Gaslighting Posts (09 29 2023)

My mother is a liar and a covert narcissist who INTENTIONALLY victim-blamed me and made me out to be crazier than I was. She gets sadistic pleasure from gaslighting and torturing me. Now all the psychiatrists like to victim-blame too because they don't want to get sued.

My mother was trying to murder me with the medications she had Dr. Coplan prescribe while creating a facade she was trying to help me.

In order to prove Dr Garrett gaslit me into taking PrEP for sadistic reasons - we'd also have to admit my mother gaslit me into taking a mega regimen of psychiatric medications for sadistic reasons. It's a pipe dream to think I can prove all my doctors were negligent and criminal.

At least my mother can make the argument she was trying to help me with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications she had Dr. Coplan prescribe. Dr. Garrett was a sadistic monster who wanted to etch a metaphorical rape into my psyche to traumatize me.

Am I getting an emotional tsunami? Dr. Garrett claims I'm like a blind man to reality. I see his emails as a confession he's secretly a sexual sadist... But he has never said that. I'm not seeing a hidden reality. I'm delusional. He was trying to calm my fears about HIV, right?

After metaphorically raping me, now Dr. Garrett is trying to make me look like Satan. He's trying to make me look like a self-righteous terrorist. He's the expert psychiatrist with all the credibility and I sound like a delusional man with schizoaffective.

Artwork (09 28 2023)

Help Me, Ant (09 28 2023):

Used To Be... (09 28 2023):

Lend A Hand (09 28 2023):

September 27, 2023

September 27, 2023:

Projection Posts (09 27 2023)

It's pretty obviously no one loved Brian Wilson (of The Beach Boys) in his childhood, the song Caroline, No is a PERFECT EXAMPLE of him crying out for someone to genuinely care about him. His depressed cries of pain create beautiful and haunting artwork.

Although Brian Wilson will probably deny it, the train at the end of Caroline, No totally means suicide by train. He just can't officially say it. It doesn't mean this moment shall pass, changing times. I'm sure of it.

For a sensationalistic comedy, it'd be funny if I started projecting onto Brian Wilson. Talking about Brian Wilson unaware I'm really talking about myself.

My dad will project onto Benito Mussolini and my mom will project onto Adolf Hitler. They'll speak as if they know them.

To make my example a little nicer than Benito Mussolini - my father is like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers and I'm like Scott Evil.

My brother can start projecting onto Mike Love.

The key to the projection joke is to pick someone you think you're like, someone you might have parallels and similarities with, then start talking about them unintentionally as if they're actually you.

For a sensationalistic comedy, my father can try projecting his indifference or hatred of me by comparing me to some Nazi or serial killer... unaware he doesn't understand the first thing about me. I'm an artist like Chester Bennington, Brian Wilson, or Scott Evil.

Like the song Numb by Linkin Park, I'm tired of being what you want me to be, mom and dad. I want to be an artist like Chester Bennington, not a despicable and evil person. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I have a heart. I'm not an antisocial psychopath.

I just Brian WilsonEd their whole project, idea, and narrative. By having a heart and emotion, I no longer want to create sensationalistic surfing songs. I'm focused on pet sounds and smile. However, they still want to create surfing songs. I just wasn't made for these times.

To be fair, I have Dr. Garrett to thank for destroying their project. They were turning me into a laughing stock then they wanted me to scream and shout in a sensationalistic and comedic way. But that wasn't what was going on. It was somebody crying out because he was unloved.

I have Dr. Garrett to thank for humanizing me and helping me regain my dignity. Now they all look like despicable monsters. There's no revisionist history they can do to erase what they have done to me.

Now they can project onto Owen Hart and say it's like the blue blazer. Realistically, they had bad intentions and it's nothing like that.

Somebody accused me of doing revisionist history. I personally disagree. I'm speaking emotionally as to how I feel. I'm not trying to rewrite the past. I'm trying to accurately figure out the past. I'm not saying I'm right. What I'm saying is what I believe to be true.

Some Posts (09 27 2023)

Bullying somebody into having a nervous breakdown is a hilarious comedy.

I am so angry, at my mother, my father, I feel like nobody loves me and I want to explode in a rage over it.

Nobody loves me. Nobody would even care if I died. It's been that way for my whole life. That's literally the problem.

My mother doesn't love me. My father doesn't love me. My stepfather doesn't love me. I have no friends. And I want to come unglued because I'm in such pain over not being loved by anyone.

My parents don't show me any warmth or affection. They treat me like a burden and a fuck up. However, I'm not homeless, institutionalized, or locked up. So I guess they love me in an emotionally neglectful kind of way.

I suspect I have half siblings and my dad has new girlfriends and he doesn't tell them my side of the story. He portrays himself as a complete victim and says things to make me look crazy. Don't listen to his narrative. It's bullshit. I'm the victim of child abuse.

I believe my father is lying when he says the HIV scare is an accident and that I don't have half-siblings... I'd rather be told an unpleasant truth than comforted with a lie. He's telling me a lie because he knows once he tells me the truth I'll go completely crazy on him.

I am so angry, at my mother, at my father, I'm just seething mad. I want them to tell me the truth about everything.

I hate my mother and father and feel they belong in prison for child abuse. However, I know if I behave inappropriately it is I who will be going to prison. Work on making myself massively successful. Don't obsess so much over my parents who abused me in my youth.

Artwork (09 26 2023)

HIV (09 26 2023):

Gay (09 26 2023):

Drowning (09 26 2023):

The Face (09 26 2023):

Our House (09 26 2023):

March 23, 2008

March 23, 2008:

My Father, HIV, Half-Sibling(s)

I don't really care if you're a millionaire or billionaire, as long as you aren't my half sibling who was given a significantly better life. If you're just some rich dude unrelated to me, I'm willing to be your friend. The class difference is neither one of our faults.

I have a feeling when my father tells me he had a woman with HIV cook for me for sadistic reasons, and it ultimately led to me taking HIV PrEP two decades later, I just will never forgive him and hate him. It's time to no longer be financially dependent on him and to get a life.

There's really no way my father can make this better. There's no revisionist history. No spin he can do. He can't sugarcoat it and make it not so bad no matter how much she wants to make it this way. Frankly, I'm just going to have no relationship with him whatsoever.

Don't get irrationally angry. Don't get physical with my father. Don't do anything that will put me in jail. Just get independent from him. And cut him out of my life forever. Also, make myself massively successful and famous so he can't go anywhere without seeing my face.

To my half-siblings whose existence I've been lied to about, get lost, make me rich and famous like you so I don't have to listen to these MONSTERS anymore, then we'll have NO RELATIONSHIP. I hope my success makes you envious.

My father was like Robert William Fisher in 2000 (the America's Most Wanted fugitive). In 2019, he might've had good intentions and it ended like The Blue Blazer. That doesn't change he was a sadistic monster two decades prior and that's why the accident happened.

Somebody suggested my father is more like Murray Wilson (not Robert Fisher) and I'm like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys. He might've hit me in the head with the two by four and it caused me to be deaf in my ear, but ultimately, he wants me to succeed for his own selfish reasons.

My father really is a pedophile (09 25 2023)

I'm coming to a realization my father really is a sexual sadist and a pedophile who likely raped me in my childhood. Even if he didn't literally do it, he did it metaphorically. My mother was protecting his secret. They'd rather metaphorically murder me than let the truth out.

My father should probably be in prison for rape. He should probably be in prison for the rest of his life. Like they say, metaphorical rape is not a literal rape. He's going to get away with what he has done without facing any consequences. However, he should be locked in prison.

What my father did is not the blue blazer from the WWE. What he did is not a harmless prank gone wrong. He's a sexual sadist and a bully, a metaphorical rapist, who should be in prison for torturing his son who was just a frightened child.

The reason I say my father should be locked in prison for rape is because he got a woman with HIV to feed us food for sadistic reasons, which ultimately led to me taking PrEP almost two decades later. I was practically a virgin. Described as a "clean baby." Now I feel damaged.

Dr. Garrett, Emails, February 2017, Did My Dad Sexually Abuse Me?

Did My Dad Sexually Abuse Me?

My Email:

Feb 16, 2017, 3:18 PM

This email might be delusional. And I'm actually really scared sending it because when I said similar things in the past, I was hospitalized. And I don't want a hospitalization. That's hell on earth.

But I really want to express this too!

My father was neglectful in my childhood, and he still is – he does the bare minimum.

He would bully me, especially when I was younger. Even to this day, he intimidates me, and I'm afraid to assert myself around him. But this doesn't mean he sexually abused me.

Or did he? Could there also be sexual abuse ON TOP OF the “dog lick”, and the bullying?

Is there a childhood memory that is so traumatic that I have a mental block?

I know you said fantasy and reality gets blurred with me, so the following is 

(POSSIBLY DELUSIONAL)

I believe my Dad sexually abused me when I was a young boy.

I believe he intended to harm me, I believe it was planned.

I was vulnerably forced to put men's penises in my mouth. And they came all over my face. I was forced by my Dad, and the men inserting the penises. 

While sexually abusing me, the men were choking me. Slapping me across the face. Degrading me. 

After sexually abusing me. The men told me that I now had AIDS, and laughed at me when I began freaking out... obviously, I don't, but I was frightened 

I was very gullible at the time. They told me I was going to go to jail. But I believe they were trying to scare me into keeping quiet. And they laughed at me when I got scared.  

I also feared violence against me. 

And my Dad told me he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Which made everyone laugh.

In the car, while crying... I can remember my Dad telling me it’s over now. To blank my mind, draw a line in the sand, step over it, and never look back.

Even present day, I feel like my Dad's a sadist who gets pleasure from my suffering and helplessness.

I blind myself to the "delusions", and I talk about happy things with him like (WWE wrestling).

I feel like he only goes to my psychiatry sessions with Dr Coplan to create the illusion he's involved in my life. But the truth is, he doesn't care.

He plays manipulative mind games with me. And taunts me that I can't do anything about it. 

I believe he’s been preparing for this day for years… as I sat back and helpless and blind. I feel like he’s gotten away with it, I feel weak and powerless.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Feb 16, 2017, 4:18 PM

Andrew

I hope to work with you so we can figure out together how your mind works, and make more sense of these thoughts.  Of course I have no independent knowledge of your childhood, but when child abuse occurs it is secret, hidden.  I have never heard of a case of an abusing group.  This makes me wonder if the memories of the group of men is accurate.  However, it is said there may be a kernel of truth in some delusions.  If you can put these specific memories aside (my guess is they are false memories) I would like to talk with you in our next session about everyday occasions and exchanges with your father that suggest to you that he is indifferent to you, things that are going on now rather than in the past.   I am not discounting the past, but what to hear about the more ordinary present.  How do you pick up his feeling of indifference when you are interacting over wrestling.  

Try to contain these ideas.  They belong in our work.   Dr Margolis and I are hearing them.  We hear your voice.  

Dr G

My Email:

Feb 16, 2017, 5:23 PM

Thanks for the e-mail reply, and thanks for reading what I wrote.

I’m sorry for the long, follow-up e-mail so soon. These are just notes about my Father we can discuss at the next session. 

You don’t have to read it right now, or I can read it to you Wednesday.

_________________________________

Honestly, I don’t know what my Father does when I’m not with him. He's always kept his personal life secret from me.

He’s barely present in my life.

He occasionally sees me on weekends, holidays, for psychiatry sessions... but we're never together long. And I always feel like he'd rather be doing something else.

And I constantly feel like he’s lying to me. Sometimes by omission, sometimes blatantly.

For example, it's kind of obvious he has a girlfriend according to his Facebook. But he doesn't tell me. He'll say she's a "friend".

I feel like himself and his “friends” are the top priority, and he doesn’t want me to know that.

My father does the bare minimum with me, and has since the divorce.

I HATE his family, it’s a house full of people I don’t have any relationship with. We only see them on the holidays (twice, maybe three times a year). Other than that, there is no involvement. And I hate going. 

I talk with my Father daily on the phone… but I barely see my Father in person. And when I do, we never do anything fun. He pretty much sits on the couch. We make videos, take a lot of pictures, then I tell him to go home, because he doesn’t want to do anything.

Then he goes back to his more fun, secret life.

Facebook makes it appear like my Father is out having fun at concerts, bars, with his friends. Even when I was going through difficult times.

This is very upsetting to me. How could he be out having a good time if he cared?

After my Mom and I confronted him about it, he said how he’d remove me as a friend of Facebook. How could he do that to his son?!

I now suspect customizes his Facebook so I can't see.

From time to time, he’ll make these “McJob Suggestions” – usually over the phone, or through e-mail.

I have NO INTREST in these jobs what-so-ever.

“Flipping burgers” is degrading to a 29-year-old college graduate.

I want to do something a little more “on my level”. He doesn't get that.

He insults me, and I know he's insulting me.

For example, there is this professional wrestler who says "dummy". And now my Dad keeps saying "dummy", I feel like he's REALLY calling me dumb by saying it. But I can't prove it. And I'd sound crazy if I brought it up.

I realize this is a cheesy example, but I played the Maroon 5 song “She Will Be Loved” for my Dad. I made it clear how I really liked the song. After it was over, he started mocking it. And it really upset me. :(

I don’t mock his “Dad Rock” (when I’m talking to him). And believe me, there is A LOT to mock.

The song meant something to me, and he put it down.

His life is one big mystery to me. It’s like he totally doesn’t know me, or my life… And he doesn’t care to.

Although when pushed, he does things like take off from work to take me to doctors appointments (such as you).

And I need his financial assistance. He pays for my expensive psychiatrist (every other time), and goes too. 

The Following was Posted on July 7, 2016

Although I usually go to my psychiatrist with my Mom AND Dad, my Dad doesn’t understand or know me (like my Mom does).

He pays, collects the receipt. And it’s nice that he goes for the support. But again, he doesn’t “get” me.

After a psychiatry appointment that I went to with JUST my dad. I was telling my Mom how I still get "delusions". How certain things STILL might be challenging (like work).

When I hung up, my Dad told me to stop being dramatic, he told me to stop saying I’m delusional.

He said I’m lying. I told him I’m absolutely not lying. I said I’m very honest with my Mom and doctors… I need to be.

He asked, then why don’t you tell me then? It’s because my Mom and doctors are easy to talk to… My dad on the other hand is difficult to talk to.

For example, he began yelling at me and lecturing me.

I saw a side of my Dad that I haven’t seen in a while.

The car ride became crazy. While I sat there silently, he was speeding like a lunatic, beeping, swerving in and out of traffic. While yelling at me for being delusional.

He acknowledged that I’ve been hurt. My dad said living in the past is only hurting my present. He said that I need to forget the past – and live in the present and move forward.

The way he was talking made me think that my delusions could be true.

He said his dad only once said “I love you” to him once in his life, and that was when he was sick and dying. He said his father didn’t respect him. 

My Dad told me his father wouldn’t give him the time of day if it was his watch, he gave it to him, and he asked him for the time.

His Dad was physically and verbally abusive to him.

He said his dad only once said “I love you” to him in his life, and that was when he was sick and dying. He said his father didn’t respect him.

He said he understands more than I know.

Again, I was just sitting there silently. Almost intimidated by his insanity.

He told me to say: “f*** you” to the delusions.

Dr. Garrett (09 25 2023)

Realistically, it was Dr Garrett who is to blame for me taking PrEP in January 2020. The problem is, it's such a shit show that it will be impossible to prove. My parents will look like sensationalistic comic book villains. And I look delusional - like a "blind man" to reality.

Like O.J. Simpson or Michael Jackson, everybody will know Dr. Garrett metaphorically raped me, everyone will know he gaslit me into taking PrEP to cause trauma. Because my parents were stupid morons, he's going to completely get away with it. He'll say "suspicions aren't facts."

We all know it's true that Dr. Garrett metaphorically raped me to etch trauma into my psyche for sadistic reasons. Unfortunately, no sensationalistic artwork can prove Dr Garrett had malevolent intent. To prove it in court, you need evidence. He'll say there's no evidence.

Without realizing it, accidentally, I unintentionally got my psychiatrist to behave negligently with me. He thought I was interested in him sexually, which I wasn't. So he began sabotaging me to cover up what he had done.

Dr. Garrett, Emails, March 2017, Gay

Gay

My Email:

Mar 23, 2017, 12:00 PM

I used to wonder what was wrong with me.

The kids in middle and high school would repeatedly call me gay in a critical way. It made phobic and shameful.

Circa 2009/2010, I was very confused and unsure about my sexuality.

I used to fear people knew I was "gay". At work, at school, even at home.  And I felt such shame, it made me want to avoid socialization and hide by myself.

I wound up repeatedly saying to my Mom that I'm gay. I was trying to get a burden off of my shoulders. She acted like it was a major crisis.

This was prior to my hospitalizations in 2011.

My fear of being "gay" fizzled out over time. Now I see it’s not a big deal. In fact, I think I'm a little bisexual.

Even present day, 2017, I still get uncomfortable in social situations. Let's say I'm hanging out with my guy friends, and there is an uncomfortable moment. I begin to get "tizzy" and fear I'm coming across "gay". I begin to fear he knows I'm "gay", I feel weak. But it's really just an uncomfortable moment. I'm projecting what I feel about myself on him.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Mar 23, 2017, 12:25 PM

Yes, I think this is an example of projecting your fears of being gay into imagining what someone else is thinking, with no solid evidence for your inference.  Another thing to ponder.   When the word "gay" occurs to you, what precisely do you mean?  It might be a helpful exercise to first define what it means to be "gay" then see how precisely you meet that definition.  For example, a conservative definition of a gay man might be a man who has ongoing sexual fantasies about men that occur over the course of the day in a variety of settings as he encounters other men, an no such fantasies about woman.    Ongoing relationships with men that involve sex (rather than women), where masturbatory fantasies are not about women, but rather about men.  What is your criteria for being "gay"?   What criteria do you meet?

My Email:

Mar 23, 2017, 12:39 PM

To me, gay means being more sexually attracted to men than women.

Sometimes when I masturbate. I like to fantasize about older men. And I fantasize I am the “womanly” person. Submissive.

And I used to feel such shame over possibly being “gay”.

However, I think I’m just bisexual. Because I’m attracted to women too.

In fact, I’ve only had “in person” sex with women (no men). 

Woman With HIV Posts (09 25 2023)

I SUSPECT my father got a woman with HIV to cook for us when we were children. It wasn't his girlfriend. My father was more like Robert William Fisher the America's Most Wanted fugitive hurting children because he was bitter about the divorce. Remember, FEELINGS are not facts.

If my father tells me the truth, which he won't, I have a feeling I'm going to be so uncontrollably and irrationally ANGRY.

Did Ellen have HIV, was not dating my Dad when we were in middle school, and my dad was having her cook for us to torture us? Or am I getting suspicions / delusional / emotional?

My father was torturing us by having Ellen Parish, a woman who had HIV, contaminate our food, and cook for us when we were in Middle School. Basically, my father is a monster who was harming innocent children. He should be in jail for metaphorical rape.

My father getting this woman who has HIV to cook for us when we were children is likely why Kelly was afraid I had HIV and brought it up so much, is likely what started the whole panic attack in 2019, and is responsible for me taking HIV PrEP in January 2020.

Is this just what I suspect is true? Nobody has confirmed that my father got a woman with HIV to cook for us. In fact, they tell me how I'm delusional. I'm letting my suspicions become reality.

June 18, 2005

June 18, 2005:

June 29, 2007

June 29, 2007.

Bob Dylan concert. One of the first digital photographs ever taken of me I believe.

woman with HIV

I SUSPECT my father got a woman with HIV to cook for us when we were children. It wasn't his girlfriend. My father was more like Robert William Fisher the America's Most Wanted fugitive hurting children because he was bitter about the divorce. Remember, FEELINGS are not facts.

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (09 23 2023)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (09 23 2023):

Artwork (09 23 2023)

Older Men (09 23 2023):

Nude Photo Shoot (09 23 2023):

Short Stay Motel (09 23 2023):

Homosexuality (09 23 2023):

Sugar Momma (09 23 2023):

Justin Timberlake

I don't think this is a proclamation of delusion of beliefs, Justin Timberlake is related to me in some way. He might be my cousin. They're obviously keeping it secret for me and won't tell me even if it's true. I think this is it.

I had a family member kind of confirm this one is true - Justin Timberlake is my cousin and had a significantly better life than me. I was excluded probably because I'm severely mentally ill. However, through a metaphorical hint, my family member said NSYNC is a boy band like The Spirit Squad from the WWE (who are male cheerleaders). I'm more like badass John Cena. 

Or is this just like the Taylor Swift delusion? I'm proclaiming something that there's no factual evidence for. I'm proclaiming what I suspect is true as if it's actually true. Blurring fantasy and reality is also known as delusion.

Artwork (09 22 2023)

Facts Out Of Feelings (09 22 2023):

Teeny Bopper Music (09 22 2023):

My Dads Coloring (09 22 2023)

My Dads Coloring (09 22 2023):

Facts Out Of Feelings

Dr. Garrett said: "your conviction that your suspicions are true makes facts out of feelings in the form of ideas of reference,  This blinds you to reality rather than allowing you to see deeply into a hidden reality."

Me:

I feel like they're lying to me. I feel like what they're keeping secret is VERY BAD. Emotion is not facts. Don't let what I SUSPECT TO BE TRUE turn into reality.

Nobody has confessed through social media that they're a sadist who tortured me with premeditated intent. That's just what I SUSPECT. However, the facts are everyone was trying to help me and it was an ACCIDENT.

When I get ideas of reference and predicate logic from social media content: CATCH IT, CHECK IT, CHANGE IT. I'm going into an emotional tsunami. Certain posts from before, during, and after the accident are addressing the world. It's not their confession of premeditated torture.

Dr. Garrett, Emails, September 2023, ideas of reference

Dr. Garrett said:

Sep 22, 2023, 5:16 AM

Andrew

These panels are excellent work!  They depict how your conviction that your suspicions are true makes facts out of feelings in the form of ideas of reference,  This blinds you to reality rather than allowing you to see deeply into a hidden reality.  

Dr G

Artwork (09 21 2023)

Feelings Are Not Facts (09 21 2023):

God, Train Car 666 (09 21 2023):

Sadistic Suffering (09 21 2023):

Feeling Of Conviction (09 21 2023)

I have a feeling what happened to me is bad... and it's because of nefarious intentions. But this is a FEELING OF CONVICTION. I'm taking metaphorical clues as facts. I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE LYING. But no one has given me factual evidence. I just SUSPECT IT'S TRUE AT THE MOMENT.

Let's say hypothetically it's true, it's not only as bad as I imagine, it's worse. If I physically assault someone - I'll be going to jail. What they did should be a crime... but it's not technically illegal. ASSUMING it's not all an illusion of conviction and they're not guilty.

I'm a sick man who is IMAGINING nefarious and sadistic plots against me. I IMAGINE I was turned into a laughing stock by monsters for 36 years. This makes me want to EXPLODE in an emotional rage. Maybe my SUSPICIONS aren't true and it's a feeling of conviction that's delusional.

What seems to trigger the feeling of conviction the most is social media. I'll look at benign posts referencing the whole wide world, not me. I'll convince myself they're confessing to sadistic schemes. It's predicate logic, ideas of reference, and Illusions of significance.

Artwork (09 20 2023)

Monsters Behind A Mask, Feeling Of Conviction, Delusion (09 20 2023):

Gaslighting Me, Feeling Of Conviction, Delusion (09 20 2023):

Frog King (My Dads Coloring) (09 20 2023)

Frog King (My Dads Coloring) (09 20 2023):

John Lennon - Imagine AND The Beach Boys - Smiley Smile

John Lennon - Imagine:

The reason John Lennon's song "Imagine" is so triggering is because he imagines the world to be a peaceful place, with everyone loving one another... to a pretentious millionaire, living in a protected bubble, it's easy to imagine the world this way. In reality, it's false.

In the song "Imagine", John Lennon is giving insight into how wonderful his life is even if he doesn't realize it. Imagine someone homeless, or a disabled schizophrenic with minimal money, hearing him preach in a pretentious way. I can see why the song is very aggravating.

Even if you're sick with schizophrenia and not in touch with reality, if you kill a rock legend, you'll automatically become a villain. No one will be sympathetic to your pain in suffering because you're a despicable, envious MURDERER. Try to find healthy ways to get recognized.

Picture being in anonymity, no one caring if you die or wind up homeless... then you see John Lennon saying "peace", "imagine no possessions", and a "brotherhood of man." The source of you self-esteem shouldn't be assassinating some pretentious rockstar. But I can see hating him.

Yes, John Lennon is a hypocritical douche for preaching peace. I can see why his hippie era peeved people. But if you commit murder, even if you're a delusional schizophrenic, you're going to jail... As you should, because murder is unacceptable.

The Beach Boys - Smiley Smile:

Basically, Smiley Smile is a bunt instead of a grand slam. Adulthood is realizing smiley smile isn't that bad. It's one of the better Beach Boys albums. It's just not as good as Smile would have been.

Smiley Smile is okay. A decent Beach Boys record. However Smile would have been a masterpiece. Like Pet Sounds is a masterpiece.

It's still Brian Wilson in his prime. But he rushed through the album. And threw it together in a weekend.

Artwork (09 19 2023)

Emotion And Consequences (09 19 2023):

Feeling Of Conviction (09 19 2023):

Shopping With Mommy (09 19 2023):

Come Sail Away (09 19 2023):

Crown (09 19 2023):

September 19, 2023

September 19, 2023:

Dr. Garrett, Emails, September 2023, HIV Scare

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Sep 19, 2023, 10:20 AM

Andrew

We can start by noting that your imagining that a conspiracy gaslit you into taking PrEP to instill a fear of HIV is quite contrary to facts.  Everyone, including me, attempted to reassure you that you didn't get HIV.  No one actually attempted to amplify your fears.  You did that on your own without anyone's help.

What makes your psychological affliction particularly problematic and difficult to change is that the feeling of conviction that becomes attached to your ideas about nefarious plots against you is itself the problem.  Most people arrive at a feeling of conviction about their beliefs on the basis of factual evidence, in which case the feeling of conviction serves as a roadmap to right beliefs.  In your psychiatric and psychological condition the very thing that most people rely on to guide their thinking  -  a feeling of conviction  -  is a symptom of your malady rather than a solution to an uncertainty.  When you have a feeling of conviction about a sadistic plot, rather than taking that feeling as an indicator of the truth, it is in fact a symptom of your illness, just as running a fever is a sign of having an infection.  In the case of an infection, temperature is a sign of illness.  In your case, a feeling of conviction is a sign of illness.  I know this is entirely counter-intuitive, but in moments of clarity you know that the vast conspiratorial apparatus you imagine focused on you and its ever changing content (are you your father's son, or Billy Joel's son or a wrestler's son) is an illusion.  I also understand that attempts to show you how your mind works feel to you, with some degree of conviction, as thought people are trying to cover up atrocities by trying to convince you that you have a mental disorder, in which case the entirety of your psychological and psychiatric treatment may feel to you as one aspect of an elaborate gaslighting conspiracy.  People don't confess to gaslighting you because nobody in gaslighting you.  But, in the face of your illusory feeling of conviction, which is itself a core symptom of your disturbance, you believe that because people don't confess then everyone is lying.  You speak about exploding in rage were anyone to confirm your suspicions.  No one is going to confess to being part of the sadistic scheme you imagine because your family, Kelly, and your doctors are not part of such a conspiracy.  You are imagining the possibility of explosive violence and not caring about the consequences.  God forbid you should attack anyone.  If you did, you will have harmed someone not guilty of the crimes you imagine and the practical consequence would be your going to prison.  

HIV Scare Posts (09 19 2023)

I know someone who is IRRATIONALLY AFRAID of rabies and asbestos. Basically, the HIV scare is like if rabies and asbestos was a transmittable disease. I freaked the fuck out over nothing and wound up taking PrEP for a month. No one did it to me intentionally to hurt me.

Tell me the truth, you gave me the HIV scare with premeditated intent. The whole thing was planned. I was gaslit into taking prep.

They are monsters behind the mask, gaslighters, and sadistic deceivers who wanted to metaphorically rape me by making me feel HIV positive. They should be in prison for rape. It's no delusion or emotional tsunami. This is really what happened. They conspired into hurting me.

It's obvious that they're keeping major secrets from me, and one of the major secrets is they conspired and intentionally gave me the HIV scare. I can read it all over their faces. It's so obvious it was intentional and premeditated that they might as well just admit it.

It's obvious the HIV scare was premeditated and intentional. I wish these psychopaths and sexual sadists would confirm what I know is true. They're clearly lying. That is the most infuriating part... TELL ME THE TRUTH. YOU METAPHORICALLY RAPED ME BY GASLIGHTING ME INTO TAKE PrEP.

The problem is if they tell me the truth, the God's honest truth about EVERYTHING, I'm going to explode into an EMOTIONAL RAGE and not care about the consequences... As anyone who this was done to should. I'll be unable to control. So they tell me I'm "delusional."

HIV Scare Posts (09 18 2023)

Tell me the truth about what happened. Stop giving me metaphorical clues. Was the HIV scare premeditated? Did they INTEND to hurt me? If so, why did they do it? I'll likely fly into an IRRATIONAL RAGE and won't care if I go to jail IF I discover what I SUSPECT is true.

In 2019, I was at rock bottom and needed help. They took someone who was described as a "clean baby" and made my feel HIV positive. They metaphorically raped me. Why did they do it? Because they're sadistic psychopaths? Or is there some delusional motivation about religion?

If they did it intentionally they should be in prison. I felt like a virgin. Now I feel raped, damaged, and metaphorically HIV positive. If what they did is not illegal - gaslighting someone innocent into having an HIV scare - it should be. They should be locked away.

UPDATE:

I take a post I see on social media, OR someone in public looking at me, as a confession that HIV scare was premeditated. They say I'm having an emotional tsunami, I'm going to retract what I've just said when I calm down. No one is giving me hints that I was intentionally hurt.

It seems like I get most of the emotional tsunamis after I have my coffee and when I'm working out on the treadmill at the gym. Maybe in the future, I should make a pact with myself to not use social media while I'm on the treadmill. My thoughts seem to be haywire when exercising.

Kelly and HIV Scare Posts (09 17 2023)

I wish someone would tell me the truth. It's obvious the HIV scare was premeditated.

I don't know who I can trust... If anyone.

Kelly (a woman I dated) conspired into giving my an HIV scare in January 2020 with premeditated intent that led to me taking PrEP. There are others who I suspect are involved. I just want somebody to confirm what I know is true. But they continue to lie to and gaslight me.

It's pretty clear Kelly intended to give me the HIV scare. Who else is to blame? Tell me the truth.

UPDATE:

Some people say the beliefs I'm getting about Kelly - that she's a MONSTER - are delusions. Actually, in reality, she's the best thing to happen to me in recent years... if ever. It's not a crime to breakup with someone. But it FEELS LIKE Kelly has committed a crime against me.

Pain is UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCE of our breakup. She did not intend for me to feel pain. She's not my mother - it was my choice to sit in solitude and pour my life down the drain. She didn't want to be in a relationship. Why would she help me when I accuse her of being a MONSTER?!

The reason I believe Kelly gave me the HIV scare is metaphorical clues I see on social media and in photographs. It's predicate logic, ideas of reference, and then illusions of significance. She HAS NOT confessed into giving me the HIV scare. My mind is playing tricks on me.

When I say Kelly is "obviously lying to me", it's obvious to me that she is, but the reason she says she's not lying is because most likely she's TELLING THE TRUTH. There is no deception or gaslighting.

I get rapid delusional mood swings going from Kelly loves me, to ten minutes later thinking she conspired into killing me, back to she loves me in twenty minutes. There is a real problem with how my mind works. When I become emotional I can see people with the SATAN GLASSES LENS.

Kelly and HIV Scare Posts (09 16 2023)

Be honest with me, did you give me the HIV scare with premeditated intent?

Stop giving me metaphorical clues and tell me what I know is true - which is the HIV scare was done with premeditated intent. Why did you do it? Who else was involved and conspired? Just be honest with me.

The HIV scare was obviously done intentionally. I know Kelly is to blame, she's basically confessed it through metaphoric clues in photographs and on social media. Who else conspired? I don't know who else is to blame.

I want the truth... unfortunately, the truth they're keeping concealed from me is BAD... VERY BAD. It's not going to be pretty when they tell me, to put it mildly. Right now, ignorance is bliss. I can't react based on what I SUSPECT is true. Though, I basically know it's true.

The only reason I can think of why I'm not rich and famous, the only reason I can think of why this is continuing is there is something they're stifling and trying to conceal. Though, it's obviously premeditated. They know I'm going to EXPLODE INTO AN IRRATIONAL RAGE WHEN I LEARN

The sad part is I STILL truly love Kelly... but yeah, it's over, no matter how much I don't want it to be.

I don't know why I'm expecting Kelly to help me when I'm accusing her of causing the HIV scare... BUT I do love her and I really need help. I'm waiting for Godot to help me. Kelly isn't coming.

HIV Scare Posts (09 15 2023)

Post 01:

If they gave me the HIV scare with premeditated intent, not only is there no future for a romantic relationship, they won't even be my friend again in the future. With that said, I'm told it was an accident, no debris was placed, and there was no gaslighting. They're not lying.

Post 02:

I was already having trouble meeting women because of my serve mental illness and had been pretty much involuntarily celibate for my whole life even prior to the HIV scare. Taking PrEP is just another trauma that makes women avoid me. No one wants to date someone who took PrEP.

Post 03:

I am told PrEP does not infect you with HIV. It prevents an HIV infection from developing. The only thing about HIV and PrEP that's the same is HIV in the subject. Though, I feel damaged, I'm HIV negative. I just have mental health damages from having taken PrEP in January 2020.

Post 04:

Something obviously happened in January 2020, they know it, and they're lying. I wish they would just admit it. The only reason I can think of why they don't tell me what happened in January 2020 is because they know I'm going to be so upset.

Post 05:

They should really tell me the truth about what happened in late 2019 and January 2020 because it's obvious they're lying.

Artwork (09 14 2023)

Rapid Delusional Mood Swings (09 14 2023):

Changing Beliefs (09 14 2023):

Tell Me The Truth (09 14 2023):

Dr. Natural - The Monster (09 14 2023):

September 13, 2023

September 13, 2023:

September 14, 2023

September 14, 2023: