March 11, 2022:
Post 01:
When I'm in public and feel extreme self-conscientiousness, I’m afraid to look at my reflection in a mirror because I see what other people see. I assume other people are looking at me like I’m crazy. What they actually think probably isn't as bad or critical as what I believe.
March 12, 2022:
Post 01:
At Starbucks this morning, there was this customer with rashes (possibly open cuts?) on his hands and arms. He was waiting for coffee. He seemed a little sketchy. Was overweight. Had tattoos. I don't think he touched anything I touched, but he had to use the door to come and go.
Post 02:
Although I'm in my mid thirties I still look very good. Almost like a supermodel movie star. I saw this woman in her early twenties at Starbucks this morning. She was fit, beautiful, and she was standing right by me. I think she was interested. I simply should have said "hello."
Post 03:
For so long I had extreme self-consciousness around attractive women. I need to remind myself how brightly I shine. I rock and roll. I glisten. Attractive women love me. Have confidence. I'm like Elon Musk without the money. I should be dating perfect looking supermodels.
Post 04:
I mustn't feel like a worthless loser. Remind myself I AM THE CATCH. The best artist in modern history. I'm about the be rich and famous. An iconic movie star. And the attractive supermodel-looking women in their early twenties would be lucky to have a boyfriend as great as me.
Post 05:
I noticed when I was working out at the gym, there was a scratch bordering on a cut on my finger. I touched everything at the gym. The treadmill, spray cleaner, door. I'm trying not to worry about contamination and kissing up to God.
Post 06:
One or two of my boneless chicken wings at Buffalo Wild Wings were really fatty today, bordering on gross. I'm trying to remind myself no psychopath is poisoning me. It was just gross meat today. Kiss it up to God.
Post 07:
I bought brand new shoes for the gym. They seem to be good. They're extra wide. Somehow, I'm not sure how, my toe got irritated after gym. When I took off my sock before my shower my toe was bleeding... with my brand new shoes. Just kiss it up to God. No HIV contamination risk.
Post 08:
I'm trying to let go of the bloody toe after the gym contamination fear, but am having trouble...
Like my mom texted in reply, "No hiv risk none...u had shoe and sock and hiv not sitting in wait for you at gym....only sweat lol. Ok try let it go."
She's right. Kiss it up to God.
Post 09:
My mother said "One thing I try and tell myself when you fear so much its like we die a million deaths with worry. Worry changes nothing. Plus what your fear is impossible. So rest you worries."
Also, it's a broken record, same fear everyday just with a new situation causing it.
March 13, 2022:
Post 01:
When I was working out at the gym on the treadmill, wetness got on my ankle. I'm not sure who it came from. Me? My sweat? Somebody else's sweat? The spray cleaner from somebody else? But I'm trying to kiss it up to God and not worry.
Post 02:
Yesterday, I made three videos and I believe I forgot to plug my microphone in for them. It's Brains Brawn Chess, Chester Bennington Linkin Park, and the Big E videos. There's still audio, but the microphone significantly improves it. The performance was good so I'm disappointed.
Post 03:
I'm coming to a realization something nefarious went on in my childhood. I know the people who were involved and harmed me. I'm told it's "delusional." So don't obsess over it. Don't seek vengeance on the sadistic persecutors. Instead, make myself a rich and famous movie star.
Post 04:
Even if my "delusions" aren't delusions. I was 100% right. There would be nothing I can do about it. There’s no evidence. Basically, I need to accept it because there’s going to be no supreme court case. I can’t put them in jail for the hell they put me through. It is what it is.
Post 05:
My delusions are like metaphors. The feelings and emotions are valid and true. But the story, what I say happened, can be so dramatic and get daydreamed to a point that doesn't make sense to observers. Saying they're the evilest of evil responsible for torture is like a metaphor.
Post 06:
Was I running from the truth? Then in 2011, I stopped blinding myself to trauma? Or was I having a meltdown? Getting delusional? Was what I was saying true? Was I being brainwashed and gaslighted to bury the trauma? Made to believe it didn't happen? Intentionally confused?
Post 07:
No matter what happened, I’m a dependent adult child at 34-years-old, deprived of friendship, and girlfriends. And frankly, when my mom stops enabling this fantasyland then I’m screwed. My entire life has been torture, pain, and suffering. HELP ME ESCAPE THIS HOSTILE DEPENDENCY!!
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