I was walking around New York City yesterday. It was a fun day, but there were places that smelled like urine, stepped on lots of disgusting things while walking around. Then when I got home there was no Lysol to disinfect the bottoms of my shoes, but I still had to dig the rocks out of the cracks in my shoes to make sure they weren't hypodermic needles stuck in there. It's OCD. I'm catastrophizing can you get HIV from touching the bottoms of your shoes? I didn't touch them. A pen did.
Basically, what the hell am I doing? Don't touch your shoes. Put them away. But I'm so OCD about hypodermic needles that I have to make sure there are no hypodermic needles in my shoes. How ironic would it be I infected myself with HIV by irrationally trying to make sure I don't catch HIV.
This OCD really is nightmarish torture. AHHHHHH!
I'm told by Dr. Natural my fear of HIV is a fear of solitude and no friends for my whole life. I'm not sick - but the isolation came true for me. I was deprived of socialization in my childhood and early adulthood. I had no life. If I contracted HIV, I fear nobody would want to be my friend and nobody would want to date me. I'd be alone forever.
First off, worst-case scenario, if I did contract HIV (which I don't have), you can live a relatively normal life in 2021, and I could even date an HIV-positive woman.
Also, fearing a psychopath placed a hypodermic needle on my walking route is a result of getting bullied in middle and high school by sadistic persecutors and feeling unsafe. There is this MONSTER who wants to rob me of friendship and life - maybe even trying to murder me.
With all these terrors in the real world, no wonder I want to stay at home safely and sound protected by mommy.
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