I met a friend at the psychosocial clubhouse. She's the best friend I've ever had in my life. I don't think they'll ever be a betrayal where she turns evil on me. But when panic overtakes me I become sick to my stomach that she's deceiving me.
She's teaching me to love again. I trust her more than anyone. In the beginning, I'd occasionally become afraid she's nefarious - is secretly a sadistic bully that wants to break me. These delusional mood swings could happen rapidly. It could be a small comment that triggered it. I needed to remind myself: there I go again. It's a broken record.
Thankfully, I'm starting to really trust this friend. Once in awhile the thoughts will pop up, but I fight them off quickly. I don't think she'd ever harm me. She's a loyal and loving friend. I'm just so afraid of betrayal from somebody I love. Could the root cause be a childhood friend who started bullying me because I was unpopular now at school? Basically, having no friends, feeling worthless, and somebody you once cared for bullying you.
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