Some Posts (01 31 2023)

Post 01:

Comparing my father Robert William Koloski to the America's Most Wanted fugitive Robert William Fisher might not literally be true. But he metaphorically cut our necks and wanted a clean slate. From a gallows humor inappropriate sarcastic joke point of view - it's what happened.

Post 02:

My father can do revisionist history and try to pretend he wasn't like Robert William Fisher in the past, to erase his disgusting psychopathic behavior, and fame the abuse victims to look unstable. But that's bullshit. He intentionally and sadistically metaphorically cut my neck.

Post 03:

When I find out the truth about my father, it'll feel like the ultimate betrayal. It's because his intentions were horrible. They were making me a laughing stock. It was never funny. He's really a monster. The sooner they tell me the truth the better. Why are the lies continuing?

Post 04:

My mother knew what was going on with my father. She was lying and gaslighting me too. They literally were trying to kill me. They might have been doing it pharmacologically by getting the psychopharmacologist to negligently prescribe medication. I just can't take the deception!

Post 05:

My mother and father were trying to murder me while pretending they weren't, to say otherwise is complete bullshit. The only reason the psychopharmacologist won't admit is that would mean he was guilty of medical negligence. Unfortunately, it's a fact. They're deceiving monsters.

Post 06:

Although I was self-sabotaging in my adulthood and that is my fault ultimately. My parents should have intervened. They didn't. They were getting sadistic pleasure from it. They wanted to see me get hurt. They wanted to see me get cancer. They wanted to see me die. It's fact.

Post 07:

I was just a pawn in my mother and father's sick game. My entire life has been gaslighting and lying. My mother was trying to kill me to hurt my father. My father was trying to kill me to hurt my mother. I was my fathers his red-headed stepchild whom he metaphorically murdered.

Some Posts (01 30 2023 - 01 31 2023)

Post 01:

Lately I've been a real ladies man. I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time. But I'm charming, suave, and confident around women now. Plus I love women so much. It's only a matter of time, if I keep putting myself in the real world, before I'm in a relationship.

Post 02:

Recently, I'm a real ladies man who is behaving extremely confident. All the ladies seem to love me, even the extremely attractive ones. But be careful not to get manic. I'd like a girlfriend. Maybe it's for the best I focus on mental health recovery.

Post 03:

I need to come to a realization there is no shame in liking superhero movies and dressing in Hot Topic clothes. I enjoyed the Spider-Man movies. They're not "intellectual movies". But they're a lot of fun. Do you look like Mr. Suave wearing a Hot Topic t-shirt? No. But who cares?

Post 04:

I was unironically shopping at Hot Topic at 30 years old and believed I looked cool. My father would take me into the store and occasionally buy me a t-shirt. I ordered tons of t-shirts off their website. I was constantly in Hot Topic. Thanks to Bun Bun, I dress like a man now.

Post 05:

Although there's nothing wrong with the just rolled out of bed and Hot Topic t-shirt look, I was wearing it for many years. You give off the impression that you're very depressed. It's important to dress like an adult. If you do, ladies and everybody will be more attracted to you

Post 06:

It's a good idea to dress nicely just to improve your mood. If you get up and look handsome it can actually boost your mental health in a positive way for the day. However, if you have a just rolled out of bed Hot Topic t-shirt look, you'll look like and be perceived not as well.

Post 07:

One of my favorite stores to shop at with Bun Bun is Macy's. Often, when she comes out to Long Island we go to the location in Massapequa and purchase an article of clothing or two. It helped really upgrade my wardrobe and make me look very handsome. We like shopping together.

Post 08:

Speaking medically, I have a wound on a private area. I'm trying to let it heal. But it'll take time. I used the restroom in the mental health recovery group. I didn't want to but had coffee and had to. I got wetness on it. It's probably my urine. Is this a contamination risk?

Post 09:

Although living with my dad would be worse. Homelessness would be worse. Living with a low-functioning schizophrenic roommate in a group home would be worse. I have the best situation for the hand I was dealt. Living with my mother and stepfather can be a "powder keg."

Post 10:

The reason I was heavily medicated was my psychopharmacologist said my home environment was a "powder keg." A highly volatile situation that he suspected could end badly. Lately, I'm in solitude. But I used to be around them all day everyday.

Post 11:

Unfortunately, my home environment can be toxic at times, especially when my mom is in an elevated mood and screams at me. It's fight or flight. I could react by punching a wall and then later regret my decision. Or I could go for a walk and she might be calm in an hour or so.

Post 12:

The key difference between my parents and the bullies. The bullies INTENDED to cause harm. That's the point of bullying. My parents want me to succeed, wish the best for me, and love me.  Though, nobody's parents are perfect.

Post 13:

I'm afraid in NYC, afraid to drive on the parkways, in college classrooms, I'd often get panic attacks and run to the bathroom to regroup. When I panic, I start to shake and sweat. The real world isn't as dangerous as my mind is telling me it is. It can actually be a fun place.

Post 14:

It would be best to work on anxiety without the use of psychiatric medication. However, if all else fails, talk to a psychiatrist. Describe the symptoms you're experiencing. Perhaps the doctor might prescribe something for anxiety and panic attacks. There's no shame in taking it.

Post 15:

The artwork really helped boost my self-esteem. For so long, EVERYONE was telling me I was a loser. That I was pathetic, a burden. I had POTENTIAL but had nothing to show. So I started to believe what everyone was saying. Now I'm proud of my artwork. it gives me self-esteem.

Post 16:

Everyone was acting like a was a failure who'd be a disabled adult-child forever. I was ashamed. But I actually had the ability to become successful. I set my mind to it. Worked hard. 5 short years ago I felt like the biggest loser on planet Earth. Art made me feel like a winner.

Post 17:

5 years ago, nobody was listening to me. I had no friends. Was always in my room. Was treated like a loser, burden, and failure. Because of my social media posts and artwork people started listening and paying attention. Now everyone wants to know me and I feel like Mr. Cool.

Post 18:

They say age is just a number, I'm 35 years old. I am 15 years older than 20-year-olds in college. Wasted a lot of time. The Beatles created Abbey Road was were finished by the time they were 30. Some people become president in their 70s. I'm still healthy and handsome.

Post 19:

It's not like I'm in the nursing home. I'm physically fit, handsome, quick-witted, and not dying from a terminal illness (to my knowledge). I'm shining at 35 years old. People who return to college in their 30s are often more motivated and intense because they're more mature.

Post 20:

Although it's true Bun Bun knew Elon Musk. She basically told me through hints she gave me. Which I'm not gonna be happy about, obviously.

In the end, I'll probably wind up with Bun Bun because we're a good match.

Post 21:

I SUSPECT they have Taylor Swift in my mental health recovery group. I'm becoming friendly with her and will probably get lunch soon. 

She's pretending to be very depressed, wearing Hot Topic clothes like me in 2018. Is it psychosis double-bookkeeping?

Post 22:

Stop daydreaming. This is some depressed woman just released from the psych ward, not Taylor Swift. 

Whoever this person is, famous or not, I find her very nice and cool. We get along well so far.

Post 23:

Like the show Breaking Bad, I SUSPECT I have "meth cooking buddies". Like Walter White and Jesse Pinkman. We're metaphorically cooking meth through social media posts. In reality, I'm straight edge. Don't drink or smoke. We're not criminals, just mischievous future rockstars.

Post 24:

Maybe I'm like Light from the anime Death Note. A future God. More famous than The Beatles and Nirvana. However, do I want to be one of these rockstars who thinks of himself as superior to others? Don't forget where I came from. I'm a nobody. Use my power responsibly and for good

Some Posts (01 29 2023 - 01 30 2023)

Post 01:

If you're dying from a terminal illness but keeping it secret. Maybe you should get cremated. Then instead of a telephone conversation like we usually have in the morning, one morning I'll pour your ashes in the toilet after I'm done doing my business then I'll flush it down.

Post 02:

Maybe I'll make a YouTube video about pouring my father's ashes in the toilet when he passes away. Then I'll flush his ashes down my filthy toilet and I'll go AHA and What It Is.

Post 03:

We shouldn't glorify my father. He's actually like Chris Benoit, Robert William Fisher (The fugitive), or a mass shooter. He's somebody that we shouldn't celebrate for being a bad person because that's exactly what he wants. Just erase his name from history like Benoit.

Post 04:

My father is a psychopath who was deceiving me and was getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering. He's a monster. It's disgusting what he did to me. Someone tell me the truth and no excuses for your bullying behavior. You were humiliating me. I want to know the complete truth.

Post 05:

My parents were trying to kill me pharmacologically with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications. I have no doubt in my mind it was sadistic torture. They believed it was giving me cancer. The psychopharmacologist was negligent. People don't like to admit it. It's true.

Post 06:

My father is such a sadistic, sexual pervert, bully who knew exactly what he was doing. He was metaphorically cutting my neck. He was gaslighting me. It was intentional torture. I was the red-headed stepchild family to my father. The family he kept secret were the cooler families

Post 07:

Does anybody care about me at all? It really doesn't seem like it. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain because of the bullying I was put through and years of unimaginable hell I lived. I just want to be genuinely loved, not bullied by psychopathic monsters who don't care if I die.

Post 08:

I personally feel sick over what my abusive lying father put me through. He's to blame and had bad intentions. Does he lose any sleep knowing what he did to me? Nope. He's a psychopath who doesn't feel empathy. He slept soundly even though I was in hell and lost so much time.

Post 09:

I don't want this to be like a sensationalistic professional wrestling matchup. I don't want this to be turned into a Hollywood movie. I want a sincere apology which my psychopathic father will never give. This will probably end up with me like Kurt Cobain from Nirvana.

Post 10:

If I wound up homeless or the biggest loser on planet Earth, nobody would care. The only reason my half-siblings even care about me is because of my social media posts, because I made myself a performative genius, and the ultimate winner. They don't actually know me, though.

Post 11:

My half-siblings think they know me from my social media content, but they don't actually know me. It's like people who listen to radio shows and start to think they have a relationship with people on the show. There's a lot that's not being broadcast on the channel.

Post 12:

I don't want a relationship with my half-siblings. I'm going to be angry if they deceived me and gave me a good time while pretending to be people in the mental health community. Leave me alone. I want no involvement with them whatsoever. Where have they been for 35 years?

Post 13:

The reason my half-siblings became fascinated with me was my social media content. At first everybody was extremely critical of it. But then it became like the best show on TV to everyone. Nobody cared about me beforehand, but when I started posting, then they wanted to know me.

Post 14:

If my half-sibling graduated from Harvard, or an ivy league college. Fuck you! The only reason you had that opportunity is because my father metaphorically cut my neck, screwed us out of money, and got us fast food for dinners. You were provided with opportunity. We were murdered

Post 15:

Even if I am about to become extremely rich and successful, I'm so screwed. I'm totally going to get a cancer diagnosis very soon from the years of horrible health and neglect. My half-siblings were eating the best foods, getting the best of everything. I was provided with trash.

Post 16:

I don't find it funny, nor do I care. I was actually crying in front of my father. I was just released from the psychiatric hospital and all you want to talk about is pro wrestling and bully me. Have some empathy you psychopath. Then he gaslights me and made it about himself.

Post 17:

These social media posts and performative videos started out as everyone watching it and thinking what a pathetic loser I am, I was a laughing stock, my whole family was depressed. It was really bad...

Somehow there was a twist of fate, now it's like the funniest concept ever.

Post 18:

I do think someone out there cares and has a plan so this doesn't end in a catastrophic train wreck. So this doesn't end like Owen Hart for me. So even though the videos might be hilarious at the moment, if I die in a tragic way, the jokes will completely be ruined. Trust me.

Post 19:

Something that is hilarious can immediately turn extremely unfunny if something tragic happens. The jokes that were funny at the time, in hindsight, won't feel the same at all. It'll be disturbing and horrifying. This doesn't have to end in a train wreck. I hope someone helps.

Post 20:

My mother often wears a Star Wars shirt. She kept secret what a monster my father was. I guess I'm like Luke Skywalker. When I discovered the truth about my father, that he's Darth Vader, and was doing all this horrible stuff, I'm not going to be very happy. Ignorance is bliss.

Post 21:

For many years my father provided the bare minimum of money and is a millionaire. He reconciled with my mother in a way. Where did the money for my apartment come from? I think it was just my mother. I'm being led to believe it was just my mother. Maybe it wasn't just my mother.

Some Posts (01 29 2023)

Post 01:

I know at 35 years old it's my responsibility to make my life happen, but I really had the worst psychopathic bully father. Sadly, I'm still dependent on that monster financially. But I should have no involvement with him. He didn't even care if I died and gave me a horrible life

Post 02:

My father knew exactly what he was doing. He's a millionaire, probably sent my half-siblings to ivy league universities. I was like the red-headed stepchild. Nobody ever intervened and helped me. They basically let me metaphorically die. I wish they'd admit it because it's true.

Post 03:

Do they have a plan? Is there anybody who cares? Or will they continue to lie and let this end in a trainwreck? Even if I become incredibly rich and famous, an iconic artist, it'll still probably be disastrous unless somebody has a plan. It's their fault. They had bad intentions.

Post 04:

People at the art group were wondering why I was absent for 2 weeks. They THOUGHT a family member of mine passed away. I'm not sure who started that rumor and for what reason. It's incorrect. The truth is I was in the psychiatric hospital. :P

Post 05:

I don't think the psychiatric hospital was necessary. I'm not sick like I was in 2011. But I stopped all my medications prior to Thanksgiving 2022. Thanks to the psychiatric hospital, I'm back on some of them. I plan to continue taking them for the foreseeable future.

Post 06:

What I'm saying about my father is true. He was a monster who bullied me with bad intentions. They also know I'm extremely unstable and can't handle the truth. His deception is how we got into this mess to begin with with. I wish he'd be honest about EVERYTHING.

Post 07:

I'm not around my mom too much to be honest. Most of the time I'm completely solitary. While solitude is the source of a lot of my frustration. It's better than being around my irritable elderly parents all day long. I prefer solitude than being around my mother and stepfather.

Post 08:

I started living in my own fantasyland. Cut off from real world and human interaction. Comforting myself with daydreams and delusions. The source of my self-esteem was a world I created in my head because I had no friends.

Post 09:

Maybe I have PTSD because I get moments where I feel like everyone was having fun and making me into a laughing stock, mocking my decent into madness, getting pleasure from my suffering. Then when I calm down I realize even if they were jerks maybe it's wasn't that bad.

Some Posts (01 28 2023 - 01 29 2023)

Post 01:

Why couldn't the movie be made today? Because the Disney Corporation is afraid of offending someone? People would complain, the shareholders, advisers, and theaters would stop showing the film? Realistically, that is the reason, people are afraid to think beyond the surface level

Post 02:

I'm so sorry my part in January 2020. I know you're sorry for any role, if any, you played. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. However, I think it'll be ok. Thanks for sticking by me through it all. You're a strong person for doing so.

Post 03:

I know you deceived me. The surprise was supposed to be feel-good. Now when you reveal the truth it might not be hot, it might be sad. Not to imply you're to blame, you're not, but I forgive you. I can't wait to hug my best friend again. I love you. Sorry January 2020 happened.

Post 04:

You said I can count on you. You're a good woman, have an amazing heart, are a very strong person. I need your help to do the right thing regarding this. I look back to your birthday. I think you did. Thanks so much. I really wish it didn't happen and don't want to hurt anyone.

Post 05:

Sorry for cheating in November 2021. Though, it was an Internet chat, not in person meet, and I only cheated on you for you. I leaned my lesson. Need you back. If you want to be monogamous - I'd be fine with that. Though, I think you want more. In the future, let's communicate.

Post 06:

I suspect Bun Bun is actually 13 years younger than me, not 13 years older. She's not in her late 40s/50s. She's like 22 years old. Thinking she was older, which was deception, I asked if I could call her "mommy" when we cuddled. She didn't want me to, though. So I didn't. :P

Post 07:

I'm about to have the coolest girlfriend. Not to say I'm not a cool guy myself. Don't think of myself as unworthy, defective, and inadequate. That's why she made me think she was 13 years older and living in poverty. Think of her as a peer. I'm going to be so in love with her.

Post 08:

It's one big joke now. Very feel-good. I'm like a cartoon character. However, it was so beyond bad for so many years. There were years of suffering that were horrifying and not very fun. All you're seeing is my success and the tip of the iceberg. Our family went through hell.

Post 09:

Some people say: "I don't know how to explain it but you look and behave like the 2008 version of Andrew again." I know how to explain it, I was on too much psychiatric medication for 12 years. It was chemically lobotomizing me.

Post 10:

Even if my psychopharmacologist and parents thought the mega regimen of psychiatric medications was the correct decision - it wasn't. I was overmedicated to a ridiculous degree. Their decision, while thinking they were helping, was actually hurting me tremendously.

Post 11:

Although I don't want it to be true, it is...

Bun Bun was involved with a billionaire prior to meeting me. They did some "not wholesome" stuff together.

Bun Bun's younger than she led me to believe, about my age, and has model-good looks and a lot of money.

Post 12:

Bun Bun's obsessed with me in secret and loves me genuinely, maybe I'll get over her involvement with one of the richest people in the world when I'm one of the richest people in the world too.

Though, I do feel deceived and like a laughing stock.

Post 13:

My father has tons of money. Is probably a millionaire. He was having me eat trash. Treating me like the red-headed stepchild, while giving his "cooler family" a better life.  They all lied and were gaslighting me.

Post 14:

If I do become a billionaire rock star. Don't start to think of me as God, like Light from Death Note. Remember how ordinary I was. Remember all the suffering I went through. Yes, I'm about to have a twist of fate and get power. But remember the hell I lived through.

Post 15:

When I become a billionaire, don't get narcissistic, and self-obsessed. Remember the 35 years of eating trash fast food. Remember the mental illness hell I lived through. Everyone is about to start praising me. Remember how ordinary I was. Don't get an inflated head. I'm nobody.

Artwork (01 29 2023)

Self-Sabotage (01 29 2023):

Talking Like A Pro Wrestler, Psychiatric Hospital (01 29 2023):

My Parents Are Deceivers, Metaphoric Murder (01 29 2023):

Breaking Bad And Death Note (01 29 2023):

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 29 2023)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (01 29 2023):

January 29, 2023

January 29, 2023:

Some Posts (01 27 2023 - 01 28 2023)

Post 01:

A version of the likable 2007/2008 Andrew that Ed remembers is back. Though, much more evolved. I'm hilarious, making non-stop jokes, and always talking. With that said, I'm also unstable and was just released from the psychiatric hospital. It's progress on the road to recovery.

Post 02:

The 2007/2008 version of myself was quick-witted and hilarious. Though, much more immature than I am now. I proceeded to get very sick with mental illness and my spirit kinda died. It's starting to come back 15 years later. Better late than never. I'm starting to get confident.

Post 03:

They're my friends. I genuinely like them. If they were having the time of their lives since 2008, instead of being envious, maybe be happy for them instead. They feel bad for my suffering I'm sure. Could they have saved me back then? Maybe. Still, it was my responsibility.

Post 04:

Most of the I'm thinking of this guy as an ordinary guy who had a middle-class existence like me, we're getting along and becoming genuine friends in my opinion. But I also SUSPECT at times he's keeping some secret. It might not even be bad, maybe he's an undercover boss.

Post 05:

Millionaires exist, it's not like they're living on Mars, while the middle and lower classes are on Earth. Maybe I'm interacting with rich and important people on the sly, but I'm thinking of them as ordinary middle-class people, based on how they dress and what led me to believe.

Post 06:

One of the main reasons Dr. Natural put me in the psychiatric hospital a few weeks ago is because I started talking like a sensationalistic and performative pro wrestling character during our psychiatry sessions, like LA Knight of the WWE. This is not even a joke. It's the truth.

Post 07:

My psychiatry sessions with Dr. Natural are done through Zoom internet video. It's an unnatural kind of session that leads to me going into performative mode. He thought I was in this never-ending performance like a WWE wrestler all throughout the day. I disagree with that.

Post 08: 

I was sitting in solitude for MONTHS, maybe even YEARS, not talking to anyone. Investing all my time and energy into videos and social media posts. Basically, the psychiatric hospital was a wake up call. Now I know I need to socialize and meet friends, not behave like a wrestler.

Artwork (01 28 2023)

Solitary, Where Is My Woman? (01 28 2023):

No Dignity (01 28 2023):

My Dads Coloring (01 28 2023)

My Dads Coloring (01 28 2023):

Artwork (01 2023)

(01 2023):

Mr. Cool (01 2023):

Rock Star (01 2023):

Nobody Likes Me (01 2023):

January 28, 2023

January 28, 2023:

My Art 2023

My Art 2023:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/aew7y1sJNiAU7spy6

Artwork (01 2023)

The Bathroom In The Psych Ward (01 2023):

Deodorant In The Psych Ward (01 2023):

In The Psych Hospital, I Picked My Nose, Bleeding (01 2023):

My Blood Work Was Clean Before Entering The Psych Ward (01 2023):

I Was Admitted Into The Psych Ward For Two Weeks, I Don't Agree With Decision (01 2023):

I'm Hungry For A Girlfriend (01 26 2023):

Some Posts (01 24 2023 - 01 26 2023)

Post 01:

I was hot in 2012 (attractive). I went through a Hot Topic just rolled out of bed phase. But even then when I threw on jeans I was hot. In 2023, I'm hot. Everyone was hard on me. They thought the years of trauma would make me ugly. But I'm the hottest guy alive today probably.

Post 02:

There were women who were extremely hard on me. Everything I did they became obsessed with and overly criticized me. Most people they couldn't care less about. The reason, though they probably don't want to admit it to themselves, they're attracted to me. So they love/hate me.

Post 03:

It's too bad. Owen Hart is one of the best wrestlers to never win the WWE Championship and if he didn't die doing something so unnecessary he probably would've. His name didn't have to be taboo and controversial. He could've been a wrestling legend and Hall of Famer.

Post 04:

In complete seriousness, though, it's very unnatural to be womanless. I'd really like a girlfriend as soon as possible. We'll see what the future holds. It takes time to develop relationships, at least healthy long-lasting ones.

Post 05:

Honesty is the best policy. Lies are a house of cards. I like when people tell me the truth. Only if their intentions are to help, though. Maybe someone can't handle how bad the truth is and it could lead to a nervous breakdown.

Post 06:

I did have a psychiatric hospital admission earlier this month, but I'm out now. In recovery groups, I'm actually enjoying myself despite how negative the psych ward is.

Post 07:

Some of the people in the psychiatric hospital are very sick. Honestly, I didn't feel it was a necessary admission. I didn't belong there. However, if it led to me going to recovery groups and meeting friends, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I was wasting time in solitude.

Post 08:

Since going to mental health recovery groups, my days have been fun. It's too bad they don't want you developing friendships with other members there. It'd be cool to develop a social life. Some people would be cool to know on the outside. However, they don't want you to.

Post 09:

Humans are social animals. We're meant to interact and not be in solitude. The reason I was getting sick is because I was isolated everyday while everyone else was having fun. It'd be nice to get a girlfriend. I'm long overdue for a relationship.

Post 10:

Maybe I need to go back to college, take an acting class, or comedy class. Maybe trying to meet a schizophrenic girlfriend just out of the psychiatric hospital in a mental health recovery group is a recipe for disaster. We're both very sick. I need someone healthy.

Post 11:

Some of the schizophrenic women in the mental health recovery group are cute. I'd go on a date with them, or at the very least socialize on the outside if it was permitted. But we're both very sick and unstable. It could become problematic quite quickly due to our instability.

Post 12:

A lot of mentally ill people can wind up homeless. Am I living the dream being a 35 year old disabled adult-child dependent on my mother? Absolutely not. I'm suffering. But it could always be worse, I'm not homeless, and I'm in a nice apartment provided by mommy.

Post 13:

I've suffered badly. But now I'm having the time of my life. The pain made me enjoy the simple things more. Simple things I was deprived of for so long are tremendously fun for me, while most people take so much for granted because they all were enjoying life.

Post 14:

It wasn't Lady Gaga I was interacting with in NYC, it was my half-sister and half-brother, from my father's "cooler family." I was the neglected red-headed stepchild family to my father. They were given significantly better lives. My parents metaphorically cut my neck.

Post 15:

I don't officially know I have half-siblings and my parents will continue to lie and gaslight me. It's obvious these people from NYC knew a little too much about my past and the abuse I went through. Also, they look similar to me like they could be biologically related.

Post 16:

When it comes to who I suspect is my half-brother. What will he befriend me, get close, we'll become buddies... Then he'll say "by the way, our father is exactly the same." It's Robert Koloski. That's deception, gaslighting, lying. Just tell me the truth.

Post 17:

The sad truth is I get along well with who I suspect are my half-siblings, but I'm thinking of them as friends I'm meeting for the first time, not family members kept secret for 35 years due to a family feud. When I discover we're related, it'll certainly sour my opinion of them.

Post 18:

I suspect my secret half-siblings have done something nice for me. Better late than never. It was extremely depressing for a while because all the trauma and bullying I went through led to me metaphorically dying. At least I hope they're not psychopaths like my parents.

Post 19:

I know they have the feeling how we can't change the past, but we should be on the same team and never should've been enemies / strangers to begin with. However, when I officially learn the truth I'm not sure how I'll feel or react, because my life has been pain and suffering.

Some Posts (01 22 2023 - 01 23 2023)

Post 01:

2023 is off to a rough start. I think this year is about to get better. Though, it seems everytime I say that something tragic or unforseen happens. Hopefully, life gets good for real now. But I have to make it happen. I can't expect anyone but me to make this year epic.

Post 02:

Depending on anybody to make a life for me, no matter if it's my parents or some mental health worker, is just a recipe for disaster because you get a life filled with what they want you to be. Don't get controlled into being who they want. Be an adult and make my own decisions.

Post 03:

I often SUSPECT my parents got SADISTIC SEXUAL PLEASURE from my suffering. If untrue and I'm projecting sexual frustration onto them. Why didn't my parents intervene more? Why did they allow me to waste so much time? Did they secretly enjoy watching me suffer? I think they did.

Post 04:

Regardless of who is responsible for my life turning into this hellish nightmare, at 35 years old, it's my responsibility to take accountability for my problems. Stop depending on my mother and parents. Make myself successful completely independent of everybody else. With no help

Post 05:

Even if my parents did get sadistic sexual pleasure from my suffering. At 35 years old, nobody is holding me as a prisoner in solitude. The reason I can't meet friends and a girlfriend is my lack of social skills. My chains are internal, not maternal. Nobody has me in shackles.

Post 06:

I shouldn't be dependent on my parents at 35 years old. If I date a woman, I should say nothing to mommy about my relationships. Sadly, I'm a dependent adult-child with no money living at her home so I'm very enmeshed with her. I need to break our hostile dependency relationship.

Post 07:

I'm involuntarily celibate and extremely sexually frustrated. No women want to talk to me because on paper I'm a loser. Unless women believe the future billionaire delusion too, Folie à Deux, there's no future with me. I'm projecting my frustration onto my parents. They love me.

Post 08:

My parents aren't perfect and neither am I, but they love me and want me to succeed. Even my father, we're spending time together and often have a good time when we do. He doesn't have to do that for me at all. He does it because he wants a relationship with me. I'm lucky.

Post 09:

If people rejected me years ago, thought of me as a loser, and my life could've turned out differently, even if I didn't know it, I don't want any association with them present day. I need nobody but myself to become a successful artist. I can rock and roll completely solo.

Post 10:

They left me in solitude for YEARS while they were all living life and having fun. They say congratulations you made yourself a badass artist, but sorry for your lost time which is extremely tragic. It was nobody's responsibility to socialize with me in the real world but mine.

Post 11:

For years my mother told me how I was delusional, what a loser and burden I am. Now she's acting like I'm this gifted individual. Did someone clue her in to how talented I am at performance. I don't believe her sincerity? She's a phony. I don't forgive her for the years of abuse.

Post 12:

My mother treated me like I was the biggest loser on planet Earth for like my whole life. Now everyone else is saying how gifted I am. It's completely contradictory to the abuse she put me through. She made me feel like a worthless peon. I'm angry when she praises me. It's fake.

Post 13:

Maybe it wasn't conscious torture. I think my mother needed to keep me as a dependent adult-child, tell me what a loser and burden I am... Because she was so unhappy about her life. Having me as worse than her, controlling me, while believing she's helping, made her feel better.

Post 14:

I'm going to a mental health recovery group and as a result can't see my psychopharmacologist for a few weeks due to insurance and billing. My mother was acting like he would care. While I think he wants good health for me, in his profession, you can't take things personally.

Post 15:

Did the psychopharmacologist want to kill me with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications? Probably not. Maybe he isn't an incompetent fool and he hasn't. Hypothetically, if I died from negligence and it was his fault, he wouldn't lose sleep over me (not saying that happened)

Post 16:

What I actually needed was friends, socialization, and self-esteem in the real world, not to be medicated with the whole pharmacy for a years. Human interaction, a life, and purpose is more effective for delusions than any antipsychotic or psychiatric medication.

Post 17:

The reason I was so sick was because I feel like I spent my whole life unheard in solitary confinement. Perhaps they could've intervened, not allowed me to waste time, but I'm not saying it's anybody's fault but mine. Take responsibility for wasting my life alone like an INCEL.

Post 18:

Come back with determination. Live life. Make myself successful now. The lost time in solitude is tragic. I was in a Joanne Greenberg fantasyland daydreaming I'd be a billionaire from social media posts. The key to recovery is to live in the real world and to meet friends.

Post 19:

My mother WAS NOT holding me at gunpoint forcing me to pour my best years down the drain. Should she have intervened? Yes. Did she enjoy my suffering? Psychiatrists say "no." I was not a prisoner. I had freedom to do anything I wanted. There's no sabotage. Take responsibility.

Post 20:

I'm 35 years old and have failed. In the eyes of the United States of America, I'm a loser. I'm a genius artist in my own mind. Maybe that's a delusion to protect myself from extreme sadness, but I'm ordinary. Regardless, stop blaming mommy for my failure and blame myself.

Post 21:

My parents provided me with the best they had. I've had more opportunities than many people in mental health recovery groups and I still failed. They're some people at these groups who could really cry how life is unfair. With that said, I've suffered tremendously.

Post 22:

In 2016, nobody believed in me. They thought I was delusional and would fail. People criticized my artwork. However, I didn't listen to everyone's negative feedback. Thanks to my mother, I proceeded to work very hard, and proved everyone wrong. Now I'm about to become successful.

January 22, 2023

January 22, 2023:

Some Posts (01 17 2023 - 01 21 2023)

Post 01:

I'm like a pro wrestling heel (like The Miz), who after a two week absence, the lights go on and everyone realizes the shithead is back. As a result, everyone in the arena starts to boo because I'm extremely obnoxious and annoying.

Post 02:

I've lost a concerning amount of weight and I'm not sure why. It could be related to coming off psych meds in November and eating less? I'm not doing anything different. I'm afraid it's cancer. I got a physical from my PCP in November and WBC and blood work were normal.

Post 03:

When I got admitted into the psychiatric hospital, a little over two weeks ago, they did blood work too. I'm not sure what the issue is that's making me lose weight. I'll continue to watch.

Post 04:

My mother said: "Make appointment if you want but blood in hospital was fine.  I think acid made u eat less.  Try eat more protein and not watch as careful.  U eat no sweets, no real carbs.  Get scale and monitor changes..

If you had issue your blood would show it."

Post 05:

I'm beginning to SUSPECT I'm the illegitimate child of Owen Hart and my parents kept it a secret for my whole life. The truth will come out soon. Remember, I constantly get fame by lineage delusions. The evidence is Robert K. is my biological father and I'm not being deceived.

Post 06:

When I get "somebody rich, powerful, or interesting is my biological father", remember that my life is extreme sadness. I'm an ordinary guy with no secret biological father like Star Wars - Empire Strikes Back. There's no "fame by lineage" going on here. I have to succeed myself.

Post 07:

My psychiatrist feels if I don't take my psychiatric medications I'll wind up in a state psychiatric hospital for YEARS. I have the ability to prevent it at the moment. I like to daydream my magical soulmate woman will arrive and magically save me, but maybe that's a fantasy.

Post 08:

My diet is complete trash. If I really am the Disney corporation's Golden boy. A future billionaire movie star. Why don't they rescue me right this second and feed me the luxurious food? The answer to my question is I'm delusional that important people know me and fame is coming.

Post 09:

If I don't like the cooking and dinners my mother provides for me, it's my responsibility to cook for myself. She does it as a favor. It's my responsibility to eat nutritiously. I'm 35 years old. I can't blame her for feeding me gross food. I need to learn to feed myself.

Post 10:

For months, maybe even years, I've been calling my mother's food "prison food", worse than the food I ate in the psychiatric hospital. Although my mother's dinners really are very bad. I'm revising that statement. The psychiatric hospital food is worse than my mother's cooking.

Post 11:

I'm lead to believe the reason I was admitted into the psychiatric hospital a little over two weeks ago then spent about two weeks in there is because I stopped my medicine shortly before Thanksgiving 2022, then punching a hole in the wall was the straw that broke camels back.

Post 12:

If the reason I was admitted into the psychiatric hospital was because of Zoom session and talking like a performing pro wrestling character when I'm on internet video, the truth is I do not behave like a sensationalistic character when I have in-person psychiatric sessions.

Post 13:

Everytime I'm on internet video, I go into unnatural performance mode. It's not even deception. Zoom internet sessions are artificial and doesn't give a crystal clear appearance of how somebody is actually behaving. I'm afraid Dr. Natural thought I was becoming BROKEN Matt Hardy.

Post 14:

I think it was a mistake to admit me into the psychiatric hospital two weeks ago. I'm not like I was in 2011. I'm very self-aware. I was too high-functioning to be there. I have a lot of respect for Dr. Natural's decision. We've made a lot of progress in recovery together.

Post 15:

Not to brag, but of all the psychiatric patients, I felt like the most healthy person in the mental hospital. PERHAPS I needed to resume my psychiatric medications, but I definitely did not belong there this year. It could've been avoided and I'd be perfectly fine.

Post 16:

Was I a danger to myself or others two weeks ago? The answer is without a doubt: "No." That's the criteria to get admitted into the psychiatric hospital and I didn't fit it. Maybe it was a wake up call, but I'd be perfectly fine if I was never admitted. I WAS NOT A DANGER!

Post 17:

I realize HIV is really hard to contract. But obviously, I get bad contamination fears. Though I was not literally raped in the psychiatric hospital, after the two weeks were over, when I was released, I felt dirty and unclean like I was. It was OCD germaphobia torture.

Post 18:

If I'm the Disney corporation's Golden boy, why didn't they protect me when I was in the psychiatric hospital because I'm going to be a legendary future masterpiece creating artist? The evidence is I was surrounded by low-functioning mental patients, not Hollywood undercover.

Post 19:

It's hard to accept, but I was not being protected by the Disney corporation in psych ward. I'm very soft. Weak. The hospital staff and mental health workers were looking at me when I got contamination fears like it was irrational mental illness, not protecting me from criminals.

Post 20:

The psychiatric hospital I went to was one of the worst one's. All the patients with repeated hospitalizations, were calling it the worst one they've been to. If I truly am a future billionaire, wouldn't I be in the luxurious psychiatric hospital, not the one for the poor.

Post 21:

When I came to the staff in the mental health hospital, recovery groups, including most psychiatrists... I feel like I'm smarter than most of them. I'm expert by experience, as a result, I empathize with the patients more. It's like nobody TRULY CARES about the mental patients.

Post 22:

When they first put me on the psychiatric medications in the mental hospital two weeks ago, I slept really soundly. You could have done whatever to me and I probably wouldn't have woken up. I'm getting a delusion somebody drugged and raped me. It's imagination running wild.

Post 23:

Although my cellmate at the time was sneaking in foreign substances during visiting hours, it was just him and I sharing a room, and he was doing really weird stuff, there was staff just outside the unlocked door. For him to literally rape me would be extremely risky.

Post 24:

I had a nightmarish traumatizing two weeks of non-stop OCD germophobia contamination fears. I feel like I've been unloved for my whole life. I want to find my soulmate girlfriend and start a life with a woman. I don't want to have been contaminated from the psychiatric hospital.

Post 25:

Internet Zoom video sessions are extremely unnatural, although I'm not deceiving Dr. Natural, talking like your LA Knight from the WWE (a loudmouth sensationalistic character), is the fast track to getting admitted into the psychiatric hospital. He thought I was behaving that way

Post 26:

I don't know why on Zoom video conferencing psychiatry sessions I talk like a pro wrestling character, but in real life I behave more naturally like myself. I'm not lying. I just go into performance mode when I'm on video on the computer. I act low-key and normal in real life.

Artwork (01 2023)

Mr. Cool (01 2023):

The Face (01 2023):

My Dads Coloring (01 21 2023)

My Dads Coloring (01 21 2023):

It Feels Like I'm In A Simulation (01 19 2023)

It Feels Like I'm In A Simulation (01 19 2023):

Artwork (01 2023)

In The Psych Hospital, I'm Too Innocent (01 2023):

In The Psych Ward, Why Doesn't Elon Musk Or A Secret Admirer Save Me?, Make Me Rich And Famous (01 2023):

In The Psych Hospital, I Can't Wait To Use A Clean Bathroom, Sleep In My Own Bed, Eat Real Food (01 2023):

In The Psych Ward, Afraid Of Contamination, Secretly Murdered (01 2023):

Waiting To Be Discharged From The Psych Ward (01 2023):

Psych Ward, All There Is To Do Is Sleep And Eat, Prison Food, Dog Food (01 2023):

In The Psych Hospital, Sketchy Cell-Mate (01 2023):

The Psychiatrists In The Psych Ward, The Weekend, Sleeping And Eating (01 2023):

My Dads Coloring (01 18 2023)

My Dads Coloring (01 18 2023):

Artwork (01 2023)

The Psych Ward, Where Is Bun Bun?, I Want A Woman To Love Me (01 2023):

In The Psych Ward, I Miss Bun Bun, Why Can't Happy Days Be Here Again? (01 2023):

Fantasyland, Reality, Daydreaming (01 2023):

Mr. Hollywood Myth (01 2023):

The Mr. Hollywood Myth - Text (01 2023):