Telepathic (02 27 2022):
Contamination Fears (02 27 2022):
Sunday, February 27, 2022
Friday, February 25, 2022
Some Posts (02/24/2022 - 02/25/2022)
February 24, 2022:
Post 01:
Russia is invading the Ukraine. Is World War 3 likely? Or will Russia stop? We're screwed in NY if there's nuclear war. Do you think they'll be nuclear war? This is horrible news.
Post 02:
All drama aside, is World War 3 about to begin? I'm afraid war is coming and it's going to be ugly. I hope it doesn't turn nuclear and become the end of the world. This is starting to get very scary.
Post 03:
My mom said: "Honey Putin is a control freak and wants power not to end world. Money and power he isn t suicidal...hes a narcissist......so let it go enjoy and work on your life. Get out get busy. News is drama too so try and not watch at nite it winds us up. Ok honey"
February 25, 2022:
Post 01:
For the past several days, weeks, maybe even months, I was having difficulty breathing when I sat on my couch, smelled something intense, it was causing headaches. I was afraid it was a developing brain tumor. Turns out there was scented trash bags in recycle bin in front of me.
Post 02:
I moved my recycle bin with scented trash bags into the bathroom so it doesn't cause headaches and difficulty breathing anymore. In the future, I think it might be wise to get the UNSCENTED trash bags because I was being tortured and didn't know what the problem was.
Post 03:
My mother is never happy to talk with me. She treats me like an extreme disappointment, a burden, without love. The problem isn't me. I want a loving relationship. She's simply never happy. It feels like she's depriving me of love intentionally to torture me.
Post 04:
Stop trying to get my mother to empathize with me. She's practically told me she's a narcissist who likes power and control. She'll never empathize with the pain, suffering, and hell I lived through. End the dependency. Make a life for myself. My chains are internal, not maternal.
Post 05:
I feel like my mother intentionally and sadistically tortured me. She may have even been trying to kill me while pretending she wasn't through neglect. I'm fed up with the hostile dependency. I want revenge. Don't seek "war." That's what she wants. She's already miserable.
Post 06:
The sad realization I'm coming to is my mother is wearing a mask. She doesn't truly love me or have my best intentions in mind. Behind her mask, she's like the devil and was getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering.
Post 07:
My mother's loving mother facade is becoming obvious to me now. She's really a sadistic monster behind the mask. Still, around her, she continues to have the power since I'm dependent. I am passive, silent, and have to obey, and listen to her gaslighting me.
Green Bunny, Dr. Lab Coat (My Moms Coloring) (02 25 2022)
Green Bunny, Dr. Lab Coat (My Moms Coloring) (02 25 2022):
Thursday, February 24, 2022
Some Posts (02/16/2022 - 02/23/2022)
February 16, 2022:
Post 01:
I was working out on the treadmill. A man was running next to me, some guy had spray cleaner for his treadmill in front of me, and something got in my eye and stung. I'm afraid it was from somebody else and the fan blew it into my eye. Who knows what it was? These things happen.
February 18, 2022:
Post 01:
I have a tiny cut on my thumb. I'm not sure how it happened. Maybe from washing my hands too much? Or maybe I accidentally gave myself a cut by scratching myself with my fingernails. It's very minor, but it hurts and you can see redness. It's open and I'm afraid of contamination.
Post 02:
Don't worry about a minor, tiny cut on my thumb. It's not life-changing. My contamination fears are the same OCD broken record playing. THERE I GO AGAIN! Maybe spray some liquid bandage on it if I'm really worried, but it's nothing to worry about at all. There's no risk!
February 19, 2022:
Post 01:
I joked how I've been sleeping until noon every single day lately. To be fair, it's actually more around 11 am when I've been walking up, but by the time I drink my coffee and do my morning routine my day starts around noon.
Maybe I should make a conscious effort to change this?
Post 02:
I actually had a healthy sleeping schedule prior to 2 months ago, but I significantly reduced my medications with my doctors and that caused insomnia. So I began staying up later and waking up later.
Should I try to get a normal sleeping schedule?
Then again... Who cares?
Post 03:
Some people say to make a conscious effort to go to sleep around 10:00 p.m. and wake up around 9:00 am because it's more "normal." I've been living in a Fantasyland. I have no adult responsibilities, so I don't need a normal sleeping schedule. But do I want to be disconnected?
Post 04:
I think overalls are in style now. Lately, I see lots of people wearing them. They're making a comeback.
Overalls look cool, but I prefer wearing plain old jeans. Overalls are a bit uncomfortable.
February 21, 2022:
Post 01:
I want to come down on my meds even more, but I'm struggling with psychosis. Most of the time I'm fine. Usually negative interactions with my parents trigger psychosis. I'm afraid a slight reduction will send me over the edge. Or experiment with less meds and don't worry?
February 23, 2022:
Post 01:
I know they're people out there who get pleasure from my suffering. You can't even grasp the pain I'm going through. My brains on fire. It's tremendous pain. I desperately NEED socialization and love. Some might assume I'll be "just fine." I'm afraid stress is going to kill me.
Post 02:
It's a delusion. Nobody cares I exist. But if there was a monster out there who was watching me suffer from lack of socialization and they could put an end to it, why would I accept them in my life after they watched me waste my life in pain? Move on. Find somebody better.
Post 03:
Nobody is watching me suffer and getting pleasure from it. I'm in excruciating pain from lack of socialization. Unfortunately, I have no friends, nobody cares I exist. I daydream there's somebody who could save me and is sadistically not helping. The reality is there's nobody.
Post 04:
There are social opportunities I can take part in. Every single time it's me isolating myself. My chains are internal. Nobody is punishing me with solitude besides myself.
I just want independence, friends and a loving girlfriend so badly.
I deserve to have a real life.
Post 05:
I needed help, an intervention, and nobody came to rescue me. Instead, they watched me suffer and did nothing. I am in a tremendous amount of pain from the years of unimaginable suffering I lived through. I want to come unglued. I don't need "more meds." I need to be loved.
Tuesday, February 22, 2022
Dr Lab Coat (08 14 2018) AND Dr. Lab Coat (02 22 2022)
Dr Lab Coat (08 14 2018)
Dr. Lab Coat (02 22 2022):
Stony Brook Lawn (10 19 2013) AND Sit In The Back (10 20 2013)
Stony Brook Lawn (10 19 2013):
Sit In The Back (10 20 2013):
Sunday, February 20, 2022
Artwork (02 20 2022)
My Chains Are Internal, Not Maternal (02 20 2022):
I Will Be Loved, Not An Alien, Love Me (02 20 2022):
Saturday, February 19, 2022
Artwork (02 19 2022)
Sleep Schedule (02 19 2022):
Hostile Dependency (02 19 2022):
I Want Freedom (02 19 2022):
Friday, February 18, 2022
February 17, 2011 (Roughly 11 years ago today)
February 17, 2011.
These photos are from when I was in and out of the psychiatric hospital.
In these photos, I THOUGHT I was dying and was waving goodbye to the world.
Roughly 11 years ago today.
Thursday, February 17, 2022
My Dentist Was Arrested
My mother told me my dentist, who I only went to once about a year ago, was arrested for weapons charges and might face serious jail time. He's older and his freedom and life as he knows it might be over.
It's very scary and I wish she never told me because it triggered contamination fears. Do you think I'm at risk for having used him? Do you think he'd intentionally infect me with HIV?
She says it's nothing to worry about. I guess she's right. What would his motivation be to murder me with HIV?
Although when I used him my contamination fears were strong and I was questioning him about his cleanliness which clearly peeved him. Still, I was only there once. To him, I was just a random patient. Some members of our family use him. He had many customers.
My mother feels bad for him. He's not a sadistic monster.
Still, when people have nothing to lose, are desperate, and they know their life is over they're capable of anything.
Tuesday, February 15, 2022
Some Posts (02/14/2022 and 02/15/2022)
February 14, 2022:
Post 01:
As I was walking towards the front door of the gym in the cold, I stepped on this plastic, tiny, empty, alcohol shot container that was littered in the parking lot. It didn't go through my shoe. It's a 0% contamination risk. Nothing to worry about... Right?
February 15, 2022:
Post 01:
My father tried claiming I have multiple personalities through a metaphor. Don't let his stupidity get me upset. It's been determined in therapy I put on performances on social media, but I don't have multiple personalities or a split personality. I have schizoaffective disorder.
Post 02:
I just bought groceries from Stop & Shop with my mom. She's INTENTIONALLY causing anxiety, trying to make me appear low functioning, like buying groceries is the most complicated thing in the world... But why is she sabotaging me? I have "delusional" theories. Gaslighting?!
Post 03:
Why would my mother want to keep me as a low functioning, disabled adult child? It's just financially burdening her. The more likely reason why she is making me unconfident in the supermarket is she likes power and control. It's not her intentionally torturing me.
Post 04:
I know it's OCD contamination fears, there I go again, a broken record... But I dropped milk on the ground at the supermarket by the registers where everybody walks with their shoes then picked it up with my hands. The floor is dirty, but this is not how you get HIV. I'm fine.
Post 05:
Touching the dirty public floor at a supermarket is not how you get contaminated with HIV. There was no pool of fresh blood that I just stuck my hands into. That's the only way I'd get contaminated. It's unpleasant, dirty, but there is no risk here. FIGHT OFF THE OCD!
Post 06:
I realize it's the same OCD HIV contamination fear, just a new scenario. I touched the spray cleaner, treadmill, lots of stuff at the gym. When I got home, I took off my socks and noticed I had a hangnail on my toe that pealed back into a cut. I touched it with unwashed hands.
Post 07:
Basically my question: if I didn't wash my hands after the gym. Then I get home, pealed my toenail/hangnail, and there was an open-cut. If you touch an open cut with dirty gym hands can you get contaminated with HIV? No, my hands would need to be covered in HIV blood. Right?
Post 08:
Even though I touched EVERYTHING DIRTY at the gym then an open, bleeding cut on my body? Still no chance of contamination?
So many people are getting annoyed by my OCD. I wish they'd be empathetic and understanding. Contamination fears torture me. I'm asking to calm myself down.
Post 09:
I am VERY FRUSTRATED. Just to repeat in case you haven't heard me the first billion times, I haven't had much experience with women and I've been solitary for MONTHS, not interacting with anybody besides my parents, and I'm so FRUSTRATED and HUNGRY. I want to cuddle with a woman.
Post 10:
My chains are internal, not maternal. My mother isn't torturing me. But my parents don't exactly comfort my social HUNGER and NEED for women. They treat me like a burden, child, call me a loser, and trigger poor mental health. If I "ate dinner" maybe I'd appreciate mommy.
Post 11:
I don't have much experience with women, I desire to be with a woman - it's all I want! I want to SCREAM and SHOUT to cuddle with women. My parents aren't empathetic. In fact, I feel they like my suffering. They treat me like a child, a burden like having power and control.
Sunday, February 13, 2022
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