alone in my head

Does anyone else's Schizoaffective disorder make them feel alone in their head?

There's a cheesy pop song "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" by, The Beach Boys. In a way, it summarises my situation. I feel very advanced but people can't see my worth. I'm told it's "grandiose delusions" - I don't think it is. I'm creating something TREMENDOUS!

For the past three years, I was socially alienated, disabled (not working), home all day with parents - posting art in a fantasyland online. I've become so messed up from it, I've metaphorically turned into an alien.

My parents don't understand me. They think I'm a disabled loser, a financial drain on the household. They love me but think I'll be disabled my whole life.

I had childhood friends I'd infrequently see for dinner at sports restaurants, but they don't understand me either. We'd hang out for an hour or two and my social life revolved around them. I didn't relate - we have different interests and hobbies. I felt they were seeing me out of pity. However, if I was sick in the hospital they'd probably visit me. We like each other and wish each other well.

I'm even misunderstood by my doctors.

I used to have a psychologist who wasn't equipped to be my doctor, he just wasn't qualified enough for my case. I could sense he didn't think I'd amount to anything. He just gave me insincere lip service.

My psychopharmacologist joked I'm "Syd Barrett incarnate" as I entered his office this past weekend. While I've had delusions he's my biological father, so it's not a completely inappropriate thing to say. It hurt my feelings. I'm so much more than that loser. Not only am I a significantly more talented artist, but Syd's a drug addict. I don't drink, smoke, or use drugs. For all intents and purposes, I've always been a responsible "good boy" when it comes to substances. I take care of my mental health with prescription medication. I'm an inspirational and positive role model - far from reckless.

I want more and feel unsatisfied - GREAT CHANGE! Perhaps my biggest mistake is remaining dependent on my parents because they're getting older, and leading me to devastation when they can no longer take care of me. I need to take charge of my life, show the world my worth - unfortunately my parents like having power and control. Being around them is torturous, so I stay in a fantasyland. And they won't "teach me", they just do for me. Is this just an excuse to be treated like a manchild?