I feel like I'm being hunted by a sadistic deceiver. Somebody is secretly trying to kill me. In the back of my mind, there's always this sadistic persecutor present.
Anything can open the door to the sadistic persecutor:
For example, predicate logic.
My mother asking: "would you like fried chicken for dinner?" triggers me. I think she's a psychopath monster. She fried my brain through torture. Chicken is calling me a coward.
The biggest contamination fear is HIV. I think friends, psychopaths from years ago, even imagined "hypodermic needles" are trying to kill me.
The world how it truly is and the world how I see it are two entirely different realities. I see the world as a terrifying, horrific place full of monsters and killers. The truth is I'm irrationally afraid of the world because of the trauma and horror I lived through.
Even innocent people can become the sadistic monster. The kid cleaning the treadmill at the gym, the coffee shop barista, friends, etc. I need to remind myself not everyone in the world is a sadistic killer.
I realize this overwhelming fear of the world is irrational and crazy, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells 24/7. One wrong step, I'll step on a landmine and it'll explode, then I'll die. Everyone in the world is viewing me in a critical way. Everyone is laughing at me.
A friend asked me if I want to join a group or club that isn't related to mental health or illness. I feel so defective, contaminated, and damaged that I wouldn't fit in the normal, real world. I'd be wearing THE FREAK scarlet letter like my flaws are exposed for all to see.
The sadistic monster is always present in my mind. It ruined my view of the world. Many different situations can trigger an overwhelming "there's a sadistic monster who is trying to kill me" panic attack. The world isn't that scary. There are many good people. Sadly, I suffered.
There isn't this lurking persecutor psychopath. I need to grasp it's irrational. I'm safe and sound. There's no monster.
No comments:
Post a Comment