HIV, Isentress and Truvada, Doug Hopkins, Gin Blossoms

I'm told by the best in the business at CBT and psychoanalysis my fear of HIV is really a horrifying fear of a sadistic monster trying to murder me. Yes, it's my mental illness... but it's also a result of getting bullied by kids in my childhood.

I fear if I had HIV I'd have no friends, girlfriends, would be alone forever. In a way, that nightmare came true. I wasn't sick with HIV, but I had no friends growing up.

I always had a fear of HIV. I remember getting tested in my childhood, freaking out about it when I had my psychotic break in 2011... But I'm going to talk about 2019 - 2021 (present-day).

In July 2019, I moved into an apartment alone - no longer protected by mommy.

Then a met a friend who is my BFF - I was afraid she was deceiving me and was really a sadistic monster (wearing a loving mask). After having a panic attack about this friend, I stepped on some debris at a lounge. Then later that day, my mom took me to the Emergency Room. Due to an overreaction, I went on Isentress and Truvada for a month. Yes, I should've known better, but it's still sad, and now I feel corrupted.

It's like the Gin Blossoms. They kicked Doug Hopkins out of the band, made him sign over his writing credit, they became famous with the songs he wrote. They were dealing with a mentally unstable man and he killed himself.

I was sick and AFRAID of contamination. I wasn't committing suicide, but it was a perfect storm.

Now I'm traumatized, and the sadistic monster broken record plays again, and again, and again.

Help me!