Social Isolation

I'm a loner who is living in a fantasyland. I don't interact with social circles. It's not intentional. I have the desire to fit in, have friends, but have extreme social anxiety.

Some people say the people who see me laugh at me, are horrified by me, or scared of me. I'm rejected by society.

But actually, even at my worst, I can think of many attractive women who are more than friendly and try to make small talk. I just turn into a zombie, put on an anxious blank expression, and run from socialization.

I'm, told when I'm comfortable I'm charming, friendly, handsome, can mentalize what's in other people's minds. For all intents and purposes, with a little social practice, I can turn into Mr. Cool.

Sadly, in my childhood, I was bullied. I never developed social skills.

Some people blame me for getting bullied. I did need to be more assertive, to stick up for myself. But I was a happy kid who was always smiling. They took sadistic pleasure in making me afraid and cry. The bullies were punks, sadistic monsters. It was not my fault.

When I graduated I began isolating and living in a fantasyland. I wasted a lot of time hiding from the world. Got into performance. I think my ticket to riches, fame, independence, and freedom is sensational social media posts. Some say it's a pipe dream, but I'm convinced it's going to lead to my success.

I became sick from solitude.

Socialization will be more effective in my recovery than any psychiatric medications. I went to a psychosocial clubhouse in New York City. Met some nice friends. But NYC is getting too dangerous... Now it's back to solitude.

I'm desiring friendship. Ideally, a girlfriend. They're opportunities with nice people but I isolate myself because I'm in pain.

Stop talking about myself and make OTHERS feel better about themselves. Mentalize what's in the minds of strangers. So rather than talk about myself. Ask them a question. If I'm happy and friendly, they'll reply in a happy and friendly way. And who knows... maybe I'll meet a girlfriend.

I'm told the girlfriend I meet will likely have suffered tremendously like me, be a little quirky and empathetic, unusual artist. But I like odd people.