Comedy College jokes:
African American, Mexican, Asian... comedians often joke about their race.
Jewish, Muslim, Catholics... often joke about their religion.
You joke about who you are.
I suffer from severe mental health challenges, so many of my jokes will be about this.
Joke 1 - Andrew Diagnosis:
Me: I have something wrong with me. I don't know who to tell or what to do.
Psychiatrist: I've been doing this for over forty years. I'm a hardened psychiatrist. I've heard everything in the book.
Me (dramatic and super serious): NOT THIS!
(pause)
Me: (now silly): I have the Andrew Diagnosis. It's a little bit of OCD, a little bit of mania, a little bit of depression, a little bit of germaphobia, a little bit of Schizoaffective, a little bit of bipolar.
Psychiatrist (Shocked and serious): OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A MONSTROUS CREATURE.
Then over time, he changes his tone.
My doctor begins salivating at the mouth. He wants to help me. Cure me of the Andrew Diagnosis.
What he fails to realize... the Andrew Diagnosis is permanent. There is no helping me. My CONDEEEETION is forever.
Joke 2 - The Mordecai Story (WWE):
When I was in High School I loved professional wrestling. I know, grown men in their underwear grappling with one another. It's a little weird. But I love the sensational characters and over-the-top entertainment.
There used to be a character named Mordecai. He was a religious zealot, the anti-Undertaker, a lunatic who did things in the name of religion.
Also while in High School, I worked as a bagger at a supermarket. I worked for tips. When somebody wouldn't tip me I'd smash their bread and crack their eggs.
Some people think bagging groceries is simple work. It's actually hard work, very strenuous.
By break time I was fatigued, I'd go next door to the Subway restaurant (a sandwich shop). Before eating, I'd go to the bathroom, and start to unwind, relax, I'd let it all hang out. I'd do silly impressions of wrestling in the mirror when I was alone.
One day, thinking I was alone, I did a dramatic and over-the-top impression of Mordecai.
I said: SINNERS! FORGIVE THEM, FATHER... BUT I WILL NOT.
All of a sudden, from a stall, I hear somebody call out: Are you ok out their buddy?
I left the bathroom ashamed, embarrassed, afraid to see the man.
As I began to eat my sandwich, the man comes over to the table and says: "I was inspired by your religious message. I'd like to join your religious cult."
I said to him: I was quoting Mordecai. I'm not a religious nutjob.
Joke 3 - OMG Caffeine:
My mother can't have caffeine because she has a heart condition. It could cause her heart to flutter, she could even die. She can't have coffee, tea, chocolate.
One day, assuming it was decaffeinated, she was using this squirt in her water bottle to flavor her beverage. She began sipping it.
Then said: "What?! Oh no! It says OMG Caffeine."
She thought it said OH MY GOD, Caffeine.
We were skeptical, so we took a look.
It said 0mg caffeine.
It meant 0 milligrams of caffeine.
What type of twisted beverage company would write OMG Caffeine on their packaging?
Personally, that's what I want in my coffee.
I want OH MY GOD, CAFFEINE.
A massive amount.
That's what I get from the coffee shop every morning... the Nitro Cold Brew.
That is OH MY GOD, CAFFEINE.
Practicing the jokes on camera:
The performance needs to be 5 - 7 minutes. I'm not sure how long that will run. Another joke I'm brainstorming is Pull The Trigger.
Joke 4 -
Pull The Trigger:
My life is pretty stagnant. I'm 33 years old and have made little progress. I'm sitting back, watching my life pass me by.
My dad often tells me: "you need to pull the trigger."
He means a starting gun. Begin the race, start to move.
One day, I was talking to my psychiatrist. He was advising me on making progress (beginning my life).
I said: you're right. I need to pull the trigger (unaware there was an issue with saying this)
He didn't like it. It reminded him of suicide or gun violence.
He said: recovery is not instantaneous, like the pulling of a trigger. It's more like moving sand. Erosion can occur (a setback).
Moving sand?! That sounds zen and Buddhist. He could've at least said constructing a house.
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