shackles

Tweet 01
I'm very dependent on my mother. Does she have me in shackles? Do I want to remain in shackles? Maybe a little bit of both? I know I'm capable of accomplishing great success. I need to stop waiting for my fairy godmother to grant my wishes. I need to make my life happen.



Tweet 02
It's so sad that I wasted so much time, depending on people, waiting for someone to rescue me. I lost my teenage years, my twenties, now even the beginning of my thirties. I have to live my own life and stop letting my mom keep me in shackles.



UPDATE Tweet:
I said in previous posts that my mom keeps me in shackles. According to my psychiatrist, that's actually not true. Fear of the real world and anxiety are my shackles. My mom encourages me to get a job, join clubs, go on dating websites. The shackles are inner anxiety.

Dependence

I said, basically, if no savior rescues me. When my mom gets older, I'm screwed.

My psychiatrist said, without knowing it, I'm expressing I do not feel I can depend on myself.

It's a very serious situation. But I know I can do it. I must stop waiting for someone to rescue me.

the internet fantasyland

I have a friend named Ed, who I rarely see, but I still consider him a friend. He opened me up artistically. I began writing, creating "music", videos, and drawing because of him.

I was posting on a music forum from 2008 - 2013, with and without him. I was LOUD and disturbing. Though, funny and charming too. I did the same thing on wrestling forums, on twitter, through e-mails, to doctors. I was REALLY attention-grabbing.

On the internet, I've interacted with many people throughout the years. Some good, some bad, some in-between. Many of these people I don't know in real life, they're not Artificial Intelligence. They exist. Do they still look at my profiles? Have they moved on? Do I have a guardian angel and fairy godmother who'll grant my wishes when the time is right?

I'm told I'm living in a fantasy land. No one's making my movie, documentary, book, whatever it is. I have to make it. But I KNOW my saviors are out there, watching me, ghosting me. It's almost mysterious and eerie. All evidence shows they've moved on, and I'm forgotten about. But I don't believe it. There was magic, I know it.

I need to leave my room, live in the real world. But there's something so alluring about the internet fantasyland. But it can't last forever. And when my mother gets older, I'm headed for a fall. No one is going to catch me besides the floor.

modern masterpiece

I'm aiming to be the greatest artist that's ever existed - better than Shakespeare, better than Bach, better than van Gogh, and so on.

Obviously, I can't do it alone. Maybe acquiring "Team What It Is" as friends are the boost I need to begin the artistic masterpiece.

It feels like my parents can't see, my doctor's can't see, most of my friends can't see, no one can see how BIG this is going to be. They underestimate how HUGE it is. It'll be an absolute modern masterpiece.

Join "Team What It Is" now before the train leaves the station.

"Internet Fans" - Team What It Is

Friday night, I met some "internet fans", who discovered me from my YouTube channel, at Miller's Ale House. I'll address the first thing that's on your mind... no, I didn't drink. I only ate mini cheeseburgers and had Perrier sparkling water.

But seriously, I've had some problems with cyberbullies on my YouTube channel. But they seem like good people, with good intentions. I find it suspicious that they live so close and just happened to discover me. I was imagining one of my friends set the whole thing up. But for now, it's just a coincidence. 

I told my Mom I was going on a date with a woman. And although one of them is a cute woman, it's not true. She's doesn't appear interested in me and there was also a man there. They're about my age. We are all young, college educated, professionals. Miller's is a sports bar. I should've chosen a different place to meet.

They LOVE my videos. We discussed medication and psychiatry, as my YouTube channel is heavily about these topics.

We have plans to start a YouTube channel of our own. They'll participate, we'll be called "Team What It Is". We already have an idea for a skit:

The guy offered to pay for me at Miller's. And I'm like: no, take a 20 dollar bill. But he insisted.  Now I don't know if I should pay for him next time. What's appropriate?

I thought a video where I go on a date with a woman, she expects me to pay, and I want her to pay half, would be funny.

Or, I'm out with friends, and the waiter forgets to separate the bill. So we're doing the math and nobody can figure out who owes what. 

Basically, just a video about how checks can be annoying. 

We had a good time and we plan to see each other next Friday. Maybe someplace better than Miller's. They seem like good people with good intentions. Don't worry. 

Waiting For Godot

I don't need coddling and preparation for my inevitable fame and fortune. I WANT it to be thrust upon me NOW. I want to be overwhelmed, swept away. The chaos from fame couldn't be worse than this HELLISH home environment. In fact, it would probably save me long-term.

My parents and doctors would likely tell me my art isn't grandiose and genius. I use the famous fantasy so I don't have to focus on social anxiety, agoraphobia, and living in the real world. I believe a video will save me. But it's never going to happen. It's like waiting for Godot - something that'll never arrive.

A video won't save me. No person is going to save me. I'm not a celebrities son. People from the past have moved on. Again, I'm waiting for Godot. I need to live in the real world.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!... but I have to help myself. :(

The "Save Me" Fantasy

My biggest fantasy is expecting someone to come into my life and save me. It takes many forms, but it's the same concept.

1) Disney hired me for a movie.

2) Taylor Swift knows who I am.

3) Billy Joel or Syd Barrett is my biological father.

4) My doctors are going to rescue me.

5) An old friend, an ex-girlfriend, or acquaintance is going to return and save me.

6) Someone, anyone is going to save me.

It would be nice if my life was just delivered to me and I didn't have to do any work. The truth is, I have to save myself. No one else will.

Our home environment is chaotic, I'm constantly walking on eggshells and shaking. I'm used to my Mom spoon feeding me my life. If I hate it at home, then LEAVE MY ROOM... right?! I have bad social anxiety and agoraphobia. The Middle and High School bullying really damaged me, it taught me the real world wasn't safe, so I remain in my room.

I've lost my teenage years, my 20's, I'm now 31 years old - I don't want to lose my 30's too. I need to take control of my life, get independent. SOMEONE HELP... but I need to help myself.

Syd Barrett - Biological Father?

After making a lot of posts about Syd Barrett yesterday, I started to get the delusion that he is my Biological father since I look a lot like him, and we both suffer from a mental illness.


...But then I began to realize how ridiculous that sounds. Lol.


Papi is my Father!