September 27, 2021:
Post 01:
My drawings aren't "good", but they're honest, child-like, relate to mental health, and express how I'm feeling. It's my own style.
My drawing ability has improved since 2018. Practice makes perfect. Maybe I should take a drawing class for fun and continue my improvement.
September 28, 2021:
Post 01:
I was carrying around a bag in NYC today. I placed it on train seats, on subway floor, at the psychosocial clubhouse, it went EVERYWHERE with me. I noticed the bag gave me two big scratches on my arm. Is there any contamination fear I have to worry about? Is it an HIV risk?
Post 02:
I'm having contamination fears from being in New York City today. It's a feeling of being corrupted with HIV, now my life has changed forever. I don't know what the contaminant is, the object keeps changing. Let it go. I showered. I haven't acquired anything life-threatening.
September 29, 2021:
Post 01:
I'd like to make a crystal clear I hit nobody with my car. If I did, I would know. But tonight I hit a pothole, my car dipped down, and I'm afraid. Although there's no way, I want to go back and check the location. I'm afraid of jail. Life and happiness coming to an abrupt end.
Post 02:
My psychopharmacologist is strongly encouraging me to take Vraylar. I'm very reluctant. I don't want to be on any other meds. If anything, I want to come down. Mental illness, psychiatric medication, and everything involved is such a nightmare. If you don't struggle you're lucky.
I've been reluctant to start Vraylar for months, maybe years now. It's a hardcore antipsychotic drug. I'm on two other ones at the moment, Latuda and Invega. Vraylar it's meant to replace them in the end. But while I transition I'll be on 3 at once. That's why reluctant to start.
Post 03:
The carrot man (from my artwork) started out as The Carrot Family. A Wonderland, child-like, fantasy universe that's a little disturbing. It's also represented Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd. Lastly, it's represented me. It's a daydream world creature. There's many carrot men, there's not just one.
September 30, 2021:
Post 01:
I don't know why I even call my mom. I wanted to tell her I have a best friend who I love, am selling my artwork, things are finally getting good after years of hell. All she wanted to talk about is herself and how much she hates my dad.
Post 02:
When I tell my mom about my recent accomplishments, she's like a parent who asks a child who scores a 96% on a school test: "What happened to the other four points?"
She's not happy for my success, isn't empathetic about the hell I lived though. She tells me how we have no money.
Post 03:
I could shine like the sun, have billions of dollars from selling artwork, and it still wouldn't be good enough for my mom. She'd be unimpressed and critical of my work... But she'd happy for her easy life. Rather then seek vengeance, be happy with myself, and don't focus on her.
Post 04:
I don't understand why my dad is rude to restaurant waiters. It means he's not a nice person. I told him how our family is friendly with the lady who works at the Chinese restaurant around the corner. Now I'm associated with him. He proceeds to act like a jerk. It was intentional.
Post 05:
Dr. Natural asked: "Andrew Are you OK? I sense more distress/agitation in these pictures than is typically the case for you?"
I said to him: "No need to worry. I'm ok."
People might think I'm doing poorly, but I've actually had a good few days. But who knows? I'm always sick.
Post 06:
I feel like even when I'm doing well mentally, I'm still sick and doing poorly mentally. I've never been 100% healthy. Hell, I have never been 70% healthy. Maybe 69%.
Will I ever have complete peace and calmness where my past problems feel So Far Away (like the song by Staind)?
Post 07:
I witnessed a violent incident at the psychosocial clubhouse I go to. A man smashed a vase after screaming and shouting. It was frightening, makes me afraid for my safety, and reluctant to return. What if he had a weapon? What if he got physical with another person? Scary!
Post 08:
Although there's no security or metal detector at the psychosocial clubhouse, I think more security would be a good thing. I know don't assume mentally ill people are more violent, it creates an atmosphere of fear, not family... But what if somebody enters with a weapon?
Post 09:
To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't even go to the psychosocial clubhouse if my BFF didn't keep pushing me. I'm afraid sooner or later something bad is going to happen and I don't want to be there when it does.
Post 10:
I feel unsafe everywhere, don't relate to people, am constantly alone in my head. I've made progress since August 2019, have met friends, become more social. Get tough. Get confident. The world isn't a warzone. The world isn't a scary place.
Post 11:
It's good to be a risk-taker and rule-bender, but also be safe and smart. If you go into a terrible neighborhood, the likelihood you'll be the victim of violent crime is MUCH GREATER than if you're in the middle-class suburbs. I want to walk on the wild side but also want safety.
