My Father And HIV

The following post is "delusional." THE DELUSIONS HAVE PASSED. But I'm going to leave it public:

I'm deathly afraid my father secretly infected me with HIV when I wasn't aware. As a result, I'll have no girlfriends or friends for the rest of my life. Dr. Natural says my fear of HIV came true. Obviously, I'm not sick or HIV positive. But I wasn't afraid of death or sickness. I was afraid of having no friends for my entire life, complete isolation and solitude. That's exactly what happened to me. FINALLY, I started meeting people at the psychosocial clubhouse in August 2019... 

Even if my dad did secretly infect me with HIV, I could always date an HIV-positive woman. It doesn't mean solitude and suffering. Life isn't over if my dad infected me.

Feel Bad For Stepdad

The following post is "delusional." THE DELUSIONS HAVE PASSED. But I'm going to leave it public:

I feel bad for my stepdad. He has no idea my mother and father are sadistic serial killers and that his wife (my mom) is going to betray him. He's blissfully working on the pool unaware his stepson lived through the holocaust. He has NO CLUE there are problems here. He doesn't see the writing on the wall... even if I tried to tell him, I'd sound crazy. She's not an innocent suburban housewife. She's Hitler. My stepdad is going to be CRUSHED when he finds out his entire life is one big lie. Maybe I'll ask him to adopt me and take his last name when the truth comes out. My dad (Bob Koloski) once called himself The Autumn Solder, after we were talking about Marvel's The Winter Soldier. I think he really meant "Fall Solider" (my stepdad is retired military).

The Holocaust - Why Don't I Feel Empathy About Getting Delusions

The following post is "delusional." THE DELUSIONS HAVE PASSED. But I'm going to leave it public:

My doctor asked me why I don't feel empathy after my delusions about my parents pass. My theory is they're not delusions, I hate my parents, and there's a tremendous amount of truth to what I say. My mom and dad (Bob Koloski) were running a pedophile ring and pimped me out. The suffering I went through was unimaginable. It was like the holocaust.

Then my parents divorced, my mom married my stepdad (who isn't involved), I was bullied in school. My relationship with my parents is a facade. They controlled me like a puppet.

When the holocaust "delusions" rose to the surface they'd gaslight me, tell me I'm crazy, so I suppressed and blinded myself to the trauma. My mom didn't let me see the truth. I had to live pretending the holocaust didn't happen She was keeping me a dependent adult child, robbing me of friends, women, time, and money. My mom and dad pretended to be loving parents in public (in front of doctors for example), the truth is they got sadistic sexual pleasure from my suffering. They controlled my narrative, ruining my credibility. 

I'm afraid to even assert this because my mother and doctors will say I'm crazy. They'll either increase my meds or worse than that hospitalize me.

They've been framing me to look like "The Unabomber" (a serial killer). The truth is I'm not a "serial killer", I'm a loving guy who wants to be loved. I'm the nicest guy on planet earth. They're the sadistic Hitler's who made me live through the holocaust. I'm just having a meltdown from the trauma and isolation.

(This post was probably "delusional" but I'm going to leave it public because it gives great insight into mental illness. Maybe it can help someone who is suffering from "psychosis.")

If what I allege is true, why doesn't my mother kick me on the street and make me homeless? Why put on an enormous, over-the-top facade? If it's true... She makes everyone - including me - question our sanity. I guess this means it's not true, it's "delusional."

The Holocaust Delusions Have Passed

Yesterday, I made some posts that were delusional. I believed them at the time but the delusions have passed. I'm going to share the posts again because they give great insight into mental illness and I want them to be seen.

Post 01:

My mother got sadistic sexual pleasure from torturing me. It was as bad as the holocaust. And there's nothing I can do.

My doctor says there is something I can do, I can make myself successful and break free from the dependency.

But I want vengeance for the unimaginable suffering I lived through, a supreme court case, resulting in my parents going to jail for life. I guess that's a pipe dream.

Post 02:

My memory isn't clear after years of gaslighting by my parents, but I'm afraid something happened and the pedophiles BLAMED ME, ACCUSED ME of being responsible. They'll try framing me for a crime I did not commit. The truth is my dad and the pedophiles are to blame, not me.

Post 03:

Even though my childhood photos trigger me. To someone without emotion from them, a neutral observer, they may look like innocent photographs. It's not proof enough that I lived through the holocaust.

Post 04:

My mother doesn't love me and tortured me throughout my entire life. She is putting on an enormous, over-the-top facade. Why? Why not just kick me in the street and make me homeless? Why keep me dependent? Guilt? Still, she gaslights me and doesn't let me see the truth.

Post 05:

THE DELUSIONS HAVE PASSED. My parents DIDN'T intentionally torture me.

Dr. Natural said:

"It is good if, for now, you don't think your parents are sadistic torturers, but Andrew, there is something missing from the picture.  If you truly believe that "the delusions have passed" you should be feeling a fair amount of distress that you hurt your mother's feelings by calling her a sadistic torturer when it wasn't true.  Do you feel that?"

My reply:

To be honest, I don't feel any empathy for calling my mom a sadistic torturer even after the delusions pass. Maybe I'm angry at her and blame her for the suffering I went through. Even if it wasn't intentionally inflicted like the "holocaust", the suffering I went through was unimaginable. I need to remind myself my mother loves me and I'll try to feel bad about the pain I cause because she didn't want me to go through hell.

Mothers Cooking - "Prison Food"

I call the dinners my parents make me "prison food", but actually people in jail probably eat better than me. When I was on the psych ward my food was at least nutritious and tasty. The food my mother provides for me is uneatable. I can't wait until I can afford REAL FOOD.

Based on my diet alone, I'm going to develop some form of cancer. I either starve or eat the most unnatural garbage ever. I should stop letting my mom control my nutrition and start to shop for myself - she's INFLICTING CANCER by feeding me trash.

My mother said this morning:

"I ll give you snap card...you buy food u want.  I make food all you hate.   I ask what u will eat you say no to it.  So w HG at do I do..   you know how to shop...stop acting like a victim.  You want to do som.ething do it....u just want to be angry but do nothing to help yourself.   I stand on my head doing for you.   But nothing ever good enough......   why?  I think u like having someone to blame.. . There is no pleasing u....  so debit yourself then blame yourself......I cook as favor. Men inb30s should be doing that in their own."

I guess I'll start shopping for myself. It's better I take over that responsibility.

Some Posts (03 29 2021)

Post 01

Some advice I learned the hard way when it comes to performance, make sure you're dressed nicely. In so many videos I look like a slob but I was so handsome.

Post 02

Even if somebody famous or successful isn't my true biological father, like Billy Joel, Syd Barrett, or Vince McMahon... I still rock and will make myself a rockstar even if I don't have the lineage.

Post 03

I'm a 33 year old dependent adult-child. Around my parents I suppress my masculinity and act passive. They enjoy having power and control over me. I can't wait until the power shift happens. Of course I won't be vengeful. Slightly peeved I'll ask: "How did you not see my worth?!"

Post 04

I reached my hand into the toilet. My hand got wet. Is that anything to worry about? Even if there was HIV blood in there, nobody besides me has been in my apartment for weeks, any contaminant would be dead by now. Toilet water on the hand is gross but won't contaminate me.

Post 05

Because of what I was put through I feel vengeful against people who ignored my suffering. They say: let it go, forgive them... but I don't want to forgive them. I want enormous, over-the-top vengeance, where I have a ridiculously loud last laugh. Then I'll be an EPIC ROCKSTAR!

August 10, 2014 (Panera Zoo York 12)

 August 10, 2014.

Panera Zoo York 12.

Panera Zoo York 05.

My Mother Is Like Hitler

I just had a telephone conversation with my mother. She was going on an aggressively ignorant racist rant for a half-hour until I had enough and hung up on her. I believe she was INTENTIONALLY trying to rile me up and inflict poor mental health, and she succeeded. Emotion overtook me. I believe she's a sadist that's as bad as Hitler. She was trying to sabotage (and even kill) me. She's wearing a loving mother mask in public, she's really Satan behind it (a liar). She destroyed my life, gets sexual pleasure from my suffering, she's a sexual pervert. She is vengeful and incapable of giving love. She kept me a dependent adult child for my entire life, was holding me as her prisoner, then when she dies I won't know how to function. Her loving mother mask is all a facade. Now I'm coming unglued from the unimaginable suffering I lived through. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE:

I was getting sick for this post. The delusions have passed. But I want to leave the post public because it gives great insight into mental illness.

Some Posts (03 28 2021)

Post 01

I met a really good friend at the psychosocial clubhouse in NYC. Understandably I won't be seeing this friend for about a month. Sadly, it'll be a month of no in-person socialization if I don't take action. If anybody wants to be my friend, please reach out. Otherwise deprivation.

Post 02

A month of no in-person socialization will only lead to madness. While madness will lead to epic artwork, it's awful for my mental health. I need to reach out to people, look into social clubs, dating websites, and if anybody sees this who wants to be my friend don't hesitate.

Post 03

Social isolation and deprivation is the story of my life. There are barriers that prevent friendships from developing such as extreme self-consciousness, anxiety, lack of social skills, coming across a little strange. If I push I'm a charming and likable guy. I can meet friends.

Post 04

I've been getting poor nights sleep every night for a while. I had my heat up for the winter, never turned it down. Two nights ago, I adjusted the air conditioning then turned it off. I slept like a baby two nights in a row. The temperature in my apartment was affecting my sleep.

Post 05

When you have a very good friend you often don't want any other friends and want your social life to revolve around them, but life is fleeting. It's important to have many friends because if that friend is occupied then you'll be left with nobody. I like warm and happy friends.

Post 06

About my performance song The Boss. It was initially made back in 2010 for my fake rock band AKEX. Then I did some performances of it in 2016, and again today in March 2021. I've never publicly posted it because I was afraid it was too controversial. But I decided to today.

Post 07

I'm so full of stress and frustration that my brain feels like it's going to EXPLODE. I just don't care anymore, I've SNAPPED and will do whatever it takes to make myself a success... As long as it's in an internet fantasyland and not the real world.

Post 08

They tell me to take my fire, intensity, and drive to succeed and apply it to the real world. You can ferociously SCREAM on social media, but I've been doing that for years, it hasn't resulted in success. However, if I took an acting class or comedy class, it may lead to success.

November 27, 2008

 November 27, 2008:

Artwork (03 27 2021)

Movie (03 27 2021)

Imaginary Girlfriend (Not Real) (03 27 2021):

The Gaze (My Dads Coloring) (03 27 2021)

The Gaze (My Dads Coloring) (03 27 2021):

Artwork (03 26 2021)

Punched A Hole In The Wall:

Butterfly:

Lightning Explosion:

Hockey (My Moms Coloring)

Hockey (My Moms Coloring):

She's Not Hitler

What my mother says:

"Fine ignore me treat me like shit you ve been doing it 2 years or more now. I've become the target of your hatrd not dad ...it was always dad. But me who did everything never stopped trying...what changed. Bob's the bomb now. Well I'll be leaving tomorrow.... I am going to get your stuff in order.. I am so worn and broken and sick and all you care about is yourself. Silly me... thanks for being a son who loved me who asked mom I'm so worried how can I h er lp you. No it's all as bout you. Well I'm am too sick to care anymore. I gave you all mynlove you gave me hate distain.....how cruel you are hope you can live with that when I am gone"

What I think about her (according to Dr. Natural):

You are as bad as Hitler.  You are a sadist.  You are a liar.  You have destroyed my life.  You are a sexual pervert.  You are vengeful.  You incapable of giving love.

Dr. Natural says I need to be more empathetic with my mother - she's not Hitler.  

NYC Apartment

I'm very frustrated, unhappy with my living arraignments, and need to be around young people - social and independent. I might try moving into NYC. I'd do my best to have private space or the right roommate. I'm going to ask the psychosocial clubhouse if they can help with this.

My Home

Something that very frustrating about my mother, she yells at me for an hour straight, I'm passive and don't say anything. She blames me, accuses me of being nasty, says I'm not empathetic towards her, is critical of my friends. Then when I fly into a rage and punch a hole in the wall afterward, which is rare by the way, I usually just internalize and submit, all the abuse she sent my was MY FAULT. Actually, even if I didn't react, I'd STILL be viewed as the child, she never takes responsibility for her abuse. So I aggressively SCREAM on video hoping that's my ticket to FREEDOM (Hollywood Superstardom)

I just don't care anymore. I can't take any more torture or pain.

I'm so nice. She's just a miserable person. I think the problem is my stepdad. He gets between my mother and I. Prevents us from having a relationship. He's the most miserable man on planet earth. I won't get into that. But I hate my stepdad, so I view my mom with no empathy, she's cold to me too. I've been home all day in an emotionally empty environment since September 2016.

In my teenage years and early twenties, I had no girlfriends. My mother would shame me and make me embarrassed. I'm not sure if it was intentionally inflicted. But even an innocent hug with a woman or talking to a woman made me feel funny. It's NATURAL TO TALK WITH WOMEN... but I digress. I'm also told getting bullied in middle and high school, with no social skills could've been the real problem. Actually, my mother built me an apartment and allows me to bring friends over. Maybe she wasn't preventing me from having friends. Then again, the home environment wasn't enticing to women. Who wants to party with the crazy, goober, boring family?

As my doctor says, even if my mom was preventing me from socializing as a child. Right now, my chains are internal, not maternal.

It sucks being 33-years-old and financially dependent on mommy. I'm so full of frustration that I'll make a video so sensational, so over-the-top, it will instantaneously get me out of this hellhole.

Social media is my ticket to freedom. My parents and doctors tell me I'm delusional and it'll end badly. I'm optimistic it'll end with success. Maybe I don't know what to do about my pain and suffering. I tell myself people are watching (delusions), but it's an S.O.S. into the void... and I just don't care anymore.

My mother constantly cries about her problems. Is never empathetic towards my suffering. I want her to FEEL MY PAIN! I'VE BEEN THROUGH ENORMOUS HELL!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not even sure why my mom is so miserable. I think she hates her life. Everything is a problem for my mother. And she's verbally abusive to me because I'm the only one who'll take it. I'm passive and sometimes react by punching a wall, which gives her more of an excuse to be abusive to me.

For the most part, I've been deprived of friends for MY WHOLE LIFE. Me alone in my head, in a daydream land. Internalizing abuse. Once I "punch a wall" she says I need to increase my medicine because I'm unstable. Well maybe if she didn't yell at me for an hour straight, while I listened and internalized, then maybe I wouldn't be filled with pent-up frustrations.

It's just a cold, empty, void household. I want to be loved, I want to give off love. It's so loveless.

She was calling me all day long, sending me nasty texts, so I was ignoring her. It got to the point if I didn't call her I'd be screamed at, if I called her I'd be screamed at. No win situation. So I called her. Then she screamed at me for an hour while I just listened. After being verbally tortured, I punched a hole in the wall. It isn't just this one incident.

She's constantly telling me I'm worthless, the bane of her existence, that I don't empathize with her. I listened to her unloading on me for an hour. She's crazy.

This is just one of her texts "Fine ignore me treat me like shit you ve been doing it 2 years or more now. I've become the target of your hatrd not dad ...it was always dad. But me who did everything never stopped trying...what changed. Bob's the bomb now. Well I'll be leaving tomorrow.... I am going to get your stuff in order.. I am so worn and broken and sick and all you care about is yourself. Silly me... thanks for being a son who loved me who asked mom I'm so worried how can I h er lp you. No it's all as bout you. Well I'm am too sick to care anymore. I gave you all mynlove you gave me hate distain.....how cruel you are hope you can live with that when I am gone"

Punched A Hole In The Wall For The Third Time

My mom screamed at me for an hour straight, she was verbally abusive, so I became INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATED then punched a hole in the wall for the third time in less than a year. Once I do that all her abuse becomes my fault. Whatever.

This is just a small snapshot of what she said:
Fine ignore me treat me like shit you ve been doing it 2 years or more now.  I've become the target of your hatrd not dad ...it was always dad.   But me who did everything never stopped trying...what changed.   Bob's the bomb now.  Well I'll be leaving tomorrow....  I am going to get your stuff in order..   I am so worn and broken and sick and all you care about is yourself.  Silly me...   thanks for being a son who loved me who asked mom I'm so worried how can I h er lp you.   No it's all as bout you.    Well I'm am too sick to care anymore.   I gave you all mynlove you gave me hate distain.....how cruel you are hope you can live with that when I am gone

Rockstar (03 24 2021)

 Rockstar (03 24 2021):

Active Computer Conspiracy

I noticed when I returned from my walk, my computer was on and active, which never happens I always shut it down or put it to sleep. I checked my internet history and recent items on the computer - nothing was suspicious. Though, someone could've cleared history.

I start to fear somebody was in my apartment, knows my password, was sabotaging my computer, whether it's a cyberbully breaking in or the "evil parents" delusion.

The truth is nobody was in my apartment, the door was locked, there's no conspiracy, I must've left it active myself. I'm daydreaming about a sadistic monster framing me for a crime. That I'll be going to jail for something I did not do. It's not real. My parents don't even know how to use the computer. This is all my imagination.

Gallows Humor

There are many things, I realize how terrible they are, but if it's so over the top I can't help but laugh. I won't list specific examples out of fear of sounding horrible. With that said, I can also empathize if I'm not in a giggly mood. Sometimes people assume you don't empathize if you make a joke, but you really can. Gallows humor is so misunderstood in this cancel culture world we're living in. Unfortunately, we don't have Freedom of Speech, if I turned off my "filter" I could make some really funny jokes. It might get me labeled insensitive, would get me suspended from social media, but some might find it hilarious especially if I did my absurd charming delivery. Then again, maybe not making mean-spirited jokes makes you a mature adult.

IMPORTANT: The Narrative

I was SADISTICALLY TORTURED BY MY MOTHER. The suffering I went through was unimaginable. The narrative we've been accepting is she loves me, she's concerned about me, the reason she brings me to doctors is to help me. So many powerful people just accepted this narrative, didn't investigate, she got them to sign off on her lies. The truth is she's wearing a mask, behind it she's really a sadistic monster who tortured me my entire life, deprived me of friendships, girlfriends. She keeps me a dependent adult child intentionally.

By controlling my narrative and telling doctors I'm not lucid, I'm medicated beyond belief. Yes, I do have Schizoaffective disorder, but that was intentionally inflicted. My mother gaslights me, makes me question my sanity. Even by saying this, I'm afraid my psychopharmacologist will increase my meds, or worse than that, hospitalize me.

I suspect somebody powerful is my TRUE biological father. They harmed me to harm him, I was just a pawn in their sick game. But don't assume or daydream anything. The facts are she tortured me.

My mother built me an apartment-like area in 2019. Since July 2019, my mother has been leaving me alone in my apartment to metaphorically die. It's her way of trying to rewrite history. She intentionally kept me dependent, shamed me when it came to women, held me as her prisoner, inflicted so much fear and torture that I was in a nonstop state of panic. 

I feel ready to explode. Like I'm coming unglued and it ruins my credibility. 

I suffer from depersonalization. Everywhere I go I think people view me in a critical way, the neighbors think I'm a mentally ill freak, I don't relate to anyone or anything. I'm a comatose zombie.

I'm so hungry for socialization that my brain feels raw, on fire, like it's ready to explode. I want to EAT. But I've never developed my social skills. I had no friends growing up. I'm afraid this is going to lead to brain cancer. Even this hypochondria is a "SADISTIC MONSTER" making me feel anxious. Think about it, if I have cancer, my life will be over, no friends forever.

I feel like an omega, ashamed of who I am, completely worthless. My mom and dad get sadistic pleasure from my suffering, it turns them on.

Right now, everything is ok in a way, I'm not homeless. My mom is providing me with food, water, shelter. She controls my money, medical forms, and I'm living as a disabled adult child, blinding myself to the grim reality that when she gets older and dies, if I don't get independent, I'll be "up shit creek without a paddle."

So many people throughout the years swept the dirt under the rug, expecting me to never amount to much, gave me lip service because it was too difficult an issue to tackle. 

I thought my ticket to freedom was social media posts, loud S.O.S.'s, crying out for somebody to liberate me from this HELL. It was going into a void.

I suffered so much, want to escape this prison, and experience true love, but I feel unlovable.

____

Dr. Natural replied with:

"Andrew

Not for the first time, the great pain you are in comes through in your email.  We are all hoping that as more and more people get vaccinated possibilities for socializing will open up, and you can continue moving forward in your life.  As you know, I believe that the main thing blocking your independence is the way your mind works.  Who would want to go out into the real world thinking that someone was waiting to intentionally contaminate them and kill them?   How many times have you feared you have been infected or contaminated?   Hundreds of times.   How many times have you been wrong about this?  Hundreds of times.  It is your own mind that tortures you with fears of sadistic contaminators in your neighborhood.  

Two questions for you to think about before our sessions tomorrow.  First, consider two scenarios, Version 1 and Version 2.  In version 1, the bullies who hounded you in school took sadistic pleasure in making you suffer (that's what bullies do), which eventually led to decreased confidence in socializing, which affected your confidence with people in general, and women in particular.   In version 2 your mother has dedicated her life to torturing you because she gets sadistic sexual pleasure from seeing you suffer (she is sexually gratified rather than you).   In version 2 she has orchestrated a very elaborate charade in which what appears to reflect love and her maternal devotion to you is actually a giant scam.  In version 2 she appears loving to cover the opposite - that she isn't loving.   She provides food, clothing, your own apartment (which allows you to be intimate with women) and is making provisions in her estate for you in the event of her death, where is version 2 she is doing all these seeming loving things to cover that fact that she lives to torture you.  

We know that you see sadists everywhere in your neighborhood - at Starbucks, for example.  So, here is my question for tomorrow.   HOW DO YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRUELY LOVING BEHAVIOR and SEEMINGLY LOVING BEHAVIOR THAT IS MEANT TO HIDE SADISM?  You believe that I have been tricked by your mother's seemingly loving behavior, which yes, to me, does seem to show great concern for you.  But you feel you know different.  The fact that you suffer a great deal, which is unquestionably true, cannot be taken as proof of your mother's sadistic intent, because that is part of version 1 - you suffered from the bullies, you fell ill, you mother responded supportively to the suffering she saw you enduring.  You are currently terrified by your persistent feeling of helplessness from which you imagine an eventual rescue by a celebrity.  

In short, you seem to believe you can tell the difference between REAL LOVE and FAKE LOVE. How do you tell the difference?"

I Have More Than 2,000 Dollars In The Bank, I Can't Save Money Because Of My Mother

I'm a disabled adult child whose dependent on his parents. My mother (who is in complete control of my money) tells me I can't save more than 2,000 dollars in the bank because I'll lose Medicaid and SNAP Food Stamps, but I want to. With COVID-19, I haven't been spending as much and my disability money is accumulating.

She just wrote me a check for the stimulus money (1,400 dollars). Right now I have over 2,800 in the bank and 200 more in cash. My mother is SUPPOSED TO write me a check for 740 dollars at the start of next month (my disability money). 

I'm not sure what to do with the remaining cash because I'll have well over 3,000 dollars in assets. She says to put the cash in a safety deposit box. Basically, purchase a 90 dollar box at the bank and start stuffing cash in there. She also says I can store it under a mattress in my apartment. But these all sound like foolish ideas.

My dad suggested opening up a bank account with both of our names on it, I'll be the beneficiary, but it's under his name. So the cash technically becomes his, but I can access it, deposit, and have a card.

Basically, I have money accumulating, I'd like to save the money in MY ACCOUNT, but my mother tells me I'm not allowed to. 

I start to get delusions something nefarious is going on, I'm being intentionally kept an adult child, but the truth is my mother loves me and is protecting me until I begin working full time. Losing  Medicaid and SNAP isn't a good idea?

The Girl (My Dads Coloring) (03 20 2021)

 The Girl (My Dads Coloring) (03 20 2021):

Artwork (03 20 2021)

 Maze:

Monster:

Ducks (03 20 2021)

Ducks (03 20 2021):

Contamination Fear Of The Day (Disgusting Shoes)

It’s time for the contamination fear of the day…

I was making a video outside, drinking a sticky soda-like beverage (San Pellegrino), I poured it on myself for performance purposes. I immediately threw the clothes in the wash, but the “soda” got all over my shoes. I filled up a bucket, dunked the shoes in the water. Dirt, black stuff, water got all over me and my apartment (then I showered). The shoes have been everywhere. In fact, I was just walking around the neighborhood in them. And an hour before that I was at a disgusting train station wearing them. Is this anything to worry about? My biggest fear is something life-changing – like HIV. I don’t believe I stepped on blood or anything like that. As far as I know, it was just dirt. I guess it’s gross but nothing that will life-threateningly contaminate me, right?

Vince McMahon, Donald Trump, Communist Movement

I believe Vince McMahon is a sociopathic narcissist. He pretends he's not a MONSTER to please the shareholders, advertisers, but all he's interested in is making money. He thinks he's God, looks at his talent as peasants, and doesn't really care if they live or die. Everyone in the industry is afraid to speak up because they want to work for him. I realize most CEOs and successful businessmen in America are sociopathic narcissists that pretend they're not well - they can even become President of the U.S.A. - like Donald Trump. But Vince McMahon is an old, boring, unentertaining sociopathic narcissist now. It's time for somebody younger, more hungry, and driven to replace him. Then he can find Jesus and live the rest of his days on some beach island pretending like there's no blood on his hands.

____
This was an anti-capitalist rant. I made Vince McMahon the face of everything that's wrong with the U.S.A.

He is a great entertainer, character, and the genius who made WWE what it is today. He is what he is.

Empathizing with humans, loving people, maybe finding God, is more important than being a greedy billionaire. Being a good person is more important than being rich.


____

Vince is like SATAN taking over territories putting his competition out of business, Jimmy Snuka / Nancy Argentino ALLEGEDLY, the Owen Hart tragedy, concussions in wrestling (Chris Benoit), wrestlers dying young, drug use (like steroids), degrading women on TV, just to name a few things. They really should cancel WWE for its shady past. But Vince is a billionaire and has swept it under the rug, but there's no denying there's blood on his hands. And we're still WWE fans and love Vince because he's a charming character... then again WWE has been atrocious for years now. Are we still WWE fans?!

 ____

About the presidential candidates:

Joe Biden is an elderly man with dementia who can't speak two sentences without sounding unfit, he probably doesn't even realize he's the President of the U.S.A., he doesn't even know he's on Planet Earth. But at least he's nice and isn't a power-hungry, manchild, sociopathic narcissist, who spends all his time trolling social media (like Donald Trump was). With candidates like this, I should get into politics, I have a real shot at being President. Vote for Cell Waters, I'll start the communist movement.

____

Although I didn’t say it, I’ll just be completely honest… when I made the post I was having delusions that Vince McMahon is my biological father, that Vince McMahon is like Satan, and tried to cover up that he had an illegitimate son. My mom and dad tortured me to get vengeance on Vince. Then I was going to team up with the people wronged by WWE, there would be a supreme court case, people associated with WWE (like Donald Trump) would get exposed, then U.S.A. would become communist and I’d be their leader. It’s my the “Gotham City” delusion, only it’s Vince today instead of Billy Joel.

Artwork (03 16 2021)

 Rage (03 16 2021):

Dr Natural Session - Solitude And I Need Socialization (03 16 2021):

CEO, Sociopathic Narcissist, And Sexy Women (03 16 2021):

WWE Fanfiction

This is a rough draft screenplay for a WWE fanfiction movie:

Imagine Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Vince McMahon is a creative genius, the manchild daydreamer who created WWE - the fantasy world - the "chocolate factory." As we know, throughout the years he's had many affairs... and had an illegitimate son - Hornswoggle.

He was trying to find a suitable replacement to inherit the WWE. But nobody was "just right."

First, it was Shane McMahon. But Shane is a passive, beta, doesn't have the aggression and alpha drive to succeed in business.

Then it was Stephanie and Triple H, but they're all about business. They don't have imaginative creativity. They don't have the eccentric manchild, daydreamer personality to be the CEO of the daydream world.

Then he finds out he has an illegitimate son - Hornswoggle. The more he learns about him... he sees Hornswoggle is pure of heart, is a creative daydreamer... Vince McMahon leaves the WWE to Hornswoggle.

Then Hornswoggle puts Vince Russo in charge of creativity to write the screenplay. Lol.

Then Shane, Stephanie, and Triple H become slightly peeved. Chaos begins.

I need help

I need help. I don't know what to do. I'm in a state of panic like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I don't have anybody that I see in person. Day, after day I'm alone. No socialization. I aimlessly walk the neighborhood in a comatose state, numb to life, the neighbors look at me like I'm crazy. I'm 33-years-old and financially dependent on my parents and when they get older and go away I'm doomed. I'm full of intense FRUSTRATION. I'm hungry for friends and a girlfriend, but I don't know how to socialize and think everyone views me in a critical way. I feel so damaged and just want somebody to hug me and tell me it's ok. I'm involved in a psychosocial clubhouse from NYC for severe mental illness, but it's not enough. I'm daydreaming somebody is secretly viewing me, will save me and liberate me from my suffering, but the truth is I need to change my life. I just want somebody to empathize with me and to love me in a warm way. Tell me it's ok. I know you've suffered, but it's going to get better now. Sadly, my future will likely be a nightmare too.

The "Gotham City" Delusion (Batman)

Yesterday, I had a STRONG SUSPICION that Syd Barrett (from Pink Floyd) is my Biological Father.

Dr. Natural said: "I have a strong suspicion that you look like at least 100 or more people other than Syd Barrett, many of whom are not famous.  Strange (though not so strange, because we know why) you should so selective emphasize your similarity to Barrett when many other comparisons are possible."

When I want to believe something, it can BECOME real in my mind, I'm starting to give up the Syd Barrett daydream now. But now the daydream has changed...

Changed Daydream from today:

If you don't know, Syd Barrett was a mentally ill troubled man. I didn't even know who he or Pink Floyd was until my dad told me about them when I was in college. I suspect Billy Joel is my TRUE biological father. My parents hate him because he's arrogant and extremely successful, and my parents tortured me to harm Billy Joel - to "turn me into Syd Barrett." I was just a pawn in their sick game.

I watch sensational comic book movies with my dad, he often makes Batman jokes, talking in The Batman's voice. He's like The Joker and my mom is like Two-Face. They pretend to be loving parents, behind the mask they're like Hitler and want to cause chaos.

My mom said how she was collecting seashells at Gilgo Beach this weekend. That's where the Long Island Serial Killer disposed of his bodies. It triggered predicate logic that my mother is a serial killer. She tortured me, deprived me of friendships, socialization, money, independence. She inflicted severe mental illness. Controlled my narrative, spoke FOR ME in front of doctors, while PRETENDING to be a loving mother.

After internalizing for YEARS, I feel ready to EXPLODE. My mom and dad are framing me to look like a psychotic, disturbed, mentally ill lunatic, while they sit back and watch me ruin my credibility. Doctors are confirming my parents' false narrative story.

My Stepdad isn't aware, my mom and dad are conspiring behind his back. He'll be used as a tool to discredit what I say.

Then when The Batman's Gotham City TRUTH is revealed... the school system, doctors, Billy Joel, and I will be destroyed. They'll be chaos in the U.S.A. - and it'll be framed on me, the man who was tortured by them.

I need to remind myself "there I go again". Yesterday it was Syd Barrett, today it's Billy Joel and the "Gotham City" delusion. My parents love me, they aren't like Hitler, there's no conspiracy. Nobody is secretly watching me. They'll be no supreme court case. Leave my internet fantasyland. Get a job and meet friends in the REAL WORLD. My chains are internal, not maternal. 

My Brain

All drama aside, I'm so full of frustration from YEARS of social isolation that my brain feels like it's ready to explode, it's ON FIRE, and I can't function. What is the long-term psychological damage? Bad mental health can affect physical health (cancer). It's not funny! Help!

Artwork (03 13 2021)

Imaginary Girlfriend:

Trapped:

Soulmate Woman:

Heart Love (My Dads Coloring) (03 13 2021)

Heart Love (My Dads Coloring) (03 13 2021):

https://photos.app.goo.gl/W5H6qfYfV7sMV5in6

June 13, 2001

June 13, 2001. 

Middle School Graduation.

The Wall Concert

Roger Waters (from Pink Floyd) - The Wall Concert at the Nassau Coliseum (October 13, 2010):

https://photos.app.goo.gl/QzUyzMXjZw6QGWJf9

March 1995

 March 1995:

Syd Barrett

I do look like Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd, right?

https://photos.app.goo.gl/CVkTketH9oCDb56f7

Artwork (03 12 2021)

Dr. Natural Session - Antisocial:

Dr. Natural Session - Disney CEO:

The Real Superheros:

Contamination Fears:

My Mom's Antisocial

My Mom's Antisocial:

(fixed it with a better pen):

Some Posts (03 11 2021)

Post 01

I overly exaggerate my personality because I have a cynical sense of humor, but I'm not lying, what I'm saying is true. Or maybe I've been living in a fantasyland for so long that I can't even tell what is a daydream "professional wrestling character" and what is reality.

Post 02

Imagine my delusions were right and there was going to be a supreme court case where I attempt to put my parents in jail for torturing me. They would play one of my videos where I was talking like the The Joker from Batman, and their defense would be it's a character.

Post 03

If I want to be taken seriously, and I'm not sure if I do, then lose The Joker gimmick. Then again I'm not looking to be a professional, I'm looking to be a performance artist. So why not play a sensational character. It's not like I'm going to court anytime soon.

Post 04

So many professionals, like doctors and people within the school system, are afraid to truly investigate someone or something because they're afraid of losing their profession, they'd rather not get involved, so I'll give them no choice but to get involved. You're welcome!

Post 05

I'm a very nice guy who was hurt badly by bullies. Now I have schizoaffective disorder, which developed because I was traumatized in my childhood, everyone is afraid and critical of me like I'm a mentally ill FREAK. I feel like I'm wearing The Scarlet Letter. I want to be loved!

Post 06

Before you put the president, business owners, and CEOs on a pedestal, realize many of them are narcissistic sociopaths who don't care if you live or die. They view you as a worthless peasant. Don't be intimidated by them, respect them, or need them. Don't give them power!

Post 07

In ordinary life, I'm EXTREMELY anxious, afraid of my own shadow, I never speak-up for myself. So I spend my days alone on the internet. In my internet fantasyland, there I'm a "tough guy." There's no MONSTER who will intimidate me. Maybe I don't grasp anybody is reading this.

Post 08

I suffer from psychosis Double Bookkeeping. Meaning, I can both believe an "undercover boss" is reading my posts, and also believe my posts are going into a VOID, and not be concerned with the inconsistencies.

Some Posts (03 10 2021)

Post 01

I need help. I can't take this frustration and pain. I need a friend and socialization. Help me please.

Post 02

I'm a daydreamer who created a fantasyland online. I tell people I'm not going to just be rich and famous, super rich and famous, like Walt Disney famous. They dismiss me as crazy, say I'm having delusions of grandeur and anybody else who agrees with me need their head checked.

Post 03

Very intelligent people tell me this is going to end badly. Am I a super genius or can they not see my brilliance? This is going to end with me being an iconic artist CEO of a major motion picture company. If you daydream big you can subvert conventional success. I'm not crazy.

Post 04

I'm tired of acting like I'm a crazy, defective, worthless loser. Doctors tell me I'm charming but it's all delusions. I'm thinking to myself: they say I'm critical and think I'm above people, they clearly think they're above me, and I'm going to be the genius rich iconic artist.

Post 05

Are they blind? People who are supposed to be exceptionally brilliant can't see that this is unprecedented brilliance. My gamble is going to pay off in a big way. This won't end badly. This is going to be legendary. Everyone tells me I'm delusional. Nobody else can see my vision.

Post 06

I don't care what anybody says, I'm going to get more INTENSE, more FERIOUCIOUS. I believe there's an undercover boss who is watching me. When the time is right, I'm going to be liberated from my suffering, then will be a BILLIONAIRE CEO. Right now, everybody tells me I'm "crazy"

Post 07

Actually, I'm a very loving and accepting person who thinks he's above no one. I'm frustrated when people can't see my vision. Doctors tell me I'm insane and that I think I'm superior to people. They don't say it, but they project that think they're above ME. It's ironic.

Some Posts (03 09 2021) - DADDY SATAN

Post 01:

Somebody with the username DADDY SATAN followed me. This triggered me that my DADDY is SATAN in secret and he'll betray me. I need to remind myself this is IDEAS OF REFERENCE. The user has NOTHING to do with me.

Post 02:

Since reducing the Invega, my doctor asked me if my delusions have changed or if it's the same ones. It's the same delusions, I just feel more intense about them. The Invega lobotomizes emotional hysteria. On lower meds, I also feel better, more human, get fewer adverse effects.

Post 03:

I feel like people look at me in a critical way. As if I'm a mentally ill FREAK, damaged, defective. The truth is I suffered so much and want to be loved. I want to be a good guy. I'm a soft little bunny with a heart of gold on the inside, but everyone is scared of me.

Post 04:

After the HORROR and TORTURE I've been through, I have a hard time relating to people and meeting friends. I DESPERATELY need a friend but don't know how to socialize, nobody wants to be my friend since I'm a FREAK, so I live in a delusional world where I daydreaming about love.

Post 05:

I'm not a fictional character like Deadpool or Darth Vader. I'm a hurt, sad man who wants somebody to love him. I'm begging for liberation and help from this hell. I've been sending out S.O.S.'s for years. My cries are going into a VOID. It's easier to turn a blind eye.

Post 06:

Rather than turn into a RAGED-FILLED MONSTER seeking vengeance, I'll reject a grandiose life to spite the power-hungry MONSTERS who tortured me. I'll live in a small home, with a realistic job, a loving wife, kids. Then again, maybe I am publically screaming for grandiose change.

Post 07:

People thought I'd never amount to much, that I'd be a disabled worthless loser his whole life. All they had to do was give me lip-service, create the illusion they were helping, and eventually the problem would go away. The truth is I'm a hardworking genius, capable of success.

Help

Life is fleeting and we're all doomed. People become so obsessed with money and power that they lose sight of humanity. These power-hunger millionaires and billionaires, if they're not helping people, are horrible people and going to hell from a conceptual point of view.

I've been through ABSOLUTE HELL. It motivated me to get ferocious with my acting and comedy, make myself undeniable. Who cares that if I get to be Deadpool in a Marvel movie now. I'll reject success just to spite people who want more from me, I'll be satisfied with a simple life.

I'm in pain and when you're in pain you can be mean. I want to be a good person, help people. I'm not happy right now and I need help.

Deadpool

"Oh boy, I'm going to create a YouTube channel..."

You're welcome Canada.

 

Misc (03 07 2021)

 

The To Do List My Mom Gave Me (05 04 2016) and Mom Page (01 27 2017)

The following are letters my mother wrote to me in 2016 and 2017. 

The To Do List My Mom Gave Me (05 04 2016):

Mom Page (01 27 2017):

Some Posts (03 06 2021)

Post 01:

I have a very good sense of humor.

Post 02:

Sometimes I'm joking and you might not realize I'm joking... but it's possible I am... or maybe not.

Post 03:

I like aggressively ignorant tasteless humor, especially if it's well done. I should go full deranged psycho with my mentally ill gimmick. In this politically correct, cancel culture society, we need to PRETEND it's offensive and not funny, plus social media would surely ban me.

Post 04:

I want to be the next Billie Eilish or Tom Holland. Sadly, I'm getting too old to be a movie star. I should've pursued acting and comedy while I was still young. No matter how hard I work, no matter how sensational I get, I'll have to be a disabled adult-child my whole life. :(

Post 05:

I'm getting my COVID-19 vaccine today (I don't really want to). My mom got my doctor to sign off with some smooth-talking. She told them I had cognitive and neurological (ADHD), the truth is I have Schizoaffective disorder. You can get anything approved if you know what to say.

Post 06:

I'm fed up, had enough, and don't want my parents to have power and control over me anymore. I'm trying to get liberated from my shackles through sensational screams of horror on social media. Maybe something will happen someday. For now, I'm screaming into the VOID!

Post 07:

I slightly reduced my psychiatric medication with my psychopharmacologist's approval. I feel more alert, energized, more like a human being, not a lobotomized zombie. It feels like I'm been in shackles and I'm freeing my mind, hopefully, I can continue to free myself from this.

IMPORTANT CONCERN - Public Restroom Toilet Water In My Face

I want somebody to take me seriously and want a doctor to answer my question. Can you get HIV from getting public restroom toilet water in the face? Is there anything else that can contaminate you?

I got a significant amount of public restroom toilet water in my face after vomiting because the psychiatric medications cause esophagus paralysis. I was "choking", ran to the bathroom in a panic, put my hands in my mouth after touching the bathroom door, everyone was looking at me (embarrassing), but the grossest was the toilet water in the face and I had open cuts on my face because I recently shaved. It was a nightmare and I'm afraid I contracted something life-changing. Everyone tells me I'll be fine. But the fear and obsessing about it is driving me insane.

Please watch the video I made about it:

UPDATE:

A Physician on Reddit (User name: kittencalledmeow) said:
"HIV is transmitted through blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk. It is very unlikely you will contract anything from the toilet water. Regarding the cuts on your face you just need to watch them for signs of infection. Most toilet water is filtered drinking water (in the US)."

I read in response to someone who had a similar question (from a Google search):

"Basically, even if there were blood from an HIV positive person in the toilet there'd be no way for it to infect you. This is because of a lot of things: way too much time had passed since the blood would have left the other person's body, the temperature of the water would most certainly kill the HIV, the water would have diluted the blood to such a degree that there wouldn't be enough to infect someone. Each one of these three reasons alone is enough to tell us "no risk." And they're ALL true in your situation.

Hope this helps!

Erik"

Lastly, Dr. Natural said: "No risk of HIV."

I'm trying to let the OCD, contamination fear of sadistic monster thoughts go. This isn't anything to be worried about.

My Stepdad - The Monster

I have a fear of a sadistic monster that haunts me everywhere I go. The monster was sadistically trying to frighten me. I also feel they were even trying to kill me. I say in therapy it's the bullies from middle and high school, but down I feel my stepdad is the monster.

Artwork (03 03 2021)

Contamination Fears:

I Fear Driving (Car):

Monster:

When I look at the third panel, my stepdad immediately comes to mind. However, I was just drawing without really thinking too deeply about it

March 3, 2021

 March 3, 2021:

Esophagus Paralysis And Toilet Water In The Face

I went to a restaurant (Miller's Ale House) and was eating a cheeseburger. While eating it became caught in my esophagus - the psych medication problem. I went to the bathroom to vomit it, I succeeded, but a lot of toilet water splashed in my face. It's a PUBLIC RESTROOM. It was a nightmare. My questions: can you prescribe something for swallowing? And can you get contaminated from toilet water? I'm really worried and grossed out.

Some Posts (03 02 2021)

Post 01:

Sometimes what you see on the surface might APPEAR a little scary, but once you dig a little bit deeper you'll discover I'm the kindest, most compassionate man on Planet Earth. I truly am like an adorable bunny or Yorkie puppy.

Post 02:

If you can tell, I was trolling with my two videos today. There's A LOT of truth to it, but I was exaggerating my personality to appear like The Joker from Batman. They say if I want to be taken seriously lose the sensational character... but do I want to be taken seriously?!

Post 03:

What I say is true, I'm not lying. How I present myself while talking about it is the part where I'm trolling. Most people can't laugh at their mental illness. It's typically regarded as very serious. It's not one big joke, and I need to be more afraid of how my mind works.

Post 04:

Thanks to Dr. Natural, I'm able to talk about my delusions as if they're delusions. Down deep, I still believe certain delusions are real, especially the ones where celebrities know who I am. It's called double-booking. Maybe if I talk about it enough I can give up the daydream.

Post 05:

I'm full of frustration, rage, and intensity seeking change. I'm told investing in social media posts as my ticket to freedom is a pipe dream. Have they seen my posts?! It's a goldmine. It should be turned into a book, a movie. It's a masterpiece. I'm so unbelievably talented.

Post 06:

I'm expecting a Fairy Godmother to come along and transform my life upon their arrival, to liberate me from my pain and suffering. This boils down to wanting my mother to live my life for me. If I want success then I have to seize it myself. Nobody will do it for you.

Post 07:

The truth is I don't want to work in business, marketing, peer specialist work, realist jobs. I want to be a successful artist. It's very competitive, but I'm the VERY BEST. The cream will rise to the top. I'm waiting for my mother's permission and validation. I have to do it.

Post 08:

When I become frustrated that I don't have success or socialization, I blame my mother. Say she's doing it to me. When a baby is hungry its mother feeds him, therefore his mother is responsible for his hunger. Basically, I'm like a hungry baby that wants mommy to meet my friends.

Post 09:

Am I really delusional about the worth of my social media posts (like everyone says I am)? Or am I sitting on a goldmine, it's only a matter of time before I go viral, the chain-reaction happens, and I'm the most epic movie star on planet earth? Accept it's Delusions of Grandeur?

Post 10:

I'm so frustrated. I want a life. I must accept the REAL WORLD is my ticket to freedom, social media posts are poring my life down the drain. I can't give up the social media daydream. I'm so furiously intense and invested in it.

Post 11:

To people who are critical of me, you wish you looked like me or had my talent. Go ahead, laugh at me because I know I'm superior to you.

Post 12:

I often daydream there's a secret admirer who will liberate my pain and suffering upon their arrival. Right now, they're making me suffer, but they'll liberate me soon and then we'll be rockstars. That's a delusion, there's nobody besides people who are presently in my life.

Post 13:

My social media posts are cathartic, but they're a stream of consciousness unorganized emotion. There's potential here. But I need to organize my posts, edit, refine them. Nobody is going to do the hard work for me. If I want to create my masterpiece - I HAVE TO CREATE IT MYSELF!

Post 14:

Let's analyze my daydream. An over-the-top sensational video goes viral, then everyone jumps down the rabbit hole, a chain reaction happens, all my posts go viral, Hollywood contacts me about making an epic movie, I become the most famous rockstar on plant Earth. Delusional? Lol.