming and shouting like a temper tantrum. Ideally, I want this to end well, with me becoming a Hollywood Superstar. A feel-good comedy, everyone smiles, and laughs. There’s no question that I hate my life so much, and now I just want change – hopefully, it has a happy ending. 

Not Contaminated

I'm not contaminated. Prior to around new years last year, I was a clean baby, practically a virgin. Then I had an OCD nervous breakdown, went on Isentress and Truvada. Those meds don't cause HIV, they prevent it. I'm traumatized myself. But I'm ok. Sorry this nightmare happened.

Tool (Maynard James Keenan) (My Coloeing) AND Coffee (My Moms Coloring)

Tool (Maynard James Keenan) (My Coloring):

Women:

Butterfly:

Happily Married:

Center of the Universe:

Ideas of Reference:

Rich And Famous:

Pop Superstars:

I Used To Have A Happier Energy:

Afraid To Take A Shot:

Therapist Is Like My Best Friend:

Bully Barista:

Ideas of Reference:

Rich And Famous:

Can Somebody Help Me Please?:

Internet Art:

Hungry:

Help Me:

Secret Admirer (Green Start Go Button):

Mother (When A Baby Is Hungry):

I've Wasted So Much Time:

Trapped And Helpless:

Coffee (My Moms Coloring):

2020 - Wasted Year (My Moms Coloring):

Astronaut Andrew (My Moms Coloring):

My Moms Coloring:

Pine Tree (My Moms Coloring):

The Hulk (My Moms Coloring):

Santa Claus (My Moms Coloring):

Winter (My Moms Coloring):

Time (My Moms Coloring):