Artwork (07 31 2021)

HIV (07 31 2021):

Sadistic Persecutors - The Bullies (07 31 2021):

Contrasting (07 31 2021):

Vision (My Dads Coloring) (07 31 2021)

Vision (My Dads Coloring) (07 31 2021):

Artwork (07 30 2021)

Contrasting (07 30 2021):

HIV (07 30 2021):

Help (07 30 2021):

Our Golden Boy (My Moms Coloring) (07 30 2021)

Our Golden Boy (My Moms Coloring) (07 30 2021):

HIV NYC

I was walking around New York City yesterday. It was a fun day, but there were places that smelled like urine, stepped on lots of disgusting things while walking around. Then when I got home there was no Lysol to disinfect the bottoms of my shoes, but I still had to dig the rocks out of the cracks in my shoes to make sure they weren't hypodermic needles stuck in there. It's OCD. I'm catastrophizing can you get HIV from touching the bottoms of your shoes? I didn't touch them. A pen did.

Basically, what the hell am I doing? Don't touch your shoes. Put them away. But I'm so OCD about hypodermic needles that I have to make sure there are no hypodermic needles in my shoes. How ironic would it be I infected myself with HIV by irrationally trying to make sure I don't catch HIV.

This OCD really is nightmarish torture. AHHHHHH!

I'm told by Dr. Natural my fear of HIV is a fear of solitude and no friends for my whole life. I'm not sick - but the isolation came true for me. I was deprived of socialization in my childhood and early adulthood. I had no life. If I contracted HIV, I fear nobody would want to be my friend and nobody would want to date me. I'd be alone forever.

First off, worst-case scenario, if I did contract HIV (which I don't have), you can live a relatively normal life in 2021, and I could even date an HIV-positive woman. 

Also, fearing a psychopath placed a hypodermic needle on my walking route is a result of getting bullied in middle and high school by sadistic persecutors and feeling unsafe. There is this MONSTER who wants to rob me of friendship and life - maybe even trying to murder me.

With all these terrors in the real world, no wonder I want to stay at home safely and sound protected by mommy.

Childhood Bully, Bunny, BFF

I might've seen one of the childhood bullies at the gym, maybe not. Regardless, I was feeling badly coming home - hurt, not wanting any friends, hard like an inhuman android. Then I saw an adorable bunny cross the street. It reminded me that my BFF is a bunny. Then I saw her text. She called me "bunny." It had to be a message from God, or maybe not if you don't believe. I must never take her friendship for granted or lose sight that she loves me because I have a true blue, loyal softy on my team.

Artwork (07 28 2021)

Rage And Social Media Posts (07 28 2021):

So Damn Sexy (07 28 2021):

Wats 4 Dinner? (My Dads Coloring) (07 28 2021)

Wats 4 Dinner? (My Dads Coloring) (07 28 2021):

I was at the gym with an open cut on my hand

This morning I scraped my hand against a wall as I was entering another room. I started bleeding, so I was wearing a bandaid all day long. Later in the day, I worked out at the gym, the bandaid came off. I also sprayed down the equipment. The cut didn't look deep, but it was glazed and gooey-looking. Do I have to worry about anything like HIV getting into the cut? 

Andrew (07 27 2021)

 

Artwork (07 27 2021)

Bullies (07 27 2021):

RAGE, Can't Cry (07 27 2021):

Abusive Mom, Then Movie Star

Is my mom just mentally ill and doesn't realize she's abusive to me while I internalize (am passive)? Or is she INTENTIONALLY torturing me? Either way, stop depending on her and make myself successful. That's exactly what I'm doing with my social media posts. It's no delusion, pretty soon I'm going to be a badass iconic movie star. Instantaneous riches and fame. Rags to riches. People tell me it's delusions of grandeur. An unrealistic pipe dream. Well, I'm going to keep screaming, and screaming, and SCREAMING until my dreams become a reality. Am I trying to summon lighting to destroy the house (destruction)? I want to shame my mom for the YEARS of pain and suffering I lived through (whether I'm right or wrong, I blame her for it). Ultimately, I want to be a millionaire, maybe even a BILLIONAIRE, not to masochistically get crucified by the media.

Happy Birthday (07 25 2021)

Happy Birthday (07 25 2021):

The Birthday Album

The Birthday Album:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/K149Dts5BLWKt9od9

The "Andrew Charm"

Confidence is key. I lack confidence, have bad anxiety, but can turn on the "Andrew charm" when I get comfortable. The ladies love the "Andrew charm." Have "Andrew charm" 24/7. Easier said than done, especially when you don't know somebody yet.

Positive energy attracts people. You gotta think: "I rock and roll. Anybody who doesn't know me is missing out."

I've been anxious, a zombie, walking on eggshells in public. Nobody wants to be your friend.

But if you turn on the "Andrew charm" everybody wants to be your friend.

Happy Birthday To All!

Today is my 34th birthday, one of the first drawings, colorings, artwork I did in August 2018... 

Happy Birthday To All!

The moral of the story is practice, have fun, and you'll improve. There was a first time Michel Phelps jumped in the pool, didn't know how to swim (beginner).

____

2021:

My Dads Coloring:

Montauk (07 24 2021)

• Montauk (07 24 2021)
• https://photos.app.goo.gl/X37DAD6noMQTrtQNA

HIV, Isentress and Truvada, Doug Hopkins, Gin Blossoms

I'm told by the best in the business at CBT and psychoanalysis my fear of HIV is really a horrifying fear of a sadistic monster trying to murder me. Yes, it's my mental illness... but it's also a result of getting bullied by kids in my childhood.

I fear if I had HIV I'd have no friends, girlfriends, would be alone forever. In a way, that nightmare came true. I wasn't sick with HIV, but I had no friends growing up.

I always had a fear of HIV. I remember getting tested in my childhood, freaking out about it when I had my psychotic break in 2011... But I'm going to talk about 2019 - 2021 (present-day).

In July 2019, I moved into an apartment alone - no longer protected by mommy.

Then a met a friend who is my BFF - I was afraid she was deceiving me and was really a sadistic monster (wearing a loving mask). After having a panic attack about this friend, I stepped on some debris at a lounge. Then later that day, my mom took me to the Emergency Room. Due to an overreaction, I went on Isentress and Truvada for a month. Yes, I should've known better, but it's still sad, and now I feel corrupted.

It's like the Gin Blossoms. They kicked Doug Hopkins out of the band, made him sign over his writing credit, they became famous with the songs he wrote. They were dealing with a mentally unstable man and he killed himself.

I was sick and AFRAID of contamination. I wasn't committing suicide, but it was a perfect storm.

Now I'm traumatized, and the sadistic monster broken record plays again, and again, and again.

Help me!

HIV

I did the abdominal crunch machine at the gym because I'm getting a slight belly. As I workout, I was wearing a tank top and my skin was touching the equipment. Now I'm catastrophizing - HIV! There I go again. You can't get HIV from sweat or surfaces. I'm fine. Let it go.

Artwork (07 22 2021)

Millionaire (Mansion) (07 22 2021):

Mr. Hollywood (Yhat) (07 22 2021):

Olden Days (My Dads Coloring) (07 22 2021)

Olden Days (My Dads Coloring) (07 22 2021):

Early Birthday (07 21 2021)

 

Andrew (07 20 2021)

 

Andrew (07 21 2021)

 

Mom's Moods

I'm coming to the realization I'm not the sick one - at least not the aggressively sick one. I became sick from remaining passive and internalizing her abuse. When my mother is in one of her elevated moods she screams, and screams at me, tries to incite me to react destructively.

Screaming Mom

When mom is upset she just screams and screams at me. It's abusive and not good for my mental health.

I'm passive, say nothing. Then when I finally have enough of getting screamed at and assert "ENOUGH!" She accuses me of screaming.

Sometimes she really is the problem. Nobody is trying to fight except her. I just want to calm her down and get away from her when she's in these moods. Very frustrating. 

Nobody likes getting screamed at. Then what am I supposed to do with that internalized pent-up frustrations? I can't punch a wall or smash something again, so I make videos, then get yelled at for making videos.

Artwork (07 18 2021)

 Frustration:

Revenge:

Blood Test:

What I Am - an artist who suffers from Schizoaffective Disorder

I'm a 33-year-old adult child, who lives at home with his parents. I'm financially dependent on them. They're getting older and when they no longer take care of me I'm in store for doom.

Thankfully, I plan to become super-rich and famous very soon as an artist, actor, and comedian.

My doctors tell me a "rags to riches" instantaneous transformation from a viral social media post, starting a chain reaction, everything goes viral, I become as famous as The Beatles... is an unrealistic pipe dream, live in the real world.

There's no undercover celebrity secret admirer, major motion picture company, or soulmate woman that's waiting until I get well before we make an epic movie.

I suffer from severe mental health challenges. My diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder. It's been debilitating, has affected my entire life.

I became very sick in my college years. Though, I eventually graduated with a BS in business, minor in Media Arts, specializing in marketing.

I've never worked full time and haven't worked any job since 2011.

I'm more proud of my social media posts than my college achievements.

I was severely bullied in middle and high school. This trauma affected my social development. You can make the argument it even caused my mental illness. Though, there are other factors as well.

Due to lack of socialization in my teenage years, 20s, and beginning of 30s... I began to live in a fantasy daydream world. A delusional land to comfort from extreme sadness. But a daydream world won't protect me from reality and the clock keeps ticking.

I attend the Fountain House in New York City which is a psychosocial clubhouse for the mentally ill. I've met some of the best friends of my life there, have made socialization progress, and I'm beginning to leave my daydream world.

Socialization is more effective than any psychiatric medication because it gives me self-esteem in the real world and I no longer need the daydreams to comfort my sadness and absence.

Mother is a torturer

I'm coming to the realization my mother really is a sadistic torturer. Saying it's "delusional" is her gaslighting. She screams at me to inflict anxiety, treats me like a worthless child, and I say nothing. She makes me so terrified of the world I don't even know how to function.

____

Dr Natural said:

"Andrew

Will you never tire of your "my mother is Hitler" theory of life?  

Your anxiety relating to the comedy competition is real life honestly come by anxiety that has nothing to do with your mother."

____

My Reply:

I blame my real world anxiety on my mother, thinking she intentionally inflicted my mental illness, sabotaging my life through torture. This might be "delusional." I'm anxious in the real world and have no social skills. So I isolate and am solitary. 

When my mom is high energy and yells at me then I become angry. I feel like a dependent adult child, can't assert myself, so I throw temper tantrums on social media. Everybody can irritate each other, especially on hot days.

Yes, I needed an intervention and my mom was neglectful. I wasted my best years sick. Remember that my family loves me, my mother is NOT Freddy Krueger. I could have it much worse, could be homeless.

Don't let one bad real world experience make me hide from the world, even the best comedians have bad nights occasionally. Though, the problem was my social skills "backstage", not the performance itself. The performance was good. 

At the psychosocial clubhouse I'm too high functioning. Around "normal" people I'm a mentally ill freak. I don't relate to anybody or anything.

Andrew (07 17 2021)

 

Andrew (07 16 2021)

Andrew (07 16 2021)

Artwork (07 16 2021)

The Carrot Couple (07 16 2021):

Life Seemed Magical, No Hope (07 16 2021):

My Dads Coloring (07 16 2021)

My Dads Coloring (07 16 2021):

Gonna Quit Comedy Clubs

Last night I had my third comedy performance in front of an audience. The first two were related to a class, it was more of a coddling environment. This one was a real-world performance. A competition to see who the best comedian was.

The performance itself wasn't horrible, but it also wasn't great. My stepdad said the audience was older. My jokes weren't connecting with them. It wasn't a home run like the first night with the class.

But the biggest problem was socializing with my peers at the show. I don't know how to make small talk, feel like everybody's looking at me critically, so I stand there like a deer caught in headlights, getting bad panic attacks, and almost have no desire to interact because I feel like they don't understand and I'm too advanced. So rather than stand around waiting for performer after performer to go, wanting to run away... I decided to just leave the show.

Not sure if I won, I don't even care. I'm starting to think comedy clubs aren't for me. But I do love comedy, don't let one bad night get me down.

Around intelligent "normal people", I'm disconnected from them. In recovery groups, I'm too high functioning and don't relate. Rather than say I lack social skills, I'm going to say I'm functioning on a higher cosmic level and there's no place for me on Planet Earth. Lol.

The psychosocial clubhouse llama

The psychosocial clubhouse llama: