My Parents Are Sexual Sadists, Part 3

I know Dr. Garrett says it's not a credible idea my mother, father, and stepfather are all sexual sadists. They were all trying to kill me while creating the facade they were trying to help me. They were all trying to sabotage me. They were all getting pleasure from my suffering.

He'll say: no, you are suffering. But when you feel the constraints of your life you project onto your parents. You bring charges of sexual perversity. But your mother, father, and stepfather - they all love you.

Whatever. Bullshit. They were trying to kill me while creating a facade they were trying to help me. They were getting sexual pleasure from my suffering. it's obvious.

Like they say, even if it's true, which I believe it is, when you fight with monsters at some point you turn into an unempathetic monster yourself. i remember in my youth I used to see people tripping and falling and getting hurt - I used to feel bad for people. But they've put me through so much pain and suffering, I don't want to be a monster like them is my point. I want to enjoy my life. And I hope I don't get a terminal cancer diagnosis from the hell they put me through. I hope my best days are yet to come. I hope what's in my future isn't terminal cancer.

My Parents Are Sexual Sadists, Part 2

My father said "Disturbing. Thanks for destroying Easter Sunday. 

Stop being a bully."

My mother said "YOU RUINED EASTER.  LEAVE US ALONE.  EVERYONE LEFT THANKS  YOUR PURE MONSTER.  I TOLD YOU DON T COME IF THOUGHTS BUT NO YOU HAVE TO DESTROY EVERYTHING.    EVIL.  AFTER U ATE, YIU ENJOYED.    LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE"

My father said "And this is why that guy is reporting you to the police and authorities."

Oh, come on! My parents are sexual sadists. it's clear as day. They were getting perverse pleasure from my suffering. They're gaslighting me. I'm the passive one. It's a hostile dependent relationship. I'm the one who is getting abused. And it's pretty clear as day. I'm the victim here. They're making themselves out to be the victims... But they're the monsters. They're the ones who are evil. They're the sexual sadists. They're the ones who metaphorically raped me.

My Parents Are Sexual Sadists

My parents are sexual sadists, they were getting pleasure from torturing me, and it's OBVIOUS. I want them to confess the hidden realities. I want them to admit it. Just admit you were getting perverse pleasure from my suffering - admit you were getting sexual pleasure from my suffering. Admit that the HIV scare and my taking PrEP were premeditated. Admit you were pharmacologically abusing me. Admit it! It's obvious. I was being tortured. I was being kept involuntarily celibate. They were getting pleasure from torturing me. They got pleasure from putting me in the psychiatric hospital when I wasn't delusional. They're monsters behind a mask. They're sadistic deceivers. They get off from my pain and suffering. And it's clear as day. They gaslighted me, and they made me out to be the craziest of crazy, but I was being tortured by sexual sadists. My mother, father, and stepfather. That's what happened here. People, rather than intervening on my behalf, either contributed to the torture or did nothing at all.

Prank Gone Wrong, A SUSPICION

Nobody has confessed this (just a SUSPICION), but they were playing a reckless prank on me, and were gaslighting me into being afraid of HIV. They were trying to scare me. They didn't expect me to step on debris or to take PrEP. I had a panic attack. They expected it to be funny.

Don't come to a feeling of conviction there is a hidden reality. Some say my brain is malfunctioning because of an evolutionary flaw. Or maybe it's having gotten bullied, being solitary, and daydreams being the source of my self-esteem. Regardless, it's schizoaffective disorder.

I'm surrounded by people who love me - and that included my ex-girlfriend. No one was trying to traumatize me and cause psychiatric hospitalizations. The prank gone wrong daydream might be a delusion. Accept everything at face value. Try not to discover a hidden reality.

I don't want to think they were pure evil. I was a vulnerable mental patient at rock bottom. Maybe they had good intentions? Unfortunately, they MAY HAVE underestimated what a vulnerable mental patient I was in 2019. Or maybe this is all fantasy becoming reality - a delusion.

Maybe none of it is delusional? Maybe they were sexual sadists who wanted to take my innocence from me? Maybe it really was premeditated torture? Stop coming to a feeling of conviction about what I SUSPECT. No one has confessed or corroborated this to me. There's no evidence.

Green Bunny (Otto Greenberg) - Duped In NYC

Otto Greenberg thinks he's chatting with a dream woman online. He can try meeting her convinced he's going to meet his soulmate. Then he will get duped and robbed in NYC.

Otto tells his mom, "I'm going into Bed-Stuy to meet my dream woman."

The mother and father say: "Whatever, Otto. Be sure to go at 2 am. That's when all the fun happens." (they're secretly trying to kill him)

As he's entering bed-stuy, Otto's like "Bunny, you're not in suburban Massapequa anymore. This is a shithole ghetto. But according to Tinder, she's a supermodel with money. So go inside that rundown apartment"

The robber is a fake girl. He's posing as a woman online. Maybe he can say "Fool ! I am not your dream woman. I just want your disability and snap money!!"

Then we can have Otto come home, and tell his mom how he was robbed and got his neck cut, and instead of empathizing, she can just tell him what a loser he is.

Otto can be like: "Oh man! Nobody loves me."

At some point, he'll turn into Bill Goldberg. I think the first person he jackhammers for the 1-2-3 should be Dr. Natural.

My idea is Otto will come to the realization Dr. Natural is just gaslighting him. He's getting perverse pleasure from his suffering just like everybody else. So He'll metaphorically spear Dr. Natural, then pick him up for the jackhammer, 1-2-3, then Otto will say the streak is just beginning... from there he'll go on an undefeated streak against all of his sadistic persecutors. Maybe he can find an alpha woman romantic partner who takes out all the female persecutors as I don't condone intergender wrestling.

HIV Scare (03 30 2024)

The reason I'm not going bowling today with NAMI is, first of, I hate to bowl. But the real reason is I started to get a feeling of conviction the HIV scare and taking PrEP was premeditated torture. It came over me like a tsunami, I had to turn around, then go home.

When I'm in these the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED moods,  orchestrated by my mother, father, stepfather, Kelly, and so on - I feel gaslit, humiliated, lied to, and don't want to be around people. I want to be alone like an injured animal because I'm so hurt and don't trust people.

I'm trying to figure out the reason they metaphorically raped me because I thought they loved me and it traumatized me. There's no reason. They're just sadistic monsters. I was an oyster and they wanted the pearl. They wanted to deflower someone innocent for pleasure.

I'm a good guy who wouldn't have hurt them like that. But torturing me was a flex to them, they were getting sadistic pleasure from metaphorically shooting a vulnerable mental patient who behaved like a deer caught in headlights. I desperately needed mental health RECOVERY.

They were monsters behind a mask, SADISTIC DECEIVERS, who used then discarded me like I was a piece of trash. The reason is simply they got perverse sexual pleasure from doing it to me. I can't bring them to court, put them in jail, and so on. Accept it and move on with my life.

They were sexual sadists who were torturing me and no one intervened on my behalf. Instead they laughed or contributed to the torture. This is the truth and EVERYONE KNOWS IT.

Sugar Baby, Kelly (03 29 2024)

Because in late 2019 I was on websites like Seeking Arrangement, which is a Sugar Daddy website, was Kelly a Sugar Momma and I didn't even realize it? Was the whole thing orchestrated by my mother or father? Is Kelly responsible for this apartment I'm currently living in? Basically, was I something she paid for? Was I a Sugar Baby? I wasn't technically a Sugar Baby because I was unaware that the thing might have been orchestrated by my mother or father. But basically, was I being used for my good looks? Did Kelly never love me? Was I just something for her to use and discard of? Basically, was I something for Kelly to torture? Or did Kelly genuinely love me? Did Kelly genuinely care about me? Because I was at rock bottom at a mental health psychosocial clubhouse. I want to think, at the very least, that even if she liked the intimacy, I want to think the HIV "accident" - or what I'm being led to believe was an accident - I want to believe that wasn't premeditated. I want to believe nobody gaslit me into taking PrEP. But maybe I was something to be tortured - ya know?

Hidden Realities (03 29 2024)

There's obviously a hidden reality... I'M DONE. TELL ME THE TRUTH!

I don't want to think they are monsters behind a mask who were getting perverse sexual pleasure from my suffering, but it's OBVIOUSLY TRUE. It's clear as day. They're SADISTIC DECEIVERS. They were only creating a facade they were helping. In reality, it was sabotage and torture.

They'll lie and say it's "projection." I SUSPECT my mother, stepfather, father, women online, psychiatrists, WHOEVER - I SUSPECT they were getting pleasure from my suffering. They say I'm really suffering, BUT it was the school bullies who actually got pleasure from my pain.

Even if it's true, even if I was being pharmacologically abused, sabotaged, tortured, and they had nefarious intentions - I LOOK DELUSIONAL. I'll never be able to prove it in a court case. But I suspect I was being tortured and gaslit with PREMEDITATED INTENT by a sexual sadist.

At this point, calm down. Try to realize there's no deception or gaslighting. My parents and friends genuinely love, or loved me until I started getting persecutor delusions about them. There's no nefarious hidden reality. They're not perverse MONSTERS. Calm down and be happy.

Genuinely apologize to my friends and family for the delusional accusations I've been making about them over the course of these past few months. I'm back on medication. I'm doing well. Though, the abilify makes me tired. I really don't want to be on medication - accept I NEED IT.

What do I want? I want ALL my sadistic persecutors in prison for what they've done to me. It's obvious I was tortured by sexual sadists and I'm going to try my hardest to make it happen. So how do I do it?

So it's never been delusional? I really was getting raped in my childhood, was the victim of a pedophile ring, was getting tortured and gaslit? I don't have a memory of sexual abuse and no one corroborates it. Mental blocks don't exist. I'm having an emotional tsunami right now.

Get a grip and take my medication as prescribed. I don't want to go to the psychiatric hospital again.

Domestic Violence, Reactive Abuse (03 29 2024)

Somebody wants to know my thoughts on domestic violence. Well, a lot like other topics I'm asked to talk about, it's not a novel concept, it's kind of common sense, but domestic violence is bad. If you get physical you're going to be going to jail.

Obviously, many of us get into situations where we're being ranted at, where we're being raved at, where people are telling us we're the bane of their existence, we're being treated unkindly, and cruelly. Sometimes we'll want to react emotionally - reactive abuse. But punching the wall for example. But do you know what that leads to? It leads to you getting more medicated, it leads to you going to the psychiatric hospital, or possibly even jail.

So the best thing is to control your emotions. If you're in a situation where you're getting yelled at, maybe by a woman, the best thing to do, especially if you're a nonviolent passive kind of person - don't let your emotions bubble up and don't react in a way you'll regret - by punching the drywall for example and putting a hole in the wall then getting medicated or going to the psychiatric hospital. 

What you need to do in that situation - if you see it's becoming a powder keg, if you see it's going south really quickly - GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Take a drive to the mall and walk around, or walk around the neighborhood, and come back in an hour or so. Their emotions might be calmer, your emotions might be calmer, and everybody will be harmonious again. The tsunami of emotions will pass.

So if you react and punch a hole in the wall - you're going to get medicated. If you react and do something impulsive - you're going to either go to the psychiatric hospital, jail, or God knows where. SO DON'T REACT. Be Zen, be tranquil, be peaceful. Don't react to high emotion, high energy, getting ranted at and told you're the bane of their existence.

Describing Artwork (03 29 2024)

So I'm going to describe to you the artwork I created yesterday on March 28, 2024, at my art class.

In the first one, you see a heart and a lot of sad faces... And it says a "heartbreaking betrayal." Basically, I think my ex-girlfriend wasn't really my ex-girlfriend and she wound up betraying me in a heartbreaking kind of way.

What do I mean? Well, I suspect maybe it was orchestrated by my mother or father, but I suspect she actually had money and because of certain websites I went on... maybe I was kind of like a... Basically, you see her who is not my friend, you see her holding money, and she says: "I know how much you suffered, troubled man. But you will be "loved."" I'm like this manchild in his striped shirt. I don't want to use the term, but basically, she had money and I was being used for my beautiful looks I guess. Or is this not the case? I don't know.

And the last one is Satan. And Satan is dressed in a blue shirt so I guess it's a little bit like The Blue Blazer, assuming if I was being used for my looks, I'm assuming the HIV thing and me taking PrEP wasn't premeditated. you see Satan and he says: "I just want love." It's a little bit like Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones. Oh, we sympathize with Satan. I don't know if I was necessarily calling myself Satan in this one. Because I don't think of myself as Satan. I think of myself as angelic, good, a kind person.

But basically, I don't know. Maybe I wasn't being used? Maybe I wasn't something somebody paid for? I don't know. I just don't know. But this is this artwork. Maybe it's all daydreams becoming real, fantasy, delusions.

Psychiatric Medications (03 29 2024)

I said to my father "I'm sorry for cursing at you, saying hurtful things, and so on. I was angry about the adverse side effects of the medications, felt forced into taking it, and was getting sadistic persecutor daydreams. 

I feel like I'm not even being given a choice. They say take the 10 mg of abilify or psychiatric hospital. They won't even negotiate 5 mg or 7.5 mg. I feel forced into putting meds into my body that I don't want to take.

They have the narrative I need the medications - and maybe I do. But I feel forced into taking it. It's my body, but I have no choice. In years past, I'd accept it assuming their intentions were good - and even if they were, now in 2024, I question everything. I hate medicine.

The psychiatric medications are making me so tired, overeat, causes esophagus dysphasia, sexual dysfunction. Basically, what do they want - me to be a fat slob with no sexuality? Just leave me alone. I was fine this year off of my medication. I don't need the psychiatric hospital.

Artwork (03 28 2024)

Heartbreaking Betrayal (03 28 2024):

Man-Child, Suffered, You'll Be Loved (03 28 2024):

Satan, I Just Want Love (03 28 2024):

Racism And Slavery

So some people want to know my thoughts on racism and slavery...

"Judge not a man by the color of his skin but by the content of his character" to quote Martin Luther King, Jr..

And to quote Justin Beiber, "Racism is evil."


Basically, I know I'm breaking new ground here but racism is bad and everybody should live harmoniously, get along with one another, and do forth, and so on.

And the same is true for slavery, obviously. Slavery is bad. Nobody should be enslaved to another person. Somebody should not be another person's property. Somebody should not be owned by another person. Everybody should have freedom everywhere, but especially in the United States of America.

I don't think this is exactly a groundbreaking, controversial viewpoint to have... But racism is bad, slavery is bad. And I think it's pretty universally accepted. It's not exactly a mind-blowing novel concept. It's almost so universally accepted that they just love that narrative on the news, they love that narrative on social media. They just love that narrative - RACISM EVIL!

I'm Fed Up

I don't know if anybody can relate to this but I'll try to explain it to you... I'm fed up, I'm fed up with my parents, I do not even want to be around them, I do not even want to see them. We have interactions - but I'm just fed up living at home with my parents at 36 years old. I want a love life, I want friends, I want independence. But I'm so ashamed, I feel so dehumanized, I feel so defective and damaged that I want to stay at home and not even venture out into the world. I'm humiliated going to the art class, I'm humiliated going to the open mic. I just want to hide my shame at home. I feel so ashamed, especially after January 2020. I just want to hide at home, and almost curl into a fetal position like a wounded animal. Waiting at home - I'm waiting for Godot to rescue me. Nobody is coming to rescue me. I'm pouring my life down the drain. Fortunately, the world isn't full of people who are judgemental. Actually, the world is full of judgemental people. But not EVERYBODY looks at me in a critical way. I don't have to feel so extremely self-conscious. Go out there. Don't be humiliated. Don't feel dehumanized.

Brain Cancer, Socially Engage, Social Media

I'm getting excruciating migraines every day. Though, I just had an MRI last year. I didn't have brain cancer or an impending stroke. I've been sitting in solitude all day, everyday. Bad mental health is deadlier than smoking a pack of cigarettes daily according to social media.

Is it time to go back to the neurologist and ask for ANOTHER MRI? She's going to think I'm a hypochondriac. I'll say I'm getting bad migraines. You don't understand, I was taking a mega regimen of psychiatric meds for over ten years and sit in solitude. She will think I'm insane.

Regardless if these years of hell have caused brain cancer or if I'm fine, the key to recovery is to get out of "solitary confinement", to socially engage, develop interpersonal relationships, a love life, get financially independent from my parents, and develop self-esteem.

Something to remember, although I'm suffering in solitude and there probably should be an intervention, no one is secretly getting perverse pleasure from my suffering. Not my mother, father, stepfather, or women watching me online. Though, I'm really suffering. It is projection.

Am I really suffering? Without a doubt. But my chains are internal, not maternal. No one is holding me at gunpoint. I'm anxious, agoraphobic, afraid of the world, and have no social skills. No one has me in a metaphorical chastity belt. It's my responsibility to meet a woman.

I've wasted a lot of time - over 20 years. But no one is coming to rescue me. I'm waiting for Godot to come. Get off social media and socially engage as much as humanly possible. Get determined to find love. No one is going to make me rich and famous from my social media content.

My parents tell me to "Avoid the caffeine."

Yeah, that's the problem (sarcasm).

As Dr. Coplan said they often put on a pot of coffee in AA. As Dr. Garrett said you don't have a love life or anything - enjoy a cup of coffee.

I have a cup or two. Caffeine isn't the problem here.

Unloved

Has it never been a delusion? Have I been unloved for my whole life? I've never really had a love life with a romantic partner. I've been dependent on my parents. I wanted to think I was going to be a Hollywood superstar, or a millionaire, or a billionaire - and I was posting on social media hoping to achieve that dream. 

But is what's going to happen - am I going to be pushing up daiseys? Am I going to get a terminal illness like cancer soon? Am I going to drop dead? Am I going to go my entire life without having been loved? 

Were people getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering, from dehumanizing, and bullying me? Is that what happened? Nobody loved me. Everybody was getting pleasure from my suffering. Nobody had good intentions. And frankly, I'm probably going to get a terminal cancer diagnosis soon and drop dead. Is that basically what my life is going to be? I'm just going to go my entire life without having ever been loved? Is that really it?

They Don't Care

Even if the HIV scare was not premeditated. No one has ever shown sensitivity, empathy, or warmth towards me. No one has ever given me a hug. They yell at me and tell me to increase my psychiatric medications otherwise they threaten to hospitalize me. I just want someone to care.

Rather than say: I know how much you were hurt and affected by January 2020. They yell at me. Treat me like the bane of their existence. They threaten the hospital. It made me feel defective, damaged, and metaphorically HIV positive. It feels like no one cares about me at all. 

I'm SCREAMING for someone to love me. Instead of showing love, they pharmacologically abuse me for getting human emotions, or worse hospitalize me. Even if their intentions aren't nefarious and they think I need the medications - it's like the Pearl Jam song Jeremy.

What I need is empathy and to be genuinely loved, but that's not going to happen from these monsters. Frankly, they couldn't care less if I dropped dead - the evidence being 2005 - 2011 when I was running. So as a result, avoid them, heal myself, and find A GENUINE LOVE LIFE.

I know it's their house. If I don't like it go to a group home or be homeless. It could be worse. They treat me like trash, a burden, without love. They want to control me into being medicated because they want me passive. It's reactive abuse or cries to be loved.

Rather than try to hear and EMPATHIZE with me, I'm given an ultimatum. Increase my medication or go to the psychiatric hospital - it's barbaric that hellhole and they know it. I don't want to increase the medications, but if those are the options then I have no choice. I have to.

I'm increasing the abilify from 5 mg to 10 mg starting today. I've been taking 5 mg daily for weeks. My parents are watching me take it - which will continue. I'll be compliant.

They Betrayed Me

I'm coming to a very unpleasant realization that they betrayed me. They had nefarious intentions. They hurt me with premeditated intent. It was intentional. I think the worst part about it is not having taken PrEP. I don't think the worst part is even the trauma from feeling defective and damaged from the HIV scare. The worst part about it is the betrayal because the people who betrayed me I genuinely loved and trusted. I thought they had good intentions and were trying to help me, a vulnerable mental patient, recover. They didn't care about me at all. They were torturing me. It just hurts to know I was used and then discarded. It just hurts to know I was viewed as a piece of trash. It hurts to know I was nothing to these people, who took somebody who was at rock bottom and then discarded me like I was nothing. I was never anything more than a piece of meat, a piece of trash. It's just heartbreaking. I think when the anger passes, when everything passes, I think ultimately it's going to be heartbreaking, devastating, and it's going to crush me. I think when the years pass it'll be very sad.

HIV Scare (03 26 2024)

Just be honest. Was the HIV scare premeditated? It's obvious it was.

Can everyone stop lying and tell me the truth about what happened?

I accidentally put a dent in the wallpaper - not a new hole in the wall. I'll go to bed.

Goodnight. Having an emotional tsunami the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED.

Just relax and go to bed. This emotional tsunami will pass and I'll be happier in the morning. I'm just getting a trauma response that the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED and everyone is lying. Maybe a family therapy session where we talk about the HIV scare would be beneficial.

My mother is threatening to kick me out of the house. It's not even a new hole. It's just the wallpaper. And I couldn't care less at this point. But living with Dad would be a powder keg. Even worse than here. It would probably end badly if I didn't have complete privacy.

Just admit the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED.

Syd Barrett

Syd Barrett is a severely mentally ill elderly man - why the horrifying and chilling music? He's probably walking to the supermarket to get sweets in his white tank top and cut off blue jeans. It's not like he's an infamous serial killer - he's just lonely.

Hidden Realities (03 25 2024)

It's obvious there's a nefarious hidden reality. Tell me the truth, was the HIV scare premeditated and was I gaslit into taking PrEP? They say no one is engaged in a plot against me. The reason they don't confess is there's nothing to confess to.

Maybe the reason they don't confess to gaslighting and scaring me about HIV is they really didn't do it? I think they did and they're afraid to tell me because they think it'll become a powder keg. They're wrong. I don't want to go to jail or the psychiatric hospital.

Maybe they're being honest and transparent with me about the HIV scare. There's no nefarious hidden reality. I need to catch it, check it, change it. It was my own anxiety that made me take the PrEP, not gaslighting. It really is exactly what it appears to be at face value.

Are they being honest and transparent with me about everything? There was no pharmacological abuse? No one was secretly trying to kill me while creating a facade they were helping? Maybe everyone's intentions were good? It was the middle school bullies who intended to hurt me!

I'm afraid the hidden realities are not only as bad as I'm imagining, but they're even worse. If they ever confess I'll be STEAMING ANGRY. It's important if they tell me to not make an impulsive decision out of anger. But anyone who was put through this has a right to be angry.

Maybe I shouldn't be afraid because no one is lying or gaslighting me. Everything is exactly as it appears to be at face value. So relax. Don't worry. It's all good. Trust the process. Get socially engaged. And even if I'm right - ignorance is bliss. But I'd rather know the truth.

Nobody Loved Me and Self-Deprecate

Nobody loved me. Nobody cared about me. They were all dehumanizing me. They were all laughing at me. They were all getting pleasure from my suffering. They left me solitary to develop a life-threatening terminal illness. Nobody cared if I died. Nobody cared about me at all. They were all having the times of their lives with money, interacting with the opposite gender, and having fun. Me - I was solitary pouring my life down the drain, anxious, agoraphobic. I wasted my best years - my 20s, the beginning of my 30s - in a solitary fantasyland. And nobody cared. Nobody cared at all. Nobody cared if I died. 

I had no friends, I had hardly any girlfriends. Everybody was bullying me. Everybody was dehumanizing me. Nobody loved me. My friends and family didn't love me. They didn't care if I got hurt. They wanted me to die maybe. Nobody cared. Nobody loved me. I was just a piece of meat, I was a piece of trash, I was a piece of garbage to everyone. I was worthless, a zero, an insect. They just wanted me dead. Nobody loved me!

And I came back with determination. I'm about to be crowned as king. I'm about to be the ultimate winner. I'm not sure if they regret what they've done now. But if they do regret it it's not because they weren't getting pleasure from my suffering. It's not because they feel guilty. If they do regret it it's because I'm going to be champion and they're going to look like garbage, they're going to look like bullies, they're going to look like monsters. And they want to do revisionist history so they don't look like monsters. That's the only reason, if they do regret it, that they regret it is because they don't want to look like monsters.

Now I'm not saying it's always good to self-deprecate, to make yourself into a laughing stock, to turn yourself into the butt of the joke, to dehumanize yourself, and so on. but sometimes you'll be around somebody who thinks of himself as a zero, worthless and is in major need of mental health recovery. I'm appreciative of people who don't mind humiliating and dehumanizing themselves, not in a way where I feel superior to them. They do it because they have a history of having gotten bullied and they trying to show me "Look, we're equals. I'm not above you. There's no reason to feel less than everybody else, there's no reason to feel like an insect, there's no reason to feel like a piece of meat - we're all equals. You don't have to feel worthless."

I really appreciate people with kind hearts who are genuinely good like that, who try to lift people and see they're not worthless. These people will go out of their way to dehumanize themselves so somebody who feels extremely self-conscious and insecure will not feel like a piece of meat or a zero. This person will feel as though he's their equal. he will feel as though he's their peer. I think people who don't mind dehumanizing themselves like that, who don't mind making themselves into the butt of the joke... obviously, it's not good to disparage and degrade yourself but sometimes it makes somebody see, "look, we're equals and you don't have to feel worthless."

Daydream World

Although I didn't realize it and she's in disguise, I've been going on dates with Olivia Rodrigo, and all I wanted was an explanation from Kelly.

Assuming the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED. What does it mean? Does it mean Kelly and my parents aren't the gaslighters? Does it mean the torturer is Dr. Garrett? He'll deny it and say I'm delusional. Did they want to turn me into a rockstar? Did Dr. Garrett metaphorically shoot me?

As Dr. Garrett says, I flip back and forth between regarding myself as being delusional as a result of a “tsunami of emotion” to re-affirming my conviction that THEY'RE sadists who are the bane of my existence, that THEY'RE “gaslighting” me.

Dr. Garrett also says, I am preoccupied in my emails with demands that THEY “confess” to what they are doing, which never happens because THEY are not engaged in the clandestine plots I imagine.

Catch it, check it, change it. Try to realize no one is gaslighting me. No one had nefarious intentions. It was my own fear and anxiety that made me take PrEP. I made an adult decision. Was it a traumatic mistake? Yes, but no one was secretly a sadistic monster behind a mask.

Stop living in my solitary Joanne Greenberg fantasyland. As Gary Burr says, "love is out there... But you have to go get it." The key to recovery is developing interpersonal relationships and independence. But to be frank, it's having a loving romantic relationship with a woman.

HIV Scare (03 23 2024)

Just tell me the truth. The HIV scare was PREMEDITATED and I was gaslit into taking PrEP. It's OBVIOUS at this point.

They say the HIV scare being premeditated is a delusion but it couldn't be more obvious there's a hidden reality and something nefarious was going on. I wish they'd confess the truth - but it's ruined over four years. Put it behind me for good. Though, it's obvious they're lying.

They say there is no hidden reality but there are OBVIOUSLY major secrets. They gaslit me into having an HIV scare and taking PrEP. I think they're afraid if they tell me the truth it'll become a powder keg - so they'll lie to me for the rest of my life. But they did it to me.

Dr. Garrett said: I believe they intentionally “gaslit” me to make me fear HIV. Instead of facing the anxieties I feel when I try to remain engaged with the real world, I blame others for making me feel anxious rather than acknowledging that I am the source of the anxiety I feel.

Dr. Garrett said: I flip back and forth between regarding myself as being delusional as a result of a “tsunami of emotion” to re-affirming my conviction that my mother (or whoever) is a sadist who is the bane of my existence, that my parents and others are “gaslighting” me.

Dr. Garrett said: I am preoccupied in my emails with demands that my parents “confess” to what they are doing, which never happens because my parents are not engaged in the clandestine plots I imagine.

Daughter Of A Billionaire

While in fantasy, in theory, it might be fun to date the daughter of a billionaire. In fantasy, it might be fun to date the daughter of somebody incredibly rich and famous. It might be fun to date an extremely wealthy person because I have less than 2,000 dollars in my name, I'm disabled, I'm on SNAP food stamps, and if this billionaire came along... But then again, would a woman who's lived the billionaire existence really relate to me? Would she really be madly in love with me? Or would she look at me as a pathetic loser? Would she be bullying me? Would she be dehumanizing me?

Unfortunately, I probably need somebody who's lived a ghetto lifestyle like me, who's lived a rags-to-riches kind of lifestyle like me. Frankly, I probably wouldn't relate to the daughter of a billionaire. I probably wouldn't get along with the daughter of a billionaire. As much as in fantasy it seems like the movie Titanic - Rose falls in love with Jack and they live happily ever after. I probably need someone who's struggled severely a lot like me. I probably wouldn't relate to someone who's lived a privileged and beautiful existence their whole life. I probably need someone who's lived a ghetto existence their whole life. You know? 

I need someone who's been turned into a laughing stock and dehumanized. Somebody who isn't afraid to self-deprecate. Someone who isn't afraid to think of themselves as less than others. Somebody who wouldn't look down on you. Somebody who wouldn't be critical of you just because you eat food messy, or behave inappropriately. 

I think they say, that people who have true manners, who were raised right, if somebody is behaving awkward, weirdly, strangely they won't criticize you, they won't look down on you - they will make you feel like you belong at the table - they will make you feel like you belong. The daughter of a billionaire will probably be elitist, and upper class, and she'll look down on me as being a classless peasant. I probably need a woman who's lived a ghetto existence to be perfectly frank. I need a woman who won't look down on me. You know what I mean?

HIV Scare (03 22 2024)

Let's call a spade a spade here, the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED. They probably gaslit me into taking PrEP too. They had a narrative I was "pure evil" and a "monster." The truth is they were projecting. I have empathy and I'm sensitive. They just didn't want to know the real me.

The problem is if they confess, confirm, and corroborate what we all know is true - I'll be very angry - as I should be. They're afraid it'll become a powder keg. I disagree. I want success. I want a bright future, not to be in jail or the psychiatric hospital. But I'll be ANGRY!

The worst part of the HIV scare is I was at rock bottom, a vulnerable mental patient who needed help, and I trusted a monster with nefarious intentions. I genuinely told her how she deserved the best. I loved her. But she was getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering.

Maybe the reason they're not confessing is there's nothing to confess. Maybe it's my own anxiety, not them gaslighting me into having an HIV scare. I genuinely want to believe that. That's what the evidence is. But let's be real - they did it to me with premeditated intent.

At this point, they'll never admit the hidden realities to me. It's obvious they're lying, gaslighting, and were getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering. Just accept it. The best revenge is to live life well. Don't get angry. Get determined to make myself successful.

Love Painted Black

I'm chuckling with a woman thinking about the happy day we shared. The good old days don't last forever. Sometimes you look bad at things with fond memories. Other times it gets painted black.

I think there is literally a pearl jam song called Black about love getting painted black. It's a good song. I'm sure you've heard it.

I did Ashtanga yoga a few times. I felt like I'd injure myself while doing it. I was afraid I'd blow out my knees or slip and tear a muscle. Not really my cup of tea. But at the time it was a good experience. Now it reminds me of love gone bad, assuming it was ever love.

I guess a new girlfriend will help me forget about the tragic past relationship. The worst part about it is I genuinely loved her. I'm not sure what happened - but yeah, that was a trainwreck relationship. I did really love her, though. I hope she loved me too and it wasn't lies.

I just hope there were no sadistic intentions to hurt me and it was genuinely an accident. That's what everyone says. It was accidental. Unfortunately, my accusations are what destroyed not only the relationship, but also our friendship. It's too bad. It's time to move on.

Assuming she did want to hurt me and even conspired with others to do so, if they told me the truth right now it'd be a powder keg. I think if I found a new woman and love - I'd be less steaming angry - and less likely to react in a way I might later regret.

Emails, Dr. Garrett, March 2024, Find A Psychosocial

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Mar 21, 2024, 6:32 AM

I also signed the area of the form that lists a psychosocial as a requirement

My Emails:

Thanks Dr. Garrett

Dr Garrett said "I also signed the area of the form that lists a psychosocial as a requirement". Does that mean I am forced to go for a year?

Are you trying to force me to go on injectable and go to a PROS program for a year? Because frankly, I do not want that.

Somebody said I am going to a program for a year. Dr. Garrett said so in his email. They are trying to rehabilitate me into a human being. They want you to be a happy productive member of society. I don't want to go on injectable. I don't want to be FORCED to go to PROS.

If I'm going to a PROS program for a year and will be forced to be on injectable - I did this for a year back in 2012. It's unnecessary. Time is already running out for me. What, will I lose another year of my life in a mental health recovery group? It's time for me to succeed!

It'll be so much wasted time. A year down the drain! I want to fly off to Hollywood success with riches and fame. But it seems like the "dookie bus" is my future for the next year. Frankly, that's quite depressing. But I guess it's better than solitude in my room. Accept it.

Question for Dr. Garrett: Do you believe I have an autism diagnosis as well as schizoaffective? And do you think my problem is purely a product of my unpleasant middle school experience, and not genetic?

Emails, Dr. Garrett, March 2024, DRAFT Psychosocial Summary

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Mar 20, 2024, 7:12 PM

Andrew needs to successfully engage with the PROS program.  In the hope of aiding his success, I have identified what I would consider potential obstacle he will need to overcome to use the PROS program effectively.  If this summary is alright, I will sign it and send you a PDF.  My schedule is tight tomorrow.  I am hoping you both can respond by 11 am tomorrow.

DRAFT psychosocial summary attached:

I am a psychiatrist who conducts psychotherapy with Mr. Andrew Koloski while another psychiatrist (Jeremy Coplan, MD) prescribes medication. I first began seeing him in 2017 and since then, and in the last year, I have seen him 1-3 times a month for 45 minute individual psychotherapy sessions. He carries a psychiatric diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder (F 25.0). I am writing you this note with his permission. He was hospitalized repeatedly in 2011, but did not require admission again until 2023, when he was briefly hospitalized in January and March. Although he is not disabled in terms of activities of daily living, he is quite impaired in social and work relationships. Since becoming ill he has lived with his parents, now in a separate apartment attached to the main family house. He has not been suicidal, and with the exception of occasional outburst of anger at his mother that have not resulted in significant physical harm, he is not a danger to others.

Of central importance to Mr. Koloski’s psychological health, he was a sensitive adolescent who was bullied in middle school. As a result of this abuse, he internalized a mental representation of the world as being full of sadistic persecutors who aim to harm him. Although the bullies of his childhood did in fact take sadistic pleasure in his suffering, these experiences and his subsequent difficulties in interpersonal relationships have left him with a conviction that the world is a dangerous place full of suspicious people who are not who they claim to be. Although to the positive, he has in the last year sustained several social interactions – an art group, appearances in a comedy club, and a few acquaintances - he spends most of his time in his room. He posts descriptions daily of how he believes others are abusing him and lying to him about what they are doing.

The year before last he maintained an intimate relationship with a woman that lasted many months. Although she and he enjoyed each other’s company, the relationship eventually ran its course. He intermittently held the fantasy that she was not in fact the person she purported herself to be. Rather she was someone from his former life or someone connected to a celebrity who was working behind the scenes, and sometimes with malignant intent (e.g., she planned to give him HIV and intentionally “gas lit” him to make him fear HIV). Instead of facing the anxieties he feels when he tries to remain engaged with the real world, he tends to blame others for making him feel anxious rather than acknowledging that he himself is the source of the anxiety he feels. He also tends to imagine that instead of doing the hard work of recovery and pressing ahead in the real world with real people, he will be rescued by a celebrity or it will be revealed that he is the biological son of a wealthy man who will make good on his birthright by providing him with money. My efforts, the effort of his psychopharmacologist, and his mother, have been to try to help Mr. Koloski more independence in the real world. I think the PROS program would be an excellent resource for Mr. Koloski.

As a result of psychotherapy, Mr. Koloski has gained considerable insight into what we have come to call his “daydream world,” but the insight is intermittent. He flips back and forth between regarding himself as being delusional as a result of a “tsunami of emotion” to re-affirming his conviction that his mother is a sadist who is the bane of his existence, that his parents and others are “gas lighting” him. He is preoccupied in his emails with demands that his parents “confess” to what they are doing, which never happens because his parents are not engaged in the clandestine plots he imagines. Although when he takes medication as prescribed, he is less adamant in his accusations against his family and quicker to recover from persecutory “daydreams,” for the last year he has not regularly adhered to his medication regimen. At times he has assured his mother and his providers that he is taking his medication, only to reveal later that he was not telling the truth. When he is on medication, the psychotherapy achieves some traction. Off medication, the psychotherapy work has modest impact at best. Because Mr. Koloski sees no intrinsic benefit to himself from taking medication (he takes it because he fears if he doesn’t his mother will have him hospitalized) and because he has in the past not been truthful about stopping the medication, his actions have proven that the only reliable way to deliver medication is by depot injection.

Despite his wish to live in a “daydream” world Mr. Koloski has real strengths. He has an excellent sense of humor evidenced by several comedy club appearances he has made. He shows talent in art. There is an endearing quality about him despite his tendence to accuse those who are trying to help him. He is highly intelligent. Although his clinical history does not give reason for concern about his being a danger to self or others, his intelligence can at times undermine his commitment to recovery. He tends to consider himself “high functioning” in relationship to other attendees in psychiatric programs. This air of superiority leads him to keep his distance rather than fully engage in the rehabilitation programs he has been offered.

I think it important that I be frank about clinical issues that may have some bearing on Mr. Koloski’s progress in treatment. 1) he has a tendency to imagine he will achieve something by waiting to be rescued by a celebrity rather than doing the hard work of personal recovery; 2) he is inclined to consider himself as too high functioning for rehab programs, which may limit the depth of his commitment treatment; and, 3) he is inclined to stop taking medication, which intensifies his investment in his “daydream” world.

Despite the challenges, having worked with Mr. Koloski for many years, I believe that if he can invest more in the real world and less in his “daydream” world of innuendo and suspicion, he has enough inherent strength to make substantial progress toward independence. I think he is in need of what PROS can offer.

My Email:

Mar 20, 2024, 7:32 PM

It looks good to me, thanks Dr. Garrett.

Dr. Garrett's Email:

Mar 20, 2024, 7:39 PM

OK  Your mother though it was OK also.  I will send a final PDF in the morning.

Psychiatric Medications (03 20 2024)

Am I going to be angry when I learn the truth?

The psychiatric medication has me really tired. I wish my mother would stop policing me and my father would stop coming over to watch me take the meds. Just let me make my own decisions and live my own life please. 

My father said: "I cant stop over tomorrow. Mom will watch tomorrow. Will be back on Friday." 

My mother said: "Andrew  you said if no injection you d take meds in front of us.   Why is it an issue unless your trying to stopping it.   If you stop it you can not stay here. You can not com.e over you need your own place.   Do what you want but not here.   I have ptsd from your stopping meds and getting out of it.  Look back 4 weeks st how crazy out of it u were.  You want AOT.  Good but im done fighting about it.   Be suck good go loose it all.  NOT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!   I will force you out i live every day praying you ll get well and stay on recovery path." 

Let's call a spade a spade, I'm getting forced into taking medications. But it is what it is.

Psychiatric History

I was in the psychiatric hospital 6 times. South Oaks: 2/1/2011 – 2/7/2011; 2/19/2011 – 2/27/2011; 3/10/2011 – 3/16/2011; and 4/2/2011 – 4/8/2011. Nassau County Medical Center: 6/27/2011 – 7/14/2011; and 7/24/2011 – 8/25/2011. A good portion of 2011.

I was in Nassau County Medical Center psychiatric hospital again in January 2023 and March 2023. Which makes the record 8 times now.

I first started seeing Dr. Coplan in August 2012. He prescribed a mega regimen of psychiatric medications for over ten years. I stopped in Nov 2022.

I started seeing Dr. Garrett in January 2017. Though he's a psychiatrist, he does CBT. Psychotherapy for psychosis. He talks.

They Don't Care

It's ridiculous. Their excuse options are they were literally trying to kill me while creating a facade they were helping me. Or choice two is, they couldn't care less what happened to me. They should've intervened but there were no nefarious or SADISTIC intentions. Both are bad.

I wish they'd stop acting like they care now. They only care because I turned myself into a badass artist. They are trying to revise history. For the longest time, they couldn't care less about me. They care because it's going to look horrible for them. Just admit the truth.

Let's call a spade a spade here, they couldn't care less if I died and were preparing for my funeral in 2008. Though, I was doing it to myself. They should've intervened. But at least they didn't care was honest. Now I can elevate their lives so they PRETEND they always loved me.

Like a seesaw, I'm going up and my sadistic persecutors OR people who couldn't care less about me, are going down and it's GLORIOUS. But don't seek revenge on these monsters. Instead, get massive success and enjoy my life. The best revenge is to live life well and to find love.

They were much more interested in the rich and famous people. The winners, not their severely mentally ill family member or friend. Now I'm going to be even more badass than the celebrities they idolized. They liked me but didn't care what happened because I was a loser back then.

Let's stop acting like you care now. I'm just the new "celebrity." The flavor of the month. Stop acting like you always cared. You didn't. If I go back down, you will go back to not caring about me. You only like me because I'm Mr. Suave and Mr. Cool. It's not love. Admit it!

I wish they'd just leave me alone for good and have a nice life without me. I'm being FORCED to take my psychiatric medications for the record - I'm not even delusional. They threaten me with institutionalization - like the psychiatric hospital, a group home, or homelessness.

Although I'm not delusional, they're afraid if they tell me the hidden realities it'll quickly become a powder keg. I disagree. I'm not dangerous. They want me medicated, not because I'm delusional, but because of the secrets they're keeping from me. I have a right to be angry.

What is my motivation for taking psychiatric medications? Frankly, it's just threats from my parents. They basically say: take the medications or else. If they want to force me to take meds - there's nothing I can do. It's my body, but I have no choice. 

Artwork (03 19 2024)

Walking The Dog For Fun (03 19 2024):

Pudding Head (03 19 2024):

Bye Bye Mr. Mayonnaise (03 19 2024):

Pharmacologically Abused (03 19 2024)

At this point, they've unofficially told me the HIV scare was PREMEDITATED and they conspired into getting me to take PrEP. They've unofficially told me the reason why too. But it's still UNOFFICIAL. I wish they'd OFFICIALLY CONFESS they did it to me with PREMEDITATED INTENT.

They're liars and gaslighters who will never tell me the truth about anything. I don't believe a word they say. I know the truth. I know they did it to me. I wish they'd be honest and transparent. But they won't be. They'll never be. They'll never admit it officially. 

The ONLY REASON I'm taking the psychiatric medicine in 2024 is not because I want to, for the record, it's because they're threatening to institutionalize me - with either the psychiatric hospital, a group home, or homelessness. I do not want that for obvious reasons.

I know the psychopharmacologist said he never had nefarious intentions with the mega regimen of psychiatric medications that I took for over ten years. I hope my mother and father's intentions were good too. I hope I wasn't being sadistically pharmacologically abused.

After taking PrEP, then the rabies vaccine in July 2022, I'm like enough of this mental household. I'm done taking this cancer-causing trash. But it led to two psychiatric hospitalizations in 2023. So I guess take the antipsychotics if I want to stay out of the hospital hellhole?

Let's call a spade a spade here. I'm not delusional. I'm just very intense and they're afraid if they tell me the truth it'll become a powder keg. But anyone who has been lied to and gaslit for this long has a right to be ENRAGED when he learns the truth. I'm a human being.

They're creating a facade they care about me but they couldn't care less. They were getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering. They were only pretending to help me. They're monsters behind a mask. They're SADISTIC DECEIVERS. It's OBVIOUS. They only care about themselves.

I'm not delusional. It was premeditated, intentional, and SADISTIC. They'll lie and gaslight me. They'll victim-blame me. But it was intentional torture. They belong in jail. Everyone knows it. How can I trust someone has good intentions when they've proven themselves liars?

Time

When we're younger we have more energy. We can be like superman with no sleep. Then again, maybe that's mania? But you can accomplish superhuman feats if you're manic. But yeah, we get tired in the 30s. And we'll only get more tired in the 40s, 50s, and so on. It is what it is.

As long as you're able bodied and not in a nursing home in your 90s, I think people can do a lot at any age. The media glorifies the 20s when we are young and vibrant. However, my 20s sucked. I'm coming back with determination in my 30s. Hopefully, I have a lot of life ahead.

I lost a lot of time in solitude, having no fun, crippled in a schizoaffective daydreamland - what should've been my best years - my 20s. Though, the psychopharmacologist once described the home environment as a " powder keg" - no one had nefarious intent. My chains were internal.

ASSUMING I don't get a terminal cancer diagnosis soon, I SUSPECT I will, there's no medical evidence this is true. Come back with determination and live life now. If you asked my mother, she'd be dead of cancer 20 years ago. She's still alive and healthy. Maybe it's hypochondria?

I don't think anyone wants me to get cancer. There's a woman, who I know from the fountain house, I didn't know her too well. She's a sweet friend / acquaintance. God forbid she took PrEP or something bad happened - I'd be heartbroken and start crying. I wish her the best.

Psychiatric Medications (03 17 2024)

Quite frankly, I DO NOT and NEVER DID want to take psychiatric medications. I took the mega regimen for over ten years because I thought people's intentions were to help me. Even if their intent was to help, I feel I do not need the medications. They were wrong.

Although people tell me they're "helping" - I feel I'm being forced to take medications I do not want to take by my mother and father. I have no freedom. It's my body, but I have no choice. It's take the medications or else.

I should want to take the medications not because they threaten me with the psychiatric hospital or a group home. I should want to take it because it is helping me. But I don't think it really is despite their narrative.

I want to be left alone to make my own decisions - and my decision is to be medication free. I do not want to put another psychiatric pill in my mouth. The only reason I am in 2024 is because I'm being FORCED.

If I never saw Dr. Coplan again in my life and never took another psychiatric medication - I'd be so happy. It's my mother and father who want me medicated, what's my motivation for taking this shit except for threats of institutionalizing me?

I'm not saying they're SADISTIC monsters who were creating a facade they were helping me, but were really pharmacologically abusing me. Even if there was no nefarious intentions, I was getting a life full of what they wanted for me.

Some Posts (03 17 2024)

I want Kelly back and everyone knows it. But assuming she wants me, she's got a lot of explaining to do, is our relationship damaged beyond repair? It's been over two years - it's time to move on. Basically, yeah, it's tragic but the relationship is destroyed, correct?

So they say the most entertaining outcome is the most likely like a soap opera. What would that be? Would it be me finding true love with someone and finally being happy? Or would it be me getting locked in jail or the psychiatric hospital? Frankly, the latter is too sad.

If I find true love, who would it be with? Margot Robbie? She's been waiting 23 years for me? 

Then what's next - am I going to find out I really am the biological son of Syd Barrett, or Brian Wilson, or George W. Bush?

Or is this really all DELUSIONS? Do I sound INSANE?

There was a woman I had a crush on back in 2010. Her name was Lily. I ASSUMED she didn't like me - but maybe she does? Who is Sam? Is he dating or married to Lily? If so, is Lily "Kelly's" sister? Are they all GENUINELY MY BUDDIES? Then what would that mean about Margot Robbie?

Isolation

Although I appreciate the effort at understanding the staring at the wall lifestyle, I don't recommend you actually try to copy it unless you're a movie star who is doing it to understand my mindset. But to normal people out there, yeah, solitude drives you insane.

If you think you're on a self-destructive path to a mental breakdown -  you probably are. Change your path. Sometimes the road less traveled leads you to a solitary and brutal metaphorical death. Everyone else is working 9-5 with their families - maybe that was the right way?

You can drop off the face of the earth. The key to recovery is to socially engage, develop interpersonal relationships, get financially independent, and to get self-esteem in real life, not in a solitary daydreamland. Assuming I'm not neurologically damaged from it - I still can.

Except for severely mentally ill loners, can people relate to the complete isolation lifestyle? Humans are social animals. We're not meant to be alone. We're meant to socially engage. I've made progress coming out of my solitary fantasyland. I lost a lot of time alone in my head.

Cracked Eggs, Commissary

I'm going to share with you a story that proves I have empathy. Yay!

Here it goes:

So many years ago, in high school, I used to work at this military supermarket as a bagger. I worked for tips. I worked off the books. I worked at a military commissary. Obviously, a lot of people would come in there in uniform. They would tip me. Some people would tip me 25 cents, some people tipped as big as 40 dollars, and my mother usually tipped 20 dollars when she would come and shop in the supermarket with me.

So one day, I bagged this woman's groceries and I knew her eggs were cracked. But she liked me because I was a cute young man. I was putting the groceries in her car. Making an honest living. She said, "Wow, you stocked these bags so beautifully in my car." And she tipped me 40 dollars. 

At that point, I was thinking to myself: Shoot! I know I cracked her eggs. Should I run in there and get some more eggs? Should I tell her? Or should I not tell her? In hindsight, I didn't tell her. I just let her drive home with cracked eggs. Knowing her eggs were cracked, she tipped me 40 dollars, and she went on her way. I felt guilty about it. Very guilty about it, actually.

I guess it's a good metaphor. I don't know if I ever shared this story before. However, sometimes, you'll know something is wrong - for example somebody with cracked eggs - you'll know there are problems in this situation. However, you don't intervene. you just take the 40-dollar tip. you say nothing. You feel guilty. But you don't actually intervene. And you just allow it to happen. I'm not really sure what that would be a metaphor for... But.

Hidden Realities, HIV Scare

Now I don't know what the hidden realities actually are, I do suspect maybe things took place in my youth that I don't have a memory of, that are traumatic, and maybe the HIV scare - the HIV "accident" wasn't an accident. Maybe somebody was getting revenge on me for something that transpired many, many years ago. It's just a suspicion - I don't have evidence of this. As they say, don't believe everything you suspect. Let's say hypothetically speaking somebody was getting revenge on me, and let's say hypothetically speaking the person who was getting revenge on me I've been hanging out with, and let's say hypothetically speaking this person confirms and corroborates that he did this to me intentionally. i conspired to give you this accident intentionally. I think, quite frankly, I would quickly transform into The Incredible Hulk and I'd be enraged. Especially because, when it came to Kelly, for example, to think she wasn't actually genuinely my friend. I told her that her family deserves the best. I told her genuinely how she deserves the best. To think she would just hurt me like that - it's the ultimate betrayal. Be calm, cool, and collected. And frankly, have nothing to do with these people. If they would conspire to hurt me like that - just have nothing to do with them. But don't believe everything that I suspect. the evidence is these people are my friends. the evidence is it was an accident. The evidence is I'm coming to a feeling of conviction about hidden realities that I SUSPECT are true. The evidence is no one gaslit and conspired to get me to take PrEP

Main Character In A Movie

Somebody said: "Well bro, you thought you were the main character in the movie, well maybe you're just a side character." Obviously, I have a dream of being a movie star. I have a dream of being the central focus of a movie. But, you know what? If they want to make a movie about this, assuming you know... maybe I should start sabotaging the whole movie. Maybe I should start sabotaging all the artwork. Especially if they're going to make someone like Margot Robbie the star of the movie and they're going to make me out to be the monster and the villain. They're going to make me out to be Darth Vader. At that point, maybe I should start sabotaging the movie and say "This movie is not coming to fruition." I'll just pour gasoline all over the movie concept and ignite this movie idea on fire.

Or maybe it's going to be "feel good" and there are good intentions here? Maybe I'm going to be like the Kool-Aid man. I'm going to burst through my kitchen wall, and go to the other side, and adult. Basically, maybe I'll be like Hugh Hefner. They'll be tons of women. I don't know, man.

I don't know what the moral of the story is. If anything. Maybe the moral of the story is Hollywood is shit. Who cares about Hollywood? Who cares if you're in a superhero movie? Who cares if you're the star of a movie? There's homelessness. There's people living on the streets. There's poverty. Who cares about narcissism: Oh way, you look like a supermodel! You don't need to be a star of a movie. it would be fun making millions of dollars staring as Barbie, or Ken in my case. But realistically, I don't know. I just don't know.

Would I love to play Otto Greenberg? Would I love to play Green Bunny? Would I love to be the central focus of a movie, have everybody tell me what a genius I am, have tons of beautiful women, and be like Hugh Hefner? Of course. Who wouldn't?

Otto Greenberg, Green Bunny

Assuming we get the Green Bunny comic strip green-lit by a major motion picture company like Disney and we're about to make a tremendous Austin Powers-like parody of a superhero movie - called Green Bunny:

I know people are suggesting we change the name of Otto Greenberg to David Greenberg because of Otto Warmbier, but man, I've grown attached to the Otto name for Green Bunny.

Another name we could test out, assuming Otto Greenberg is too controversial - is Owen Greenberg after Owen Hart. That's controversial. But not as controversial.

If I have a son, I might literally name the son Otto. I've also thought of the names William and Alexander. If I had a daughter, The only name I could think of to name her would be Elizabeth. However, that's the name of one of my ex-girlfriends. My wife might not like that.

Hidden Realities, Torturing Me

I SUSPECT the hidden realities are so bad that they're afraid to tell me because they fear I'll turn into a metaphorical Chris Benoit. I won't. I don't want jail or the psychiatric hospital. I want to be a millionaire movie star. Or maybe the hidden realities will make me happy?

I think they're shivering and shaking because while I'm willfully blind to the hidden realities, you can't make reality not reality, and when I discover what they're I'm going to be STEAMING ANGRY. The angriest I've been in my life. But be calm, zen, don't react in emotion.

Maybe my life isn't a wholesome comedy about mental health challenges, maybe it's a HORROR STORY. When I discover they've been lying and gaslighting, I'll be so angry and there will be nothing I can do about it. They were getting sadistic pleasure from torturing me. It's OBVIOUS!

Even if the truth is so bad, don't explode in RAGE when I learn what it is. Anyone who is about to discover this would want to, but going to jail or the psychiatric hospital is EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT. The best revenge is MASSIVE SUCCESS and to live life well, not get locked away.

Or maybe the hidden realities are not so bad, or are shades of grey, when I learn what they are I'll be angry, but I'll also be like the Kool-Aid man I'll go smashing through my kitchen wall into my old bedroom and adult film music will start playing then I'll be a happy bunny.

Maybe I am a pudding head, have neurological damage from the solitude and mega regimen of psychiatric medications? Maybe this is all daydreams and fantasy? Maybe this is all delusions? Maybe NO ONE cares I exist? Maybe they're no hidden realities? Take everything at face value!

Even if I have neurological damage from the solitude and mega regimen of psychiatric medications - no one had sadistic intentions to render me a vegetable. Maybe it's like The Blue Blazer from the WWE - a medically negligent accident that even my persecutors feel guilty about.

Then again maybe the psychopharmacologist isn't Dr. Nick from The Simpsons? Maybe he's a professional who knows exactly what he's doing? Maybe punks duped me around 2009 / 2010 - and that's why I have neurological damage? Maybe it's the bullying? Or maybe I was Born this Way? 

Artwork (03 15 2024)

Swim (03 15 2024):

Child Abuse (03 15 2024):

Tattletale (03 15 2024):

Neurological Damage (03 15 2024):

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (03 15 2024)

Green Bunny (My Moms Coloring) (03 15 2024):

March 15, 2024

March 15, 2024:

Psychiatric Medications (03 15 2024)

They say I was not being pharmacologically abused - no one had nefarious intentions. Overmedicated? Yes. Did I want to take the meds? No. Regardless of intent, I feel the medications with solitude have caused neurological damage, dementia, and so on. It's very frustrating.

They say the medicine is helping, not hurting me. No one was a pharmacological abuser during the mega regimen years (2011 - 2022). Also, they say the medicine protects the brain cells, it does not destroy them and renders you a vegetable. Maybe I was born this way?

I was asked: what my motivation was for taking the medicine? Well, threats from my mother and wanting to stay out of the psychiatric hospital. But I should want to take it to eliminate feelings of conviction about what I suspect (delusions), not because they say take it or else.

No one was getting sadistic pleasure from watching me sit in solitude, while taking a mega regimen of medications I didn't want to take and developing neurological damage. My chains were internal, not maternal. It is tragic what happened to me. But no one had nefarious intent.

Even if it was premeditated and sadistic, it's like Murry Wilson hitting Brian Wilson in the head and causing him to become deaf in his ear. It's not Margot Robbie, or anyone's fault, possibly the psychiatrists - but they'll say they NEVER had nefarious intent. Case closed.

Resemble People, Biologically Related

So I said: "Oh, my biological father is Brian Pillman? Catch it. All evidence is that Robert Koloski is my father. Just because I resemble Brian Pillman, I shouldn't come to a feeling of conviction I'm biologically related to him. I resemble a lot of people - many whom aren't even famous."

For example, I resemble Syd Barrett - but that does not mean I'm biologically related to him. And the same is true for the woman I knew who resembles Margot Robbie - just because she resembles Margot Robbie does not mean she is Margot Robbie. People aren't infinitely unique. People look like people. Ya know? I bet you if I looked hard enough I could see gas station workers I look like, I could see school bus drivers I look like, I could see people in jail who I look like... because why not? I bet you I look like rich and famous people like I said like Brian Pillman, Syd Barrett, Keith Moon, and so on.

For what it's worth, what are they supposed to say about me - "I knew the son of Syd Barrett"? No, you didn't. Robert Koloski is my father. I'm Andrew Koloski.

So I didn't know Margot Robbie. Did I know someone who at least at one point looked like Margot Robbie? Yes. But I never knew Margot Robbie. I knew a doppelganger of Margot Robbie. I never knew Harley Quinn.

Try To Find Love

For over the past four years I wanted an explanation as to why Kelly did what she did with PREMEDITATED INTENT. They've unofficially told me. I basically want to disappear. I want to say to the art class woman don't even bother coming over my house - just get lost.

It's not this art class woman's fault I was betrayed and hurt by someone I genuinely loved and trusted. I just couldn't care less about developing the relationship. But the key to recovery is to socially engage and try to find love. Maybe the next woman won't brutally hurt me.

For what it's worth, I'm not even angry Kelly gave me a mental black and blue, more crushed and devastated because I was crying out for love and trusted her. But maybe when I discover the extent of the gaslighting and hidden realities it'll turn into anger.

It's my choice. I can choose to be positive (no pun intended) and give this woman a chance. Or I can be obsessed with having Kelly tell me why - which they all have UNOFFICIALLY done. They haven't told me why on the record, but they've told me the reason.

They conspired. They did it to me. They've unofficially confessed why. If I didn't want to go to jail or the psychiatric hospital - which of course I don't - there's nothing I can do. So focus on finding love and happiness, not getting revenge on my torturers. Live life well.

Artwork (03 14 2024)

Black And Blue, I'm So Angry, Mental (03 14 2024):

Nefarious Intent? Or Love? (03 14 2024):

Drop Off The Face Of The Earth (03 14 2024):

WWE RAW circa 1999

I'm nostalgic for WWE RAW circa 1999. They'll never be another show that crazy and wild. Society is too woke today. Too bad. I guess all we can do is look back at the old episodes and say those were the good old days before everyone became wussies. :(

Why do I think I'm about to get adopted by the Hart family after getting rejected by my family? Kind of like Brian Pillman. My number on this all star team will be 47. Is it true love? Or will they question our motivation for forming this stable?

The reason I choose 47 as my number is because I used to play I'm thinking of a number with my father. Every single time he'd choose the number 47. I wondered was the fountain house premeditated? Was it an ak47 reference? He says I was the first one to pick 47. There's no reason.

I think I'm going to breakdown and cry when I find true love with Oje Hart and the Hart family. After being unloved and rejected for my whole life - the black sheep - the scapegoat - finally someone will CARE about me genuinely. It will be a beautiful and touching moment.

Let's call a spade a spade here, are the hidden realities as bad as I'm imagining? I'm afraid they're even worse. But don't worry because they're going to make me like Brian Pillman in the Hart Foundation after rejecting me for 23 years. It's going to be rainbows and butterflies.

I wasn't born this way, I was on the brink of superstardom then I metaphorically dropped Margot Robbie on her neck. So they were torturing, trying to give me neurological damage, cancer, and so on. Or were their intentions genuinely good? Come on, someone be honest with me!

 

I think I knew Margot Robbie

Yeah, I think I knew Margot Robbie but didn't even realize it.

I didn't just know a real life Harley Quinn... I knew literally the fictional Harley Quinn too lol

Soooo. Am I getting dropped from the rafters?

If they don't have a plan - when I discover the hidden realities I'll literally transform into The Incredible Hulk. However, I SUSPECT they're bringing it in for a smooth landing and someone, possibly Margot Robbie, is in my old blue bedroom in solitude for the past four years.

Someone said if I went smashing through my kitchen wall (my old bedroom is on the other side)... Maybe I'd be like the Kool-Aid man and say "ooooh yeah!" Although the suffering was BAD, maybe this is about to end with me as a very happy bunny, not as a human sacrifice.

Artwork (03 12 2024)

Neurological Damage (03 12 2024):

The Face (03 12 2024):

Psychiatric Medications, Forced, My Body, No Choice (03 12 2024):

Psychiatric Medications

My mother said: "Andrew.  Dad and I discussed we are giving up our lives to help u.  You take  10mg tomorrow in front of dad.  You just lied to my face.  Your not gonna do this and we are done.  We can tell if not taking.  If u stop again   911 will be called ."

I said: "I'm taking the meds, LEAVE ME ALONE"

My father said: "Andrew:  I will stop over tomorrow/ Wednesday morning to watch you take the pill"

I said: "I'm still adjusting to the 5 mg
I'll increase to 10 mg soon enough, but not tomorrow"

My father said: "After your gym"

My mother said: "Coplan wants you on injection.   Also on at least 10.  You get nasty" "Oplan said uour way past 5.   It bullshit.   Done doing cooking baby u.   Grow up or go to aot. "

My mother said: "Your a liar over and over .....thats why injection only way.    You ll go to hospital don t pass go....   so fucking done.   Grow up"

I said: "I'm not a liar. I've literally been taking that meds for a week now.
LEAVE ME ALONE!"

My mother said: "Sorry. Wrong.  My house you can call shits in group home.    Yeah right.    You canbt be this dumb to risk your freedom but illness WINS.   Nope in my house.  Get out.  You ll be alonee then"

I said: "I really have - I don't really
Want to take the meds, to be frank. But I've taken it for a weekBecause I basically have to"

My mother said: "You want ti stop and you will.  Its past time for 10mg which is a girly dose.    I sm tired of being slave to your non compliance.   Go to spa.    Leave me alone""You just lied to my face done"