Love And Isolation

I've never truly been "in love." At least that's what I felt for most of my life. In school, I was severely and sadistically bullied. I never got to experience young love and felt everybody else did. People who were supposed to be my friend betrayed me.

In my twenties, I went crazy. I never developed my social skills, was isolated, could've died, and my parents did nothing to stop my self-destruction for YEARS until it was so painfully IN-THEIR FACE they had to do something.

Even after my six psychiatric hospitalizations, friendships were still fleeting. There was no love. Maybe it was my fault.

As days went by, I had no desire to be a part of the real world anymore and felt I didn't fit in anywhere. I felt like a defective freak with extreme self-consciousness.

I said: "I'll isolate myself forever living in a delusional daydream world. It's too late to rescue me. I want to be alone."

I wasted so much time cut off from the world. My teenage years, my twenties, the beginning of my thirties. 

I was angry at "friends" and family who let this happen. I thought I'd isolate myself for the rest of my life, wallowing in self-pity, feeling pain and suffering forever and ever.

Then I met a friend at the psychosocial clubhouse. Love isn't always "like the movies." From my point of view, it was love nonetheless. I have attachment issues and can be too needy. When somebody gives you an ounce of love you do everything in your power to hold onto it. I need to remind myself it can end at any time.

Love is a basic human need. I've suffered from no friendships for too long. I want a REAL LIFE. It's great I have a real friend now but don't want my life to revolve around one person. I don't want people to go away. After years of solitude, friendship feels too good to be true.

Life is fleeting. Even good friends and family inevitably go away, even if they don't want to because death is the last chapter in everybody's life.

I need to remind myself my parents love me and didn't do this to me intentionally. It's just sad.