Convience Store

 Convience Store:

Justin Beiber - Lonely

 Justin Beiber - Lonely:

Banana

After the gym, as I was entering my car, I stepped on a decaying banana. I became afraid someone was nefariously trying to sabotage me with HIV (and a hypodermic needle was hidden inside). I need to realize it was just a banana peel. My thoughts are the same absurd broken record.

The Incredible Hulk

 The Incredible Hulk:

Mom

 Mom:

Dr. Natural

I'm not sure why my mother controls my disability money, does my insurance, etc - I'm capable. Lately, she's been claiming she's having problems with Dr. Natural's bills. Dr. Natural is the best in the business. Is my mom sabotaging it and she doesn't want me to see him anymore?

Mom

 Mom:

Borat (My Dad)

My dad was saying Borat's like a sensational wrestling character. Meaning, Borat's entirely fictional. My fears there's going to be an upcoming court case and my dad's going to claim what I'm posting is entirely made up. Is it even possible to make up what I've posted?

Dr. Phil - Bird Poop

 Dr. Phil - Bird Poop:

Bird Poop

While walking around the neighborhood, a bird pooped on my hand from the sky. Not only did it get on my hand, I also scratched it and it got under my fingernail. Needless to say, the catastrophe boils down to fear of contracting HIV and having no friends for the rest of my life.  

Best Friend

Best Friend:

Do I have to say it in German? French? Spanish? How much more crystal clear does this have to be?

Nefarious Mom And Dad

I was sitting outside with my mom, dad (Bob Koloski), and stepdad. My mom and dad were talking to each other, over our heads, making fun of us. My stepdad is simple and oblivious. My Mom and Dad are wearing an innocent mask, pretending to care, behind it they're nefarious.

Dr. Phil

 Dr. Phil:

Dad (Old Days)

This drawing titled "Dad (Old Days)" is reminiscing about a happy childhood prior to the divorce and entering Middle School.

Delusional Mood Swings

 Delusional Mood Swings:

Disturbed

Disturbed does a cover of Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence. After hearing that, somebody assumed Disturbed was a classy band. They said, "I like this Disturbed." Don't go any deeper than that. They're the Down With The Sickness band. Lol.

I Want Change

 I Want Change:

Betrayal From A Friend I Love

I met a friend at the psychosocial clubhouse. She's the best friend I've ever had in my life. I don't think they'll ever be a betrayal where she turns evil on me. But when panic overtakes me I become sick to my stomach that she's deceiving me.

She's teaching me to love again. I trust her more than anyone. In the beginning, I'd occasionally become afraid she's nefarious - is secretly a sadistic bully that wants to break me. These delusional mood swings could happen rapidly. It could be a small comment that triggered it. I needed to remind myself: there I go again. It's a broken record.

Thankfully, I'm starting to really trust this friend. Once in awhile the thoughts will pop up, but I fight them off quickly. I don't think she'd ever harm me. She's a loyal and loving friend. I'm just so afraid of betrayal from somebody I love. Could the root cause be a childhood friend who started bullying me because I was unpopular now at school? Basically, having no friends, feeling worthless, and somebody you once cared for bullying you.

I'm Not Ok

Somebody asked how I am doing at the coffee shop. I said with a smile that "I'm doing ok."

My mom asked, I said: "I'm doing ok."

Through emails people ask, I say: "I'm doing ok."

Isn't that the biggest lie we say? It's just easier than writing an essay about how I'm not ok.

I Don't Care

 I Don't Care:

2Pac and Biggie Smalls

I'm convinced 2Pac and Biggie Smalls were friends. The East Coast / West Coast rivalry was manufactured to sell rap records. I don't know if they had masochistic death wishes - but they riled up the fans and got murdered. It's a bit like taking professional wrestling too far.

My dad brought up the rap rivalry and I posted my theory that it's manufactured. I'm beginning to fear he intentionally duped me into posting that because we're going to have a court battle in the near future. Many of my posts are sensational, but many are literal cries for help.

Girlfriend

 This one's called "Girlfriend":

I was very disappointed and messed up several times. I was going to discard it but decided to post it. Keep in mind, it's not my best work.

Syd Barrett

It's that time again for the "my parents tortured me because Syd Barrett is my biological father" delusion. Yes, I look a lot like him, but as my doctor said "this doesn't prove a blood tie." Fame through linage would be nice, but it's just a fantasy.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/CVkTketH9oCDb56f7

Home

 Home:

Injured My Mind

I was reading Dr Naturals book. Everybody's mind is different and we break differently. They're people who get severely bullied who never become psychotic. When a person injures their leg they walk with a limp. The kids in middle and high school injured my mind then I became ill.

About New Years

About New Years, I went to a beautiful lounge in New York City. I stepped on a nail, or a screw, some harmless debris. It definitely wasn't a hypodermic needle. I overreacted and went on the Isentress and Truvada for a month. I feel bad because I like and had fun at the lounge.

Syd Barrett (Probably Delusional)

Everybody tells me the following is delusional, but I'm going to post it anyway because it gives great insight into mental illness.

____

There's no denying I was severely bullied in middle and high school. Developed a severe mental illness. Lost a lot of time socially isolated.

When I get overtaken with emotion I think my mom and dad intentionally sabotaged my life. They're sadistic puppet masters who wanted to break me. She tortured me by telling me I'm a worthless loser. Depriving me of power and control. Depriving me of friendships, girlfriends, money, making me a dependent man-child.

When I had a nervous breakdown, they pretended to be loving parents. But they're wearing a mask. Behind it, they're the devil.

I suspect the reason: Syd Barrett is my biological father. Basically, Syd Barrett's "Pink Floyd image" was fake. He had Schizophrenia but wasn't a damaged mind. He's really an arrogant man.  

He returned to Pink Floyd with a vengeance and was the main lyricist behind Dark Side of the Moon, Wish You Were Here, and The Wall. This was in secret because he couldn't handle the fame and spotlight, he was being protected.

Think about it, losing time, blurring fantasy and reality, getting bullied in school, overbearing mother, getting sick - it's SYD BARRETT.

My parents met Syd Barrett. When my mom tried telling him he had a son (me), they didn't validate it or believe her because it would ruin the Pink Floyd story.

As a result, my mother and father tortured me. My entire life has been a lie and a sadistic game.

____

This is probably delusional. It's blurring fantasy and reality - daydreams becoming real.

Papi Dog (My Dad Is The Dog)

 Papi Dog (My Dad Is The Dog):

Contrasting

 Contrasting:

OCD Panic Attack

I have this crippling OCD, intrusive thought, panic attack.

I was in the DUMBO area of Brooklyn yesterday with a friend. I'm catastrophizing I might've stepped on a hypodermic needle and not realized it. Or sat in something on the subway.

Today I walked around the neighborhood. Catastrophising I stepped on a needle.

I fear I'll acquire HIV, nobody will want to be my friend. I'll be alone for my whole life. I feel uneasy. Sick to my stomach. Wanting to have a meltdown.

What is it?

Joker Character

If you can't tell, I'm acting with my Joker from Batman voice and character. It's meant to be a dark comedy. In real life, I'm weak and can barely leave my house without getting OCD and panic attacks. Plus I'm the most genuinely kind guy you'll ever meet. Don't take it literally.

Safe

 Safe

Pink Floyd - The Wall

No matter who's to blame, at 33 years old it's my responsibility to end the social isolation - like Pink Floyd's The Wall. TEAR DOWN THE WALL! Live in the real world.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/QzUyzMXjZw6QGWJf9

My dad is the dog

 My dad is the dog

Government

I'm starting to get delusions that the government is after me because of my social media posts, trying to silence me, poisoning me with HIV with hypodermic needles. STOP IT! Don't "crazy level up." I'm getting grandiose. The reality is I'm a disabled manchild in my mother's home.

My dad is the dog

My dad is the dog.

January 5, 2014.

June 7, 2015.

March 6, 2016.

Evil Friend

I think my "friend" is a SADISTIC PSYCHOPATH who doesn't feel any empathy. He's been following me on the sly for years, saving everything. He'll try sabotaging my life when the time is right. I'm not sure why? Just to be evil to a weak, sick puppy?

Help Me

 Help Me:

True Love

 True Love:

Adam Levine

 Adam Levine:

Everybody I showed my Adam Levine drawing to didn't realize the green thing in his hand was supposed to be money. It looks better without the money annotation, so here are both versions. The card I drew it on now has money written on it - so that's the final draft.

relax

Because I'm full of frustration I'm aggressively throwing things around my apartment, letting out intense rage screams. I'm about to do something crazy that I'll probably regret... relax and go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

no secret admirer

I need to keep in mind there's no secret admirer who is torturing me by depriving me of friendship and love. So getting angry at people from the past is simply a delusion. Even if it's true, how could I forgive suffering this intense? I need to meet people in the future.

help me

I'm full of pent of frustration from years of trauma and social isolation. I'm having a mental breakdown. I'm ready to come unglued. I'm full of rage. I almost punched another hole in the wall. Thankfully it didn't dent this time.

PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

Tortured

Although recently my mom's been leaving me socially isolated to have a mental breakdown. In years past, she INTENTIONALLY deprived me of a life, keeping me a manchild who wasn't allowed to have friends, girlfriends, or money. I was tortured and don't know how to function.

Dad

I need to put to rest the "Syd Barrett is my biological father" delusion. I've expressed it countless times - to doctors, family, friends, on Pink Floyd forums. Everyone tells me I'm insane. It feels real when I get it, then it passes. Besides, I do look like my dad.

COVID-19 2

I've been socially isolated for months now due to COVID-19. My parents leave me alone to metaphorically die and I'm having a mental breakdown. I want to SCREAM.

COVID-19

Even if the thoughts that my dad is a sadistic monster who tortured me in my childhood is "a delusion", there's no question the months of social isolation due to COVID-19 is causing a mental breakdown. My parents are not going to help me. I have to help myself but I can't seem to.

Coming Down On Meds?

I did so well this month with my mental health - my parents agree too. I'm on a mega regimen of medication and feel overmedicated, so I'm going to propose coming down. Maybe Invega (because of Prolactin) or Lithium. We'll see if the psychopharmacologist green lights it tonight.  

my rescue

I like to imagine there's someone out there, like a secret admirer who's watching. Maybe, just maybe, no one's watching.

I'm alone ALL DAY LONG.

I GET INTENSE STRESS FRUSTRATION HEADACHES. THERE'RE HORRIBLE. I HAVE NO DOUBT I'VE DONE DAMAGE BESIDES A SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS. NOT GOOD!

I'm ready to crawl out of my skin, I want to slam things in my apartment, punch the wall.

Why is no one coming to my rescue?

I'm getting "delusions" that my parents are criminals and they tortured me in my childhood. My mom's a sadistic puppet master who is making me pour my life down the drain. I have to save myself.

Love

I often believe there's a secret admirer. They've been watching me, protecting me, are my guardian angel. When the time is right, they'll wave the magic wand - I'll be a rockstar. I'll live happily ever after with my soulmate woman. Others are involved too, and we're going to form a mental health "rock band."

Aside from recent friends I've met, the sad truth is no one cared about my existence. I was wasting my life sad and alone. My delusions boil down to longing for love. I felt unloved for so long, I'm crying out for friendship and love.

Stop daydreaming people love me. I have friends now, the situation isn't a relationship, but we love each other. It's REAL FRIENDSHIP, not a daydream. My life is what it is. Take life at face value. 

There's going to be no fairy tale ending where a woman says: "I know how much you've suffered, Andrew. But your true love is here now. You're rich, famous, the sun is now starting to shine." It's not magical, but somebody loves me - a TRUE friend.

I'm told love and friendship will be more effective at curing my mental illness than any medication.

The Mischievous Bunnies

(About my friends from the psychosocial clubhouse)

I was disappointed there's an artist named Bad Bunny, but The Bad Bunnies is a bad name for us anyway. We're mischievous and naughty, but we're good bunnies. 

Unfortunately, The Mischievous Bunnies would be hard to spell when people search it on Wikipedia, maybe it could be abbreviated TMB.

AMW

I was watching clips from America's Most Wanted and Unsolved Mysteries on YouTube. I was reading the comments, other people agree, the show scared the hell out of them as kids. So we'll do a John Walsh, late-night, back alley, fog machine photoshoot with The Swell BoyZ aka AKEX.

BWW

I'm waiting for my friends, but I'm feeling very sick mentally. It's anxiety, frustration, depression, feeling like a defective freak... I just don't want to be here. I want to be safe and sound at home. I'm considering canceling and just going home.

I got a pizza from the pizza hut. Touched the credit card machine. Ate the pizza without sanitizing my hands. I'm catastrophizing about HIV or coronavirus.

Some homeless guy harassed me for money in the food court. I was feeling depressed so I said, leave me alone. He began freaking out on me. Calling me a "dick", getting uncomfortably close to me.

Life's one big nightmare haha

____

UPDATE:

It actually wasn't too bad. I had fun despite thinking I wouldn't.

Ready To EXPLODE!

My parents got divorced as I was entering middle school, that's also when I became very anxious, then started to get bullied at school. Yes, the kids were sadistic monsters. But is it partially because of my stepdad moving in at home? He's a control freak. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, too scared to function. Or, is that delusional?

My mom definitely coddled me, protected me, I have separation anxiety from her.

I'm 33 years old. Lost my childhood, my twenties, and the beginning of my thirties to mental illness. I feel numb and traumatized, ready to EXPLODE!

At doctor's appointments, when friends come over the house - they all say your parents seem so nice. It might not be an act, but they're on their best behavior. Behind closed doors, they can be insufferable. 

Syd Barrett resemblance

My doctor told me to stop with the biological father's e-mails. Bob K. is my biological father. I'm letting go of the delusion. But there really is a resemblance to Syd Barrett, right? I'm like his doppelganger. It's pretty cool.

Needle

I just took a walk around the neighborhood. People tell me I'd know if a needle stuck me. It didn't. But I can't get it out of my head. I keep checking my feet for potential puncture spots. Want to drive back and check suspicious spots on the street. LET IT GO! I'M FINE!

No Hoax

I like to think there's a puppet master, who is playing a prank on me, a hoax, and when the time is right I'm going to become a "rockstar." Unfortunately, my life is what it is. There's no secret conspiracy - good or bad. No one's protecting me. I can make major mistakes.

Foot - Washington Heights

I was walking around in Washington Heights today which is a very bad neighborhood. Does that look like a hypodermic needle stick on my foot? A bruise? Or a freckle? Obviously, I'm catastrophizing something stuck me and I didn't realize it. I fear now my life is ruined.

NYC Unsafe

Today, I went with my friend from the psychosocial clubhouse to The Met Cloisters in New York City. The museum itself was nice. We had a nice time there. But the area didn't seem so nice - Washington Heights.

We noticed many crazy people in the subway. For some reason, they all seem to target me. Maybe it's my anxious body language. These people were DANGEROUS. 

We went to Starbucks. I'm probably being paranoid, but I noticed the barista went into the backroom before making our coffee. Could he have gone to the bathroom? Did he wash his hands? Could he have poisoned me? 

I just want to have wholesome bunny fun, but felt unsafe in New York City. The streets are empty due to COVID-19, only the crazies are walking around. Maybe I shouldn't go so often. We got lucky. Next time we might not be so lucky.

___

At a park in Washington Heights. There are very small stairs you climb to get to the museum, and everyone who does gets scratched with this tree/stick. When we reached the top, there was a sketchy man with tattoos who likely got scratched just before me. Can you get HIV this way?

puppet master

I had a delusional episode last night. It correlates with frustration and high emotion. That triggers it. I'll try to stop blaming my mother and focus on making myself a success. What does blaming my mom accomplish? That's pouring my life down the drain.

When I feel frustrated and become overtaken with emotion, I get delusional that my mother is a sadistic puppet master - who is torturing me, depriving me, making me waste time.

The truth is my chains are internal, not maternal. It's extreme anxiety. My mother wants me to fly.