Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft):
The main character's name is "Andrew" (obviously, it's based on me).
The Step Dad's name is "Dean".
Andrew's Mom's name is "Maria".
"Kiley" is the family dog. And the backdoor is right outside Andrew's bedroom.
Scene 1:
Step Dad lets the dog out back.
Step Dad: (screaming like a lunatic) Kiley, go to the bathroom.
Andrew puts on his air conditioner and loudly listens to music through his headphones to not hear Dean, but can hear EVERYTHING from his bedroom.
Step Dad: (still yelling) Kiley, don't walk on the dirt.
(30 seconds later): Go, go go.
(60 seconds later): yells "Come inside" 15 times.
Andrew is BEGGING GOD, please make my Step Dad relax. Please make me have peace and quiet.
When the dog comes inside, she jumps on the couch. Dean begins screaming like she just murdered someone: KILEY, GET OFF THE COUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andrew's thinking: OH MY GOD I'M IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scene 2:
Mom: (knocks on Andrew's door) Andrew, can I come inside?
Andrew: Yes, mom.
Mom: You never leave your room. it's like you're chained to the chair, living in a fantasyland.
Andrew: yes, I have bad anxiety.
Mom: Maybe you need to see a psychiatrist.
Andrew: No. I don't need one.
Mom: You need to get a job, Andrew. I can't support you forever.
Andrew: I applied to Starbucks, Burger King, and Taco Bell.
Mom: You need to look harder.
Andrew: Ok, ok... leave me alone, go away.
Mom: (yelling) DON'T TELL ME TO GO AWAY. HOW DARE YOU. I'M YOUR MOTHER. DON'T DISRESPECT ME!
Andrew leaves the house to go for a run, his mom sends him 20 nasty text messages.
Scene 3:
When Andrew returns home his mom is calmer.
Mom: Would you like dinner, Andrew? I made eggplant parmesan.
Andrew: Yes, mommy.
Mom: Love you.
Andrew: Love you.
Andrew begins to wash his sweaty clothes. And his Step Dad is watching EVERYTHING he's doing like a hawk, Andrew feels like he's walking on eggshells.
Dean: Don't put the wash on extra rinse.
Andrew: Ok. Fine.
Dean: Put the wash on warm instead of hot.
Andrew: Alright.
Dean: Put it on medium soil... And why are your sweaty clothes in with your mother's clothes? They should be by themselves.
After YEARS of no retaliation, Andrew says: I've had enough!
And throws the laundry soap at him.
Mom: OH MY GOD ANDREW, YOU NEED A HOSPITALIZATION.
Police cars arrive, and Andrew is taken to the psych hospital in an ambulance.
Scene 4:
At the hospital, Andrew sees Dr. Arrogant who is a public and state appointed psychtrist.
Mom: Andrew's out of control. He's getting violent. He misbehaves.
Dr. Arrogant: Andrew you need to take 1,000,000 mg of Risperdal, 750 mg of Invega, and 2,000 mg of lithium, and you may need a frontal lobotomy.
Mom: Thank you, doctor.
Andrew: But doctor, I'm not functioning sexually. I'm gaining a lot of weight. And I'm submitting to my parents again.
Dr. Arrogant: Sorry, there is nothing I can do. You must take these meds.
Scene 5:
After months of seeing Dr. Arrogant, Andrew's discharged from the hospital and can see a private psychiatrist.
Andrew's Mom takes him to Dr. Natural.
Dr. Natural: So Maria and Andrew, what brings you here today?
Mom: Andrew's been misbehaving at home and has gotten violent.
Dr. Natural: Oh, you can't be getting violent.
Most psychiatrists would prescribe Invega, but I have learned that Green Beans are as effective as the strongest mediction. And there are no adverse effects.
So, Andrew, you must eat Green Beans ALL DAY long.
Andrew: Thank you, doctor.
GREEN BEANS!!!!!!
After the appointment:
Andrew: Mom, I really like Dr. Natural.
Mom: I don't know if he is doing a good job.
(to be continued)
Second part:
Dr. Richard Natural is located in a bad neighborhood in Brooklyn. The first two weeks Andrew went with his Mom and Dad, but finally, he was able to go alone:
Dr. Natural: How was your commute?
Andrew: I was panicking. I thought I was going to get lost, wind up in an even worse neighborhood, then get mugged.
Dr. Natural: But you got here ok?
Andrew: Yes, with no issue.
Dr. Natural: See, the real world isn't chaos.
Dr. Natural: According to your mother, you rarely leave your bedroom and post on the internet all day. Is this true?
Andrew: I came here, get coffee in the morning, and go to the gym. So TECHNICALLY it's not ALL DAY.
Dr. Natural: Most of the day?
Andrew: Yes, most of the day. (Laughs)
Dr. Natural: Ok, you need to do more than that.
(fast forward a few minutes)
Andrew: Have you ever heard of Samantha Mint? She's a famous pop star. I check her Instagram and Twitter.
Dr. Natural: No, I'm in my 70's. I don't follow modern pop.
Andrew: I believe she knows who I am.
Dr. Natural: How so?
Andrew: I was wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, then I noticed she was on her Instagram too. Or, I was posting about birds and I discovered she had a bird sweater on.
Dr. Natural: This is an example of predicate logic. You think things are related to you that aren't. There's no evidence Samantha Mint knows you.
Andrew: And I was also thinking...
Dr. Natural: Time's up! I don't give you my advice for free. See you next week.
_______
Back home:
Mom: What did you talk about with Dr. Natural?
Andrew: We talked about living in the real world.
Mom: Good. Let's live in the real world.
I proceed to enter my bedroom fantasyland for the rest of the week, and a montage begins of me going to the gym, making crazy videos, posting on Instagram, youtube, twitter.
I glance at Samantha Mint's Instagram again, and again, and again throughout the week. Look, she's wearing a camouflage dress and I was wearing a camouflage t-shirt in Brooklyn. Is she watching me through the subway and Starbucks cameras? Is it a message?
Step Dad: (outside my bedroom) Kiley, get off the couch.
Mom: I swear this dog has a split personality. I think we need to medicate the dog.
Andrew: Ahhhhhhh, I'm in hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The montage ends, and the week is over.
______
(fast forward to next week's appointment),
takes the train to Brooklyn to see Dr. Natural
Dr. Natural: What steps have you taken to be in the real world this week?
Andrew: Well, I walked to the coffee shop down the block and bought a latte.
Dr. Natural: How was that experience?
Andrew: Good. I like coffee. And there are some cute baristas that work there. But I feel like everyone is viewing me like I'm a mentally ill freak.
Dr. Natural: What else did you to be in the real world?
Andrew: I go to the gym. But I don't interact with anyone and they all think I'm crazy.
Dr. Natural: How was your commute this week?
Andrew: Good, I guess. I didn't get lost.
Dr. Natural: Why "you guess"?
Andrew: Well, there was a smelly man on the subway spilling beer everywhere.
And there were these two attractive women, and I was trying to hide within myself. I couldn't look at them. I felt like everyone was viewing me in a critical way. I was having panic attacks.
Dr. Natural:Were you bullied as a child?
Andrew: Throughout my childhood, I was severely bullied.
Flashback montage begins:
The kids would hit me, burp in my face, humiliate me, degrade me, embarrass me. And this went on every school day.
Dr. Natural: It seems like bullying intensified your fear of the real world. Wherever you go you think everyone and everything's a bully. But the reality is, that's not true.
Andrew: But that's ok. Samantha Mint is waiting for me to get mentally stable. Then I'm going to get rich and famous. (half joking)
Dr. Natural: I hate to bring you bad news, but no one is coming to rescue you. And Samantha Mint doesn't know who you are.
Andrew: I hear you say that Samantha Mint doesn't know me, I repeat it, but I don't believe it. I was listening to her new album about love. And I believe all the songs are about a future relationship with me
Dr. Natural: The reason you feel this way is because you have nothing in the real world. If you go out, begin interacting, perhaps you won't need the Samantha Mint fantasy. You're living in a fantasyland, but when your mom gets older, the illusion will shatter. Prepare for the future now before the rude awakening.
(to be continued)
________
Eventually, I'm going to take the subway and get off at the wrong stop and start to panic.
Third part,
Andrew: I feel like my Mom has me in shackles. She's preventing me from living life.
Dr. Natural: Your mother does not have you in shackles. Your own fear of the real world creates the seeming prison in which you live. Your fear of interacting with the world in a real way shackles you.
Andrew: That's true. My mom encourages me to get a job, join clubs, go on dating websites. The shackles are inner anxiety.
Dr. Natural: Exactly.
Andrew: If no one rescues me, when my Mom can no longer take care of me, I'm screwed.
Dr. Natural: You need to depend on yourself. Take charge of your life. The only one who can rescue you is you.
Andrew: How can I rescue myself? Maybe get a job, a recovery group?
Dr. Natural: All sound like good ideas.
_____
(Back home)
Mom: How was Dr. Nature this week, Andrew?
Andrew: Good. He scared me a little. He said I need to take charge of my life because if I don't, I'll be in a bad place when you get older.
Mom: I am older. I'm 65 years old.
Andrew: I didn't want to say, "when you're dead". That is too blunt. So that's why I say, "when you're older."
Mom: Right. (she laughs). We need to be the master and commander of our ship.
Andrew: That's exactly what Dr. Natural was trying to tell me. I'm not helpless without people doing things for me.
Mom: Sooo... What have you done?
Andrew: I applied to the Stop & Shop supermarket, and I have a job interview for a part-time stock/clerk position. Can you take me? It's tomorrow.
Mom: Yes. Remember, it's a stepping stone.
Andrew: I haven't even gone on the interview yet, and already don't want the job. I have a Bachelor of Science in Business Management, a Specialization in Marketing, and a Minor in Media Arts. Plus I'm a genius. I’m SO overqualified for this position that it's ridiculous.
Mom: Andrew, you haven't worked in 8 years. You can't start out as the manager. And it might be for a managers position. You don't know. Get dressed up well. And they may hire you for anything.
Andrew: I don't think this is an interview to be the manager of the store. And a Stock/Clerk is what I was doing when I was 20 years old, now I’m 31 years old.
Mom: Remain positive.
Andrew: You're right. It’s some money and something for the resume.
Mom: You don't want any more gaps in work history.
Andrew: The cream rises to the top, and I am the cream of the crop.
Mom: You're sounding grandiose.
Andrew: Love you, mom.
Mom: Love you.
(Scene ends.)
_____
(Day of Stop and Shop interview)
My mother and I get to the Supermarket an hour before the interview. I got dressed up in a suit, brought my resume and letters of recommendation with me... plus I'm really handsome. I'm shining like a million dollars.
Mom: Don't forget to tell them you have to make less than $780 dollars a month since you don't want to lose your childhood disability status.
Andrew: Ok, I'll remember.
I went inside around 11 am and asked the front desk if they wanted to interview me early.
Front desk: The manager said no, come back at 12.
Andrew: OK, see you in an hour.
I sit in the car with my Mom for an hour, talking.
Andrew: I was walking around, viewing the employees. I'm so overqualified that it's laughable and depressing.
Mom: Stop it. You're sounding grandiose again. You're not Mr. Rockstar. You need to start at the bottom.
Andrew: I'm overdressed for this interview too. I'm probably the best-dressed person within 10 miles of here, that includes this store.
Mom: It's better to be overdressed than underdressed.
Andrew: I guess. But most people wear blue jeans and a button down shirt for stock job interviews.
Mom: What if they say it's a manager's job position?
Andrew: You're right.
I walk inside at 12 pm. I had to wait a long time for the manager in the break room because she was doing something else. I was observing all the employees. I felt SO BEYOND this.
When the manager finally came to retrieve me, she didn’t even know who I was.
Manager: “Alex?”
Andrew: No, my name is Andrew.
(she went looking for my paperwork. I realized I'm in a suit and the store manager is dressed like a bum).
She couldn’t find my “Stop & Shop” paperwork.
Manager: “do you even have an interview?”
Andrew: Someone called me, and told me to come in on Monday at 12. Would you like a copy of my resume? It has all my information on there.
She rolled her eyes, and said to some random employee behind me: “really?!”
I quickly realized I wouldn't be needing my college letters of recommendation. :(.
Manager: I still can't find you. Are you sure you applied?
Andrew: I'm pretty sure. (but even I'm questioning it now).
Manager: wait, I found you, come in.
Andrew: Awesome.
Manager: I'm so disorganized (laughs).
The interview went well. I was nervous but came across well - SO OVERQUALIFIED!
I was hoping she'd offer me an assistant manager position since I have a Bachelor of Science in Business Management.
Andrew: I’d do part time or full time depending on the position.
Manager: Well, the position we are interviewing you for is a part-time position. You’d work filling up ends and working with trucks. (Stock)
It seemed like she was distracted with something else the whole interview. It was as if she didn’t care. At one point she was on the phone placing her food order. But she seemed impressed by me. It was like I was hired before the interview even began.
After getting hired, I said:
Andrew: But one thing, I have to make under $780 dollars a month.
Manager: How many hours is that?
Andrew: 16 – 20 hours.
Manager: Let’s wait on the paperwork now. We’ll have to see. Call back Friday or Saturday.
Back in the car with my mom:
Mom: How did the interview go?
Andrew: I was practically hired. She might as well have said, "here's your uniform start right now."
Mom: Great...
Andrew: But I have bad news. I may have blown it by mentioning the $780 dollar thing. She said to call Friday or Saturday. I don’t know if that means I didn’t get the job. But I HAD to tell them. Perhaps I should have said it differently.
(My mom was very annoyed with me the car ride home.)
Andrew: It wasn’t my dream job.
(She agreed and calmed down.)
Mom: I just want you back in the real world, so badly.
Fourth part,
(Calls the manager of Stop & Shop on Friday to see if I was hired as a Stock / Clerk, as she instructed).
Andrew: Hello, it's...
Manager: Alex?
Andrew: No, my name is Andrew.
Manager: Right... Right... Sorry. (Laughs).
Andrew: What's my status? As you know, I have to make less than $780 dollars a month, which is 16- 20 hours a week.
Manager: After some consideration, I decided you have the job! Can you start tomorrow? We really need people.
Andrew: Yes, I'll see you tomorrow.
(Hangs up my cell phone)
Mom: What happened?
Andrew: I have the job. I start tomorrow at 1 pm.
_____
A montage begins of my first and only day at Stop & Shop.
Most of the stock crew is a decade younger than me. There are some punk kids in the back room who are making fun of me, an older employee told me "don't do drugs."
It's a labor job and the work is very difficult. It's backbreaking.
A (customer) was really nasty to me and began flipping out, "where's the bread?". Long story short, I found the bread with a smile on my face.
I saw customers, including a woman I used to go to college with, and I felt SO EMBARRASSED. She's now working as an accountant. I'm a 31-year-old stock clerk. I used to feel important like I was on the same level as these people (when I was in college). Now I'm at a dead end, going nowhere job.
I accidentally went slightly over 15 minutes on my break. Let's say I did 20 minutes. I did it because I ran across the parking lot to Dunkin Donuts for some coffee. When I came back a jerk male manager, who is at least 5 years younger than me, started lecturing me about only taking 15-minute breaks when you work 4 hours. I apologized to the manager with a smile on my face. But I was thinking that I’m too old for this nonsense.
So I left Stop & Shop in the middle of my shift, on my first day, without telling anyone.
Montage ends
_____
(Arrives home early)
Mom: Sooo... How did it go?
Andrew: I left. I couldn't work there. It hurt my pride working there.
Mom: WHAT?! You're a f****** idiot, Andrew. You ruin every day.
(throws bread at me)
Andrew: I couldn't deal with stock. I felt above it.
Mom: You're sounding grandiose.
Andrew Leave me alone, Mom. Perhaps not wanting to be there was depression. Because I’m VERY sad now.
Mom: Don't be sad, Andrew. Are you feeling ok?
Andrew: Yes. I'll talk to Dr. Natural about it tomorrow.
Mom: Just know, I'm not a millionaire. If you don’t change and don’t stop finding something wrong with every job, you'll wind up in a half-way house or something where the state takes care of you. Do you want that?
Andrew: No, I don't want that.
Mom: I can't support you forever and I'm scared for you.
Andrew: I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
Mom: Goodnight, Andrew.
_____
(scene starts mid-session with Dr. Natural).
Dr. Natural: How did Stop & Shop go?
Andrew: I quit.
Dr. Natural: Quit?.
Andrew: I felt humiliated and ashamed. Plus, quite simply, I didn’t feel like working. I want so much better for my life.
Dr. Natural: It's temporary, merely a stepping stone.
Andrew: I walked out in the middle of my first day, didn't tell anyone, drove home, and I'm never going back. I'm going to stop answering their calls and will delete their voicemails.
Dr. Natural: It sounds like you are running away from life and the real world. I think you should answer the calls and explain yourself.
Andrew: I SHOULD. But I won't. I'm too embarrassed and scared now. Stop & Shop was a self-fulfilled prophecy. I went in there with a negative attitude thinking I was going to hate it, and I did.
Dr. Natural: It's like the old saying goes, a negative mind will never give you a positive life.
(to be continued)
Fifth part,
Andrew's biological Father, Edward, is picking him up at the house. Aside from a phone call in the morning, this is the first time Andrew's seeing Edward in weeks.
(Andrew enters the car)
Andrew: Hi Papi.
I occasionally call Edward, "Papi" because there was a wrestling storyline where Rey Mysterio wasn't his son's biological father. Basically, I don't believe Edward is my Father, I believe a famous rockstar is (delusion).
Edwards (starts breathing like Darth Vader): Luke, I am your Father.
(this only intensifies my delusion)
Edward: Your mother said you are working now. Tell me about that.
Andrew: I'm not working at Stop & Shop anymore.
Edward: What?! You just started.
Andrew: I'm not working!
Edward: You need monies to survive in life. What are you going to do for monies?
(fast forward 5 minutes)
Andrew plays Maroon 5 for Papi, hoping he'll like the songs "She Will Be Loved" and "Payphone". Papi mocks She Will Be Loved and says it's important to spend your "change" on women, not your dollar bills (Payphone lyric). This gets Andrew angry internally.
(Papi and Andrew go to a 7 dollar Chinese buffet. Andrew is grossed out by the cheap food and water):
Edward: (eating like a hog) How do you like your Chinese, dude?
Andrew: (lying) It's good.
Edward: My friend Brento, who plays in a Pink Floyd cover band, got me thinking... You're like Roger Waters. You were severely bullied in school, have an overbearing mother, now tear down the wall.
Andrew: What are you talking about?! (getting internally angry)
Edward: My friend Brento was also telling me he uses Tinder to meet women. Go on Tinder.
After a horrible day with Papi, Andrew goes back home and begins using Tinder.
_____
On Tinder, Andrew swiped right for almost every woman. When he finally got a match, he was hoping it was someone from the past, in disguise. And they were going to surprise him in a magical moment for his birthday. And he'd be like, now I have my magical wife. Who would also lead to him getting rich and famous.
Instead, it was the worst date he's ever been on.
Calls his Tinder match:
Andrew: Would you like to go to Millers Ale House and get food, Sunday afternoon?
Bubbles: Why don't we go to Thirsty Ronnies instead. (some crummy bar)
Andrew: I really shouldn’t drink alcohol.
Bubbles: They have good food too.
When I got to Thirsty Ronnies, there was nobody there. It was a Sunday afternoon. We were the only customers in the bar.
I wasn’t attracted to her either. She was hideous looking.
Andrew: Nice to meet you. I hope you’re not too disappointed by me.
I was trying to make it like I was the insecure one - but the truth is, I WAS really disappointed by her.
She indicated that she drinks a lot, doesn't have a job, has been with a lot of partners.
Andrew: I appreciate the honesty.
We bought drinks and crummy burgers. I had water.
(15 minutes pass)
Bubbles: Would you like to go to the park and walk?
Andrew: (trying to be polite) Ummm. Could we call it a day? I’d like to go home and listen to music.
(I didn’t mean it to come out as bad as it did. Well, that didn’t go over well.)
Bubbles: What? You don’t like me?!
Andrew: (We awkwardly sat there) It’s not you, it’s me. I’m crazy and anxious. It’s my anxiety that’s preventing me from going to the park. I just want to go home and listen to music.
Andrew: (lying) But we can get together again. Because I like you.
Andrew: Should I get the check?
Bubbles: (angry) That’d be wise.
(She was going out the front door. So I went out the back door. I figured I should get out of there as fast as I can.)
She comes around the corner and says:
Bubbles: What?! I don’t even get a goodbye?
(Starts crying) I really liked you. I don’t know what I did wrong. I tried to be nice. It reminded me of my ex-boyfriend breaking up with me.
Bubbles: I thought you were unlike other guys. I guess I was wrong.
I was kind of held prisoner there and had to listen to her cry and rant. I must have listened to her for AT LEAST 5 minutes. I gave her a hug a few times. I tried consoling her.
Then eventually I got out of there by telling her I’d text her. I said maybe we can even do something again. But I think it would be best for both if this is over.
_____
I get home, and within 5 minutes she texts me.
My mom and friend Electronic Ted tell me I was cruel and to reply. So I did. BIG MISTAKE!
She began stalking me. Calling and texting for the next few days, weeks, maybe even months. Threatening me, insulting me. Under new numbers when I blocked her. It was only 1 DATE!
_____
(I call my dad in the morning)
Andrew: I went on a date. My mom and friends told me I was mean to her. But I don't think I was. I think she was crazy.
Edward: It doesn't sound like you were as mean as you think. There were some red flags (meeting at a crummy bar, revealing she drinks a lot, having been with a lot of partners, etc.)
She didn’t understand that I wasn’t interested. She didn’t pick up on the kind hints that I wanted to leave. And wasn’t even giving me the option to leave.
Then she got all emotional and confronted me as we left. It was the first date and she was already all needy. And her expectations were ridiculous.
And even after we ended poorly, she STILL texted me. To which I replied because my mother felt guilty. Then she began stalking me.
My dad suggests – just moving on. And even though my mom had me send her some texts indicating I was interested, I’m going to slowly phase this out now.
_____
Fast forward three weeks. She’s not done stalking me.
Last night while I was trying to sleep, and was sleeping, some new number texted me that I’ve never seen before. Although I wanted it to be someone good (magical soulmate woman), I kind of knew it was someone stalking me from another number… and my suspicions were correct.
She kept calling and texting me from this new number. I guess hoping I’d answer/reply. However, I didn’t. In the last text she sent, she cursed at me. Called me a “dick.” So I blocked this number too.
_____
(To my Mom)
Andrew: Remember when I was ending the date, she walked around the building and confronted while I was leaving. Well, her hand was behind her back. Do you think she was thinking about macing me? Or could she have jabbed me with something (like a needle)? Or could I have gotten AIDS from her by hugging her? (She’s been with a lot of partners). I know the needle and AIDS thing is probably not true. Haha.
_____
On the date, foolishly I gave her my name.
Since she’s stalking me through the phone, the next logical step would be for her to show up at the house (please God don’t make that happen).
Yesterday, there was a piece of wood by the front door that looked like a head. And there was a big “X” on it.
I said to Papi (over the phone).
Andrew: I could be paranoid. But do you think she may have put that here?
Edward: if she was going to do something she would do it, she wouldn’t leave subtle clues like that for you.
The wood was probably a piece of the beach chair my mom and stepdad took to the beach.
Now, I’m kind of paranoid, although I know she didn’t, could she have done something (like rigged my car to explode haha). Again, I know I’m OCDing and being paranoid. But you never know.
_____
A few months pass, I never hear from her again. I guess she moved on to bigger and better things.
(to be continued)
Sixth part,
(Andrew's taking the Subway to see Dr. Natural in Brooklyn at Organic Hospital (the Hospital name is unrelated to Doctor).
Things are going fine, then all of a sudden the train map turns red. An announcement comes on the intercom that says: "due to a sick passenger everyone must get off at GHETTO New York and figure out what to do from there."
Andrew begins to have a panic attack. His heart starts racing.
Andrew: (turning to a woman on the subway) Excuse me, miss. Where is Organic Hospital from GHETTO New York?
Miss: (nasty) Leave me alone.
Andrew: (turns to someone else) Excuse me, sir. Where is Organic Hospital?
Sir: 10 blocks North. Plug it into your phone's GPS. It should guide you.
(Andrew's walking to the hospital, in a bad neighborhood, with his phone out like a tourist. He feels like a deer caught in headlights.)
Meanwhile, there's a pleasant woman with her baby and a sweet elderly woman nearby. He's making a mountain out of a molehill.
BUT THEN:
As he walks past a pharmacy, out front there is this homeless man asking for change.
The homeless man: Do you have any money?
(I guess Andrew looks frightened and vulnerable)
Andrew: I don’t have any money, sorry.
The homeless man (angry): ANY CHANGE?
(Andrew's passively looking away from him, trying to avoid interaction)
Andrew: No, I have nothing. I don't have a job.
The homeless man (imitating me, mockingly mumbles): “no, I have nothing.”
(Then he took his guitar or instrument, pointed at me like a gun, and started saying: “bang, bang, bang” really loudly… he was threatening to shoot me.)
I kept walking, trying to ignore him. It scared the hell out of me. He was saying things too, as I fastly walked away. but I tried to get out of there. I didn’t call the police or anything like that but maybe I should have.
Somehow, Andrew makes it to Dr. Natural's office ON TIME. Because he usually gets to the hospital an hour early and waits.
_____
(After explaining the drama to Dr. Natural)
Dr. Natural: Why do you call yourself "Cell Waters" on the internet, Andrew?
Andrew: The short answer is: my Dad says I'm like Roger Waters.
Dr. Natural: How so?
Andrew: I guess in The Wall concept album, Roger says that he was severely bullied at school, has an overbearing mother, was comfortably numb. I don't know. It's cheesy rock music.
Dr. Natural: What's the long answer?
Andrew: I needed to create a pseudonym for my crazy internet persona. And Waters comes from Roger Waters (obviously).
Dr. Natural: How about Cell?
Andrew: That's Dragon Ball Z. I just thought it sounds cool. In hindsight, I probably should have picked Goku Waters. Since I view myself as a hero (not a villain).
Dr. Natural: Why do you even need a pseudonym?
Andrew: Because I didn't want friends, family, employers to know about my secret identity.
Dr. Natural: Like a superhero.
Andrew: Yes, I'm like Spider-Man with my internet posts.
(Fast forward 5 minutes)
Dr. Natural: Tell me more about your Father, who you like to call Papi.
Andrew: When I was younger my dad would play music, like the Grateful Dead, Bruce Springsteen, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, etc…. and I hated it so much. It was torture to listen to.
Dr. Natural: That sounds awful.
Andrew: For some reason, my dad thought all the kids in school liked his generation's music, wow he was wrong.
Andrew: I believe Papi was cruel to me as a child because I'm not his biological son.
Dr. Natural: Then who is?
Andrew: Famous rockstar, the keyboard man, Matty Soul.
Dr. Natural: How could that even happen?
Andrew: I believe my Mom and Dad seduced him at a bar and kept it a secret from him and me.
Dr. Natural: I hate to break the bad news to you. But all evidence shows Papi is your biological father as disappointing as that may be.
Andrew: (not believing him) I know.
(Fast forward 5 minutes)
Andrew: (joking) I think I’m delusional since I believe in God.
Dr. Natural: Believing in God isn’t delusional!
Andrew: If I believed in the magical dinner biscuit in the sky, who watches over us – while satisfying our hunger – you'd think that was delusional. But is my dinner biscuit thing really more ridiculous? Think about it.
Dr. Natural: Your thought process does make sense. However, we are NOT flour, wheat, and sugar. We are flesh and bone. We can reason and communicate. A biscuit cannot.
(If I told my psychiatrist I believe in L Ron Hubbard and Scientology, he would likely be okay with it. But if I started passionately believing in the dinner biscuit in the sky, he would probably increase my medication.)
Andrew: (joking) I guess the point is I want to believe in the magical dinner biscuit in the sky, Darn it!
Andrew: But seriously, should people who believe in God or Scientology be forced to take psychiatric medication?
(to be continued)
Seventh part - Minado,
Mom: When you called and told me you were lost in GHETTO New York, I was probably panicking worse than you.
Mom: I was screaming at Dean (Step Dad), OH MY GOD!!!! ANDREW IS IN GHETTO NEW YORK. HE'S GOING TO GET HURT.
Andrew: I only had one small incident with a homeless man. I dove into the deep end and swam. And I make it to Dr. Natural safe and sound.
Mom: That's amazing. I couldn't do that.
Step Dad: We're so proud of you.
Mom: We decided to take you to Minado (an expensive sushi buffet).
_____
Minado is where my Mom, Step Dad, Dad (Papi), and I go for special occasions - like birthdays and surviving Brooklyn.
I'm not sure why my Dad comes along too. It's fun. But it's kind of weird he's celebrating alongside my Step Dad.
My parents are so embarrassing to be in public with.
My dad starts making Japanese jokes in a Japanese restaurant full of Asians.
My Dad would point at random Asian men and whisper to me, “look it’s Shinsuke Nakamura” (the professional wrestler). If the joke was funny the first time, by the millionth time it wasn’t. (and it wasn't funny the first time).
Nakamura is from Japan and he struggles with the English language.
I guess my Dad forgot where we were. Because he began imitating him. In a stereotypical Japanese accent, he was loudly saying things like, “I want to fight you” and “you a Shiba Inu”.
I was like “shhh. Stop it, Dad!”
There were Asian families right next to us, behind us, everywhere. Some likely heard. Needless to say, I was mortified.
Well, my Mom and Step Dad weren't much better. They don’t get out in public often. So when they do, they behave like social retards. They talk loudly about subjects like politics, they’ll say: “Donald Trump this, Donald Trump that”. (they're extremely conservative)
There was a liberal family behind us, talking negatively about Trump, and my parents wanted to start a verbal fight. Papi doesn't care about politics but is amused by chaos.
And I’m thinking: “shut the hell up”. It’s mortifying.
And my Mom acts like going to this Japanese restaurant is a cultural experience. To her, the food is so foreign and exotic, she thinks she’s learning Japanese culture.
Someone who’s been to Japan told me: the buffet is so American. It’s like an American restaurant simulating a Japanese restaurant.
However, I think the food and restaurant are more authentically Japanese than some people give it credit for. After all, there are usually a lot of Asian customers, and I assume some of these customers are likely Japanese. I think this means the food is at least somewhat authentic.
Regardless, I love going because the food is incredible. But today, I didn’t want to be there. I wasn’t in the mood. Not only have I been depressed and frustrated lately. I began to have a panic attack.
Everyone else was enjoying themselves. So there was little I could do.
The thought of waiting for everyone to finish their food, waiting for the check, waiting for them to pay the check, then waiting for the check to come back… all of that was so excruciatingly difficult.
I wanted to escape.
It felt like many people in the restaurant were looking at me like I was crazy. I know they likely weren’t. But I didn’t want to make eye contact with the people around me because of it. And that just made things worse.
Long story short, since we took two cars, I told my Mom that I wasn’t feeling well. I asked her if we could leave She said: yes.
Everyone was asking: what’s wrong? I said: I’m just not feeling well.
My Step Dad and Real Dad stayed, finished up, and paid the bill after we left.
Leaving the restaurant – it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt free.
The drive home was a relief.
In the car, My Mom said she felt somewhat similar. For example, she didn’t feel like being there and said the thought of waiting for everyone was overwhelming too.
So I guess it was a good thing we both left.
Arriving home was great, but it was back to the “routine.” Living in a fantasyland until the next Dr. Nature appointment. :(
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Eighth part,
I don’t think my Step Dad likes me. Then again, I've seen him get emotional about me. Maybe it's not black and white. But he certainly doesn't see my worth.
Just the other night, he was talking about Adam Sandler and Kevin James like they're geniuses.
Step Dad: I was blown away by the new Adam Sandler movie, Grown Ups 2. It's HILARIOUS.
Mom: (implying my comedy is rubbish) Yes. It's very funny. Come here, Andrew. Watch the movie with us. Maybe you can learn some material for your comedy.
Andrew: (I say) OK. Love you.
(WHAT I'M THINKING: dude, open your f****** eyes. They’re having this conversation with a comic genius on the couch next to them, which is me. Lol.)
My mom can’t see it, my stepdad can’t see it. They think I’m ridiculous when I say my art is GOLD, but it's so much better than Grown Ups 2. Maybe I’m delusional but I don’t think I am. It’s like the song "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" by The Beach Boys. No one can see it but me.
A few months prior,
Step Dad: I was watching a video on Neil Young. He’s a smart guy. He really likes creating music. He's an artistic genius.
This is probably what Neil Young said about himself on a YouTube video, Dean's parroting him. I can say I’m smart too. Look, I’m smart!, I'm a genius! Now repeat that, Dean.
But he'll never believe I'm on the same level as Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and Neil Young. To him, I'm a drain to the household.
_____
(Just got finished texting a woman)
Andrew: Hey Mom, I was chatting with this woman from NYC on Tinder. Where should I take her on a date? Maybe the Hard Rock Cafe?
Step Dad: Why don’t you take her to a soup kitchen.
Mom: That wasn't very nice, Dean.
Step Dad: I'm JOKING.
There’s truth to jokes, and he was basically calling me a loser who doesn't work.
And when I mentioned it to my mom, she didn't validate me and acted like I was being oversensitive.
Yesterday, my stepdad made a “joke” about my mom being fat. She was all upset. But I have no sympathy. She didn’t validate me when he “jokes” about me. So I don’t care. Good!
_____
Yesterday, I was watching the New York Islanders.
Step Dad (about a hockey player): He’s younger than you, and has more money than you’ll ever see.
Andrew: Yes, but he's a hockey player.
Step Dad: Don’t you want to be him?
Andrew: I don't want to play hockey for a living.
(WHAT I'M THINKING: I want to be myself, I'm proud of myself. Yes, I don't have much money. Yes, I'd like to be in PERFECT shape. But I'm a f******* diamond that's priceless, one of a kind. I glow like a rockstar. I was listening to that hockey player on the post-game interview and he sounds like an idiot. I’d rather be me than him.)
_____
Montage begins.
Parents are watching TV, I come upstairs and ask:
Andrew: Hey, mom. What's for dinner?
Mom: Chicken mar...
Step Dad interrupts by turning up the volume, annoyed he's being interrupted. (Very rude)
Flashes to another time,
Dean's at the backdoor which is right outside my bedroom.
Step Dad: (yelling at Kiley the dog like a lunatic) Go to the bathroom, go. Go. Go.
(I'm thinking that I'm in hell)
Flashes to another time,
Mom and Step-Dad whining, bitching, complaining, arguing. And I go into my inner fantasyland.
Flashes to another time,
They're watching the garbage TV show Kevin Can Wait.
I come upstairs.
Andrew: Mom, what are you cooking?
Mom: Spaghetti
Step Dad rewinds, then resumes the show - not even acknowledging my presence, annoyed I'm interrupting.)
Can't you see that my comedy is a billion times better than Kevin Can Wait? How can you not see? You should be giving ME attention, not Kevin James.
Montage ends.
_____
I want to prove my parents wrong. I want to show them that I'm not a loser, I'm a genius. I want them to SEE MY WORTH. I'm better than Adam Sandler and Kevin James. I'm the greatest artist EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
The same goes for people who compare me to Roger Waters, Syd Barrett, and Brian Wilson. You may THINK I'm crazy and doing something very small. I'll PROVE YOU ALL WRONG AND CREATE AN INTENSE MASTERPIECE.
Ninth part,
Mom: You've been very irritable and cranky, lately.
Andrew: (I WANT TO SAY) I haven't had a girlfriend in years, my social life is awful, I'm always home with you and Dean, and the environment is HELL ON EARTH. My frustrations make me want to SCREAM!
Andrew: (what I actually say) Sorry, Mom.
_____
At our house, they're doing construction to the downstairs bathroom. So we have three people sharing one bathroom. It's very difficult.
I wake out of bed and begin my morning constitutional. It's going well. I had a phone conversation with Papi. I'm making some wrestling related tweets (on my phone).
Then the drama begins,
(Mom wakes up and knocks on the bathroom door)
Mom: Are you almost done in there?
Andrew: (I WANT TO SAY) yo mama, give me some privacy so I can tweet about wrestling. (lol)
Andrew: (what I actually say) No, I'm going to be a few minutes.
Step Dad: Hurry up, your mom needs to go.
Andrew: (getting agitated) Ok, ok.
Mom: (3 minutes later, banging on the bathroom door) Hurry up!
Mom: (2 minutes later, SCREAMING) Come on, Andrew!!!!!!
I rush, then let my mom use it since I'm a second class citizen in this household.
My experience is ruined.
Living in my parent's house, I don't even have privacy to use the bathroom.
_____
Step Dad: I was looking at your car. Did you know the "check engine light" is on?
Andrew: Yes, it's been on for months.
Step Dad: And you don't care?
Andrew: I'm too lazy to take it over to the auto shop.
Step Dad: You need to get your car checked, TODAY.
Andrew: (Laughing) Fine. I need new wiper blades and washer fluid too.
Step Dad: I'll call over there, I'm good friends with Macho Mr. Auto. He gives me good prices.
(Drives to the auto shop. The guy behind the counter is a stereotypical tough guy - kind of like a bully. I'm like a deer caught in headlights when handling adult responsibilities. And Macho Mr. Auto doesn't understand my uniqueness)
Macho Mr. Auto: Hello. Your Step Dad called and said you were bringing your car over to be looked at?
Andrew: (Anxiously laughing) Yes. Here I am.
Macho Mr. Auto: What type of car do you drive?
Andrew: (I WANT TO SAY) I don't know. I'm a man child and my Mom and Step Dad worry about that.
Andrew: (what I actually say) Umm... I'm not sure, sir.
Macho Mr. Auto: (looking at me like I'm a freak) You don't know the kind of car you drive?
Andrew: (uncomfortably laughing) That's what I said!
Macho Mr. Auto: What do you work as?
Andrew: (I WANT TO SAY) I don't work... I'm ashamed and embarrassed about this... HAPPY YOU ASKED?!
Andrew: (what I actually say) Umm...I work at a supermarket at the moment.
(Macho Mr. Auto rolls his eyes.)
Macho Mr. Auto: Take a seat in the waiting room. We'll get to you as soon as we can.
I sit in there, staring at the local news. The same stories repeat again, and again, and again! The content is just so uninteresting. I play on my phone. Facebook, Twitter, then Instagram (repeat, and repeat, and repeat). It’s so frustratingly boring!
There was an overweight woman chewing her gum loudly, she was ocd texting people. She tried chatting with me about the weather. I was kind of friendly, but she was also giving me a panic attack. I wanted to hide.
The clock on the wall was incorrect, not the traditional daylight savings time off by one hour… It’s off by 3 hours?! How does that even happen?!
An hour wait seemed like ten years. Finally, I was summoned to the desk and my car was ready.
Macho Mr. Auto: So there was a nail in your tire, you needed new wiper blades and washer fluid.
Andrew: (Incredibly anxious) Great!
Macho Mr. Auto: (clearly overcharging) That'll be 500 dollars.
Andrew: (very uncomfortable) I don't have the money. I only have a debit card. And there's 40 dollars in the account.
Macho Mr. Auto: Sooo...
Andrew: Let's call my Step Dad!
Macho Mr. Auto (calls the house and my Step Dad doesn't answer.)
Andrew: I'm so sorry.
Macho Mr. Auto: I'm not socialist like Bernie Sanders over here, I don't work for free.
Andrew: Please try calling again.
Macho Mr. Auto (calls again, it rings, and rings, and rings)
Andrew: (Prays to God that Dean answers. And thankfully he does.)
Macho Mr. Auto: (Over the phone) Hello, Dean. We replaced Andrew's wiper blades, washer fluid, and there was a nail in his tire. So we had to give him a new tire. That'll be $500 (CLEARLY ripping Dean off).
Step Dad: Gives his credit card and pays.
(when I get home)
Step Dad: Isn't Macho Mr. Auto a nice guy?
Andrew: (I WANT TO SAY) Whatever you say, man.
Andrew: (what I actually say) Yes, he's very nice.
Mom: (to Dean) Isn't 500 dollars a bit overpriced?
Step Dad: No, he's my friend. That's how much they charge in this economy.
(to be continued)
Tenth part,
Comedic Screenplay - Tenth Part:
(At an appointment with Dr. Natural)
Andrew: I can't stand living at home. My stepdad is always yelling, my mom is miserable, and I rarely leave my bedroom. It's like being in North Korea.
Dr. Natural: It doesn't sound pleasant. But that's an extreme example. North Korea is a very bad place.
Andrew:: So is my home environment.
Dr. Natural: No... it's not. You aren't afraid for your life.
Andrew: You're right. My home environment IS better than in North Korea. I was being kind of joking. But it does suck.
Dr. Natural: What are you going to do to get independence and freedom from "North Korea"?
Andrew: (joking but serious) I'm going to make crazy videos and writings on the internet. I'll make them so sensational and loud that I will get discovered.
Dr. Natural: To think you're going to get rich and famous from posts online... I mean, technically it could happen. But it's delusional. If you want to get freedom, you need to work in the real world. Go to recovery groups. Get a job.
Andrew: (I WANT TO SAY) You don't understand, doctor. The popstar Samantha Mint knows who I am. She's been following me for years. She's just waiting for me to get well before we begin making the movie.
Andrew: (what I actually say) You're right, doctor. I'll start doing real-world activities.
Andrew: (joking) I've been waiting for a decade. When are pop superstars and companies like Disney going to find me for my art?
Dr. Natural: I hate to tell you bad news, but it's not happening. Pineapples will fall from the sky first.
Next scene,
(I'm going with Papi on the weekend, and I bring my camera)
Andrew: What should we do today, Papi?
Edward: Let's go to the shopping mall, to get lunch at the food court, and take pictures and videos
(montage begins)
We do a comedic video in the parking lot. - Papi and The Wildman.
Then we take a photo in front of mannequins at a clothing store.
Then a photo by Deadpool (superhero) at a toy store.
Then a photo in front of a popcorn stand.
Then a photo on a bench.
Then a photo in front of Starbucks sign.
We make a video where I'm shouting about clothes.
Overall, we take 35 photos and videos. Papi is only in 1 video. And we only buy 7 dollar food at the food court. THAT'S IT.
(montage ends)
(Mall security approaches)
Mall Security Guard: Excuse me. You can't take pictures in the mall. You have to put away your camera.
(we listen and walk away)
Edward: (to me) We're doing nothing wrong. But Paul Blart, mall cop, gets on a power trip and bullies through his position of power.
Andrew: (not really agreeing) You're right, Dad
As we're leaving the mall we see a mother taking a photo of her two small children with her cell phone.
Edward: ...and it's ok for her to take photos but not us?
Andrew: (not really agreeing) You're right, it's ridiculous. Why is a mother allowed to take pictures of children? We should tell Paul Blart to kick her out of the mall too.
(To Be Continued)
Eleventh part,
(At an appointment with Dr. Natural).
Andrew: Sunday is Easter. I usually go to my Grandmother on my Father's side of house in the morning. But I hate going.
Dr. Natural: A lot of people hate going to relative's.
Me: You don't understand. The whole thing is a farce. I barely know my Grandmother and anyone in that family. We only see each other on holidays. No one likes each other. They're all fighting.
Dr. Natural: Even your Dad?
Andrew: He's taking a million pictures the entire time. And he lives a double life. He keeps most of his life secret from me. In fact, many relatives have died and he never even told me.
Dr. Natural: Wow, that's horrible.
Andrew: Papi will often sing the professional wrestler Edge's theme song incorrectly and say "You don't know me". And this makes me angry. I share everything with him. And he tells me close to nothing. Maybe it's predicate logic, but I feel like he's mocking me that I don't know about his life.
Dr. Natural: Then don't see him.
Andrew: My dad makes it very uncomfortable if you try to weasel your way out of going. And my mother says we need him for his money and tells me to "just go". She says it's "free food" and my grandmother "makes good Perogies". But it's all narrative. She's in her 90's and barely cooks anymore.
(montage begins)
My mom saying "Just go. Your grandmother makes good Perogies" a million times throughout the week.
When we're in the car - "Just go. Your grandmother makes good Perogies".
When we're at the supermarket - "Just go. Your grandmother makes good Perogies".
When we're walking at the beach - "Just go. Your grandmother makes good Perogies".
At dinner - "Just go. Your grandmother makes good Perogies".
And so on, and so on,
I finally SCREAM: OK I'LL GO!!!!!!
(montage ends)
(back to the Dr. Natural appointment)
Andrew: I'm not sure why my mom wants me to go so much. But it's Catholic hypocrisy. My Grandmother has never been involved in my life, has never given me much money. But she goes to church every Sunday.
I don't know my Grandma and don't even want to go to her funeral.
Dr. Natural: I don't even know what to say...
Andrew: Yeah, it's awful.
And there're relatives I barely know. Some of them I don’t even know how they are related to me. Seriously, I have NO CLUE.
Andrew: They don’t know who I am either, every year I’m called by the wrong name.
And they ask me the most uncomfortable questions. For example, when I was 23 years old and never had a girlfriend. They'd ask about my dating life. And I'd get so uncomfortable. And EVERY SINGLE YEAR I would be forced to say, no I've never had one.
But they don’t stop there, then they say things like: you’re so good looking… the girls are probably all over you. I would have to explain, I’m focusing on my academics… but a girl will come.
Andrew: (half serious) It was great when I FINALLY got to say: I HAVE a girlfriend, I was SO proud
Dr. Natural: That must've been a very proud moment.
Andrew: Oh, it was... but now they ask "where are you working?" And that makes me uncomfortable. They keep pressing and pressing. I don’t know what to say. I usually try to dodge the question.
Sometimes I’ll say something like “marketing” hoping the subject will drop. But they’ll continue to question me, pressing for information. I’ll have no clue how to answer the questions, and my story falls apart.
(montage begins)
I see Uncle Mathew approaching (whom I haven’t seen in years). I try to run away, but our eyes lock and I have no choice but to talk with him.
Uncle Mathew: Andrew! Long time, no see.
Andrew: Nice to see you, Uncle Mathew. So what have you been up to?
Uncle Mathew: Work, you know you that is (laughing)… So where have you been working?
Andrew: I just graduated from college, and I work in Marketing.
Uncle Mathew: What’s the name of the company you work for?
Andrew: (thinking quickly) 1800 Flowers?
Uncle Mathew: What exactly do you do?
Andrew: (feeling pained) Uhhhh. Answer phones, social media, market products, things like that
Uncle Mathew: What town is it in?
Andrew: Umm, the city?
Uncle Mathew: Where in the city?
Andrew: New York City…
Uncle Mathew: Do you know Jacob Richardson? He works in the Midtown Manhatten office.
Andrew: I mean, Long Island City
Uncle Mathew: So you don’t work in Manhatten?
Andrew: No…
Uncle Mathew (becomes confused): Do you even work in Marketing?
Andrew: No…
And I walk away with my head down, embarrassed and ashamed.
(montage ends)
Andrew: As you can see Dr. Natural, I don't want to go.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) - Twelfth Part - Mint
(I'm taking the subway to Organic Hospital in Brooklyn, and this homeless man begins harassing me)
Homeless Man: (freaking out) You don't belong here. THIS IS BROOKLYN!!!!
Andrew: (getting scared) Ummm... Excuse me?
Homeless Man: (freaking out even worse, screaming, most definitely on drugs) GET OUT OF HERE. Armageddon is arriving.
Andrew: (turns to the woman next to me) Let's get off this car before "Armageddon arrives".
Woman: Agreed!
(All the passengers move to the next subway car, including myself. And the police arrive.)
Mr. Power Trip Police Officer: Excuse me. What's your name?
Andrew: I'm Andrew.
Mr. Power Trip Police Officer: Are you the person causing a disturbance on the subway?
Andrew: (passive and backing down) Well, unless I'm Nostradamus, I don't think I am.
Mr. Power Trip Police Officer: Come with me, Andrew... you're under arrest.
(I begin hysterically crying sitting in a police car in Brooklyn,)
Mr. Power Trip Police Officer: Nevermind. A woman told me you're not to blame. We've arrested the correct person. You're free to go.
Andrew: Thank you officer, but my day is ruined.
I begin my walk, and I make it to Organic Hospital safely.
____
Andrew: Hello, Dr. Natural.
Dr. Natural: Hello, Andrew. You seem upset. What's the matter?
Andrew: A Homeless Man was harassing me on the subway, then this police officer was arresting me. Why does it seem like crazy people always target and focus on me?
Dr. Natural: Perhaps it's your anxiety? You need to be tough.
Andrew: I'm like a deer caught in headlights.
____
(fast forward 5 minutes)
Dr. Natural: Let's talk about a lighter subject.
Andrew: I agree. I've had enough of the negativity.
Remember Samantha Mint, the pop artist that I believe knows me?
Dr. Natural: Yes I do, Andrew. This is a fantasy.
Andrew: She has a countdown clock on her website, it's counting down to Easter.
Dr. Natural: What's it counting down to?
Andrew: Fans are NOT supposed to know. But it's a new album. It was leaked on the dark web.
Dr. Natural: I remember the days of new rock albums. I'm excited for you. What's it about?
Andrew: In her previous album she claimed to have died, by saying: "the old mint has been digested."
Dr. Natural: Sounds silly and pretentious.
Andrew: It is. But her Mint-Heads, which are her fans, love it. I'm a HUGE Mint-Head. I have all her albums. I also have 3 t-shirts.
Dr. Natural: Maybe I'll try becoming a Mint-Head, I'll listen to the album and analyze why you like it.
Andrew: Some things are just fun and there is no psychological reason behind it.
In the leaked album, she's claiming to have risen from the dead. Basically, she says she's like Jesus.
Dr. Natural: Although I don't believe in God, I'm offended because of what an arrogant delusion of grandeur that is.
Andrew: (laughing) Yeah. It's great. And the more absurd she gets, the more her fans love it. She's also changing her stage name from Samantha Mint, to simply Mint. She says it's more marketable.
____
Dr. Natural: You believe Mint knows who you are. Tell me more about that.
Andrew: I know this sounds crazy, but a decade ago, I was posting on a music internet forum. Talented musicians post there.
Dr. Natural: What's a forum?
Andrew: A community of internet posters. Many of them are anonymous, hiding under an internet name. There're a lot of discussions going on there.
Dr. Natural: Interesting. Tell me more.
Andrew: On the forum, I was creating these songs that sounded like an elementary school kid wrote them. They were somewhat comical. Also on the forum, I'd go on mentally ill rants - some comedic, some depressed. About bullying, depression. I'd trash pop stars like Mint - saying they don't know what it's like to struggle in life. They've had it easy.
Dr. Natural: Let me guess... you believe Mint was one of the posters on the forum.
Andrew: Exactly. I commanded attention on the forum. I really stood out, had everyone talking about me. I was like the elephant in the room. And I believe Mint began following me on the sly.
Andrew: Many years later, when I was sounding sick on social media, someone posted an image of Mint saying "Are you ok?". I believe it's her. I believe she knows me.
Dr. Natural: That's predicate logic. That's why the internet is a scary place for people with your condition. You can be duped into thinking anyone is Mint.
Andrew: (joking) Even if Mint does know who I am, I can't date her anyway. I've discovered she's 5'11. I'm only 5'9. A man can't date someone who is 2 inches taller
Dr. Natural: (laughing) That's absurd! But the reason you can't date her is that IT'S A DELUSION!!!!
____
Dr. Natural: I've recommended books and documentaries to you, but I know you don't read or watch them. So I'm going to suggest a rock song since you like comparing yourself to rock musicians.
Andrew: Right! Papi says I'm like Roger Waters (from the band Pink Floyd).
Dr. Natural: Papi?
Andrew: My Dad, Edward. I don't believe he's my biological Father. I believe the keyboard man, Matty Soul, is. Remember?
Dr. Natural: (laughing) Of course I remember. How could I forget something so absurd? Just checking to see where your mind's at.
Andrew: (laughing) Good. That's what my Mom is paying you the big bucks for - so you don't forget about Matty Soul.
Dr. Natural: I have to find ways to reach you. So I'm going to suggest rock music. You're like Be Good Johnny by Men At Work. You listen to your parents, teachers, obeying every golden rule, but you don't want to work or go to recovery groups. All you want to do is live in a daydream, to escape the screaming, real-world bullies, parents. You're a daydreamer.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) - Thirteenth Part - New Doctor:
(Andrew's at home in the hellish home environment, sitting in his "prison cell" of a room, playing on the computer. Meanwhile, Dean (Step-Dad) is screaming like a lunatic at our dog Kiley to "go potty" at the backdoor (right outside my bedroom)
Andrew: (e-mailing Dr. Natural from my room) Dean is so disrespectful to me. But God forbid I verbalize it. I get yelled at.
(Fast forward two minutes)
(I'm eating chips in the kitchen. And Dean practically walks into me to get the dog treats. Didn't say even excuse me. Just treated me like I wasn't even there.)
Andrew: (sends another e-mail to Dr. Natural) Dean is so miserable, he's always yelling at the dog. I can't wait to have my own place away from him. I'm so intimidated by Dean. But I need to stop submitting to him. It's so bad for my mental health. I need to assert myself. He doesn't respect me. Didn't care if I died from running years ago. Views me with animosity now.
Since getting Kiley, I seriously ask God to give Dean a heart attack. Not that him dying would solve my problems, but my mental health would certainly improve. He's such a bad person.
_____
(walks into the kitchen and begins chatting with my Mom)
Andrew: (randomly) I need to assert myself to Dean. Not just submit like a beaten dog (Kiley).
Mom: What the hell are you talking about, psycho?
Andrew: Dean intimidates me. And he gets no pleasure from this adorable animal. I've never seen someone be so miserable by a cute puppy.
Mom: If you don't like it here, leave. Oh, you can't. You have no money. And we give you everything.
Andrew: I've been walking on eggshells for too long, afraid to rock the boat and make a mess (Katy Perry lyric). But when someone constantly disrespects you and doesn't care if you die, why should you care about them? I need to stop letting him bully me. I need to assert myself.
Mom: We'll call the cops. You're nuts. Dean is a tired old man.
Dean: (comes downstairs, SCREAMING LIKE A psycho) IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT HERE, LEAVE!!!!! I'M THE ADULT!!!!!!
(I take a loaf of bread and throw it at him)
Mom: (freaking out) Oh my God, Andrew almost injured you.
Andrew: With a loaf of bread?!
Mom: Call the cops.
Dean: I will not stand for this.
Mom: (After calming Dean down) God help us, you need to go to the hospital
(After calming down some more, we decide I need to see a psychiatrist to medicate me, not just Dr. Natural and CBT psychiatry. Simply talking isn't helping enough.)
____
(fast forward to tomorrow. I drive with my Mom and Papi to an emergency psychiatry appointment).
Papi, my Mom, and I are laughing, joking around. It's almost a fun experience so far.
(we're alone in the waiting room)
I cracked open a seltzer water.
Mom: It sounds like you're opening a beer.
Andrew: I wonder if anyone has ever opened a beer in the psychiatrist's waiting room.
(Everyone starts laughing.)
Andrew: I should ask the psychiatrist that question (I didn’t, I was joking).
Papi (Edward): Although it seems ridiculous because you’re going there to get well, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone has “opened a beer” because some of the people we see in the waiting room are downright comical.
The appointment ahead of us went to her car for a moment, but she just re-entered the office. We're no longer alone. The waiting room game is quite interesting. It’s like you’re talking normally (with my parents), then someone walks in. And it’s like you start behaving professionally and appropriately.
The Waiting Room Woman was making me uncomfortable and anxious.
Well, I had all these papers. Very disorganized.
Andrew: (to Papi) Wouldn’t it be great if they made a pocketbook for men?
Waiting Room Woman: (began talking to us, laughing) What are you talking about?!
Andrew: I have all these papers and I don’t know what to do with them.
I guess they have those European satchels. But they’re not socially acceptable.
Waiting Room Woman: You could get a fanny pack.
Andrew: They’re only really useful if you go someplace like an amusement park or water park (splish splash).
Then we had a discussion about splish splash, storing things in lockers there.
Then she went in for her appointment.
Papi: that’s all you have to do Andrew. People are people. You just talk to them. Don’t be anxious or intimidated.
(She was a middle-aged mother. It's not like I was chatting with some attractive young woman.
But I see his point. It doesn’t matter if it’s a middle-aged woman, or an attractive young woman, or anyone. Just talk, be yourself.)
(We've been waiting 45 minutes for the appointment)
____
Now there is an overweight woman chewing her gum loudly and ocd texting people, in between making some calls. Many people didn’t answer – the unfortunate people who did were getting an earful of her dysfunctional life.
We were sitting there, giving each other looks. Hoping she’d sit there silently, needless to say, she didn’t. It was SO RUDE.
____
(The psychiatrist is running EXTREMELY late, we've been waiting an hour and a half for the appointment. More patients come in)
There was a man who was too anxious to wait in the waiting room, he had to wait outside the building (in the parking lot). The doctor knew about this arrangement. And got him when it was appointment time.
There was another man who brought his therapy dog with him. I guess for depression. Although this one was fun, we got to see a doggie. :)
Papi comically makes fun of the people in the waiting room when they don’t notice. He calls some of them “freaks”.
Although I sometimes laugh, I guess it’s comical that at 31 years old I’m going to a psychiatry appointment with my Mom and Dad (who are divorced).
I was reading some of my tame internet posts in the waiting room. My Dad said something about not throwing stones at glass houses. I’m not sure what he meant, but maybe he meant don’t laugh at the other people in the waiting room. Because they could laugh at you.
After waiting THREE HOURS, the doctor comes to get us. It's appointment time.
____
The moment you're summoned from the hellish waiting room into the office, a light shines. It's like you've entered paradise. But it's really a messy and disorganized office.
Dr. Stephen Strange: Hello, I'm Dr. Stephen Strange.
Papi (Edward): The Marvel super-hero?
Dr. Stephen Strange: A lot of people ask that, no relation. And this is my birth name.
(He's an overweight, middle-aged, Italian man - definitely no super-hero)
(My Mom begins giving Dr. Strange a summary of my CONDITION. Papi is clueless and doesn't know anything about me. He's just there to provide the check.)
Dr. Stephen Strange: Normally, I'd prescribe a frontal lobotomy for patients like Andrew. But since he has a good support system, I'll only prescribe a mega regimen of meds. Some of which are Invega and Clozaril.
Papi: Thank you, Dr. Strange. Did you go to the University of Kamar-Taj?
Dr. Stephen Strange (unaware): No, Harvard, actually.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Fourteenth Part – The Swell BoyZ:
(Today, I arrive safely at Organic Hospital in Brooklyn. It was raining and since I walk from the subway, I'm soaked. But no danger.
I walk into Dr. Richard Natural's office. The appointment begins.)
Andrew: Hello Dr. Natural, I'm now seeing a psychiatrist, Dr. Stephen Strange in Manhattan since I freaked out on my step-dad. He's heavily medicating me.
Dr. Natural: Oh yes, Dr. Strange, I'm familiar with him. He's very good.
Andrew: He wants you to give him a call to discuss my condition.
Dr. Natural: Ok. If you sign a release I shall.
Andrew: Have you seen the Marvel superhero movie, Dr. Strange (since my new psychiatrist coincidently shares the same name).
Dr. Natural: I prefer boring and dry educational documentaries over sensational, mass appealing, Hollywood movies... but yes, I have.
Andrew: It's ironic. In the movie, when modern medicine fails Dr. Strange, he's saved by natural wizardry.
Dr. Natural: Maybe I'll train him to be the NEXT Dr. Natural.
Andrew: Right. Organic Hospital will be like Kamar-Taj.
Andrew: Is Richard Nature your birth name?
Dr. Natural: Actually, it was Richard Swagger. But I changed my name when I discovered how powerful Natural can be.
Andrew: Do you watch pro wrestling?
Dr. Natural: What's pro wrestling?
Andrew: Nevermind...
____
(fast forward 10 minutes)
Andrew: As you know, I have no social life.
Dr. Natural: If I understand this correctly, you haven't interacted with any peer your age in over a year. Male or female.
Andrew: This is correct, Dr. Natural.
Some fair weathered childhood friends called me to go out. I guess they're single again. But they're also seeing me out of pity.
Their names are Saul Lipton and Johnathan Foggy (but we call him "Foggy").
They picked me up at my parent's house (since I'm too anxious to drive my own car), and took me to a sports bar (Miller's Ale House).
They bought chicken wings and beer from the bar. I bought a burger and water. They were chatting about the hockey game, checking out ladies.
It was like The Beach Boys song, "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times". I felt depressed, socially alienated, disconnected, and too advanced.
I kept looking and them, and I felt funny. I didn't want them to think that I'm gay for them. I wanted them to think I was like them. It's was like my wounds were exposed for all to see. Very frustrating.
While they were having fun, I was like the Edvard Munch painting, "The Scream".
(Montage of the night beings)
Foggy: Guys, I go to the gym every day.
Saul: Right now I'm bench pressing 400 lbs. Do you exercise, Andrew?
Andrew: I run for an hour on my mom's treadmill in the garage.
Saul: That's why you're single. Ladies like big, macho guys. Not petite, skinny men.
Foggy: You gotta lift, bro.
____
Andrew: Did you hear Mint's new album?
Saul: The pop diva?
Andrew: Yeah, she's claiming to be like Jesus.
Saul: Bro, I don't listen to that girly, lame stuff. I only listen to intense metal music. Have you ever heard of Scream Satan? They're sick, bro.
Andrew: I haven't.
____
Foggy: Guys guys, seriously guys, check out that babe over there. I'm gonna talk to her.
Saul: Do it, bro.
Foggy: (to a cute woman at the bar) Do you like fanny packs?
(they have a long conversation. And Foggy gives the cute woman his phone number)
Foggy: That’s all you have to do, Andrew. People are people. You just talk to them.
____
Saul: Yo bro, get me another beer. I'm gonna shotgun this "bad boy".
____
Saul: I had 27 beers. Foggy, you only had 5. Are you good to drive?
Foggy: Yes. I am, bro.
Andrew: (shocked) Are you drinking and driving?
Saul: (duping me since I'm naive and gullible) No man, I never drive drunk.
Foggy: Yeah guys, drunk driving is bad.
Saul: (laughing) Remember that one time I drove drunk? I was so paranoid.
Foggy (laughs)
(They drive me home)
(Montage ends)
____
(Back to Dr. Natural appointment.)
Dr. Natural: The bullying in middle and high school is what damaged your life. It caused you to be anxious and agoraphobic. And you're afraid to leave your home and bedroom.
Andrew: You're definitely right, Dr. Natural. That's why my mom pays you the big bucks.
Dr. Natural: (joking with me) That's why they call me Big Money Richard Natural.
Andrew: This home environment is making me VERY SICK. The two and a half years spent in my bedroom have definitely caused illness in my brain and not just a mental illness. I'm pretty certain I don't have much life left, I'm life-threateningly ill and this will be diagnosed soon.
Dr. Natural: What do you mean?
Andrew: They say social isolation is worse than smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. I've been isolated for years. I'm gonna get brain cancer or a brain aneurysm.
Dr. Natural: That sounds like hypochondria. You were bullied. And now even your body is bullying you.
Andrew: For causing me to waste over a decade, the middle and high school bullies should be put in prison.
Dr. Natural: They SHOULD. But there is nothing you can do. Let it go.
Andrew: And if I die from brain cancer, they should be charged with murder.
Dr. Natural: They really hurt you, but that might be going a bit too far.
Andrew: (laughing) You're probably right, doctor... Only involuntary manslaughter then.
(we both hysterically laugh since I'm being silly)
____
Andrew: Have you seen those hoarders of garbage and the 500-pound people on TV. I think to myself, how did they get to that point? It's disturbing and absurd. Their family enables the dysfunction. In many ways, I'm the same way. A decade ago I had so much promise and potential. Now I'm like a 500-pound man who sleeps all day.
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Fifteenth Part – Black Sports Car Chase
(After years of absence, Andrew begins hanging out with childhood "friends" Saul Lipton and Johnathan Foggy again - they call themselves The Swell BoyZ)
Foggy: Guys, we need to pick up some beer from Stop & Shop (supermarket).
Saul picks up a 24 pack and walks out the front door without paying.
Andrew: (shocked) Are you stealing?
Saul: (duping me since I'm naive and gullible) No, I paid already.
(But Saul was lying - he WAS stealing)
Foggy: Oh my God, we have to get out of here FAST.
They speed away in their car doing 80 mph.
(We go to a church parking lot and begin drinking)
Saul: Yo bro, one time when I was really drunk I got on my knees and began praying to The Moon God.
Andrew: What's The Moon God?
Saul: I don't know. It was a full moon. And there's a Catholic church right there. It seemed like the thing to do.
Foggy: We should pray to The Moon God right now.
(All three of us get on our knees and begin to pray)
Saul: Dear Moon God, make this beer give us super-power to get some babes and ladies.
Foggy: Oh yeah, bro.
(montage begins)
Andrew: Hey, Dr. Natural. I have friends now.
Dr. Natural: I'm happy for you, Andrew.
(montage ends)
(Foggy and Saul are talking on a cell phone)
Saul: Come on, Andrew. Get in the car. We're gonna go for a ride.
Me: Didn't you just have 15 beers?
Foggy: Nah, that was 20 minutes ago. They're out of our systems by now.
A Black Sports car starts aggressively riding Saul’s bumper. At first, we assumed it was just an aggressive driver, so we tried to lose him. But he kept following us. We tried driving in a circle, tried to lose him, but he kept following. Eventually, the car took off.
Then we went to Saul's house, which was our original plan. Saul’s cousin stopped over for a few minutes (whom I knew, but never see since he lives out of state), then his cousin left a few minutes later (which was not usual).
A little bit later we left too. I figured we wouldn’t see the car again. Well, as we were leaving the Black Sports Car was back, it was following us AGAIN. His lights were bright so we couldn’t see who it was, or the license plate. I screamed, "there it is, there's the Black Sports Car". We got behind him, and we were chasing him all over the home town. We were going 40 mph down 30 mph blocks. He pulled into a driveway, but Saul missed his chance to trap him. Then he got behind us, Saul and Foggy were like, "oh my God… what should we do?" I said, "get behind him again", so they pulled over and did. The chase lasted about 5 minutes, and then we made it to a major road. The Black Sports Car took off speeding going about 80 mph.
By this point, it was late at night (like 1- 2 in the morning). We went back to Saul’s house. They wanted to drink but I said, no. How could we drink after what happened? This annoyed Foggy, but I thought this was serious. I started saying how someone clearly wanted to get me, but I had no idea who would want to. I was scared.
We began walking towards my house, discussing what just happened.
At first, I thought it was this classy guy I went to High School with who was getting vengeance since we prank called his house.
Saul was saying it wasn't the High School friend. The guy from tonight had a “drug dealer type car” and behaved like an assassin or someone from the streets, this guy isn’t like that.
Then I started speculating at that point that it might be the old, crazy guy in the maintenance department from the supermarket, Alex Ayce.
Andrew: It COULD be Alex.
Foggy: no, it’s not.
Saul: It COULD be. You’re so gullible, Foggy. You don't understand how dangerous Alex Ayce is.
Andrew: (unaware I said) yeah you’re so gullible. Alex Ayce IS dangerous.
This annoyed Foggy and Saul found it funny.
But we agreed it probably wasn’t Alex Ayce since he rode his bike to work. But we pondered: WHO was after me?!
We finally made it back to my house, which isn’t a far walk. I was about to go inside and to sleep, but then I heard a noise out front.
Saul: It sounds like someone is there.
I was scared and had Saul look, but he didn’t see anyone. This freaked me out. I thought someone was going to break in and assassinate me. I said: I’m going to wake up my mom and have her call the police. They were like, no, no don’t. But I did anyway. I was hysterical telling my mom about the car chase, about how it sounds like someone is out back, and how we need to call the police NOW. My mom didn’t take me seriously, she was mad that I woke her up.
She made me come inside, and say goodbye to Saul and Foggy (after talking with them for a few minutes). She said how it sounds like they were messing with me. I didn’t want to completely believe her because I wanted to think it was someone.
The next day Saul and Foggy tried to keep it going by saying things like “remember the chase”, but by that point, I was on to them. They eventually admitted to me they were indeed messing with me, and it was Saul’s cousin in the car. I told my mom, she didn’t find it funny. She said, someone could have gotten hurt. Plus she was inconvenienced twice. I forgave them, but it was quite an ordeal.
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Sixteenth Part – My Parents:
(Talking to Dr. Natural at Organic Hospital in Brooklyn)
Andrew: My Step-Dad's retired Army.
Dr. Natural: I'm aware of this. Dean told me at the family meeting.
Andrew: Papi came over my Mom and Step Dad's house for New Year's Eve, and we were talking about Marvel superheroes. I brought up Erik Killmonger from Black Panther. He found this amusing.
Dr. Natural: How come?
Andrew: Because Killmonger is a Marine with lots of confirmed kills.
Then Papi joked it's "like Vietnam." He was referring to a TV commercial for a Vietnam documentary. It might be predicate logic. But I think he was saying living with my Mom and Step Dad is like living as a Vietnam prisoner.
Dr. Natural: Yes. That's predicate logic. Very good recognizing that... And why Vietnam specifically? Why not a North Korean prisoner?
Andrew: Ok, fine, I'm like a North Korean prisoner.
Dr. Natural: (laughing) Noooo. You're not like a North Korean prisoner either. You're not afraid for your life.
Andrew: (joking) Well, I'm always worrying that my social isolation will cause cancer. So yes, I am.
Dr. Natural: That's hypochondria. You're not being bullied by a dictator.
Andrew: My Step Dad is like a dictator. He's so controlling.
(montage begins)
He doesn't like me walking upstairs with my sneakers on since that's where his bedroom is.
Step Dad: Andrew, take your sneakers off.
(it's like walking on eggshells)
He has the most OCD way of preparing the dog's dinner. Soaking her nuggets in water, heating it up, then mixing in wet food, then feeding her on the floor (no dish). And he gets angry if I don't do it correctly.
He always makes me warm up my car, even on 100 degree days.
(montage ends)
Me: As you can see, he's a real dictator.
(fast forward 10 minutes)
Andrew: My Step-Dad's always watching Murder porn.
Dr. Natural: WHAT THE HELL IS MURDER PORN?!
Andrew: (reading from my cell phone) According to Urban Dictionary, it's a "Crime shows that depict real events, usually homicides. Especially popular with middle-aged married people." Like Forensic Files, Cops, Americas Most Wanted.
Dr. Natural: Oh my God! That's much different than what I was imagining. I thought he was watching Snuff Films for a second
Andrew: (laughing) No, that's absurd.
(fast forward 5 minutes)
Andrew: Maybe my Mom is keeping it secret from me how dangerous my Step Dad is. Maybe he wasn't just army, maybe he was a Marine like Killmonger.
Dr. Natural: There's no evidence of this.
Andrew: It's ironic, my mom hides the knives from me but my Step-Dad knows EXACTLY where they are. I'm a harmless soy boy, who is afraid of his own shadow, whose biggest worry is taking the perfect selfie. My Step Dad is a dangerous and hardened ex-marine.
Dr. Natural: He's NOT an ex-marine and even ex-marine aren't murderous monsters.
(fast forward to later in the appointment)
Andrew: I've had minimal sexual fun throughout my life, and the sex I did have was very conservative. I feel like I missed out on young love and young lust.
Dr. Natural: That's very sad. But you can have fun now!
Andrew: At one point on New Year's, my Mom said: "I'm hot." I thought she gets sadistic pleasure from my suffering. I think all my parents do.
Dr. Natural: It's sexual frustration, sexual repression, and it's predicate logic. She's probably referring to the temperature in the household and not you.
Andrew: I like to blame my mom, claim she metaphorically has me in a chastity belt (something that prevents me from having sex).
Dr. Natural: It's your social anxiety and agoraphobia that's preventing this NOT your mother.
Andrew: Then I often wonder if my parents are covering up childhood sexual abuse.
Dr. Natural: You'd likely recall if this happened. All evidence shows this is a delusion.
Andrew: I guess the sexual frustration and repression is so intense, and being home all day with my Mom and Step Dad is HELL. It FEELS LIKE sexual abuse... but it's not.
Dr. Natural: This is correct, Andrew.
(fast forward to the appointment finishing up)
Andrew: The reason I began getting hospitalized is because I started accusing my "biological father", Papi, of sexually abusing me as a child.
Dr. Natural: I'm aware.
Andrew: The reason I believed he was doing this is that the famous rockstar, the keyboard man, Matty Soul is my real biological father. And he was punishing my mother and the keyboard man.
Andrew: But now I see it's a delusion
Andrew: I hope to meet REAL friends, a woman, and have sex. Maybe I will in 2019!
(Begins to leave)
Dr. Natural: Alright, time's up for this week. Big Money Richard Natural doesn't work for free.
Andrew: One last thing, movies have cartoon-like bad guys Loki, Thanos, Calisto Yew (from Ace Attorney). But real-life bad guys are much more evil like, Adolf Hitler, Kim Jong-un,... and my parents.
Dr. Natural: Your parents aren't evil.
Andrew: (laughing) Yes. I was joking.
(We both hysterically laugh. And after that laugh, I leave the office)
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Seventeenth Part – Social Media:
Andrew: I look at the social media profiles of my ex-girlfriends, former friends, family, acquaintances, even celebrities. They're all living life. Having fun. Working awesome jobs, going on beautiful vacations, getting married, starting families. And I've wasted my life.
Dr. Natural: Social media creates a distorted image of someone’s life. People only show you what they want you to see. You see a snapshot of them at their BEST. You don't see the drudgery of ordinary life.
Andrew: ...except if you're me. My social media profile is me at my worst.
Dr. Natural: (laughing) Your internet character, Cell Waters, is pretty crazy. That certainly isn't you at your best.
Andrew: When I was in college, there was this friend I came to false conclusions about based on her social media profile. But when I got to know her, I saw my perception was totally warped. She wasn’t having all this fun, in fact, she was very sad in a lot of ways.
Dr. Natural:Do you still talk to this friend?
Andrew: I guess she wasn't a friend. More of an acquaintance. But she certainly wasn't having a lot of fun like her social media profile made it appear.
Dr. Natural: Many people are like this acquaintance!
Andrew: I look at an artist like Mint, she's been rich and famous since her teenage years. And me? I'm 31 years old, poor, disabled, lonely, and sitting at home. My Mom's supporting me financially. I barely leave my room.
Dr. Natural: I have a friend who has been trying to succeed in show-business since his 20's, he's now 73 years old. He's never made it. Mint's extremely lucky.
Andrew: The frustrating part is, I know I'm more talented than her. It's not fair.
Dr. Natural: Life isn't fair. And you can't compose songs. She's a MUSICIAN! And the screenplay you're writing, it's poorly written and hard to understand. It's not the writing of a genius.
Andrew: (sad) I know. It's SUPPOSED TO BE a comedy but sometimes I'm going on depressing rants, angry rants, frustrated rants, then sometimes I'm being comedic and silly. My characters aren't consistent at all. But I want to be a successful artist so badly, I want a shortcut to success.
Dr. Natural: Success requires MORE WORK than that, YEARS of hard work. There're no shortcuts.
Andrew: I look at my sensational videos and my screenplay as my ticket to freedom. All it will take is one crazy post, it'll go viral, I'll get rich, I'll catch up in the race, and I'll be like Mint.
Dr. Natural: But that's not going to happen.
Andrew: When I hear this, I want to curl into a ball on the floor and cry.
Dr. Natural: (not sure if I'm serious) Really?!
Andrew: (laughing) Ok, maybe not literally. But it's certainly depressing.
Andrew: While writing my screenplay, I think it's complete gold.
But then I re-read it and it doesn't make any sense. Maybe the audience is like me, maybe they don't understand it either. Maybe my art is trash.
_____
Andrew: Sometimes when viewing social media profiles, I'll start to think posts are messages directed at me.
For example, if a former friend posts a picture doing a "thumbs up" at a party, I'll think it's referencing me (since I do thumbs up too). It's like they're saying, I'll be here soon to rescue you.
Dr. Natural: Sadly, no one is coming to rescue you. You have to save yourself. And social media can be really dangerous and harmful to someone who suffers from delusions and psychosis, such as you. The reality is, most people would tell you to your face if they wanted to be in your life, not leave subtle clues in an internet picture. The sad truth is they're probably not even thinking about you.
Andrew: I look at Mint's Instagram. And I'll have just worn a camouflage t-shirt in Brooklyn, then I notice she's in a camouflage dress in one of her photos.
Or I'm in an "I Love New York" t-shirt in Manhattan, then one of her friends will have that same shirt on, etc.
I think it's a message directed at me.
Dr. Natural: Again, that's the predicate logic concept we talked about. You think two things are related that aren't. In order to succeed in the real world, you need to give up these delusions and fantasies. And accept the hard truth that none of these people are thinking about you.
Andrew: I guess I’m reading too much into nothing. It's painful to accept I lost so much time and it's one big fantasy.
Dr. Natural: Have you thought about abstaining from social media for a while?
Andrew: I find social media to be so addicting. I can’t imagine my life without Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc... How would I know what Mint is up to?
Dr. Natural: Maybe it would be good if you didn't know what Mint was up to.
Andrew: But social media is my life!
____
Dr. Natural: There is no shortcut to recovery. It's a long road ahead. And only you can do it. But you need to take the FIRST STEP.
Andrew: It's very sad what happened to me, but I can rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Eighteenth Part – Sex:
There's a toy police car on Dr. Nature's desk. At first, I thought he was an uncover police officer investigating my parents' sexual abuse, and this was his way of telling me (delusion).
But when I asked him about it, he told me his Grandson gave it to him. To his Grandson, toy police cars are really cool and everyone would want one. Well, I think everyone wants Mint's new album since it's cool to me. And for Saul Lipton's birthday, I bought him it not realizing he doesn't want it.
(Saul had a comedic reaction when he unwrapped his gift)
Saul (angry at me): Yo bro, what the fuck? I don't like this girly pop music shit. I like hardcore metal music!!!
(A few days pass)
(Hanging out with The Swell BoyZ)
Andrew: Sorry for buying you Mint's new album, Saul. My psychiatrist taught me not everyone likes Mint.
Saul: It's alright, bro. And sorry for that car chase, making you drink on your meds, and for messing with your mind.
Andrew: It's ok, Saul. I know making you listen to girly pop music is much worse.
(A few moments pass)
Saul: Yo Andrew, when was the last time you've had sex?
Andrew: (ashamed) It's been 3 years.
Foggy: Oh my God! Really dude? A day without sex is a day wasted!!!!
Andrew: Do you have sex every day?
Foggy: No. It's a line from the movie, Birdemic. But I do have significantly more sex than you.
Andrew: How many women have you been with, Foggy and Saul?
Saul: 37 women.
Foggy: 13 women.
Andrew: (ashamed) I'm 31 years old, and I've only been with 3.
Foggy (shocked) Jesus Christ, that's INSANELY LOW! You need more sex than that.
Andrew: And all the sex I've had was vanilla and conservative.
Saul: Alright, I've heard enough! I think we need to get Andrew some pussy, IMMEDIATELY.
Foggy: There's this woman I'm chatting with on Tinder. She's now obsessed with me, and won't stop texting and calling. I think she'd be the perfect person for Andrew to have sex with. Her name is Samantha.
Andrew: Like Samantha Mint?
Foggy: No, she's not like Mint. Mint's very attractive. This Samantha is pretty ugly.
Saul: But you need to have sex. It's the reason you're mentally ill.
(Foggy sends Samantha a text)
(We pick up Samantha from her house)
Foggy: Guys, Andrew hasn't had sex in YEARS.
Samantha (laughing): Really? I have sex every day.
Foggy: Sometimes with me. ;)
Samantha: If I don't, I feel like I wasted the day.
Samantha: (sexual innuendo) I think I can make Andrew's night really special.
(I'm beginning to worry she has an STD since she's so ready to jump into bed with me, but I'm also desperate, and ready to make a bad decision.)
The time comes, Samantha's asking for sex, Foggy and Saul are rooting me on, but I can't get an erection.
Andrew: (humiliated) Sorry, I can't perform. My psych meds KILL sexual function.
Samantha: (disappointed) It's ok. Maybe next time.
(Saul, Foggy, and Samantha are all VERY disappointed in me. I go home having failed. I'm frustrated, embarrassed, and ashamed.)
(At Dr. Stephen Strange appointment)
Andrew: Lately, my sexual function's been hideous and it's likely due to the mega regimen of psych meds I'm on. It's hard to get and maintain an erection, and little fluid comes out when I ejaculate.
Dr. Strange: How are the meds that assist with sexual function working?
Andrew: They're expensive. The pharmacy often complains about giving me the medication. Would possibly coming down on Invega help? Is there something we can do?
Dr. Strange: It's hard. Because the Invega's keeping you well. If we come down, you may get really sick.
Andrew: But I basically can't have sex.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Nineteenth Part – Slapped My Dad
(Note: This is exaggerated fiction based on events that actually happened)
(Talking to Dr. Natural)
Andrew: My Mom and Step Dad have been away on vacation, and she says I "ruined her vacation".
Dr. Natural: How did you ruin her vacation?
Andrew: I called her up and said how I slapped my Father.
Dr. Natural: (listening intently) Tell me more.
Andrew: My Dad can be a real asshole. He's intimidated me throughout my childhood and says hurtful things. But has NEVER gotten physical with me.
Dr. Natural: That's probably the reason you're so anxious and susceptible to bullies. Though, getting bullied is neither of your fault.
Andrew: I just started drinking again. I'm on a mega regimen of psych meds and it's not good for my mental health. But I was out with The Swell BoyZ and wanted to have a good time.
(montage begins)
Foggy: Guys, guys, we gotta drink, guys.
Andrew: I'm on a ton of psych meds. I can't.
Saul: Yo bro, it's the hockey game. You gotta pound some of these beers.
Andrew: Alright, bro.
(I have like 10 hard seltzer waters)
(montage ends)
(talking to Dr. Natural again)
Me: The next day, I was very tired and hungover, got little sleep.
I saw my dad to walk at the beach, get lunch, and watch TV - he was being an asshole.
Papi was talking about Forest Gump and running, how Forest just stopped one day. I used to run 14-16 miles a day, would walk as well. Then just stopped (like Forest). He was mocking Forest for being dumb. I thought he was calling me Forest Gump.
Papi was saying how he can't believe these bugs (he kept in a container) are still alive. I thought he was saying he can't believe I'm still alive from all that running.
Papi was talking about how he's like The Joker (from Batman).
Then I began getting delusional. I asked him to make a video. He didn't want to. I started getting hostile. Ultimately, I slapped him across the face.
Papi: OH MY GOD, YOU SLAPPED ME!!!!!
He took his Chinese food and left.
I realize this is REALLY BAD.
Dr. Natural: It is. You can't be getting physical with someone.
Andrew: I told Dr. Stephen Strange that I'd like to avoid a hospitalization or medication increase if possible. But this kind of behavior is no good.
I'm fine now. The thoughts have passed. It came over me like a tsunami then passed. But I can't let it ever escalate like that.
I called my mom, told her. We were on the phone for hours while she was in Bermuda (Caribbean Island). She says I ruined her vacation.
When she called my dad, he denied anything happened. He said I didn't slap him. But I did.
My mother and I concluded I can't drink anymore, and I won't. We also concluded that I need to go to the recovery group. No more talk. Action!
I'm usually passive and don't assert myself to my father (and stepfather too). When I'm pushed too much, I occasionally EXPLODE. (like this incident).
I have this RAGE that's building from what happened to me. (Parents, bullies, no friends, sexual frustration, wasted time, mental illness). It's not any specific person's fault. Just a series of unfortunate events. But I'm really angry and I need something to relax me and quell the RAGE. Maybe a friend? A woman? A life? Maybe anger management? Definitely a recovery group.
(Talks to Papi over the phone)
Andrew: I'm sorry, Dad.
(He forgives me)
Papi: You need to be careful Andrew because you could wind up in jail, the hospital, or worse.
Andrew: What's worse than jail or the hospital?
Papi: You could get beat up or injured if you pick on the wrong person.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Twentieth Part
Andrew: My mom tries to control my life. Her intentions are good. But she's trying to spoon feed me apples. I spit it out because I want oranges.
Dr. Natural: You're not eating oranges either. You're wasting your life in your bedroom.
Andrew: I guess "oranges" is my internet-bedroom fantasy land, away from the screaming and chaos in the real world.
Dr. Natural: Aside from fantasyland... what do you want, Andrew?
Andrew: I want to be an actor or comedian, I want my screenplay and videos to take off... I don't want to go to a recovery group as my mom wants.
Dr. Natural: Then go because you want to go.
Andrew: But I don't want to go. I'm socially anxious and agoraphobic and just want to hide from the world.
Dr. Natural: Be thankful your mom is paying for you to go to the recovery group.
Andrew: Papi said it's like the Pink Floyd song Mother "she won't let you fly but she might let you sing". My mom allows me to "sing" - but in many ways, she has me in a "chastity belt".
Dr. Natural: Let's talk about the incident where you slapped your father for a moment.
Andrew: Ok. Dr. Natural.
Dr. Natural: Why'd you do it?
Andrew: I was drinking the night before. I had little sleep, was hungover, and irritable.
Dr. Natural: You shouldn't drink with your illness and on your meds.
Andrew: My dad was saying things that I thought had double meanings (Forest Gump, Ticks, The Joker). I thought he was evil, the bane of my existence. So I slapped him.
Dr. Natural: You sound psychotic.
Andrew: I was. And now I see he's not. It's come and passed. I've been fine for days. But one incident like that can land me in the hospital or jail, so I need to make sure it never happens again.
Dr. Natural: I was talking to Dr. Stephen Strange. He wants to increase meds.
Andrew: ...but of course we don't want that. I'm already on a mega regimen.
(fast forward 5 minutes)
Andrew: I have the fantasy that celebrities like Mint and Matty Soul are waiting for me to get well before they arrive, make me rich, famous, and save me.
Dr. Natural: Think about it for a minute, you want someone to rescue you.
Andrew: If they don't rescue me soon, I'm in store for a rude awakening when my mom gets older.
Dr. Natural: You need to rely on yourself, not celebrities or your mother. YOU MUST DO IT.
Andrew: (looking at Dr. Natural to save me) Can't someone do it for me?
Dr. Natural: You're 31 years old. It sounds like you're Peter Pan. You don't want to grow up.
Andrew: So basically you're calling me a manchild?
Dr. Natural: (laughing) Basically.
Andrew: I don't want to be a manchild. People like Michael Jackson and Peter Pan are seen as pathetic. I don't want to be pathetic.
Andrew: I need to take charge of my life NOW before I wind up in an assisted living group home.
Dr. Natural: Your mom isn't getting any younger.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Twenty-First Part - Mom On Vacation:
Andrew: My mom and step dad have been on vacation in Bermuda (the Caribbean Island). And I have the responsibility of taking care of the house. Things they normally do, I’m doing.
Dr. Natural: What are some of your responsibilities?
Andrew: For one, I'm taking care of the dog. I never realized how much work she is until I have to do it. I see why my Step Dad's always yelling at her to "go potty" outback. Waiting for her to go is so frustrating. The conditions have to be exactly right. I want to scream, "GO POTTY" like my stepdad does. Though, I don't.
Dr. Natural: You're beginning to see things from your Step Dad's point of view.
Andrew: I am. It's not fun... And getting her to eat is worse. I have to put her in a room away from distractions. Then sometimes I need to feed her by hand because she just stands and there and shakes staring at the plate. But eventually, she eats – even if it takes her all night.
Dr. Natural: We also have a dog, and feeding her can be annoying. But if I got out her snacks or gave her my food she'd eat in a second.
Andrew: Also, al night long, the dog is barking. I NEED TO SLEEP.
Dr. Natural: (laughing) But you do nothing all day long. Why do you need rest?
Andrew: (laughing as well) I guess I don't. Although she can be a chore, I love the dog and her weirdness anyway.
Dr. Natural: That's the beauty of puppies, they bring joy, happiness... and aggravation.
Dr. Natural: What are some other responsibilities?
Andrew: Taking out the trash, doing the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom...
Dr. Natural: (interrupting) And the laundry?
Andrew: Nope! I do my laundry even when they're here... I ALWAYS do the laundry. I'm very OCD about that.
Dr. Natural: I see. My wife does my laundry that's why I asked.
Andrew: I noticed if you leave trash lying around, it stays lying around. Not only do I have to throw out the trash, once the bags are full, I also have to tie up the trash bags, bring it to the trash can outside. Then bring the trash cans to the curb, and bring them back up to the house – it’s collected twice a week. I was always under the impression this magically happened.
Dr. Natural: You're 31 years old. Not a High School student who has the house to himself. Take responsibility.
Andrew: I'm taking a lot of responsibility, and I'm getting a taste of independence since I can't rely on my mom and stepdad.
Dr. Natural: Do you like your independence and freedom?
Andrew: Yes I do. I LOVE the peace and quiet. I LOVE having control.
Dr. Natural: Try doing these things even when they return.
Andrew: I will. But also in the back of my mind, I can't wait until my parents get home because then my workload will be eased.
Andrew: I didn't realize how much I take my mom and step-dad for granted. I’m so lucky to have them. I love them so much. They’re the best.
(15 minutes later)
Andrew: We have this nosy neighbor. She observes everyone, so does her husband. They annoy my mom and stepdad but I usually don't care.
Dr. Natural: I have one of those too. They can be quite annoying. My wife intentionally spites her by parking behind their driveway.
Andrew: Well, MY NEIGHBOR came to the house asking if I lost my dog. But there was no dog in sight. And my dog was right behind me in the house.
I think she hasn't seen my parents in days (since they're on vacation), and I'm a little quirky. I think she was being nosy.
I didn't tell her anything.
Dr. Natural: Good. SAY NOTHING!
Andrew: Why can't people mind their own business?
Andrew: Then they were fighting with other neighbors about using too much water on their lawn, and with another about letting their dog go potty on their lawn... So it's not just me.
Dr. Natural: It seems like they're just jerks. Ignore them.
Andrew: Now I'm getting delusional that they called the police because when I walked to the supermarket, I noticed a lot of police cars in the neighborhood.
Dr. Natural: It sounds like predicate logic. The police cars could be there for any reason. It most likely has nothing to do with you and the neighbors.
Andrew: I know this but I begin to fear they're undercover investigating me. I DID NOTHING WRONG.
Dr. Natural: That is correct. You did nothing wrong. She's just a nosy neighbor. And something probably happened in the neighborhood unrelated to you.
Andrew: You're probably right. But I have PTSD from my hospitalizations. When I hear or see police cars or ambulances I get flashbacks - afraid they're coming for me.
Dr. Natural: But they're not, Andrew... They're not.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Twenty-Second Part - Mom Returns
Andrew: My Mom bought me a membership to a dating website (Match).
Dr. Natural: That's nice of your Mom. But it'll be hard revealing to someone that you have a severe mental illness.
Andrew: Good point. I think women can tell. I start off chatting with women ages 24 - 46, get no replies. So I change it to seeking men ages 35 - 99. And I get a million replies.
Dr. Natural: That's very interesting. It seems it's a lot easier to meet people if you're seeking a homosexual relationship.
Andrew: Especially for someone as attractive as me.
Andrew: Something about older men really excites me. It's taboo.
Dr. Natural: It sounds like you might be a homosexual or at least bisexual
Andrew: Growing up, I was always attracted to my friend's fathers (and not their mothers). And it's not just men, it's older men. Men in their late 40's, 50's, 60's, and even 70's.
Andrew: Do you think this relates to growing up with no father figure and being raised by my mother?
Dr. Natural: Not sure.
Andrew: Can I undergo shock therapy to reverse these thoughts?
Dr. Natural: In 2019 there's nothing wrong with homosexuality, you don't need to shock the thoughts away. And I don't think that'd be very effective.
Andrew: My Mom forbids homosexuality in this household and I'm so ashamed of it.
Dr. Natural: It's nothing to be ashamed of. You were Born This Way!
______
(Taking a drive to the local gym to do an hour of cardio.)
I'm driving like a neurotic mess, like an elderly person. Cars are zooming around me, making rude hand gestures, beeping. And I'm oblivious, doing 20 mph in the left lane on a 40 mph road
(I go into the 7-Eleven convenience store to caffeinate myself up before the workout)
Employee: You're always here. Get the cell phone app. You can save a lot of money.
Andrew: I don’t want it, new technology overwhelms me.
(Montage begins)
Day 1:
Employee: Get the cell phone app, it's so useful.
Day 2:
Employee: (like a zombie) Please, please get the cell phone app. You can save money, YOU CAN SAVE MONEY!!!!!
Same thing for 20 days:
Employee: (like a zombie) You must get the cell phone app RIGHT THIS SECOND, give me your phone, I will install the app for you.
On day 20, I curl into a ball on the floor, start crying, and say:
Andrew: I don’t care. I don't want the app.
Lol.
______
(Meets The Swell BoyZ for chicken wings and beer (though, I'm not drinking alcohol)
Andrew: I wonder how 7-Eleven employees get to the store.
Saul: What do you mean, gangster dude?
Andrew: I was the only car in the parking lot. I go inside, and there are employees working. Where are their cars? Do they live and sleep at the store?
Saul: Yo bro, this is mind-blowing. Foggy, you hearing this?
Andrew: When their shift is over, do they set up a sleeping bag in the back room, and the next guy comes out? I’m just assuming they do.
Foggy: Guys, guys... I was once dating a 7-Eleven employee. She didn't drive. But her best friend picked her up.
Saul: Was the friend a man or a woman?
Foggy: A man, but she says they were just friends.
Saul: Bro, she was totally cheating on you.
Andrew: I'm a naive idiot, but even I know that, Foggy.
Foggy: Whatever guys, at least I was getting some... come to think of it, that's probably how I got that STD.
Saul: Yeah, dude, you were "getting some" STD.
(5 minutes pass)
Andrew: Let's talk about something more important.
Saul: Ok bro, spill your guts.
Andrew: We like to call ourselves The Swell BoyZ...
Foggy (interrupting): And I'm the leader of The Swell BoyZ.
Saul: Whatever you say, Foggy.
Andrew: Guys FOCUS!
Andrew: The Beach Boys wrote songs about surfing and were very successful. I was driving past a ski and surf shop that sold snowboards. We can be The Snow Boys and write "songs" about snowboarding. It doesn’t matter we don’t snowboard, The Beach Boys didn’t surf. Plus my surname ends in ski
Saul: Nah, we The Swell BoyZ.
Foggy: Yes, Swell BoyZ!
______
(My parents get back from vacation and the chaos begins)
Andrew: (in an e-mail to Dr. Natural) They’re so MISERABLE AND CRAZY.
Step Dad: (screaming at our dog Kiley) Go potty, go potty, GO POTTY!!!!!!
Mom: Oh my God, my clothes might have bed bugs. I need to wash EVERYTHING at 11 pm.
Andrew: (in an e-mail to Dr. Natural) They're so energetic.
The emotion overtakes me like a tsunami.
Andrew: (sending a THRID e-mail to Dr. Natural) There’s no way to function and get well in this home environment, it’s just visceral emotion and madness. I’m hoping one of my videos will save me, and hopefully, I can get vengeance since they destroyed my life. Someone help me, someone save me. I’m in HELL!!!!!!!!
It was so nice while they were away, I had PEACE AND QUIET. Now I’m WALKING ON EGGSHELLS yet again, in my fantasyland, hoping someone is going to save me from this HELL!!! My Mom’s nuts and I HATE my Step-Dad, I HATE HIS GUTS."
(The tsunami of emotion comes and passes)
(The next morning)
Andrew: (in an e-mail to Dr. Natural) Last night, I was making nasty posts about my parents, claiming they’re the bane of my existence. But that’s not true. I’m lucky to have them and my life would be worse without them. I’ve since removed the posts out of guilt. My moods fluctuate and this morning I love them.
Dr. Natural: (replying to my e-mail) You are back to solid ground. Good.
______
(Dr. Natural appointment)
Andrew: I wonder if childhood bullies regret bullying me. Because that’s the trauma most of my problems stem from. They’ve moved on. I wish I could say to them, YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE! They’re probably still horrible people and don’t care. So maybe my best revenge is a success.
Dr. Natural: That's correct, your social anxiety and agoraphobia come from the bullying. And they've moved on. You need to recover and become successful. And who knows, when you succeed you may see one of the bullies working at 7-Eleven.
Andrew: Right now, I’m like Adam Sandler from the movie Anger Management. I’m passive and would never stick up for myself. I let childhood school bullies torture me, had control issues with my parents, and I became very mentally ill. Jack Nicholson tells me I’m full of RAGE, but I don’t think I am.
Dr. Natural: But you can and will succeed.
(5 minutes pass)
Andrew: My parents are doing construction to their house to give me a separate apartment.
Dr. Natural: That's great, this sounds like a step towards independence.
Andrew: It is. But while it's going on, I feel like a prisoner in my room
Dr. Natural: How come?
Andrew: I feel defective and damaged, and I hate the awkward social interactions with the workers. So I stay in my room to avoid it while they're here.
Dr. Natural: That's anxiety and agoraphobia.
Andrew: I know they think I'm a mentally ill freak.
Dr. Natural: That's in your head. You're NOT wearing a crazy scarlet letter. They're focused on their job - NOT you.
Andrew: And the workers are using the downstairs bathroom. That’s my bathroom. My toothbrush, mouthwash, razor – it’s all in there. I’m afraid a disgruntled employee might spit in my mouthwash. Actually, I’m afraid of worse than that. I’m just giving a nice example.
Dr. Natural: I guess you can get a psychopath who might do that, but most people wouldn't.
Andrew: What do you suggest doing?
Dr. Natural: If it really bothers you, maybe keep your toiletries in your room.
Andrew: I already dumped out my mouthwash. But I swallowed a little bit of it before getting the idea, now I'm OCDing I have an STD - like my friend, Foggy.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Twenty-Third Part – Starbucks Barista:
Andrew: I get coffee from Starbucks every morning.
Dr. Natural: I too have a morning cup of joe. It's actually healthy if you don't overdo it.
Andrew: I would go in there feeling like a mentally ill freak who's wearing the crazy scarlet letter.
Dr. Natural: That's in your head. Nobody is viewing you in a critical way.
Andrew: Even so, I felt like a lost soul. And there's a Starbucks barista who, despite my quirkiness, has been very friendly with me for months. She's very attractive. I guess college age. I think she wants me to ask her on a date.
Dr. Natural: Be careful, she might just be kind.
Andrew: I initially thought that too, but now she's being REALLY FRIENDLY. It's beyond customer and barista interactions. She's handing me straws, smiling, going out of her way to chat with me, refilling my drink.
Dr. Natural: Then ask her out.
Andrew: I don't want to get rejected. I don't have the guts to ask her out. So I go in there. Have very friendly interactions. Then get frustrated I didn't ask her out. And she doesn't work mornings every day. So I don't know the next time I'll see her.
Dr. Natural: Patience, just have courage next time.
Andrew: I want to have courage, but I'll probably chicken out again.
Andrew: I don't even know her name. I keep trying to look at her name badge. At this point, it looks REALLY BAD asking: "by the way, what's your name?"
Dr. Natural: Don't overthink it. Just be naturally funny and charming like you are here. Don't be an expressionless zombie. Let the real Andrew out. Let the real Andrew shine. You're very likable.
____
(Hanging out with friends at Buffalo Wild Wings)
Andrew: I don't like The Swell BoyZ "band name".
Saul: I don't understand why you call us a band, we don't play music. We just drink, eat chicken wings, watch the game, and check out babes.
Foggy: You guys check out babes, I talk to them.
Saul: ...About fanny packs.
Foggy: That's better than standing there silently and...
Andrew: Guys FOCUS!
I know you didn't like The Snow Boys name. probably because we don't snowboard or ski... BUT we eat boneless chicken wings. How about we call ourselves The Boneless Boys.
Saul: ...
Foggy: ...
Saul: No, I eat traditional wings. And we're The Swell BoyZ.
(Fast forward 5 minutes)
Andrew: Growing up many people had unrealistic childhood fantasies about the future. What did you want to be?
Saul: I wanted to be a hockey player and a professional wrestler.
Foggy: I wanted to be an astronaut and a rockstar.
Andrew: I said to my cousin I want to live on a tour bus. The dream was to hook up video games, televisions, computers, and just lay around… driving all around the world… Like a college dorm room, forever.
Saul: That does sound pretty cool.
Andrew: I remember even telling my mom: we’re going to live on a bus when we get older. She was like: ok Andrew (not believing this would ever happen). She knew, and now I know, we have these unrealistic dreams as children. But when you get older you see they’ll never come to fruition. Over a decade later, the childhood dream has become a distant, faded, and forgotten memory. Everyone moved on (including me). Not only do I no longer see my cousin, now our childhood fantasy means nothing. I too have changed, and now realize it wouldn’t be the dream paradise we envisioned as kids anyway.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – I Just Wasn't Made for These Times:
Andrew: I finally had the courage to ask that Starbucks Barista on a date.
Dr. Natural: ...tell me all about it. What did you say?
Andrew: I asked her if it's ok for guys to wear fanny packs.
Dr. Natural: Very smooth. Perfect ice breaker. What did she say?
Andrew: I forget. I wasn't really paying attention because I was getting ready to ask her out. I think she said, at amusement parks it's ok and if you're attractive.
Dr. Natural: What happened when you asked her on a date?
Andrew: Long story short, she told me she has a boyfriend.
I feel like the song "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times" - I'm socially alienated, depressed, and don't fit in anywhere.
(montage begins - and the song begins to play)
I spend the majority of my time at home, my parents don't understand me. I can only talk to them to an extent. They don't know the real me.
In public I'm wearing the crazy scarlet letter, everyone's viewing me like a mentally ill freak.
Have all my friends, former friends, and acquaintances forgotten me? Does no one care I exist? Do they not care I'm suffering?
For example, have all my ex-girlfriends just moved on? Am I completely forgotten?
And hanging out with fair weathered friends is so depressing.
This past Saturday night, I went to the first New York Islanders game at the Nassau Collesium in years. It was nice getting out of the house, but I wouldn’t say I had a wonderful time.
Saul Lipton drove and I think he was drunk.
Before the game, Saul and Foggy wanted to tailgate with some white trash friends we knew from high school. Most of them I haven't seen in years. They were getting drunk in the parking lot, and I can’t drink due to my medication.
I didn’t fit in. I felt too advanced. Smarter than everyone there.
They were BBQing, looking at “hot women”, screaming “Let’s Go Islanders”. I was having bad anxiety. There was one guy who made me uncomfortable, I didn’t want him to think I was gay, I couldn’t look at him.
So I wandered away and sat in the Marriot Hotel by myself until game time. I wanted to peacefully and silently watch the game. But the crowd was loud, rowdy, and rambunctious. It was stressing me out. They were screaming, cheering, chanting.
I didn’t want to be watching a hockey game with the BoyZ. I wanted to be relaxing with my arm around a woman. But it was better than being at home.
When the game was over, I bought a $175 dollar jersey. But even that didn't cheer me up
(montage ends)
Andrew: I'm overwhelmed with sadness and frustration. I said to myself, you can dwell on it and feel self-pity. Or you can accept it, and remain positive. I'm not saying a transformation occurred. But moments of positive distractions are better than negative obsessing.
Dr. Natural: So you're beginning to have a positive mindset?
Andrew: I'm trying, Dr. Natural... I'm trying.
Andrew: Papi always tells me "be positive". But it's not that easy.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Dr. Natural session about my screenplay:
(At my weekly session with Dr. Natural at Organic Hospital)
Dr. Natural: How was your commute today?
Andrew: Good. The subway stop is back in service, BUT now they're working on the other side of the track. I'm beginning to panic and get overwhelmed about my commute home. Can I leave the session a little early today? I don't want to miss my 1:30 pm train back to Long Island.
Dr. Natural: You're a creature of habit, Andrew. You'll figure it out. And worst-case scenario, you'll get home a little late.
Andrew: Yeah, I don't like change. Plus I'm intimated by Brooklyn. I'm afraid I'll look like a tourist, and someone will attempt to rob me or worse.
Dr. Natural: I won't say that'll NEVER happen, but it's unlikely that'll happen on a busy street, in the middle of the day, with many people outside.
____
(The topic changes)
Andrew: At the gym, I saw a guy in a t-shirt that said "genius." There's no reason to think it's related to me. But I began to think it's someone from a company like Disney undercover, saying my art is genius and we're going to make a movie.
Dr. Natural: This is a textbook example of predicate logic. Andrew, I see you've been working on a comedic screenplay about mental illness (you send me many e-mails about it). I find it moving. But it's nowhere close to being developed into a skit at your recovery group, let alone a Disney Hollywood movie.
Andrew: I know you told me to focus on the screenplay about mental illness, but I've also been working on a superhero screenplay, music, and comedic drawings.
Dr. Natural: Unfortunately there're a million people with superhero screenplays in Hollywood, most of them never get discovered. And entertainment companies usually like to use Marvel and DC comics for superhero movies, anyway. Basically, there's NO DEMAND for a superhero movie.
Andrew: So, what are you saying?
Dr. Natural: I think your screenplay with a comedic approach to mental illness has the potential to be developed into something. It hasn't been done before. It's very original and authentic. But you need to work and FOCUS on it.
Andrew: I keep writing, and writing, and writing for this screenplay. And I begin to get overwhelmed with developing areas of it. So I stop for weeks, then resume writing.
Dr. Natural: Yes, FOCUS. Take 3 acts or episodes. Keep developing them, working on them. Stop adding material, and start editing what you already have.
Andrew: Then what?
Dr. Natural: Well, you can ask people at your recovery group if they'd like to participate in your play. It may even get presented at NAMI.
Andrew: I feel like the recovery group is a dead end. No one has any experience in media, no one wants to be in videos. I go there, just twiddle my thumbs, waste the day and money, then leave.
Dr. Natural: You need to take charge. Don't wait for someone to spoon-feed you the project. Tell them, this is what I want to do. Does anyone want to participate?
Andrew: Yesterday, I was supposed to go to the recovery group for their media meeting... but I'm beginning to get discouraged and just didn't care.
Dr. Natural: This is exactly the problem. If you don't even go to their media meeting, how can you say they don't want to participate in your media project? This is the diving board into the pool of success, take the leap.
Andrew: On all this medication, I sleep for 12 hours and when I wake up I feel "medication hungover." For example, if I go to sleep at 8 pm, it's hard for me to wake up before 8 am. Lately, I've been going to sleep later than usual - 11:30 pm, and I can't wake up until 11:30 am. By the time I wake up, go into the city (for recovery group), the day's over. If I could just snap my fingers and teleport there I guess I'd go, then again I still probably wouldn't.
Dr. Natural: Stop making excuses, and just go.
Andrew: You're right! I need to pull the trigger on the recovery group, and just do it.
Dr. Natural: What do you mean by "pull the trigger"?
Andrew: It's an analogy my dad always uses. I mean, begin, start, go to the recovery group.
Dr. Natural: I don't like the "pull the trigger" analogy. It's not instantaneous change. It's more like moving sand from one side of the beach to the other, it's a lot of work, and erosion can happen. Or the construction of a house. Don't say "pull the trigger."
____
(The topic changes to pop superstar, Mint)
Andrew: I just heard Mint's new song on the radio, and like many of her other songs, I got predicate logic that it's about me.
(I play the song for Dr. Natural)
Dr. Natural: Mint is responding to the public, to her fan base, not to you as an individual. Yes, predicate logic. Good catch.
Andrew: Then I Googled her name, I discovered she has a boyfriend.
I think: ok, maybe she's fooling the public. Maybe the relationship is fake. Maybe she really wants to date me. OR maybe she just wants to be my friend, be in my "band", work on my movie (screenplay) with me.
Andrew: (joking) I can't date her, anyway. After all, she's 5'11 and I'm only 5'9. A man can't date someone who is 2 inches taller.
Dr. Natural: (laughing) The reason you can't date her is that IT'S A DELUSION!!!!
Andrew: I really want to believe she knows me, she's viewing me.
Dr. Natural: It's disappointing to realize your thoughts about her are a daydream rather than a reality. Hard to bear that.
Andrew: Then I get angry, why did she have such a good life while I suffered so much.
She was famous from 15 years old, with lots of money, and friends - while I'm struggling with a mental illness at 31 years old. I've wasted my life up until this point.
Dr. Natural: Life's not fair. It's a hard pill to swallow.
Andrew: This is why people like to believe in God. "So what that Mint's so much more successful than me?" She's greedy, selfish, a bad person - while I'm good. She's going to hell, while I'm going to heaven.
(Dr. Natural: doesn't say a word and just laughs)
Andrew: Some people get lucky when they obtain success, some even at a young age. I was very unlucky, so I made my own "luck." My upcoming success I earned the HARD WAY. I guess I'll appreciate it more since I really had to work for it, it also took me a long time to succeed.
____
(To Dr. Natural)
Andrew: I went to a fancy restaurant with my family in a wealthy area. Rich and snobby people intimidate me. After we ate, I was at a Starbucks, I felt low class, inferior, and flawed in comparison. I don't relate to the blue-collar lifestyle either. Growing up I was bullied by "tough guys." There's really no place I fit in. :(
____
(Talking to Dr. Natural about the pool incident)
Andrew: I was in the pool with my mother, we were having a nice time. Then two birds began to mate. My mom said: "what are they doing? Are they playing?" I began to get angry. Sex is natural. Did my mom make me go against nature by preventing me from having sex? Did my mom metaphorically have me in a chastity belt?
Dr. Natural: No, extreme social anxiety and agoraphobia are why you lost time (which stems from school bullying). Even if your mom literally had you in a chastity belt and took it off, you STILL wouldn't know how to meet a woman.
Andrew: I guess you're right. She even built me a private "apartment-like" area to bring women and bought me a membership to internet dating websites. She's not trying to repress me.
Dr. Natural: Exactly. Your mom wants the best for you.
Andrew: It's really sad, I was bonding with my mother. A nice relaxing time turned negative because of birds mating. It turned so uncomfortable that she left the pool, and the good time was ruined.
____
(Finishing up session with Dr. Natural)
Andrew: I call my dad every morning, while I'm in the bathroom (how appropriate). Today he said, "it's awfully hot outside" but there's a "cool breeze." This is similar to lyrics about Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd (who was a mentally ill drug addict). The lyrics are, "it's awfully considerate" from Jugband Blues, and "cool breeze" from Wish You Were Here. It gets me angry. Syd's a loser. I'm so much cooler than a reckless rockstar.
Dr. Natural: Do you confront him about this?
Andrew: No... Then I begin to think when he said I was "like Roger Waters" (from The Wall) - Did he really think I was like Syd Barrett?
Dr. Natural: It might be predicate logic. "It's awfully hot" isn't "it's awfully considerate", and "cool breeze" on a warm day isn't necessarily a lyric from Wish You Were Here.
Andrew: I get REALLY ANGRY. I feel like he's calling me a defective and damaged person. In many ways, I'm more functional and mature than him.
Dr. Natural: (joking) OK, time's up. I don't give advice for free.
Andrew: See you next week, Dr. Natural. Hopefully, I make it home safely.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – My parents and screenplay
Andrew: I recently moved into an "apartment-like" area at my mom's house.
Dr. Natural: This is a step in the right direction...
Andrew: Granted, she paid for it and still controls my money but I finally have peace and quiet. Hopefully, it leads to independence because when my mom inevitably goes away, I need to be prepared not overwhelmed.
Dr. Natural: You're the one who is resisting change. It seems like your mother is trying to push you out of the nest.
Andrew: But
I also feel like I need her permission and approval to do things -
like, "mom, is it ok if I pursue photography?" "Mom,
is it ok if I do acting/comedy?" "Mom, apply to this
supermarket job with me?" "Mother, is this woman good
enough for me? (Roger Waters lyric from "Mother" - The
Wall")
Dr.
Natural: Take
the steps, you don't NEED your mother. You can do this on your own.
Andrew: I begin to get angry that my parents sabotaged my life, they controlled me, I had no privacy to bring a woman over (if I could even meet one), and they're responsible for my poor social skills... Then my Step Dad starts to get irritable, cranky, miserable - yelling. My emotions overtake me like a tsunami and I think did they get sadistic pleasure from my suffering?
Dr. Natural: Nobody's parents are perfect, but I saw your parents get emotional in a loving way while they were here.The only ones who got sadistic pleasure from your suffering are the childhood school bullies.
Andrew: I had no friends in my childhood, my twenties, and now I'm 31 years old and STILL have no friends. I'm not good at talking to women.
Dr. Natural: Yes, the bullies caused extreme social anxiety and agoraphobia.
Andrew: Women are attracted to me, but I open my mouth, get panic attacks and feel like I'm on stage. I make awful small talk about the weather, but I have good social skills when I get comfortable (like I am here). I guess I need to get relaxed and mellow.
____
(About my comedic screenplay about mental illness)
Dr. Natural: Andrew, I like your screenwriting, which is not to say that I regard you as a genius, but rather someone who can write in a touching, authentic way.
Andrew: Thanks. I have fun writing it and I think that's apparent when reading the play.
Dr. Natural: I see you have posted the whole screenplay (on social media), which is fine, but posting the play does not get the editing done.
Andrew: I guess by posting is publically, I'm hoping someone will do the work FOR ME. But I'm also afraid someone will attempt to steal my ideas. So it's a double-edged sword.
Dr. Natural: No one will steal your ideas, and no one will do the work for you. That's a delusion. You need to focus. Pick 3 scenes, refine them, and then move forward with enlisting a cast at the recovery group.
Andrew: Which scenes would you choose?
Dr. Natural: It's up to you. Personally, I think the predicate logic theme would be worth illustrating. The vignettes can show how predicate logic allows for a person to imagine the fulfillment of their daydreams without grounding their efforts toward recovery in the real world.
Andrew: OK, I'll focus on three scenes I've already written. Refine, edit, and stop adding to the play.
(The next day Andrew proceeds to add more material instead of editing.)
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Comic Genius:
(I haven't had a girlfriend in years and I'm VERY FRUSTRATED about this.
At the gym I'm working out, walking on the treadmill, observing all the attractive women around me. I feel so close yet so far away. I don't have the social skills to say "hello." I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown on the treadmill from frustration. I smash the stop button and leave the gym 23 minutes into my workout. Everyone around me thinks I'm nuts. At least, that what I think they think - they probably don't even notice me.)
____
(I go home and begin to chat with my Mom)
Andrew: (frustrated) Mom, I'm 31 years old. I need to get motivated and pursue comedy, screenwriting, acting NOW. Time is running out. And I'm insanely talented. I know I'll rise RIGHT TO THE TOP.
Mom: These jobs are artsy and fun, but you need to work a real job.
Andrew: Don't you understand? I'm a COMIC GENIUS. A million times funnier than Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Norton, Howard Stern - I'm the funniest comic ever.
Mom: You'll get critiqued and heckled - I don't think you'll handle that well.
Andrew: Stop holding me back.
Mom: (getting angry) I'm holding you back?
Andrew: (calming her down) Ok, I need to get motivated. (laughs)
Mom: Yes, start at the bottom. Work behind the scenes. And you still may never get discovered. I thought I was a good painter. My dream was to be an art teacher. I had to work and put food on the table. Pay bills. Painting is my passion but never my career, maybe you'll get discovered, maybe you won't.
Andrew: But if I sit back wishing, I'll never get it. I should go to the comedy club and illuminate the room with how bright I shine. The cream will rise RIGHT TO THE TOP. I can't wait another 10 years.
Mom: Then why don't you?
Andrew: I don't have money.
(I think to myself she has me prisoner and is preventing me, but it's also anxiety)
Mom: Sadly, most people do a mundane boring routine at work. They work jobs they don't like. Do your passion on the side. Do stand-up and open mic night for fun. Be realistic.
(What I'm thinking:
Rather than encouraging my dreams, my mom is telling me to "be realistic." She's the bane of my existence! Without her, I would've been a rockstar by now. She's controlling me, she has me as a prisoner.)
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Sex (Pleasure From Suffering? - Refined):
____
(It's that time again for this week's Dr. Natural appointment.)
Andrew: Hey, Dr. Natural.
As
you know, I'm EXTREMELY frustrated, socially isolated, and alienated.
I haven't had a real friend in YEARS, and I mostly sit in my bedroom
going crazy. People from my past have moved on, and there is no
secret Fairy Godmother, who'll save me.
Dr.
Natural: Yes,
I'm aware. You have to save yourself.
Andrew: I'm want sex BADLY. I haven't had a girlfriend, or sex in many years... And I feel like I'm about to EXPLODE from frustration.
Dr. Natural: Your frustrations sound horrible. I can feel your pain.
Andrew: I often like to blame my mother, claim she has me in a metaphoric chastity belt. Is she preventing me from having sex?
Dr. Natural: Unfortunately your mother is not the bane of your existence. Your life would be worse without her. Even if she literally had you in a chastity belt, then took it off, you'd still have difficulty meeting women. Your prison is internal, not maternal.
Andrew: You're probably right. I'm anxious and can't stand being around people - but I want a girlfriend SO BADLY.
Dr. Natural: It's natural for a 31 year old man to be independent from his mother, and be interacting with women his age. Sadly, you've lost a lot of time.
Dr. Natural: Well, at least you have The Swell BoyZ that you watch the game and eat chicken wings with. Do they know any women?
Andrew: I think they're embarrassed to bring me around women, I guess I cramp their style. They're fair-weathered friends who don't understand me. Sadly, they've been my ONLY FRIENDS for years.
I just want one or two GOOD FRIENDS instead of many fair-weathered friends. But it seems like there's nobody out there
It's like The Beach Boys song - I Just Wasn't Made For These Times.
Dr. Natural: The extent of your suffering sounds extreme, I'm sorry this happened to you.
Andrew: Thanks, Dr. Natural. At Least SOMEBODY has sympathy for me. At home, it's yelling and chaos. I'm told that I'm a loser, constantly.
Then the anger over takes me like a tsunami.
I feel like my parents, family and "friends" get sadistic pleasure from my suffering.
____
Andrew: I
saw my father yesterday.
Dr.
Natural: (interrupting) "The
Keyboard Man" Matty Soul?
Andrew: No,
I don't believe Matty Soul is my biological father at the
moment.
(I'm
thinking "don't be stupid, that's absurd." However, in a
day I might start strongly believing that again.)
Dr.
Natural: (laughing) Sorry,
sorry...
Andrew: Well,
it's obvious I'm extremely miserable and sexually frustrated.
As
we were driving around, my dad was making comments like "the
weather is so HOT" (since it was 101 degrees). Then we went to
the mall, we ate at the food court. He let his gyro sauce drip out in
a sexual way. He took a photo of me and the word, "yummy"
was in the background.
Dr.
Natural: What
are you trying to say?
Andrew: Does
my dad get sadistic pleasure from my suffering?
Dr.
Natural: It
sounds like predicate logic. It IS really hot outside, 99 degrees
today. He's eating a gyro and sauce often drips out. And you're in a
food court, words like "yummy" are all over the
place.
Andrew: I
understand that's what it APPEARS like. But while we were in the car,
my dad mentioned the character Francis Freeman / Ajax from
"Deadpool." The character sadistically tortured Wade,
turned him into Deadpool.
Dr. Natural: What are you trying to say, yet again?
Andrew: While my dad didn't torture me to that extent, he'd often bully me, was absentee, and finds my suffering "yummy."
Andrew: Later on, my dad said, "you just read my mind." Or, "I read yours." He says things that have double meanings.
Dr. Natural: I don't know your dad, so I can't comment.
____
Andrew: I begin to get angry that women I once knew were prostitutes, but they didn't tell me.
Dr. Natural: What evidence do you have of this?
Andrew: Posts on social media of them donating money in support of people who were prostitutes.
AND
At the mall, there's a Deadpool mannequin at a toy store. There's a sign on it that says, "dude, don't touch me." (Because they don't want customers touching it.) Deadpool dated a prostitute in the movie. Did my soulmate woman put it there? Is she telling me she was a prostitute. And wants to have a hot and heavy love affair (like Deadpool and Vanessa)
Dr. Natural: Textbook example of predicate logic. Don't let your mind run wild.
____
Andrew: I like to make videos. Much like my screenplay, I create and create. But don't edit and refine.
Dr.
Natural: If
you want to succeed you need to EDIT and REFINE. It's the signal to
noise ratio. You're putting out a lot of noise. There is a signal in
there, some good material (the signal). But it's lost in all the
noise. You need to edit out the noise.
Andrew: I
asked my parents if they wanted to be in a video with me. I said,
"it'd be a family affair." Then my stepdad joked, "a
naked video?"
Why
would he say a "naked video"?
Dr.
Natural: I
don't know?
Andrew: Yesterday,
my mom said it looks like I lost weight. She said I look good. And my
stepdad joked that I look "sexy."
AND
I'm
31 years old, and I asked my mom to tuck me into bed (as a joke).
Then my stepdad joked, "Want me to tuck you in?"
Dr.
Natural: It
sounds like he's joking.
Andrew: I
realize they were "jokes" but sometimes when people joke
they're saying what they feel. Is my stepdad attracted to me?
Andrew: I told my mom that my stepdad makes me uncomfortable when he makes these sexual jokes. But I somehow got blamed, my feeling weren't validated, and said what I think "is absurd."
____
Andrew: Do
my parents get excited about my repression and lost time? Do they get
sadistic pleasure from my suffering? Is the reason being around my
stepdad so uncomfortable because he's attracted to me? Does my mom
have me in a metaphoric chastity belt?
Is
getting pleasure from my suffering a crime?
Dr.
Natural: There's
no evidence they get pleasure from your suffering.
____
Andrew: I'm
chatting with this 70-something-year-old doctor from NYC. Apparently,
he is really well known, married, a millionaire - but has discovered
he's gay.
Well,
the thought of meeting him, possibly being my sugar daddy, it really
excites me.
Dr.
Natural: It
sounds like you want to be used for sex.
Andrew: He
actually wants me to meet him in the city, TODAY, but since I have to
explain to mom everything I do, it'd never happen.
Dr.
Natural: Nobody
will ever love you like your mother loves you.
____
Andrew: This anxiety crippled me as a child too, I had difficulty meeting women. I was so ashamed being a 24 year old virgin.
Dr. Natural: There's no shame in being a virgin.
Andrew: Well, I thought sex would be a life-changing moment, but then I had it (at 24), and I was exactly the same afterwards.
I fear when this new sex drought comes to an end and it rains, I'll be the same (more or less). Maybe I'll be less intense and sexually frustrated for a while. But all in all, I'll still have a severe mental illness.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic
Screenplay (Rough Draft) – RAGE:
(It's
that time again for the best moment of the week - the Dr.
Natural appointment)
Andrew: Hey,
Dr Natural.
Dr.
Natural: Hello
Andrew.
Andrew: Can
I leave my appointment 10 minutes early? I don't want to miss my
train back to Long Island?
Dr.
Natural: You're
really OCD about this.
Andrew:
(laughing) I
am.
____
Andrew: As
you know, I've had minimal sexual fun in my life. I was a virgin
until I was 24 years old. The sex I've had was conservative and
vanilla. And I'm having another sex drought. I haven't had sex in
years. I feel like my mom has me in a metaphoric chastity belt - is
preventing me from having sex.
Dr.
Natural: Your
inability to meeting women is internal, not maternal. It's social
anxiety and agoraphobia.
Andrew: Maybe.
But I'm chatting with women on dating websites:
I
want to go on a date with a woman who's 53 year old lawyer... but my
mom shames me, tells me it's not ok.
I
want to go on a date with a woman 10 years younger than me (21 years
old), but my mom shames me, tells me it's not ok.
I
want to go on a date with a man, but my mom shames me, tells me it's
not ok.
And
the women who are "just right" (late 20's, early 30's) want
nothing to do with me because I'm a crazy, mentally ill freak.
____
Andrew: I
went into my Mom's part of the house this morning to fill up my psych
medication, and my step dad was being his usual miserable self.
Keeping to himself, he clearly didn't want me around. It's like
walking on eggshells being around him. I can't even talk to my mother
without him being contradictory to everything I say. For example, if
I say, "mom, what a beautiful blue sky."... He'll interrupt
the two way conversation saying, "the sky is purple."
Dr.
Natural: It
sounds really difficult.
Andrew: It
IS. I think he has intense PTSD from the military. He's impossible to
be around. It really affected me, and my mom did nothing about it.
The home environment was chaos so I ran and walked all day, I
could've died. My parents were neglecting me.
Andrew: I
accidentally dropped a single Invega pill on the floor. He told me,
"don't drop your medication on the floor." I felt like a
deer caught in headlights. Am I allowed to do anything in this
house?
So
the emotional tsunami overtook me. I began getting rage filled. It's
since passed. But there was shouting, door slamming, my mom was
threatening to call police and my doctors. Now I just want peace
again but everyone's angry.
____
Andrew: I often get STRONG FEELINGS that my Dad (Papi) sexually abused me as a child.
Dr. Natural: Think of it as a metaphor. He may not have literally sexually abused you...
Andrew: (interrupting) He may not have touched me. But he did sexually abuse me in a way. He'd bully me and gets sadistic sexual pleasure from my suffering. Both in my childhood, and now. You're wrong if you deny this. It's TRUTH.
Dr. Natural: I don't know your Dad. So I can't comment. But it doesn't sound like he's a sexual predator.
Andrew: I saw my Dad this weekend for my birthday. He didn't take me to lunch, I had to beg him for $100 in cash, and he got me a bunch of shit I didn't want for my apartment (as a "gift") - like pop tarts, rice cakes, and chicken ramen noodles.
Dr. Natural: That sounds like a disappointing birthday.
Andrew: It was VERY DISAPPOINTING to say the least. As I looked at the chicken ramen noodles (after he left), I thought was this his way of calling me a coward? Chicken is another word for coward. Did it have a double meaning? Was he mocking me that I'm afraid to stand-up to him?. My thoughts got out of control.
Dr.
Natural: It's
predicate logic (which stems from rage and disappointment). He was
literally getting you chicken flavored noodles.
Andrew:
It's silly that these thoughts got worked up from looking at Chicken
Ramen Noodles. He's just an absentee, shit father - FACT!, NOT
a sadistic sexual predator.
Andrew: Well,
the next day I began to feel REALLY SICK. I threw up several times,
headache, stomachache, have no energy, all I want to do is sleep. I
think I had food poisoning (I'm better now)
I
began to fear, did my dad put Ricin (or poison) in the food
(since I ate some of it). Is my dad trying to silence me?
Then
I begin to realize how insane and absurd I sound. And I'm back to
normal now. My dad IS lacking as a father but he's NOT
satan.
____
Andrew: I
was wondering did the childhood bullies rape me as a child? Yes,
they'd bully me everyday at school. But I went to a sleepover where
they bullied me all night long.
Dr.
Natural: Even
if they never got sexual with you, the bullying they did was
sadistic, intense, and severe. It FEELS LIKE sexual abuse. And THIS
was what caused much of your mental illness.
Andrew: I
often get paranoid that The Swell BoyZ hang out with the bullies
behind my back. Basically, they're playing a joke on me. I just
texted them: "Don't hang out with them behind my back, because
they really hurt me." They claim they haven't spoken to them
since Middle School.
Dr.
Natural: Even
if the childhood bullies didn't literally rape you, their abuse was
so extreme they metaphorically raped you. And your mind gets
confused.
Andrew: I
need to apologize to my parents. Through psychiatry I learned the
TRUE "sexual abusers" are the childhood bullies.
(To
Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – MOTHER:
(Dr. Natural is my CBT Psychiatrist. I go to him for weekly sessions.)
Andrew: Hey, Dr. Natural.
I'm
so frustrated, I can barely function. I'm hoping someone's going to
come and rescue me, but nobody's coming. I need to meet people. But
I'm socially anxious, agoraphobic, and feel like a defective freak -
so I hide from the world. Then I get extremely irritated that I'm
alone.
Dr.
Natural: As I
know you know, when you are in a moment of less frustration, there
are in fact "people" out there trying to help you - your
mother, step-father, other family, myself.
Andrew: I understand that, but I post publicly on the internet: “If anyone's out there - can you help me, please? I'm in a hellish prison of frustration, and I can't seem to escape.” I’m hoping someone, like an ex-girlfriend, an old friend, an acquaintance, even a celebrity fairy-godmother (like Taylor Swift) will save me.
Dr. Natural: When you make an open appeal to anyone who might be listening, you are working the rescue angle again. Rather than do that, settle down, and do the work that will strengthen you emotionally.
Andrew: I find I often like to blame my mother for my struggles. Take dating for example. I like to believe my mother shames and has me in a metaphoric chastity belt.
Dr. Natural: Even if your mother literally had you in a chastity belt then took it off, you’d still have difficulty meeting women. Your struggles are internal, not maternal.
Andrew: I was chatting with some women on dating websites, then I was supposed to have a date with one TONIGHT. But I became too insecure and overwhelmed. I felt like a freak. So I canceled the date. Dating is too much pressure.
Dr. Natural: As you can see, that’s YOU, not your mother.
Andrew: In fact, my mother was ENCOURAGING me to go on the date. I don’t think I’m ready for dating. Maybe support group dating, but certainly not a blind date. I’d rather take an acting class at the community college, a comedy class, or go to the support group. It’s less pressure.
Dr. Natural: These are good ideas, Andrew.
Andrew: I want to go over to the community college and comedy club today, but I’m too anxious. So I ask my mom to drive me for support.
Dr. Natural: You need to do it yourself, drive yourself.
Andrew: To start a course at a community college or comedy club, they tell you about money – how much is it going to cost. And I feel like I need my mom there to understand this and pay for me.
Dr. Natural: That’s not realistic. Your mom is not working anymore, she’s retired.
Andrew: But I also feel too defective, and lets be honest, I don’t want to work as a Starbucks Barista, Supermarket Stock Clerk, Restaurant Waiter. I’d rather be an actor, photographer, doing comedy. Plus I have a BS in Business Management. I should be beyond the ground floor at 32 years old.
And I say my mom is preventing from doing it since she has the money.
Dr. Natural: To blame your mother is having a sense of entitlement. You need to make these things happen yourself.
Andrew: I guess it’s childish. So what do you recommend I do? I don’t know where to start, what to do, I become so overwhelmed I do nothing. Then I’m miserable in my room.
I guess go to the support group for now?
Dr. Natural: You have all the answers. You just need to do it.
Andrew: I need to pull the trigger, start the race.
Dr. Natural: I don’t like the pull the trigger analogy. It’s more like moving sand, erosion can occur. It’s not instantaneous recovery.
(Andrew finds it funny because he realizes why this analogy would upset his doctor)
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – SUPERMARKET JOB:
ACT 2:
Scene 1 – Dr. Natural's office:
Andrew: My mom does my medical insurance, controls my finances – and makes living independently feel SO overwhelming. What do you suggest I do?
Dr.
Natural: Maybe
ask your mom to teach you how to metaphorically “swim”, rather
than have her do it for you. Have you thought about a part-time job?
That might teach you responsibility.
Andrew:
Good idea!
Scene 2 – At Home (Mom and Andrew):
Mom: How was Dr. Natural this week, Andrew?
Andrew: Good. He scared me a little. He said I need to take charge of my life because if I don't, I'll be in a bad place when you get older.
Mom: I am older. I'm 65 years old.
Andrew: I didn't want to say, "when you're dead". That’s too blunt. So that's why I say, "when you're older."
Mom: We need to be the master and commander of our ship.
Andrew: That's exactly what Dr. Natural was trying to tell me. I'm not helpless without people doing things for me.
Mom: Sooo... What have you done?
Andrew: I applied to the Stop & Shop supermarket, and I have a job interview for a part-time stock/clerk position. Can you take me? It's tomorrow.
Mom: Yes. Remember, it's a stepping stone.
Andrew: I haven't even gone on the interview yet, and already don't want the job. I have a college degree. Plus I'm a genius. I’m SO overqualified for this position that it's ridiculous.
Mom: Andrew, you haven't worked in 8 years. You can't start out as the manager. And it might be for a manager's position. You don't know. Get dressed up well. And they may hire you for anything.
Andrew: I don't think this is an interview to be the manager of the store. And a Stock/Clerk is what I was doing when I was 20 years old, now I’m 32 years old.
Mom: Remain positive.
Andrew: You're right. It’s some money and something for the resume.
Mom: You don't want any more gaps in work history.
(Scene ends.)
Scene 3 – Interview (Mom and Andrew):
(Day of Stop and Shop interview - My mother and I get to the Supermarket an hour before the interview. I get dressed up in a suit, bring my resume, and letters of recommendation with me... plus I'm really handsome. I'm shining like a million dollars.)
(In car)
Mom: Don't forget to tell them you have to make less than $780 dollars a month since you don't want to lose your childhood disability status.
Andrew: Ok, I'll remember.
(I go inside around 11 am and ask the front desk)
Andrew: Would you like to interview me early?
Front desk employee (calls manager): The manager said: no, come back at 12.
Andrew: OK, see you in an hour.
(Back in the car with my my Mom for an hour, talking.)
Andrew: I was walking around, viewing the employees. I'm so overqualified that it's laughable and depressing.
Mom: Stop it. You're sounding grandiose again. You're not Mr. Rockstar. You need to start at the bottom.
Andrew: I'm overdressed for this interview too. I'm probably the best-dressed person within 10 miles of here (at least), that includes this store.
Mom: It's better to be overdressed than under-dressed.
Andrew: Most people wear blue jeans and a button down shirt for stock job interviews.
Mom: What if they’re so impressed and they offer you a manager's job position.
Andrew: You're right.
(I walk inside the supermarket at 12 pm. I had to wait a long time for the manager in the break room because she was doing something else. I was observing all the employees. I felt SO BEYOND this.
When the manager finally came to retrieve me, she didn’t even know who I was.
She was a sloppy, overweight woman in her early late 30’s)
Manager: “Alex?”
Andrew: No, my name is Andrew.
(she went looking for my paperwork. I realized I'm in a suit and the store manager is dressed like a bum.
She couldn’t find my “Stop & Shop” paperwork.)
Manager: Do you even have an interview?”
Andrew: Someone called me, and told me to come in on Monday at 12. Would you like a copy of my resume? It has all my information on there.
(She rolled her eyes, and said to some random employee behind me: “really?!” - as in what I’m saying is absurd.
I quickly realized I wouldn't be needing my college letters of recommendation.)
Manager: I still can't find you. Are you sure you applied?
Andrew: I'm pretty sure. (but even I'm questioning it now).
Manager: Wait, I found you, come in.
Andrew: Awesome.
Manager: I'm so disorganized (laughs).
(The interview went well. I was nervous but came across great - SO OVERQUALIFIED!
I was hoping she'd offer me an assistant manager position since I have a Bachelor of Science in Business Management.)
I’d do part time or full time depending on the position.
Manager: Well, the position we are interviewing you for is a part-time position. You’d work filling up ends and working with trucks. (Stock)
(It seemed like she was distracted with something else the whole interview. It was like she didn’t care. At one point she was on the phone placing her food order. But she seemed impressed by me. It was like I was hired before the interview even began.)
(After getting hired, I said:)
Andrew: But one thing, I have to make under $780 dollars a month.
Manager: How many hours is that?
Andrew: 16 – 20 hours.
Manager: Let’s wait on the paperwork now. We’ll have to see. Call back Friday or Saturday.
(Back in the car with my mom.)
Mom: How did the interview go?
Andrew: I was practically hired. She might as well have said, "here's your uniform start right now."
Mom: Great...
Andrew: But I have bad news. I may have blown it by mentioning the $780 dollar thing. She said to call Friday or Saturday. I don’t know if that means I didn’t get the job. But I HAD to tell them. Perhaps I should have said it differently.
(My mom was very annoyed with me the car ride home.)
Andrew: It wasn’t my dream job.
(She agreed and calmed down.)
Mom: I just want you back in the real world, so badly.
Scene 4 – Work:
(Calls the manager of Stop & Shop on Friday to see if I was hired as a Stock / Clerk, as she instructed).
(Over the phone)
Andrew: Hello, it's...
Manager: Alex?
Andrew: No, my name is Andrew.
Manager: Right... Right... Sorry. (Laughs).
Andrew: What's my status? As you know, I have to make less than $780 dollars a month, which is 16- 20 hours a week.
Manager: After some consideration, I decided you have the job! Can you start tomorrow? We really need people.
Andrew: Yes, I'll see you tomorrow.
(Hangs up my cell phone)
Mom: What happened?
Andrew: I have the job. I start tomorrow at 1 pm.
(Saturday. A montage begins of my first and only day at Stop & Shop.)
Most of the stock crew is a decade younger than me. There are some punk kids in the back room who are making fun of me, an older employee told me "don't do drugs."
It's a labor job and the work is very difficult. It's backbreaking.
A (customer) was really nasty to me and began flipping out, "where's the bread?". Long story short, I found the bread with a smile on my face.
I saw customers, including a woman I used to go to college with, and I felt SO EMBARRASSED. She's now working as an accountant. I'm a 32-year-old stock clerk. I used to feel important like I was on the same level as these people (when I was in college). Now I'm at a dead end, going nowhere job.
I accidentally went slightly over 15 minutes on my break. Let's say I did 20 minutes. I did it because I ran across the parking lot to Dunkin Donuts for some coffee. When I came back a jerk male manager, who is at least 5 years younger than me, started lecturing me about only taking 15-minute breaks when you work 4 hours. I apologized to the manager with a smile on my face. But I was thinking that I’m too old for this nonsense.
So I left Stop & Shop in the middle of my shift, on my first day, without telling anyone.
(Montage ends)
(Arrives home early)
Mom: Sooo... How did it go?
Andrew: I left. I couldn't work there. It hurt my pride working there.
Mom: WHAT?! You're a f****** idiot, Andrew. You ruin every day.
(she throws bread at me)
Andrew: I couldn't deal with stock. I felt above it.
Mom: You're sounding grandiose.
Andrew: Leave me alone, Mom. Perhaps not wanting to be there was depression. Because I’m VERY sad now.
Mom: Don't be sad, Andrew. Are you feeling ok?
Andrew: Yes. I'll talk to Dr. Natural about it tomorrow.
Mom: Just know, I'm not a millionaire. If you don’t change and don’t stop finding something wrong with every job, you'll wind up in a half-way house or something where the state takes care of you. Do you want that?
Andrew: No, I don't want that.
Mom: I can't support you forever and I'm scared for you.
Andrew: I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
Mom: Goodnight, Andrew.
Scene 5 – Dr. Natural:
(scene starts mid-session with Dr. Natural).
Dr. Natural: How did Stop & Shop go?
Andrew: I quit.
Dr. Natural: Quit?.
Andrew: I felt humiliated and ashamed. Plus, quite simply, I didn’t feel like working. I want so much better for my life.
Dr. Natural: It's temporary, merely a stepping stone.
Andrew: I walked out in the middle of my first day, didn't tell anyone, drove home, and I'm never going back. I'm going to stop answering their calls and will delete their voicemails.
Dr. Natural: It sounds like you are running away from life and the real world. I think you should answer the calls and explain yourself.
Andrew: I SHOULD. But I won't. I'm too embarrassed and scared now. Stop & Shop was a self-fulfilled prophecy. I went in there with a negative attitude thinking I was going to hate it, and I did.
Dr. Natural: It's like the old saying goes, a negative mind will never give you a positive life.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – SEXUAL FRUSTRATION:
ACT 3:
Scene 1 – Attempting Sex:
(Flashback to when Andrew was a 24 year old virgin – Year 2012)
(After being hospitalized 6 TIMES (in 2011), and put on tons of medication, Andrew is BROKEN. Andrew has his first girlfriend (in 2012), but when he attempts sex – couldn’t get an erection. It’s HUMILIATING! She didn’t understand and thought it was her.
After she leaves Andrew begins chatting with his mother)
Andrew: (panicked and frustrated) Mom, I attempted to have sex but I couldn’t get an erection. I need to do something, and SOON, since there probably will be a next time.
Mom: It’s most likely the psych medications you’re on, talk to Dr. Arrogant, at the recovery group.
Scene 2 – Dr. Arrogant Appointment:
(Andrew’s court ordered to take medication since he was non-compliant in 2011, he begins chatting with Dr. Arrogant (the state assigned recovery group psychiatrist.))
Andrew:
Dr. Arrogant, I was attempting to have sex for the first time. It was
a big moment for me. But I was having difficulty getting an erection.
Also, when I masturbate, I
struggle to maintain an erection, little fluid comes out when I
ejaculate. I’m like a dead fish.
I’m
certain this is medication related. It correlates with starting the
Risperdal.
Can I come down on
some of these medications?
Dr. Arrogant: You can not come down on the medications. Human sexuality is a complex thing. Perhaps your psyching yourself out. Perhaps it’s not the medications.
Andrew: I’m certain it’s the meds. Am I just supposed to not have sex?
Dr.
Arrogant: There is nothing I can do. Go to your primary care
physician and ask for Viagra.
(I’m
thinking to myself: Dr. Arrogant views me as just another patient and
doesn’t really care.)
Scene 3 – Primary Care Physician:
(It’s really embarrassing when I have to go to a new doctor for the first time, other than a psychologist or psychiatrist, and they ask me: “what medications are you on?” And I have to give them a huge laundry list of psychiatric medications.
I went to my Primary Care Physician, and the 20-something-year-old nurse enters the room, she asks)
Nurse: What’s your age?
Andrew: 24 years old.
Nurse: Weight?
Andrew: 155 lbs.
Nurse: Are you sexually active?
Andrew: Umm, not sure.
Nurse: Do you have any STD's or STI's?
Andrew: Not that I'm aware of.
(After asking me many "normal" questions, THEN she asks...)
Nurse: What medications are you on?
Andrew: I start giving her the EXTREMELY LONG LIST.
Andrew: (after listing 10 medications, I make a joke) This is humiliating.
Nurse: It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
(But I feel like she’s judging me, looking at me like I’m crazy.)
Andrew: (after listen 1,000 medications) That’s all. You see, it’s not that much.
Nurse: Great. I have more questions for you.
(I’m thinking thank God the medication questions are finished. But then...)
Nurse: Are you bipolar?
Andrew: Yes.
Nurse: Do you suffer from major depression?
Andrew: Yes.
Nurse: Have you ever been hospitalized?
Andrew: Yes.
Nurse: For what reasons have you been hospitalized?
Andrew: For psychiatric reasons.
Nurse: Why are you here today?
Andrew: Sexual function issues.
(The nurse experience was humiliating, she leaves the room, and says...)
Nurse: The doctor will be with your shortly.
(A few moments later, the doctor comes in.)
Doctor: According to the nurse, you’re having sexual function issues? How old are you?
Andrew: I’m 24 years old.
Doctor: It’s not typical for someone your age to be getting this. Describe what’s wrong.
Andrew: I've been having difficulty getting erections, hard to maintain and ejaculate, and very little fluid comes out. It’s probably all the psych meds I’m on.
Doctor: You should really talk with your PSYCHIATRIST about this.
Andrew: He told me to come HERE.
(No one wants to address this and it’s so frustrating.
Thankfully, he prescribed Cialis and Viagra.)
Scene 4 – Sex – Take 2:
I
take a Viagra before my girlfriend arrives, and attempt sex yet
again. I’m under a lot of pressure to perform. I manage to get an
erection and succeed this time. I’m no longer a virgin. Yay. I
still have issues with the fluid, though.
After
all I’ve been through, hospitalizations, depression, doctors, and
waiting this long for sex.
I thought: That’s it?! That’s all sex is?! I expected it to be a grandiose, life-changing moment. I thought it’d make me a man. Instead, it was a lot like masturbation. I’m exactly the same.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay - The Sexual Abuse Delusion:
(At my weekly Dr. Natural appointment in Brooklyn)
Me: As you know, Dr. Natural, I've been working on a screenplay to help and educate people with mental illness. I want it to partially be a comedy. But I also don't want to make fun of mental illness, and make the character a joke - like Borat or Dumb and Dumber. I want the character to be inspirational and empowering.
Dr. Natural: Several years ago, when my son was ten years old, he convinced me that all the kids were watching Borat. So I took him to see the movie. I was horrified.
Me: That movies not for kids. It can negatively affect kids too and put thoughts in their head. I remember listening to the radio show Opie and Anthony with my dad when I was really young. They're edgy radio shock jokes. There was an episode where people were talking about having sex with animals (dogs), and someone said it was like enhanced masturbation.
Me: After hearing that episode in 2002, I decided to try it. It was the worst mistake of my life. It was so traumatic. Do you think I have PTSD from the dog sin?
Dr. Nature: You have many traumatic experiences. But it doesn't sound like PTSD.
____
(Giving my dad the morning call while I'm in the bathroom)
(I dial his number, and begin to get angry because I'm always calling him. He never calls me. I start to wonder: does he even want to talk with me.)
Papi (Dad): Hey buddy buddy. I was watching pro wrestling last night and I saw the crazy wrestling character.
Me: Yea, Bray Wyatt. Most of the time he's happy-go-lucky, but when he gets angry he transforms into a serial killer-like monster.
Papi (Dad): It's like he duping people with his nice persona.
Me: No, I think his emotions overtake him then he becomes crazy.
Me (Thinking): My dad's in his 60's. It's absurd we're arguing about a pro wrestling character.
Me (Thinking): Also, does what my dad says have a double meaning? Is he a monster who's duping me and living a double-life? He's absentee and neglectful.
Me: Sunday's your birthday, Dad. Can we get Rodizio (restaurant)?
Papi (Dad): I don't know, buddy buddy. It's 35 dollars per person. Why don't we get a slice of pizza instead?
Me (Thinking): I saw my dad with a wallet full of 20 dollar bills. My Dad probably goes out and spends all his money on himself, and his friends. But he complains about spending $10 on me once a week.
(My thoughts and emotions overtake me like a tsunami)
____
(A Dr. Natural appointment later that day)
Me: Hey Dr. Natural, I'm starting to believe my father sexually abused and raped me as a child.
Maybe it's a metaphor (like you say). Maybe it's frustrations and disappointment with him. Then the emotions over take me. It FEELS LIKE sexual abuse and rape, but it's really him being an atrocious father... Or, is it real and my parents are gaslighting me?
Dr. Natural: Not now, or as you have believed this in the past, is there any evidence for these fantasies. These are thoughts born of painful feelings, not facts.
Me: Then my thoughts escalate, I start to wonder: why did he sexually abuse and rape me? Could a rockstar (like Billy Joel) be my biological father?
Me: Thankfully, I've come out of this emotion tsunami using your techniques. I no longer believe it. I'm back to normal.
Dr Natural: How can it be that any alleged sexual abuse reflexively implies celebrity status lineage or imminent discovery by a celebrity? Most childhood abuse does not have positive ramifications. Let alone entrez into the ranks of the celebrities. If your conviction of the abuse entails a celebrity angle then you should know that it is self-propagated.
Me: That makes sense, too. Obviously, I don't want to go back up on Invega. The adverse effects have been better.
Dr. Natural: If you don't want Dr. Stephen Strange to increase your medications fight these delusional fantasies off with my techniques.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic
Screenplay - Medication:
(Right
now, I'm at home in the prison-like Hellish Home Environment. My
mom's on the phone
with my Aunt Cathy and
I overhear her entire conversation from my mom's side)
Mom (to my aunt): Andrew's 32 years old, and never leaves the house. You're lucky you have grand-kids. I don't think I'll ever have grand-kids.
(They continue gossiping about all the relatives)
(5 minutes later my mom starts talking about doctors)
Mom (to my aunt): My doctor increased my medication, and it's so mind numbing. I don't think I'm going to take it.
(After talking for an hour, she hangs up the phone - I walk in the room)
Me (to my mom): I overheard you saying your medications are "mind numbing".
Mom: They are.
Me: I'm on much more medication than you. How do you think I feel taking all this stuff?
Mom: I'm sorry.
Me: It's very insensitive and bothers me a lot. Please think before you say that.
(A few weeks later she says it again, and again, and again.)
It’s ignorant of her. Although when I bring it to her attention, she apologizes. So that's good I guess.
____
(At a Dr.
Natural appointment in Brooklyn)
Me: I believe the home environment is making me sick. Our dog, Kiley, is an energetic puppy. My parents were talking about medicating her. It's what puppies do, they're hyper! Like Kiley, I'm sick because I'm home all day, and I'm being medicated because of it.
Dr. Natural: The reason you're home all day isn't your mom's fault. The doors wide open. Your chains are internal, not material.
Me: I suppose. But when I'm out my mom's constantly calling and texting me. Worried. She wants me home, safe and sound.
Dr. Natural: She's concerned. She's a mother. And you want to be home, safe and sound too. She's not the bane of your existence.
(5 minutes later, we begin talking about medication)
Me: I'm frustrated with being lobotomy man, walking around lobotomized. I'm 50 % while everyone else is 100%. I'm skim milk while everyone else is whole milk.
Dr. Natural: Yes, the medications have been referred to as a "chemical lobotomy."
Me: And there are so many side effects.
Dr. Natural: It sounds very frustrating.
Me: I've been on a mega regimen since 2011, it's now 2019. I'm afraid the medicines will give me cancer.
Dr. Natural: Although they're unnatural, there's a lot of research done. There's no evidence of this.
Me: When I expressed my concern to Dr Strange (my psychopharmacologist), he said:
(Flashback:
Me (to Dr. Strange): The websites I’m reading say psychiatric medications cause cancer. Do they?
Dr. Stephen Strange: I think it is the opposite. Ongoing mental instability is pro-inflammatory and is also disruptive to T-cell function. The meds have no known carcinogenic effect but unstable mood disorders and concomitant disruption of immunosurveilance is associated with increased spread of for instance Breast Cancer (see Spiegel UCSF).
Flashback
over)
(Back in Dr. Natural's office)
Me: Dr. Strange believes inflammation in the brain from mental instability causes cancer, and there's no evidence of meds causing cancer. But then again, meds are unnatural. And of course a psychopharmacologist isn't going to say they do.
Dr. Natural: It's no secret I don't advocate for medication, but shoes are unnatural and they protect our feet. Glasses are unnatural and they correct our vision.
Me: I want to live a long, full life. But I suspect this is going to end with me developing some form of life-threatening cancer, and I'll be unable to prove it comes from the meds.
Dr. Natural: Let's hope not. And this sounds like hypochondria again.
Me: In Dr. Strange's defense, the medications have also kept me stable and healthy. I once heard a Born Again Christian say, you need to accept the necessity of God like you accepted medication. I guess I need to accept I need medications.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay - The Swell BoyZ:
(I created The Swell BoyZ, Saul Lipton and Johnathan Foggy as throwaway characters based on my friends. They're single men, in their 30's, who like to go to sports bars. They drink beer, eat chicken wings, watch the game, and checkout ladies. They're a bit like "Dumb and Dumber" and "Beavis and Butthead", while Andrew's a genius like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys, he feels alone around them, and is unaware it's abnormal to have friends like "Saul and Foggy")
The Swell BoyZ arrive at Buffalo Wild Wings
(A waitress comes over the the table)
Waitress: Are you ready to order?
Saul: What are your beer specials? I want your cheapest, largest beer.
Waitress: That's a blue moon.
Saul: Give me that! And can I get medium hot wings?
Foggy (trying to out-do Saul): Hot?! Guess what? Same order as Saul, except I want my wings Blazin'.
Waitress: You realize that's VERY SPICY.
Foggy (winking at the waitress like he's impressing her): I'm trying to build up my spicy food tolerance.
Waitress (turns to me): And what would you like to order, sir?
Me: Just a water and small boneless sweet wings.
(Saul and Foggy look at each other when I order like I'm not "tough")
(Waitress leaves)
Me: Hey Saul and Foggy
Saul: Yeah bro?
Me: I'm working on a tragedy / comedy about my life. I created two exaggerated characters based on you guys. When we act it out at a support group I go to, you get the biggest laughs.
Saul: Wow, that awesome you included us in your play.
Foggy: I too am honored.
(5 minutes later)
Me: I was watching professional wrestling last night, and a wrestler called another wrestler, a "beta male cuck."
Saul (laughing): That really funny. Of the three of us, who'd be the "beta male cuck?"
Me (joking): Obviously, that's Foggy.
Foggy (annoyed): That's ok, beta is number two. You'd be the...
Me (quickly interrupting): ...and I'd be the alpha (I say that to protect myself from getting bullied)
Saul: That's cute, obviously I'm the alpha (implying I'm the Omega since I submit to everyone)
Me (thinking): Why is there such shame in not being "tough"?
(Waitress comes over with food)
Waitress: Here's your order.
(Foggy's trying to act tough, eating his spicy wings, and we're all laughing at him because he's suffering)
Me: I don't understand why anyone would order their wings that spicy. It doesn't even seem enjoyable.
(5 minutes later)
Me: Do you see all these waiters? I don’t understand how someone can serve Donald Trump at a restaurant without spitting in his drink.
Saul: Bro, I personally like Donald Trump. MAGA! But I'd spit in Joe Biden's drink, or Bernie Sanders' drink, or some CEO's drink.
Foggy: You'd get fired for spitting in someones drink, Andrew.
Me: I wouldn't literally spit in someones drink. It's a metaphor. My point is, it's aggravating he lives his pleasant and luxurious life, while they’re working like slaves. I don’t see how anybody can serve a rich person.
Foggy: People need money. It's a necessary evil.
Saul: Bro, I do construction and often work at wealthy peoples home. I go through their medicine cabinets when using their bathroom.
Me: That's horrible to know. When construction workers are at my house, I get paranoid they urinate in my mouthwash, or clean their butt with my toothbrush.
Saul: It happens more than you realize. I also take things from the house.
Me: That happened to me too. Someone stole my expensive, 300 dollar hockey jersey that was lying in plain sight.
Foggy: ...and there's nothing you can do?
Me: I can't prove anyone took it, but I KNOW they did.
Me: Back on the topic of being "slaves to the rich", if we were born 100 years ago, would we be working in a sweatshop, for no pay, with no escape?
Saul: Probably bro.
Me: That's why it annoys me to hear Donald Trump say he “worked hard” to get where he is. He got lucky, there are many people who never had a chance for a future.
Saul: Wow, this is some mind-blowing, philosophical stuff.
Foggy: It totally is!
Me: It also infuriates me when people in positions of power (like CEO's), make ignorant comments about their workers. They say, their workers are “lazy”.
Foggy: The other employees at the supermarket I work at say I'm "lazy" and "don't work hard". Then again, I sit around all day and let the other employees do my work. That's why union jobs are great!
Me: My point is, I know so many people who work harder than the rich. Like the guy in the coal mine, or the steal mill, even the guy at the local coffee shop. Hell, you probably work harder than Trump, Foggy.
Foggy (laughing): At least someone's calling me a hard worker.
Me: If you are born into the lower class, you remain in the lower class. Class mobility is rare. It’s so stupid that money gives people power. It’s nothing. It’s just paper. We need to wake up and realize this!
Saul: Wow, you sound brilliant, Andrew.
Me: I know, I'm a genius.
Saul: I can tell!
Foggy:
I just realized something, this is a great way to meet women. Let's
approach some ladies and try talking about social mobility and all
this stuff.
Me: Definitely do it, Foggy.
(Foggy walks up to an attractive woman at the sports bar)
Foggy: Hey cutie.
Attractive women: Hello.
Foggy: I hate that we're enslaved by the wealthy.
Attractive woman: What the hell are you talking about?
Foggy: The 1% are EVIL.
Attractive woman (rolling her eyes): Come up with a better pick-up line next time. Bye bye.
Foggy (still trying): Do you like fanny packs?
Attractive woman: Bartender, can you get this man away from me?
(Foggy slips her his number on a piece of paper then walks away)
(Foggy back at our table)
Saul: What happened, Foggy?
Me: Yeah, how'd it go?
Foggy: I think she likes me, I gave her my number. She'll probably call or text soon.
Saul: That's awesome, bro.
Foggy: See Andrew, that's all you have to do to meet a woman.
Me (amazed): Maybe someday I'll be able to meet women like you.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay - Psychosocial Clubhouse:
(Andrew arrives at Organic Hospital in Brooklyn for his weekly session with Dr. Natural)
Me: Good morning, Dr Natural. Lately I feel like you and Dr. Stephen Strange (psychofarmocologist) are my best friends.
Dr. Natural: That’s fairly common amongst people who are socially isolated.
Me: I feel like you get me, understand me - I desperatly would like to meet a friend in the real world. Ideally, a woman.
Dr. Natural: It’s important for us to be professional as your doctor’s.
Me: So you can be friendly, but not my friend?
Dr. Natural: Right! So I can give you a neutral unbiased opinion.
Me: Years ago, I used to have a friend who’d act like my therapist. I joked my mom should stop paying my doctor’s and just pay him.
Dr. Natural: That’s be a very bad decision since he’s not a trained professional.
Me: It became very unhealthy and toxic. Our friendship ultimately ended.
Me: Since that friendship, which was over a decade ago, I’ve had no real friends.
Dr. Natural: I understand your desire for friendship. I know of this psychosocial clubhouse in NYC. You can potentially meet friends with similar interests there.
Me: Ok, I’ll try the psychosocial clubhouse.
____
(Andrew takes the train to NYC with his mom and Papi (who are divorced). It’s like a fun adventure to Andrew.
They arrive at the psychosocial clubhouse.
Andrew speaks with the psychatrist at the clubhouse.
At first the doctor seems surprised that Andrew has a severe mental illness because he presents so normally, but after a discussion they come to the conclusion I belong here.
____
(Andrew’s first day at the psychosocial clubhouse by himself)
Andrew talks the walking route to Hell’s Kitchen for the first time alone. He walks because he’s scared of the subway. Andrew arrives and is extremely frustrated by the clubhouse. He feels he doesn’t belong here, stays for 5 minutes, and calls his mom on the cell phone:
Me: Mom, I hate the clubhouse. It’s horrible. I’m coming home.
Mom: What are you talking about?! You have to stay.
Me: I can’t. I don’t belong here.
Mom (yelling): You have to, Andrew. You’re an asshole, you ruin everyday.
Me: I’m coming home.
Mom: You’ll just sit in your bedroom all week long…
(Then I hang up)
____
After many failed attempts to meet friend at the psychosocial clubhouse, Andrew finally succeeds.
However, Andrew’s mom complains he’s spending too much money with his friends in NYC. It’s like a catch-22. Does she want me to stay home, be sick, and spend no money? Or go into NYC, be social, but spend?
Andrew feels with his art, he should be making the big bucks. He feels he’s a better artist than Opie and Anthony, Jim Norton, Ryan Reynolds, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga. Basically, he feels he’s the greatest artist that’s ever existed.
(The screenplay will end with Andrew finally coming out of the chaotic home environment thanks to getting a social life. Although he’s really upset about the lost time, he’s also happy that he can start living his life independently)
Comedic Screenplay - Reducing Meds:
Andrew arrives at Dr Stephen Strange’s office with his mother and father for his monthly Psychopharmacology appointment, hoping to reduce his mega regimen of psychiatric medication.
As usual, the waiting room is a nightmare and he has to wait over an hour for his name to be called. Thankfully his parents are there to entertain him somewhat. There’s only so many times you can check social media on your phone - Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram again, and again, and again.
Andrew’s finally summoned into his appointment.
Me: Dr Strange, I’m concerned about being on this mega regimen of medication. Could it cause cancer?
Dr. Strange: It’s more likely that not taking medication would cause cancer due to inflammation, not the other way around.
(I’m thinking of course a Psychopharmacologist will feel and believe this)
Me: I’ve been doing so well. If possible, would I be able to come down on my medication?
Dr. Strange: Have you been getting any delusions recently?
Me: Well, I still feel Billy Joel is my biological father and that’s the reason my parents sadistically tortured me.
Dr. Strange: We’re still seeing symptoms and smoulderings, so I wouldn’t advise reducing medication.
Me: But I’m have sexual function issues, along with many other adverse side effects.
Dr. Strange: I suppose we can slightly reduce the Invega and watch you closely. Let’s call your parents in the room
(Parents enter the room)
Me: Hey, mom. I think we’re going to slightly lower the Invega.
Mom: I don’t think this is wise, Dr. Strange. Andrew’s been really nasty, confused, and irritable at home.
Dr. Strange: Ok, let’s stay on the current regimen and re-visit in a month.
(Andrew’s beginning to feel like his life is one big broken record.)
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay – Beginning And End:
My screenplay will begin with me making a sensational video, in my underwear, wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, screaming like a lunatic "the government is spying on me because I speak the TRUTH." I'm joking, playing a conspiracy theorist gimmick to go viral / get famous, but it's also insane, me at peak craziness.
Then I narrate (from an unseen future): "I wasn't always this crazy. To make sense of how I got into this situation let's rewind, shall we?"
The story begins with me being a normal, timid, shy kid whose parents get divorced. I'm severely bullied in Middle School. There's much tragedy.
After going through the entire screenplay, we finally reach this sensational video scene again (underwear, mask, conspiracy). I narrate, "...and how did I recover?" It wasn't from a viral video and a celebrity discovering me (as I invested years into dreaming about). I began venturing out into the real world, meeting friends at the psychosocial clubhouse.
____
During one session with Dr. Natural (session begins):
Me: Good morning, Dr. Natural. Lately, I feel like you and Dr. Stephen Strange (psychopharmacologist) are my best friends.
Dr. Natural: That’s fairly common amongst people who are socially isolated.
Me: I feel like you get me, understand me - I desperately would like to meet a friend in the real world. Ideally, a woman.
Dr. Natural: It’s important for us to be professional as your doctor’s.
Me: So you can be friendly, but not my friend?
Dr. Natural: Right! So I can give you a neutral unbiased opinion.
Me: Years ago, I used to have a friend who’d act as my therapist. I joked my mom should stop paying my doctor’s and just pay him.
Dr. Natural: That’d be a very bad decision since he’s not a trained professional.
Me: It became very unhealthy and toxic. Our friendship ultimately ended.
Me: Since that friendship, which was over a decade ago, I’ve had no real friends.
Dr. Natural:
I understand your desire for friendship. I know of this psychosocial
clubhouse in NYC. You can potentially meet friends with similar
interests there.
Me: Ok, I’ll try the
psychosocial clubhouse.
____
(Andrew
takes the train to NYC with his mom and Papi (who are divorced). It’s
like a fun adventure to Andrew.
They arrive at the psychosocial clubhouse.
Andrew speaks with the psychiatrist at the clubhouse.
At first, the doctor seems surprised that Andrew has a severe mental illness because he presents so normally, but after a discussion, they come to the conclusion he belongs there.
____
(Andrew’s
first day at the psychosocial clubhouse by himself)
Andrew talks
the walking route to Hell’s Kitchen for the first time alone. He
walks because he’s scared of the subway. Andrew arrives and is
extremely frustrated by the clubhouse. He feels he doesn’t belong
here, stays for 5 minutes, and calls his mom on the cell phone:
Me: Mom,
I hate the clubhouse. It’s horrible. I’m coming home.
Mom:
What are you talking about?! You have to stay.
Me: I can’t. I don’t belong here.
Mom (yelling): You have to, Andrew. You’re an asshole, you ruin every day.
Me: I’m coming home.
Mom:
You’ll just sit in your bedroom all week long…
(Then I hang
up)
____
After many
failed attempts to meet a friend at the psychosocial clubhouse,
Andrew finally succeeds.
However, Andrew’s mom complains he’s spending too much money with his friends in NYC. It’s like a catch-22. Does she want me to stay home, be sick, and spend no money? Or go into NYC, be social, but spend?
Andrew feels with his art, he should be making the big bucks. He feels he’s a better artist than Opie and Anthony, Jim Norton, Ryan Reynolds, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga. Basically, he feels he’s the greatest artist that’s ever existed. (delusions of grandeur)
____
The screenplay will end with Andrew finally coming out of the chaotic home environment, thanks to getting a social life.
It's not all rainbows and butterflies, there're many obstacles Andrew has to overcome in the real world. Like, fear people are sadistic bullies even after proving they're friends (monster behind a mask). Hypochondria (stepping on "a needle"). In some ways, Andrew wants to retreat back into his bedroom and hide from the world (safe and sound), but he's also having to most fun of his life.
In the end, Andrew succeeds, by working hard, meeting friends, and taking control in the REAL WORLD. Although he’s really upset about the lost time, he’s also happy that he can start living his life independently.
(To Be Continued)
Recap: from September 2016 - July / August 2019, Andrew's life is HELL. He's a 32-year-old, disabled man-child, with a severe mental illness, who is being taken care of by his parents. His parents control his money, bills. They do everything for him.
He's home ALL DAY LONG with his mom and stepdad. Wasting time, with no meaningful friendships or purpose. All he does is see doctors and post on the internet.
He's irritated by his parents. Blames them for being the bane of his existence, the ones who are sabotaging his life. In truth, Andrew is frustrated by his status in life. He blames all his shortcomings and inadequacies on them. The household is chaos, they're constant verbal fights. His psychopharmacologist calls it a "powder keg."
Since there's no one to talk to, Andrew begins living in fantasy and daydreams. Over time, it becomes delusions. Andrew loses touch with reality.
Although Andrew should've been working, saving money since he was 18 years old, preparing for his parent's departure. He's convinced he can take a shortcut to subvert the problem. Andrew thinks his ticket to freedom and superstardom is sensational social media posts. Epic videos, blog posts, and twitter posts. He'll go viral on the internet, then all his posts will go viral like a chain reaction, then he'll be instantaneously rich and famous - a Hollywood Superstar.
Doctors, family, and friends tell Andrew he's having delusions of grandeur. But Andrew thinks they can't see the BRILLIANCE of what he's doing. He thinks his art is amazing and everyone is underestimating his GENIUS!
The social media posts prevent Andrew from slipping into a deep depression. He lets off frustration, feels validated, and heard. It also feeds his delusions of grandeur. He imagines there are undercover bosses viewing him, developing a screenplay. He's going to be in an epic sitcom, in Hollywood movies.
In fact, he also believes he's already famous. MINT (the pop star diva) has been secretly watching him. And when he gets well mentally, they'll create the epic movie together. He's imagining there will be a fairy tale. MINT will arrive and say. "I know how much you've suffered, Andrew. But I'm madly in love with you. I'm your savior." Like a Genie in a bottle.
With that said, most of his videos get 5 or so views. The likelihood that MINT or a major motion picture company, like Disney, Universal, or Paramount is secretly viewing him is very unrealistic (to put it lightly).
All human beings want to be loved. We can’t function without love – if lacking we become sick and mentally ill. Yes, Andrew's parents love him. But that’s exactly what happened to him. Growing up, he had no friends or girlfriends (because he was bullied in school). The “friends” he had betrayed him and abandoned him. Since he was alone in his head constantly, he began daydreaming, fantasizing, embellishing reality. He could no longer distinguish between fantasy and reality.
He started imaging people love him, like women from college, people from the past, even celebrities (MINT). To the outside observer, he looks COMPLETELY CRAZY. But the truth is he just wants to be loved.
Needless to say, Andrew is on the path to DOOM when his mother can no longer provide for him because he has no money saved in the bank. It's an illusion of security, but the illusion will shatter. And he's living in delusion, fantasy, and psychosis.
Some progress happens in July 2019, Andrew movies into his apartment-like area, an extension attached to his parent's house. He calls it the "Maniac Man Cave." There he has a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, peace, and quiet from his mom and stepdad. But he's still dependent on them. They're providing it because Andrew's not working, he couldn't afford it without them.
He gets horrifying panic attacks that his mom's intentionally setting him up for doom when she goes away. She’s INTENTIONALLY making him dependent on her, giving him minimal money to spend, not letting him save anything to nefariously sabotage his life. It’s a delusion, his mom loves him. Why would she create the Maniac Man Cave?
These delusions distract Andrew from forward motion. It's easier to BLAME MOM. But his chains are internal, not maternal. And daydreams won’t protect him from the horrifying truth, that when his parents go away, it’ll be a rude awakening. He'll probably create new fantasies to protect himself from the new hell.
Then in August 2019, a miracle happens, Andrew meets Amanda at the psychosocial clubhouse.
She is several years older than Andrew. In her mid 40's, while Andrew is 32 years old. But Andrew starts to have the best days of his life with her.
Dr. Natural says she's the best thing to happen to Andrew in YEARS, if ever.
At first, Andrew thinks she's sent by MINT, she's undercover, watching him, preparing him for THE EPIC MOVIE. But he also knows the truth about her too, she's a kind woman who is suffering from a severe mental illness like him. Andrew's Double Bookkeeping.
They begin having so much fun together, meeting other friends too. She is the first real friend of Andrew's life.
They have similar interests, photography, videography, performance art, acting, and comedy. She's pushing him to accomplish his goals.
Andrew is beginning to get a grasp on reality, coming out of his inner-fantasyland.
However, Andrew gets horrifying panic attacks that she's PRETENDING to be his friend, but will transform into a SADISTIC BULLY. The monster behind an innocent mask phenomenon.
Although Andrew loves his friend the majority of the time. This rapid delusional mood swings from this person is the best friend of my life, to she's COMPLETELY EVIL (panic attacks), then back to best friend, hurts his ability to have meaningful relationships because most people don't understand his mind.
They prove to each other how they love each other, are loyal friends. Andrew begins to heal, love, and trust again. Soon, he stops getting the horrifying panic attacks about her.
August 2019 - March 2020 are some of the best days of Andrew's life. Things FINALLY start to improve, then THE CORONAVIRUS! (March 2020 - PRESENT):
According to Dr. Natural, socialization and friendships are the keys to recovery, and so much progress was getting made. But a global pandemic happens, and now Andrew's socially distanced and isolated. Andrew stops seeing Amanda (since she lives in NYC), is never around his parents (quarantining) - he's alone in his head ALL DAY LONG in the Maniac Man Cave. Unfortunately, there’s no end to this NIGHTMARE in sight.
Thankfully, he texts, calls, and Zoom chats with Amanda, parents, friends from the psychosocial clubhouse. But it's not the same as in-person love.
The line between fantasy and reality becomes blurred once again, then he loses touch with reality.
The Hollywood Superstar social media posts begin again in full force.
It goes to show how life is unpredictable. Andrew lost his entire life up until 32 years old to mental illness. Just when things start to look positive and optimistic... the Coronavirus happens. Life sucks, then we die.
Hopefully, good days are coming again... hopefully.
(To Be Continued)
___________
My screenplay begins in January 2017 when I first meet Dr. Natural. I’m told he’s the best in the business but didn’t grasp anyone could truly understand me.
Before meeting him, I had years of trauma - social isolation, no friends, no girlfriend, no money, dependent man-child. Which led to psychotic breaks and hospitalizations.
I was home all day long, with my mom and stepdad. The home environment was like walking on eggshells. I went into an inner-world in my head. My solution to the problem is to play a sensational "The Joker" comic book character online, to go viral, shame my parents, and become a Hollywood superstar. It was certainly attention-grabbing, but I was SCREAMING INTO A VOID BLACK HOLE.
Unlike therapists of the past, where my mom would often talk FOR ME and control my narrative, Dr. Natural wanted to hear ME!
He wasn’t just giving me lip service. I felt validated and heard. Like he cared about my pain. My life was black and white, now it finally started to get some color.
As we scratched the surface, we realized my crazy social media posts are an S.O.S. crying out for friendship and socialization. Like Wonderland, I’m digging a rabbit hole. Success will come from leaving my house, being in the REAL WORLD.
As we dug a little deeper...
I remember my Elementary School years being happy. I had friends, would play outside.
Then my parents became divorced in 1999 as I was entering middle school. That’s when I became a prisoner, that’s when the mental illness began.
My mom was very babying. Although she loves me, by protecting me, she made me anxious. I didn’t stand up for myself.
My stepdad was strict and bossy. He liked having power and control. Being home with him was like walking on eggshells. But at heart, he loves me.
The MONSTERS who took sadistic pleasure in my suffering were the middle and high school bullies. They physically, verbally, mentally traumatized me.
I became socially anxious, felt like a defective freak. I went into an inner-fantasy-land.
Basically, I had no childhood.
When I graduated high school, from mid-2005 – 2011, I had no friends, no girlfriends, no job, no money. My mom took care of me like a dependent man-child. I wanted to be protected by my mom, safe and sound.
I began running and walking – ALL DAY LONG. Exercise was ALL I DID. I was constantly alone in my head, daydreaming. My parents were neglectful and willfully blind to my dysfunction, I suspected nefarious. The years of isolation, running, and walking threw the chemicals off in my brain. I developed severe mental illness. I began blurring fantasy and reality.
Initially, the delusions were a friend from high school was watching me on my walks, coming back into my life. Then as time went on, it escalated. It became I’m going to be a Hollywood superstar.
At the root of the daydreams, I wanted friends. The daydreams protected me from my painful reality – that I’m losing my mind and nobody cares.
This went on for years. I could’ve died from over-exercise and my eating disorder.
It took delusional accusing my parents of horrible crimes before they took action and hospitalized me in 2011.
We discovered my delusions were like a metaphor. The emotions are TRUE, even if the thoughts are confused. When your basic social needs aren’t being met, you’re like a baby that HUNGRY. You blame your parents for your hunger. You feel like they’re doing it intentionally for nefarious reasons.
Because I was socially anxious, agoraphobic, a dependent man-child, and my parents had power and control over my life. I wanted mommy and daddy to help me meet a woman – like mommy did everything else for me.
When years of social isolation and no girlfriend went on – I felt like MOMMY WAS STARVING ME INTENTIONALLY.
My chains are internal, not maternal.
Why did I think a rockstar was my biological father? Because I had disappointing father figures. I wanted fame, I wanted a daddy to love me.
It’s like a metaphor.
I had SIX psychiatric hospitalizations in 2011. I had to accept that I had a severe mental illness - schizoaffective disorder.
I began taking a mega regimen of psychiatric medication compliantly since August 2011. It can be very frustrating. There are a lot of adverse side effects. And sometimes it felt like the people in my home environment needed medication more than I did. But I’m Be Good Johnny (Men At Work). I’m a good boy.
In 2012 after the hospitalizations, I stopped running (still walked all day long). I met a good psychopharmacologist (Dr. Stephen Strange) - the best in the business. I had the first girlfriend of my life. I still wasn't completely recovered.
The girlfriends I met from 2012 – 2016 all broke up with me since I was like a baby playing. It was good because I had no childhood. But they wanted a potential future with someone - I wanted to be like Peter Pan in Neverland. It still felt like my mom was in control, sabotaging relationships.
In September 2016, my final girlfriend broke up with me and I experienced what would become the worst years of my life.
The prison bars went up again.
My stepdad became disabled. It was me, my mom, and stepdad home all day, every day. I had no REAL friends, no girlfriends, no job, dependent man-child. I was alone in my head, hiding from my parents.
This is when I began living in an internet fantasy-land, making sensational videos, sending out my S.O.S.’s to be saved.
My social anxiety, agoraphobia, and dependency on my parents, especially my mother resulted in me losing so much time.
Thankfully in July 2019, I moved into an apartment-like area. Got some peace and quiet. And in August 2019, I met the first real friends of my life at the psychosocial clubhouse in New York City. But I expect them to be mother-like and treat me like a child. They make the plans, take me around NYC, take care of me, bring me parks and restaurants. I mindlessly follow them like they’re my mommy.
I have a hard time living my own life. My mom is warm, comforting, a protector. But BE A MAN, break free of my dependency and fear. Take acting classes, comedy classes – WITHOUT my mother’s permission and approval. I don’t need life spoon-fed to me.
After all, dependency on my mother is leading me to overwhelming doom if I don’t take action.
I’m hopeful my best days are coming, Knowing me, it’ll actually be my worst days because my life is one big hellish nightmare.
Who would've thought the Coronavirus would happen. It did. It was bad for my mental health. Can it get worse? Life's unpredictable. We'll see.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Dependent Man-Child:
Me: My mom acts like I'm incapable of being an independent adult. She does me medical forms, bills, controls my money. But I'm a college graduate, do complex tasks on the internet. She intentionally makes me unsure of myself. My mom's holding me as a prisoner for nefarious reasons.
Dr. Natural: This is partially a delusion. You're co-dependent. But your chains aren't entirely maternal, they're also internal.
Me: I think she's making me a dependent man-child for sadistic and nefarious reasons. Does she want to turn me into Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd (The Wall) because Billy Joel is my biological father? To sadistically rob me of life experience because she hates Billy Joel for using her, making me lose precious time and childhood. Am I just a pawn in her sick game?
Dr. Natural: Again, delusional, It's just easier to blame your mom for your shortcomings. It'd be nice if your rockstar daydreams were reality, then a magic wand would be waved, you'd be a Cinderella story. Unfortunately, things aren't a fairy tale.
Me: Are you sure my mom didn't make me a dependent man-child INTENTIONALLY?! She babied me, now I'm unsure of myself everywhere I go. Maybe it wasn't evil, maybe she was trying to turn me into a Peter Pan-like rockstar.
Dr. Natural: ...again, it's a delusion.
Because you were bullied in middle and high school you learned the world was a scary place. You felt safe around mommy. Thankfully, you're finally starting to meet friends at the psychosocial clubhouse in NYC.
Me: Even my friends at the psychosocial clubhouse are like parents. They protect me, guide me around, take me to restaurants. I wanted mommy to do everything. I even wanted her to help me meet friends and girlfriends.
Dr. Natural: Then you became irritated by your parents and your home environment, blamed your parents for being the bane of your existence. Your lost time is sad, but your mother loves you very much and wants the best for you. The sadistic monsters were the kids in middle school.
Me: Everywhere I go I think people are looking at me in a critical way (like the bullies did), feel like a deer caught in headlights. In NYC, I think people are going to rob me, I think people are poisoning me.
Dr. Natural: You're agoraphobic and have severe panic attacks, so you hide from the world. Mommy is like a comfortable, warm blanket. You feel safe, secure, protected around mom at home.
Me: So I started living in my internet fantasy-land, sending out my sensational S.O.S.'s for success and friendship. I've just wasted so much time. It's easier to say my mom's evil, she hates me because I'm a rockstar...
Dr. Natural: That's delusional to protect you from the sad reality. Your mom isn't preventing you from living life. On the contrary, she's expressed a strong desire to have you fly from her nest.
Me: Maybe my mom's two-faced. Her public face (in front of doctors), she pretends to be a loving mother. In secret, she's nefarious and evil.
Dr. Natural: Catch it, check it, change it... See how your mind works. You get overtaken by panic, then blame your mother.
Me: You say the real nefarious and evil ones were the middle school bullies, I run back to mommy for comfort. I just want to feel safe and sound.
Dr. Natural: This is why we're working to make you independent.
Me: Ever hear the old saying: fish for someone - they're fed for a day.
Teach someone to fish - they can eat the rest of their life.
My mom never taught me to fish, I have no money saved in the bank, my mom controls my money. I have to get my mom's permission and approval for everything.
Dr. Natural: Teach yourself how to fish, you're 32 years old. Stop asking for your mom's permission, and live your own life. If you don't get independent, you're going to be in store for DOOM when your mom can no longer taking care of you.
Me: My life has been one big nightmare up until this point. I fully expect more disastrous days.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Social Media:
Me: As we've established, Dr. Natural, I like to daydream. Right now I think major motion picture companies are getting ready to hire me because pop stars know about my existence. They've been secretly following me on the internet for YEARS.
Dr. Natural. Because you were socially isolated, with no friends, alone in your head, fantasies comforted you. The line between fantasy and reality became blurred, you became delusional.
Me: I'm constantly on social media. Viewing profiles of celebrities, daydreaming they know who I am.
Dr. Natural: They don't.
Me: And I believe posts they make are talking directly to me. It feels like they're my best friend.
Dr. Natural: That's why social media is so toxic. They are in a way talking to YOU, but it's EVERYONE (the public). It feels like it's a message directed at just you, but it's not.
Me: I get so envious of what their life appears to be.
Dr. Natural: Social media is a distorted image. It's a snapshot of them at the best moments of their life. You don't see the mundane drudgery. Success is like an iceberg you only see the tip, the hard work and sacrifice are all underwater.
Me: I daydream I'll be like them soon. We're going to make the EPIC MOVIE. When I get well they'll wave their magic wand. It'll be a Cinderella story.
Dr. Natural: What's the point of going to the best doctors when you resist by getting sucked into the internet fantasy/delusion world?
Me: It just feels so good. Do you like to daydream, Dr. Natural?
Dr. Natural: I realistically daydream about writing papers that will get published in journals.
Me: Isn't that what I'm doing? I'm daydreaming I'm going to be a Hollywood A-Lister. That's my goal.
Dr. Natural: Your daydreams cross the line into delusions. It's not a realistic, attainable goal. Try working at the psychosocial clubhouse as a peer specialist.
Me: Why would I want to work as a peer specialist when I should be a millionaire actor/comedian?
Dr. Natural: The Double Bookkeeping prevents you from having a real job. It prevents you from making money to get independent of your mother. It prevents you from coming down on medication.
Me: Right. Because I feel important people already know about me.
Dr. Natural: And realize this: you want pop superstars to save you and live life for you like a mother.
Me: I have to save myself?
Dr. Natural: Exactly, Andrew.
Sorry to be blunt... but who cares about pop stars and sensational movies?! It's cheap entertainment. These pop stars are just people appealing to the lowest common denominator. They don't care. They're not special. And won't rescue you.
Me: I guess Papi views entertainers with high regard. This is why I do too.
Dr. Natural: Do something more meaningful. Advocate for people with severe mental illness, living in poverty, who are getting bullied. Do something that HELPS PEOPLE. The delusion of grandeur cripples you.
Me: You're right. Getting sucked into the entertainment world on social media is comforting but it's a DAYDREAM. Give it up.
Dr. Natural: You had nothing else in your life, so you needed the pop superstar fantasies. Now you have friends at the psychosocial clubhouse. Socialize, live in the REAL WORLD with REAL PEOPLE.
Me: Do you recommend going off social media like an alcoholic who needs to give up his addiction?
Dr. Natural: It won't be easy but to recover, yes.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – My Parents And HIV:
Me: Dr. Natural, I suspect my parents were heroin addicts, my dad contracted HIV, and that's the reason for their divorce back in 1999.
Dr. Natural: Have you ever asked them this question?
Me: Nobodies ever TOLD ME THIS verbally, but down deep I know it to be true.
Dr. Natural: Interesting. Tell me more...
Me: My mom shelters me, babies me, tries to hide the truth. Then she re-married Dean (my step-dad) - who has intense PTSD. It’s like walking on eggshells being around him but she needs his money.
Dr. Natural: This sounds like fantasy and daydreams becoming delusions. Your parents love you and want the best. They’re people who live with sadistic bully patents. That’s not true for you.
____
(No longer at Dr. Natural's)
It's Saturday, Papi (my biological father) coves over the house for his weekly visit:
He brings me groceries - toilet paper, Gatorade, cold cuts, milk, etc.
He had a gigantic cut on his hand.
Me: Do you have HIV?
Papi (dodging the question): The cut is scabbed over, you can't get HIV from incidental contact.
Me (getting worried): DO YOU HAVE HIV?
Papi (getting angry): I don't have HIV.
(I suspect he's lying)
We have a fun day, I begin obsessing I have HIV.
____
Quick flash to a random Dr. Natural appointment:
Me: For years, my mom's been willfully blind to my self-sabotage and over-exercise.
____
(At home with my mom)
Me: Mom, Dad was over and was touching my cold cuts with a cut on his hand. Can I get HIV?
Mom: You can't get HIV that way. And the cold cuts were sealed.
(Changing topics)
Me: My back is really hurting. It’s from years of over-exercise. I can barely walk. Can you make an appointment with an orthopedic?
Mom: You don't need an appointment, you need to wear a back brace.
Me: Then buy me a back brace.
Mom (getting angry and hysterically manic): I have to know you'll wear it if I buy it. WE DON'T HAVE MONEY. NO ONE HAS JOBS!
Me (getting frustrated and angry): I'll wear it. Please buy it.
Mom (talking to me with angry venom): ALRIGHT!
Me: Also mom, I have years of exposure to excess sunlight. I was literally outside all day long for years. I need to make an appointment to see a dermatologist.
Me: And I get bad stress headaches, all day long, for years. I need to see the brain doctor.
(Weeks pass, she doesn't make the appointments)
(After that angry ordeal, an hour later we meet outback and sit by the firepit)
It's like a bipolar mood swing, now we're having a great time.
Text messages
(afterward):
Me: I had such a wonderful time
sitting with you guys in the backyard. Let’s do it again soon. I
wasn’t feeling too good, but after socializing with loved ones now
I feel great.
Mom: We love you too. It was fun to see you happy and laughing. Thank you.
Dean (Step-Dad): I enjoyed sitting and talking and laughing. It’s always good to spend time with family, that’s what makes memories.
____
(Dr. Natural Appointment):
Me: When I get angry with my parents, I make sensational social media posts on the internet. I want to get vengeance by going viral, a chain-reaction will happen, then they'll be shamed and I’ll be a Hollywood A-Lister.
Dr. Natural: It's like a written temper tantrum.
Me: Only 10 or so people read it.
Dr. Natural: It's unlikely it's a major motion picture company or a pop superstar like you daydream about.
Me: I daydream this will end like a feel-good Hollywood movie.
Dr. Natural: Unfortunately, the people reading this are most likely cyberbullies.
Me: I hope those cyberbullies leave me alone. They've caused enough trouble already.
Dr. Natural: Exactly!
Me: Then after exorcising my demons online, the tsunami starts to pass.
Dr. Natural: You often lose sight of all the positive when emotion overtakes you.
Me: Then I start to think of happy times and begin feeling such guilt. There’s so much to take down off the internet that it might be impossible… and they have no idea. It's like a rabbit hole of parental criticism.
Dr. Natural: If your parents saw this, how would they feel?
Me:
They'd be crushed. I wouldn’t know what to say or do. It’s
like: what the hell am I doing? I’m not looking to hurt them. I
want this to end happily for everyone, especially my family.
Dr.
Natural: Then stop talking about your parents publically on
the internet. How do you think this will end?
Me: When I'm frustrated, alone in my head - I feel validated and heard.
Dr. Natural: Don't express yourself this way, it might end badly.
Me: I want to be a good, loving guy, not a bad man.
Dr. Natural: The first step is to stop negatively talking about your parents publically on the internet.
____
I just said to Dr. Natural that I'm going to stop making sensational social media posts about my parents online.
At home, my mom's yelling at me, and yelling at me, and yelling at me. I’m at my wit’s end with her.
I ADD TO THE RABBIT HOLE WITH AN ANGRY WRITTEN TEMPER TANTRUM.
There was nothing else to do. I wanted to SCREAM!
____
Me: Dr. Natural, I was bullied in middle and high school. They’d physically hit me causing bruises on my arms, verbally taunt me until I hysterically cried, would steal and hide my backpack, they even put a worm in my sandwich, just to name a few traumas.
Dr. Natural: You learned to feel unsafe in public because people were sabotaging you. You're in constant panic paranoia mode. But you need to realize it’s over, people are not harming you anymore.
Me: It’s turned into a constant fear of HIV. I’ll give you examples from this week:
- On Wednesday I was
in the Emergency Room, I thought a nurse was posing me for nefarious
reasons. Needless to say, she probably wasn’t and was just doing
her job.
- On Thursday, in Central Park in NYC, I was in a
bathroom. Then I thought I stepped on a sharp object. I’m imagining
a hypodermic needle, but there was nothing around.
- Yesterday,
I stepped on a big napkin on my walk. Then a sprinkler wet my shoe. I
thought HIV got into my shoe from the mixture of the napkin and
water.
- This morning, I noticed my toothbrush was warm and
wet. Not sure how it happened. Needless to say, I start daydreaming
and catastrophizing, Did someone break into my apartment to poison
me?
- When I take walks, I’ll see needles and condoms, and I’ll be afraid I stepped on them.
- In NYC, air conditioner water will drip on me.
- Or someone will accidentally spit when they talk.
- There was a carton of milk, something that looked like dried blood on it, I washed it off, but it got on my hands.
- I’m afraid people are trying to nefariously infect me, by poisoning my food for example.
- I'm afraid of public bathrooms.
Dr. Natural: The world sounds like a big, scary place to you. You just want to stay home safe and sound.
Me: I like it when my mom comforts me. Tells me that everything’s ok. That I don’t have HIV from these sadistic monsters. But then I get irritated with my parents and say my chains are maternal.
To me, HIV is a
worst-case scenario. I haven’t had much fun in my life. If I become
HIV positive, my life will change SIGNIFICANTLY – very few women
will date me, I fear I’ll have no friends – it’s like the end
of the world as I know it.
Dr. Natural: You have
horrifying panic attacks that HIV is all around you, on everything.
This stems from childhood bullying. Even your body is bullying you
and making you feel unsafe.
Me: It’s an exhausting way to live.
(To Be Continued)
Comedic Screenplay (Rough Draft) – Socialization:
As we've established: Andrew's a 32-year-old dependent man-child, no money, no friends, home all day long with my mom and stepdad, constantly alone in his head.
(At a Dr. Natural session)
Me: I have no power and control at home. I submit to my parents like a little boy.
Dr. Natural: Try to take charge of your life, get independent. Do your bills, medical forms, money, etc.
Me: Being around my stepdad is like being on stage, I constantly feel in panic mode.
My mom makes me dependent on her, everything feels so overwhelming.
So I live in a fantasyland on the internet.
Dr. Natural: Leave the fantasyland, enter the real world. You have to help yourself.
Me: Sometimes we can't help ourselves. I feel like everyone views me critically in the real world. I walk around like everything's focused on me.
Most friends I talk to I feel detached and alienated from. Alone in a crowd. I want a parental figure to protect me.
I send out S.O.S.'s online for socialization, money, and fame - but it goes into the VOID. Nobody's out there.
Dr. Natural: The sad truth is you're all alone, have lost time, and most people don't care.
Me: Sometimes people hate their life so much, they'll take risks and don’t care about the consequences. That's what I do with my internet art. I hate my life so much, I make LOUD, sensational, attention-grabbing S.O.S.'s hoping for a magical savior, hoping it'll end like a feel-good Hollywood movie...
Dr. Natural: Give up the internet pipe dream, overcome your anxiety and agoraphobia, and meet friends in the REAL WORLD.
Me: It's like the song "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" by, The Beach Boys. Maybe I'm not too advanced (a genius), but I certainly feel different and detached, like I'm synced differently than everyone else. I'm in such emotional pain, crying out for socialization.
And when my mom gets older and can no longer provide for me, this nightmare will get worse... I can't imagine it can. But it probably will.
(To Be Continued)
Dr. Stephen Strange appointment:
Me: Dr. Strange, I’ve met a girlfriend at the Psychosocial Clubhouse I go to and we’ve become intimate.
Dr. Strange: Congratulations Andrew. This is your first relationship in years, right?
Me: Yes, 4 years to be exact.
Dr. Strange: It’s great you’re getting out and ecperiencing life.
Me: Unfortunaly, the medication was affecting sexual function when I tried performing.
Dr. Strange: Yes, the medications are notious for killing sexual function.
Me: Can we reduce it because it’s very frustrating.
Dr. Strange: You’re still showing symptoms and smoulderings.
Me: I think part of the reason I'm on so much psychiatric medication is because I'm vocal and talk a lot. I know people much sicker than me, who are are much less medication, and functioning well - they just don't talk like I do. I make myself appear sicker than I actually am.
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