Artwork (10 31 2023)

Ex-Girlfriend, Falsely Accusing (10 31 2023):

Pumpkin Crusher, Happy Halloween (10 31 2023):

Mr. Anonymous (10 30 2023)

Mr. Anonymous (10 30 2023):

False Accusations Based On Delusions (10 31 2023)

One feature of my psychosis and something that has ruined a lot of relationships for me is making false accusations based on delusions. Sometimes I'll get strong emotions. The most obvious example is accusing the HIV scare of being premediated, sadistic... which is obviously delusional. The whole thing was an accident.

Back in 2011, I accused people of being sexual sadists and abusers. 

Even if I believe it, which when I make them I do believe it - I'm delusional. Even if I'm delusional - don't make them.

My delusional accusations have ruined friendships, it's ruined my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, and it's even ruined my relationship with my parents to an extent because every time you make a delusional false allegation it'll start to erode the relationship more, and more, and more.

When I get these emotional tsunamis, when I get these moments when the delusions creep in... CATCH IT, CHECK IT, CHANGE IT, and try not to say it. Try to fight it off. Because every time I say it ruins relationships.

I've ruined friendships and my relationship with my ex-girlfriend because I'm made false allegations they're MONSTERS. So stop making the false allegations, and fight off the delusions, because I've ruined relationships because of it.

HIV Scare Posts (10 31 2023)

Even if it was an accident, I really feel raped from having taken HIV PrEP. I feel defective, damaged, metaphorically HIV positive. Though, my blood work is clean. I was never at risk for HIV. I have never had HIV. Taking PrEP is not a market of having it. It's just mental trauma.

It's time to let it go and realize nobody is that mean that they would gaslight me into taking PrEP. My irrational fear caused me to basically "gaslight" myself into taking it for no reason.

There was no "hypodermic needle." I stepped on something sharp at an upscale lounge in New York City. I overreacted and asked for HIV medications against everyone's advice to not take it. I made a bad decision that traumatized me.

Ex-Girlfriend (10 30 2023)

I messed up my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, and others as well, and they don't want me as a friend anymore. As they should. It hurts. I desire them. But don't let it happen in future relationships. My ex-girlfriend especially has made it clear she no longer wants to see me.

The problem is I still want my ex-girlfriend, but she doesn't feel the same way. I believe my accusations about her earlier this year are what changed her behavior towards me and made her stop liking me. The sad part is I still love and miss her. I want her back but she's gone.

An unintended consequence of our breakup was me sitting in solitude. My ex-girlfriend doesn't want to be my friend anymore. If I choose to feel self pity, descending into madness, it's my life and my choice. It's my decision. It's not my ex-girlfriend's responsibility to save me.

The really sad part for me is I thought my ex-girlfriend and I were perfect for one another. I guess she doesn't feel the same way. Or she doesn't feel that way anymore. So accept that. It might hurt. But I'll find somebody new in time. Maybe someday I'll move on too.

Dr. Coplan said: "See how falsely accusing was the third rail with Kelly. It's a dealbreaker and is a feature of your psychosis."

Social Media Addict (10 29 2023)

So my mother and stepfather FINALLY intervened after years of me sitting in complete isolation posting on social media all day long. They're giving an hour of WiFi Internet access a day. The intervention should've happened 7 years ago. Better late than never I suppose.

I was an Internet and social media addict and it was ruining my life. I still have complete Internet access from my cell phone. However, my desktop computer is disconnected for most of the day. I don't know what they can do about the cell phone. Maybe I need to police that myself.

Since the WiFi has been unhooked I ALREADY FEEL HEALTHIER. I'm not obsessed about having to post. I even went to the Starry Night Cafe, which is a socializing place for the mentally ill in the real world. Though, I didn't like it. I felt too high functioning for that environment.

My chains are anxiety and agoraphobia. Fear of the real world. Fear of getting assaulted by a bully and stepping on something like a hypodermic needle. Yes. But also, I was extremely addicted to social media and the daydream it'd make me a millionaire Hollywood superstar.

October 29, 2023

October 29, 2023:

Underwear (10 29 2023)

Underwear (10 29 2023):

October 28, 2023

October 28, 2023:

Biological Father (10 28 2023)

They were all proud over how they hurt me with premeditated intent because they hated who they thought was my biological father (Robert Koloski)... until everybody discovered, including me, how my biological father is actually The Blue Blazer (Owen Hart). I'm just Robert Koloski's stepchild. Wait, what?! Unless we're getting a Vince Russo swerve. It's not Robert Koloski, it's not Owen Hart, it's VINCE RUSSO. Real world Attitude Era sensationalistic madness at its finest. Unless of course this is all fantasy and suspicions becoming real. Robert Koloski is my father. This is all a delusion.

This is like a fantasy story I'm writing. It's like the Jerry Springer show. That should indicate to me that it's all delusion, not the real world. Attitude Era WWE does not exist in the real world. My life is sad and empty and if Owen Hart or Vince Russo was my biological father it would be fun. It's a fun daydream. But that's all it is. A daydream where the line between fantasy and reality becomes blurred in my mind. So I convince myself the daydream is real. But it's not real. It's delusional.

Everyone Bullied Me, Play The Violin (10 28 2023)

Everyone bullied and abused me. Told me how I sucked. This went on for 35 years. They wanted me to turn into a comedic and rage-filled "Adolf Hitler." Screaming irrationally. It's more like the Pearl Jam song "Jeremy" or like Doug Hopkins of the Gin Blossoms what is happening.

Play the violin. Come back with determination, don't come back with a vengeance. Nobody empathizes with a monster like "Adolf Hitler." Hitler is responsible for the genocide of millions of innocent people. But they do empathize with a victim of sadistic and severe bullying.

The bullies wanted me to be a rage-filled sadistic monster like they are. They're so angry at me that I'm choosing peace over revenge... And they really should be locked in prison. The bullying I lived through was inhumane and brutal. However, I don't want to be a monster.

The bullies anticipated I'd be screaming and shouting like a lunatic and their YEARS of sadistic bullying would be hilarious. Instead, I became sick with severe mentally illness, isolated, and disassociated. They hate it because they look evil. They bullied someone into sickness.

Paradise Studios (10 20 2023)

Paradise Studios (10 20 2023):

October 27, 2023

October 27, 2023:

Artwork (10 26 2023)

Hidden Realities (10 26 2023):

HIV (10 26 2023):

Dots (10 26 2023):

Drowning (10 26 2023):

I Need Love (10 26 2023):

Dark (10 26 2023):

Hidden Realities, They're Sexual Sadists (10 26 2023)

It's obvious they're very bad hidden realities that my parents are keeping secret from me because it'll send me into an irrational rage when I discover they're true. My mother was my biggest bully. She's a monster behind a mask and a deceiver. She was letting them bully me.

They're psychopathic monsters who should be in PRISON, not rich person's prison, poor person's prison for torturing and bullying me in an inhumane way. But what they've done - bullying someone into having many mental breakdowns - is not technically illegal. Though, it SHOULD BE.

My mother was trying to murder me pharmacologically with the mega regimen of medications she had Dr. Coplan prescribed for ten years. She knows it. Dr. Coplan knows it. But they'll lie. I didn't want to take them. My mother was a pharmacological abuser who was trying to hurt me.

I was being sadistically tortured by sexual sadists who WERE getting off from my suffering. They were only creating a facade they were trying to help me. In reality, they were torturing me INTENTIONALLY. They were trying to give me the worst life imaginable. I wasn't delusional.

This is not like Pink Floyd's "The Wall", where all I have to do is tear down the wall and develop interpersonal relationships, this is more like Elizabeth Smart being tortured. My chains were MATERNAL, not INTERNAL... And down deep the psychiatrist knew I was imprisoned in hell.

Hidden Realities and Bullying (10 25 2023)

They're giving me metaphorical clues as to what they've done. Just tell me the hidden reality and truth. They're obviously psychopathic monsters who sadistically bullied me.

The hidden realities are so bad. They're sexual sadists and monsters behind a mask. They should be in prison.

The worst part is the betrayal is from the people I trusted the most and who I'm financially dependent on. I feel so unloved by everyone. And the people I thought loved me are sadistic deceivers.

They knowingly and intentionally were bullying me in an inhumane way. They should be in prison. This is not sensationalistic professional wrestling. This is real life. They were bullying somebody who is suffering from severe mental health challenges. It's sickening.

Is this really as bad as I'm imagining it to be? Are they all a bunch of psychopathic monsters? It certainly seems that way. People are afraid to tell me the hidden reality because it's so bad. I was literally being tortured.

I'm going to be so irrationally angry when they tell me the truth and it's because they had bad intentions.

Somebody indicated I'm not just going to be angry when they tell me the truth, I'm going to be steaming mad, I'm going to be like the irrationally angry pitbull with horror music playing. That's how bad what they did to me was.

Somebody indicated a lot of what I suspect is actually true. It's just so beyond bad what happened to me. It's because they had bad intentions.

Some Posts (10 24 2023)

Despite what my mother and father might say, I am in complete isolation. Nobody interacts with me. Nobody's loving me.

There needed to be an intervention over a decade ago at the very least. However, it's my responsibility to end the wait for Godot to save me. Because my parents will just watch me pour my life down the drain and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it.

Did my parents need to do more? Yes. At 36 years old, it's my responsibility to take action and live life. At this moment, my chains are internal, not maternal. Stop blaming them for why I cannot progress my life.

Frankly, when I discover the truth, although psychopathic monsters are responsible for it happening... It'll be the beginning of the end for me too obviously. It's just going to be one big massive train wreck and it's because they bullied me sadistically and inhumanely.

Realistically if my childhood bully purchased my old levittown house, he's a f****** moron. How did he expect it to end well for him? Was he hoping to be like a James Bond villain?

It's really bad the hidden reality they're keeping from me. However, just play the violin and make them look like monsters. Don't get angry. Don't play their game. Nobody empathizes with a rage-filled lunatic... But they empathize with a victim of sadistic and inhumane bullying.

I suspect my childhood bully has reintroduced himself under a new name 20 years later. I hang out with him weekly. He's my only friend at the moment. Sorry dude, I'll be like Deadpool when I learn the truth. I wouldn't have given you the time of day. I won't have mercy on you.

Artwork (10 24 2023)

Carrot Man (10 24 2023):

Dots (10 24 2023)

Pouring My Life Down The Drain, Save Me (10 24 2023):

Ex-Girlfriend (10 24 2023)

I really miss her but I'm not sure if she feels the same way about me. Actually, she's made it clear she doesn't miss me. So accept it. Move on. I'll meet someone else.

IF she was following me on social media, which she totally was/is, I can see why she might not like me as she once did.

Should I apologize? What should I do? Does she really want nothing to do with me? I don't know why I don't believe it. Maybe I need to.

She moved on 2 years ago. For the past 2 years I've been waiting for Godot to return to save me.  I have to take charge of my life. Only I can save myself. Not an ex-girlfriend, not a secret admirer, not even my mother. I have to live my own life.

An unintended consequence of our breakup was me going back to solitude. She did not intend to cause me pain. But it's not my ex-girlfriend's responsibility to live my life for me. I have to live my own life. I have to function as an independent adult. It's my life.

If my ex-girlfriend wanted to come back, my accusations that she's a monster behind a mask who would cause an HIV scare with premeditated intent will drive her away. My delusions would drive anybody away. She's a good person. It was an accident. I'm ruining any chance of love.

Hidden Realities (10 23 2023)

There are obviously major hidden realities when it comes to my parents, not just a white lie and tiny secrets. They're psychopathic monsters for keeping these things from me. They know when they tell me I'm going to go into an irrational rage and not care about the consequences.

It's true. There are some really bad hidden realities that are going to send me into an irrational rage. But don't get steaming mad and assault anyone over it. I don't deserve to go to jail over these sadistic monsters' bullying. I should be successful. I should be a millionaire.

They obviously had bad intentions and wanted me to snap when I discovered what they had done to me. However, I'm not just going to snap, I'm going to go into an irrationally angry emotional tsunami. I'm going to be like the Pitbull who is so angry with horror music playing.

My parents continue to lie to me, I can't go into an irrationally angry rage over what I suspect is true. They're deceiving me and it's obvious. But at this point it's willful blindness and ignorance is bliss. It's calm before the storm. When I officially find out the truth. Bad!

My father said "Please tell me what you are talking about? 

What type of secrets? Please explain"

I don't know exactly what the major secrets that will make me irrationally angry are, but I know there are many. My father is secretive about his life. He's living a double life when it comes to me. My mother is lying and gaslighting me too. They know they're hidden realities.

Jones Beach (10 22 2023)

Jones Beach (10 22 2023):

A person skeeved out by me, HIV

I'm just going to call this person a member of the swell boys, but there's somebody who really skeeved out and they think I have HIV. This person won't even be around me and acts skittish every time he's around me. He's acting like it's the 1980s. He's acting like I have rabies.

I don't see this member of the swell boys anymore, but I saw him for Buffalo wild wings this past week. He wouldn't share his food with me, he was trying to distance himself and sit far away from me, he wouldn't shake my hand because he had a cut on his hand. I don't have HIV.

I saw this member of the swell boys at my house this morning and he's trying to run away from me as quickly as possible because he thinks I have HIV. It's so disrespectful. When I bring it to my mom's attention, she blames everything on me even though it's not my fault at all.

I'm trying to tell myself this person has OCD and is nuts. But when someone won't even be around you, tries to run from you because they're afraid you have HIV it's disrespectful and enraging. He's treating me like I have the plague, and I don't even have HIV. It's ridiculous.

This person won't sit in the same seat that I sat in. Asks, "did Andrew sit in that chair?" Because he's afraid I have HIV. Basically, I'm going to have no relationship with "this member of the swell boys" because he's now OCD deathly afraid of me. It's angering to me.

I don't talk anymore with this member of the swell boys. The other members recognize it. He wants nothing to do with me because he's afraid I have HIV. And my mother won't even talk to him about it. She just allows it to go on and victim-blames me. Whatever.

When I bring up how this person treats me like I have to bubonic plague because I had an HIV scare, my mom starts attacking the straw man. She says "you're crazy Andrew."

The argument is he's treating me disrespectfully. I'm the victim. And I get yelled at when I assert myself.

Emails, Dr. Garrett, October 2023, Joanne GreenbergLand

My Email:

Oct 22, 2023, 9:15 AM

I wasted so much time waiting for Godot. I'm afraid I'm sick and dying from a terminal, life-threatening illness. But there's no medical evidence this is true yet. They say horrible mental health and solitude is deadlier than smoking. I'm totally screwed. I'm going to get cancer.

I'd be enraged at my parents if I got cancer. Why didn't they intervene? Why did they allow me to waste 36 years of solitary, unloved, pain and suffering? But my chains are internal, not maternal. I did it to myself. No one had me at gunpoint. It was anxiety and agoraphobia.

At this moment, I'm healthy. Take accountability, come back with determination, and live life. Everyone else has been having fun for years. I haven't been. I've been in Joanne GreenbergLand. It's time for me to enjoy my life too. Better late than never. Go out there and find love.

In fairy tales, a wealthy magical dream woman might come to you and rescue you from schizoaffective wonderland. In the real world, I was pouring my life down the drain, alone in my head, in a daydream land, out of touch with reality because I wasn't socializing with anyone.

Psychopharmacologists and doctors who specialize in medication might say I need antipsychotics. Nope, what I need to do is interact with friends, to get independent, and to develop a life in the real world. Socialization is more effective than any clozaril or antipsychotics.

I'm crying out to be loved and for intimacy and psychopharmacologists say there's something wrong that needs to be chemically lobotomized. However, no one is forcing me to sit in complete isolation. If I choose to do that, I'll ultimately get medicated with a mega regimen again.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Oct 22, 2023, 9:49 AM

Andrew

Your reflection in this email is well grounded in reality.  Stay there, and get moving, out into the world.  Your mother has been trying to intervene for years, as have I and Dr Copeland.  I hope I am hearing a determination in you to end the wait for Godot and make a life happen for yourself.  Only you can do this.  The chains are internal, not maternal.

Dr G

October 21, 2023

October 21, 2023:

Emails, Dr. Garrett, October 2023, Gary Burr, Love Is Out There

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Oct 20, 2023, 10:21 AM

here is an upbeat song about finding love that you may enjoy - artist Gary Burr

My Email:

Oct 20, 2023, 10:33 AM

Thank you very much, I don't have a membership to Amazon music. I use YouTube music. So all I know is Gary Burr. What's the name of the song?

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Oct 20, 2023, 4:19 PM

I think the name of the song is Love is Out There but can't you just click on the link and hear it?

My Email:

Oct 20, 2023, 10:16 PM

I listened to the song. Basically, the concept it love is out there... But you need to go get it. Stop sitting back and waiting for it to come to you. Go out and get love,

My Email:

Oct 21, 2023, 5:31 AM

By hiding away in my room night and day waiting for someone to rescue me - I'll regret it.

In fairy tales, it might be true someone will come to you, in the real world - the love will find someone else.

It might sound cold - love is out there... But I have to go get it.

Leave my room and enjoy my life

I Want A Girlfriend

What do I want more than anything? A girlfriend. Intimacy. I feel like I'm dying of "hunger" and "thirst." Leave my house, push through the anxiety and agoraphobia, and go out there and try to meet people. I'm not going to meet a cute woman by sitting in my room.

It's nobody's responsibility to meet a girlfriend for me except my own. My chains are internal, not maternal. Take action. Get determined. If I see a woman I'm attracted to, take a risk and say "hello." Don't shell up from my anxiety and extreme self-consciousness.

Dr. Garrett said: "your own anxiety about being contaminated by HIV convinced you to take the PrEP.  You "gaslit" yourself.  Taking PrEP does not give you HIV.  There is no reason to disclose your having taken PrEP to a woman you might date because taking PrEP is not a marker of your having been HIV+.  You were never HIV+.   There is nothing to disclose.  Put your boots on and pick out a cool shirt and head for Manhattan to explore dating possibilities."

Try to think of myself as a clean, pure, eligible bachelor who is extremely handsome and struggles with some severe mental health challenges. I can easily obtain the cutest female member who is going to mental health recovery groups because I'm the cutest guy there.

Paradise Studios (10 13 2023)

Paradise Studios (10 13 2023):

October 20, 2023

October 20, 2023: