Andrew (08 31 2021):
Tuesday, August 31, 2021
Monday, August 30, 2021
Some Posts (08/29/2021 and 08/30/2021)
August 29:
Post 01:
I'm in NYC, I was on the subway, I gripped the bar so I didn't fall over because there were no seats. My nails are bitten, low, irritated, and raw. Is this an HIV risk?
Post 02:
I'm in NYC, I'm touching everything. Then I used the restroom with just rinsing my hands because there was no soap. "Contaminated" water got on me. Is this an HIV risk?
Post 03:
In NYC, there was a mother with her children. Her son asked her (about me): "why does that man keep checking behind himself?" The mother frank and cruel said: "because he has mental problems."
With that said, I did step on debris on the way to Penn Station. Trying to let it go.
Post 04:
At Penn Station (NYC), there was a pen cap on the ground. I didn't know what it was. So I moved my face really close to the ground to inspect. Now I'm catastrophizing about having my face so close to the disgusting ground. Let it go. Everything's ok. I had a fun day. Don't worry.
August 30th:
Post 01:
At the gym, my shoe became untied during my workout. Because I hold the phone in my hand during my workout I placed it on the belt (the floor). I tied my shoe and began to hold my phone again, then it dawned on me everybody walks there with dirty shoes. Is this an HIV risk?
Post 02:
Then after touching the treadmill belt where everybody walks. After my workout, I sprayed the treadmill and wiped it with paper towel and cleaner. The wet, contaminated towel touched my nail, it started to sting. Remember you can't get HIV from surfaces and liquid kills it too.
Post 03:
I'm coming to a sad realization that most of my problems are because of my mother's abuse. Even if she wasn't intentionally inflicting horror, she 100% gets pleasure from my suffering - which I don't understand. I'm her son. It's twisted.
Post 04:
My mom isn't happy about my happiness. She's condescending about all my friends, tries to drive them all away, making me solitary. Basically, she tries to inflict horror and misery - even if it's not intentional. Sadly, I'm dependent on my abuser. I have been for years. It sucks.
Post 05:
I had no friends growing up. That was my mother's fault. Tonight, I was having a telephone conversation with her. She was condescending about the first real friends of my life and wasn't happy for my happiness. I was in such a good mood, then after talking to her I became angry.
Post 06:
Don't seek revenge on my mother for her torture. Let it go. Get friends, independence, make a life away from her. Stop being comfortable in this hellhole, become determined, and get far away from here... because she's not a nice person. I've wasted my life in hell. :(
Post 07:
I'm told life doesn't get much worse than what I lived through, but it could be worse right now. I could be homeless. Tonight, mom's insanity made me angry. Calm down. She's not the bane of my existence. Avoid her. She's not all bad. It's not black or white. Very shades of grey.
Post 08:
The really troubling thing to accept is I was going through hell. Instead of intervention and help, my mother got pleasure from my suffering, allowing it to go on. It feels like she intentionally tortured me. Maybe it wasn't INTENTIONAL, though. Maybe she wants the best for me.
Post 09:
Thank GOD I'm meeting amazing friends and getting a life. If it wasn't for these amazing friends and remaining dependent on my mother I'd be doomed. They saved my life. Because with my mother I'm imprisoned in hell, forced to pour my best years down the drain... don't get angry!
Post 10:
Be happy. Don't be miserable like CERTAIN PEOPLE. Appreciate people who TRULY love me. Thank God I'm finally getting friends and a life and my friends are to thank for this. Don't seek vengeance on the people I "hate", focus on the people I love, rid myself of THEM, move on.
Post 11:
I hate my parents. How sad is that? I hate them and want vengeance on them. I don't love them. I wish this would change, but every time I talk to my mother I'm passive, listen to her rant, then get so ANGRY. How can I have a loving relationship when she doesn't listen to me?
Saturday, August 28, 2021
Some Posts (08/27/2021 and 08/28/2021)
August 27:
Post 01:
At the gym today, I used the spray to clean the treadmill. I was gripping the bottle which everybody touches with their sweaty hands for a while. Then I left the gym without washing my hands. In my car, I wiped my face and rubbed my eyes with my contaminated hand. Any HIV risk?
Post 02:
I went to the doctor yesterday, they put this clip thing on my finger. I indicated I bite my nails. They sanitize it with alcohol after every patient. Call me crazy, but I think they may have been worried about me, but I was worried about myself getting contaminated with HIV.
Post 03:
I remember people were skeptical if I was actually creating my writing and artwork. I was very sick, shy, and dependent on my mom. What I was creating was brilliant. They assumed it wasn't me because I was wearing a mask of "stupidity." The truth is I'm creating with little help.
August 28:
Post 01:
Sometimes I convince myself that I have life-threatening illnesses. Cancer, heart attack, etc. The fear can become so real that it becomes real to me. Then I get sick to my stomach fearing death. The evidence is I'm healthy. Don't be a hypochondriac.
Post 02:
I'm ghosting a woman who blocked me months ago. I want to be her friend and interact with her, but also realize she's too young and doesn't have the life experiences I had. I need somebody who's experienced being broken at rock bottom, completely worthless for YEARS. I'm damaged.
Post 03:
I've experienced years of pain and suffering, feeling like a complete loser, with no point to my existence. Maybe I'm not as worthless, defective, and damaged as I think I am. Have confidence. I'm likeable and charming. My horror and lost time is so incredibly sad. :(
Post 04:
I must have PTSD. I've lived through unimaginable horror. There's a block party finishing up. I don't want to see the neighbors. Want to run from them. I hear them laughing, children playing, having fun. I'm the "scary", mentally ill, worthless, neighbor, they wish moved away. :(
Thursday, August 26, 2021
Some Posts (08 26 2021)
Post 01:
I used the bathroom. I'm very rough in there. I'm afraid I had open cuts. Then immediately after I went into a public doctor's office, had a seat in the waiting room where everyone sits. I had shorts on. Is this an HIV risk?
Post 02:
I was walking the boardwalk at the beach, feeling frustrated and down, then I saw a mother with her two small children, a boy and girl, about 5-years-old. The kids were smiling and ADORED their mother and the playful mom clearly loved them. It was wholesome and made me smile.
Post 03:
It seems like I always have a rapid heart rate after my dad leaves and I feel like I'm about to get a heart attack. Is it anxiety and there are no heart problems? Or is he poisoning me? Remember he loves me, there's no reason to poison me, he doesn't want to kill me in secret.
Post 04:
I'm afraid my dad is deceiving me. He's really a sadistic monster. His loving father image is a complete facade. The truth is he tortured me in my childhood. I'm afraid he's contaminating me with HIV behind my back.
There I go again. My dad loves me. He's not trying to kill me.
Post 05:
I posted almost the exact same thing yesterday, but here I go again... I bite my nails, they're raw, painful, like open cuts. I worked out at the gym. Touched everything at the gym... Including the sweaty treadmill, the spray to clean the treadmill. Is there any HIV risk here?
Post 06:
I'm coming to the realization the people who I thought were looking out for me and on my side were really preparing to sabotage me when I finally woke up. I foolishly trusted "the Nazis" because that's all I knew.
I'm not a sadistic monster like they are. I'll never turn evil.
Post 07:
I was a sweet, compassionate, happy kid. "The Nazis" resented this and tortured me to wipe the smile off my face. They wanted me to turn evil. They wanted me to come back with a vengeance. But no matter how badly they tortured me, I'll never turn into the monsters they are.
Post 08:
Remind myself I'm getting delusional. My mom and dad aren't "the Nazis." I was not sadistically tortured growing up, forced to live through unimaginable pain and suffering. What happened to me is extremely sad, but my parents love me, they weren't doing it to me intentionally.
Post 09:
To call my mom and dad "the Nazis" is not correct, Adolf Hitler was responsible for the genocide of millions, they're no Hitler. But calling them "Nazis" really illustrates the pain I went through and my feelings towards them because the Nazis are the worst people in history.
Wednesday, August 25, 2021
Some Posts (08/24/2021 and 08/25/2021)
August 24th:
Post 01:
We discovered whippets (huffing drug) in a pizzeria parking lot in Levittown. I parked on top of them, but didn't step on them. My BFF agreed it looked nefarious. I've been looking for it for months - finally found it. Ugh!
Let it go. I'm fine. It was probably some kids.
Post 02:
At the shopping mall, I saw a woman with a bloody leg. I got far away from her as quick as I could. Nothing to worry about. It was very unpleasant, though.
August 25th:
Post 01:
Medical "emergency" of the day. For weeks, maybe months, I have a pain while swallowing. It's probably from the acidic black coffee irritating my throat? Though I need my OMG caffeine in the morning so I'm not going to stop... But I'm afraid it's throat cancer. What should I do?
Post 02:
I bite my fingernails and bit one of my nails really low. It felt irritated, painful, and raw. I'm guessing it was like an open cut. I worked out at the gym. Touched everything. After my workout, I sprayed down the equipment that everybody touches with sweaty hands.. Don't worry!
Post 03:
Not to say my hypochondria will never come true, because my worst nightmares can come true, especially if it's cancer... But according to the best in the business at psychoanalysis, I felt bullied growing up and hypochondria is even my body's way of bullying me - by "killing me."
Post 04:
Dr. Natural is the best in the business when it comes to psychiatry, psychoanalysis, and CBT. He specializes in what I struggle with. I've made tremendous progress with him and it would be a tragedy to lose him as my doctor because 99.9% of doctors are inferior.
Post 05:
Dr. Natural said my parents could have bought me an expensive sports car with money they don't have. While that would look nice temporarily. Instead, they spent money they don't have on the best doctors in psychiatry... And it's going to make a tremendous difference in my life.
Post 06:
I can't leave the house without being terrified of sadistic monsters harming me. The kids at the coffee shop, gym, people at FH, friends, EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE.
I feel safe and protected at home with mom, but I'm pouring my life down the drain. The real world isn't that scary.
Post 07:
Bullies made me so terrified of the real world, so I wanted to stay at home "protected" by mom, but I'm wasting my life.
I lived in a daydream fantasyland online. If you had no socialization, job, or life... you'd need daydreams to comfort you from extreme sadness too.
Comedy College - Next-Door Neighbor
I'm going to be taking Comedy College in September for the second time. All new jokes. Can't wait. I prepared joke #2:
Next-Door Neighbor:
We have this nosy next-door neighbor. He's a man in his 40's, with a wife, and small children.. don't hate him. I'm indifferent, but also not warm to his presence.
I'm constantly making videos on the side of my house - comedy, acting, performance art. Plus I'm OCD walking, exercising ALL DAY LONG. It's abnormal.
Both he and his wife think I’m crazy. Whenever I see them, I have extreme self-consciousness, get panic attacks, act like a deer caught in headlights. I awkwardly ignore them, staying in a shell, while fast walking pretending they don’t exist - trying to run away. Other times, I give them the most awkward "hellos."
They view me like I’m this troubled, crazy guy. They talk to me all phony like they’re my friend, but I KNOW they likely negatively gossip about me behind closed doors. He might even be a little frightened of me.
I don't want to be bothered with him and he doesn't want to be bothered with me. I think we both wish the other would move away.
The first day he moved in, I was walking around the neighborhood drinking a juice box. I absent-mindedly littered on his property. I continued walking. He ran after me then tapped me on the back startling me. I screamed like a little girl thinking I was getting attacked. He told me please don't litter on his property. I apologized. Was embarrassed. Told him I'd never do it again.
Over time, we began to repair our relationship. I had an expensive computer delivery that he signed for. That was kind!
To be honest, he still kind of peeved me... One time I saw him yelling at the ice cream man. I thought to myself: "what type of hot-head yells at the ice cream man?" His body movements, body language, were that of someone who was angry. I heard him asking to speak to his employer. It got me thinking... "what could he possibly be yelling at the ice cream man about?" I'm ASSUMING he was rude to his kids or messed up their order... And why didn’t the ice cream man drive away? Really weird!
But the neighbors and I were cordial...
UNTIL ONE DAY, there was a major snowstorm.
We were using shovels to clear the snow because we didn’t have a snowblower. He saw this and used his snowblower to help us.
It was very nice of him. So as a “thank you” my stepdad bought munchkins (donuts) for him and his children. The neighbor wasn’t home when my stepdad brought the donuts over. So he brought them back to our house and they sat on our kitchen table.
I couldn’t help myself. I took a munchkin thinking it wouldn’t be noticeable. Then I took another, then another, then another, until I ate half the box… I began to realize: "uh oh I took one too many."
I was GOING to tell my stepdad to not bring it over because the box was half-eaten, I wanted to get him a new box, but before I could tell him… OH NO!
My stepdad didn't get the memo in time. He brought the half-eaten munchkin box over to the neighbor's house. My stepdad was unaware and STILL may not know.
As for the neighbor, during the next blizzard, he only plowed half of our driveway then left. My stepdad was confused - but I knew he was passive-aggressively holding a grudge over the munchkins.
____
UPDATE:
Just to make it clear: this is based on my PREVIOUS neighbors from my old hometown, not my current neighbors.
Tuesday, August 24, 2021
Sunday, August 22, 2021
Some Posts (08 22 2021)
Post 01:
Same OCD broken record, BUT my hair was wet from the rain outside. Before my treadmill workout, I went to the bathroom. I washed my hands, then turned off the "contaminated" sink. Water from outdoors dripped in my eye. I rubbed my eye with contaminated hand. Is there an HIV risk?
Post 02:
I think my HIV fear is part anxiety too. I had little socialization growing up. If I get HIV I'd be solitary, pain, and suffering forever - sometimes it's even a sadistic bully trying to "murder" me. I'm afraid HIV would mean never have a woman, family, independence, or life.
Post 03:
If I got money, independence, and a life my fear of HIV would likely get much better. It's a fear of no friends - complete solitude forever, and ever.
My worst nightmares came true. Life doesn't get much worse.
I'm told I'm not reckless. It's EXTREMELY UNLIKELY I'll get HIV.
Post 04:
I have a real lack of self-confidence when I'm around attractive women. I feel ashamed that I'm attracted to them, don't want them to know I'm getting these feelings, and feel they view me as a freak / loser.
The tuth is I'm charming, kind, and attractive. They probably like me.
Post 05:
I want to ferociously scream: "I'm not a worthless loser. See my worth. I'm a genius. An artistic gold mine."
I control my fury, bury it, remain passive, and comatose. I'm ready to EXPLODE! I'll show the world I'm a ROCKSTAR.
Mark my words: I'll be a millionaire soon.
Post 06:
I need to remind myself my parents weren't bullying me, keeping me passive and comatose... Until I finally had enough and had an explosion. They love me. They didn't want this horrific nightmare to happen to me. The sadistic persecutors were the bullies in middle and high school.
Post 07:
I lived through unimaginable pain and suffering. People tortured me, it caused my mental illness, but don't come back with a vengeance. Rage is unhealthy. Even comedy is unhealthy all the time. Feel sadness about what happened, and maybe even cry about it. It's okay to feel human.
Post 08:
Some people say CM Punk was the real him on AEW Rampage. Yes, CM Punk was honest and speaking from the heart. It wasn't phony... BUT anytime somebodies on TV they put on a little bit of a performance. He's in a wrestling ring, alone, in front of an audience, going on a rant...
Saturday, August 21, 2021
Friday, August 20, 2021
Artwork (08 20 2021)
Trapped (08 20 2021):
Monster Behind A Mask (08 20 2021):
Mr. Hollywood (08 20 2021):
I Walk On Water (08 20 2021):
Yahoo! They're Hot! (My Moms Coloring) (08 20 2021)
Yahoo! They're Hot! (My Moms Coloring) (08 20 2021):
Do I look like Kurt Cobain?
Do I look like Kurt Cobain (from Nirvana)? Stop daydreaming! For him to be my biological father, he'd be 19 or 20 years old in 1987, and my mom would be near 30 years old - NOT REAL! It would be nice to be a rockstar, the long-lost son of Kurt Cobain, chaos, but it's a delusion.
Psychiatric Medication
As you know, I'm on a lot of psychiatric medication:
Invega - 6 mg at night once a day.
Lamotrigine (Lamictal) - 125 mg once a day.
Latuda - 20 mg at night once a day - I just reduced it from 40 mg this week.
Xanax - .5 as needed. But I hardly ever take it.
Cabergoline - 2 mg weekly.
Levothyroxine (thyroid) - 75 mg (for thyroid adverse effects).
Ondansetron - 4mg at night (so not to throw up, Latuda/Invega adverse effect)
Rivastigmine - 1.5 mg twice a day (so 1.5 in morning, 1.5 at night) (for Memory/adverse effect), so 3 mg.
I'm supposed to start the Vraylar - 1.5 mg, but I'm feeling good the way I am right now. Being on three antipsychotics at once while I transition off the Latuda and Invega would be quite frustrating, to put it mildly. That's not counting mood stabilizers and meds for adverse side effects. I don't want to be on all these meds. Ideally, I'd like to come off all of them entirely.
For a decade now I felt like the entire pharmacy. It's HORRIBLE!
I've made tremendous progress in my recovery - independence, friends, CBT psychotherapy with Dr. Natural. Now my meds are the lowest they've been in years. I want to continue to lower them.
I'll talk to Dr. Natural about it Tuesday. But I want to be on the Latuda 20 mg WITHOUT starting the Vraylar and see how it goes.
I hope this is OK.
Thursday, August 19, 2021
Some Posts (08/18/2021 and 08/19/2021)
Post 01:
After complaining how there's no food in my apartment, my mom bought me a lot of food from the supermarket. I'll try to have self-control with the junk food - which is hard for me, I have to eat all the junk food in a day. I want to be fit, in shape. My meds already make it hard.
Post 02:
Since coming down on Latuda (from 40 mg to 20 mg), I feel less OCD, happier, more energetic. I need to watch the psychosis. But I swear these meds were doing more harm than good.
I'm going to significantly reduce the meds with my doctor with the goal of coming off them entirely.
Post 03:
I don't know why I get emotional every time I decrease the meds. It's like I'm chemically lobotomized. Now I'm coming back to life. Feeling human again.
Post 04:
I touched the gate to my apartment / backyard immediately after a sketchy landscaper did. I'm wondering if there was blood in his sweat. Then when I opened the gate, I bite my nails they're like open cuts - now I have HIV. Let it go, I didn't see any blood, everything's ok.
Post 05:
Yesterday I was sitting in a restaurant booth with friends. I considered my clothes dirty and contaminated. When I got home, I was tired, so I was laying on my bed. My shirt touched my pillow. I was too tired to wash it. I'm afraid there was HIV on my shirt, then it's on pillow.
Post 06:
I worked out with a slit-like cut on my hand. I touched the treadmill, spray bottle to clean the treadmill, door, basically I touched everything at the gym. I'm doing exposure therapy. There are people who get cuts on their hand then go to work in a hospital and don't worry.
Post 07:
About the monster behind a mask delusions. I think my dad has a mask of a loving father on, but that's a facade, behind it he's a sadistic monster. I'm afraid he's contaminating things in my bathroom when the door is closed. Today, I stepped in water he dripped with my sock. HIV?
Post 08:
Assuming my father's not a sadistic criminal, when I was creating my artwork today, I was extremely anxious because I was creating it beside him. He could see I was anxious. He was intentionally trying to inflict anxiety, make me walk on eggshells, make me panic. This is a fact!
Post 09:
My father often tries to steer my delusions in bad directions. For example, when I thought Vince McMahon was my biological father, he kept mentioning Syd Barrett over, and over again. He was trying to make me think Syd Barrett is my biological father.
Post 10:
I don't know the story behind Pink Floyd and Syd Barrett. I wasn't there.
There are conspiracy theories it was just mental illness, he abstained from drugs and was the main lyricist of the group in secret.
Some people think he was a massive drug addict.
Frankly, who cares?
Post 11:
I just brushed my teeth. My father was alone in my bathroom today. Could he have put HIV semen or blood on my toothbrush when the door was closed? I need to remind myself there I go again, he loves me, he's not trying to kill me.
Comedy College - Phone Book Jokes
I can't wait to take the comedy class for the second time. I'm going to prepare all new jokes. I already have joke #1 prepared:
Programming names into your cell phone can be quite a dramatic ordeal. How do you name people? It's so overwhelming I can barely function while doing it. (Sarcastic joke making fun of the following joke):
I have my mom and dad listed by their full name -
Mom - Christine North
Dad - Robert Koloski
Family members think that's weird. They should be listed as "Mom" and "Dad".
My parents are divorced. My dad has my mom listed as "Monster". My mom has my dad named "Asshole".
When you don't know somebody's last name - what do you do? I use the place I know them from as the last name in my phone book.
I met friends doing comedy. Their name is "Timothy Comedy" in my phone book.
A classmate from my college philosophy class was "Russell Philosophy."
Somebody I used to work with at Stop & Shop is "Michael Stop&Shop."
A woman from OkCupid internet dating is "Jenny OkCupid."
A hookup from tinder was "Samantha Tinder." Just kidding, even the promiscuous women on tinder are repulsed by me. No woman wants to have sex with me! I'm trying to make you think I'm a lady's man, though... She's ACTUALLY listed as "Samantha Rejected Me" and I have a devil icon next to her name. :(
I wonder what people have me listed as in their phone.
I daydream "Andrew Genius" or "Andrew Movie Star"...
But when I saw my buddies it's: "Andrew Crazy".
A fair-weather bully "friend" had me listed as: "Andrew Disabled"
"Andrew Unemployed"
Andrew "Man-Child",
"Andrew Not From This Planet"
"Andrew Doesn't Get Woman"
(the list can keep going, and going with horrible things)
Someday people won't see me as a worthless loser. I'll become a genius movie star.
Then I'll transition into a delusion of grandeur joke.
Tuesday, August 17, 2021
Biological Father And Unimaginable Holocausts-Like Torture
I'm a 34-year-old disabled adult-child. I have a hostile dependency on my mother. She yells at me for being a worthless loser, keeps me as a child. That's when the "delusions" begin. When I get angry, I FEEL my parents made me live through unimaginable Holocaust-like pain and suffering. Deprived of friendships, girlfriends, work, money, metaphorically chaining me to the chair, keeping me prisoner at home. I'm coming unglued from the years of HORROR! Now they're framing me to look like a madman, but they're the TRUE sadistic persecutors are MY PARENTS. The reason? My dad is not my real biological father, somebody successful is. They hurt me to hurt my REAL biological father. They're preparing for a supreme court case where they'll frame me to look not lucid, like a raving lunatic. I need to remind myself my parents love me - they aren't sadistic torturers.
I need to remind myself it's a delusion. The source of the frustration is dependency. So I should work on getting INDEPENDENT!
Art
Some people tell me my art is good enough to get published in a book. Do you know of any publishers? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Monday, August 16, 2021
Vince McMahon
Does anybody else think I look like Vince McMahon from the WWE? Obviously, he's much older than me, but do I look like I could be a relative of his? Or is this fantasy getting out of control? It'd be nice if a billionaire was my biological father - but it's a delusion.
Sunday, August 15, 2021
Artwork (08 15 2021)
Rags To Riches, Movie Star, Now Ladies Love Me (08 15 2021):
Insensitive Sense Of Humor (08 15 2021):
Acting And Comedy, Ryan Reynolds (08 15 2021):
Void Of Love, Need To Be Loved (08 15 2021):
Feel-Good Hollywood Movie, Unrealistic, Fairy Tales Don't Exist (08 15 2021):
My Moms Artwork (08 15 2021)
Sadistic Puppet Master, The Controller (My Moms Coloring) (08 15 2021):
Wild Horse (My Moms Coloring) (08 15 2021):
Saturday, August 14, 2021
HIV
I went to the bathroom at the gym, used the toilet because I'm afraid of urinal backsplash then HIV. There was toilet paper in the toilet but I didn't flush fearing HIV. Well, water splashed onto me and there was somebody else's toilet paper in there. I'm afraid I contracted HIV.
Everytime the irrational OCD fear of HIV creeps in remind myself HIV is very hard to contact. I'm not going to get HIV. The sadistic bullies aren't harming me anymore. Plus my fear of what HIV would mean - solitude and unimaginable pain and suffering - it came true.
Life doesn't get much worse than what I lived through. For all intents and purposes, it's only gonna get better from here.
HIV Posts (08 14 2021)
Post 01:
I'm so sorry for something that wasn't my fault. I'm sorry for HIV catastrophizing. I hope I didn't scare my BFF. I'm sorry it happened. Our friendship grew, and grew, and grew... She restored my faith in friendship. She's true blue. I completely trust her. She won't betray me.
Post 02:
When you're constantly obsessing about HIV it sounds scary and unpleasant. I can even scare myself. My BFF knows it's sickness. I'm not doing anything high-risk. I'm clean. I'm healthy. Don't be frightened. Everything's good. There is NO REASON to think I have HIV, none.
Friday, August 13, 2021
Some Posts (08 13 2021)
Post 01:
In the bathroom at the mall I slipped from water on the floor like it was an ice skating rink. It was kind of my fault to, because I was very fast walking. I caught myself before I fell. But noticed my shoe print from the sliding. I don't have to worry about HIV, right?
Post 02:
I used a bathroom a noticed there was a wet spot on my shorts before I began. I'm not sure if it was urine or water. It grossed me out. There I go again. Let it go. I'm not going to get HIV that way.
Post 03:
Somebody told me they were MMA fighting with somebody that was highly contagious. He didn't worry or get tested - was fine. My point is not to MMA fight with an HIV positive person. My point is to not worry so much because most people don't think twice about contamination fears.
Post 04:
I was upset dad shoved his shoes in my face the other day. I told him it bothered me. He was acting like a victim. I'm thinking to myself how did this turn into you are the victim. You insensitively shoved your shoes in my face to make a cruel joke. He acted like I'm wrong.
Post 05:
If you make an insensitive joke that upsets somebody, empathize with them, and give them a heartfelt apology. My dad wasn't empathetic that I get HIV contamination fears. When I brought to his attention shoving his shoes in my face upset me - he acted like it's wrong to be upset.
Post 06:
At the psychosocial clubhouse we were having a party. There was a really sharp knife on the table used for cutting cake. I made an insensitive joke about mentally ill people and a scary knife. I offended, upset, and scared somebody. Don't think he's wrong. Not funny. Apologize!
Post 07:
Is cancel culture and policing comedy wrong? Or are insensitive jokes wrong? I personally don't like HIV or cancer jokes. But there's shock jock comedians who constantly joke with gallows humor. If the joke's not on somebody in real life, like a bully, it's okay I guess.
Post 08:
Using comedy as an example... don't expect everybody to be exactly like you and to like what you find funny. There are some people who love juvenile, tasteless, dark, gallows humor - that's ok. They're people who like safe, corporate-friendly, unoffensive humor - that's ok too.
Post 09:
I'm extremely frustrated. I want to socialize, and not with "Squid" and "Yo Yo Yo" - I have no desire to hang out with them. I want a female friend. I have my BFF who I adore, I want to remain loyal to her, but I see her once a week and want to be around a woman constantly. Help!
Post 10:
I saw Free Guy with my dad today. In fact, I think we were at the first showing. The movie was a lot of fun and I enjoyed being with my dad. If you're looking for a light, funny, feel good, happy movie, then I highly recommend Free Guy. A good experience!
Post 11:
While I don't think Free Guy will put you in existential crisis and change your life, sometimes a mindless, happy, feel good movie with family is all you need. Ryan Reynolds' funny and charming. More importantly, seems like a nice guy. You don't need the Dark Side of the Moon.
Post 12:
Pink Floyd's "The Dark Side of the Moon" is a great album, well written, futuristic sounding, innovative, but you really need to be in a dark mood to listen to it. There's only so much Roger Waters self-pity you can take before putting on a feel-good, energetic, Queen album.
Post 13:
I had a cut/scratch on my back. Let it go. No psychopath jabbed me with an HIV-infected hypodermic needle when I didn't notice. There I go again with the irrational, OCD, contamination fear that there's a sadistic persecutor that wants to hurt me. Nobody is trying to kill me.
Thursday, August 12, 2021
Some Posts (08/11/2021 and 08/12/2021)
LAST NIGHT:
Post 01:
I'm afraid people think I'm a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath - which I'm NOT. I'm self-centered and have an insensitive sense of humor at times. Prior to getting sick I was the sweetest most empathetic kid. I feel damaged, colder, and harder, but I'm a good guy at heart.
Post 02:
I have experiences where people look at me like I'm a psychopath because I'm laughing at dark and inappropriate things. I'm self-centered and my empathy is warped. But they don't understand, have no idea what they're talking about, they're not my psychiatrist, don't diagnose me.
Post 03:
I'm sick, messed up, and recovering. Don't analyze me or look for a diagnosis unless you're my psychiatrist. Accept me as I am. Some people take life way too seriously and are easily offended by inappropriate jokes. I want to be liked, not viewed critically. I'm not evil.
TODAY:
Post 01:
I'm a germaphobe who's afraid of sadistic bullies. But like Kurt Cobain says, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you." The baristas are very careless with my coffee. They place my lid in unsanitary spots, dripped liquid in it. Let it go and drink it.
Post 02:
My fear is the baristas resent me. I'm not sure why. Maybe they're jealous that I'm going to be rich and famous soon. Maybe they're angry I asked them to remake my drink months ago. Or maybe they're doing nothing wrong and I'm afraid of the sadistic persecutor from my past.
Post 03:
I need to remind myself, even if the barista did have wet hands from water, and water dripped in my beverage... most likely it wasn't intentional. Just careless. The same is true for being careless with my lid. The kids aren't sadistic monsters, just overworked and stressed.
Post 04:
My thought process is I'm going to go from a worthless loser who lost his teenage years, 20s, and beginning of his 30s... To the most badass Rockstar that's ever existed. Rags to riches. I'm afraid some sadistic psychopath is going to poison me with HIV and ruin future fun.
Post 05:
I can't even go into the coffee shop in the morning without thinking the sadistic bully is trying to murder me. The baristas probably don't even notice me, are stressed about their job, forget about me as soon as I leave. The sadistic persecutors were the kids from school.
Post 06:
I had a zit in a sensitive area which hurt badly, so I just popped it. It started to really bleed.
I'm afraid my hands were contaminated from the outside world and I just put HIV into an open wound... But I know I washed them prior.
There I go again. You wouldn't worry. Right?
AFTER TODAY'S APPOINTMENT WITH DR. NATURAL:
Post 01:
For those who are wondering, I just had a session with Dr. Natural. He said I'm not a psychopath. I feel empathy. Though, I can be very insensitive. I'm self-centered, can be narcissistic, and selfish, but don't have Narcissistic personality disorder. Which is a good thing.
Post 02:
If I make an insensitive joke that offends somebody, try to empathize. Realize I upset them, not think stop being a pansy. I was upset when friends weren't empathetic about bullying causing my mental illness. They were like "man-up." It upset me and I can upset others. Apologize.
Post 03:
My doctor said I'm not going to get HIV. My worst nightmares came true - I was deprived of friendships, socialization, and a life, with people looking at me critically. I was at rock bottom. I'm still at rock bottom. He said life doesn't get much worse than what I lived through.
Post 04:
Some people, such as myself, are completely void of love for so long. They're crying out for somebody to love them. They pretend to be cold and inhuman, or mask it with insensitive comedy... What they really want is a hug and for somebody to TRULY care about them.
Post 05:
I feel undeserving of love and empathy. My entire life NEEDS to be pain and suffering and this will end with a self-inflicted masochistic crucifixion by the media... Or maybe this truly will end like a feel good Hollywood movie. Who am I kidding?! Nothing good ever happens.
Post 06:
Even if this does end like a feel-good Hollywood movie for me, for most people it doesn't. My movie would be sending an unrealistic message. For many it's endless tragedy that never ends with love and happiness. No wonder there's so much crime and mental illness in modern society.
Post 07:
I should stop being self-centered, crying about the pain I'm going through, and try to empathize with my friends from the psychosocial clubhouse community's pain. They have suffered tremendously. Don't whine about how bad my life is. It could be much worse.
Post 08:
I didn't sanitize my hands, had an open cut that I accidentally scratched after the gym. Like Dr Natural says: I'm not doing anything high risk. It's highly unlikely I'll get HIV. My fear of what HIV is has come true. It really doesn't get much worse than what I lived through.
Post 09:
I'm told I don't have narcissistic personality disorder. I'm not a sociopath or psychopath. The example used of an unempathetic narcissistic bully was Donald Trump.
Post 10:
Today is trash day. I bite my nails and today they were pretty sensitive. I guess you'd call it an open cut. When I grabbed the outside garbage can, it was soaking wet. I need to remind myself it was probably the sprinkler, not a sadistic persecutor contaminating it with HIV.
Post 11:
My dad jokingly made a comment about absentmindedly trusting someone as if they love you, are on your side, have your best interest in mind.
I'm naive, gullible, let my dad have power. Will there be a betrayal? Will he turn professional wrestling heel (nWo)? Or does he love me?
Post 12:
I'm afraid my dad is going to betray me in a sensational, over-the-top, professional wrestling-like swerve and heel turn. I need to remind myself he's not duping me. He loves me. There is no "loving parent facade" going on here. He's not a sadistic monster.
Post 13:
I'm afraid a powerful billionaire CEO is my REAL biological father. I'm just a pawn in my parent's sick game to hurt the CEO. When the supreme court case happens, they'll try to erase the sadistic torture, claiming I'm like "The Unabomber." The truth is I am the sweetest person.
Tuesday, August 10, 2021
Artwork (08 10 2021)
Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Sun (08 10 2021):
My BFF (08 10 2021):
Pouring My Life Down The Drain (08 10 2021):
Monday, August 9, 2021
It's No Delusion
It's no delusion. I was sadistically tortured by my mother. She puts on a facade in public, behind closed doors she's a sadistic monster who sabotaged my life. I suspect the reason is a powerful CEO is my biological father. My entire life has been unimaginable horror. Help me!
Mama and The Wildman videos
Mama and The Wildman videos:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUqU1JpO5Czq_ax6_SQWNku-dC43PBTWX
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