March 2, 2022:
Post 01:
I bit my lip AGAIN. This time the cut in my mouth is even worse than yesterdays, even more open and bloody. The lady at the coffee shop was touching the lid of the coffee cup with her hands. I tried not to worry about contamination, kissed it up to God, and drank the coffee.
Post 02:
2 hours before the gym, I smashed my toes on a chair in my room. I didn't see blood, but my toe looked bruised. I put on my shoes, decided to go to the gym, kiss it up to God, and not worry about contamination. While working out, my toe was in pain the entire time. An HIV risk?
Post 03:
Although I had shoes on, I was walking in a public gym and on the treadmill with bruised, and maybe an open cut on my toes from smashing it on a chair in my apartment 2 hours earlier. I'm trying to let my contamination fears go and not worry. Remember it's a broken record.
Post 04:
I realize the OCD contamination fears might not make sense to most people, and they can get annoyed by it, but try to empathize and remind me the irrationality of it, how there's no risk in the situation. It's torturous and feels like I'm really at risk of getting HIV.
Post 05:
I saw a post by Marsha Wright that said: "When was the last time you had a good, warm, hearty, genuine hug?"
The answer to her question addressing EVERYONE. For me, it's been MONTHS.
For so much of my life, I felt unloved and unempathized with. Nobody gives me "genuine hugs."
Post 06:
A stranger at the gym was wearing a Pink Floyd t-shirt. I meantalized he could tell I like Pink Floyd by my body language. It was like I already communicated it to him and I felt ashamed. The truth is the person isn't telepathic, doesn't know me, and can't read my mind.
Post 07:
It's possible the reason I put on blank expressions, try to hide from socialization, and have such bad anxiety is a lot of shame. I feel like everyone can read my mind. They're looking at me critically. I want to hide and run away from the sadistic monsters of the world.
Post 08:
The reality is most people in the real world aren't focused on me. They barely care I exist. And if I did show them the real me, they'd probably be kind, nonjudgemental, and like me. They wouldn't be like the sadistic bullies from my childhood.
March 3, 2022:
Post 01:
Try to be empathetic and remind me how there's no risk because the OCD contamination fear feels real to me. Yesterday, I bit my lip. I have an open cut/sore in my mouth. I drank a coffee this morning, the barista touch the lid with her hands, and the lid touched the cut. A risk?
Post 02:
It's like I'm trying to explain the concept of empathy to my parents and they're incapable of feeling it for me. I'm like: you try to imagine what's in the other persons mind then you GENUINELY feel bad, not PRETEND feel bad, you have to mean it for real.
Post 03:
My mother said how I'm too emotional and sensitive. No, my parents abuse me and don't feel empathy about it. Is this common?
My parents want power and are using me for what I can do for them. I'll be rich and famous. They'll be happy. But their "love" for me is not genuine.
Post 04:
To people who try to claim I don't feel empathy. That's not true. We've cited countless examples in therapy of me mentalizing what's in other people's minds and feeling genuinely bad. Then why do I want revenge on my parents? Because I feel like they tortured me in my childhood.
Post 05:
I took pictures of my toes to show you I am legitimately bleeding after the gym. While walking on the treadmill, my feet hurt, then when I took off my socks, I noticed my toe was bloody (as you can see pictured). Is walking on the treadmill with an open cut a contamination risk?
Post 06:
I have Band-Aids and antibiotics in here. I'll put it on. But you wouldn't worry about walking on the treadmill with bloody toes in my shoes? This is not an HIV risk. My life isn't changed forever. I just need to clean it and let it heal.
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