Psychopharmacology Appointment

A month or two ago during my psychopharmacology appointment, we reduced the Invega - an antipsychotic.

My psychopharmacologist asked me to make an appointment ASAP because I don't sound like I'm doing good after reading my cry for help frustration e-mail.

I don't think that's necessary. I'll keep the appointment as regularly scheduled. Here's why:

To start, the appointments are expensive and my mother is in control of making them. We're certainly not millionaires.

Secondly, I usually have my frustration temper tantrums at night after a day of complete solitude. Even my psychopharmacologist would go crazy if he saw nobody in person every single day. Meaning isolation would drive sane people insane. SOCIALIZATION IS BETTER THAN ANY MEDICATION!

Thirdly, most patients are probably doing worse than me. I know many people at the psychosocial clubhouse who I'm higher-functioning than, less sick than, yet they're on hardly any meds while I'm the entire pharmacy. It's so frustrating. 

I'm extremely vocal, like an open book. I appear worse than I am because I'm an exhibitionist who publicizes his life on the internet. And during the session, I'm so vocal and frank that it's almost ridiculous. If I don't want to be heavily medicated I need to learn to SHUT MY MOUTH.

Also, I'm doing fine. I feel better overall on fewer meds. Less zonked, able to think clearer, more talkative, able to express myself better. I feel more "intelligent" and it's so useful for my performance. 

Friends say it really improved social skills. I'd just stare into space like I had a chemical lobotomy before. Plus all the adverse side effects have gotten better (we all know the bad ones). 

Yes, I'm a little "crazier" but that's ok. I'm happier overall. It's good to be a little nutty.

To be perfectly honest, I don't want to increase the meds because I'm already on a mega regimen. If anything, I want to decrease even more.

The conclusions I'm coming to about my parents, even if it isn't literal, the emotion is true. It's like a metaphor -  it FEELS LIKE they're sadistic tortures even if it wasn't intentionally inflicted.