Some Posts (02 28 2021)

Post 01:

I'm trying so hard to become famous through social media posts. My art is next-level amazing. But it doesn't appear I'm getting any views. It’s frustrating and discouraging. I don’t want to give up my art. It’s what I love. They say get a real job and create art as a hobby.

Post 02:

The sad part is if I put the amount of work that I put into my art or exercise into work or school, I’d have an incredible job right now. Unfortunately, I’m putting most of my effort into things that are getting me nowhere, a pipe dream, and I'm wasting my talents. No success yet.

Post 03:

People are telling me I should put my effort into work and school, make THAT the top priority, and in my free time focus on my art. I need to re-prioritize. If I’m putting 90% effort into art and exercise and 10% into work and school, I need to reverse that, put 90% into work.

Post 04:

If I wait too long, pretty soon certain opportunities will be gone. I'll be too old for school, I'll have gaps in my work history. Begin while I'm in my mid-thirties because 10 years from now I'll be even older with no work history to show. Stop with the art pipe dream.

Post 05:

The world isn’t fair, but when I see talentless younger-than-me artists (like Justin Beiber and Billie Eilish), with millions of dollars, while I'm a 33-year-old disabled manchild, I can't help but feel a little peeved. I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I deserve success.

Post 06:

Enormously rich people often claim the reason people are unsuccessful is laziness. I'm an incredibly talented artist who is extremely hard-working, I've been intensely fighting for success for years. Yes, they say it's in a fantasyland, but I'm much better than Billie Eilish.

Post 07:

I asked my mother to call the pharmacy to see if my new medication is there (Invega 6 mg). She repeated "Invega 6, Invega 6, Invega 6" to remind herself what to ask for. It triggered predicate logic (she's saying 666 because she's Satan who tortured me). I quickly fought it off.

Post 08:

I was talking to a young man, he said when he went on vacation to Florida he saw one of his best friends, and he was unaware he was there. He said, "it's a small world." I disagree, it's a very large world. I remember wanting to see certain people from my past, it never happened.

Post 09:

Ever notice the people you randomly run into in public you usually haven’t been thinking about. It's not the cute woman who is constantly on your mind. Even randomly seeing some guy from your college English class is rare. It's a large world and you usually see no one you know.

Post 10:

People usually re-connect with each other when one person initiates the contact. When someone seeks out the other the likelihood you’ll see them again becomes greater. Even seeing someone who lives in the same hometown never happens unless you make an effort to see them.

Post 11:

Time keeps ticking. It doesn’t care who you are or what happened to you, it doesn’t stop. It’s easy to lose valuable time. Sadly, I lost my childhood, twenties, and early thirties to mental illness and there is nothing I can do about it. I must accept it and begin my life now.

Post 12:

Some life lessons are learned the hard way, sometimes you learn the most powerful lessons when you least expect them. If I didn't get sick and take a detour, I wouldn't be the person I am today. The lessons I learned would not have been taught. I learned how valuable time is.

Artwork (02 27 2021)

 Superhero:

Supermarket:

Superhero (Scarlet Witch):

My Dad's Artwork (2021)

My Dads Colorings

Baseball Bat:

My Friend

Post 01:

I have a beautiful friend who means so much to me. I met her at a time I needed a friend and she gave me true love. I began having the first real fun of my life. Thinking about our memories is bittersweet. Thankfully, the good times are only just beginning. I love and adore her.

Post 02:

After meeting this friend in August 2019, she started showing me around NYC multiple times a week. I was experiencing a whole new world. I had so much fun. I can't even express what I'm feeling. It's so appreciated. I love her for it.

Today was a beautiful day and more to come.

Post 03:

For my entire life, I had no friends or fun, then when I was 32-years-old, for a few months I had the most fun ever with a friend I adore. She's the first friend of my life. My entire world opened up. Then COVID-19 happened. I just want to have fun again. I'm full of sadness.

Post 04:

Picture being deprived of socialization, never leaving the house, in hell for years then finally getting a loving friend and exploring NYC together 3 times a week. It was truly magical, too good to be true. I must remind myself the good times aren't over, they're just beginning.

Post 05:

There's nothing better than love and a good friend. It's bittersweet because life is fleeting and that can be taken away from you in an instant. Thankfully, my friends and I are only beginning our fun, we'll have fun for years to come... I hope and pray that to be true.

Bullying Posts (02 26 2021)

Post 01:

At Starbucks, I noticed my cup was filled with Nitro Cold Brew then poured out then when I arrived they refilled it (probably for freshness). This triggered me that I was being poisoned by the baristas. It's fear of bullies and contamination. They don't care that much about me.

Post 02:

I'm hyper focused on bullies contaminating me. After receiving my coffee then leaving Starbucks, a barista walked out of the bathroom and said, "hi Andrew." He's a friendly kid who probably likes me and doesn't want to lose his job. I start to fear he's a psychopath poisoning me.

Post 03:

Everywhere I go I have an overwhelming, catastrophizing fear of bullies harming me. It's so intense that I don't want to leave the house. I'm going into New York City today for fun and almost feel like canceling and staying home. I fear I'm going to be targeted by criminals.

Post 04:

I have a sadistic monster bully persecutor ingrained in my mind. It's the kids from middle and high school. Yes, you can encounter bad people in the world. But I learned the world was much more scary and chaotic than it actually is. Most people are nice and the world can be fun.

Post 05:

Even my fear of hypodermic needles left by drug users contaminating me with HIV then I'll have no friends for the rest of my life. It boils down to fear of the sadistic monster persecutors from middle and high school bullying me. Think about it... it's the monster harming me.

Post 06:

As frustrating as my parents can be (including my stepdad), and they were frustrating... They're not the monsters who took sadistic pleasure in my suffering. Yes, it was hell being home ALL DAY LONG with them, they were miserable, but they weren't intentionally trying to harm me.

Post 07:

It's obvious my fear of the world (which was intentionally inflicted by bullies), led to social isolation and a daydream world (mental illness). Even if you want to blame genetics, there's no doubt I was injured by bullies, it's like walking with a limp after injuring your leg.

Post 08:

If you really think about it, my mother is NOT to blame. She had a son who became very sick because he was getting severely bullied in school and she did the best she could all things considered. She's not perfect, but she loves and wants the best for me. 

Dr Natural said in reply:

"Andrew

This is an excellent post!   Clear, articulate, moving, true.  Frame this one.  Keep it for the "permanent collection."   Hold on to what you have written here and try not to backslide into the "mother is Satan/Hitler" daydream.  The bullies are the ones who INTENDED to hurt you."

My Stepdad

I like people and want to like my stepdad. If he was nice to me then I'd like him. But he doesn't hide his animosity towards me. He treats me like I'm a worthless piece of garbage, bosses me around (controlling), is a miserable man. He ruined my life and has no empathy for it.

Artwork (02 25 2021)

Unworldly Love:

Daydreaming:

Some Posts (02 25 2021)

Post 01:

A barista handed me a napkin with my coffee today. I went out of my way to avoid grabbing the napkin, she went out of her way to hand it to me. I immediately threw it away due to contamination fears. The more I think about it, could someone's phone number have been on there?

A reply to Post 01:

You're right. I overreacted, then overthought. Nothing happened besides my imagination running wild.

Post 02:

If you're a good person... I want you to feel good. I want the best for you. I don't want people to experience pain and sadnesses. Sometimes the correct decision isn't always clear-cut. I want to make the right choice with everyone happy. Only the future knows for sure.

Post 03:

I have a friend, when I'm with her there's no place I'd rather be and no one I'd rather be with. Often there were substitute fair-weather friends, but she's the real deal. It's real love. I appreciate her friendship more than words can express.

Post 04:

I'm crying thinking about the good times in the past. I guess it's been a hard year. As we saw with covid-19, the good times can end in an instant. Appreciate friendship and happiness because life is fleeting. The good times are just starting, not ending.

Post 05:

I need to remind myself these are good times. The happy times are just beginning. Hopefully the sun will be shining for years to come.

Post 06:

I experienced so much sadness then I met a loving friend who I adore. It feels too good to be true.

Post 07:

Eric Bischoff said AEW is like an art studio putting on a wrestling show while WWE is a cold, lifeless, corporate show. I agree. Even though AEW seems like it's made by college kids, at least it has heart and soul. WWE leaves me feeling cold and empty. But WWE has better talent.

Post 08:

Often I make a post and I daydream important people are reading it, that I'm a genius and my words are highly important. I need to remind myself it's a delusion of grandeur. The truth is very few people are reading my posts and a major art company isn't getting ready to hire me.

Post 09:

My biggest delusion at the moment is an undercover secret admirer and major motion picture company is watching me on the sly and when the time is right we're going to make an epic movie. There's no evidence to support this besides my imagination. It's a delusional daydream.

Post 10:

Life is wonderful when you have a good friend. For a long time, I had no friendship and my source of self-esteem was a delusional daydream world where celebrities knew me. It's hard accepting that it was all in my head. There's no truth to it. Thankfully I have a real friend now.

Post 11:

In the book "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" by, Joanne Greenberg, her doctor tells her your Fantasyland wasn't real. It was all in your head. For me, it's hard accepting it was all a daydream. But it was. There's no truth to it. Now I have real friendship in the real world.

Post 12:

I feel guilty about the bad experience where I stepped on debris on New Year's 2020 at the lounge in NYC because my experiences there were pleasant, a lot of fun in a cozy relaxed environment.

The overreaction was fueled by mental illness and fear of bullies. It's very sad.

Post 13:

Something that comforts me is vilifying my parents, and I'm especially mean to my mother. She's not perfect, but she loves me. Yes, she was overprotective and babying. But the sadistic monsters who made me phobic of the world were the bullies in middle and high school.

Post 14:

I slightly reduced the Invega with my psychopharmacologist's approval. I'm feeling intense emotion, not sleeping as much, am having dreams. I was sobbing yesterday thinking about friends, family, and fun times, how much I appreciate them... and I mean I was uncontrollably CRYING.

Post 15:

New York City isn't safe, but I want to resume the pre-COVID-19 fun again. Do you think it's safe to go to a restaurant then walk Central Park mid-day on a Friday? I'm planning to take a train into Penn Station tomorrow. Or, is this premature and wait until things get better?

Post 16:

Dr. Natural said: "It seems you are really, maybe, beginning to believe that real friends are preferable to celebrity daydreams that never actually materialize." I'd also daydream women from my past loved me. They didn't. Now I have a tangible real-life friend, it's no daydream.

Post 17:

Dr. Natural said: "Your mother is a real person who has done a great deal in your behalf. What your mother has done (provided a place to live, managed your doctors, etc.)" is tremendous, while your daydream secret admirers have done nothing because they're not real.  

Artwork (02 24 2021)

 Happy Birthday, Mama:

The Lion King:

Some Posts (02 22 2021)

Post 01:

I'm often asked: why don't other people appear on your YouTube channel? (Besides your mother and father)

Believe it or not, most people don't like to appear on video. Even my mom and dad don't like it.

I guess I'm a rare exception because I love being on camera and I shine.

Post 02:

My mother's birthday is coming up very soon (February 24th). She says the only gift she wants from me is love and kindness. I've been so miserable and angry lately. She wants the happy Andrew back, with the bright smile and sparkle in his eye... I'll probably make her artwork

Post 03:

My trauma kept evolving. In middle and high school, I was severely bullied. When I entered college, I went crazy and had six psychiatric hospitalizations. In my twenties, I was home all day long with an elderly couple - no friends. Then covid-19. I feel so defective and damaged.

Post 04:

Everywhere I go I feel like I'm wearing The Freak Scarlet Letter, like everyone is looking at me in a critical way, is disturbed by me. I have no social skills, am comatose with anxiety, feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It's just easier to hide from the world at home.

Post 05:

All my posts are negative self-pity, but people don't seem to like that. One of my highest liked posts was a loving post about my friends from the psychosocial clubhouse. That's a needle in the haystack. Maybe positive thinking and appreciation is the approach I should take.

Post 06:

I'm working on a mental health-related book that uses my artwork to illustrate concepts in a child-like fun way. I've just been lazy with it. I start, then put it on the back burner. If it's going to get made I have to do the hard work. Nobody will make it for me.

Post 07:

I'm the king of the jungle. So why did I lose sight of this? Why did I start to think I'm worthless? Rather than blame certain people and seek vengeance, I need to remember who I am. I won't be denied. I'll prove the doubters and critical ones wrong. The best revenge is success.

Post 08:

My biggest mistake was expecting parents to create me a good life for me. I don't need to be financially dependent or be controlled. I'm the king of the jungle. I need nobody besides myself. By obeying my mom's every golden rule I'm wasting my life. I know the path to success.

Post 09:

I have a hostile dependency on my mother. She blames me for being the bane of her existence, I blame her for depriving me of my life. It's constant fighting between us, we are beginning to resent each other. The solution is getting a social life and financial independence.

My Mom's Artwork (2021)

My Moms Coloring (02 19 2021):

My Mom's Coloring (03 12 2021):

At A Crossroads (My Moms Coloring) (03 16 2021):

Artwork (02 19 2021)

Teh Naughty Girl (Pink Lollipop):

Unworldly (Cute Bird):

I'm Wasting My Life (Social Media):

tortured by my parents

I'm coming to the realization the reason I'm mentally ill is that I was INTENTIONALLY tortured by my parents. They PRETEND to be loving, behind their mask they're sadistic and evil. Sadly, they control my narrative and I'm financially dependent. I don't look credible. 

After an unpleasant chat with my mother, it seems all our chats are unpleasant, but that's beside the point... Then I ate dinner. There was a red blood-like substance in my meatloaf. I began to fear she was poisoning me. If she was truly like Adolf Hitler why would she feed me?  

My delusions correlate with emotion. My mom was high energy, talking and not listening to me. I began to get angry and worked up. Then I start to think it's sadistically inflicted. Then it becomes she's Hitler. Then Hitler is poisoning me. Nobody is poisoning me. It's passed.

Artwork (02 18 2021)

Love (Happy BFF's):

The Joker:

Unworldly:

Camouflage Hoodie

I wasn't wearing THE ICONIC camouflage hoodie today. It was too small and didn't fit well so I threw it out. I looked back at my Amazon purchases from 2013 - I can buy it again. To be honest, I don't really like the hoodie. Maybe buy another one like it?

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00028AQK4/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_D277CAGBMYWQ800WHX85?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Male Barista

I need friends, so I was going to ask the male starbucks barista if he wants to hang out one day. I'm not interested in him, I just find him non-threatening, and it'd be nice to get chicken wings with a buddy. Would it be weird asking him to hang out? Would it give wrong vibe?

Some Posts (02 16 2021)

I'm so frustrated and motivated. I'm hungry for change but change isn't coming. I need to initiate the change myself. I'm just wasting time.

If I want to get a book published, I have to organize, compile, and refine it myself. Nobody will do the hard work for me.

My social media posts are an S.O.S. to a fairy-godmother liberator. Please liberate me magical one.

The sad truth is I have to save myself.

I'm sensational. I'm screaming and shouting. Somebody make me a Hollywood superstar.

My end goal is to party in a gigantic heated pool with lots of women. I think my ticket to this destination is sensational social media posts that will instantaneously change my life then start a chain reaction and I'll become an epic rockstar.

I spend all my time on social media. I'm told this isn't tangible. I need to do something more realistic... but I don't want to give up the daydream world. There's a secret admirer liberator out there... I just know it. So liberate me fairy-godmother.

I'm a 33-year-old manchild. My mother does everything for me. This needs to change. I need to become an ADULT!

I'm extremely frustrated with being a controlled manchild. If I want to be an adult then I need to resist my mother's babying ways. Being dependent is preparing me for doom when my mom goes away.

My posts are like a public online diary. I imagine the right people are viewing it, not sadistic cyberbullies and when the time is right it's going to be compiled into the EPIC MOVIE!

I've been feeling like garbage for months, but I'm trying to remain positive. My brain feels like it's on fire and in hell. Ahhhhh! Help!!!!!!

Book Idea

Dr. Natural feels my drawings would be useful and helpful to people in the mental health community. With some hard work by me, I might be able to get a book published. He said he would write an introduction for me.

Basically, I should write a short description of what the artwork is illustrating - for example, predicate logic, ideas of reference, sensationalization leading to superstardom, frustrations. Maybe even let some of the artwork speak for itself.

But I have to do and organize it myself. Start compiling the book. Nobody will do it for me. He feels there is potential, but I have to do the hard work. 

Sadistic Persecutor Artwork (02 13 2021)

Sadistic Persecutor Artwork:

Terrified:

HOV Lane:

Bath (02 12 2012)

#FBF

February 12, 2012.

(9 years ago today)

Bath.

HIV Fears

In late 2019, I began getting an enormous and irrational fear of HIV. 

On January 1st, 2020, an hour into the New Year, I stepped on some debris on the ground at a Lounge in NYC. So I went on Isentress and Truvada for a month because of an overreaction by me. I get predicate logic because they’re anti-HIV medications, therefore they CAUSED HIV. HIV is the keyword. It’s like being afraid Penicillin CAUSES Bacterial infections. No, it treats it. Still, I become sick to my stomach afraid. 

There’s nothing to worry about. I got tested in September 2020 – more than 6 months later (which was unnecessary). I’m clean (as expected).

It’s the sadistic monster persecutor trying to harm me fears again. HIV is the sadistic bully killer. I’ve been deprived of friendships and girlfriends my whole life. I imagine HIV would mean I’d be alone my whole life. Nobody would want to be my friend. The truth is my fear of solitude came true, and you can have friends even if you’re HIV positive (which I’m NOT).  

The Sadistic Deceiver, Persecutor, Psychopath, Monster Fears

I feel like I'm being hunted by a sadistic deceiver. Somebody is secretly trying to kill me. In the back of my mind, there's always this sadistic persecutor present.

Anything can open the door to the sadistic persecutor:

For example, predicate logic.

My mother asking: "would you like fried chicken for dinner?" triggers me. I think she's a psychopath monster. She fried my brain through torture. Chicken is calling me a coward.

The biggest contamination fear is HIV. I think friends, psychopaths from years ago, even imagined "hypodermic needles" are trying to kill me.

The world how it truly is and the world how I see it are two entirely different realities. I see the world as a terrifying, horrific place full of monsters and killers. The truth is I'm irrationally afraid of the world because of the trauma and horror I lived through. 

Even innocent people can become the sadistic monster. The kid cleaning the treadmill at the gym, the coffee shop barista, friends, etc. I need to remind myself not everyone in the world is a sadistic killer.

I realize this overwhelming fear of the world is irrational and crazy, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells 24/7. One wrong step, I'll step on a landmine and it'll explode, then I'll die. Everyone in the world is viewing me in a critical way. Everyone is laughing at me.

A friend asked me if I want to join a group or club that isn't related to mental health or illness. I feel so defective, contaminated, and damaged that I wouldn't fit in the normal, real world. I'd be wearing THE FREAK scarlet letter like my flaws are exposed for all to see. 

The sadistic monster is always present in my mind. It ruined my view of the world. Many different situations can trigger an overwhelming "there's a sadistic monster who is trying to kill me" panic attack. The world isn't that scary. There are many good people. Sadly, I suffered.

There isn't this lurking persecutor psychopath. I need to grasp it's irrational. I'm safe and sound. There's no monster.  

Mom Posts (02 11 2021)

When I called my mother tonight, she called me: "lamb." It triggered me. There's an old saying: "A lamb spends her whole life fearing the wolves, and gets eaten in the end by the shepherd." The outside world is isn't that scary. The real danger is my mother. Or am I delusional?

I'm financially dependent on my mother and she controls my life. For example, I want to sell my artwork at the Fountain House art gallery but she tells me I can't have more than 2,000 dollars in the bank because I'll lose my SNAP Foodstamps. How will I ever get independent then?

I need to remind myself: what is my mother's motivation to keep me financially dependent? Why would she keep me a man-child and make me waste time? To sabotage my life? What's her endgame besides sadistic torture? Is there anything in it for her? She is my mother after all.

My conspiracy theory is a rockstar is my REAL biological father and my mother sadistically tortures me to get vengeance on my father. Even if that's false, maybe I was caught in the middle of my parent's feud. They harmed me to harm each other. In the end, I'm unloved and sick.

My mother might unknowingly want to keep herself as a child and projects that onto me. When I was growing up, she wanted me to remain a little boy. She didn't want me to grow up or lose control. So she continued to baby me. It resulted in lost time. I'm still dependent on her.

It's really difficult being 33-years-old and being treated as if you're still a baby by mommy. In her eyes, I'm not a man. There's no end to this nightmare in sight. My solution is S.O.S. cries for help online that will instantaneously transform me into a "rockstar."

Some Posts (02 11 2021)

Often people who play over-the-top characters are playing themselves with the volume turned up. It's their personality exaggerated. So if someone is acting grandiose and psychotic claiming it's fiction, analyze them. It gives insight into their mental health and beliefs.

During my college years, my eyes used to be so closed. There were people who were interested in being my friend and I was either oblivious or lacked the social skills to capitalize on it. It's really unfortunate because I didn't have to spend my life deprived of friendship.

It's sad I lost a lot of time deprived of friendship. I started to make progress at a psychosocial clubhouse in New York City. I was starting to meet the first real friends of my life then covid-19 happened, but things are going to get good again.

I saw a 50-year-old man, driving a red convertible, trying to act cool... he looked like he was suffering from a mid-life crisis. It’s ok if you want to be young at heart, but he's fooling no one. It’s not appropriate to act like a college student when you reach a certain age.

It's so gross when old men try and act like children. When you reach a certain age you must GROW UP! If you want to be taken seriously, act like an adult.

When I was a child, my dad used to play classic "dad rock" artists for me. I hated it so much. It was torture to listen to. For some reason, my dad thought all the kids in school liked the music of his generation. Wow, he was wrong! Rock music is not timeless. It's rubbish.

Maybe I was being dramatic and overreacting to the insignificance of rock music. I guess it's nice and fun. It's just annoying how my dad overrates rock stars. They're not heroes. Most of them are losers.

I'm guilty of overrating movie stars, pop stars, and rock stars. As you said, they're just people with a talent. It would be nice to have their riches and fame, but at the end of the day we're all mortal, we're all going to die. Everybody has this fate, nobody is a God.

Some people try to claim my mental illness is genetic. However, I personally believe it's traumatic life experiences that caused it, at least blurring fantasy and reality (delusions). It happened because I had no friends, was socially isolated, I snapped and began daydreaming.

I'm on a mega regimen of psychiatric medication for the symptoms, but I believe the trauma that caused schizoaffective disorder is environmental. Unfortunately, I became ill and must live with the illness. I think environmental factors broke me, not genetic factors.

In capitalism, nobody has time to figure out the root cause of mental illness. It's easier to medicate the symptoms, then move on. But if you dig past the surface, you'll discover there's a lot of pain and suffering. If you heal that, then you might not need so much medication.

It's sad that society over medicates instead of delving into the root cause of the illness. Maybe somebody with restless leg syndrome would be cured if they took a half hour walk. Maybe they wouldn't have ADHD if they weren't living in a chaotic environment. But doctors medicate.

Trauma can damage your mind, then unfortunately it gets to the point where you need medication because CBT psychotherapy isn't enough. I believe you can recover from schizophrenia without medication, but some people might disagree with this. I guess everybody's case is different.

My Mother And My Ticket To Freedom

Assuming my mom isn't a sadistic monster who is intentionally trying to torture me, living with her is very difficult. I feel so unloved. She views me like I'm the bane of her existence as if I'm a worthless loser.

She's a highly-emotional, high-energy dictator. She treats me like a man-child. I have no power and control. I'm passive. She bosses me around. She's mean, miserable, condescending, and critical of my friends - I'm never this way with her. I'm financially dependent on her.

I feel like I'm in shackles, imprisoned, helpless. I think my ticket to freedom and independence is sensational social media posts, to make myself a Hollywood superstar. It's a loud S.O.S. scream of horror. I'm screaming, and screaming, and SCREAMING online for help. 

If nobody saves me, I'm in store for doom when my mother gets older then goes away because I have no money saved in the bank.

Real World

Sadly, because of severe mental illness, I’ve never worked and lost a lot of time. I struggle with my social skills, often, think people see me in a critical way.

For most of my life, I’ve been deprived of friendship, socialization, and money. For years, I was home all day long, every day with my mother and stepfather which was very frustrating. I created a daydream delusional fantasy-land online. Much of my artwork is very good, but I believe significant people are viewing it, like major motion picture companies and my ticket to freedom and independence is sensational social media posts.

What I need to do, give up the daydream world, and start living in the real world. For example, get a grounded in reality job because my Hollywood superstar job isn’t coming. I’m waiting for Godot, wasting and pouring my life down the drain. I get delusions that famous people are madly in love with me – I need to accept no Fairy-Godmother is coming.

The real world isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, but that’s where I must live. A fantasy-land won’t save me from the grim reality – when my mom gets older then goes away I’m in store for a rude awakening.

Artwork (02 09 2021)

Predicate Logic - False Allegation:

Psychiatric Medication:

HIV

I was on Isentress Plus Truvada in January 2020 due to an overreaction. There was nothing to worry about. I was healthy and clean. Do these medications prevent HIV? Can they cause HIV? Someone said: "Look into Kary Mullis", now I'm sick to my stomach deathly afraid. Help me!

Treadmills

The treadmills are socially distended. So every other treadmill is a person. But this guy kept blowing his nose and appeared sick. The way the fans were blowing, it was gusting his germs into me, I felt something fly into my eye. Should I be worried about contacting something?

Step-Father

I'm living with a monster who resents me (my stepfather). Being around him is like walking on eggshells. It's non-stop chaos. I'm treated as if I'm a burden and don't have a mind of my own. Sadly, I have to take the abuse because I'm financially dependent on my mother.

I hate my step-father so much because he ruined my life and didn't care I could've died from my self-sabotage. I was running from him and the chaos at home. My mother gaslights me by telling me what a wonderful and perfect man he is. The truth is he's Satan and I'll expose it.

I Shouldn't Be A Disabled Adult Child

In my mind, I'm a genius and I should be a millionaire Hollywood superstar. I shouldn't have to work an ordinary job - I should be rich, famous, get ladies.

I lose sight of... by keeping me a disabled adult child: my mom is trying to protect me and my basic needs, not harm me.

disabled adult child

I don't know why the courts ruled I should be a disabled adult child because I'm capable of independent high functioning when I need to. In 2011, I became sick and my mom controlled my narrative and gained complete control over me. Now she controls my disability money, SNAP benefits (food stamps), and medical information. I'm comfortable like this, but it's leading me to DOOM.

When I start to get frustrated, I think my mom is keeping me dependent for sadistic and nefarious reasons. There's a conspiracy. She's torturing me. Depriving me of my life. I'm just a pawn in her sick game. 

My doctor says by blaming my mother and not taking responsibility, I'm pouring my own life down the drain. My mom gets sadistic pleasure from keeping me a child, then when I try to speak up she begins gaslighting me. I believe my mom isn't allowing me to get power and control over my life, then when I try to she yells at me as if I'm misbehaving. She's keeping me dumb and oblivious.

My Mom

My mom gets sadistic pleasure from torturing me and she's keeping me dependent intentionally.

Artwork (02 05 2021)

Passive-Aggressive:

Mr. Cool:

I'm NOT Going To Jail:

Syd Barrett

I really look like Syd Barrett:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/CVkTketH9oCDb56f7

Artwork (02 04 2021)

Codependent Relationship With My Mom:

 I Hate Riding The LIRR (Train Tracks):

Fantasyland (The Real World Is A Better Place To Be):

I'm Not Delusional. I'm A Talented Artist. Adult Responsibilities:

Teh Naughty Girl (Pink Lollipop):

Fantasyland

The fantasyland I created was to protect me from trauma and sad reality. Psychofarmocologists think it needs to be medicated. The truth is I can give up the daydream world with effort. It doesn't have to be medicated. Maybe someday I can come down on, or eliminate medication.

My fantasyland isn't entirely delusional. Thinking celebrities and major motion picture companies know me is. But self-expression is fun and I'm a talented artist - that's reality. Social media can make you delusional about the number of people you're TRULY reaching - that's the daydream.

I think the artistic expression on social media is my ticket to superstardom. Give up the pipe dream and get a job in the real world (at the psychosocial clubhouse for example). It's not as glamorous as Hollywood superstardom, but that delusion is what's robbing me of my life.

Some Posts (02 02 2021)

I get really scared when it's late at night, cold and windy. I've been alone and indoors all day. I'm depressed and frightened. The gym and friends distract me from these feelings.

The snow can be beautiful. Nature is beautiful. But shoveling is strenuous, annoying, I hate doing it. I also hate being confined to the indoors. I want to go to the gym and see my friends. Sadly, snow shuts down my life for a few days. I wish it hasn't snowed this much.

For most of my life, I have been deprived of meaningful socialization. I started to make some progress with friends in NYC from August 2019 to March 2020. Then with COVID-19, my boredom has become INTENSE. It seems life is nonstop pain and suffering. When will it get better?!

I need to accept there's no undercover celebrity, major motion picture company, I'm not going to become a Hollywood superstar. That's a delusional fantasyland daydream.

Stick to grounded in reality REAL WORLD jobs, like peer specialist at the psychosocial clubhouse. Help people.

It's possible to get discovered from the internet. I made four-panel drawings where I made Dr. Phil out to be my therapist and the show contacted me about being on. But even that, did they lose interest because they were disturbed and horrified by my social media account?

Although the internet has led to positive things happening. The internet has resulted in the wrong kind of attention numerious times. If I'm daydreaming about superstardom, then I'm leaving myself vulnerable to psychopathic cyberbullies harming me. That's not funny, that's scary.

I daydream positive people are viewing my posts and I'm in a simulation by a major motion picture company or undercover celebrity. It's a prank and I'm already rich and famous. The truth is I might be horrifically sabotaged and harmed by a psychopathic cyberbully very soon.

It is self-defeating to imagine I'm already a rich and famous Hollywood superstar. Why would I want to work as a peer specialist in the real world when I'm about to become an epic "rockstar"?! I'm a talented artist and posting on social media exposes me, but it fuels delusions.

Hypothetically speaking, if I was on the Dr. Phil show. Would they be interested in actually helping me? Or would they want to make me a sensational freakshow for entertainment purposes to make money? It might be funny and lead to exposure for my artwork, but would it be good?

There's a book I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by, Joanne Greenberg. In it, she's a God of a magical fantasyland. The doctor said to give up the daydream world, he doesn't promise the real world will be peaches and cream, but she'll never have a life if you don't live there.

The fantasyland brings on frustration when it doesn't come to fruition. The real would give me self-esteem and satisfaction. I don't realize it yet, but the real world is better than a delusional daydream world. Real-world life experiences are great, daydreaming about them sucks.

My goal is to leave the house, meet friends, get independent because the real world is much more fun than daydreaming about something that will likely never happen. Don't stay alone in my head all day long. Smile at people, say "hello" to them in REAL LIFE. Then I'll be happier!

I find artwork to be cathartic and therapeutic. I feel validated, heard, it lets off frustrations. I'm talented. Yes, posting my artwork on social media exposes me to the world, but it fuels delusions that I'm going to become rich and famous. It's like a daydream fantasyland.

Many posts I make on social media are a performance. It's like a professional wrestling or comic book character. My personality with the volume turned way up. Sensational and exaggerated. If I want to be taken seriously in the real world, lose The Joker gimmick, and be myself.