Some Posts (12 31 2021)

Post 01:

I constantly cry how I poured most of my life down the drain... But in so many ways, 2021 was the most successful year of my lifetime. I made new friends, successfully performed stand-up comedy many times, sold artwork at an art gallery. Hopefully, in 2022 the success continues!

Post 02:

My mother said: "We make our success if you go after it then it most definitely will.  If uou stay still then nothing will happen..   you have the knowledge, talent don t waste time.  Seize the day....."

Post 03:

I need to keep pushing for my success. Not sit back and watch life pass me by. 2021 was a great year for me because of the action I took in the real world. I took a lot of action online with social media artwork too. But most satisfaction comes from socialization in the real life.

Post 04:

Unless my father is a psychopath who enjoys messing with the mind of his schizoaffective son, I'm certain he confirmed that something significant happened on New Year's in my childhood. The people I suspected were involved, the day, he was telling me wasn't delusional.

Post 05:

My father is a psychopath who took pleasure in harming me as sadistically as a serial killer. And there's not a thing I can do about it because I look severely mentally ill, uncredible, and delusional. While my torturers look lucid and have families.

Post 06:

My mother puts on the facade that she doesn't realize my father was torturing me, but she's wearing a mask. Behind her mask, she knows exactly what my father did. Then she gaslights and brainwashes me into thinking the torture didn't happen. Her family is involved too.

Post 07:

My father doesn't come right out and say what happened, he talks in metaphors, talks in double-meanings. He says it without saying it. Today, I have no doubt he was telling me a lot of what I was saying in 2011, that got me diagnosed, significantly medicated - wasn't delusional.

Post 08:

The people who should've been protecting me were really my sadistic persecutors. My parents got pleasure from harming me, while acting like they weren't doing anything nefarious, convincing everybody that I am the crazy one.

Post 09:

Don't daydream and embellish what's happening here. There's no denying my parents are disappointing, unloving, and don't hear me when I speak... But that doesn't mean they INTENTIONALLY tortured me. Maybe they were just incapable and did the best they could.

Post 10:

I didn't take the Latuda last night yet again. So I am being non-compliant with my psychopharmacologists treatment. He thinks stopping the antipsychotic is going to have a negative result. Do you think I should start taking it again?

Post 11:

People are telling me my posts are delusional and to take my medication as prescribed. It feels real, but it's not real. It's really unfortunate because so many adverse side effects were getting better and I was hoping to be medication free, completely off everything, very soon.

Post 12:

I did tell my psychopharmacologist that I was going to stop taking the Latuda, he said take it every other day instead of just stopping it entirely, but didn't think it's a good idea. He knows I was doing it.

I'll take my meds as prescribed and take Latuda 20 mg every day again.

Post 13:

People are telling me I'm getting close to a setback. So I'm going to resume my medication as prescribed. My psychopharmacologist thought eliminating the Latuda 20 mg was a bad idea and it seems like he was right. I guess the meds are more effective than I realized.

Post 14:

The criminal abuse delusions are like metaphors. It's anger at my father and parents. I want them to empathize with me, hear me, and love me. It feels like they did the worst things imaginable to me. The emotion is true. It feels true. But it's like a metaphor.

Post 15:

I get the delusion my father seeing me is one big long con joke to him. Somebody powerful is my real biological father. My father tortured me in my childhood. He's creating a facade. Preparing for a supreme court case. This is so far-fetched.

Post 16:

Robert is most likely is my biological father, not a criminal mastermind. Somebody suggested that I ask him to take a paternity test to put an end to these delusions once and for all. I don't think he'd ever agree to do it, though.

Post 17:

No delusion. The following is not embellished. He did indicate he doesn't care what I do in a cruel way. Implying he doesn't care about me. When I was overexercising (from 2005 - 2011), if I died, it really wouldn't have affected him. This angered me.

Post 18:

My father doesn't need to see me as an adult man. I get delusions it's a long con, he's creating a facade, preparing for a supreme court case, to sabotage me. The truth is he's seeing me because he loves me. There's no crime cover-up.

Artwork (12 31 2021)

 2021, New Year (12 31 2021):

2022, Happy New Year (12 31 2021):

New Year (My Dads Coloring) (12 31 2021)

New Year (My Dads Coloring) (12 31 2021):

Some Posts (12/29/2021 - 12/30/2021)

December 29, 2021:

Post 01:

At the cleaning station at gym, everybody was using the spray on the left side and the towel dispenser in the front, so I decided to use the one on the right and back. The cardboard sign/flag, fell down there and was at half-mast. I hit my head on it, I didn't bleed, but worried.

Post 02:

Let's say an HIV positive person hit their head and gave themselves a paper cut on that cardboard flag / sign, then I did moments later, is this an HIV contamination risk? I know the likelihood is I just hit my head and no contamination happened. Let It go. I'm fine. Relax now.

Post 03:

I clipped my fingernails because they were getting way too long. I accidentally cut one of two way too short. I'll be going to the gym tomorrow. I'm afraid it's like an open cut and fear contamination. Don't worry. I bit my nails for most of my life and never got contaminated.

Post 04:

I'm not even exaggerating when I say I accidentally clipped this nail way too short, it's almost as bad, if not worse, than when I was biting it. Maybe I should skip the gym tomorrow. Don't give in to the contamination fears. Say in my head, DON'T WORRY AND GO TO THE GYM! Right?

Post 05:

The bottoms of my gym shoes brushed the sleeve of my coat. I used their public restroom, walked on the treadmill, was all throughout a public gym. I wondering if I should wash my coat? Or who cares? I'm worried about contamination fears. Send my worries up to God. Let it go!

Post 06:

I'm so frustrated living in solitary confinement every single day. I want to come unglued.

Realize my mother might be nasty, cold, unloving, but SHE IS NOT HOLDING ME PRISONER. If I want a life I have the ability to do it. The door is wide open.

Don't punch a hole in the wall.

Post 07:

I see college-age women who have a crush on Tom Holland - the kid who plays Spider-Man. He's ok... I guess. But when I was that age, I was so much more badass. I threw my boyish looks in the trash. I had so much potential to rock and roll and proceeded to waste my life. It sucks.

Post 08:

I was watching these attractive women in their early twenties work out at the gym. They're so energetic and loose on the treadmill. They work out with ease. I'm old and my whole body hurts. I struggle to get through my workouts. I wish I was young again.

December 30, 2021:

Post 01:

I know I was doing self-pity, begging people to hang out with me on New Years Eve for when it becomes 2022, crying how I'll be solitary. The more I think about it, it might be better if I socialize with my dad on NEW YEARS DAY for the usual stuff we do.

Post 02:

Sitting in my small apartment with my dad all night long, just to watch the ball drop and say "Happy New Year" at 2022 sounds good on paper... But in many ways, it might be easier if I was alone, then I do the usual activities with my dad on NEW YEARS DAY!

Post 03:

I feel like my mother is holding me as a prisoner in solitary confinement. She never interacts with me. I think she's putting on a facade. Through texts and calls, she suggests things for me to do, like go to NAMI, take a comedy class, reach out to old friends. She doesn't care.

Post 04:

I feel so unloved. I spend every day completely isolated. My life is unimaginable pain and suffering.

I was unloved by my parents and I'm crying out for somebody to truly empathize with me and love me.

Don't seek vengeance on my parents because they put me through hell.

Post 05:

My mother knows exactly what she's doing. She's leaving in here alone, all day long, every single day, and when she does interact with me she screams at me and tells me what a loser I am. You'd be full of rage and want to come unglued too. I need somebody to love me before I snap.

Post 06:

I'm alone in my head daydreaming all day long, unloved, unheard. My parents aren't the solution to my problem. They'll lead to more problems, then the inevitable doom when they die if I'm still dependent.

Living in the real world, getting a life with peers my age is the answer.

Post 07:

I want friends and not to be alone 24/7. I know my mother blames COVID-19, but even before the pandemic, my parents left me in solitary confinement, unheard, unloved. Frankly, I can't take the absence of human interaction anymore. It feels like torture. I'm ready to come unglued.

Post 08:

The steps I'm taking to meet people? I'm taking no steps at all. I'm just wasting day after day. I can cry, do self-pity, say I feel defective, damaged, have extreme self-consciousness, no social skills, panic attacks. I don't know.

Post 09:

When I say I'm "ready to come unglued" - what do I mean by that? I guess I'm at my wit's end. I can't take any more pain. If my mom screams at me, mentally abuses me and I'm passive, it's not impossible I might punch a hole in the wall then a night of horror will begin.

Post 10:

I'm not taking my medication as directed. My psychopharmacologist told me he wouldn't be comfortable with me starting to come off the Latuda, but I decided to start taking it every other day, then a month from now plan to stop it.

Post 11:

As people say: I need to get out of the house. Living in the real world and socialization is the key to recovery. Sitting in solitary confinement is not my mother's fault, it's mine, and is going to only lead to me going insane... AGAIN!

I NEED COLD (09 11 2008) AND Daydreaming In Math Class (12 30 2021)

 I NEED COLD (09 11 2008):

I NEED COLD, Daydreaming In Math Class (12 30 2021):

December 29, 2008

December 29, 2008:

The Warlock ((AK Williams)) (05 17 2010)

The Warlock ((AK Williams)) (05 17 2010):

March 16, 2017 and March 17, 2017

March 16, 2017:

March 17, 2017:

GASLIGHTING ME

My mother really is GASLIGHTING ME. She rants at me. Some of what she's saying is her lying narrative. Other times it's her yelling. She triggered me into getting riled up, then I look crazy. I'm being set up to look like "The Unabomber." The reality is I'm being tortured.

Artwork (12 29 2021)

 Mask (12 29 2021):

All Alone, Buffoon (12 29 2021):

The Carrot Man (12 29 2021):

Hypocritical Politician (12 29 2021):

Help!, Near Homeless, A Void Life, Emptiness (My Moms Coloring) (12 29 2021)

Help!, Near Homeless, A Void Life, Emptiness (My Moms Coloring) (12 29 2021):

No New Year's Eve Plans

I have no plans for new years eve... For all intents and purposes, I'll be celebrating the holiday alone.

I canceled on my mental health friends because they want to go to a lounge in New York City, it's a lot of money, I don't drink, I'll be commuting alone, I'll be headed home around 1 am, the city is dangerous. SO I'M NOT GOING!

I asked The Swell BoyZ (my childhood male friends) if they want to do something, but they said "no." They're fair-weather friends. They're probably doing something better. It's sad my social life revolved around such bad friends for so many years.

I tried reaching out to "ex-girlfriends" and women I socialized with in the past. They all indicated they're not interested.

The psychosocial clubhouse is closed because of COVID-19 Omicron Variant. 

At this moment, there's no opportunity for socialization with peers this new year. That's why I'm reaching out to MY PARENTS. So I don't celebrate the day alone in solitary confinement.

I guess we could watch the ball drop on TV and get a pizza.

My mother is screaming at me to make plans with my father, to force him to do something with me. She also made valid points about it being dangerous on the road and COVID-19 contamination. So she's not going to interact with me.

My dad said over the phone this morning he doesn't like new years, is not celebrating it, and is going to bed early. 

I would like to do something on the day, not be solitary. 

My mother is yelling at me to force myself over my dad's house, which I haven't been to since December 24, 2019. Before that, I only went very infrequently on holidays. But I don't want to go to Dad's. But my mom is screaming at me to force myself over his house.

It's my responsibility to meet friends, get a life, etc... And not depend on my parents for my holiday happiness.

I WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH A SOULMATE WOMAN! Not get screamed at by unempathetic parents who want nothing to do with me, who put me in the middle of their fight with each other.

But as of this moment, my social life revolves around my parents.

Sadly, this year, most likely I'll be celebrating the day alone. Maybe solitude and early to bed is better than going out anyway.

It sucks I'm financially dependent on my mother at 34-years-old.

Artwork (12 28 2021)

 Trauma (12 28 2021):

Soulmate Woman (12 28 2021):

Help Me! (12 28 2021):

The Social Anxiety Mask (My Moms Coloring) (12 28 2021)

The Social Anxiety Mask (My Moms Coloring) (12 28 2021):

The Lizard metaphor (my psychopharmacologist)

Be careful using comic book movies as a metaphor, that's my father's trap to turn this into a farce. We talked about the Spider-Man villain The Lizard, how he's a mad professor, turns himself into a Lizard, then thinks the next step in human evolution is to turn everybody into Lizards. Was it a metaphor for my psychopharmacologist? He thinks overmedicating is a good idea, but everybody knows it's probably killing me (including my parents), even though "research" hasn't proven it yet.

Andrew (12 15 2017)

This photo was taken on December 15, 2017. Although I probably wasn't intending to illustrate it at the time, looking back at old photos, I think this PERFECTLY sums up my feelings about the hellish home environment I was living in. Powerless, passive, and full of frustration.

Andrew (12 20 2019)

This photo was taken on December 20, 2019. It's me in a Taylor Swift t-shirt holding onto the book "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" by, Joanne Greenberg. I never read it, but it's a book about mental illness and living in a fantasy world. Wearing the Trump hat was a mistake.

Andrew (12 27 2021)

 

Some Posts (12 27 2021)

Post 01:

I'm aware my psychopharmacologist calls it "psychosis", but yesterday I did artwork with my mom. I barely saw her over the holidays. I don't even see her anymore. I'm basically solitary. When we were doing artwork out back, it was surreal, she began telling me what a loser I am.

Post 02:

I wanted to have a nice time with my mother because I hadn't seen her in so long. She was gaslighting me, calling me mentally ill, a loser, made an insensitive HIV joke, while I remained passive and tried to improve her mood. Then I threw an angry temper tantrum on social media.

Post 03:

I swear my mother knows I'm not that mentally ill. She's the sadistic monster who torturing me. By mentally abusing me and pretending like she's not, she's getting me to react, look so exaggerated and deranged. My psychopharmacologist calls it "psychosis". I call it abuse.

Post 04:

I hate to use a feel-good sensational comic book movie as an example of betrayal, but I'm like Spider-Man and my father's like Mysterio, only he's much more sadistic and evil. He's planning a betrayal that's so over the top it will chill my blood and make me sick to my stomach.

Post 05:

I'm this naive little man child who is trusting a psychopath because I don't have a life, my life revolves around my psychopathic parents. Since I don't have financial independence, and I'm solitary for the most part, I'm trusting somebody who's going to metaphorically murder me.

Post 06:

I need to be careful when I fall into the trap my father set, comparing his torture to sensational professional wrestling or a comic book movie. These examples will turn the very serious situation into a farce and a comedy. That's his goal. To ruin my credibility.

Post 07:

There I go again with the psychosis. My parents aren't criminals and torturers. They're not lying, wearing a mask of loving parents, behind it they're sadistic monsters. It's delusions. My parents love me. They won't betray me in an evil way. There's no deception going on.

Post 08:

My parents might try to claim the one who is wearing the mask is ME. They're phonies and liars. I want them to be REAL. I want them to take an interest in me, to listen, to be real and loving. They'd rather talk about nothing significant and yell at me. I feel very unheard.

Post 09:

I know my psychopharmacologist calls it "psychosis", BUT if he was unloved by his parents, they didn't take an interest in his life. He had no financial independence, his parents might've been sabotaging his friendships, at the very least had no friendships... He'd be insane too.

Post 10:

I was at a restaurant with my father today. He used the restroom. He loves me, is on my side, isn't going to betray me. He knows my worst fear is HIV then being alone FOREVER. He wouldn't secretly betray me and try to contaminate me. He's not a psychopath. HE LOVES ME!

The Comatose Mask (12 27 2021)

The Comatose Mask (12 27 2021):

Hiding Behind A Mask (My Dads Coloring) (12 27 2021)

Hiding Behind A Mask (My Dads Coloring) (12 27 2021):

Some Posts (12 26 2021)

Post 01:

I have an open cut on my hand.

Then I was having a man pump my gas for me, fill up my gas tank. I was waiting a while for him. Then he arrived. His hands were wet. It seemed like he just came from the restroom. I tried not to touch his hands when I gave him money. CONTAMINATION?

Post 02:

I know my parents tell me not to use the bathroom at the gym because I'm constantly sending the contamination fears text messages about my negative experiences in there. However, I also can't complete my workout if I have a full bladder. So I need to use it to prepare to workout.

Post 03:

I had two gym bathroom contamination fears incidents today.

First, I scratched the sink handle with my nail. Everybody touches the handle with gross hands.

Secondly, water from the sink countertop dripped onto my shoe and got my sock wet.

Are either of these scenarios a risk?

Post 04:

I asked my psychopharmacologist if I can come off Latuda 20 mg, he said: "I believe we are headed for problems sooner rather than later. You are too close to the psychosis for me to be comfortable". I want to come off the Latuda, then slowly come off the Invega 6 mg, and cabergoline 2 mg weekly. I want to be on no meds soon enough.

Post 05:

I'm aware he's not comfortable with me coming off the Latuda. But since the decrease in other meds, I've been fine. I think Dr. Natural, meeting friends in NYC, and distancing myself from parents helped with my recovery. The meds aren't necessary like they once were.

Post 06:

I'll talk to Dr. Natural Tuesday, but I plan on taking Latuda 20 mg every other day, then a month from now being off it entirely.

In so many ways, I feel so much better on significantly less meds. I'm now more like a human being. I was being chemically lobotomized before.

Post 07:

Assuming I'm getting delusional about my mother depriving me of friendship, financial Independence, and a life to torture me in my past.

Recently: Maybe she's trying to rewrite history and create a facade, but she suggests things. It's my trauma that prevents me from living.

Post 08:

Maybe in the past my mother was torturing me to sabotage my life... But right now, what I lived through messed me up so badly that I don't know how to be independent, socialize, or live in the real world. My mother is leaving me to look like I'm incapable of living on my own.

Post 09:

Although some might call it "psychosis" and "delusions", I call it treat me with kindness and empathy, don't force me to be passive and internalize, then I won't get angry daydreams about you. If you truly love me I won't feel you're torturing me and a sadistic monster.

Post 10:

My father is pretending to be my buddy like he's on my side, but he's going to have a sensational over-the-top betrayal. Like how Mysterio dupes Spider-Man. Or Hulk Hogan turned heel and created the nWo. I hope to be like Batista and turn face on Triple H before he turns on me.

Post 11:

The real world isn't innocent and feel-good, like sensational professional wrestling or a comic book movie. The villain in real life can be a psychopath that's a million times eviler than fictional, Hollywood, Darth Vader. Hollywood shelters the public from truly disturbing evil.

Post 12:

Assuming my father isn't a pure evil psychopath and I'm getting delusional. There's going to be no sensational betrayal. Nobody was trying to kill me.

Maybe I haven't encountered true evil. I hear it chills your blood and makes you feel sick to your stomach when you do.

Post 13:

The majority of every day I'm all alone. It feels like I'm in solitary confinement. I get angry my mom is like Warden Norton from The Shawshank Redemption. A sadistic monster who is torturing me. I'm like Andy Dufresne. This is not what's happening here. I'm free to live my life.

Post 14:

Maybe in years past my mother was like Warden Norton, a sadistic torturer who was sabotaging my life. BUT RIGHT NOW, she's pretending that I don't exist, leaving me completely isolated. Basically, I look like I'm unable to function without her living my life for me.

Post 15:

Remember, my parents love me, they're not preparing for an upcoming supreme court case.

If I want a life, get a job to make some money, meet friends, then BEGIN.

I feel extremely self-conscious in the real world, though. Like I'm this freak everyone's horrified looking at.

Post 16:

Even if I'm delusional about my parents and they're not torturers... These posts could be turned into an epic mental health-related screenplay. I don't understand why Hollywood hasn't rescued me yet. My art shines so brightly it actually glistens. I should be rich and famous.  

Artwork (12 26 2021)

Will I Ever Be Loved? (12 26 2021):

Gaslighting (12 26 2021):

The Good-Boy Mask (12 26 2021):

Time Of Our Life (My Moms Coloring) (12 26 2021)

Time Of Our Life (My Moms Coloring) (12 26 2021):

Papi And The Wildman (12 25 2021)

Papi And The Wildman (12 25 2021):

Dr. Natural's Reply To My Christmas Eve "MOM IS SATAN" Temper Tantrum

About my mother's nasty text message that said, "I felt sad and dissappointed that you didn t Even say merry xmas or think of anyone here today....not even thanks i love my gifts your wonderful 4 all you do.  Sick and all.    Very very sad"

Then my "MOM IS SATAN" temper tantrum that followed afterward,

Dr. Natural said in reply:

"Andrew

I am not taking sides here, but did you take the initiative to wish your mother a Merry Christmas and thank her for her support before she sent you the email about how disappointed she was?  As you know, part of the task in your recovery is the challenge of getting along with people, empathizing with them, trying to meet their needs."

Christmas Eve And Mother (12 24 2021)

Post 01:

My mother sent me a nasty text message that said, "I felt sad and dissappointed that you didn t Even say merry xmas or think of anyone here today....not even thanks i love my gifts your wonderful 4 all you do.  Sick and all.    Very very sad"

Post 02:

It's like my mother's gaslighting me and playing the victim. I was in a great mood, was trying to enjoy the holiday. She didn't want to be around me because of Omicron variant. And she seemed so angry and peeved about something. Frankly, I have no idea what she was even mad about

Post 03:

It was MY MOTHER who was in a bad mood. I was just happy to be around people briefly today, out of SOLITARY CONFINEMENT for a moment. Then she makes up these imaginary problems that don't exist. It's like she's INTENTIONALLY bullying me and torturing me mentally.

Post 04:

Thank God I'm no longer in my mother's part of the house. Today was our Christmas. We're doing nothing tomorrow. I wanted to enjoy the holiday, but she's in a bad mood, looking for a fight, wants to rile me up, trigger me into reacting. In here I can ignore her texts and calls.

Post 05:

When somebody is hostile and nasty to you through texts and calls you often have the urge to reply to defend yourself, but try the best I can to ignore my mother. It'll only escalate and lead to problems on CHRISTMAS. She's looking for a fight. She wants me to act crazy. Ignore!

Post 06:

Sometimes with my mother...

It's like just by being around her is walking on eggshells. I'm passive and she takes her rage out on me. She gaslights me, plays the victim, tells me why I'm wrong.

Today, I'm in a good mood, was trying to enjoy the holiday. The problem is HER!

Post 07:

The really crazy thing about my mother's mental abuse, I'm the only one she victimizes and bullies. She can't do it to any other family members. I'm the only one she has power over. That's why it's horrible I'm financially dependent on her at 34. She looks at me as a burden.

Post 08:

If my mother isn't putting on a facade for an upcoming supreme court case. I know, it's delusional. My parents put me through hell. But they're my parents. I can't put them in jail for what they've done to me.

The reason she's so sad today is her OWN FAULT. She's the problem.

Post 09:

I'm very vocal on social media about my frustrations with my mother. Around her in person, I assert none of this. I don't say a word to her because if I did, she would scream and shout at me, it would be the beginning of a night of horror. Don't let her rile me up. Say nothing!

Post 10:

Social media might make me appear like a rage-filled lunatic. The truth is in real-life interactions, I'm extremely passive. After internalizing my mother's abuse on CHRISTMAS EVE, I have nobody to talk to, am ISOLATED. I let it out in a temper tantrum online. Then I look crazy.

Post 11:

Don't let my internalized rage overtake me, get delusional, and create metaphors. Yes, it feels like I am being TORTURED BY MY MOTHER. It feels like she's doing it intentionally, doing the worst things imaginable to me. Calm down, don't daydream, and embellish what's happening.

Christmas Eve (12 24 2021)

Christmas Eve (12 24 2021):

Some Posts (12/21/2021 - 12/23/2021)

December 21, 2021:

Post 01:

I put on my city shoes that I wore on Saturday then put in my headphone ear buds. The ear buds irritate the ear and almost give me a cut. Basically, it's THERE I GO AGAIN. Same broken record. The contamination risk here is 0%. Right?

Post 02:

I accidentally kicked the side of the seat on the train where everybody walks and hurt my foot. Is this an HIV contamination risk? I don't think it drew blood, it didn't go through shoe, but my foot stung for a moment. The seat would have to puncture my foot. A 0% risk  I'm ok.

Post 03:

I Lysol disinfected the bottoms of my city shoes when I got home from NYC then I put them away. My shoelace touched the bottom of the shoe and got wet with Lysol. I made sure the shoelace was on top of the shoe, but when doing that the wetness got on my hand. Contamination risk?

Post 04:

Even if there was HIV on the bottoms of my shoes from NYC, during the train ride home it would've died, the Lysol disinfectant would've killed it. A wet shoelace that touched the bottom of my city shoes, getting on my hand and under my nail is gross, but the HIV risk is almost 0%.

December 22, 2021:

Post 01:

I brought this hand sanitizer with me into NYC yesterday, used it with dirty hands. Today, while sitting in front of my computer, I absentmindedly put the top, which I touched with city hands, in my mouth and began to chew. Is this a contamination risk? A 0% risk, right?

December 23, 2021:

Post 01:

A few years ago, Dr. Natural suggested I try writing a screenplay. I don't think he expected me to kick ass as well as I did. He suggested it... And I'm like, I'm going to prove you wrong and put a lot of effort into it. A few days ago I posted the result. It's pretty good!

Post 02:

If anybody reads my screenplay, a lot of it is autobiographical. Or based on reality.

BUT... The Swell Boys part is like Beavis and Butt-Head. I did have fair-weather friends like them, but not that over-the-top, and the scenes with them are often exaggerated for comedy.

Post 03:

I'm thinking The Swell Boys scenes need to either be toned down or cut from the screenplay entirely.

Post 04:

Years ago, Dr. Natural told me to take my screenplay off my blog, make it private, don't allow everybody to see it.

Is he right?

I was afraid of people stealing my artwork.

It's public again.

Should I be careful when creating a "blurring fiction and based on reality" work?

Post 05:

For all intents and purposes, this Christmas I'm going to be solitary and isolated. That's the story of my life. I'm so frustrated, I want to be celebrating it with a woman, starting a life. This year my mother isn't letting anybody in the house because of the omicron variant.

Post 06:

This year, like many previous years, Christmas is going to be just another day where I waste my life isolated. Only on Christmas, the gym is closed and I can't go. I can't depend on my parents to make Christmas special. They won't. I need to meet friends and get a girlfriend.

Post 07:

Sometimes when I think my mother is Satan (delusion), I feel she's intentionally depriving me of Christmas and a life to torture me, while creating the facade she's having a celebration for the upcoming supreme court case where she tries to blame me for being delusional.

Post 08:

Basically, we're not having Christmas this year due to omicron. I'm going to be isolated most of the day. Don't get angry at my parents and family. At 34-years-old it's my responsibility to create my own life and to have a happy Christmas. Don't depend on my mom for happiness.

Post 09:

No Christmas for me this year. My family doesn't want to celebrate. It'll be solitude. Don't get angry. Instead, get motivated. Come back with determination. Next year will be different. I'll no longer isolate, meet friends. This year I'll focus on creating epic artwork I guess.

Post 10:

Focus on transforming MY LIFE, not just a single day like Christmas. Christmas isn't a magical day, it's a gigantic capitalistic commercial scam. I should cry about the lifetime of pain and suffering, not solitude on the "most special day of the year."

Post 11:

I'm so hungry and frustrated for a woman and a life that my brain feels full of stress. The pain is unbearable. It's been going on for what feels like my whole life. I want to SCREAM and SHOUT. Make me rich and famous. Make me independent. SOMEBODY SAVE ME RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!!!

I'm So Sorry (12 22 2021)

I'm So Sorry (12 22 2021):

Dr. Natural asked me: "Who are the characters in the "I am so sorry" panel?  I can guess but want to know who is expressing an apology for what?"

At first, I wasn't going to answer him and was going to let the artwork speak for itself... but what the hell? I'll leave no room for interpretation and TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS.

____

The person in the bottom right corner who feels "guilty" is meant to be a woman. She's sorry for hurting a man. The characters in the panel were in a relationship at one time. Boyfriend/girlfriend.

The man was a man-child loser who was going nowhere with his life, but she cared for him. She left him. Then he proceeded to become solitary, isolated, pour his life down the drain for years after she left him. 

The man replies he forgives her in small, plain text. Meaning, her betrayal really hurt him, he's damaged, may never recover, but he has to forgive her for both of them to move on with their lives.

____

What I was really thinking of, though, was a professional wrestler who was playing a buffoonish character. The company he worked for is responsible for killing him through gross negligence. It was such a disturbing story. I was disturbed and I don't know anybody involved personally. 

I know if I were in charge, I'd feel guilty and wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

____

Although it could also be sadistic bullies from high school, who took pleasure in harming somebody... Then years later they see the kid they bullied really damaged and they feel bad... Assuming they're not sociopaths and are capable of regretting what they've done.

____

Or it could be somebody who had a friend who was becoming unpopular in school. This friend was a bully to him by betraying him, no longer wanting to associate with him, he wanted to fit in and be cool in high school. 

The friend he abandoned became mentally ill and wasted his life.

____

My life couldn't have turned out much worse, and this artwork is certainly not about my parents feeling empathy about how my life turned out because they have none and view me as a burden.

I Was Wasting My Life, Then I Met My BFF (12 22 2021)

I Was Wasting My Life, Then I Met My BFF (12 22 2021):

Peace And Joy (My Dads Coloring) (12 22 2021)

Peace And Joy (My Dads Coloring) (12 22 2021):

The Sexy Santa (12 22 2021)

The Sexy Santa (12 22 2021):

Some Posts (12/20/2021 and 12/21/2021)

December 20, 2021:

Post 01:

I'm distanced from my mother and stepfather in my apartment, but when I get small doses of them, I remember what MONSTERS they were. I just heard my stepdad screaming at the dogs out back. Earlier today, my mother was screaming at me over the phone. They put me through hell.

Post 02:

I was powerless, had to be well behaved, and take my parents abuse and submit. I want VENGEANCE, but acting out is exactly what they want me to do. The only REVENGE that will get to them and make them miserable is to make myself independent and extremely successful.

December 21, 2021:

Post 01:

Every week something is wrong with my groceries, it triggers OCD and makes me look insane. For example, this week, the seal over the Ovaltine powder was half removed. Meaning, it COULD'VE been contaminated. So I don't want to drink it. Every week something like this happens.

Post 02:

I need to remind myself my parents LOVE ME. They're not playing mind games with me, bullying me, trying to get me to look insane. They're not preparing for a supreme court case. Yes, I can get riled up by my parents, but thinking they're sadistic torturers is a DELUSION.

Post 03:

Today, for a video, I wore a Santa Christmas hat that was on the floor, and touched my city shoes. The hats been everywhere in my apartment. I'm worried about contamination. Even if there was HIV on my shoes, which there most likely wasn't, the virus would be dead by today.

Post 04:

I have potential friendships I can develop in NYC. I discovered when I'm not safe, being protected by my ex-girlfriend, I hate being independent in NYC. With this male good-intentioned buddy, I could see a movie or get dinner, but I feel overwhelming anxiety and want to stay home.

Post 05:

Social anxiety and agoraphobia make me stay home isolated. I get really frustrated, miserable, and mentally ill when I'm alone. Socialization would be more effective in my recovery than any psychiatric medication, but I get overwhelming panic attacks before I socialize. Help me!

Post 06:

Before my ex-girlfriend and NYC, I was solitary, poring my life down the drain.

I look at NYC as a WARZONE...

Criminals, contamination, danger all around.

I felt OVERWHELMING ANXIETY and clung to her like she was leading me around the most dangerous place on planet earth.

Post 07:

The truth is before "taking risks" with my ex-girlfriend I had no life. I had SO MUCH WASTED TIME. Sometimes I was at places I didn't want to be, but the majority of the time I was having the most fun of my life with her. After days I didn't want to go, I usually came home happy.

Post 08:

Before going to the comedy show this past Saturday, I was having overwhelming anxiety anticipating my "death." The reality was I socialized with good-intentioned friends. Rock and rolled on stage. The day improved my mental health and I came home that night happy. Glad I went!

Post 09:

Despite having extreme anxiety, imagining death and horror would happen in NYC on Saturday, I went and actually had FUN!

If I listened to my brain saying "don't go, isolate, avoid", I'd never have the wonderful experience that improved my mental health and life.

Post 10:

Today, I'm going to NYC to exchange gifts with my ex-girlfriend. I'm imagining the city is going to be empty due to COVID-19, afraid of getting attacked by a criminal, contamination fears. What's the alternative? Staying home safe and sound, solitary, then getting mentally ill?

Post 11:

If you go into the REAL WORLD, you can encounter danger, and sometimes things happen that are bad...

If you hide at home, you'll pour your life down the drain, be miserable, and never have a life.

Most of the time in the REAL WORLD I have fun anyway. The bullies are long ago.

Screenplay (2019 and 2020)

Screenplay (2019 and 2020). 

It's very NSFW. Don't know where to post it. I guess don't worry about talking about controversial things. Just post it.

 https://cellwaters.blogspot.com/p/screenplay-2019-and-2020.html

Ex-Girlfriend Posts (12 20 2021)

Post 01:

I'm getting mixed messages about what I should do about my ex-girlfriend, I want to see her to exchange Christmas gifts tomorrow. But my mother is aggressively trying to have me end the friendship. She's acting like I was dramatically, over-the-top, betrayed by her. It isn't true.

Post 02:

I said to my mom: Let me make an adult decision for myself. After talking with my ex-girlfriend, I'm going tomorrow. We're still best friends, I made a lot of friends through her, we're still going to socialize. We'll exchange Christmas gifts and celebrate the holiday at a lounge.

Post 03:

I formed lots of special bonds and friendships in the last year. Made a lot of progress. My ex-girlfriend still wants to help me. She's NOT a bully. Dr. Natural once said she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Post 04:

I know my mom means well, but she gets too involved in my friendships and tries to control what I should do. She doesn't know my relationship. I won't get hurt, and if I do you learn and grow from making mistakes. My decision is to see my ex-girlfriend tomorrow. It'll be fun.

Post 05:

My mom said:

"Ok, you are right. I just feel bad and hurt for you. I agree she has helped you. But in truth Andrew needs to rock and roll for Andrew.....sometimes depending too much on friends, family, others can hurt us.  Only our growth makes us soar ahead.

I know deep in your heart you are hurting and it causes me pain....but you are a grown man.....good luck my son"

Breakup Posts (12 19 2021)

Post 01:

My friend is interested in another person and will be moving on. I'm going to cancel future plans with her - including new years. I paid her $130, I asked her to reimburse me. I'm not working, that's a lot of money for me. I hope she gives me the money back. We'll see.

Post 02:

I want to end this wishing each other the best in the future and move on with fond memories. We'll see if she returns the $130.00 I paid for NYE or keeps my money. It's a character test. Realistically she doesn't have to give me the money back and I can't do anything about it.

Post 03:

I'm sorry for accusing my friend of being capable of stealing money from me. I know she's a wonderful person. We had a lot of fun together, I love, and trust her. I'm just hurt she's moving on. But it's ok. It was going to happen sooner or later. I'm sure I'll get the money back.

Post 04:

It's going to be rough because now I have NO FRIENDS. Don't sit solitary for days, weeks, months. Go out there, meet people, keep pushing forward. Isolation will only lead to me getting sick. In a way, I want to self-sabotage, feel self-pity, and get really mentally ill.

Post 05:

Since me and my friend broke up a few weeks ago, I'm already starting to have a descent and get sick from solitude. Maybe it's time I really get intense with self-sabotage. Get mentally ill, make myself a laughing stock...

Calm down. I'm feeling pain. It's going to be ok.

Post 06:

My friend is dating somebody new. It's like a punch in the gut. I feel pain. But don't give up. Don't wallow in self-pity. Don't be dramatic. We'll both move on. It's going to be for the best. It's going to be okay.

Post 07:

The reason I'm really upset about breaking up is not only because I loved her, but before meeting her I was wasting my life for years in solitude. It's going to be okay. Keep moving forward. Don't stop my life and sit in solitude again. Learn my lesson. Live in the real world.

Post 08:

After getting severely bullied in middle and high school, I struggled socially in college, and began self-sabotaging. I'm still recovering from it.

I'm being dramatic about the current breakup because I'm in pain, but the best plan is to make myself successful.

Post 09:

Although I got her a Christmas present, at least I can keep it now, and won't give it to her. Maybe I'll give the gift to my dad as a joke. I haven't gotten him one yet. Its skin creams. A very feminine product. I'll say, I thought this was a step up from sensational t-shirts.

Post 10:

Whatever happens, happens. Just let her go. Don't be depressed. In the following days, try the best I can to socialize as much as humanly possible. Try to move on, get a life, and be independent. So a year from now, I'll be happier than I was in the present. It's gonna be ok.

Some Posts (12/18/2021 and 12/19/2021)

December 18, 2021:

Post 01:

I went out, socialized with friends, did comedy, and now I feel great. It was a good day. The lesson is keep going out and socializing and you'll smile.

Post 02:

I kicked ass at comedy tonight. My friends were all there supporting me. It feels really good. Just a few short hours ago I felt like garbage. It shows get out, socialize with loving friends, and you'll be in a good mood. Don't isolate.

December 19, 2021:

Post 01:

While the inside of my apartment is nice, brand new, beautiful, I'm being neglected by my parents. They always leave me in here solitary. I know the door is wide open, my mom doesn't have me as her prisoner. I can socialize with people if I want to. You need money to socialize.

Post 02:

My parents control my SNAP benefits. When I ask for groceries they scream at me like I'm being wasteful. The truth is I'm starving most of the time. My mom is concerned about money, but it's like I'm being deprived of food. It's not like I'm asking to buy video games. It's a NEED.

Post 03:

One day I'm just going to starve to death because it's easier than asking my parents to buy food for me. Every time I do they scream at me. And I'm not asking for fancy food, I'm talking peanut butter, cold cuts, and tuna fish. Her dinners are never enough. It's hunger torture.

Post 04:

It's like my mother is intentionally torturing me while creating the illusion that she's not.

For example, her text messages make it appear as she interacts with me - she never does.

The food bill might look expensive - but my mom controls my SNAP and I'm starving to death.

Post 05:

My mother is a bully, torturer, and has to be intentionally doing it while pretending she's not. She leaves me alone 24/7, in solitude, but controls my money. Any time I ask for things I NEED, completely justified, she screams at me like I'm a wasteful burden on the household.

Post 06:

I'm not the problem in my relationship with my mother. I'm passive. A lot of the time she bullies me and screams at me like I'm the bane of her existence, I listen, and internalize. Then she starts blaming me for EVERYTHING, no empathy. Keep in mind, I'm not being hostile at all.

Post 07:

I simply asked my mother, can I have groceries? I omit it's because I'm starving to death because I don't want her to scream at me.

She proceeds to scream at me like I'm wasting too much money.

The truth is people in prison and the psychiatric hospital eat better than me.

Post 08:

I need to remind myself my mother didn't torture me in my childhood, the reason she built me this beautiful apartment wasn't her attempt to cover up her crime and create a facade to starve and deprive me of solitude. If I want food and friends, I'm 34-years-old, GET A JOB!

Post 09:

You might notice I'm wearing my jacket on stage. I was simply going to wear the sweater and look better. The reason I was wearing the jacket was that comedians were complaining about the audience, which I brought. So I didn't want to leave my jacket alone in the back with them.

Post 10:

I'm aware these comedians are mature adults. The likelihood they'd spit on my jacket or contaminate it because they didn't like my friends is paranoia. In the real world, most people aren't psychopaths that will harm you if you upset them. And I did nothing wrong, to begin with.

Post 11:

I wonder: who are my friends from the mental health community? Their friendship seems too good to be true. Accept they're ORDINARY PEOPLE. One of the women ISN'T Lady Gaga undercover, my soulmate secret admirer, and when the time is right we'll be a power couple. It's a daydream!

Post 12:

Sometimes I think the people I'm interacting with are Hollywood undercover, I'm going to become rich and famous, etc.

Other times, when I'm angry, I think people are investigating my parents for having tortured me my whole life.

Both of these scenarios are DELUSIONS!

Post 13:

I hear police and ambulance sirens outside. It's not the police coming to arrest my mother for torturing me. It's not even the men in white coats coming to take me away to the hospital... It's Santa Claus riding on a firetruck waving to all the neighbors for the Christmas season.

Post 14:

Somebody grant my wishes, make me rich and famous, so I can eat, and have a full belly. I'm starving and I want to SCREAM... I WANT FOOD!!!!!! I'M SO HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!! SOMETHING NUTRITIOUS AND YUMMY!!!!!

Beatles Hair (12 13 2016)

Beatles Hair (12 13 2016)