Some Posts (03 28 2020)

Post 01:

The social isolation is so bad because I just daydream ALL DAY LONG, then I start to get peeved that I have become this Michael Jackson-like man-child. It's so gross. IT'S NOT FUNNY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I need to be an adult. Somebody help!

Post 02:

I'm scared that I'm dependent on my parents and I hear people their age are... ya know. I'm UNPREPARED! 

This is absolutely ridiculous. I need to take control. I don't want to be Michael Jackson (Peter Pan). That's so gross. I'd rather be like Freddie Mercury (super-charged).

Post 03:

Our movie is a love story while a tragedy is going on - like the movie Titanic.

It'll be called Coronavirus. It starts out as an unusual love story, much of it is in an internet fantasy-land, then the pandemic happens.

Hopefully it doesn't end like the Titanic. Lol.

Post 04:

The movie Titanic was such a tearjerker. I cried like a baby when Jack died. I had an existential crisis about life. (Sadly, I'm not joking.. Hey, I was just a kid. Lol)

Some Posts (03 26 2020)

Post 01:

I'm very frustrated and angry because I put so much hard work into my fantasy-land. I should be making money. I have years, a neverending rabbit hole worth of material. Much of it is extraordinarily good. Unfortunately, very few people are aware of it. How do I increase exposure?

Post 02:
The Coronavirus social isolation and self-quarantining are so frustrating. I want to scream and cry. I haven't talked to anyone face-to-face in days. I need to just relax, let it go, remain positive. They're people who've been through worse. Hopefully, things get better soon.

Post 03:

I'm trying so hard with my art, which some call a "fantasy-land", to escape this social isolation and dependency on my parents. My goal is to go viral and make an enormous amount of money, but it's just not happening, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I'm delusional about my art.

Post 04:

The Coronavirus nightmare is just beginning, and my mental health is already starting to deteriorate from social isolation. What should I do? All I've been doing is walking around the neighborhood, making videos, posting on social media, texting and calling friends/parents.

Post 05:

Because of the Coronavirus, I'll be insanely bored for months, socially isolated, in a very small apartment-like area. There's no way I'm not going to go insane and become completely lost in fantasy.

hiding behind a keyboard

I don't think I fully grasp what I'm doing. It's easy to be a tough guy hiding behind a keyboard. But hypothetically speaking, if I went viral... OH NO!

John Lennon

What did John Lennon do that's so great?! Make pretentious rock music? I'm gonna be more popular than John Lennon!

Idiocracy

In the movie Idiocracy, the professional wrestler becomes the president. That's a comedy about society becoming "stupid." I'm not saying I'm a genius. But it's kind of scary. The people leading the country... how do people not see he's a stupid man-child? It's obvious to me.

The end!

If you are self-quarantined, socially isolated, completely focused on your art, you get in perfect fighting shape. This was true for me and I became EXCELLENT. Unfortunately, it's not very good for mental health. It's time to enjoy life in the REAL WORLD with people. The end!

Real People

Since the Coronavirus began I've been fully immersed in social media. It's like my body doesn't exist, and I'm a part of the computer. I'm not real, a Twitter posting robot, just like all the celebrity verified accounts on here.


I read about rockstars from the 1960s, view social media profiles of people from my past, or a celebrity verified account. While living in my fantasy-land, I often forget they're real people and daydream stories. But they exist. They aren't fictional characters from some novel.

The Reason

I get horrifying panic attacks my parents sabotaged childhood friendships, maybe even sadistically for nefarious reasons. The reality is I was bullied, friends no longer wanted to be associated with me. Tragically,  I had no social skills or friends. My parents love me very much.

As a result of being socially isolated, I began fantasizing and daydreaming, then it became a delusional reality. I retreated into a fantasy-land. Now it's time to live in the REAL WORLD!

Some Posts (03 23 2020)

Post 01:

I have a suspicion when the time is right I'll be changing my name to "Andrew Reuter" (my mom's maiden name). Unfortunately, that handle is taken on Twitter. I wish I knew this years ago.

Maybe I could be The REAL Andrew Reuter OR Andrew Reuter 13. Lol.

Post 02:

The Coronavirus is like a nightmare we can't wake up from. It almost doesn't seem real. I want to enjoy life again. I want things to go back to normal ASAP. Maybe I'm being Pollyanna optimistic, but I'm assuming they will.

Post 03:

Comedy and silliness is so much fun. It's great for mental health too. I think that's how I stay "sane."

Post 04:

Since the Coronavirus began, I've been very socially isolated. As a result, I've been daydreaming and fantasizing, they become real. Then I get lost in a delusional fantasy-land. At least now I have some friends I can talk to through text. I need to keep a firm grip on reality.

Post 05:

I have a friend who's a rule-bender like me. That's why we like each other. We're like Pink Floyd, only cooler. Hahahaha.

https://youtu.be/BhYKN21olBw

Post 06:

Entertainment is great when society is functioning. But if you can't get food or toilet paper from the supermarkets (the essential necessities), you won't care about pop superstars or pro athletes. With that said, hopefully things go back to normal soon. Coronavirus is horrible.

Post 07:

Imagine being sick from this pandemic virus, having no job, no money, and being unable to get food from the supermarket under a totalitarian-like govt. Something tells me you won't be thinking about an intelligent and pretentious concept album written by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd)

Post 08:

Some people are saying, pray to God about the Coronavirus. Although I do believe in God, I'm more of a believer in fact and science. I feel humanity has to fix things. Imagining they'll be divine magic is absurd to me. But positive thinking and remaining optimistic can be helpful.

Post 09:

I heard the song Mean by, Taylor Swift for the first time, it seems she got bullied in her childhood. I didn't realize it until last night.

I tell myself she understands my plight, and she's like me. Realistically, she's probably more like Justin Beiber.

https://youtu.be/jYa1eI1hpDE

Some Posts (03 22 2020)

Post 01:
Entertainment (pop music, pro wrestling, movies, playtime), are great when society is functioning. But when we can't get food or toilet paper from the supermarket (the essential necessities) and I'm concerned for my survival, I certainly won't be a Belieber (a pop music fan).



Post 02:
Some people blame my mental illness on genetics, maybe it's partially to blame (genetically susceptible). But there's no denying bullying and my environment affected me, resulting in social isolation and delusions (fantasy-land). If you had my life, you'd be this way too.



Post 03:
My mom said I do great photography and to send the media my pictures because this is an unprecedented time, these photos will go down in history.

It's very hard to get an iconic photo in this day and age. Everyone has a smartphone. You need to think outside the box to go viral.



Post 04:
People occasionally ask me if I'm a photographer when they see me carrying around my camera, tripod, and microphone (at the park for example). I guess technically. However, my area of expertise is performance art, acting, and comedy IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.


Post 05:
It's really disgusting PRESIDENT Donald Trump is calling the Coronavirus the "Chinese Virus." He's trying to be shocking and controversial. While he's instigating hate - people can't get food, some are dying. He's such a man-child. America please elect an adult in 2020.


Post 06:
It's like we're living under a Totalitarian government since the Coronavirus began. Everyone's housebound, suspicious of each other at the supermarket afraid for safety. At least it's better than war. Regardless, I hope things go back to normal soon. This is HELL!

Coronavirus

We often take life for granted. Then something like the Coronavirus can happen and mess up everything.

Non-essential businesses will be closed starting Sunday. Imagine working at a supermarket during this time. That's gotta be madness and hell. But at least they have job security.

When things were going well, I had dreams of being an entertainer - actor or comedian. Now I'm worried can we get food and toilet paper from the supermarket. It's funny how life can change in a matter of days.

It's fun to watch pop superstars and professional wrestlers dance around and entertain us. But now I see how pointless it truly is. During wartime and the Coronavirus, we become primitive, only the essentials are important. Hopefully, we can enjoy luxury and fun again ASAP!

___

Not to mention the social isolation/self quarantining is so bad for my mental health. I start to daydream, the daydreams become real, and I lose touch with reality. Then I enter a delusional fantasy-land.

My "BROKEN Matt Hardy" Movie Idea - Dr. Phil

My "BROKEN Matt Hardy" Movie Idea:

https://cellwaters.blogspot.com/p/theres-huge-superhero-movie-obsession.html?zx=15de0e35a103773a  

(this is fiction)

When Matt Hardy's mental health starts to deteriorate, Jeff Hardy (his brother), contacts Dr. Phil (a daytime TV show psychologist/psychiatrist), because he heard he helped Oprah.

Obviously, Dr. Phil isn't interested in actually helping Matt Hardy with his psychiatric struggles. He wants to exploit him for an entertaining episode, for ratings and money.

Matt will come on the TV show as his sensational BROKEN Matt character. Comedic shenanigans will ensue. Then Dr. Phil can give some dumb advice.

Dr. Phil will diagnosis Matt with "reckless rockstar disorder." Notable examples of people with this condition are Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys, Jim Morrison of The Doors, and Kurt Cobain of Nirvana.

He doesn't recommend psychiatric medication, and DOESN'T suggest doing what rockstars do (alcohol for example). Dr. Phil suggests exercise and eating lots of fruits and vegetables. He personally loves to snack on green beans.

The only thing Matt Hardy got out of this session is green beans will quell his condition.

Coronavirus Posts (03 16 2020)

Coronavirus Post 01:

When I was outside 7-Eleven convenience store, this group of bully middle school kids were loudly coughing and acting sick, as I, and everyone walked past - pretending like they had the Coronavirus. Nobody wants that! Mean kids are awful. I should've called the police on them.

Coronavirus Post 02:
I said to this elderly woman I'm friendly with, who I always see when walking outdoors, to: "be safe", assuming she'd know I was talking about the coronavirus. Also her nurse was wearing a mask. Instead she was confused and defensive. I politely smiled and explained what I meant.

Take A Picture by Filter

Take A Picture by Filter is a perfect song and music video. I really relate to: if you didn't take my picture, I wouldn't even remember most of the stuff I did.

___
Richard Patrick telling the story behind this stream-of-conscious song: He recalled: "There was no thought behind it. It was off-the-cuff. It was emotional. I was so lonely. When you drink, you feel cut off from everybody. The isolation is wild. You isolate yourself, but then you realize you're left all alone. I'd get in trouble. I got arrested, but I was taken to a psych ward."

"That was the second time I had an issue on airplane," he continued. "I was like, 'I bet my dad's going to be proud of this!' There's that song, 'Dad, I'm In Jail.' 'Take A Picture' was my homage to that. 'Hey dad, what do you think about your son now?' is a double entendre. Do you think my platinum records are cool? Do you think I'm a success? Do you know how much pain I'm in? Do you have any idea what's going on with me? I think everybody has that thing with their parents. They want to figure out their moms and dads." https://youtu.be/h8MAHQhKe7Q

Social Isolation

Basically, the reason I have Schizoaffective disorder is that I was socially isolated, and as a result, began living in fantasy and daydreams (delusions) to deal with the pain.

In middle and high school, I had no friends, never went to parties, prom, no one came to my graduation.

After graduation, I had no social skills, I ran from socialization (all alone).

I made a little progress after my hospitalizations. But from 29 years old to 32, I was socially isolated. Living in an internet fantasy-land. Social isolation is the story of my life.

I’m starting to make some social progress at a Psychosocial Clubhouse in NYC, beginning to make some friends...

But society is on lockdown due to the coronavirus and I'm all alone. For the past few days, it’s me alone in my head, I want to SCREAM! I desperately need socialization, someone local PLEASE be my friend. I can't stand this solitude. Social isolation is as bad as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day they say, and I've been socially isolated for YEARS!

HELP ME!

What should I do?

It’s not easy for me to make friends. My social skills are awful, I get panic attacks, think people view me critically. I also feel such pain I don’t want to befriend people.

"Friendship"

I was bullied in middle and high school. As a result, I became socially isolated and developed Schizoaffective disorder. I had no friends growing up, never went to parties, prom, nobody came to my high school graduation.

After graduating, I was weak and socially broken. I had extreme panic attacks, thought everybody was viewing me critically. I began living in fantasy-land, running from socialization.

I desperately needed to improve my social skills and end isolation.

In my early 20's, I met some "friends" but since I was hurt I thought I was above them and didn't "appreciate" their friendship. They sadistically withdrew their friendship, sending me further into isolation and mental illness.

They probably think they "taught me a lesson". Most people wouldn't have given their nonsense the time of day. If wasn't weak and socially broken from getting bullied in middle and high school, I wouldn't have been so desperate.

I'm very sad about losing the friendship. I often reminisce and want back what I had years ago, but I need to forget them! The future is the present, and what's to come. Don't look back.

I did learn not to be so judgemental, though.

Consulting A Lawyer?

My dad is very disappointing. He can be a bully and often triggers delusions and bad mental health. I talk to him every day for a few minutes over the phone.

I usually see my dad once a week for a walk and lunch. Sometimes we do photos and videos.

I asked my dad if I could photograph him wearing the crown I got from New York City, for artistic reasons. As if to say, "I'm the king!" So when I go viral, they'll be some iconic photos.

He said, "I'll have to consult about that."

My imagination began to run wild. Who is he consulting? I began to fear a lawyer. Maybe he's not my "buddy" after all. Maybe my dad's doing something nefarious, something criminal. Maybe Syd Barrett is my biological father.

At lunch a few weeks ago, he said how Disney and Marvel push their Hulk usage right up to the line, but never cross it (so Universal can't sue). He said their lawyers probably say, "I wouldn't advise doing that. But if you were to, do this."

Then I start to think maybe he consults with a lawyer before taking action with me on camera/video.

Is this Schizoaffective Disorder? Paranoia and delusions?

Syd Barrett

There's a lot of mystery about Syd Barrett's life after Pink Floyd.

Was he a drug casualty that had difficulty functioning? (What's commonly believed)

I suspect he wasn't a damaged mind. I believe he couldn't handle fame due to his severe mental illness. Being famous wasn't good for his mental health. It caused a psychotic break. So rumors were manufactured to keep him out of the limelight.

On the sly, he was contributing to Dark Side Of The Moon, Wish You Were Here, and The Wall. In fact, The Wall is kind of his autobiography.

Why I Post

I post on social media because I want someone to hear, validate and care about me. It's like I'm talking to imaginary friend. Though, I imagine lots of people are reading - friends and acquaintances from the past, undercover celebrities. Sometimes I'm like the boy who cried wolf.

Dry brain

I've years of intense frustrations from from being socially isolated in my bedroom. I get excruciating headaches that I called dry brain. Although my life has improved, I have a sharp pain that's not going away. I'm a hypochondriac so fear worst case scenario. Must see a Dr ASAP!

Underestimated Me (Spider-Man)

Norman Osborn, a genius mad scientist, and the father of Harry Osborn, says to Peter Parker (Harry's High School friend): "Harry tells me you're quite the science whiz. You know, I'm something of a scientist myself." Norman understates his status and talent because he's talking to a child. He probably imagines Peter will never amount to anything significant. Little does he know, Peter's about to become Spider-Man - the person who defeats his evil scheme.

My point is so many teachers, doctors, professionals, underestimated me because I'm "low functioning", with a severe mental illness. They never imagined I'd be a comic GENIUS with epic social media accounts. But seriously, when I inevitably go viral and become a rockstar, Norman Osborn will regret underestimating me.

My mom's extreme fear of the Coronavirus

The media is like the "boy who cried wolf" to me. They sensationalize and overreact to everything. If there's ever a bubonic plague outbreak (something VERY serious) - I won't believe them - thinking they must be exaggerating. So many people are like me. Is the Coronavirus FAKE NEWS?

My mom's bought into the media narrative hook, line and sinker. She's being a hypochondriac to an extreme degree. Telling me to use masks, gloves, and hand sanitizer while in New York City. She's keeping me quarantined in my apartment-like area, she refuses to be around me - like I have the bubonic plague. Bear in mind, there's no reason to be afraid of me. In fact, I'm a bit of a hypochondriac myself, germ conscious, and always washing my hands (I'm jokingly understating my hypochondria).

Now she's telling me to stop going into New York City, or at the very least, she's telling me to stop seeing Dr. Natural (my CBT Psychiatrist) in Brooklyn until the coronavirus calms down.

I fear she's being phony, fake and lying. My mom has done something criminal to me, she realizes Dr. Natural's getting to the bottom of it, and she wants to sabotage the progress we're making. She uses an irrational fear the Coronavirus as an excuse to sabotage.

Or, is this fantasy? Is my mom not a sadistic bully, the bane of my existence, who's trying to sabotage my life? Is she just a hypochondriac?

She does sound completely crazy about the Coronavirus. She's getting vicious, critical, almost telling me to stay home, quarantined. Calling me selfish that I want to go into NYC. She said it's extremely contagious and we can all die from this, especially her and my stepdad since they're older.

I'm told my chains are internal, not maternal - by Dr. Natural. This is literally an example of my mom potentially about to keep me a prisoner, at home. I'm dependent on her for train tickets, I'm afraid she'll stop buying them.

As you can see, my frustrations overtake me like a tsunami, then I get an extreme panic attack that my mom's evil.

Is my mom's fear of the Coronavirus legitimate and I don't realize the severity of it? Or is this irrational craziness from her?

Socialization and the Coronavirus

I get bad headaches and bad mental health when I stay home all day, socially isolated. That's why I like going to the psychosocial clubhouse in New York City, it gives me a life.


What's worse: social isolation (bad mental health) or the Coronavirus? I don't want either.


I understand taking preventative measures to not get the Coronavirus (like hand sanitizer, masks, and gloves). Also, if it becomes more widespread, staying out of New York City.


At this point in my recovery, I NEED socialization, and not in overwhelming corporate America.

Transformation

In the 2002 film Spider-Man, Norman Osborn says to Peter Parker, "Harry (his son) tells me you’re quite the science whiz. You know, I’m something of a scientist myself." He's completely underplaying his accomplishments. Because in reality, he's a GENIUS scientist.

That's how I am at the Fountain House art gallery while volunteering. I show them my tame artwork and say: "I compose nothing too crazy or extreme. But I'm something of an artist myself." However, on the sly, I'm a mad scientist that's going to accidentally turn himself into The Green Goblin. Only I'm more of a superhero, like The Incredible Hulk.

Then again, maybe I'm not experimenting on myself. Maybe it's more like being passive, having no power and control. Now I'm starting to take charge of my life.

I'll hatch from my cocoon, and become a delicate butterfly, like Taylor Swift.

Actually, more like released from my "prison", then become a supercharged Freddy Mercury (Queen).

Or tear down The Wall that separates me from society, like Roger Waters (of Pink Floyd), then no longer be socially isolated.

Scratch all of that, idolizing superheroes and pop musicians are for simple-minded people.

But there's no denying a creature is developing inside of me, and soon a transformation will happen. Though, I'll use my superpowers for good.

Weak

Throughout my life I've been vulnerable to bullies. I'm weak and desperate, easy to take advantage of. I can't seem to get stronger. I fear no one cares. I feel disconnected with people in public. Sheltering myself in my bedroom, with anxiety and agoraphobia, is wasting my life.

MAGA Hat - Outdated

Although I'm politically uninformed, the MAGA hat is iconic and attention-grabbing. I have one.


Now President Trump has a KAG hat. It's like Taylor Swift's Reputation merchandise, MAGA is now outdated. If you want to be cool you gotta buy the new hat.


Maybe I can be an "old school" hipster, wearing outdated merch.


I think it would be funny when we "make the movie" if the characters talked about President Donald Trump like he was a rockstar entertainer, rather than a professional politician. Did you hear Donald Trump's new album? Rolling Stone says it's better than The Beatles' Rubber soul.

Attention-Grabbing t-shirts at CBT psychiatry appointments

I usually dress appropriately for my CBT psychiatry appointments, but once in a while I'll wear attention-grabbing t-shirts for fun. Such as Giraffe, superhero, Deadpool posing with weapons, The Joker.


Today, I wore Venom. He's foaming at the mouth, looking like a rabid animal.


My doctor is a very serious and professional older man, and usually doesn't comment on my humorous and absurd t-shirts. However, a few months ago, he acknowledged that The Joker shirt was attention-grabbing. I wonder what the psychological analysis says in the doctor's notes. Lol.


I was actually embarrassed and ashamed to be wearing The Joker t-shirt. I mentalized everyone was viewing me critically. So recently, I've been keeping the attention-grabbing t-shirts under my jacket until appointment time.

Going Viral

My dad asked me, "How is going viral going to change you?" My goal's to make money from my internet art once I go viral. My performance art, comedy, and acting ability are outstanding. Better than the most A-List Hollywood actors. Do my parents not see? Soon they'll see my worth!

Socializing and recovery

My CBT Psychtrist thinks socializing in the real world, getting out of my bedroom is more effective for mental health recovery than any medication - and that includes Clozapine. I agree with him. It's like people who sit around the house all day and medicate because their legs are restless. Of course, they are, you haven't walked.